Should My Boyfriend Have Female Friends?

Should My Boyfriend Have Female Friends?

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

Should my boyfriend have female friends?

If you’re old enough, perhaps you think Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan settled this in their blockbuster rom com of 1989, When Harry Met Sally. He said no, men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. She thought this was absurd.

The real question at play is this: can a man and a woman be friends without an undercurrent of romance?

So who got it right?

As with anything else, the answer to this question depends on who you ask in a scientific study. While the movies have pursued this more than social science has, still, we have a little bit of data we can examine to find an answer for you.

I often say that I make no apologies for my gender and this is no exception. As it turns out, according to a study conducted at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, men firmly believe that any woman they know is attracted to them.

The study, which included 88 pairs of male-female friends-only subjects, shows that the men studied felt the level of attraction their female friends had was much greater than it truly was. Additionally, the men in the study showed a higher level of sexual attraction to their female friends than the females felt toward the men.

The women in the study less frequently indicated that they were sexually attracted to their male friends. It would be a real disappointment to the men if they knew, I’m sure!

Should My Boyfriend Have Female Friends?

To answer the question fully, we need to add another element to the mix. Your own confidence, and perhaps his. Confidence plays a big role in jealousy and if you’re asking this question, it’s probably because of jealousy.

People who are jealous generally lack confidence. Science tells us that jealousy is related to:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Moodiness, anxiety and emotional instability
  • Feeling inadequate in the relationship – you’re not good enough for this guy
  • Codependent relationships – one or both of you rely on the other too much for emotional support; your mood hinges on his, if he’s away from you too much you melt down, etc.
  • A tendency toward the feeling that your relationship partner will leave you or won’t love you enough

So, this brings us back to the original question, should my boyfriend have female friends? The answer is a little more complicated than yes or no.

Science tells us that if your boyfriend has female friends, he might overestimate how much his female friend is attracted to him. This could be an ego boost for him, indicating he may be lacking some confidence of his own. He has some need to see how many women he can find who will like him.

On the other hand, not all men feel this way. After all, nothing is 100%. Your guy could genuinely feel no attraction to his female friend. He may really just want to be friends with her.

should my boyfriend have female friends

Why Men Want Female Friends

The study explored reasons the men gave for wanting female friends. It turns out that men want:

  • A female perspective on the mind of their girlfriend – an interpreter of sorts – someone who speaks female
  • The female side of things when they need advice
  • Someone who can provide them with emotional support
  • A woman with whom they can easily discuss their emotions
  • Someone with whom they have shared experiences
  • The possibility of romance

There were other reasons, but these are the highest ranking. With older men, having someone to pal around with was also high ranking as was having someone to have fun with.

Some of the men’s reasons for wanting a gal pal aren’t so bad. They want to understand you better and they want someone other than their girlfriend or wife to go to for emotional support.

That one is big because men don’t navigate their emotions like women do. The fact that men want someone with whom they can be free emotionally isn’t a surprise. Men aren’t usually raised to show emotions so it’s new territory.

A guy in a new relationship might not want to jeopardize his standing with you by showing you his emotions. He might not yet be sure that you’ll respond in a way which will make him feel understood and not judged.

As time passes, if you show him you’ll accept his show of emotion without trying to fix it or judge him, he will share these things with you.

The Truth: It Depends

The answer to your question is that it depends on you and your guy.

If you’re both confident, he probably has innocent reasons for wanting a female friend. They may have been friends since they were both in diapers. They may have suffered a tragedy together or experienced something huge together. Their history might make them uniquely bonded, but not romantically.

If you recall the data I cited earlier, the odds of a female friend feeling the same sexual attraction to your guy as he feels toward her is low. She’s much less likely to think of him as a potential boyfriend.

If one or both of you are lacking confidence, this isn’t going to work. Your jealousy will make you distrust him. His lack of confidence means he likes the feeling of more than one woman being attracted to him.

A female friend for a man can be very comforting and can give him the decoding he needs from time to time. If you respond to something he says or does in a way that confuses him, he has a gal pal to go to for interpretation.

Chances are, he’s clueless as to what he did or, said but a female friend can bop him on the head and say, “You bozo, she wanted you to tell her those shoes were great. She didn’t want to hear, ‘uhhh I guess they’re okay’.”

He can do a mental head-slap and come back to you, apologetic and in a better position to understand what he did to tick you off and why. He’ll even know how to fix it.

You must know your level of confidence and his. Here’s a hint – if your confidence is low, his is also low. Confident men don’t go for low-confidence women.

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Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you’ll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They’re added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

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I’m Pushing Him Away with My Insecurities | How Can I Stop?

I’m Pushing Him Away with My Insecurities | How Can I Stop?

Build a Great Relationship, Build Confidence, Find Happily Ever After, Get My Ex Back, Understand Men

Am I pushing him away with my insecurities? You’ve met Mr. Right and all of a sudden, he’s all you can think about. Day in and day out, your mind is on your new guy and how great he is. You spend way too much time wondering if he feels the same way about you.

