It’s human nature to hide things you’re ashamed of or not to share your fears with your partner for fear of judgment, but what if vulnerability is the key to better relationships?

What if sharing those things creates a deeper bond with your partner and helps you get closer?

Today, you’ll learn why vulnerability is the key to better relationships and how to overcome the fear of sharing those things you’re afraid to share!

What Does it Mean to be Vulnerable?

When you make yourself vulnerable to someone, it means you expose yourself to the possibility that what you say or feel might not be well-received and could even cause you harm, either physically or emotionally.

When you’re vulnerable in a relationship, you’re making a conscious choice to expose something about yourself in an authentic way, allowing your partner to see and respond to this truer version of you.

How does Being Vulnerable Help Relationships?

Emotional Openness

When you’re emotionally vulnerable, you’re sharing your needs, emotions, and thoughts openly and honestly with your partner.

Often, when one partner shares, it makes the other partner feel more comfortable sharing something in return.

It might not happen right away, but it will.

Authenticity

When you’re authentic, you’re being the real you. You aren’t trying to be someone that you think other people want you to be and you aren’t hiding things about yourself.

In a world full of social media and contrived images, people are craving more authenticity than ever before.

It’s Risky

When you decide to share something with your partner, you’re taking a risk that he might not be accepting of what you have to say.

However, many times, we are so hard on ourselves that we anticipate a much harsher judgment than what would ever come.

Anxiety creates a much worse situation than reality.

You Build Trust

When you expose your vulnerabilities, you’re telling your partner that you trust him with the deepest and most treasured part of yourself. You’re exposing the things you’re afraid to share, but you trust that he won’t react poorly or harshly.

This brings you closer and helps build the intimacy we all crave in our relationships.

It Encourages Empathy

By being vulnerable, you’re asking your partner to see things from your point of view, which isn’t something we naturally do for one another. We see and judge others from our own perspectives.

But this empathy will help you deepen your bond and develop a deeper understanding of one another.

It Fosters Personal Growth

Sharing your vulnerability is scary as heck, depending on what you have to share, but the rewards are so much greater.

When you and your partner share your vulnerabilities, you’re building confidence in one another and your relationship as a whole. You deepen the sense of us against the world and enjoy a stronger bond.

Improved Communication

Engaging in open and honest communication leads to successful relationships. When you’re both able to be vulnerable, you know that you’re sharing the deepest parts of yourselves.

That trust makes it easier for you to be open and honest about other things, which continues that strengthening and bonding.

You Find Healing and Growth

By sharing your vulnerabilities, you create an environment where you both feel safe and can embark on a journey of healing.

You know that your partner understands you on a deeper level and will be your support system when things creep back up on you.

How to be Vulnerable in a Relationship

Be More Self-Aware

Before you can open up to someone else, you need to get real with yourself. Understand your own feelings and boundaries.

Acknowledge your fears and anxieties and uncover where they’re coming from. Why do you carry around this fear or secret?

And finally, be kind to yourself. You’ve probably beaten yourself up over this plenty already, so it’s time to forgive yourself and understand that you’re doing the best you can.

Use Open and Honest Communication

As you read above, being vulnerable is about using open and honest communication with your partner.

Tell him your fears. Let him know what you need from him in your relationship.

And ask him to share his fears and needs in return.

Also, when you’re communicating, use “I” statements, instead of “you” statements. These are better because they come across as being more about you and less about accusing your partner of something.

Gregg, I really could use some help with the chores around the house.

Or,

Gregg, you never do anything around here!

I know which one would get a better response out of me!

And finally, listen at least as much as you speak, if not more. Listening involves actually paying attention to what your partner is saying. You aren’t formulating your own retort or scrolling Facebook on your phone.

You’re actively engaged in conversation with him, nodding and showing appropriate responses to what’s being said.

Create a Safe Space to Share

Sharing vulnerabilities isn’t a good idea when you’re out to dinner somewhere. This is something to do in the privacy of one of your homes.

It also isn’t a great idea to share something like this if the two of you aren’t getting along very well.

You want to create a quiet and private space for the two of you at a time when things are going well between you.

To get things rolling, share your own vulnerability first. He may or may not want to share something right away. If he doesn’t, don’t be offended.

He may need time to get up his own courage, but now that you’ve shared, it will be easier for him.

When he does share, be respectful and empathetic. You know from personal experience how difficult it was for him to share. Remember that when you respond.

Start Small

The first thing you share shouldn’t be earth shattering news. Share something that’s small and not as emotionally risky.

Be patient with yourself and your partner. This vulnerability stuff isn’t easy, and you both need to show some patience with one another.

If you find that sharing either isn’t working or is causing bigger problems, consider finding a therapist to help guide you both through this difficult time.

What Types of Things Count as Vulnerabilities?

One thing you may feel vulnerable about is the relationship itself. Share this with your partner and let him know why you feel like you’re on shaky ground.

It’s possible he feels the same way but doesn’t know how to approach it with you. By getting it out there, you can discuss things and figure out what your next steps should be.

Another example is to apologize for a mistake you’ve made that impacts your partner or relationship in some way. While apologies don’t take back what happened, they are a good start towards healing.

Vulnerability can also come in the form of appreciation. I know it seems silly, but for some people, showing appreciation is new and a little scary, but everyone loves and deserves to be appreciated, so go for it!

You can also ask him for help with something. This can be emotional support or support in another way, like helping around the house or with a tricky financial situation.

And the last example I have for you is when you feel the need to share something about your past.

While you might not be proud of everything in your past, remember that those things are what made you into the wonderful woman he’s now dating or married to. His past isn’t perfect either, so by sharing, you’re letting him know that it’s okay to share things from his past too.

Wrap Up

Try vulnerability on for size in your relationship. There are only two real possibilities. One is that your partner shares his vulnerabilities in return, and you draw closer to one another.

The second is that he finds you lacking after you share and he leaves. If this happens, it was for the best. You can’t have a relationship with secrets, or a relationship where you can’t share who you really are. It will never work.

So, if sharing your vulnerabilities causes the end of your relationship, then good riddance. That guy wasn’t the right guy for you. Don’t let past negative experiences keep you from sharing again in the future.

You just need to know you’ve found the right guy for you, and when you can share your true self with him – all of your true self, you’ll know you’ve found him!

Take a deep breath and go for it! Your relationship will only survive with open and honest communication, and that includes this.

Relationships are tough, and if you have low confidence, there may be things you and your partner are afraid to say to each other.

Today, I’d like to help you overcome these relationship hurdles and learn how to improve your communication with your partner.

This isn’t so much at the exact things you’re afraid to say to each other, as much as it’s about why you’re afraid to talk to one another about them. Each couple has their individual list of stuff.

What are you afraid to say to each other, and why?

What Are You Afraid to Say to Each Other?

Perhaps the first place for you to start is to make a list of what you’re afraid to discuss with your partner.

You know you’re holding things back.

What are they?

Go ahead and make your list…I’ll wait.

Why Are You Afraid to Say Those Things?

This is where I come in. I can help you understand the why, and once you understand the why, it’s easier to fix the problem.

You Fear Opening Up

You have things you want to say to your partner but you’re afraid that if you do, he won’t be supportive or receptive.

It might not be your fault. It’s possible that one or more of a few things may have happened in your past to cause you this fear.

The first is that you’ve opened up to either this partner or one in the past, and you experienced a very negative consequence of some sort as a result. This will make you very tentative to do the same thing again.

Another is that you have low confidence and you’re afraid that if you open up to him, he will turn away from you, or maybe even break up with you. This too could be the result of someone doing this to you previously.

It could also be that you have some attachment issues that stem from childhood traumas or examples of your parents’ relationship, which likely also had attachment issues.

You Fear Rejection or Pain

This is a very real fear, and it probably comes from a past of being rejected, whether by one or both parents, or men in other relationships.

Additionally, you might feel that if you share something with your partner, he’ll use it to hurt you in some way.

A lot of this comes from low confidence and low self-esteem. You may not feel worthy of such a great guy; therefore, you fear that if you share something about yourself, he’ll realize you aren’t worthy of him too and he’ll leave.

But give this guy some credit. He cares for you, or he wouldn’t be with you.

Be kind to yourself and recognize that the only way to overcome your fears is to face them, head on.

Recognize that you are worthy of a great guy and if this guy dumps you because of whatever it is you share, then he wasn’t the right guy for you after all. Buh-bye!

Fear of Criticism or Judgement

Nobody enjoys being criticized or judged, and everyone makes mistakes. Anyone who judges you for whatever it is you’re afraid to share isn’t being very realistic about their own life.

But your partner probably isn’t sitting there waiting for you to share something he can criticize you for.

If he wants to be critical and judgmental, he will be, whether you share or not, and if he is already doing that, then he’s not the guy for you anyway.

We often criticize things in other people that we see, and don’t like, about ourselves. That doesn’t make it okay, but it gives you some insight into what someone who’s being critical of you is really thinking.

Fear of Conflict

Some people are afraid of conflict. This, again, may come from a traumatized past where conflict ruled and you lived your life in constant fear.

You may have past experiences that have taught you that conflicts aren’t resolved easily but instead escalate out of control.

This can make you fearful of addressing issues in your relationship or confronting your partner about something that’s bothering you.

Fear of Disappointment

Everyone has a past, but sometimes if we think about sharing ours, we may fear disappointing the other person.

Perhaps you don’t want children, but you’re afraid to talk about this with your new beau. You really like him, but you’re afraid that he wants kids and you don’t, so he’ll dump you if you tell him.

This might be true. This is one of those relationship things you need to discuss, and if someone is disappointed, it’s unfortunate, but it’s also okay.

When you’re being real about what you want or things from your past, your partner makes a choice of how he will react. You cannot control that.

If he’s disappointed, then he is. He can either accept you for who you are or choose to move on. Either way, you’re now working with a more honest relationship that’s built on truth instead of omissions and you’ll both be better for it.

The Results of Being Afraid to Say Things to One Another

There are relationship consequences either way. If you don’t share things with one another, you run the risk of those things coming out anyway, making things even worse.

There are consequences to not sharing.

Lack of Intimacy

Intimacy is not sex. Let’s start by clearing that up.

Intimacy is those moments between you when you’re sharing something special or fun. You might go bowling together and have an absolutely terrible game, but the laughter and fun you share pushes your bond a little deeper.

But when you’re afraid to share things with one another, there’s a wall between you, and it prevents you from building true intimacy. It keeps your relationship stuck on a plateau.

Unresolved Issues

By not addressing problems in your relationship, you’re avoiding the inevitable. Eventually, things will reach a boiling point.

You may find yourself feeling more and more negative about your partner and your relationship, or you may come to resent him because you feel like you can’t share things with him.

Poor Communication

One of the biggest problems in relationships is communication. Poor communication is the same thing as adding bricks to that wall I just mentioned. You talk to one another, but not on a deep and meaningful level.

