Breakups are very hard on people, generally speaking. But worse yet, at least according to some, is what’s called relationship churning.

This is when you break up, then get back together. Then you break up and get back together, and you continue in that cycle until what’s usually an inevitable break.

I thought today, I’d look into this question – is getting back with an ex after years even possible? And beyond that, is it a good idea?

Is Getting Back with an Ex After Years Even Possible?

To answer this question, let’s look at some statistics first, because by possible, I mean – is it feasible – will it work?

Psychology calls a relationship where you break up and get back together – once – as ‘on again’ relationships, so we’ll use their language.

The statistics I found multiple times tell me that about 40-50% of couples who break up will get back together at some point, but there a few factors involved, such as the reason for the breakup, and the reunion, and the amount of effort you’re willing to put into the reconciliation.

The bad news is that roughly 70% of the couples who reunite will not stay together.

So, if we use a nice round number like 100, we can assume that maybe 50 will get back together, but of those 50 couples who get back together, only 15 of them will remain together.

Basically, you have a 15% chance of your reconciliation working.

Still, I’m not here to discourage you. I’d rather help you gain the best chance of getting back together, if that’s what you want.

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Why Relationship Churning Never Works

Relationship churning is when you and a partner break up and make up in a continuous cycle. It’s an on-again, off-again cycle that continues over time.

There are many negative effects of relationship churning, as well as one big reason why it doesn’t work.

Why Relationship Churning Doesn’t Work

You break up with someone, and then two weeks later, maybe less, you’re back together. Everything is glorious for about a week, and then you break up again, and so goes the cycle.

The reason the reconciliations aren’t working is because you aren’t changing anything.

When you break up, the relationship was broken somewhere. By simply getting back together shortly after, you aren’t acknowledging, let alone fixing anything that went wrong.

Instead, you’re just repeating a cycle with the exact same two people.

I’ll talk more in a bit about how to make a reconciliation work. For now, know that this never works and it’s because nothing has changed. The problem wasn’t addressed or fixed and neither of you made any changes in yourselves either.

Negative Impacts of Relationship Churning

How can it be bad for you to break up with someone and get back together, repeatedly?

Breakups are Emotionally Difficult

There is a lot of psychological distress that comes with a breakup. A lot of this depends on how nicely you break up.

But I ask you, when was the last time you experienced a breakup where you both kindly sat down and said, “Hey. I’ve screwed up and I think I need to leave you so you can find someone better. It’s all me, Babe and I’m sorry.”

Ya. Sometime just past never, right?

People allow all of their hurt and pain to bubble up and explode out of their mouths during a breakup. Each partner blames the other for all of the things that went wrong, and it can become a truly ugly scene.

Then, you go back to your corners and internalize everything the other person said:

• He’s right, I am selfish
• I know I need to lose weight; he was right to call me fat
• He sees right through me – I am difficult to live with

Now, your self image has declined.

And then, you get back together. But those thoughts don’t magically leave because you got back together. They simmer, just below the surface, haunting your thoughts and causing your self-esteem to decline more and more.

Then, you break up again and new ugly words were said, plus some of the old favorites and those are internalized too.

It’s an ugly cycle that does nothing for your self-esteem except damage it.

Relationship Churning May be a Sign of a Commitment Issue

There may be deeper issues at play when someone is relationship churning. The churn may be one-sided. He breaks up with you, then he comes crying back, just when you feel like you’re ready to move on. He begs you to come back, so you do, because those old feelings are still stirring.

Then he blindsides you again, breaking up. And so goes the cycle.

What could be happening is that he fears commitment. He might want to be in a relationship, but when the idea of a long-term commitment gets real, his fear overrides any sense of love that he has. He bolts and runs.

Then, he has regrets and the cycle continues.

Meanwhile, he may be blaming this on you as well, so the psychological distress from above is also happening.

You May Commit Less to the Reconciliations

After a couple of these on-again, off-again cycles, you may find yourself guarded. This is likely to lead you to be more cautious, giving less of yourself – waiting for the relationship to end again.

If you aren’t as emotionally invested, you can’t get hurt, right? So, you commit to the reconciliation a little less. Of course, this doesn’t help it move forward, and the ending you’re waiting for inevitably happens.

You’re Unhappy in the Relationship

If you’re honest with yourself in this type of relationship, you realize that you aren’t as happy. All of the impacts we’re talking about are testimony to why.

People who are in these types of relationships report less relationship satisfaction, so why do they do it?

Sadly, I fear that many times, it’s because they fear nobody else will want them. This comes from the low self-esteem and low self-worth that’s happening each time there’s a breakup.

The Relationship Suffers from Poor Communication

Imagine you’re with this person you just broke up with, but you took him back. While you were apart, you know that he was saying ugly things to his friends about you.

Why would you bear your soul to someone who will just use what you say as ammo against you next time?

Additionally, if you had great communication to begin with, you wouldn’t be caught in this cycle because you’d be able to discuss your problems calmly and come to a resolution.

And lastly, poor communication includes a lack of listening. The ugly arguments that may be happening probably include shouting, and if you’re shouting, you aren’t listening.

It’s Extremely Hard on the Children

This is not fair to do to children, whether the two of you share kids or you each have your own.

When children meet partners of their parents, they either love or hate them. When they love the partner, then lose that person in their lives, it’s a devastating loss and brings a feeling of abandonment.

To repeat this cycle over and over teaches kids not to become attached to people because they don’t stay in your life.

These kids will have attachment issues later in life.

How Can You Work to Make Your Reconciliation Last?

There are things you can do to make sure that if you decide to get back with an ex, you have the best chance of success.

Make Sure You’re a Confident Woman with High Self-Esteem

In order to avoid many relationship problems, like jealousy, it’s important that you’re a confident woman.

Confidence is sexy for sure, but having confidence in your relationship is also like putting on armor against the dumb stuff that breaks people up.

No Boundaries

For example, without confidence, you may have difficulty establishing and maintaining boundaries. One way this presents itself is in having sex too soon with someone new, and yes, this includes someone you’re getting back together with.

Boundaries are things confident people put in place to protect themselves from other people’s negative behavior. You should be not allowing a man to have sex with you until he’s proven himself worthy of you. That’s not a first, second, or even fifth date thing.

Another boundary may be in how you’re treated. It’s perfectly reasonable to have a boundary that a man won’t put his hands on you in violence. The very minute he does, BAM, he’s gone, and you don’t take him back. That’s a boundary.

When you lack confidence, boundaries scare you. If you refuse to have sex with a guy on the first date, you fear he won’t come back, and maybe he won’t. What you fail to understand is that if he leaves because of that, it’s all he really wanted in the first place. He wasn’t looking for anything other than getting laid.

You Aren’t Yourself

When you lack confidence and self-esteem, you aren’t yourself around others. Instead, you’re who you think they want you to be. You might be really upbeat and chipper around your friends, but when you get home and shed that persona, you’re depressed and discouraged.

Nobody sees the real you.

And we do it in relationships too. Maybe you met this guy online, or you’ve prowled on his social media account before your first date. You know he’s outdoorsy, but you aren’t, so you pretend to be.

In fact, you pretend to the point of agreeing to go with him on some outdoor adventure, like kayaking or a hike through the woods.

And you’re both terrified and dreading the experience. You aren’t outdoorsy. You hate bugs and don’t like being outside.

So, you go on the adventure, or worse, you cancel at the last minute when the fear takes over.

A confident woman doesn’t pretend to be someone she isn’t, and she doesn’t allow fear to stop her from doing things that may be scary. Sure, this confident woman may not be outdoorsy, but she’s willing to try it once, knowing that, at the very least, it’s an experience she can add to her story.

You’re Overly Sensitive

It’s fine to be sensitive. What isn’t okay is to be so sensitive that whenever anyone says anything even remotely negative to you, you fall to pieces, feeling rejected and hurt.

This hurt and rejection might cause you to snap at your partner, even if he wasn’t the one to hurt you originally. This pain cuts deep and the only way you feel like you can deal with it is to lash out.

You Don’t Communicate Your Needs

Someone with low confidence and low self-esteem isn’t going to communicate their needs for fear of rejection.

You wouldn’t dream of asking him for a favor, or to do something differently. Perhaps you need to take your mother to an appointment, but this conflicts with something else you needed to do. With confidence, you could ask your partner to help you resolve the timing conflict by doing something for you. Without confidence, you’ll never ask.

Poor communication damages relationships in a multitude of ways. Each partner may feel a sense of loneliness and resentment, partly because of needs going unmet, and in part because they don’t have someone to truly talk to.

With good communication and confidence, you aren’t afraid to share your vulnerabilities. You’re willing to talk about your needs and ask to have them met.

Jealousy and Insecurity Rear Their Ugly Heads

When you have low confidence and self-esteem, you don’t believe you are capable of and deserve a good relationship.

You may have a history of abandonment from your childhood, or a string of breakups, either of which will leave you always waiting for someone else to leave.

What happens next is that any time your guy even glances in the direction of another woman, you’re jealous.

What does she have that I don’t?

Probably nothing.

I knew a woman whose boyfriend battled this type of insecurity. She would go to get ice cream or coffee with a friend, and he would drive by to check and see if that’s really where she said she was.

She ended the relationship because of his insecurity. Nobody wants to be on the other side of jealousy and insecurity. It stinks.

But you can’t help yourself. The person feeling these insecurities is so fearful of losing another relationship that they pretty much guarantee an ending by their jealous behavior.

Don’t See it as a Continuation of the Old Relationship

If you reconcile with someone, whether it’s after two weeks or two years, it’s important to realize that this is a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one.

The old relationship was broken. Why would you want to continue it?

No. You don’t.

What you want to do instead is build a new relationship, based on who you are now. Since we’re talking about a reconciliation that occurs after years, there is a strong possibility that you are both very different people.

You need to get reacquainted with one another. Sure, you’ve seen his social media posts and you know what he’s been up to, but you still need to get to know who he is today.

And that’s what dating is for.

I don’t recommend that you do these things too soon:

• Move in together
• Have sex
• Start talking about marriage

Those are things that this new relationship is not yet ready for. You may decide to date one another again and determine that the new versions of both of you don’t mix so well after all, and that’s okay.

Again. That’s what dating is for – to see if you fit.

If you go into this with expectations of marriage and children, you may be disappointed. Instead, date. Go out and do things you enjoy. Go hiking, bowling, to a movie, or whatever it is you enjoy doing together.

Spend time getting to know these new versions of each other.

Most importantly, take your time. Going too quickly or having expectations that are too high will only result in things going badly. Be patient. If it’s meant to be, it’ll come along.

Make Sure You Know Why the Original Relationship Ended

Even if your relationship ended years ago, know the why. What happened that drove the two of you apart.