You fixate on him by sending multiple texts, emails and phone calls a day. But what happens? He pulls back! This is crazy! He seemed to feel something for you. Why is he retreating?

Not understanding the problem, you text more and try harder by cooking his favorite meals and inviting him for dinner. You try buying his favorite beer or suggesting you hang out at his favorite place. He might show up occasionally, but you can feel his detachment.

So you continue to try harder.

The next thing you know, he rarely answers your texts and you don’t see him. He’s gone rogue in a big way.

What happened? Did he find another woman? Did you do something to push him away? What’s going on?

What’s going on is that you did indeed push him away with your insecurities.

Your attempts to win him back only made things worse because you went the wrong way. You fixated on him more and more. Of course, the more you fixated on him, the more he retreated.

It’s time to learn why.

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | Your Mind Plays Tricks on You

Your mind is a master at playing tricks on you. Your conscious mind operates based on past history so, in the past, when a man became distant, he left. That’s what your mind knows.

When you meet a new guy and things are all hot and heavy, your mind says, “Hey, this is looking good so I’ll proceed as before.”

You feel those squishy feelings of love early on, probably too early. You’re totally hot for this guy and every minute spent with him, either by text, phone or FaceTime, is like gold.

Unfortunately, your history is that guys leave. Why else would you be dating a new guy? Working off past history, your mind says, “Eventually, this guy will leave too.” This stirs up your insecurities.

What you might start asking yourself is, “Am I pushing him away with my insecurities?” And, consequently, what can I do to become more secure? That answer will come soon.

Subsequently, You Obsess

The more rogue he becomes, the more you feel panicky and anxious. The more anxious you become, the more you obsess.

Of course, you don’t want him to leave! You want him to stay! He’s awesome!! What can you do to get him to stay with you?

Your obsessive thoughts are like a runaway train, speeding along too fast and errant. You text him all the time with stuff he doesn’t want to read like “Hey what’cha doin?” or “What’s up?”.

When he doesn’t reply, your mind starts playing tricks again. Thoughts like, “He’s gonna leave. They all leave” roll around and your obsession becomes a little more intense.

These thoughts are anxiety run amok. It’s your mind running forward with worrisome thoughts that aren’t as fact-based as they seem. These anxious thoughts feel real, though, and you don’t seem to have any other facts to deny them.

Is Your Relationship Over?

Do you think your relationship is teetering on the edge of disaster? Has he aleady left? This is a great article for sure, but there are others! Just click the button to read them.

Find more articles here...

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | He Pulls Away

Of course, the problem is that the more obsessing you do, the less he responds. Oh, he’ll root for you for a while and give you hope by saying things like “No, everything is fine, I’m just super busy at work.”

But, things aren’t fine and he isn’t super busy. He may already be dating someone else or at least thinking about it.

Why?

No man wants to be your hobby, and that’s what he’s become. He doesn’t want you doting on him and he definitely doesn’t want to answer thirty texts from you a day.

It’s a Vicious Circle

He’s pulling back and you’re ramping up your texts, furiously trying to pull him back in. But, the unfortunate truth is that all your efforts to win him back are confirming for him why he needs to leave.

At some point, you get the message that says, “I need some space” or “I think we should see other people”.

And that brings us back to the beginning. You’re frustrated, angry, disappointed and upset because you don’t know what happened.

Again, it’s time to as yourself, “Am I pushing him away with my insecurities?”

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | It’s a Confidence Thing

A confident woman doesn’t spend one iota of time worrying about whether a guy is into her. Nope. No siree. A confident woman knows that any guy she dates is a guy she has carefully chosen to be part of her life. HE is lucky to be dating her!

When your insecurities get the better of you, it’s because your dating confidence is low. You don’t believe a guy could ever want to be with you for an extended period of time and when one does show interest, it’s hard to believe.

You double down your efforts to keep him, but those efforts are transparent and he immediately sees your lack of confidence. He might not identify it in that way and most guys won’t tell you that’s why they’re breaking up with you, but he knows.

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities

What Can You do to Change?

You’re asking, “Am I pushing him away with my insecurities?” The answer is yes, and while this relationship is probably lost, there is time to work on yourself before meeting another guy.

Take a Small Dating Break

Take a break from dating. It’s very difficult to improve your dating confidence while you’re in the middle of a relationship. The work you need to do is best done while you’re single. Building your confidence isn’t just about dating; it’s about uncovering who you truly are. What types of men are you really attracted to? You may find that the answer isn’t what you expect.

This break should last as long as it takes for you to believe you deserve a great guy. When you recognize that you’re the chooser and not grateful to be chosen, you’re just about there!

Until you truly believe both of those things, keep doing the work.

Change Your Inner Game

Now that you’re on a dating break, it’s time to work on your inner game. That inner voice that was telling you each guy would run is what needs to go! Each breakup you’ve experienced has caused your dating confidence to decline. This feeds that response your mind has conjured up.