One or both of you are holding things back and it’s unhealthy.

Increased Stress and Anxiety

Holding things in causes stress and worrying about how your partner will react causes anxiety.

Instead of sharing your thoughts and feelings with him, you’re sitting there, imagining a dozen different awful ways the discussion will go.

In none of them do you imagine things turning out well, so you hold off longer.

Overcoming Your Fears

If you’re feeling this in your relationship, it’s possible your partner senses it, and maybe shares your fear.

To overcome a fear of opening up, create a safe space to communicate.

Start with something small and share it with your partner. Not only does this help you build trust that he won’t react badly, but it also encourages him to share something with you too. He might not do it right away, but soon.

Additionally, even though it’s difficult, you need to share your fears with your partner. He may share those fears or have fears of his own. If you both just sit there afraid, and afraid to share what you’re afraid of, fear wins, and your relationship ultimately loses.

Agree to listen to one another without judgement. If things become contentious, agree to step away from one another until you can both calm down and speak with reasonable tones.

Sometimes, it’s just the shock of whatever was shared that causes an emotional outburst. Given time to process the information, people often see things in a new light.

If your partner is sharing something with you, practice empathy and understanding, instead of judgment and criticism.

If the two of you are really struggling to be open with one another, try counseling. Relationship counselors are great at creating that safe space and walking you both through the feelings associated with this process.

And finally, focus on the positives of opening up to one another. You see what the negative consequences are of not opening up and you don’t want to experience those!

Wrapping Up: What are You Afraid to Say to Each Other?

Your past doesn’t need to be a predictor of your present, and just because one person reacted negatively to something doesn’t mean that the next person will also.

We don’t give one another enough credit for being kind and non-judgmental.

If you want to enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship with your partner, you have to face these fears of opening up and move past them.

If things end badly between you, then it wasn’t meant to be. If he can’t accept you for who you are, flaws and all, then he’s not the right man for you.

That guy will show up. You just might not be ready for him yet.

I know it’s scary to think about sharing your vulnerabilities, but in the end, it’s that honesty that builds a great relationship, not lies and omissions!

Long distance relationship problems can feel difficult to resolve since you may not be able to do so face-to-face like a more traditional relationship. Something minor can quickly turn into a huge problem if you don’t have the tools to manage and overcome the issues at hand.

Still, all is not lost. You can solve long distance relationship problems by gathering the right tools and knowing how to use them.

Let’s dig into some of the more common problems and how you can move past them in your relationship.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Whether you’re long distance or not, communication is the number one best way to keep a relationship on track.

The challenge in a long-distance relationship is that it may be more challenging to communicate sometimes.

Schedule Time for Regular Communication

You don’t need to speak every day, whether you’re long distance or not, however, it is important to set aside some time to talk to one another.

And I’m not talking about the wishy-washy stuff. I mean the important things that people in relationships should discuss. Think of it as part of your regular date night, or maybe a second date night each week.

During these conversations, be open and honest with one another about any concerns that might have popped up since you last spoke, as well as any plans you may have to see one another.

Use this time to really connect, not be superficial.

Be Open and Honest

Relationships are built on your ability to be open and honest with one another. If you can’t trust this person with your stuff, who can you trust?

And trust is at the root of a good relationship, right behind that good communication.

It allows you both to feel comfortable sharing your vulnerabilities, knowing that your partner won’t hold them against you or make fun of you for them.

Even if you think your partner won’t like what you have to say, you must keep this open and honest approach.

Listen First

All too often, we don’t truly listen to the person we’re speaking with. They’re speaking and we’re either just plain not paying attention or we’re working up our own story that’s better than theirs.

Listening engages you in the conversation and lets the speaker know that you value what they have to say. You aren’t scrolling Facebook on your phone while he’s telling you how his boss ripped into him earlier in the week and how crappy that made him feel.

If you’re discussing something important, restate the important thing your partner said in your own words so you’re sure you understand. This helps avoid arguments because you’re both clear on the issue at hand.

Use Facetime or Zoom to Stay Connected

Using a video app helps you stay better connected. Being able to see someone’s face helps you put the conversation in the proper context.

It’s much easier to see if he’s joking or playing around versus saying something in a more serious tone if you can see his face.

It also helps make the distance between you float away, at least for a little while.

Have Some Communication Boundaries

This is a good idea for any relationship, near or far.

There is no good reason to be texting someone every minute of every day. You have jobs, hobbies, friendships, and other activities to do throughout the day and having a phone in your hand isn’t necessary.

Aside from that, if you are back and forth all day, it gives you nothing to talk about when you see one another again, whether through technology or in person.

Set some realistic communication boundaries that the two of you can agree upon, and that establish a balance you can both live with.

Build Trust

Don’t Withhold Important Information

Just because you’re in a long-distance relationship, it doesn’t mean you should keep secrets from one another.

Things always come out in the end, and the longer you keep important things hidden, the more hurt is delivered when the truth comes out.

When you first meet someone, it’s easier to build trust, but if that trust is broken, it’s much more challenging to gain that same level of trust back.

Trust is a big issue especially in long-distance relationships, especially if your confidence in relationships is low to begin with. By being honest and open with one another, you avoid jealousy issues and other problems that come with a lack of trust.

Don’t Borrow Trouble

When you live far away from your loved one, it’s so easy to allow your imagination to run wild.

He always texts you before he goes to bed, usually around ten or so, but last night, he didn’t text at all.

So, now you’re wondering if he was out with another woman, or is he injured or sick? Did he just decide to break up with you and not tell you?

Rather than jumping to conclusions and letting your anxiety run amok, check in with him, kindly, and find out what’s going on.

It may be that he and a friend decided to go out for beers and to watch the football game and he got in too late to text. Maybe he got stuck at work late and didn’t get a chance to text because he was so busy.

Ask, don’t assume.

Share Your Life

This one is tricky because you want to include him in your life, but he doesn’t need a minute-by-minute playback.

Still, share what’s going on in your life. Let him celebrate your wins with you and share in your grief over losses. If you learned a new hobby, show him what you made. I guarantee he’ll think it’s awesome, so don’t worry about it being less than perfect.

Include him as if he lived close by and let him be a part of things too. You’ll not only build trust but a deeper level of intimacy because you’re sharing those things.

Build & Maintain an Emotional Connection

Plan Your Time Together

How much time you get to spend together will depend on many factors, including how much distance there is between you and the cost of travel. Driving two hours is much cheaper than a four-hour flight.

Your time apart can be used to generate excitement about the next visit. Sometimes, it’s even fun to prepare a goody box to send ahead of your visit with small gifts or things you know he loves.

These gifts might include things like tickets to see a show together or a menu from a new café you want to check out together.

Your visits don’t need to be filled with out of the house activities, though, so maybe you order a grocery delivery that comes the day you arrive so you can cook something together.

The sky is the limit, but by planning, you create excitement and anticipation for the visit, which helps build that emotional connection!

Maintain a Connection While Apart

Even though you’re apart, you can still do things together. Put together a care package full of his favorites and ship it off. You can even be together when he opens it by planning one of those Zoom or Facetime calls.

Something else you can do to stay connected is watch a concert on YouTube or tune into your favorite music and dance together.

Another favorite is to choose a book to read together and choose times to talk about it as you go along – sort of your own book club, just the two of you.

Remember to Appreciate One Another

While appreciation is a love language, it’s also a great way to remind your partner that you’re grateful to have him in your life.

Everyone likes to be appreciated, so showing your appreciation is a great way to make your partner feel special.

Don’t Overlook the Challenges

Every single relationship has challenges. There is no relationship that is perfect, regardless of distance.

Be Patient with One Another

When one of you is feeling particularly stressed, be patient instead of impatient. By not being able to see one another more often, you’re missing visual cues that your partner might be feeling anxious or stressed in his job.

Instead of being judgmental, try just allowing him time to decompress and work through whatever is bothering him.

If he says he just wants a quick chat instead of a longer talk, let it be. He might need some time to sort through things, and men do that best when they have time to themselves.

He’ll let you know when he’s feeling more like himself.

Ask For His Support When You Need It

If you need him to be patient with you while you work your way through something, ask him. He’ll understand. Additionally, if you need help with something, ask him. Just because there’s physical distance between you doesn’t mean that you need to put emotional distance there as well.

Let him know what you’re struggling with. Men love to help solve problems; it’s a way of showing their love.

Practice a Little Mindfulness

When all else fails, a journal is a great tool. Sometimes, when you write, you’re surprised by the things that come out.

Journaling is a great way to sort out your feelings and help you make sense of what’s going on around you.

Life in the moment. Try some meditation. Slow down and just let yourself exist in that one moment.

Maintain Your ‘Regular’ Life

It’s very common to shut out your friends and quit hobbies when you’re in a relationship, but this is a big mistake.

Maintain Your Outside Friendships

Maintain your friendships and spend time with your friends. Keep going to girls’ night. Do those Yoga classes. Keep working on your hobbies.

You were doing those things when you met your partner, so why would you stop, especially since you have plenty of time.

Get Into a Routine

Routines are great for keeping life in order. By having a routine, you build in the time you need to get your work done while still spending time with those friends and working on those habits.

It helps you stay focused on the things that are truly important!

Remember Why You’re in the Relationship

Sometimes, it can be difficult to remember why you chose to have a long-distance relationship. You’re tired and frustrated and you haven’t seen your guy in a while. You might be wondering what’s the point?

Sit down and remember why this guy is special to you. Why is he worth the travel? What makes him the guy you want to spend time with?

Resolve Your Issues ASAP

This goes back to the communication piece, so I’m not going to spend a lot of time here.

Instead of sweeping problems under the rug, be honest and open with your partner. Talk things out, rather than ignore them.

Also, adopt a mentality that you can forgive and move on. Forgiveness helps the wounds heal and keeps us from becoming bitter.

It also enables you to just fight one problem at a time. If you don’t forgive things, they just work their way back into new arguments.

Wrap Up

Every relationship has problems. Every one. If someone tells you their relationship is perfect, they’re lying to you.

It isn’t the fact that you have problems, it’s how you go about solving those problems that matters.

If you remain open and honest with one another and commit to spending time together, even when you’re apart, you’ll find yourselves in a happy relationship, rather than a floundering one.

Maintain outside friendships, hobbies, and activities and continue to be the woman he fell for in the first place.

Give one another grace and make sure to show one another that you appreciate each other.

Those things will help you build a great relationship, regardless of distance!

There are many reasons why couples fight and most of them can be fixed if you understand how to stop fighting in a relationship.

Today, I want to walk you through some of the underlying reasons you and your partner are fighting, and then together, we can look at how to stop.

Why do Couples Fight?

The truth is that each and every one of us is uniquely different from everyone else. Even twins aren’t exactly the same. We each come into the world with our own talents, challenges, and desires.

This means you’ll never find someone who’s exactly like you, and how boring would it be if you did?