This might take some soul searching, and that’s ok. The important thing is to recognize where things derailed so you can determine if those same problems still exist.

With confidence, you can eliminate a lot of problems – from your side of the equation. But what about your ex? Has he changed? Is he more confident? Do you think the problems of before will become problems again?

If you don’t examine this now, even if you’ve both changed for the better, your new relationship will have problems. You need to figure out what happened so you can avoid those mistakes in the future.

Be Sure About Your Reasons for Wanting to Get Back Together

There are reasons that aren’t good ones when it comes to getting back together.

One is for the kids.

Please don’t do this to children. The most difficult time for kids whose parents are divorced or separated isn’t after the separation occurs but before, when all of the tension and arguing is going on. That is what stresses the kids out.

Don’t put them through that again. Please.

Another is just plain loneliness. It’s okay to be alone. In fact, when you’re alone, it’s a great time to work on that confidence.

But you may miss having someone in your life.

Don’t get back together with someone just to avoid feeling alone. It simply isn’t a good enough reason.

Still another reason not to get back together is because you feel badly that you broke up and hurt someone’s feelings.

This is all good and well, but an apology can accomplish the same thing without sending you into another disaster.

Why are You Still Drawn to Your Ex?

Why is it that you want your ex back so badly after so much time has passed?

A study conducted in 2025, so a really new one, tells us that it takes as long as 4.18 years to reach the halfway point in dissolving your emotional bond to your ex. In other words, four years from a breakup, you still feel an emotional attachment to him.

Isn’t that something?!

One factor in how long it takes to break the emotional bond is whether you remain in contact. People who share children will likely remain in contact. You see him changing. He sees you changing.

I know a couple who broke up just after their third child was born. The little girl is now seven and her daddy desperately wants to reunite with her mother.

But Mom isn’t interested. He argues that he’s changed, and he has. But so has she. She became incredibly independent, and while she struggles financially, she likes her independence.

The study did show that parents who share children often break their emotional bond sooner than those who don’t have children. I find that surprising, but you can’t deny that the study showed this.

The last factor that impacted how long the bond remained was anxiety. Those who experience higher levels of anxiety held onto their emotional bond longer.

Wrapping Up Getting Back with an Ex After Years

I can’t guess what has you considering a reconciliation, but what I do know is that the process can be long and will require quite some effort.

I’m not saying that to deter you, but to give you a realistic view of whether this is possible.

Remember that to be the most successful in your reconciliation:

• At least one of you needs to change, preferably both
• Go slowly
• Treat this as a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one
• You can’t pick up where you left off…the only starting point is at the beginning
• Get to know the new version of him and let him get to know this new version of you
• Know what went wrong in the last relationship, but not so you can blame one another – so you know what may need to be fixed
• Avoid relationship churning at all costs – it won’t get you anywhere!

If you decide to try to renew an old relationship, then I wish you the very best of luck! Just be sure to position yourself for success before you start.

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You want to trust him, really you do, but the relationship trust issues between you feel insurmountable. How can you overcome this and build a bright and wonderful relationship? Let’s find out!

Why Trust is So Important

Before we get into the how, I always like to dig into the why. Why is trust such an important piece of a great relationship?

There are two sides to trust in a relationship. The first is you, your behavior and any issues you may bring to the table. The second is your partner and his behaviors, added to whatever residual issues he might bring along.

Trust Forms a Solid Foundation

As children, we trust our parents to provide for our needs, both physical and emotional. We also trust them to have our backs, guide us through life, and help us safely learn some of those difficult lessons life teaches.

But sometimes kids have parents who fail in their task. They don’t provide – maybe even aren’t present in the child’s life at all. The trust a child should inherently have in someone who supposedly loves them is eroded and the child quickly learns that people can’t be trusted.

That relationship never feels like it’s on solid ground. You never know what’s coming at you next or who, if anyone, will have your back. A bully chases after you at school, but you know nobody at home cares, so you fight back instead. In fact, you may find that you’re always fighting back, even when it seems unnecessary.

Relationship trust issues erode any sense of safety you wish to feel. Instead of feeling like your partner is someone you can share everything with, you feel you can’t share anything with him. Will he make fun of you? Is he likely to go off and tell someone who may want to retaliate?

But relationship trust issues also cause you to be in a continuous state of worry. Is he cheating on me? Did he put money into our bank account, or did he drink it all away? What kind of mood will he be in when he gets home? Should I find somewhere else to be or brave it? Some trust issues are warranted.

With trust, you can share your vulnerabilities and fragilities. You build intimacy in those moments. You feel safe and comforted knowing your partner will stand up for you no matter what!

Your Communication is Better

Poor communication is a relationship killer, and a big part of poor communication is relationship trust issues.

Why would you communicate honestly with someone you don’t trust? It’s like telling the biggest gossip in town your most valuable secrets, then being surprised when everyone knows in three days.

In relationships with good communication, trust is also present. You feel comfortable speaking freely because you know your partner is listening. It’s easier to be open and honest with him since you know he won’t immediately be judgmental.

Imagine being able to share your deepest fears with your partner, and instead of judgment, you know that he will wrap his warm arms around you, figuratively or literally, and comfort you. You know that he will help you overcome those fears, not make fun of you for them.

You Can Forgive and Forget

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts I think there is for humans. People think that if they forgive someone, they make whatever happened okay.

That isn’t what forgiveness is about.

When you hold onto anger, the cliché is that you’re allowing them to live rent free in your head. The anger follows you around like a lost puppy, always nagging, always present.

When you forgive someone, including yourself, you aren’t saying that what happened is okay. You’re saying that you aren’t going to allow what happened to overtake your life. You’re willing to let it go and move forward.

The benefits of forgiveness can’t be ignored:

• Reduced stress and anxiety
• Feeling less depressed
• Higher self-esteem
• An increased sense of optimism
• Improved communication
• The ability to form stronger bonds
• Resilience
• The ability to feel empathy and compassion
• Being able to move forward
• Increased heart health
• Lower blood pressure
• Healthier immune system

WOW! That’s a lot of great benefits to forgiveness. Conversely, when you can’t forgive, or refuse to forgive, you may experience:

• Being stuck in the past
• Higher stress and anxiety
• Unhealthy relationships
• Trust issues
• Weakened immune system
• Higher blood pressure and poor heart health

Personally, I’d prefer the benefits of forgiveness. The great thing is that you don’t need to tell the person who hurt you that you forgive them. Write them a letter of forgiveness, then burn it or shred it.

Forgiveness is for you, not someone else. It’s giving yourself permission to let go of the hurt and boot that person out of your headspace.

Improved Health

You just read how forgiveness improves your health. When you carry around stress and anxiety for any reason, your body is in a constant state of fight or flight and the hormones associated with that are continuously flowing through your body.

They do physical damage to your heart and immune system with prolonged exposure.

By solving relationship trust issues, you reduce the stress in your relationship and allow that fight or flight mode to subside. You feel calmer in general, in addition to feeling supported and secure.

Studies show that people who are in trusting relationships enjoy better physical and emotional health.

Your Relationship Withstands Difficult Tests

Every relationship is tested from time to time, whether it’s the challenge of new stages of life, life-changing accidents, or even illnesses. How well you overcome those challenges speaks to whether there are relationship trust issues between you.

I know a young family with four children who all just found out that the father of the family has incurable cancer and less than six months to live.

Without trust between Joseph and Amy, it would be difficult for him to feel safe and secure in his present state. He must put all of his trust in his wife, not just for his own care, but for the care of their four young children.

This is, by far, the most difficult test any relationship faces, and unfortunately, the end result of the test is death for Joseph. But Joseph can rest in peace knowing that his children will be well cared for by their mother. He can navigate each day of his disease knowing that she is providing the best care for him that she’s capable of.

Many other relationship tests aren’t so dramatic, and yet, they may still test the foundation of your relationship. Good people make mistakes, and those mistakes can really test you, and may even cause those relationship trust issues.

That’s why it’s so important to keep open lines of communication and be wiling to forgive. It helps keep those trust issues from eroding completely.

How do You Know if You Have Trust Issues?

Trust is most simply defined as believing that the other person in the relationship is honest and reliable. You know you can depend on him no matter what because he makes you feel safe and secure.

But if there are trust issues, you might experience or feel some of these things.

You Always Assume the Worst

Relationship trust issues force you to always be on the defensive. He got home an hour late. Was he with another woman? Was he out drinking when he said he would stop?

Your partner may not have ever done those things before, but your trust issues have you questioning everything and assuming the worst.

It also shows up in waiting to see what someone wants from you if you ask something of them. You ask a friend to pick up your child at school because you have an appointment, then you just wait for her to ask something of you.

Your Suspicious of His Intentions

Hey Babe, let’s get out of here this weekend. Let’s go to the beach and just chill. Your mind immediately goes to why? Why is he trying to run away? What’s going to happen at home this weekend that makes him want to leave?

Or maybe he brings you a dozen red roses after work one day, just for the heck of it. Instead of feeling grateful, your mind wanders to what did he do wrong? Why is he trying to butter me up now?

It might be that he just wants to spend quality time with you at the beach, or maybe he just felt like showing you with roses that he cares for you. By reading more into it than was there, you’re setting yourself up for a fight that doesn’t need to happen.

You Sabotage the Relationship

This happens so often, and it makes me so sad. You’ve been burned so many times by people from your past that you can’t now see how this guy will be any different.

In fact, you probably have a marker in a relationship, usually some set timeframe – three months, six months – when you just know he’s gonna end it any time now.

Instead of waiting for him to end it, you start picking fights and forcing the issue.

Unfortunately, the truth may be that was really into you until you started sabotaging the relationship. Now, though, he does just what you always expected him to do – he leaves. But he isn’t leaving for the reasons you imagine. He’s leaving the Crazytown your relationship became.

You Distance Yourself from Him

Getting too close to someone might make you feel really edgy. You’ve felt this way in the past and gotten burned every time, or what feels like every time anyway.

Rather than allow your vulnerabilities to show through, you hide everything you’re feeling. You keep a brick wall up between you so you feel safer.

Unfortunately, that brick wall, while invisible, is still very strong and instead of lowering the wall, it’s getting taller and taller with each piece of you that you withhold.

The distance you’re keeping helps you feel less edgy and fearful. The hurt you’ve experienced in the past is less likely to creep in if you keep to yourself and don’t let anyone in – at least not really in.

You Focus on What Will go Wrong

Instead of looking for things to go well, you always see the negative side of something. Negativity becomes your main state of being.

You want to buy a house together? What if one of you loses your job? What if a tornado or hurricane blows it off of the map?

