I have been answering all your emails, every day, and the subject of “understanding men” from a man’s point of view seems to be what resonates the most.
On February 24th I blogged about the 12 ingredients that go into men. Do you remember them?
Today I want to talk about the 4th ingredient – men hide their feelings and rarely listen.
Holding in our emotions is DNA imprint #4 on our list. Guys are brought up to not show much emotion and when we do, it usually isn’t pretty.
We are taught to be self-reliant and to fix things. Crying is not part of that. A strong man never cries, instead he analyzes his problem and finds a solution. Stoic and reserved – that is a true man!
I grew up with 3 older sisters. I remember falling off my bike one day. My dad said, “Stop your crying, get over it – it’s just a scratch!” My sister Cheryl fell down and everyone embraced her crying and asked her where it hurt.
Then she would get a friggin’ ice cream!
My family listened to Cheryl. She was nurtured when she fell down. She learned through this response that showing her emotions was a good thing. She got rewarded. No one listened to my feelings when I wiped out and no one cared about my wounds.
No wonder I don’t open up and show my feelings in a relationship. Not knowing how men are when it comes to emotions, you will tell your friends, “Gregg won’t tell me how he feels” or “He never listens to me!”
Provide and protect, that’s what we do. Communicate, listen, and nurture? Uh no.
Fix the kitchen sink? I’m on it!
There is science behind men and their feelings. It’s not that we don’t have them, we do, we just process things differently. Men reason – we use the left side of our brain. Women use the right side where emotion lies.
We don’t understand your display of emotions. We have our way but it is not your way. Few women understand this. In fact I bet you would be horrified if your man started acting emotionally like you do.
If I broke into a nonstop crying fit after my car broke down, my girl would be calling me a shrink and packing her things!
You are in the talking business, we are in the fix it business.
Now that you know this and can accept it, how can you use it to your advantage? How can you get what you want while a man is allowed to get what he needs too? How do we make it a win/win for both?
Let’s start with what you don’t do:
- Don’t try to get him to show his emotions
- Never chase him when he retreats
- Don’t tease him when he does show emotion
An even better way to manage this situation is to let him retreat and give him space. This is when he contemplates his next move and decides how he is going to fix whatever issue is bugging him. Give him this time and you will be amazed at how much he opens up when he is ready.
Patient women are rewarded when they do what he does – retreat and just be patient. I call this Man Mode and it works great!
Let’s look at a practical example of how you to use this DNA trait (hiding his emotions and not listening) to your benefit…
Imagine you want a fence installed around the yard. Don’t complain because he won’t listen and he will withdraw. Instead, put it in “fix it” terms! “Honey, is there a way to keep the dog from chasing the cars? A fence or something? Is that hard to do?”
WHOA! I just got a twitch running down my leg. “A fence? The dog? I love the dog.”
You can even add in a little compliment too; “Honey, is there a way to keep the dog from chasing the cars? A fence or something? I bet you can build an awesome fence!”
I am now listening and willing to express my emotions because you are speaking my language.
Some of you will yell at me and say, “Gregg, why do I always need to change for him?” I don’t want you to change, I am helping you understand him so you can react differently, and in a way he understands – that’s all.
Remember, I am also on the other side teaching men about women so we don’t keep doing the same stupid things that we are notorious for!
I can take ANY scenario, pick from the DNA tree (or the conveyor belt to manhood as I like to call it), and solve your problems that you have with men and now you can too!!
Next week, we will talk about DNA Imprint #5 – Money is very important to us!
Gregg began his journey into understanding the mistakes we make in dating and how to fix them by interviewing thousands of people – happy couples, unhappy couples, singles looking for ‘the one’ and everyone in between. He reviewed his own dating experiences and combined all of this information into his series of dating advice books for men and women.