The alternative, however, is that you’re with someone who’s different than you, and that’s okay. This helps you grow and develop as an individual and see the world from a new perspective.

Still, sometimes these differences, as well as other factors, can be too challenging to overcome and the result is fighting. Lots of fighting.

Because We’re All Different

The first reason is just what we’ve discussed – we’re all different. Before you met your partner, you had your own goals, likes, dislikes, preferences, dreams, needs, and personalities.

But something drew you to one another. Something clicked. Those differences fell away, if seemingly temporarily, and you fell in love with one another, despite the differences.

Daily Life Disagreements

Some couples fight over the things that come up frequently, like money, sex, chores, raising the kids, and family issues or external conflicts.

Many times, these types of disagreements are rooted in poor communication and can be solved through more open and honest communication.

For other couples, the disagreements occur because of how you learned to manage those tasks. You may have come from a family who valued paying your bills on time, while your partner’s family barely scraped by and struggled with money.

By communicating and working together, you can usually come to a resolution that fits both of your value systems and needs.

Different Values and Goals

This is truly one of those things you should sort out before you get this far into a relationship. It isn’t a first date conversation, but it is a conversation you should have as your relationship deepens.

Getting together with someone who wants to travel while you want to have kids is going to create some pretty good friction.

Still, if you’re this deep into your relationship, there are things you can do to work on those disagreements. For example, if your partner wants to travel more, but you now have a child or two, you can either schedule some mini vacations for the two of you, or some family vacations. You can always bring along a babysitter, like Grandma or a favorite aunt to give the two of you some time alone.

Being Too Individually Focused

Sometimes it happens that one partner becomes very focused on him or herself. Maybe your boss has promised you a promotion if you do a great job on your next project, but that means learning some new things and really focusing on your job.

For others, it may be more cosmetic. Sometimes, a partner gets focused on working out to the point of spending hours upon hours at the gym. While the focus on health is good, the time away from the relationship will cause problems.

If you notice yourself being too focused on what’s going on just in your life or on a life goal, step back a bit and bring your partner into the fold.

It’s possible to engage him in your interests or you can pull back a little and find some time to spend with him doing something you both enjoy.

Power and Control Issues

There’s no relationship more challenging than a relationship between two alphas. The power struggle is inevitable unless you know how to manage the situation.

And it is manageable.

You can check out more in this article.

Unmet Needs

It can be very scary to put yourself out there in a relationship, even one you’ve been in for a while.

The problem is that then, your needs are most likely not being met. Then, you’re frustrated because he isn’t doing what you wish he would do. But this is mostly because he doesn’t know what you want him to do.

Instead of keeping those things inside, sit down together when you’re both happy and discuss the issue.

Most men in love will work very hard to show their love through actions. Nothing pleases a guy more than doing something for the woman he loves.

He wants to be the guy you want him to be, but he can’t be if he doesn’t know what that means, to you.

A Serious Breakdown in Communications

The truth is that if you can’t enjoy open and honest communication with your partner, nothing else matters. Most of the issues you’re reading about here today can be resolved, at least in part, with better communication.

And communication isn’t just speaking, it’s listening. In fact, the most important aspect of communicating is listening.

But you cannot listen if you aren’t hearing him. What I mean by this is if you’re so wrapped up in your own misery, you won’t be able to see or understand his.

You both must force yourselves into seeing the other person’s perspective if you’re to have any hope of resolving your differences. Set aside your own egos long enough to realize that your partner is hurting, and you want to know how to fix it.

How Can You Stop Fighting?

Change How You Communicate

One of the most important things you and your partner can do is recognize that fighting may be the way you communicate and that what you need is a new system of communication. Many people grow up in an environment where every time someone communicates, it’s through yelling.

But when someone yells at you, how do you feel? Attacked? Belittled? Bullied?

And this makes you want to do what? Defend yourself? Crawl into a shell? Fight back?

None of those feelings or responses are healthy ways to communicate with someone you’re supposed to love.

When things are calm and quiet, you can try to approach your partner and discuss all the fighting. Not everything needs to be an argument, but maybe, habitually, it is.

If this starts another argument, simply walk away. Don’t be mean about it.

You know Gregg, I wanted to calmly discuss this with you, but this doesn’t seem like a good time. When you feel like you can calmly discuss this with me, let me know.

Sometimes, just calling someone out on their behavior wakes them up to it. He might not realize he wasn’t being calm to begin with.

On the other hand, if his behavior makes you feel unsafe, it may be time to get out of the relationship. More on that later.

Give Active Listening a Try

People think that communication is all about talking, but it may be more about listening. Everyone wants to be heard, and often, we yell because we don’t think we’re being heard.

That yelling may not come in the form of vocal expression. It might be a lot of tattoos or dying your hair Christmas red – things to bring attention to yourself.

Or it might be through yelling.

Active listening involves not just hearing someone else’s words but noticing their body language too.

For example, arms folded over your chest is known as closed body language. It means you aren’t really receptive to the conversation. Looking down or away may signal shame or a lack of interest in the conversation.

But listening also involves shutting down your own brain while the other person is speaking. Someone who lacks confidence will interrupt the speaker, formulate their own, better response while the other person is listening, or maybe just check out completely.

Instead, invest in what the speaker is saying. Truly hear the words, not how they relate to you, but how they relate to the speaker.

Save thinking up your own response for after the speaker has finished. By the time they’re done, if you’re really listening, you might say something different than what you were planning in the middle of their statement.

Pause Before Speaking

Once the speaker has stopped talking, take a moment to reflect on what was said. This is especially important if you’re in the middle of a disagreement.

Once you’ve reflected for a moment, repeat back what you think you heard.

Gregg, it feels like you just said that you want to spend more quality time together as a couple, rather than with friends all the time. Is that right?

It might feel childish, but many misunderstandings begin right there – not fully getting what the speaker just said to you.

Regardless of how well you try to listen, we tend to inject our own experiences into what other people say. By repeating it back, you can make sure that what you understand is what was said.

He may say, Yes, I enjoy our friends, but I feel like we don’t have enough time alone together. I’d like to fix that.

Now you have something to work with.

See the Situation Through Someone Else’s Eyes

It’s important to take a moment or two to try to see the situation through the speaker’s perspective.

You’re both coming at your relationship from different places, but nobody likes to change, so everyone can quickly become unhappy if neither of you takes the time to consider the other person’s point of view.

Additionally, some folks may have triggers from their past life that you don’t intend to set off. A random blow up over something that seems innocuous to you may mean you’ve accidentally set off a trigger.

Kate began dating too soon after her divorce and found herself with a few triggers. Out of the blue, her new boyfriend would say something, and she’d just fly off the handle. She always regretted it, but it took a bit of introspection for her to realize what was happening.

Her ex-husband had been emotionally abusive and something her new boyfriend said, not intending to be abusive, struck a nerve.

Once she learned that she had triggers, she was better able to control her reactions. She also took a few moments to explain to her new boyfriend what had happened, asking for his patience and apologizing for her blowup.

Give one another a little grace to overcome past hurts and bad habits. Be willing to listen, truly listen, to what your partner is saying and recognize where they’re coming from.

Acknowledge One Another’s Feelings

Whether you agree with their feelings and emotions or not, acknowledge them.

Many times, people hide their feelings, and this just makes a situation worse. Instead of tiptoeing around one another’s feelings, allow a safe space where you can each share how you’re feeling about any situation that comes up.

If you can’t be honest with one another, you don’t have a very solid foundation for your relationship.

Get to the Real Root of the Problem

Many times, the argument isn’t really about what it seems to be about. There is often a deeper root cause.

To do so, try some of these questions:

• Where is this coming from?
• How long has this been going on?
• Why can’t we see eye-to-eye?
• How can we better understand one another’s point of view?
• How can we move forward from here?

These answers might not come right in the moment, but once you plant the seed and let it sit for a while, the answers will usually come. Once you have a better handle on where it’s coming from, it’s easier to work through it.

Step Away

Sometimes, it’s just time to walk away from the argument. Nothing good comes when emotions are high. In fact, those emotions prevent you from thinking logically, so you’re not going to solve anything anyway.

Stepping away allows you to calm down and take a breath. It also allows a break in the argument, which is necessary.

Additionally, you’re both probably to the point of just wanting to win the argument, regardless of how it impacts the other person. There is no winner if you both walk away – but there’s no loser either. You’re simply waiting until you’re both calmer and can discuss things logically.

Whether you physically walk away or simply retreat into your own mind for a bit, stepping away allows you to regain perspective and go at things from a calmer position.

Figure Out If You Can Move Forward and How to do So

Once you’ve calmly talked things through and done your work, it’s time to determine how you move forward so that you don’t keep rehashing the same old stuff over and over.

Hopefully, you’ve developed an understanding of the root problem, and you can both determine what changes you can make to put this disagreement behind you.

The changes can be big or small, but one thing is for sure. If you change nothing, you’ll be right back here again, sooner than later.

If it looks like your differences are too great to overcome, then your only option is to end the relationship. If you can’t agree to disagree or learn how to resolve your differences, there’s no point in continuing the relationship.

Fight Only About the Current Disagreement

When people argue, they tend to dig up every single previous argument or grievance they’ve ever had with that person.

This isn’t fair. Keep your disagreement about the current problem. If you have other unresolved problems, work them out at another time.

Once a disagreement is settled, you must let it go. Forgive one another and move forward.

Wrapping Up

Whether you separate or stay together, there is at least one thing to be learned from the experience of sorting out your differences.

If you had to split up, you now know what’s important to you in a mate, and you can look for those things, as well as making sure you don’t end up with someone who’s just like the person you just broke up with.

Take some time to become you, out of a relationship, before you jump back into another one. This will help you immensely in choosing your next love interest.

Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you’ll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They’re added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

Some couples in a relationship reach a point at about year seven when they become bored, restless, and dissatisfied, often called the seven year itch. They feel a need for something new, which can put their relationships at risk. This restlessness may come a little before or after seven years. It’s a ballpark number.

How can you overcome the seven-year itch? Today, I’m going to give you some pointers!

But First, Why?

Why do relationships slam into this hiccup? What’s going on in the background to cause this boredom?

First, the relationship has probably gone past that honeymoon phase where everything is glorious and good. That can make things feel like they’re stalling out.

Additionally, life can feel like it’s too routine and scheduled. Every day is the same as the one before. That, combined with the end of the honeymoon phase can make the relationship feel very boring.

Now, one or both of you are doubting the relationship, wondering if you need a change. As you transition into doubting whether the two of you are compatible, it may feel like the one constant – the marriage – feels itchy.

Next, you’re scrutinizing the marriage, reviewing it with a big old magnifying glass and little things suddenly feel very big.

What Does the Seven Year Itch Look Like in a Relationship?