You want to go on vacation together? What if you miss your flight? Worse yet, what if the plane crashes?

The scenarios you build with your anxiety are usually far-fetched but feel very possible and real.

It’s very difficult to be around someone who’s always a doomsdayer. It’s tedious. Nobody wants their relationship to be described as tedious!

What Causes Relationship Trust Issues?

Sometimes, relationship trust issues stem from something deep in your past. Other times, they arise out of your partner’s behavior or his own trust issues. Let’s examine where relationship trust issues might come from.

A Betrayal

This one is tricky because it might be that this partner betrayed you, or it could be that someone from your past has betrayed you.

If it’s this partner, you might be able to work with a couples’ therapist to rebuild your trust issues. It’s not likely something you can do on your own as the hurt may still be too fresh.

If it’s past relationship betrayals, it’s time to stop lumping all men into one cheater category. Let this new guy be himself. Instead of automatically assuming he isn’t trustworthy, allow him to earn your trust by showing up when he says he will and doing other things that can build your trust in him.

In either instance, you must move past the feeling of mistrust that you own. I know how the cliché goes – fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But let him prove to you that he’s either not a guy from your past or not the same guy who betrayed you previously.

Your Parents

If you experienced a poor relationship between your parents, it may cause you to have your own relationship trust issues now. If your father cheated or your mother was always spending money your family didn’t have, it likely caused arguments centered around trust.

Growing up with that as your relationship model will cause you to have relationship trust issues by default.

Experiencing Rejection as a Child

Kids are mean and some kids are always rejected by their peers.

I know a young lady, now twelve years old, who has severe anxiety. Among other disorders, she has misophonia, which means that repetitive or loud noises make her feel very anxious. She also has social anxiety.

Unfortunately for this young lady, she has a twin sister who is her polar opposite. The twin is socially active, athletic, and not afraid of anything. It’s very difficult to experience your own anxiety while watching those around you act as if they don’t feel it too.

The truth is that both girls have anxiety and fear but show it in different ways. The social twin fears social isolation so she’s gregarious, almost to a point of being fake about it. The twin with anxiety experiences social isolation due to her high level of fear and anxiety.

As adults, these two girls will both likely experience relationship trust issues. The social twin because she doesn’t feel like she can be herself to be accepted and the anxious twin because she already feels isolated and rejected by her peers, even though she rarely gives them a chance to know her.

Negative Life Experiences

Some kids experience some awful things in their young lives and it leaves an imprint. For Joseph and Amy’s kids, especially the two who are five and seven, they’ll battle with feeling abandoned by their father, even though he can’t help what’s happening to him.

This may cause them to have relationship trust issues as adult women. The man they trusted the most in their young lives left them at a young age. If Dad can leave, why wouldn’t any other man?

It isn’t always a logical thought process from A to B, but it’s the process many take nonetheless.

Many negative life experiences force us into a place where we don’t trust anyone. It’s a natural consequence of things you often cannot control.

Overcoming Relationship Trust Issues

Finally, right? That’s what you came here to find in the first place.

How can you overcome relationship trust issues?

The most logical answer is that it depends on what caused them, but still, there are strategies that might help, regardless of where they came from.

Allow Trust to Build Slowly

Trust isn’t something you just decide to do one day. You must allow it to grow over time. Observe the behaviors of those you seem to not trust. Are they showing you that they are trustworthy or untrustworthy?

Sometimes, we fail to see trustworthy behavior because we’re almost blind to it due to past experiences.

Look for indications that this person can be trusted. Does he show up on time for dates? When he says he’s going to do something, does he do it? If the answer is yes, he’s trying to build your trust. Let him.

Forgive

Boy, talk about a recurring theme, right? Forgiveness helps take a few bricks out of that wall you’ve built.

Everyone makes mistakes, including you. Forgiving a mistake is okay. In fact, it’s necessary to positive mental health.

Reread the section above on forgiveness if you’re still doubtful about this one.

Talk About It

If your trust issues are rooted deeply in your past, tell your partner about them. You don’t have to dig up every single root, just share the main branches.

This will help him understand that you’re a work in progress and are asking for his patience.

This type of honesty goes back to that communication thing above. Someone in your life can’t understand your reactions to things if they don’t know where they’re coming from.

Ask Yourself – Is This About Trust or Control?

It’s normal if you have trust issues to want to be in control. When you don’t feel you have complete control over a situation, you become mistrustful of what’s happening.

This may show up in a variety of ways. For example, if you’ve been betrayed financially before, you may demand more control over the finances. It really isn’t control you seek, but trust that what you think is going on with your money really is.

In this instance, it’s okay to give over a little control. Allow him to pay the bills and trust that he does so in a timely manner. Resist the urge to check and double-check. When you feel the anxiety, remind yourself that you have no reason to mistrust him.

It’s okay to give up some control when it seems like a good idea.

Learn to Manage Your Anxiety

Trust is often really anxiety.

Anxiety is anticipating a negative event in the future. If he cheats on me, he’ll leave me. If she doesn’t pay the bills, we’ll lose everything. If I don’t know where he is every second of the day, he’ll cheat on me.

In these instances, trust becomes a decision you make, rather than a feeling you have.

Trust that your partner will pay the bills.

If he says he isn’t cheating on you, trust his word unless you have substantial and real proof (not a feeling).

The truth is that we cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves. If you really find that someone has broken your trust, there are two possible avenues for you to take.

The first is to leave the relationship or friendship. Just walk away.

The second is to seek help, both for yourself and your trust issues, and the relationship. It’s always possible that your lack of trust was actually the root of the problem.

If she always thinks I’m cheating, I may as well go ahead and cheat. At least then, I’ll be doing what she’s accusing me of.

Root Out the True Problem

Of course, the best way to resolve relationship trust issues is to find the root of the problem. Is it in your past? Is it in his? Do you have valid reasons for mistrusting him? If so, why are you staying with him?

If he’s cheated on you, why? What was already broken in your relationship, because something was. Either you snagged a player or there was a relationship issue lying deeper under the surface.

If the roots of your relationship trust issues are in your past, it’s best to seek out some professional help to work through those things. If they’re still nagging you now, chances are they need more than a few blog articles for resolution.

What’s the Common Denominator?

Are all of your relationships plagued with trust issues or is this the first one? If it’s the first one, it’s likely not something you’ve brought to the scene, but if all of your relationships seem to have these trust issues, it may be time to change things up.

Relationship trust issues that aren’t rooted in that relationship are often due to low self-esteem, low confidence, and/or low self-worth. You don’t believe you can have a loving relationship or that you don’t deserve one.

It may be that these go back to those childhood issues. You had an absent parent who made you feel abandoned – not worthy of their love. It may be that you’ve had enough crappy relationships that you don’t believe in your own ability to find great guys.

Either way, it’s time to work on those issues and again, if this is a long-fought problem, a professional may be your best bet.

Note the anxiety you feel in specific situations. When you think your friends are getting together without you, resist the urge to text all of them multiple times throughout the evening. If you think your boyfriend might be cheating on you, resist the desire to drive around all of the local hotels, and his apartment, to see if his car is there and/or a car you don’t recognize.

These behaviors feed your mistrust instead of helping you trust more deeply.

Be a Trustworthy Person

If you want to improve relationship trust issues, be a trustworthy person. Trust is a two-way street. You build your trust along with your partner, slowly and over time.

Be open about your feelings, opinions, boundaries, and past issues. This doesn’t mean you spill every single thing but share bits and pieces that help him make sense out of your situation and help you grow.

Additionally, being trustworthy means allowing him to make a mistake without blowing it completely out of proportion. He trusts you to react appropriately.

Wrapping Up Relationship Trust Issues

Trust might make you feel uncomfortable at first, but if you allow people to build your trust in them, you’ll find yourself enjoying happier and more meaningful relationships. This is true of friendships, not just romantic relationships.

Relationship trust issues show up in all of your relationships, not just specific ones.

The more times you’re willing to forgive someone and give them another chance, the happier and more trustful you’ll be.

It’s not a fast road to travel down, but one you should traverse slowly and steadily. As those urges to check and double-check wain, you’ll find that you’re more relaxed and much less anxious. You’ll feel healthier and your body will definitely benefit!

The first confidence building book for women and a best-seller, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes will prepare you to meet great men and enjoy a happy and fulfilling life. And not just any life, but a life you design for yourself. YOUR life your way! 

Are you ready to start planning that great life? Click below to get started today! There’s no time like now to live your life on your terms!

Walking away from someone who doesn’t value you takes tremendous strength and resolve, and yet, you might be feeling neither of those.

I’m Kirbie and I’ve been working with Gregg for more than ten years. I’ve been through this, and I just know I’m not alone, so today, I want to help you make your decision.

How do You Know if He Doesn’t Value You?

The first, and most obvious question to ask is how do you know he doesn’t value you? You’re probably second-guessing yourself on your decision.

You see glimmers of hope in small, yet infrequent gestures he makes. Your mind says see, he does love me! And you carry on as if all of the million and one signs that show he doesn’t value you fade into the distance.

Allow me to share my story.

The Story of J

Distant Past

I’m gonna call this guy J. I’ve known J now for nearly twenty-five years. When we first met, there was chemistry, which I was good at mistaking for love. I was also just out of a long-term relationship and needing validation, so I fell for all of it.

I would say we stayed together that first time for several months. It’s been too long now to recall how long but he said and did all of the right things, most of the time.

More Recent Past

But let’s fast-forward to say the last ten years. I must preface this by saying I haven’t spoken to or seen J in about eighteen months, but in the eight plus years prior, I was still falling for his crap.

The problem with J is that when I’m with him and he’s into the relationship, he’s everything you could want. Attentive. Loving. Giving. Then, out of the blue he pulls the rug out.

The pattern goes something like this:

• J’s attention for anywhere from a few weeks to a few months
• K falls for it, hook, line, and sinker
• J falls off the map – no text, no phone call, doesn’t show up for dates or isn’t home when I go at a pre-appointed time
• K gets fed up and swears this is it
• J shows up again, pouring on the charm
• Rinse and repeat

What finally broke the cycle for me was that I realized he was never going to change. Yes, it took me a long time but understand that we may go two to three years in between points of contact.

What really helped me the most was working with Gregg over these last few years and coming to build my own confidence. The last time J and I were ‘together’, I was mostly in it for companionship – someone to go to a movie with, that sort of thing.

The Truth

But the truth is that he didn’t value me, and I chose to ignore it for many years. I probably did it in part because my confidence was low and you know, any attention is good attention.

But as my own confidence has grown, so has my lack of tolerance for the crap. Over the last six or so years, I’ve strictly sought that companionship. He was always the one who wanted more.