It’s time to work on a new response to dating. It’s time to believe that you have what it takes to keep a great guy, without making him your hobby.

All those canned responses to being in a relationship need to be altered from negative to positive. Right now, you’re allowing your mind to feed you stuff like:

  • I’m not good enough for him
  • No good guy will ever like me
  • I’m not worthy of dating a nice guy like that
  • All guys leave eventually

Moving forward, those negative statements should be replaced:

  • I’m good enough to date any man who’s worthy of me
  • A great guy will be attracted to me
  • I am worthy of dating a nice guy like that
  • A great guy will love me for who I am and he’ll stay

These thoughts don’t turn themselves around overnight. It takes conscious effort to change negative thinking into positive, but you can do it with motivation and determination.

What’s your motivation? Finding the guy of your dreams!

Where do you find determination? It’s already there, within you, waiting to be set free. Your determination will grow as your confidence grows. The more you blossom into a confident woman, the more determined you’ll feel!

Work on Your Confidence

You keep hearing about building your confidence, but how do you do that? What does it mean to build confidence?

Perhaps we should begin by defining confidence: confidence is your belief that you can do something. This means that you can have an abundance of confidence in your ability to do your job or raise your kids, but you can have low confidence about finding a great man.

Many women who reach out to me are in exactly this situation. You are not alone. What are some things you can do to build confidence?

Set Boundaries

Boundaries are essential. They are the line we draw between how other people want to treat us and how we will accept being treated. Many people who have low confidence have few to no boundaries. It’s scary to set boundaries because doing so might make someone upset with you and you can’t stand the thought of that.

I understand, but allow me to ask you this question. Why would you allow someone to treat you badly? Your answer is because you’re afraid they’ll stop being your friend, right?

Well, a true friend wouldn’t dream of crossing your boundaries. The question you should be asking yourself is why does that person think it’s okay to walk all over you and treat you like a doormat? Is that how friends treat friends or is that how people treat others they know will accept their bad behavior?

Having boundaries helps you build your confidence, and it also helps you get rid of toxic people in your life. If you have a boundary that says no sex on the first date, a great guy will not only honor you for it, but respect you. A schmuck will push and push until you give in, and if you don’t, well, you’ll never see him again.

Good! Sianara!

It will be difficult at first to stand up for your boundaries, but once you start, you’ll feel empowered and confident. Confidence builds upon itself, so the more you build, the more you’ll find.

Face Your Fears

It’s so easy to allow fears to keep you from doing things. You’re afraid to fly so you stay home all the time or only go places you can drive to. But you’re missing out on a whole big part of the world by allowing this fear to rule your life.

You may be afraid you’ll die alone, without ever finding happiness. But do you realize that many people lie on their death beds wishing they’d taken more chances? They wish they had faced more fears!

Facing fears is a great way to build your confidence because the voice inside that’s been saying “I can’t” suddenly becomes the voice saying, “I can!”

How do I Stop Pushing Him Away with My Insecurities? You Stop the “It’s Always Me” Thoughts

I’m sorry to tell you this, but his world doesn’t revolve around you.

No, I’m not calling you an egomaniac. Your low confidence forces you to believe everything he does, positive or negative, is about you. He doesn’t want to come over and watch a rom-com with you? It’s because he doesn’t like you.

He doesn’t want to meet your parents on a Wednesday night? It’s because he isn’t serious about you.

Those are the false truths your mind has conjured up. Try to see the facts of a situation. He wasn’t in the mood for a rom-com. Or, he wanted to hang with his friends. Maybe, he was exhausted after a long work day and didn’t want to meet your parents when he wasn’t feeling 100%.

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | Unload Old Relationship Baggage

Men sniff out a bitter woman from one hundred paces. If you have old relationship baggage, you seem as bitter. This isn’t productive if you want to begin a new relationship and have any chance at success.

If you find yourself saying, “Men really suck” or “All men are liars,” you need a time out to unload past hurt. It’s heavy relationship baggage that’s pulling you down into a pit of feeling worthless and unworthy.

Chances are, you don’t even realize you’re lugging this baggage around. It sneaks up on you. First, it’s just a few small items, then you add few more. Then a big one piles on, and another.

By carrying baggage around, you’re carrying past hurt and anger. A guy dumps you and you’re hurt. Instead of forgiving and moving forward in a healthy way, you hold onto that hurt. For a while, there’s a payoff. Your friends and family feel sorry for you, so the hurt stays.

Then, you find another guy and he dumps you for another woman – your best friend no less. Not only are you hurt, you’re angry with them, but you keep it bottled up inside.

Instead of forgiving, you carry it around and it fits nicely with the hurt of the last breakup. This continues until the baggage you’re carrying leaves you jaded and bitter.

Carrying past hurt and anger is causing pain to one person – you. You’re allowing someone to live rent-free in your head, to sabotage your thoughts and hold you hostage. It’s time to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t for the person you’re forgiving and doesn’t make what they did to you okay. It relieves you of the responsibility of carrying the negative emotions associated with that person. It frees up space in your mind for happiness.