There are a few clear signs that your relationship might be approaching the seven year itch:

• Poor communication
• Lack of physical or emotional intimacy
• Increased conflict – arguing, hurtful words, criticism
• Secret-keeping
• A lack of meaningful time together
• Feeling unappreciated
• Lack of trust
• Fantasizing about finding a girl/boyfriend
• A general feeling of dissatisfaction

How to Overcome the Seven Year Itch

Use Honest Communication

Great communication is the essence of any great relationship. This is not up for debate. It’s a fact!

That makes your number one tool for overcoming the seven-year itch to make sure you keep communicating with one another. Rather than internalizing these feelings of boredom, express them with your partner. It’s possible that he’s feeling the same way.

Be honest about how you’re feeling. It isn’t a judgement on him, or you. It’s just how you feel.

Rather than arguing, work on finding things you can do together that will stoke the fire and add some excitement to your lives.

Be willing to listen to your partner and brainstorm together how to overcome this roadblock.

Add a Little Spark!

Remember when you were first dating, and the spark was alive? That’s what has flittered out a little, so it’s time to reignite it. But how?

It’s easy when a relationship is new to enjoy that spark. You’re always learning new things and doing new things together.

You haven’t lost that, it’s just been shoved in the closet, and it’s time to drag it out!

Plan a surprise for your partner – cook his favorite dinner or go to his favorite restaurant. Maybe you surprise him with something from when you were first dating, like repeating a fun date or going to the place where you enjoyed your first date.

You can also plan an adventure together, like a hiking trip in a new location, trying something new together, or taking a trip to a destination you’ve both been wanting to visit.

Squash the Seven Year Itch with Time Together

By the seven-year mark, some couples have children together and life has gotten a little busy. If not children, careers can push you into a place where there’s less time for each other because careers have taken a front seat, making the seven year itch a greater possibility.

It’s time to schedule time to be together. Many couples, when planning their weekly or monthly schedules, automatically ink in a date night or two.

Notice I said ink, not pencil.

This makes that time together a priority. It’s a kid-free, tech-free time when you get together and regroup as a couple. Maybe you talk about that trip you want to take or other things going on in your relationship.

*Note* this isn’t a time for arguing or discussing antagonistic topics.

Evaluate Your Assumptions

When your feelings about your relationship are negative, you can get caught up in your own head and fail to recognize the feelings of your partner.

Instead of asking him what he’s thinking or feeling, you assume, and usually incorrectly. This is often your own anxiety over the situation taking over.

By the same token, don’t expect him to know or understand what you’re thinking or feeling.

Open and honest communication is key. You can’t be afraid to say what you’re feeling or to ask him what he’s feeling. You might not like the answer, but then again, the solution may be hiding behind unspoken words!

Spend More Time Together

I think that a great way for couples to be closer to one another is to find a hobby to share or combine a hobby you each have into a new hobby.

For example, if your guy is into cars and you’re into photography, you can go to car shows and take great photos. If he’s into gardening and you love to write, start a gardening blog where you share tips and advice. Perhaps one of you loves to cook and the other enjoys creating beautiful tablescapes. Have parties and invite friends over to enjoy the cooking and the visuals.

The point is to share an interest in something and spend time together pursuing that interest. It could be travel, gardening, cooking, building things, working on cars, or a host of other activities.

Appreciate One Another

This is an often-overlooked thing in many relationships. We get so caught up in life that we forget to say thank you, even for the smallest things.

And yet, those two words can mean so much. It can be the lift you need at the end of a busy day; or it can be a bright star in an otherwise crappy day.

For some people, appreciation is their love language, which means it’s even more important to them.

Re-Evaluate Your Friendships

Do you have a circle of friends (couples) who are in healthy or toxic relationships? If your friends are all in the midst of breakups or miserable relationships, it can naturally bleed into yours as well.

Make sure that the people you’re hanging with, whether as a couple or individually, are positive and upbeat people who lift you up, instead of bringing you down. This doesn’t mean you abandon friends who are going through something tough, but guard yourself against getting sucked into the I’m so miserable mantra.

Try Counseling

Sometimes, the rut is too deep and it’s best to seek professional counseling. Couples’ counselors are trained to manage these very situations, and they can help you iron out the difficulties.

They know just what to look for, which questions to ask, and how to help you work your way out of that deep rut.

What Not to Do When the Going Gets Tough

Just as there are things to do to help your relationship during the seven year itch, there are things you shouldn’t do.

Avoid Seeking Comfort in the Wrong Places

While that guy your best friend just dumped is handsome and all, avoid seeking comfort through him. In fact, unless it’s your gay best friend, avoid seeking comfort or advice from any guy – other than me, of course.

Sharing the negative details of your relationship might place you in a more intimate situation than you originally intended and could lead to something you’ll regret later.

Avoid Drugs and Alcohol

Seeking solace from alcohol or a mood-altering drug isn’t a permanent fix and will only lead to trouble later.

If you’re a recovering addict, reach out to your sponsor or a counselor and get the guidance you need to move past the cravings.

If you aren’t a recovering addict, the pull can still be very strong, but mood altering drugs aren’t the answer and they won’t make you brave enough to have that conversation you need to have.

Avoid a Shopping Spree

While there’s no disputing that a shopping spree often feels good at the time, you can soon have buyer’s remorse and then, instead of feeling great, you feel even worse.

All a shopping spree does is lift some hormones for a while, but once the spree is over and the hormones are gone, the same problems still exist, except now you’ve spent money you probably shouldn’t have spent.

Don’t Change Jobs or Careers

When you’re experiencing a disruption in your relationship, it’s a bad time to disrupt another part of your life too.

The truth of the matter is that your generalized unhappiness is stemming from something other than your career, so get your relationship in order first, then tackle the job situation.

If such a decision is really imperative, discuss it with your partner, don’t just make a blanket decision, assuming that the relationship is nearly over anyway, so what the heck…

Don’t Retreat Further into Yourself

While it might feel like a way to feel safer, it’s no way to solve the relationship issues you’re experiencing. Instead, be open and honest with your partner about how you’re feeling. The only way to solve this is to go straight through it, not to retreat away from it.

How Do You Know if it’s Really Over?

Sometimes, the damage is done and there’s just no clear way through the problems you’re battling. But how do you know?

You’re Experiencing Domestic Abuse

Not all abuse is physical. Some is emotional.

Gaslighting is an example of emotional abuse. When someone is gaslighting you, they’re trying to force you to believe a reality that isn’t actually real. For example, someone may convince you that you’re not competent enough to manage your finances, just so they can steal from you.

Of course, physical abuse is just that. Someone is physically hurting you, possibly making you believe you’re a terrible person who deserves it.

As difficult as it is to leave a situation like this, you must. There are professional people and organizations available to help you safely leave this type of relationship. Check your local area for resources if you need them.

When Counseling Doesn’t Help

A counselor will advise you if your relationship can or cannot be saved. Their effort will be to save it, but there also comes a time when the reality is that something cannot be saved.

By seeking counseling first, you know you’ve tried everything possible to save the relationship before ending it.

Additionally, I have an article that will help you identify signs that a relationship is over.

Wrapping Up How to Overcome the Seven Year Itch

Not all relationships hit this roadblock, but some do, and if your relationship is one, then using better communication, trying to spark things up, and focusing more on spending time with one another will help you get back on track.

Too often in our society today, couples are too quick to give up on one another, leaving yet another broken relationship to heal from in their wake. By shifting your focus from your boredom and unhappiness to doing things together and making one another happy, you have a better chance of soothing that itch and moving on together!

Breakups are very hard on people, generally speaking. But worse yet, at least according to some, is what’s called relationship churning.

This is when you break up, then get back together. Then you break up and get back together, and you continue in that cycle until what’s usually an inevitable break.

I thought today, I’d look into this question – is getting back with an ex after years even possible? And beyond that, is it a good idea?

Is Getting Back with an Ex After Years Even Possible?

To answer this question, let’s look at some statistics first, because by possible, I mean – is it feasible – will it work?

Psychology calls a relationship where you break up and get back together – once – as ‘on again’ relationships, so we’ll use their language.

The statistics I found multiple times tell me that about 40-50% of couples who break up will get back together at some point, but there a few factors involved, such as the reason for the breakup, and the reunion, and the amount of effort you’re willing to put into the reconciliation.

The bad news is that roughly 70% of the couples who reunite will not stay together.

So, if we use a nice round number like 100, we can assume that maybe 50 will get back together, but of those 50 couples who get back together, only 15 of them will remain together.

Basically, you have a 15% chance of your reconciliation working.

Still, I’m not here to discourage you. I’d rather help you gain the best chance of getting back together, if that’s what you want.

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Why Relationship Churning Never Works

Relationship churning is when you and a partner break up and make up in a continuous cycle. It’s an on-again, off-again cycle that continues over time.

There are many negative effects of relationship churning, as well as one big reason why it doesn’t work.

Why Relationship Churning Doesn’t Work

You break up with someone, and then two weeks later, maybe less, you’re back together. Everything is glorious for about a week, and then you break up again, and so goes the cycle.

The reason the reconciliations aren’t working is because you aren’t changing anything.

When you break up, the relationship was broken somewhere. By simply getting back together shortly after, you aren’t acknowledging, let alone fixing anything that went wrong.

Instead, you’re just repeating a cycle with the exact same two people.

I’ll talk more in a bit about how to make a reconciliation work. For now, know that this never works and it’s because nothing has changed. The problem wasn’t addressed or fixed and neither of you made any changes in yourselves either.

Negative Impacts of Relationship Churning

How can it be bad for you to break up with someone and get back together, repeatedly?

Breakups are Emotionally Difficult

There is a lot of psychological distress that comes with a breakup. A lot of this depends on how nicely you break up.

But I ask you, when was the last time you experienced a breakup where you both kindly sat down and said, “Hey. I’ve screwed up and I think I need to leave you so you can find someone better. It’s all me, Babe and I’m sorry.”

Ya. Sometime just past never, right?

People allow all of their hurt and pain to bubble up and explode out of their mouths during a breakup. Each partner blames the other for all of the things that went wrong, and it can become a truly ugly scene.

Then, you go back to your corners and internalize everything the other person said:

• He’s right, I am selfish
• I know I need to lose weight; he was right to call me fat
• He sees right through me – I am difficult to live with

Now, your self image has declined.

And then, you get back together. But those thoughts don’t magically leave because you got back together. They simmer, just below the surface, haunting your thoughts and causing your self-esteem to decline more and more.

Then, you break up again and new ugly words were said, plus some of the old favorites and those are internalized too.

It’s an ugly cycle that does nothing for your self-esteem except damage it.

Relationship Churning May be a Sign of a Commitment Issue

There may be deeper issues at play when someone is relationship churning. The churn may be one-sided. He breaks up with you, then he comes crying back, just when you feel like you’re ready to move on. He begs you to come back, so you do, because those old feelings are still stirring.

Then he blindsides you again, breaking up. And so goes the cycle.

What could be happening is that he fears commitment. He might want to be in a relationship, but when the idea of a long-term commitment gets real, his fear overrides any sense of love that he has. He bolts and runs.