So the real truth is that he lacks confidence in his ability to be in a good relationship and I’ve seen that for several years, so each time I went into a new encounter with him, it was eyes wide open.

Just because I understand relationships better doesn’t mean I’m not human. I’m capable of falling into the same traps as everyone else. When you care for someone, you want them to be the person you need them to be.

Waking up to the reality that they’re never going to be that person can be a rough wake-up call indeed!

So, How Do I Know He Didn’t Value Me?

He Didn’t Often Ask How I Was

Most of our conversations were about him and what he wanted in a relationship. If I would say, “what about what I want?” the conversation would flip to me for a tiny while, then go right back to him and what he wants.

Over the last five plus years, I’ve been taking care of my parents. My father just passed away three months ago, and he had dementia. The struggle is real, and life was sometimes very stressful and/or very challenging.

Not once did he ask about my parents or me.

There Was No Curiosity About My Life

I have eight grandchildren who are very important to me. VERY important. He was never interested in talking about them and never asked about them. In fact, I couldn’t get him to engage with anyone in my family.

He did when we first dated because we have kids who are all in the same age range, but now that they’re all grown, nothing.

He never asked what I did as a career either, which feels odd, but he was retired over the last few years due to a traumatic brain injury, so work wasn’t important to him.

Our Agendas Were Different

We may not have spoken for maybe three or more months, and I would get a text that went something like this:

Let’s get married in Jamaica in June (text received in April)

The old me would have glowed at the possibility. The more recent me just thought uh huh.

As I said, my agenda was companionship. Someone to go to a movie with or enjoy a nice dinner out. His was marriage.

There Was No Mutuality

Mutuality means that what you receive, you give, so in a relationship it means that if I am giving caring and interest in his life, he should be giving me the same.

He wasn’t, as I already said.

Our relationship was a one-way street.

He Didn’t Seek Me or My Opinion Out

I consider myself to be an intelligent woman and yet he never asked my opinion on anything.

In fact, as a sign of his low confidence, he is unable to make many decisions without years of deliberation. Way back when I was dating him twenty or so years ago, he wanted to buy an airplane. It took him five years to decide on one.

Last we spoke, he was wanting a new electric vehicle. He researches and researches. He does test drives. For years! Still no EV – or at least not last time I saw him.

He Failed to See How His Actions Impacted Me

Of course, I learned a long time ago that he was unreliable, but back when I still believed he would follow through (we’re talking fifteen or more years ago), I’d get ready for a date with him only to be still sitting home alone hours later.

He’s always had some amazingly dramatic story about why something else was more important than even a text or phone call to let me know he was coming.

I’d say in the last five years, I never believed he would follow through. He never acknowledged that he got even the slightest idea of how his actions impacted me.

He Treated Others Differently

I think this was the most confusing part for me. He would treat me like crap and bend over backwards for other people. When I’d call him out on it, he was always full of justification for his actions.

It was his kindness towards others and the way he went out of his way to help other people that drew me too him. I could never understand why he never tossed any of that my way.

It’s important to look for this with someone who doesn’t value you. Do they value anyone or is it just you they’re treating badly?

If he’s doing it to everyone, he’s an all-around schmuck, but if it just seems to be you, then he truly doesn’t value you and it’s time to move on.

So Why Did I Stay “In” So Long?

I stayed in it for so long for the same reasons you’ve stayed. You keep hoping he’ll change, and just when you’re about to give up on him entirely, he tosses you a breadcrumb that pokes at the little voice in your head – see, he does care.

Additionally, in the beginning, my confidence was very low. I was a couple of years beyond a divorce, and I’d made the mistake most women make of getting into another relationship too soon. Another schmuck.

I had no clue about confidence or anything else. I just knew I wanted someone in my life to care about me, so I kept dating. I was a single mom to four kids and it was stressful. Having someone to spend time with when they were with their dad helped me decompress, or so I thought.

Let’s look at a few reasons why women stay in this type of relationship.

We Justify the Bad Behavior

You want to believe you’ve made a good choice, that the guy you’re with isn’t just another in a long line of losers you’ve dated.

So, you justify the bad behavior to save face. Of course, your friends and family are shaking their heads and eventually, you stop telling them too much about your relationship because you don’t want to hear more I told you so’s.

The truth is that if J valued me, he wouldn’t have done those bad behaviors. He wouldn’t have skipped dates without a word or done any of the other things he did. I was just too scared of being alone and too low confidence to see it.

We Lose Who We Are

The longer you’re with someone like this, the lower your own self-worth dips. If he doesn’t value you, you can easily begin to lose your own sense of value.

I would set aside my hobbies in lieu of the possibility of a date. Instead of doing something I enjoyed, I was sitting there seething over him not showing up. Again.

We Overcompensate

When you do get those snippets of attention you’re always hoping for, you act like nothing is wrong. He hasn’t treated you like crap for the last two weeks, or longer.

Another overcompensation tactic is to allow him to say things that are unkind without standing up for yourself. You’re so relieved to have the morsels of his time that you ignore it.

It’s like a child who has discovered that the only way to get his parents’ attention is to act out, except it’s twisted around. He’s acting out and you’re glad for the attention.

We Keep Coming Back for More

Early on in this whole relationship with J, cell phones weren’t nearly what they are today so doing things like blocking people wasn’t an option.

Now, I have him blocked and deleted from my phone. This keeps me from having a weak moment and texting him first.

One time a few years ago, I thought I’d blocked him everywhere and he sent me a message via Facebook. I hung out with him a few times again before getting fed up and blocking him.

In the early days, every single time he’d send me a message, I was all in again. Looking back, it’s pathetic but there it is anyway.

We Let Them

The bottom line is that a guy gets away with this because we let them. Instead of standing up for ourselves, we just keep taking whatever these guys are willing to throw our way.

I know it seems easier than it really is because, as you have read, I lived it and it was very hard for me too.

How Does Being in An Invalidating Relationship Impact You?

There are quite a few negative consequences to being in a relationship where you aren’t valued. But with help, you can overcome them.

Feelings of Inadequacy

When you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you, it makes you feel as if you’re the one who is damaged. You aren’t enough.

Your self-worth declines because of the imbalance that’s happening in your relationship. The end result is that you might feel as if you don’t deserve to be loved. This guy is wonderful, and he doesn’t love you. How would another guy?

Low Self-Esteem

The feelings of inadequacy are about your self-worth, but your self-esteem is also damaged in these types of relationships.

He doesn’t value you and that leads you to feel as if you aren’t worth being valued. You may doubt that your capable of doing anything right in your life. Your desire to challenge yourself and grow as an individual is negatively impacted because you don’t believe you can.

You Get Frustrated and Feel Resentful

This was huge for me. I would get so frustrated, and not just at him, but at me too for falling for his lies again and again.

That’s why it was easy for me to avoid him for a short period of time but harder as time passed. That frustration wains and the resentment fades and there’s that smile and morsel of attention.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

Now it’s time to get to the heart of the discussion – walking away from someone who doesn’t value you. How do you do it?

Realize You Deserve Better

You deserve a man who will treat you with respect and value you as a human being with thoughts and feelings of your own.

Of course, as you’ve read, being with a man who doesn’t has probably dipped your belief in this statement so read it a few times until it starts to sink in.

The longer you stay with this person, the more devalued and undeserving you’re going to feel. If you think you’ll hurt him by leaving, think again. Remember, if he cared at all, he wouldn’t be treating you this way.

Stop Blaming Yourself

Blaming yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere except deeper into a pit of the crap you’re already feeling.

Did you pick the wrong guy? Yes indeed.

But instead of sitting there blaming yourself, learn from this experience!!

Chances are if you’ve stayed in this type of relationship, your confidence was low to begin with so take some time off and work on it.

A guy like this won’t approach a woman with confidence, so that’s your armor! Your shield against losers is confidence.

Discard the Belief that You Can Change Someone

The only person you can control is you. None of us can change someone else. That other person must want to change and right now, whatever he has going on is working for him.

That doesn’t mean you need to be the one who’s making it work, though!

His behavior is for him to recognize and change. This isn’t your project, and if you’ve made it your project until now, try embroidery or acrylic painting instead. Anything but this!

Just Walk Away – No Scene!

You don’t need to make a scene or prepare an ugly breakup scenario. Just end it. Josh, this relationship isn’t working for me, so I think it’s best that we just part ways.

Now, he’s losing something that he thinks he wants so he may try to argue that he’ll do better.

It’s likely that he isn’t going to do better. If he wanted to treat you better, he’d already be doing so.

What you don’t need to do is make a big scene out of it or cause an argument to get it done.

Recognize His Possible Reactions

It’s possible that somewhere deep inside, he does care about you and just isn’t very good at showing it. If that’s the case, he may do some of the following things.

“Chase” You

Men love the chase. There’s a possibility that he just became bored with the relationship but now that you’ve introduced a ton of challenge, he’s in it again, wanting to chase you.

It’s also possible that once he sees how his actions have resulted in you walking away, he’ll step up his game.

Regardless, don’t be surprised if he tries to chase you once you’ve ended the relationship.

What you do from here is up to you. Two things are possible. One is that he just enjoys the chase and as soon as he thinks he’s caught you again, he’ll slide back into old habits.

The second is that he recognizes that he needs to put more effort into a relationship with you and he steps up his game.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to know ahead of time, however, you’ll soon know if you allow him to date you again. He’ll either stop doing all of the negative behaviors above or he’ll start doing the things he should be doing.

He Might Realize He Misses You

Guys become complacent in relationships and take them for granted. There are things you can do to snap them out of this behavior, but right now, you have to wait and see how willing he is to even try.

So he might realize after you dump him that he misses you. Now, as far as I’m concerned, this is a golden opportunity for him to evaluate his own behavior in your relationship, and maybe he will, but it’s hard to say.

What he may realize is that he wants you back, but the two possibilities are the same as if he wants to chase you, so be prepared to take note of his behaviors.

The problem I had with J was that I was just clueless to the whole thing for the first many years. I was always so tickled that he’d reach out that I didn’t think too much about it until I realized he hadn’t changed.

Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Look for improvement and if you don’t see it, keep on walkin’.

He Might Be Brave Enough to Show His True Feelings

I dated a man once, before J, we’ll call him M. M and I dated for a while and he was actually a great guy, but he had a few annoying traits that I can’t even remember now. I ended the relationship when I just couldn’t do it anymore.

We’d been over for about two months when he called and asked if he could come over. I agreed and he showed up on my doorstep crying. Yes, crying.

He sobbed and begged me to take him back. Said he recognized that he’d made mistakes, and he wanted to have another try – no, he begged me for another try. So, I gave him one, but whatever it was that he’d been doing was still going on because the second try only lasted a few weeks.