Alter Your Communication Skills

Effective communication is key in any relationship. When you communicate with a potential or current boyfriend, it’s a big deal to get it right.

The problem with communication is that you usually come at something from your own perspective. When I was a boy, I needed new hockey skates. I demanded that my mother buy me some. This got me nowhere. Had I come at her from her point of view, I would have had new skates.

What I should have said was, “Hey Mom, if I help you around the house this weekend with some chores, can I get new hockey skates?” Then, I’m recognizing that she’s a busy woman and I’m offering to help her so she will help me.

You might not need new skates but you still need to keep this lesson in mind. Take a few moments to assess a situation from the other persons point of view. Did your ex really avoid you for the reasons you conjured up, or was there something else?

Check Your Paranoia at the Door

Allow your partner to earn your trust and vice versa. To do that, avoid paranoid behaviors that cause trust to deteriorate.

Trust can be a tricky one, because if you’ve experienced a distrustful relationship previously, you’ll be more cautious, perhaps even too cautious. What you must remember is that each person earns or ruins his trust with you on his own. Your trust in one person should never be based on anyone’s past except that one persons.

Just because your last boyfriend cheated doesn’t mean all men cheat. It means that one did. And if your last boyfriend was financially irresponsible, it doesn’t mean your next guy will be too.

If you don’t trust him but there is no basis for your distrust, it’s probably your issue. Trust issues are common so don’t feel like it’s only you. Be real with what you believe, trust him until he proves to you he can’t be trusted and keep your eyes wide open so you don’t trust someone you shouldn’t.

Snooping through his phone or email is not trustful. Sneaking around town, looking to see if he’s where he said he would be is not trustful. If you find he’s cheating on you or lying to you, dump him. He doesn’t deserve you. Otherwise, trust him and grow that trust into a beautiful relationship.

Become an Independent Woman

This one is HUGE. Co-dependent relationships NEVER work. I recently spoke to a 17-year old girl whose parents have been divorced for several years. While her mother has her act together, her dad is another story.

She stated to me that when her dad and his new wife, who is 12 years younger, are apart from one another for more than twenty-four hours, they come undone. She asked me why. I told her that they were co-dependent. She said, “Yeah, I don’t want to be like that!”

I affirmed her belief and told her how she could stay an independent young lady. Her mother is a great example, which I pointed out to her. I told her to be strong, to be financially stable and to be sure of herself. She also told me she doesn’t want to date and is really just enjoying her life as it is right now. This tells me she’s on the right track.

When you’re an independent woman, you won’t get sucked into a co-dependent relationship. What does it mean to be independent? It means you don’t rely on a man for your happiness and your mood isn’t determined by anyone else’s. It means you know what you want and how you plan to go about getting it.

You have goals and you’re driven to chase after them. You know any man would be lucky to be great enough to get and keep your attention. It means you have a life outside of your relationship and it includes hobbies, activities, adventures and friendships.

Independence comes with confidence, so the more confident you become, the more independent you’ll be.

Am I Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities?

By asking, am I pushing him away with my insecurites, you’re taking the first step in fixing the problem. You recognize something isn’t quite right, but you can’t put your finger on it. Now, after reading the information above, you hopefully have a better understanding of how you can fix things.

If you’re insecure, you will chase men off. The only men you won’t chase off are insecure men. This leads you down the path to a co-dependent relationship. In order to be one-half of a successful relationship, build your confidence, believe you’re worthy of a quality man and develop higher self-esteem. You need to be independent, strong, financially stable and baggage-free.

This is all possible! I know you can do it!

It's Time to Understand Men!

Men and women do almost everything differently, and sometimes for different motivations.

Men view finances, love, dating, dealing with difficult situations, and communication differently than women.

Inside this book, you’ll discover how to improve your relationships by understanding these differences and learning how to overcome them and use them to your advantage.

This isn’t about playing games. It’s about understanding what he’s thinking and how he’ll best understand you.

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Lack of Sexual Tension in Your Relationship? Bring it Back!

Lack of Sexual Tension in Your Relationship? Bring it Back!

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After

How to Bring Back Sexual Tension with Your Guy

Sexual tension doesn’t have to fade in a relationship. I’ve been studying the connection between love and sex and I see couples who love each other but have no desire to have sex anymore. This confuses me.

After years in the relationship business, I know challenge and mystery play a huge part in sexual desire. Take it away and, sexual desire might suffer.

Why?

Intimacy and sexual desire work in opposition to one another. It’s like a cruel joke. The closer we get and the more we know about one another, the faster mystery and challenge begin to die. Consequently, boredom sets in.

And yet isn’t the goal to get closer and gain intimacy with the person you love?

Yes, but there should be a balance. When two people start dating, their lives are separate and independent from one another. You naturally begin to wonder about him and your future together.

What does he do?

What’s his favorite ice cream?

How will he make love to me?

Will we get married and have kids?

These are the mysteries of the relationship. Mystery creates sexual tension and excitement. You crave being together more.