Then, he has regrets and the cycle continues.

Meanwhile, he may be blaming this on you as well, so the psychological distress from above is also happening.

You May Commit Less to the Reconciliations

After a couple of these on-again, off-again cycles, you may find yourself guarded. This is likely to lead you to be more cautious, giving less of yourself – waiting for the relationship to end again.

If you aren’t as emotionally invested, you can’t get hurt, right? So, you commit to the reconciliation a little less. Of course, this doesn’t help it move forward, and the ending you’re waiting for inevitably happens.

You’re Unhappy in the Relationship

If you’re honest with yourself in this type of relationship, you realize that you aren’t as happy. All of the impacts we’re talking about are testimony to why.

People who are in these types of relationships report less relationship satisfaction, so why do they do it?

Sadly, I fear that many times, it’s because they fear nobody else will want them. This comes from the low self-esteem and low self-worth that’s happening each time there’s a breakup.

The Relationship Suffers from Poor Communication

Imagine you’re with this person you just broke up with, but you took him back. While you were apart, you know that he was saying ugly things to his friends about you.

Why would you bear your soul to someone who will just use what you say as ammo against you next time?

Additionally, if you had great communication to begin with, you wouldn’t be caught in this cycle because you’d be able to discuss your problems calmly and come to a resolution.

And lastly, poor communication includes a lack of listening. The ugly arguments that may be happening probably include shouting, and if you’re shouting, you aren’t listening.

It’s Extremely Hard on the Children

This is not fair to do to children, whether the two of you share kids or you each have your own.

When children meet partners of their parents, they either love or hate them. When they love the partner, then lose that person in their lives, it’s a devastating loss and brings a feeling of abandonment.

To repeat this cycle over and over teaches kids not to become attached to people because they don’t stay in your life.

These kids will have attachment issues later in life.

How Can You Work to Make Your Reconciliation Last?

There are things you can do to make sure that if you decide to get back with an ex, you have the best chance of success.

Make Sure You’re a Confident Woman with High Self-Esteem

In order to avoid many relationship problems, like jealousy, it’s important that you’re a confident woman.

Confidence is sexy for sure, but having confidence in your relationship is also like putting on armor against the dumb stuff that breaks people up.

No Boundaries

For example, without confidence, you may have difficulty establishing and maintaining boundaries. One way this presents itself is in having sex too soon with someone new, and yes, this includes someone you’re getting back together with.

Boundaries are things confident people put in place to protect themselves from other people’s negative behavior. You should be not allowing a man to have sex with you until he’s proven himself worthy of you. That’s not a first, second, or even fifth date thing.

Another boundary may be in how you’re treated. It’s perfectly reasonable to have a boundary that a man won’t put his hands on you in violence. The very minute he does, BAM, he’s gone, and you don’t take him back. That’s a boundary.

When you lack confidence, boundaries scare you. If you refuse to have sex with a guy on the first date, you fear he won’t come back, and maybe he won’t. What you fail to understand is that if he leaves because of that, it’s all he really wanted in the first place. He wasn’t looking for anything other than getting laid.

You Aren’t Yourself

When you lack confidence and self-esteem, you aren’t yourself around others. Instead, you’re who you think they want you to be. You might be really upbeat and chipper around your friends, but when you get home and shed that persona, you’re depressed and discouraged.

Nobody sees the real you.

And we do it in relationships too. Maybe you met this guy online, or you’ve prowled on his social media account before your first date. You know he’s outdoorsy, but you aren’t, so you pretend to be.

In fact, you pretend to the point of agreeing to go with him on some outdoor adventure, like kayaking or a hike through the woods.

And you’re both terrified and dreading the experience. You aren’t outdoorsy. You hate bugs and don’t like being outside.

So, you go on the adventure, or worse, you cancel at the last minute when the fear takes over.

A confident woman doesn’t pretend to be someone she isn’t, and she doesn’t allow fear to stop her from doing things that may be scary. Sure, this confident woman may not be outdoorsy, but she’s willing to try it once, knowing that, at the very least, it’s an experience she can add to her story.

You’re Overly Sensitive

It’s fine to be sensitive. What isn’t okay is to be so sensitive that whenever anyone says anything even remotely negative to you, you fall to pieces, feeling rejected and hurt.

This hurt and rejection might cause you to snap at your partner, even if he wasn’t the one to hurt you originally. This pain cuts deep and the only way you feel like you can deal with it is to lash out.

You Don’t Communicate Your Needs

Someone with low confidence and low self-esteem isn’t going to communicate their needs for fear of rejection.

You wouldn’t dream of asking him for a favor, or to do something differently. Perhaps you need to take your mother to an appointment, but this conflicts with something else you needed to do. With confidence, you could ask your partner to help you resolve the timing conflict by doing something for you. Without confidence, you’ll never ask.

Poor communication damages relationships in a multitude of ways. Each partner may feel a sense of loneliness and resentment, partly because of needs going unmet, and in part because they don’t have someone to truly talk to.

With good communication and confidence, you aren’t afraid to share your vulnerabilities. You’re willing to talk about your needs and ask to have them met.

Jealousy and Insecurity Rear Their Ugly Heads

When you have low confidence and self-esteem, you don’t believe you are capable of and deserve a good relationship.

You may have a history of abandonment from your childhood, or a string of breakups, either of which will leave you always waiting for someone else to leave.

What happens next is that any time your guy even glances in the direction of another woman, you’re jealous.

What does she have that I don’t?

Probably nothing.

I knew a woman whose boyfriend battled this type of insecurity. She would go to get ice cream or coffee with a friend, and he would drive by to check and see if that’s really where she said she was.

She ended the relationship because of his insecurity. Nobody wants to be on the other side of jealousy and insecurity. It stinks.

But you can’t help yourself. The person feeling these insecurities is so fearful of losing another relationship that they pretty much guarantee an ending by their jealous behavior.

Don’t See it as a Continuation of the Old Relationship

If you reconcile with someone, whether it’s after two weeks or two years, it’s important to realize that this is a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one.

The old relationship was broken. Why would you want to continue it?

No. You don’t.

What you want to do instead is build a new relationship, based on who you are now. Since we’re talking about a reconciliation that occurs after years, there is a strong possibility that you are both very different people.

You need to get reacquainted with one another. Sure, you’ve seen his social media posts and you know what he’s been up to, but you still need to get to know who he is today.

And that’s what dating is for.

I don’t recommend that you do these things too soon:

• Move in together
• Have sex
• Start talking about marriage

Those are things that this new relationship is not yet ready for. You may decide to date one another again and determine that the new versions of both of you don’t mix so well after all, and that’s okay.

Again. That’s what dating is for – to see if you fit.

If you go into this with expectations of marriage and children, you may be disappointed. Instead, date. Go out and do things you enjoy. Go hiking, bowling, to a movie, or whatever it is you enjoy doing together.

Spend time getting to know these new versions of each other.

Most importantly, take your time. Going too quickly or having expectations that are too high will only result in things going badly. Be patient. If it’s meant to be, it’ll come along.

Make Sure You Know Why the Original Relationship Ended

Even if your relationship ended years ago, know the why. What happened that drove the two of you apart.

This might take some soul searching, and that’s ok. The important thing is to recognize where things derailed so you can determine if those same problems still exist.

With confidence, you can eliminate a lot of problems – from your side of the equation. But what about your ex? Has he changed? Is he more confident? Do you think the problems of before will become problems again?

If you don’t examine this now, even if you’ve both changed for the better, your new relationship will have problems. You need to figure out what happened so you can avoid those mistakes in the future.

Be Sure About Your Reasons for Wanting to Get Back Together

There are reasons that aren’t good ones when it comes to getting back together.

One is for the kids.

Please don’t do this to children. The most difficult time for kids whose parents are divorced or separated isn’t after the separation occurs but before, when all of the tension and arguing is going on. That is what stresses the kids out.

Don’t put them through that again. Please.

Another is just plain loneliness. It’s okay to be alone. In fact, when you’re alone, it’s a great time to work on that confidence.

But you may miss having someone in your life.

Don’t get back together with someone just to avoid feeling alone. It simply isn’t a good enough reason.

Still another reason not to get back together is because you feel badly that you broke up and hurt someone’s feelings.

This is all good and well, but an apology can accomplish the same thing without sending you into another disaster.

Why are You Still Drawn to Your Ex?

Why is it that you want your ex back so badly after so much time has passed?

A study conducted in 2025, so a really new one, tells us that it takes as long as 4.18 years to reach the halfway point in dissolving your emotional bond to your ex. In other words, four years from a breakup, you still feel an emotional attachment to him.

Isn’t that something?!

One factor in how long it takes to break the emotional bond is whether you remain in contact. People who share children will likely remain in contact. You see him changing. He sees you changing.

I know a couple who broke up just after their third child was born. The little girl is now seven and her daddy desperately wants to reunite with her mother.

But Mom isn’t interested. He argues that he’s changed, and he has. But so has she. She became incredibly independent, and while she struggles financially, she likes her independence.

The study did show that parents who share children often break their emotional bond sooner than those who don’t have children. I find that surprising, but you can’t deny that the study showed this.

The last factor that impacted how long the bond remained was anxiety. Those who experience higher levels of anxiety held onto their emotional bond longer.

Wrapping Up Getting Back with an Ex After Years

I can’t guess what has you considering a reconciliation, but what I do know is that the process can be long and will require quite some effort.

I’m not saying that to deter you, but to give you a realistic view of whether this is possible.

Remember that to be the most successful in your reconciliation:

• At least one of you needs to change, preferably both
• Go slowly
• Treat this as a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one
• You can’t pick up where you left off…the only starting point is at the beginning
• Get to know the new version of him and let him get to know this new version of you
• Know what went wrong in the last relationship, but not so you can blame one another – so you know what may need to be fixed
• Avoid relationship churning at all costs – it won’t get you anywhere!

If you decide to try to renew an old relationship, then I wish you the very best of luck! Just be sure to position yourself for success before you start.

The first confidence building book for women and a best-seller, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes will prepare you to meet great men and enjoy a happy and fulfilling life. And not just any life, but a life you design for yourself. YOUR life your way! 

Are you ready to start planning that great life? Click below to get started today! There’s no time like now to live your life on your terms!

You want to trust him, really you do, but the relationship trust issues between you feel insurmountable. How can you overcome this and build a bright and wonderful relationship? Let’s find out!

Why Trust is So Important

Before we get into the how, I always like to dig into the why. Why is trust such an important piece of a great relationship?

There are two sides to trust in a relationship. The first is you, your behavior and any issues you may bring to the table. The second is your partner and his behaviors, added to whatever residual issues he might bring along.

Trust Forms a Solid Foundation

As children, we trust our parents to provide for our needs, both physical and emotional. We also trust them to have our backs, guide us through life, and help us safely learn some of those difficult lessons life teaches.