He May Finally Understand the Consequences of His Actions

Actions have consequences. When you walked away, you established a boundary for how you would allow yourself to be treated. You drew a line in the sand and said I won’t take this crap anymore.

You might have tried to talk to him about his behavior before. I did with J. Like J, he may have promised to do better but never did.

But now that you’ve walked away, he sees the consequences of his actions. Before, you just indicated there would be consequences but never followed through. Following through on consequences is always the best plan.

He may straighten up because he now sees that if he wants to keep you, he must.

He Might Actually Prioritize the Relationship

Snapping him to attention by leaving might cause him to realize that this relationship is important to him. With any luck, he’ll quickly recognize that he needs to do better and will make your relationship a priority now.

Hear him out and, if you want, give him another chance.

He May Not Come Back at All

It’s also possible that he’ll just head off into the sunset and seek out another victim. That’s okay. You were being treated disrespectfully and now, that guy is gone.

In this instance, it’s time for you to take a few actions of your own.

What to Do After You End the Relationship

This is the most powerful time in your life. You’re free of a bad relationship and you have time to burn on you.

Take this time to do a few things for yourself so that when you’re ready for a new relationship, and that is not now, or tomorrow, you’re able to attract a man who will treat you much better!

Evaluate Past Relationships

Take a look at your past relationships. Is this a pattern of behavior for the men you date? If so, there are two things wrong. The first is that your confidence is low, and we’ll address that soon.

The second is that you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. There’s every possibility that once you build your confidence, this problem will take care of itself, but there are things you can do to make sure you look for the perfect man for you.

Make a list of the men from your past, preferably guys you’ve dated for at least a few weeks. Put each man’s name on a paper and draw two columns – positive traits & negative traits. Then fill in each for all of these men.

You’re looking for patterns. What negative traits keep showing up? You want to avoid those in the future. What positive traits are recurring? Those are things you should keep looking for.

Also, look at what happened in each of those relationships. Why did they end? Who ended it? You need to be brutally honest about both your role and his so you can get an honest look at what keeps happening.

Chances are that building your confidence will take care of many of the problems you see in yourself, like jealousy, clinginess, and so on.

Build Your Confidence

There it is. I’ve been alluding to it for the past 3600 words. Low confidence women attract low confidence men. Low confidence men behave the way we’ve been describing.

Aside from that, as you read previously, being in this type of relationship reduces your confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem.

Instead of immediately seeking a new relationship, which will make you feel better, but won’t be a better relationship, take some time off from dating to pull yourself together.

How long is difficult to say. I’d recommend at least a couple of months, if not more.

You must not only rebuild your confidence but define who you are as this new, confident woman. You may decide it’s time for other changes like your career, where you live, and so on.

It’s much easier to make all of these changes while you’re single and unencumbered. Take this time to get to know you again. As we age and our life changes, we change too. Values change. Priorities change. Goals change. Look at all of those areas of your life and determine what your values, priorities, and goals are today.

Rather than spend more time here telling you how to build your confidence, there’s an entire section of this website to do that. You can build your confidence by starting here.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You – Wrap Up

In the end, the decision is up to you, but what I hope you choose is to value yourself enough to walk away from someone who does not value you! You deserve better! We all do! I have had zero regrets since walking away from J eighteen months ago.

I still care for him, mostly because his health was so poor, but I don’t talk to him. I don’t seek him out. I don’t drive by his house to see if he’s home. I don’t inquire with his friends. Nothing.

When he comes to mind, I give it a moment, then I move on.

The road ahead is full of reflection and many questions, depending on how he responds to you ending the relationship.

Be smart and wise. Keep emotions out of it if he tries to come back. It’s okay to give things another try, but you know now what he was doing before and as soon as he slides back into those behaviors, exit.

It’s okay to have a sit-down with him and lay your cards on the table. Tell him what’s wrong. He may truly be clueless. This could be the way his parents interacted, and he doesn’t know any other way to be.

Explain how you deserve to be treated and tell him you’ll expect nothing less. It’s okay to give him time to try to be better but keep those lines of communication open and be clear.

When he does well, let him know. Everyone appreciates knowing they’ve done something right. When he starts slipping, kindly and gently explain this to him too.

You’ll know within a few weeks if he’s truly trying to do better or if he just wants to keep treating you badly. Trust your gut!

Gregg, I’ve been dating this guy for a couple of months, and I really like him, but how soon is too soon to propose?

I’m afraid that if you’re asking this question, you might not like my answer, but let’s dive into this topic and see if we can come to an agreement.

Short versus Long-Term Gratification

There’s a popular study often called the Marshmallow Study, during which a researcher gave a group of four-year-olds one big fluffy marshmallow. The children were told that if they could wait to eat the marshmallow until the researcher returned from running a quick errand, they would get not one, but two big fluffy marshmallows.

Some children ate theirs, others did not during the fifteen-minute absence of the researcher.

Many years later, the researcher followed up with these same people. The research showed that the children who couldn’t wait as four-year-olds were still seeking short-term gratification while the children who were able to wait then now also enjoyed the gift of waiting for long-term gratification and had happier lives overall.

In other words, if you wait longer, there is usually a higher reward, in this case, a greater chance of success in the marriage and a happier relationship.

How Soon is Too Soon to Propose?

It can feel like each week is a month long if you’re waiting for a long-term commitment, especially if you feel a strong connection to a guy.

But slow down friend. Let’s make sure that before you dig into a commitment like marriage that you’re sure this guy is worthy of you and that your relationship is truly on course for long-term success.

The truth is that the longer you’re able to wait, the better, within limits of course. Let’s look at some signs that it’s too soon.

It’s Been Less Than a Year

While it’s true that some couples get engaged faster, your odds of success increase the longer you wait.

Within that first year, you may still be in the honeymoon phase, and if you aren’t, you probably aren’t long out of it.

It’s unlikely that you’ve experienced enough together to know for sure that you’re a good fit for one another. You’ll understand better after you finish reading.

You Don’t Know Much About One Another

It takes time to get to know someone really well. Even if you’ve made the mistake of sharing too much too soon, you still don’t know the important things.

Learning about someone comes more through experiences together and less through their words. He may say he loves kids, then whenever you’re around your nieces and nephews, he shies away. That’s your real answer.

You should know what he does for a living and what his goals are for his career. The two of you should be comfortable sharing your vulnerabilities as well. These things may seem small, but they add up over time.

You’ve Either Had Ugly Arguments or No Arguments

A good relationship has disagreements, but if both parties are good communicators, those arguments don’t get ugly.

Instead, you learn how to navigate them, and you work through things together.

If you’ve never argued, you aren’t being honest with one another. One or both of you are afraid to express your true opinions, which means there isn’t a great feeling of trust between you yet.

One of Both of You are Struggling Financially

Entering a marriage on solid footing is challenging enough. Entering one when one or both of you are struggling financially brings many new challenges to the situation.

If you’ve read my articles and followed my advice, you already have your financial act together, but if you haven’t, it’s time.

Financial soundness isn’t just something I recommend for your relationship; it’s something you should strive for regardless. It provides you with a freedom that’s hard to ignore. It also proves to any interested man that you want him for more than his financial support.

How do You Know It’s Time

Some believe that two years is a good timeframe to use, but setting a definitive timeframe doesn’t take into consideration the characteristics of your individual relationship.

For example, if you have a long-distance relationship due to living apart or military deployment, you’re not spending as much time together as a couple who lives in the same area.

When you live close, you may enjoy one or two date nights a week, maybe even more. But if you don’t live close enough, you may get one date a month or less if it’s military-based.

It’s the time you spend together that will better determine a timeframe. Of course, this doesn’t mean that if you’re long distance you need to wait a lot longer, but you do need to make sure that you know one another well enough to consider such a big step.

You’re Still in the Honeymoon or Infatuation Stage

One problem with jumping into marriage too soon is that you might not be giving the relationship enough time to stretch past the honeymoon phase when everything is glowing and fun. The chemistry is high, and you’re very attracted to one another.

You can read more about the stages of a relationship here.

As you can read in the article linked above, there are many dangers of a proposal during this initial phase of your relationship, not the least of which is ignoring the red flags.

This stage is a highly emotional stage of the relationship, which overrides your overall ability to use logical thought. The chemistry is hot and all you want to do is spend time together.

The problem is that if you do see red flags, you’ll dismiss them as inconsequential. You can read more about dating with your head, not your heart here.

Another risk is wanting to spend so much time with your new guy that you give up your life outside of the relationship. Your hobbies and activities with your friends are sidelined to spend more time with your guy.

But, you need time apart from one another too. Even when you’re living together or married, you need time to yourselves.

This stage is also at risk where honesty is concerned. During this phase, you’re essentially trying to market yourself to the other person. You want to put your best foot forward, and that may not fully reflect who you are.

And, of course, the last leads us back to our topic for today. In the honeymoon phase, you may have higher than reasonable expectations for your relationship, thinking you’re ready for a long-term commitment way before you really are. Expect this stage to last three to twelve months.

You’re Able to Communicate Effectively

Poor communication is a relationship killer. If you can’t talk to one another, how can you have a good relationship?

The problem is that people think of communication as talking, few realize it’s also about listening. In fact, one could argue that listening is more important than talking.

Another problem with communication is that some folks communicate through yelling. This intimidating form of communication is akin to bullying and gets you nowhere. Couples who yell often have problems staying together.

A third problem with communication is when people can’t be honest or share their vulnerabilities. It’s scary to tell someone about your soft underbelly and men are as afraid of this as women. But once your relationship settles in and moves past infatuation, you should feel more comfortable sharing.

You’ve Discussed Marriage

You’ve been dating for a few months, and you hear wedding bells, but how does he feel about marriage? Conversely, how badly would you feel if you didn’t want to get married and he proposed?

Even early in dating, it’s okay to discuss marriage in general. Feel one another out about marriage and even kids. While he might be into marriage, he might not want kids while you can hear your biological clock ticking loudly.

Better to know where you each stand on the topic before you get too far into things, and someone has higher expectations than the other person is willing to commit to.

You’ve Met the Important People

You can learn a lot about a man by how he treats others and how they treat him. With his family, examine how he treats the females in his family. Is he close with them? Do they respect him?

The last thing you want is the family saying Honey, run away before it’s too late! And this does happen! A family who knows their guy is a schmuck but likes you will advise you to get out. Take their advice.

With his friends, you can look at whether they respect him and how they are around him. Also, this is a good time to look at how he treats you when you’re out with his friends. He should not ignore you and should protect you. He should treat you with respect regardless of where you are, to be honest.

You’ve Passed Some Important Milestones Together

Marriages are challenging enough without jumping in too soon. A relationship that’s been well-tested has passed a few milestones.