Intimacy comes from the great weekend hikes or the stay at the B&B where everything went wrong, but you still had a great time. It comes from enjoying date nights where you touch base and heading off to a winery for an impromptu weekend getaway.

Intimacy is great, but it breeds a type of boredom that can crush sexual desire.

The very closeness that you work toward takes away the independence that breeds sexual desire.

 

sexual tension

How to Build Sexual Tension with a Man

Get Separation

John and Sally have been married for five years and the sex has fallen off. Sally gave up her friends and hobbies to be with John, but these were some of the mysteries about Sally that John loved.

He encouraged her to spend time with her friends and pursue her hobbies again. He craved the mystery again and wanted to rekindle the sexual tension between them.

Sally took this as rejection because she wanted to love John her way without understanding his needs.

It was an invitation, not a rebuff.

John didn’t understand why either, but he knew it was better when they both had independent and separate areas of their lives.

Separation creates a sense of insecurity that allows sexual tension to flourish!

It’s good for a man to wonder, in a healthy way, what you are up to. It’s okay for him to see you dressed up to hang out with your friends.

He’ll spend the evening wondering what you’re doing, anxiously awaiting your return! This is a good way to create sexual tension in a relationship.

When you become one in your relationship, you kill sexual desire. It cannot exist when there is no independence. It’s the separation, the mystery which keeps sexual desire alive!

Using separation to change things up doesn’t mean being gone every night. Maybe it’s once a week or every couple of weeks.

If you communicate, you can find out if one of you feels suffocated.

Suffocation enters when independence exits and the sexual desire exits with it. When independence is used properly, intimacy and sexual tension co-exist. Every individual should maintain a separate part of themselves.

It’s not about keeping secrets or hiding your past. It’s about keeping part of yourself to yourself.

How to Create Sexual Tension | Delve into the Unknown

Have you ever bought a new car? Wasn’t the anticipation incredible? Then, after a few weeks, the desire for the new vehicle faded and the negatives set in – high excise taxes, five-year, high interest loan and expensive insurance.

Compare this to your relationship. It’s not that it has become bad, it’s that you know everything about each other now, just like your new car.

The earlier sexual tension and excitement hid all your flaws. To bring it back, do new things together and rekindle the unknown.

You take your old car to a race track! By placing yourselves in new situations that are outside your comfort zones, you see another side to each other that’s new and exciting.

This creates that sexual tension that existed in the infatuation stage. But you must agree to this and do this from the start. Otherwise it might be difficult to drag him off the couch.

When a couple commits to experiencing exciting date nights, five years deep and two kids later, their relationship is still vibrant because they created the unknown again.

Sexual tension can now thrive with intimacy.

Love wants to know all, but desire needs mystery. When you strike the balance between the two, you have a healthy, happy relationship.

A Closer Look At Long Distance Relationships

A Closer Look At Long Distance Relationships

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

Long Distance Relationships Info-graphic

The phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder is used by many to console those who may have their doubts about committing to a long distance relationship. However, there are many factors that go into making one work, and each case will no doubt have its own unique qualities that need addressing.

Long Distance Relationship Info-Graphic

Are you Counting the Days until you see your guy again? Do you wish for a long distance relationship that felt as if it could go that distance? This book helps you learn ways in which you can make the most of your time apart. You’ll learn new ways to communicate and share time together, even when you’re apart. It’s a great book for helping you find the answers to the probing questions people seem to have no problem asking.

You can learn more about the book here or you can buy it now by clicking one of the buttons below.

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What is Phubbing? Is it Harming Your Relationship?

What is Phubbing? Is it Harming Your Relationship?

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After

Phubbing, or phone snubbing, is an all-too-common behavior these days, but the real question to ask is whether phubbing is harming your relationship.

First, what is phubbing exactly?

Imagine you and your guy are out for date night. You’d like to talk about what movie you should go see later, but he’s got his thumbs furiously tapping on his phone. He’s engrossed and completely oblivious to the fact that you’re talking to him.

That’s phubbing.

Look on your next public transportation ride – I’ll bet you that the majority of people are phubbing. They’re engrossed in their phones so deeply that they miss what’s going on around them.

What You’ll Find Here

Why do People Use Phubbing?
Phubbing and the Impact on Your Relationship
Now that You’re Aware of the Harm of Phubbing…
How to Stop Phubbing (or Stop Him)
Wrap Up

Why do People use Phubbing?

Of course, there’s a why associated with phubbing, and I think it’s important to understand it so we can dig down to why it harms relationships.

Phubbers are often Phubbed

If you’ve been phubbed a lot before, you’re more likely to engage in the same behavior. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?

This is backed up by a scientific study.

Science is Still Studying

As far as scientific research goes, phubbing is a newer phenomenon, however, this doesn’t mean that there’s no information. It simply means that more information is needed to make well informed conclusions.

So, what that means to our conversation is that there are some ideas on who’s more likely to be phubbing, but there could be more information to come.