But sometimes kids have parents who fail in their task. They don’t provide – maybe even aren’t present in the child’s life at all. The trust a child should inherently have in someone who supposedly loves them is eroded and the child quickly learns that people can’t be trusted.

That relationship never feels like it’s on solid ground. You never know what’s coming at you next or who, if anyone, will have your back. A bully chases after you at school, but you know nobody at home cares, so you fight back instead. In fact, you may find that you’re always fighting back, even when it seems unnecessary.

Relationship trust issues erode any sense of safety you wish to feel. Instead of feeling like your partner is someone you can share everything with, you feel you can’t share anything with him. Will he make fun of you? Is he likely to go off and tell someone who may want to retaliate?

But relationship trust issues also cause you to be in a continuous state of worry. Is he cheating on me? Did he put money into our bank account, or did he drink it all away? What kind of mood will he be in when he gets home? Should I find somewhere else to be or brave it? Some trust issues are warranted.

With trust, you can share your vulnerabilities and fragilities. You build intimacy in those moments. You feel safe and comforted knowing your partner will stand up for you no matter what!

Your Communication is Better

Poor communication is a relationship killer, and a big part of poor communication is relationship trust issues.

Why would you communicate honestly with someone you don’t trust? It’s like telling the biggest gossip in town your most valuable secrets, then being surprised when everyone knows in three days.

In relationships with good communication, trust is also present. You feel comfortable speaking freely because you know your partner is listening. It’s easier to be open and honest with him since you know he won’t immediately be judgmental.

Imagine being able to share your deepest fears with your partner, and instead of judgment, you know that he will wrap his warm arms around you, figuratively or literally, and comfort you. You know that he will help you overcome those fears, not make fun of you for them.

You Can Forgive and Forget

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts I think there is for humans. People think that if they forgive someone, they make whatever happened okay.

That isn’t what forgiveness is about.

When you hold onto anger, the cliché is that you’re allowing them to live rent free in your head. The anger follows you around like a lost puppy, always nagging, always present.

When you forgive someone, including yourself, you aren’t saying that what happened is okay. You’re saying that you aren’t going to allow what happened to overtake your life. You’re willing to let it go and move forward.

The benefits of forgiveness can’t be ignored:

• Reduced stress and anxiety
• Feeling less depressed
• Higher self-esteem
• An increased sense of optimism
• Improved communication
• The ability to form stronger bonds
• Resilience
• The ability to feel empathy and compassion
• Being able to move forward
• Increased heart health
• Lower blood pressure
• Healthier immune system

WOW! That’s a lot of great benefits to forgiveness. Conversely, when you can’t forgive, or refuse to forgive, you may experience:

• Being stuck in the past
• Higher stress and anxiety
• Unhealthy relationships
• Trust issues
• Weakened immune system
• Higher blood pressure and poor heart health

Personally, I’d prefer the benefits of forgiveness. The great thing is that you don’t need to tell the person who hurt you that you forgive them. Write them a letter of forgiveness, then burn it or shred it.

Forgiveness is for you, not someone else. It’s giving yourself permission to let go of the hurt and boot that person out of your headspace.

Improved Health

You just read how forgiveness improves your health. When you carry around stress and anxiety for any reason, your body is in a constant state of fight or flight and the hormones associated with that are continuously flowing through your body.

They do physical damage to your heart and immune system with prolonged exposure.

By solving relationship trust issues, you reduce the stress in your relationship and allow that fight or flight mode to subside. You feel calmer in general, in addition to feeling supported and secure.

Studies show that people who are in trusting relationships enjoy better physical and emotional health.

Your Relationship Withstands Difficult Tests

Every relationship is tested from time to time, whether it’s the challenge of new stages of life, life-changing accidents, or even illnesses. How well you overcome those challenges speaks to whether there are relationship trust issues between you.

I know a young family with four children who all just found out that the father of the family has incurable cancer and less than six months to live.

Without trust between Joseph and Amy, it would be difficult for him to feel safe and secure in his present state. He must put all of his trust in his wife, not just for his own care, but for the care of their four young children.

This is, by far, the most difficult test any relationship faces, and unfortunately, the end result of the test is death for Joseph. But Joseph can rest in peace knowing that his children will be well cared for by their mother. He can navigate each day of his disease knowing that she is providing the best care for him that she’s capable of.

Many other relationship tests aren’t so dramatic, and yet, they may still test the foundation of your relationship. Good people make mistakes, and those mistakes can really test you, and may even cause those relationship trust issues.

That’s why it’s so important to keep open lines of communication and be wiling to forgive. It helps keep those trust issues from eroding completely.

How do You Know if You Have Trust Issues?

Trust is most simply defined as believing that the other person in the relationship is honest and reliable. You know you can depend on him no matter what because he makes you feel safe and secure.

But if there are trust issues, you might experience or feel some of these things.

You Always Assume the Worst

Relationship trust issues force you to always be on the defensive. He got home an hour late. Was he with another woman? Was he out drinking when he said he would stop?

Your partner may not have ever done those things before, but your trust issues have you questioning everything and assuming the worst.

It also shows up in waiting to see what someone wants from you if you ask something of them. You ask a friend to pick up your child at school because you have an appointment, then you just wait for her to ask something of you.

Your Suspicious of His Intentions

Hey Babe, let’s get out of here this weekend. Let’s go to the beach and just chill. Your mind immediately goes to why? Why is he trying to run away? What’s going to happen at home this weekend that makes him want to leave?

Or maybe he brings you a dozen red roses after work one day, just for the heck of it. Instead of feeling grateful, your mind wanders to what did he do wrong? Why is he trying to butter me up now?

It might be that he just wants to spend quality time with you at the beach, or maybe he just felt like showing you with roses that he cares for you. By reading more into it than was there, you’re setting yourself up for a fight that doesn’t need to happen.

You Sabotage the Relationship

This happens so often, and it makes me so sad. You’ve been burned so many times by people from your past that you can’t now see how this guy will be any different.

In fact, you probably have a marker in a relationship, usually some set timeframe – three months, six months – when you just know he’s gonna end it any time now.

Instead of waiting for him to end it, you start picking fights and forcing the issue.

Unfortunately, the truth may be that was really into you until you started sabotaging the relationship. Now, though, he does just what you always expected him to do – he leaves. But he isn’t leaving for the reasons you imagine. He’s leaving the Crazytown your relationship became.

You Distance Yourself from Him

Getting too close to someone might make you feel really edgy. You’ve felt this way in the past and gotten burned every time, or what feels like every time anyway.

Rather than allow your vulnerabilities to show through, you hide everything you’re feeling. You keep a brick wall up between you so you feel safer.

Unfortunately, that brick wall, while invisible, is still very strong and instead of lowering the wall, it’s getting taller and taller with each piece of you that you withhold.

The distance you’re keeping helps you feel less edgy and fearful. The hurt you’ve experienced in the past is less likely to creep in if you keep to yourself and don’t let anyone in – at least not really in.

You Focus on What Will go Wrong

Instead of looking for things to go well, you always see the negative side of something. Negativity becomes your main state of being.

You want to buy a house together? What if one of you loses your job? What if a tornado or hurricane blows it off of the map?

You want to go on vacation together? What if you miss your flight? Worse yet, what if the plane crashes?

The scenarios you build with your anxiety are usually far-fetched but feel very possible and real.

It’s very difficult to be around someone who’s always a doomsdayer. It’s tedious. Nobody wants their relationship to be described as tedious!

What Causes Relationship Trust Issues?

Sometimes, relationship trust issues stem from something deep in your past. Other times, they arise out of your partner’s behavior or his own trust issues. Let’s examine where relationship trust issues might come from.

A Betrayal

This one is tricky because it might be that this partner betrayed you, or it could be that someone from your past has betrayed you.

If it’s this partner, you might be able to work with a couples’ therapist to rebuild your trust issues. It’s not likely something you can do on your own as the hurt may still be too fresh.

If it’s past relationship betrayals, it’s time to stop lumping all men into one cheater category. Let this new guy be himself. Instead of automatically assuming he isn’t trustworthy, allow him to earn your trust by showing up when he says he will and doing other things that can build your trust in him.

In either instance, you must move past the feeling of mistrust that you own. I know how the cliché goes – fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But let him prove to you that he’s either not a guy from your past or not the same guy who betrayed you previously.

Your Parents

If you experienced a poor relationship between your parents, it may cause you to have your own relationship trust issues now. If your father cheated or your mother was always spending money your family didn’t have, it likely caused arguments centered around trust.

Growing up with that as your relationship model will cause you to have relationship trust issues by default.

Experiencing Rejection as a Child

Kids are mean and some kids are always rejected by their peers.

I know a young lady, now twelve years old, who has severe anxiety. Among other disorders, she has misophonia, which means that repetitive or loud noises make her feel very anxious. She also has social anxiety.

Unfortunately for this young lady, she has a twin sister who is her polar opposite. The twin is socially active, athletic, and not afraid of anything. It’s very difficult to experience your own anxiety while watching those around you act as if they don’t feel it too.

The truth is that both girls have anxiety and fear but show it in different ways. The social twin fears social isolation so she’s gregarious, almost to a point of being fake about it. The twin with anxiety experiences social isolation due to her high level of fear and anxiety.

As adults, these two girls will both likely experience relationship trust issues. The social twin because she doesn’t feel like she can be herself to be accepted and the anxious twin because she already feels isolated and rejected by her peers, even though she rarely gives them a chance to know her.

Negative Life Experiences

Some kids experience some awful things in their young lives and it leaves an imprint. For Joseph and Amy’s kids, especially the two who are five and seven, they’ll battle with feeling abandoned by their father, even though he can’t help what’s happening to him.

This may cause them to have relationship trust issues as adult women. The man they trusted the most in their young lives left them at a young age. If Dad can leave, why wouldn’t any other man?

It isn’t always a logical thought process from A to B, but it’s the process many take nonetheless.

Many negative life experiences force us into a place where we don’t trust anyone. It’s a natural consequence of things you often cannot control.

Overcoming Relationship Trust Issues

Finally, right? That’s what you came here to find in the first place.

How can you overcome relationship trust issues?

The most logical answer is that it depends on what caused them, but still, there are strategies that might help, regardless of where they came from.

Allow Trust to Build Slowly

Trust isn’t something you just decide to do one day. You must allow it to grow over time. Observe the behaviors of those you seem to not trust. Are they showing you that they are trustworthy or untrustworthy?

Sometimes, we fail to see trustworthy behavior because we’re almost blind to it due to past experiences.

Look for indications that this person can be trusted. Does he show up on time for dates? When he says he’s going to do something, does he do it? If the answer is yes, he’s trying to build your trust. Let him.

Forgive

Boy, talk about a recurring theme, right? Forgiveness helps take a few bricks out of that wall you’ve built.

Everyone makes mistakes, including you. Forgiving a mistake is okay. In fact, it’s necessary to positive mental health.