The first is that you’ve experienced and survived an argument. You learn how you both handle a disagreement between you and whether you’re each willing and able to forgive after.

No relationship is perfect, so knowing how this shakes out is very important to your long-term success. If you can’t argue well, all bets are off. It will be a rocky ride.

Another dynamic to settle is how your marriage will be run. Is he in charge? Are you? Do you share in the control of the relationship? Do you want kids? Who will stay home with them, if anyone?

A third hurdle is traveling together. You learn a lot about someone when they’re away from home. It’s a more stressful situation because you’re in unfamiliar territory. Flights get cancelled. Bad weather creeps up. Hotel rooms turn out to be mold infested. You get to see one another at your best and worst.

Plus, you’re spending nearly 100% of your time together. Does this bring you closer together or make you feel anxious?

He Has All of the Traits of a Good Man

Just last week, I posted an article about the qualities in a good man. You can find it here. Make sure your guy checks a lot of those boxes, specifically confidence and great communication.

If he has one or two of those traits, but that’s it, it doesn’t make him a good man. You want him to have most of those traits, not just a couple.

You also want to make sure that while he exhibits those traits early on, he continues to do so after the infatuation has dissipated and you’re seeing more of his true self.

You Consider Yourselves a Unit

Your best friend texts and invites you to a party at her house this weekend to celebrate her thirtieth birthday. Do you say, “Yeah sure I’ll be there” or “Year sure we’ll be there”? It’s subtle but important.

Additionally, when you think of your future, do you include him? Is it we or I? You might subconsciously already have your answer right there.

Most of Your Goals and Values Align

If one of you values family and wants a large family while the other values experiences and travel, you may have a problem.

You need to make sure that you align in the important areas of life. Where do you want to live? City? Country? Suburbs? Do you want to own or rent? Do you want to travel, live abroad, or settle down where you grew up?

These things are very important and if discussed too late can really cause problems. Make sure you’re both on the same page in whatever key areas matter to you.

The Bottom Line on How Soon is Too Soon to Propose

I’d like to say trust your gut here, but there’s more to it than that this time. Your gut is a great indicator of whether this guy is a good guy once you’re past the honeymoon phase, but just because he’s a good guy doesn’t mean it’s time to get married.

The signs above should help you decide when it’s the right time for the two of you. I can’t give you some number of months or years, just things to look for in each other and your relationship.

Take your time and build a great relationship together. Know who he is and what he stands for. Be willing to trust him and make sure you’re both excellent communicators.

This will get you off to a great start on your future lives together!

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You’ve looked and looked but the good man eludes you, so today you’re asking, what are the qualities in a good man anyway?

The good news is that the good man is out there, and trust me, he’s as frustrated as you are. But this is about you so let’s dive right in!

What Defines a Good Man?

I suppose before we look at the qualities in a good man, we should define what a good man is by most standards.

Of course, to some degree, the words good man are subjective. What you see as a good man might not be what your friend sees, but to be clear, I’m not talking about physical appearance.

The beauty of any human being lies inside them. It’s in how they treat people, how empathetic they are, how well they control their emotions, and how successful they are in key areas of their lives. Allow me to explain.

Qualities in a Good Man: Honesty

First and foremost, a good man is honest. Yes, he might tell you you’re beautiful even when you are at your worst, but he isn’t looking at your physical beauty, he sees what’s inside.

When you are honest with one another, you have a very strong foundation for your relationship. You develop trust and value one another’s opinions because you know you’re speaking the truth.

Honesty also means being honest with your feelings. A good man has a high emotional IQ, meaning he’s in touch with his emotions and knows how to control them. If he tells you that he loves you, you can take it to the bank!

Good Men Show Empathy

When a man genuinely feels your pain and shows compassion for what you’re going through, he’s showing empathy.

This is the type of man you want. He shares in your successes and your sadness. He’s there, celebrating with you, not feeling as if he’s been one-upped.

This guy values your feelings as much as his own and he won’t disappoint.

A Good Man is Into Personal Development

Personal development means looking for ways in which you can grow as a human being. Maybe it’s taking a cooking class or learning a new skill.

One of the awesome qualities in a good man is that he values personal development, and not just his but yours too!

You can use this to build your relationship in interesting ways. Take classes together. Join two of your hobbies into one new one. Create your own personal book club.

There are tons of ways to pursue personal development, both with and without your guy.

Qualities in a Good Man: High Emotional Intelligence

Having emotional intelligence means being in touch with your own emotions for sure, but it also means being able to respond positively to someone else’s emotions. A person with high emotional intelligence recognizes emotions and responds appropriately.

Men who have high emotional intelligence form successful relationships, both in their personal and professional lives.

This type of guy is open to expressing and talking about feelings, yours and his. This can be a difficult trait to find in a guy, so if you find one, grab on!

A Good Man is Respectful

Respect means valuing others and treating them kindly, regardless of how well you know them or their social status.

Your guy is kind to elderly people in the grocery store, helps old ladies cross the street, and treats your family the same way he treats his own.

This guy is a great listener who allows someone else to speak their opinion without arguing back. He’s willing to listen, even if he disagrees, and if he speaks his own mind, it’s with kindness and patience, not anger.

Respect also extends to your boundaries. He may have hinted that he wanted sex early in your relationship, but you stood your ground and said it was too soon, and he respected it. In fact, he probably tried harder to win your trust.

Qualities in a Good Man: Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a tough one that many people struggle with. In fact, a man, even a good man, may not want to expose his vulnerabilities to you too soon, and that’s okay.

You must first become someone he can trust with his vulnerability. Society demands that men hide their vulnerabilities, seeing them as signs of weakness.

When someone is vulnerable, they’re open to experiences and emotions. They aren’t afraid to let go of control. Society has it wrong – this isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.

And I may point out that people who find this as a weakness most likely feel threatened by this type of man.

Good Men are Reliable/Dependable

There’s nothing worse than planning a date with a guy, only to have him either forget or show up really late.

Reliable men keep their promises and commitments. If he says he’ll do something, you can count on it.

Reliability goes hand in hand with trust. The more reliable someone is, the more trust someone develops in them. No promise is too light. If he says he’ll be there to help you move, he will, even if he didn’t get any sleep the night before because his dog was sick.

This is truly a good man!

A Good Man Shows Humility

Do you ever get the feeling that you’ll just never see some traits in people again? Humility feels like one of those.

It’s so easy to be successful and want to boast about it, but a person who shows humility doesn’t even go there. Instead, this guy wants to keep pushing to the next thing. Having conquered that thing, it’s time to move on to something new!

A person who shows humility recognizes that his accomplishments often aren’t just his. There was likely a team involved, whether it’s just the two of you, or his team at work, he recognizes that he was just part of the whole success, not the whole.

Good Men Show Compassion

Someone who is compassionate is sensitive to the feelings and needs of others. If you came home from work with a migraine, this guy will do what he can to pick up the slack so you can retreat into a quiet dark room to feel better.

When this guy sees someone who’s struggling, he’ll step in with kindness and do what he can to help the situation.

Qualities in a Good Man: Authenticity

It is very hard in today’s world of social media and high expectations to stay true to yourself, but a man who’s authentic will do just that.

This guy doesn’t do something because he thinks he’ll get one hundred likes on Instagram or Facebook. He does them because that’s his value system.

Someone who shows authenticity also owns his flaws, rather than blame someone else or hide them from the world. This guy understands that mistakes lead to learning and that owning them shows integrity.

Great Men are Also Great Listeners

Many people can talk themselves blue, but few are those who listen well. To listen is to shut off your own I can tell a better story meter and just listen to what’s being said. This guy values silence when someone else is speaking.

He listens intently, formulates great follow-up questions, and doesn’t interrupt the speaker. He shows genuine interest in the conversation and is 100% dialed in.

When you’re talking to someone who is a good listener, he waits to speak and when he does, it’s clear that he was paying attention and has something intelligent to add.

This is a sign of respect for the speaker, a way of making them feel valued and heard. This is like every woman’s dream man! He does exist!

Qualities in a Good Man: Leadership

Leadership isn’t the same as being bossy. A leader respects his team, whether it’s just the two of you, or a group of people at work or in another situation.

This type of person is able to make decisions with his team in mind, consulting the team for input and making the best decision for all involved.

Probably the best quality in a leader is the ability to know when someone else may be able to lead this particular project or situation better. If he finds himself in a situation that he doesn’t know much about, he will seek out the best person to take over.

If your guy is a great leader, he’s interested in having balance in your relationship, respecting you and creating a healthy environment where both of your concerns are addressed.

A Good Man is Ambitious

Having goals and going after them is a great trait in anyone. It shows a desire for personal and professional growth. There is a drive, a motivation to do whatever it takes to achieve the life he wants.

He not only wants the best for himself, but for you too and will encourage you to strive to reach your goals too.

Good Men are Loyal

You’re wondering why it took me so long to mention this, aren’t you? I have no good reason, except to say that none of these traits are more important than others, so I’m doing them in the order they come to me.

A loyal person is someone who stands by the important people in his life. He supports them through thick and thin, showing up even in the most difficult times.

His loyalty creates a deep and meaningful connection between you that fosters trust and a sense of dependability.

Qualities in a Good Man: Self-Discipline

Boy, this one is a tough one for many people. You want to lose 30 pounds but that piece of chocolate cake is calling your name. Self-discipline allows you to let it call while a lack of self-discipline has you marching over to cut a slice.

Many studies have shown that people who go for short term gratification – the slice of cake – are less happy than those who hold out in lieu of their goals – weight loss.

Of course, we all have moments when we lack self-discipline. It’s human nature, but those who have developed a good sense of self-discipline succeed at it more often than they fail.

A person who exhibits self-control shows that he understands life is a marathon and he’s willing to wait for the best things – the things he wants.

He’s exhibiting a tremendous ability to control his urges and know what he wants.

A Good Man Doesn’t Run from His Problems

In fact, one of the qualities in a good man is that he’s a good problem-solver. It’s easy to try to stuff down problems, but someone who is very strong works on solving his problems instead.

Someone who faces his problems head-on realizes that a solution is there somewhere, he just has to dig in and look for it. He’s willing to take on a second job to save up money for that downpayment on a house or eliminate his debt.

This guy goes the extra mile and he’s a keeper!

Good Men are Generous

Generosity doesn’t just indicate financial generosity, although that’s where most minds go. Even more valuable commodities to many people are their time and energy, not to mention kindness.

Someone who values generosity knows that it’s more rewarding to give than it is to receive. This is even more true if the person giving has very little to give themselves but still finds a way.

This type of man is selfless and thinks of others before himself. This is a truly wonderful trait in a man.