One prevailing thought is that phubbing is associated with people who have an addictive personality to start with. Since phubbing can be seen as a smartphone addiction, this makes sense. Some science has initially proven this to be true.

Along with that, some believe a social media addiction is closely related or correlated to phubbing. Again, this makes sense. If you’re hooked on social media, where are you going to spend your time?

Part of the social media problem, which is also new in scientific research, is learning whether people are using social media to form their own identity. Who you are in real life is who you project on social media, except it isn’t. That doesn’t stop people from trying to build an identity around what they post on social media.

FoMO is another reason for phubbing. FoMO, for those of us who are older (I had to look it up) is fear of missing out. Again, it makes sense because much of FoMO relates to social media.

Studies don’t yet agree on whether men or women are more prone to phubbing. Some say yes while other studies say no.

Additionally, there’s good news if you’re married as married people are usually less prone to phubbing.

Emotional Intelligence and Physical Aggression

Some have studied the relationship between emotional intelligence, physical aggression, and phubbing.

Research to date tells us that emotional intelligence can be a predictor of phubbing. Those with high emotional intelligence are able to control their emotions while those with low emotional intelligence cannot. Those with lower emotional intelligence are more likely to engage in phubbing.

So, it stands to reason that physical aggression would also have a relationship with phubbing. Some who have low emotional intelligence, but not all, are more prone to physical or verbal aggression.

More Information is Needed

Obviously, since this whole smartphone world is relatively new, the science behind its impact on our lives truly remains to be seen, but now let’s dig into how phubbing negatively impacts your relationship.

Phubbing and the Impact on Your Relationship

Jealousy

One common problem often associated with phubbing is jealousy. Imagine you’re on a date with your guy and all he wants to do is be on his phone.

What’s your first thought? Who has his attention so much that he can’t tear himself away to talk to you, right? Of course! That’s what anyone would think.

He’s Phubbing, You’re Phubbing

One of the first things I mentioned was that a predictor of whether you’re a phubber or not can be whether it’s been done to you.

If your guy is phubbing and ignoring you, what’s a girl to do? Get her smartphone out and join the phubbing party.

The problem with this is that you’re supposed to be out enjoying one another, but you aren’t. If one of you isn’t really into the whole smartphone thing, it can become very aggravating.

It Promotes an Environment of Retaliation

Some studies have shown that when your partner is phubbing, it makes you angry, of course, and your desire for retaliation is higher. You want revenge for being ignored.

This makes sense again because when you’re in a relationship, you want the attention of your loved one, but if all their time is spent with their nose in their phone, they barely know you exist.

You’re Very Dissatisfied with Your Relationship

To me, there’s already a high rate of relationships ending for reasons that could be avoided, and this seems as if it would fall into the same category.

What I mean by this is that if you or your partner simply realize that your behavior is hurting the other, you would quit or at least slow way the heck down so you wouldn’t continue to hurt them.

People who have phubbing partners, often called ‘phubbees’ reported lower relationship satisfaction in a study during which the partners were asked to keep a daily journal that also noted how extreme they felt the phubbing had been during the day.

Now that You’re Aware of the Harm of Phubbing

If you’re the phubber, I hope you see how your behavior is harming your relationship. If you’re the phubbee, I hope you see that what you’re feeling is backed up by science. Your partner is physically, but not mentally present.

If you feel frustrated, ignored, and unhappy with your relationship, you’re right where you should be. Your feelings are to be expected.

It’s unfortunate that we’re becoming so socially isolated because of technology. During COVID, we learned how to engage in relationships without being physically present, but there are things about being in close proximity to your partner that can’t be replaced.

Touch is very important because it gives us a feeling of being appreciated and loved. There is actually a physical response to being touched that helps reduce your stress and anxiety.

If we begin to dump our noses into our phones, we’re missing out on a huge aspect to a relationship. Not only are we avoiding eye contact, but there’s no touch, no conversation, no interaction of any sort.

So to answer the original question – is phubbing harming your relationship, the answer is a big YES!

How can you stop?

How to Stop Phubbing

Acknowledge the Problem

Of course, the first step in solving any problem is acknowledging that the problem exists. We often equate this to alcoholism, but the truth is that you can’t fix a problem you don’t recognize.

Whether you’re the phubber or the phubbee, it’s time to have a conversation with your partner to discuss the problem. As you know, one begets the other, so chances are you’re both doing it to some extent, regardless of who started it.

Implement Technology-Free Date Nights

A date night is a chance for the two of you to regroup and reconnect. The older your relationship is, the more important date night is, but it’s important to every relationship.

I make one, maybe two exceptions for this, and that’s if you have kids or one of you is on-call for a job, but even then, the phone is face-down on the table or put away in a pocket or purse.

This is your time to talk and spend time just being together. Phubbing moves you about as far in the other direction as you can go.

Place Your Phone Out of Sight

If you’re at home watching a movie, don’t put your phone on the table face-up where you can see every notification that comes in.

Lay it face down and silence notifications. If you can’t lay it face down, set it in a drawer or across the room.