Reread the section above on forgiveness if you’re still doubtful about this one.

Talk About It

If your trust issues are rooted deeply in your past, tell your partner about them. You don’t have to dig up every single root, just share the main branches.

This will help him understand that you’re a work in progress and are asking for his patience.

This type of honesty goes back to that communication thing above. Someone in your life can’t understand your reactions to things if they don’t know where they’re coming from.

Ask Yourself – Is This About Trust or Control?

It’s normal if you have trust issues to want to be in control. When you don’t feel you have complete control over a situation, you become mistrustful of what’s happening.

This may show up in a variety of ways. For example, if you’ve been betrayed financially before, you may demand more control over the finances. It really isn’t control you seek, but trust that what you think is going on with your money really is.

In this instance, it’s okay to give over a little control. Allow him to pay the bills and trust that he does so in a timely manner. Resist the urge to check and double-check. When you feel the anxiety, remind yourself that you have no reason to mistrust him.

It’s okay to give up some control when it seems like a good idea.

Learn to Manage Your Anxiety

Trust is often really anxiety.

Anxiety is anticipating a negative event in the future. If he cheats on me, he’ll leave me. If she doesn’t pay the bills, we’ll lose everything. If I don’t know where he is every second of the day, he’ll cheat on me.

In these instances, trust becomes a decision you make, rather than a feeling you have.

Trust that your partner will pay the bills.

If he says he isn’t cheating on you, trust his word unless you have substantial and real proof (not a feeling).

The truth is that we cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves. If you really find that someone has broken your trust, there are two possible avenues for you to take.

The first is to leave the relationship or friendship. Just walk away.

The second is to seek help, both for yourself and your trust issues, and the relationship. It’s always possible that your lack of trust was actually the root of the problem.

If she always thinks I’m cheating, I may as well go ahead and cheat. At least then, I’ll be doing what she’s accusing me of.

Root Out the True Problem

Of course, the best way to resolve relationship trust issues is to find the root of the problem. Is it in your past? Is it in his? Do you have valid reasons for mistrusting him? If so, why are you staying with him?

If he’s cheated on you, why? What was already broken in your relationship, because something was. Either you snagged a player or there was a relationship issue lying deeper under the surface.

If the roots of your relationship trust issues are in your past, it’s best to seek out some professional help to work through those things. If they’re still nagging you now, chances are they need more than a few blog articles for resolution.

What’s the Common Denominator?

Are all of your relationships plagued with trust issues or is this the first one? If it’s the first one, it’s likely not something you’ve brought to the scene, but if all of your relationships seem to have these trust issues, it may be time to change things up.

Relationship trust issues that aren’t rooted in that relationship are often due to low self-esteem, low confidence, and/or low self-worth. You don’t believe you can have a loving relationship or that you don’t deserve one.

It may be that these go back to those childhood issues. You had an absent parent who made you feel abandoned – not worthy of their love. It may be that you’ve had enough crappy relationships that you don’t believe in your own ability to find great guys.

Either way, it’s time to work on those issues and again, if this is a long-fought problem, a professional may be your best bet.

Note the anxiety you feel in specific situations. When you think your friends are getting together without you, resist the urge to text all of them multiple times throughout the evening. If you think your boyfriend might be cheating on you, resist the desire to drive around all of the local hotels, and his apartment, to see if his car is there and/or a car you don’t recognize.

These behaviors feed your mistrust instead of helping you trust more deeply.

Be a Trustworthy Person

If you want to improve relationship trust issues, be a trustworthy person. Trust is a two-way street. You build your trust along with your partner, slowly and over time.

Be open about your feelings, opinions, boundaries, and past issues. This doesn’t mean you spill every single thing but share bits and pieces that help him make sense out of your situation and help you grow.

Additionally, being trustworthy means allowing him to make a mistake without blowing it completely out of proportion. He trusts you to react appropriately.

Wrapping Up Relationship Trust Issues

Trust might make you feel uncomfortable at first, but if you allow people to build your trust in them, you’ll find yourself enjoying happier and more meaningful relationships. This is true of friendships, not just romantic relationships.

Relationship trust issues show up in all of your relationships, not just specific ones.

The more times you’re willing to forgive someone and give them another chance, the happier and more trustful you’ll be.

It’s not a fast road to travel down, but one you should traverse slowly and steadily. As those urges to check and double-check wain, you’ll find that you’re more relaxed and much less anxious. You’ll feel healthier and your body will definitely benefit!

The first confidence building book for women and a best-seller, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes will prepare you to meet great men and enjoy a happy and fulfilling life. And not just any life, but a life you design for yourself. YOUR life your way! 

Are you ready to start planning that great life? Click below to get started today! There’s no time like now to live your life on your terms!

Walking away from someone who doesn’t value you takes tremendous strength and resolve, and yet, you might be feeling neither of those.

I’m Kirbie and I’ve been working with Gregg for more than ten years. I’ve been through this, and I just know I’m not alone, so today, I want to help you make your decision.

How do You Know if He Doesn’t Value You?

The first, and most obvious question to ask is how do you know he doesn’t value you? You’re probably second-guessing yourself on your decision.

You see glimmers of hope in small, yet infrequent gestures he makes. Your mind says see, he does love me! And you carry on as if all of the million and one signs that show he doesn’t value you fade into the distance.

Allow me to share my story.

The Story of J

Distant Past

I’m gonna call this guy J. I’ve known J now for nearly twenty-five years. When we first met, there was chemistry, which I was good at mistaking for love. I was also just out of a long-term relationship and needing validation, so I fell for all of it.

I would say we stayed together that first time for several months. It’s been too long now to recall how long but he said and did all of the right things, most of the time.

More Recent Past

But let’s fast-forward to say the last ten years. I must preface this by saying I haven’t spoken to or seen J in about eighteen months, but in the eight plus years prior, I was still falling for his crap.

The problem with J is that when I’m with him and he’s into the relationship, he’s everything you could want. Attentive. Loving. Giving. Then, out of the blue he pulls the rug out.

The pattern goes something like this:

• J’s attention for anywhere from a few weeks to a few months
• K falls for it, hook, line, and sinker
• J falls off the map – no text, no phone call, doesn’t show up for dates or isn’t home when I go at a pre-appointed time
• K gets fed up and swears this is it
• J shows up again, pouring on the charm
• Rinse and repeat

What finally broke the cycle for me was that I realized he was never going to change. Yes, it took me a long time but understand that we may go two to three years in between points of contact.

What really helped me the most was working with Gregg over these last few years and coming to build my own confidence. The last time J and I were ‘together’, I was mostly in it for companionship – someone to go to a movie with, that sort of thing.

The Truth

But the truth is that he didn’t value me, and I chose to ignore it for many years. I probably did it in part because my confidence was low and you know, any attention is good attention.

But as my own confidence has grown, so has my lack of tolerance for the crap. Over the last six or so years, I’ve strictly sought that companionship. He was always the one who wanted more.

So the real truth is that he lacks confidence in his ability to be in a good relationship and I’ve seen that for several years, so each time I went into a new encounter with him, it was eyes wide open.

Just because I understand relationships better doesn’t mean I’m not human. I’m capable of falling into the same traps as everyone else. When you care for someone, you want them to be the person you need them to be.

Waking up to the reality that they’re never going to be that person can be a rough wake-up call indeed!

So, How Do I Know He Didn’t Value Me?

He Didn’t Often Ask How I Was

Most of our conversations were about him and what he wanted in a relationship. If I would say, “what about what I want?” the conversation would flip to me for a tiny while, then go right back to him and what he wants.

Over the last five plus years, I’ve been taking care of my parents. My father just passed away three months ago, and he had dementia. The struggle is real, and life was sometimes very stressful and/or very challenging.

Not once did he ask about my parents or me.

There Was No Curiosity About My Life

I have eight grandchildren who are very important to me. VERY important. He was never interested in talking about them and never asked about them. In fact, I couldn’t get him to engage with anyone in my family.

He did when we first dated because we have kids who are all in the same age range, but now that they’re all grown, nothing.

He never asked what I did as a career either, which feels odd, but he was retired over the last few years due to a traumatic brain injury, so work wasn’t important to him.

Our Agendas Were Different

We may not have spoken for maybe three or more months, and I would get a text that went something like this:

Let’s get married in Jamaica in June (text received in April)

The old me would have glowed at the possibility. The more recent me just thought uh huh.

As I said, my agenda was companionship. Someone to go to a movie with or enjoy a nice dinner out. His was marriage.

There Was No Mutuality

Mutuality means that what you receive, you give, so in a relationship it means that if I am giving caring and interest in his life, he should be giving me the same.

He wasn’t, as I already said.

Our relationship was a one-way street.

He Didn’t Seek Me or My Opinion Out

I consider myself to be an intelligent woman and yet he never asked my opinion on anything.

In fact, as a sign of his low confidence, he is unable to make many decisions without years of deliberation. Way back when I was dating him twenty or so years ago, he wanted to buy an airplane. It took him five years to decide on one.

Last we spoke, he was wanting a new electric vehicle. He researches and researches. He does test drives. For years! Still no EV – or at least not last time I saw him.

He Failed to See How His Actions Impacted Me

Of course, I learned a long time ago that he was unreliable, but back when I still believed he would follow through (we’re talking fifteen or more years ago), I’d get ready for a date with him only to be still sitting home alone hours later.

He’s always had some amazingly dramatic story about why something else was more important than even a text or phone call to let me know he was coming.

I’d say in the last five years, I never believed he would follow through. He never acknowledged that he got even the slightest idea of how his actions impacted me.

He Treated Others Differently

I think this was the most confusing part for me. He would treat me like crap and bend over backwards for other people. When I’d call him out on it, he was always full of justification for his actions.

It was his kindness towards others and the way he went out of his way to help other people that drew me too him. I could never understand why he never tossed any of that my way.

It’s important to look for this with someone who doesn’t value you. Do they value anyone or is it just you they’re treating badly?

If he’s doing it to everyone, he’s an all-around schmuck, but if it just seems to be you, then he truly doesn’t value you and it’s time to move on.

So Why Did I Stay “In” So Long?

I stayed in it for so long for the same reasons you’ve stayed. You keep hoping he’ll change, and just when you’re about to give up on him entirely, he tosses you a breadcrumb that pokes at the little voice in your head – see, he does care.

Additionally, in the beginning, my confidence was very low. I was a couple of years beyond a divorce, and I’d made the mistake most women make of getting into another relationship too soon. Another schmuck.

I had no clue about confidence or anything else. I just knew I wanted someone in my life to care about me, so I kept dating. I was a single mom to four kids and it was stressful. Having someone to spend time with when they were with their dad helped me decompress, or so I thought.

Let’s look at a few reasons why women stay in this type of relationship.

We Justify the Bad Behavior

You want to believe you’ve made a good choice, that the guy you’re with isn’t just another in a long line of losers you’ve dated.