Qualities in a God Man: Patience

There’s nothing worse than being around someone with no patience. You feel them constantly looming over you, waiting for you to trip up so they can take over. You don’t do anything quickly enough to suit them.

Patience is a virtue, or so the cliché goes anyway. Patient people still get frustrated at times, but they have emotional intelligence, and they are able to monitor and control their frustration, handling it in a healthy way, rather than an impatient or overbearing way.

A Good Man Builds You Up

People who tear others down are miserable in their own skin, but a man who builds you up is supportive and encourages you to be the best version of yourself.

When you’re finally able to face a big fear, he’s there cheering you on and expressing his pride in your accomplishment. He’s there when you decide to go back to school to get a new degree or boost the one you have. He’s happy to lend a hand where needed to help you achieve your goals.

Great Men Hold Themselves Accountable

There’s nothing worse than being around someone who can’t accept their own role when something goes wrong, especially since they might be blaming it on you instead.

One of the true qualities in a good man is that he holds himself accountable. If there’s a mistake or a misstep, he’s not blaming anyone else if he’s at fault.

This guy understands that to learn from his mistakes and grow as a person, he must first admit the mistake.

This helps establish a level of trust between you because you know that he’s not going to turn on you when the chips are down.

Qualities in a Good Man: Confidence

You had to know this would be on the list if you’ve read anything of mine before now. Confidence for the man and the woman are key elements of any relationship. It’s confidence that allows him to have the other traits listed in this article.

A confident man won’t date a woman who lacks confidence, though, so you must have your confidence boosted up to find this guy.

Many women feel great men are elusive, but the truth is that they’re right there, looking for confident women to date and marry.

Great Relationships Require Excellent Communication!

The final trait I have to share with you today is great communication skills. Many relationships are derailed by poor communication skills. As you read earlier, being a great listener is one of the qualities in a good man.

This is why.

Listening is perhaps the more important half of the communication duo. Yes, you must be able to articulate your feelings into words clearly, but being able to listen attentively is equally important.

Good communicators can avoid arguments with their better skills. They recognize that yelling and screaming isn’t an effective form of communication. Besides, this guy has better control of his emotions than that, so he’s less likely to fly off the handle.

Along with confidence, communication is probably one of the top qualities for both men and women because without either one, your relationship is unlikely to survive.

That’s a Wrap on Qualities in a Good Man

These qualities in a good man aren’t negotiable. Sure, a good man might not exhibit all of them, but he should have most.

Again, this is because above all, he should be confident. Confident men won’t show the opposites of these traits. They’ll embody them.

I mentioned above that women feel good men are hard to find. The truth is that they’re out there, wondering where the good women are. They too have been hoodwinked by women who appear to be confident at first, but turn out to lack confidence, derailing their relationship.

If you’re having trouble finding this guy, step back from the dating scene and work on building your own confidence further. A good man will recognize your confidence and be drawn to you, otherwise, you’re attracting the snoozers and losers.

Who wants that?

When you’re dating someone with depression, all you want to do is make them feel better. You love them and you want them to get back to their old selves, but you don’t know what to do. How can you fix this?

The problem is that you can’t fix it. It isn’t your job. What then is your job? I’m guessing that, since you’re here, you’ve been scouring the Internet looking for ways to fix your guy. Your heart breaks at his despair.

What Not to do When Dating Someone with Depression

Let’s first examine the mistakes people make in this situation. You don’t do these things to intentionally cause harm, but they may do just that.

Don’t Argue with Their Feelings

People with depression often have very negative thought patterns. You telling them that they’re wrong doesn’t help them because they believe this very strongly.

You can try to tell him what a wonderful man you think he is, but he won’t believe you because his own negative thoughts are too strong.

Instead, you’re likely to cause a disconnect and greater distance between you, and that’s the opposite of what you’re trying to do.

Accepting him as he is is a very powerful way to show your support without trying to change his narrative. Try to encourage him to share his feelings, knowing that this is very difficult for a man. He might not really know why he feels sad or hopeless but sometimes talking it out can help the cause pop through.

Don’t Get Upset When He Can’t Participate

Depression makes people want to curl up in the safety of their space and shut out the world. It decreases sex drive as well.

If you have plans with him and he bails, don’t get upset. He’s battling his internal voices, and the battle is just too hard in that moment. Instead, be understanding and suggest you reschedule for another time. Let him know you understand and aren’t angry.

If your sex life has fallen off, it’s the depression. Don’t go into a long speech about whether he still loves you or if you aren’t attractive to him any longer. He simply isn’t interested right now. It’s the depression talking, not his love for or attraction to you.

When he bails on your plans, go out and do something anyway. You don’t need to flaunt it in his face, but he may find comfort in knowing he didn’t ruin your evening. Going out anyway can also help you avoid feeling angry or frustrated at a situation you cannot control.

Set and Maintain Boundaries

Just because he’s battling depression doesn’t mean he has a license to treat you badly. You should already have boundaries about how you’re willing to be treated and those should stay firmly in place.

Of course, this doesn’t apply to him canceling his plans on you, as you just read. It does, however, apply to times when he may lash out at you with coarse language or personal attacks.

It’s okay for you to say I’m really sorry James, but as I’ve told you before, it isn’t okay for you to speak to me that way. I’m going to head out for a while so we can both calm down.”

In saying this, you’re reminding him of the boundary – that it isn’t okay for him to speak to you that way, and you’re calmly extricating yourself from the situation.

You don’t need to walk on eggshells around someone with depression. They are still responsible for their own actions.

Don’t Spend 100% of Your Time on Him

It’s never healthy to make a man your hobby, and even less so when he’s battling depression. He needs time to deal with his feelings and you need to be sure you’re taking care of yourself.

In fact, sometimes it’s a good idea to find your own therapy to help you deal with the repercussions of dating someone with depression.

You may also discover a pattern in yourself that helps you understand why you are attracted to someone who’s battling depression, if this seems to be the type of man you find.

Don’t Fight this Battle Alone

There are support groups you can look to for support and guidance. These are people who have been where you are and feel what you’re feeling right now.

It’s okay to seek help for yourself as a way of helping your relationship. The people in these groups won’t shame you or belittle you, but they may help you see where you can do things differently, either for your partner or for yourself.

How to Succeed at Dating Someone with Depression

Now that you know what not to do, let’s look at some tools you can employ to succeed in this journey.

Watch for Signs of Suicidal Thinking

Suicide is a real danger to someone battling depression. There are signs you can look for to make sure your guy isn’t sliding into this state. These signs are from the Suicide Prevention Resource Center:

• Talking about feeling unbearable pain
• Having a fascination about death or talking about a recent death
• Feeling hopeless, worthless, or trapped
• Feeling guilt, shame, or anger
• Believing they are a burden to others
• A recent suicide attempt
• Increased drug or alcohol use
• Losing interest in personal appearance or hygiene
• Withdrawing from family, friends, and community
• Saying goodbye to friends and family
• Giving away prized possessions
• A recent episode of depression, emotional distress, or anxiety
• Changes in eating/sleeping patterns
• Becoming violent or a victim of violence
• Expressing rage
• Recklessness

Help Him Explore Treatment Options

There is no shame in exploring treatment for depression. There are drugs and treatments available to help the brain chemistry get rebalanced. Additionally, it can help to talk to someone who can help sort out all of the negative thought processes that are flooding his thoughts.

Suggest that he reach out to his family doctor for advice on how to proceed. You shouldn’t make these appointments for him, but you can talk to him about the help that’s out there.

Offer the Support He Needs

When you’re battling depression, even the simplest tasks can seem overwhelming. For example, “Can I help you look up that phone number?” or “Can I drive you to your appointment and wait outside?”

More general questions like how can I help might be too difficult to answer because they don’t know what they need.

Be careful, however, not to be pushy. If he says no, it’s no.

Acknowledge His Victories

Small wins are everything when you’re battling depression. Just getting up and putting clothes on can be a challenge.

While it’s important not to belittle him, it’s also important to help him see his small victories, as they are usually quite big to him.

“Joe, I’m so proud of you. I know it took a lot of strength.”

Be Loving and Concerned

When you battle depression, you usually feel pretty badly about yourself. It’s okay to tell him that you love and respect him, in fact, it may help in some small way.

But it’s also okay to tell him your concerns. Sometimes, this is the motivating factor for people seeking help. It isn’t their own feelings that sends them, but the concerns of others.

Jake, I love you and I know it’s difficult for you to get out of bed, but I’m concerned for you. I’m afraid that if you don’t get some help now, your job will be in jeopardy and that will only make things worse. I need you and I want you to get help.”

Skip the Judgmental Thoughts

People with depression feel isolated. It’s like floating on an island with no life raft and nobody to talk to.

If he does share something with you, don’t judge his thoughts. Instead, encourage him to share his thoughts.

My body just feels so heavy.

That sounds very challenging. Can you tell me more?

Gently, not forcefully, encourage him to share more about how he’s feeling. Sharing might be a source of light. He may feel a sense of connection that will help him feel less isolated.

Take Care of Yourself

Just because he’s battling depression doesn’t mean you toss your own care out the window. It’s more important than ever that you make sure to practice self-care. Take time for yourself, whether it’s a walk, reading a book, or gardening. Whatever you can do to feel like you’re recharging your own batteries is great.

Educate Yourself About Depression

Do your research, and not just a few blog articles. Look for professional work on battling depression and what that means.

Dating someone with depression can cause you to feel out of control of the situation. When you gain knowledge about something, it helps you feel more in control. You’ll see the depression for what it is and feel less likely to blame yourself, or your partner, for the depression.

The truth is that he can’t just wish away his depression. It doesn’t work like that. This is an illness, a disease, just like the flu or cancer.

Try to Get Him to Exercise with You

As difficult as it is to get out of bed for someone with depression, the benefits of exercise can’t be ignored. Even if you just get him to go for a short walk, you’re stirring up some endorphins that will help him feel a little better.

Dating Someone with Depression

In the end, this isn’t your problem to solve. The most you can do is be supportive and offer kindness and empathy.

Your guy is going through something that is, for the most part, beyond his control. What is within his control is seeking professional help, and your job there can be as a support system. Offer to help him find someone if it feels too overwhelming for him. Offer to drive him if he doesn’t seem to want to do so himself.

Patience with the situation will help you both, as will your flexibility with his inability to participate in your dating life sometimes.

Above all, know that this isn’t about you, so don’t make it so. He has enough battles without trying to battle your issues.

Group environments full of people who are going through what you are can be most helpful in your journey to be a supportive girlfriend. Make sure that you’re taking care of yourself too so that you can be the best version of yourself possible.