The point is to remove the temptation to use it. And don’t go get it during a commercial or when your partner needs a bathroom break.

Try a Digital Detox to End Phubbing

There are apps that will help you regulate your time on your device. Some apps will block distracting apps from intruding in your life.

You can also turn off notifications for apps that tend to pull you away, like social media, mail, and even texting or voicemails.

I don’t like the little red numbers beside apps that tell me how many unread messages I have any more than the next person, but I don’t sit and stare at my phone either.

Assign Ring Tones to Important People

I understand that in today’s society, people expect you to reply immediately, but that doesn’t mean you should. Instead, assign the truly important people in your life a ringtone. Give Mom her own tone, or your kids, or your office if you go on-call or have a job where you may be urgently needed.

Kick the rest of the messages and voicemails to the later pile.

How to Stop HIM from Phubbing

If you’re the phubbee, it’s time to have a conversation with your partner. He’s obviously so engrossed in his phone that he hasn’t noticed how upset you get. Tell him. Use “I” language:

  • Brett, I feel like you’re ignoring me when you spend so much time on your phone
  • It makes me feel like I’m not important to you when you never look up from your phone
  • When we’re together, I feel as if you’re not really there

Stating how you feel is harder to dispute and these sentences don’t begin with an accusation. They state the situation and how it makes you feel.

After you’ve discussed it, if you notice that he’s starting his phubbing again, gently remind him that he’s doing it. Try not to take it personally. This is akin to an addiction and the phubber won’t be able to stop cold turkey.

Also, avoid your own phone. Give an example of what being present looks like. Be understanding and compassionate. This has likely become a habit and habits can be tricky to break. Give him time to recognize his problem and make a course correction.

Finally, resist the urge to turn to your own phone. Instead, try to interest him in something. Choose a topic of interest to him, like a hobby he has, a favorite team, or some other topic. This is intriguing enough for him to pull him away.

If you replace phubbing with fun, it will be an easier habit to break. Engage him in activities that make it harder to dig out a phone.

That’s a Wrap!

It’s clear that phubbing is harmful to relationships, and not just romantic relationships, but relationships between parents and children and your friendships.

In any instance, the feeling of being ignored and unimportant is there, waving a big red flag.

Whether you’re the phubber or the phubbee, there are things you can do to help rein in the problem. Patience with your partner will help things go more smoothly.

Sex and the new relationship: When is the right time for sex?

Sex and the new relationship: When is the right time for sex?

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

Gregg today and I have a guest post to share with you. This one comes from someone you’ve heard from before, Amber, who shared her relationship story with us a couple of weeks ago. She has a great topic to share with you today! Amber will help answer this age-old question: When is the right time for sex? Hey ladies, Amber here! You’ve heard the old adage, “Why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?” Well, maybe there’s some truth to that. Taking it slow can actually be a good thing in a new relationship, even if he is incredibly irresistible. WebMD and relationship experts, including Gregg, overwhelmingly agree a cautious approach to sex is best when dating. In fact, they believe jumping into the sack too soon can lead to some seriously emotional (and possibly even physical) consequences. It takes time to get to know another person, and it’s especially hard to see what he is really all about when you get lost in the heat of passion. What if he’s not such a good guy? What if he sleeps around? Can you trust him? Is he looking for a committed, monogamous relationship? Or just sex. Have you known him long enough to REALLY know? The sad truth is, men are wired to want to have sex — to conquer as many women as possible and spread their seed. Yes, even the nice guys…. at first. A woman is wired differently. We want to have the love of just one man and a family to nurture. If you let a guy “conquer” you too quickly, he will move on to the next woman just as quickly. But if you are a challenge, he will pursue you. And when he finally wins you, he will cherish and honor you. You will become his ultimate prize. I know, it all sounds so primitive and primal, but it’s also pretty accurate. Sleeping with a man on the first, or even after the third or fourth date, is probably too soon. Intelligent, confident women should know this, but still, we sometimes fall prey to their wily ways. A player is always going to play, but a good guy may just end up marrying you if you wait until you KNOW he is genuinely in love with you, and is committed to only you. So let’s say you meet a guy you are really attracted to. You’ve been on a bunch of dates and have great conversations. Time passes, and you both feel a real connection, emotionally and physically. You may even be thinking this guy could possibly be THE ONE. Whenever you’re together your feelings grow even stronger, and you may be wondering when to take your relationship to the next level. When is the right time to get to know him intimately? When the time is right, you’ll both know. You can’t plan it, and you wouldn’t want to. But remember, in any relationship, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open no matter what. If you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. So if you really are thinking about taking that next step together (to the bedroom) and the time is right, have an honest conversation about what you want out of this relationship and where you two are headed. STDs also need to be discussed (condoms should be used, even in a committed relationship). Be up front now about ALL your concerns and expectations, before it’s too late. If he really cares about you, he won’t mind. You don’t want to get your heart broken, and you certainly don’t want an accidental pregnancy. It can happen, even if it’s just one time, and even if you’re careful. Sex might be fun, but raising a child on your own, or being tied FOREVER to the wrong guy, is probably not so fun. Dating can be difficult. Even though your brain tells you to wait as long as you can with a guy, sometimes the heat of the moment takes over, and “as long as you can” becomes RIGHT NOW! If you decide a one-night stand is fine by you, be up front with the guy and make your intentions clear. You should treat him the same way you would want to be treated. Guys can get their hearts broken too, you know. On the other hand, if you are looking for a committed relationship that will go the distance, make sure you have an emotional connection, not just a physical one, and it will be worth the wait. Making love is way better than just sex. And sex changes everything…. Hopefully in a good way! My new eBook, Manimals: Understanding Different Types of Men and How To Date Them, is all about the different types of men, their traits, their likes and dislikes, the pros and cons of dating them, and whether or not they’re even datable at all (hint: some aren’t). And it isn’t your typical book. Manimals is interactive, including infographics and videos that help bring the information to life — plus you’ll have the chance to tell YOUR story! Women who purchase this book will have the option of sharing how they successfully, or not so successfully, dealt with a Manimal, and be part of the story! Each month, I will update the book with new submissions. There’s no telling how big this book could become! Instructions will be included in the book on how to update your purchase each month so you can see won’t miss a thing.
7 Things Your Boyfriend Won’t Tell You (and Will Deny if You Ask)