So, you justify the bad behavior to save face. Of course, your friends and family are shaking their heads and eventually, you stop telling them too much about your relationship because you don’t want to hear more I told you so’s.

The truth is that if J valued me, he wouldn’t have done those bad behaviors. He wouldn’t have skipped dates without a word or done any of the other things he did. I was just too scared of being alone and too low confidence to see it.

We Lose Who We Are

The longer you’re with someone like this, the lower your own self-worth dips. If he doesn’t value you, you can easily begin to lose your own sense of value.

I would set aside my hobbies in lieu of the possibility of a date. Instead of doing something I enjoyed, I was sitting there seething over him not showing up. Again.

We Overcompensate

When you do get those snippets of attention you’re always hoping for, you act like nothing is wrong. He hasn’t treated you like crap for the last two weeks, or longer.

Another overcompensation tactic is to allow him to say things that are unkind without standing up for yourself. You’re so relieved to have the morsels of his time that you ignore it.

It’s like a child who has discovered that the only way to get his parents’ attention is to act out, except it’s twisted around. He’s acting out and you’re glad for the attention.

We Keep Coming Back for More

Early on in this whole relationship with J, cell phones weren’t nearly what they are today so doing things like blocking people wasn’t an option.

Now, I have him blocked and deleted from my phone. This keeps me from having a weak moment and texting him first.

One time a few years ago, I thought I’d blocked him everywhere and he sent me a message via Facebook. I hung out with him a few times again before getting fed up and blocking him.

In the early days, every single time he’d send me a message, I was all in again. Looking back, it’s pathetic but there it is anyway.

We Let Them

The bottom line is that a guy gets away with this because we let them. Instead of standing up for ourselves, we just keep taking whatever these guys are willing to throw our way.

I know it seems easier than it really is because, as you have read, I lived it and it was very hard for me too.

How Does Being in An Invalidating Relationship Impact You?

There are quite a few negative consequences to being in a relationship where you aren’t valued. But with help, you can overcome them.

Feelings of Inadequacy

When you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you, it makes you feel as if you’re the one who is damaged. You aren’t enough.

Your self-worth declines because of the imbalance that’s happening in your relationship. The end result is that you might feel as if you don’t deserve to be loved. This guy is wonderful, and he doesn’t love you. How would another guy?

Low Self-Esteem

The feelings of inadequacy are about your self-worth, but your self-esteem is also damaged in these types of relationships.

He doesn’t value you and that leads you to feel as if you aren’t worth being valued. You may doubt that your capable of doing anything right in your life. Your desire to challenge yourself and grow as an individual is negatively impacted because you don’t believe you can.

You Get Frustrated and Feel Resentful

This was huge for me. I would get so frustrated, and not just at him, but at me too for falling for his lies again and again.

That’s why it was easy for me to avoid him for a short period of time but harder as time passed. That frustration wains and the resentment fades and there’s that smile and morsel of attention.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

Now it’s time to get to the heart of the discussion – walking away from someone who doesn’t value you. How do you do it?

Realize You Deserve Better

You deserve a man who will treat you with respect and value you as a human being with thoughts and feelings of your own.

Of course, as you’ve read, being with a man who doesn’t has probably dipped your belief in this statement so read it a few times until it starts to sink in.

The longer you stay with this person, the more devalued and undeserving you’re going to feel. If you think you’ll hurt him by leaving, think again. Remember, if he cared at all, he wouldn’t be treating you this way.

Stop Blaming Yourself

Blaming yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere except deeper into a pit of the crap you’re already feeling.

Did you pick the wrong guy? Yes indeed.

But instead of sitting there blaming yourself, learn from this experience!!

Chances are if you’ve stayed in this type of relationship, your confidence was low to begin with so take some time off and work on it.

A guy like this won’t approach a woman with confidence, so that’s your armor! Your shield against losers is confidence.

Discard the Belief that You Can Change Someone

The only person you can control is you. None of us can change someone else. That other person must want to change and right now, whatever he has going on is working for him.

That doesn’t mean you need to be the one who’s making it work, though!

His behavior is for him to recognize and change. This isn’t your project, and if you’ve made it your project until now, try embroidery or acrylic painting instead. Anything but this!

Just Walk Away – No Scene!

You don’t need to make a scene or prepare an ugly breakup scenario. Just end it. Josh, this relationship isn’t working for me, so I think it’s best that we just part ways.

Now, he’s losing something that he thinks he wants so he may try to argue that he’ll do better.

It’s likely that he isn’t going to do better. If he wanted to treat you better, he’d already be doing so.

What you don’t need to do is make a big scene out of it or cause an argument to get it done.

Recognize His Possible Reactions

It’s possible that somewhere deep inside, he does care about you and just isn’t very good at showing it. If that’s the case, he may do some of the following things.

“Chase” You

Men love the chase. There’s a possibility that he just became bored with the relationship but now that you’ve introduced a ton of challenge, he’s in it again, wanting to chase you.

It’s also possible that once he sees how his actions have resulted in you walking away, he’ll step up his game.

Regardless, don’t be surprised if he tries to chase you once you’ve ended the relationship.

What you do from here is up to you. Two things are possible. One is that he just enjoys the chase and as soon as he thinks he’s caught you again, he’ll slide back into old habits.

The second is that he recognizes that he needs to put more effort into a relationship with you and he steps up his game.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to know ahead of time, however, you’ll soon know if you allow him to date you again. He’ll either stop doing all of the negative behaviors above or he’ll start doing the things he should be doing.

He Might Realize He Misses You

Guys become complacent in relationships and take them for granted. There are things you can do to snap them out of this behavior, but right now, you have to wait and see how willing he is to even try.

So he might realize after you dump him that he misses you. Now, as far as I’m concerned, this is a golden opportunity for him to evaluate his own behavior in your relationship, and maybe he will, but it’s hard to say.

What he may realize is that he wants you back, but the two possibilities are the same as if he wants to chase you, so be prepared to take note of his behaviors.

The problem I had with J was that I was just clueless to the whole thing for the first many years. I was always so tickled that he’d reach out that I didn’t think too much about it until I realized he hadn’t changed.

Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Look for improvement and if you don’t see it, keep on walkin’.

He Might Be Brave Enough to Show His True Feelings

I dated a man once, before J, we’ll call him M. M and I dated for a while and he was actually a great guy, but he had a few annoying traits that I can’t even remember now. I ended the relationship when I just couldn’t do it anymore.

We’d been over for about two months when he called and asked if he could come over. I agreed and he showed up on my doorstep crying. Yes, crying.

He sobbed and begged me to take him back. Said he recognized that he’d made mistakes, and he wanted to have another try – no, he begged me for another try. So, I gave him one, but whatever it was that he’d been doing was still going on because the second try only lasted a few weeks.

He May Finally Understand the Consequences of His Actions

Actions have consequences. When you walked away, you established a boundary for how you would allow yourself to be treated. You drew a line in the sand and said I won’t take this crap anymore.

You might have tried to talk to him about his behavior before. I did with J. Like J, he may have promised to do better but never did.

But now that you’ve walked away, he sees the consequences of his actions. Before, you just indicated there would be consequences but never followed through. Following through on consequences is always the best plan.

He may straighten up because he now sees that if he wants to keep you, he must.

He Might Actually Prioritize the Relationship

Snapping him to attention by leaving might cause him to realize that this relationship is important to him. With any luck, he’ll quickly recognize that he needs to do better and will make your relationship a priority now.

Hear him out and, if you want, give him another chance.

He May Not Come Back at All

It’s also possible that he’ll just head off into the sunset and seek out another victim. That’s okay. You were being treated disrespectfully and now, that guy is gone.

In this instance, it’s time for you to take a few actions of your own.

What to Do After You End the Relationship

This is the most powerful time in your life. You’re free of a bad relationship and you have time to burn on you.

Take this time to do a few things for yourself so that when you’re ready for a new relationship, and that is not now, or tomorrow, you’re able to attract a man who will treat you much better!

Evaluate Past Relationships

Take a look at your past relationships. Is this a pattern of behavior for the men you date? If so, there are two things wrong. The first is that your confidence is low, and we’ll address that soon.

The second is that you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. There’s every possibility that once you build your confidence, this problem will take care of itself, but there are things you can do to make sure you look for the perfect man for you.

Make a list of the men from your past, preferably guys you’ve dated for at least a few weeks. Put each man’s name on a paper and draw two columns – positive traits & negative traits. Then fill in each for all of these men.

You’re looking for patterns. What negative traits keep showing up? You want to avoid those in the future. What positive traits are recurring? Those are things you should keep looking for.

Also, look at what happened in each of those relationships. Why did they end? Who ended it? You need to be brutally honest about both your role and his so you can get an honest look at what keeps happening.

Chances are that building your confidence will take care of many of the problems you see in yourself, like jealousy, clinginess, and so on.

Build Your Confidence

There it is. I’ve been alluding to it for the past 3600 words. Low confidence women attract low confidence men. Low confidence men behave the way we’ve been describing.

Aside from that, as you read previously, being in this type of relationship reduces your confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem.

Instead of immediately seeking a new relationship, which will make you feel better, but won’t be a better relationship, take some time off from dating to pull yourself together.

How long is difficult to say. I’d recommend at least a couple of months, if not more.

You must not only rebuild your confidence but define who you are as this new, confident woman. You may decide it’s time for other changes like your career, where you live, and so on.

It’s much easier to make all of these changes while you’re single and unencumbered. Take this time to get to know you again. As we age and our life changes, we change too. Values change. Priorities change. Goals change. Look at all of those areas of your life and determine what your values, priorities, and goals are today.

Rather than spend more time here telling you how to build your confidence, there’s an entire section of this website to do that. You can build your confidence by starting here.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You – Wrap Up

In the end, the decision is up to you, but what I hope you choose is to value yourself enough to walk away from someone who does not value you! You deserve better! We all do! I have had zero regrets since walking away from J eighteen months ago.

I still care for him, mostly because his health was so poor, but I don’t talk to him. I don’t seek him out. I don’t drive by his house to see if he’s home. I don’t inquire with his friends. Nothing.

When he comes to mind, I give it a moment, then I move on.

The road ahead is full of reflection and many questions, depending on how he responds to you ending the relationship.

Be smart and wise. Keep emotions out of it if he tries to come back. It’s okay to give things another try, but you know now what he was doing before and as soon as he slides back into those behaviors, exit.

It’s okay to have a sit-down with him and lay your cards on the table. Tell him what’s wrong. He may truly be clueless. This could be the way his parents interacted, and he doesn’t know any other way to be.

Explain how you deserve to be treated and tell him you’ll expect nothing less. It’s okay to give him time to try to be better but keep those lines of communication open and be clear.

When he does well, let him know. Everyone appreciates knowing they’ve done something right. When he starts slipping, kindly and gently explain this to him too.

You’ll know within a few weeks if he’s truly trying to do better or if he just wants to keep treating you badly. Trust your gut!