7 Things Your Boyfriend Won’t Tell You (and Will Deny if You Ask)

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

Things Your Boyfriend Won’t Tell You

There are always things that both men and women are hesitant to share with their partners, things that they know will bite them in the butt if they share. There are definitely things your boyfriend won’t tell you, and while this isn’t a comprehensive list, it does hit the highlights.

Your job is not to do anything silly—like confront him on these on your next date night. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Things Your Boyfriend Won’t Tell You | Secret #1: He WILL lie about your cooking

You may think you’re an awesome cook, but that meatloaf of yours…yeah, he’d rather go to Burger King. I wouldn’t look too deep into this. If he says he likes it the first time, don’t ask him ten more times.

You’ll get the same answer and you’ll both be grumpy about it.  Give him a couple of options, and if you notice he never wants one of those options, chop it out of your dinner rotation. Problem solved.

Secret #2: He’s not going to stop watching porn (no matter how nicely you ask)

But you knew this…or at least I hope you did. Your guy loves having sex with you, but he also loves watching sex from time to time (too much, he may have a problem.)

The more you ridicule him into thinking it’s wrong, the more likely he’ll resent you. Besides, this isn’t about you. I’m sure you’re fantastic in bed. But no matter how crazy the sex, a guy is going to feel the need to get off without you from time to time.

Secret #3: He’ll never tell you that you look fat—EVER

You could be wearing a moo-moo and closing in on 400 pounds, he doesn’t dare say it, not ever. He knows that the minute he says something, you’ll go through your entire wardrobe before you two can leave the house.

things your boyfriend won't tell you

On top of that, you’ll force him to watch as you try on everything you own. If he really thinks you look better in something and says so, you probably won’t believe him – and he knows it.

Secret #4: He doesn’t feel like chit chat after sex

I think a lot of you read this and know about it, but it still doesn’t stop you from getting angry when your guy falls asleep in the middle of one of your monologues. Sorry, but our brains shut down.

We want to play a video game or turn on Netflix but the last thing we feel like doing is chatting. Don’t blame us. Blame biology.

Secret #5: Steamy sex dreams (that don’t involve you) aren’t leaving the confines of his head things your boyfriend won't tell you

He’ll never mention it…ever, especially if it has to do with an ex. Sex with other partners in a dream says nothing about his own desire for you so you shouldn’t feel threatened by it. He’s not going to call his ex up just because he had a dream about her.

Secret #6: He’ll hide the fact that he doesn’t feel like having sex with you (at the moment)

It’s easy for girls to tell their guys to bugger off if they don’t want sex. That’s pretty normal in a standard relationship. Society, however, doesn’t apply that same logic to men denying women sex.

Your guy is so nervous about saying something that he’ll probably just run with it anyway—regardless of whether he’s stressed out, tired, annoyed with you, or a whole slew of other things.

Secret #7: Yes, he’s looking at other women – and enjoying it

He’s sneaky about it, too. For every time you’ve caught him looking at another girl, he’s done it another 10 times without you noticing. When he’s hanging out with friends, it’s even worse.

Can we agree that there are other pretty women out there? He’s not going to have sex with them (if you are a catch – and you are) so don’t sweat it. And the more you get on his case about it, the more he’ll just feel nervous around you. Trust your man and understand that it’s nothing personal.

Things Your Boyfriend Won’t Tell You Final Thoughts

If you’re in a great relationship, none of these little secrets are important. He still loves you and wants to do what’s best for the relationship. I would strongly suggest you not bring these up, even if you have in the past. Give your dude some space. Trust me, he’ll appreciate it.

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