With professional help, he can heal from his depression and he will be grateful for your patience and support.

Having an effective self-care routine is crucial to your daily peace and happiness, but many people falsely believe that self-care is simply taking a hot bath with a glass of wine and some candles.

There are so many other ways to enjoy a self-care routine and this book walks you through them, providing you with many choices on how you can implement a self-care routine into your schedule. 

There are several misconceptions about being in love and I feel like we should get those out of the way before we talk about how to know when you’re in love.

How to Know You’re in Love | What Love Isn’t

It’s not a Fairy Tale

One common misconception about being in love is that it should feel like a fairy tale. Many people believe that love should be perfect and without conflict, but in reality, every relationship has its ups and downs. Love is not about avoiding conflict, but about navigating it effectively and growing together.

It Isn’t All Passion

Another misconception is that love is all about passion. While passion is an important component of love, it is not the only one. True love also involves commitment, trust, respect, and mutual understanding. It’s not just about intense feelings, but also about building a deep connection with another person.

It Isn’t an All-Consuming Fire

Many people also believe that being in love means being completely consumed by the other person. This is not healthy or sustainable. It’s important to maintain your own identity and interests outside of the relationship. Being in love should not mean losing yourself.

Being in Love Won’t Solve Your Problems

A fourth misconception is that love can solve all problems. While love can certainly help in dealing with life’s challenges, it is not a cure-all. Both partners need to be willing to work on their issues individually and as a couple.

Love Isn’t Easy

Lastly, there’s a misconception that if you’re in love with someone, the relationship should be easy. Love is hard. It takes hard work and dedication to keep things moving rrorward. Many people don’t recognize love as a verb, but being in love is a lot about your actions, not just using the words.

Decoding the Language of the Heart: What Does Being in Love Really Mean?

Now that we know what love isn’t, lt’s look at what love is. What does it mean to be in love?

Being in love goes beyond the dizzying whirl of butterflies fluttering riotously in your stomach when you catch a glimpse of your special someone. It’s more than those stolen glances and whispered sweet nothings. Being in love transcends the surface-level enchantment and delves deeper into the realms of respect, compatibility, and shared desires.

The Comfort of Togetherness

If the mere presence of this individual elicits a feeling of comfort and peace, it could be love. Love offers an emotional shelter, filled with understanding, support, and warmth. The person you love is like a safe harbor in the stormy seas of life.

How to Know You’re in Love | Seeing Beyond Flaws

When you’re in love, you don’t just tolerate but truly accept the person in their entirety, quirks and all. You see their shortcomings, not as flaws, but essential parts that make them uniquely who they are. You admire their perfections and embrace their imperfections, understanding that nobody is perfect, not even you.

Valuing Their Happiness as Your Own

Finding yourself genuinely invested in the other person’s happiness often suggests you’re in love. In love, their joy becomes your joy and their pain becomes your pain. This empathetic connection builds a strong bond, one that is able to weather adversities.

Envisioning a Shared Future

It’s often a significant sign of love when you can’t visualize your future without them. When you make plans, whether it’s for next month or five years from now, they’re there, an essential part of your journey.

How to Know You’re in Love | Enduring Love is Resilient

Finally, love is resilient. Love motivates you to stick it out even during hardship because you believe in the strength of your bond. The challenges you face together aren’t roadblocks— they’re opportunities to grow together, to further understand each other, and to build a dynamic that’s virtually unshakeable.

Remember though, love looks and feels different to everyone. It’s an experience that is deeply personal. Trust your feelings, listen to your heart, and let love guide your journey. After all, love is a journey, not a destination.

Everyone’s Favorite Four-Letter Word: Defining Love in Your Terms

What does love mean to you? It’s a question that warrants an honest answer. Love can be endearing, nurturing, explosive, and every bit as comforting as a hot cup of coffee on a freezing winter morning, or as exhilarating as a roller coaster ride. But what does it mean to you?

Love doesn’t wear a one-size-fits-all tag. Your definition of love shouldn’t be influenced by Hollywood rom-coms, cheesy novels, or romantic poems. Instead, it should be based on your personal experiences, values, and aspirations.

Romantic love, familial love, platonic love, self-love – each carries its own weight and meaning. Within those broad categories, there’s your own, unique interpretation. Because whether you’re a hopeless romantic, a pragmatic partner, or a bit of both, your love can look different from anyone else’s.

Your experience of love means sharing your most intimate secrets in a soundproof room of two, or whispering sweet nothings over a busy dinner table. It’s the silence of understanding, or the chorus of shared laughs. It’s the daily grind, or the special moments. All these scenarios are love, and it’s up to you to define what this four-letter word means to you.

Take a moment. Reflect on it. What does love look like to you? How do you feel it? How do you express it? There isn’t a wrong answer. There’s only your answer. And once you discover that, you’re well on your way to recognizing love when it makes an appearance in your life.

Remember, defining love in your terms is empowering and essential. It enables you understand what you need from a relationship, instead of trying to fit into a standard definition that doesn’t quite resonate with you. And that’s okay. After all, it’s your love, your terms, your life.

Love or Infatuation: Breaking Down the Differences

Before we continue, it’s essential for you to understand the fundamental differences between love and infatuation. Often, these two powerful feelings get tangled up and misinterpreted, especially when they come rushing in like a torrent of emotions. So let’s break it down, shall we?

1. Duration: Temporary Infatuation vs. Long-lasting Love

Infatuation behaves much like a sparkler. It burns brightly and intensely for a brief moment then fades quickly, leaving just a residue of what once was. Love, conversely, is more like an ever-burning ember. It keeps on glowing, often flickering but enduring despite the challenges and constraints time throws at it. If your feelings for somebody are still going strong after a substantial amount of time, you might just be in love.

2. Foundations: Surface-level Infatuation vs. Deep-rooted Love

Infatuation is often based on superficial features—appearance, status, or certain idiosyncrasies that you find attractive. On the flip side, love is rooted in profound appreciation of the entire person, including their virtues and vices. When you love someone, you accept them as they are, fully recognizing them and seeing their inner essence.

3. Objectivity: Distorted Infatuation vs. Realistic Love

When you’re infatuated with someone, your perception might get distorted. You idealize them, seeing only their best aspects and ignoring their faults. But when you’re in love, you see your partner for who they truly are, with all their imperfections, yet you still cherish them. After all, love isn’t blind—it sees but it doesn’t mind.

4. Security: Jealous Infatuation vs. Trusting Love

Infatuation can lead to obsessive feelings of jealousy and possession. It wants the other person’s attention all the time and fears losing them. Love, in contrast, is grounded in trust and understanding. It’s secure enough to give space, to respect the freedom and individuality of the other person, and does not fear the potential separation anxiety.

Understanding these distinguishing characteristics between love and infatuation will go a long way towards helping you recognize when you’re genuinely in love. Remember, it’s not the intensity, but the longevity and stability of feelings that matter most when it comes to love.

Beneath the Surface: Physical Signs Your Body Screams ‘You’re in Love’

When it comes to love, the body often has its own language. An increase in happy hormones like oxytocin and serotonin, a quickened heartbeat when you see the person, and even having trouble sleeping could all be signs that you’re falling in love.

1. Expressive Eyes: The Window to Your Heart

You’ve probably heard the saying that the eyes are the window to the soul. When we’re attracted to someone, our pupils naturally dilate, an involuntary response rooted in human evolution. The fascinating thing about the eyes is that they can’t hide authenticity. So, those starry-eyed looks that you can’t seem to stop giving your partner? They might be an evident sign that you’re falling head over heels.

2. Racing Heart: The Love Beats

Is your heart skipping a beat at the mere thought of that special someone? This isn’t just poetic language. Love can actually speed up your heart rate. Research says that when you’re in love, the adrenaline in your body tends to make your heart pump faster. In other words, your racing heart may be much more than just anticipation or excitement; it may be a physical sign of love’s arrival.

3. Butterflies in the Stomach: A Flicker of Love

If you feel those famous butterflies in your stomach whenever you see or think about the one you love, this could be your body’s way of signaling that you’re in love. It’s a literal gut reaction, caused by a surge of adrenaline in the body when you’re in love. Yes, it might make you a little nervous, but it’s a surefire sign that your emotions are kicking into high gear.

4. Trouble Sleeping: Love is the Best Lullaby

As odd as it may sound, if you can’t fall asleep because you’re thinking about the person you unwittingly fell for, it might be a hint that you’re in love. After all, as Shakespeare once said: “Love’s stories written in love’s richest books. To fan the moonbeams from his sleeping eyes.” And that may involve forfeiting some slumber.

There you have some physical signs that your body could be showing that you’re in love. Of course, everyone experiences love differently, so these are not definitive proof, but rather signals to look out for.

The Involuntary Smile: How Love Affects Your Mood

Love tends to paint the world in vibrant colors. You feel energized, relieved, and overall happier. Does it sound familiar? Let’s dig into how love gives you that glow and what science has to say about it.

Natural Mood Enhancer

Ask anyone who’s been in love, and they’ll tell you – the feeling of a crush can brighten your day like few things can. Neurologically, love triggers the release of dopamine, the brain’s pleasure chemical. This gives you an undeniable joyful high, making you giddy with happiness, leading to that charming, inevitably irresistible smile on your face.

Boost in Self-Esteem

It’s common for people in love to feel better about themselves. Your feelings are mirrored in your significant other, making you feel validated, appreciated, and cherished. As a result, you’ll notice a positive shift in your self-perception and self-worth, providing a healthy boost to your self-esteem.

Joy in Shared Happiness

The happiness you derive from seeing your partner happy, content, and fulfilled is a prominent sign of you being in love. This shared joy builds an emotional connection, strengthens your bond, and deepens your feelings for each other. Love has the magical power of making you happier when you’re around the person you love, and their happiness becomes your happiness, making your smile glow even brighter.

Profound Connections: How Love Deepens Relationships

Being smitten with someone doesn’t merely change how you view yourself—it affects how you interact with others, too. In love, we foster deep connections not only with our partner but with the world as a whole. Love fosters meaningful ties that extend beyond romantic relationships, impacting friendships and family interactions.

Love Penetrates Emotional Barriers

When you are in love, you find yourself opening up, expressing thoughts and feelings you’d otherwise keep private. You let down your emotional guard, daring to be vulnerable in the presence of your loved one. This emotional transparency enables profound connections to flourish, deepening your bond and fostering trust, intimacy, and understanding within your relationship.

Love Promotes Empathetic Understanding

Being in love can also transform your ability to understand and sympathize with others. You find it easier to place yourself in your partner’s shoes, experiencing their joys and anxieties as if they were your own. This empathetic understanding creates a shared emotional landscape, inviting you and your partner to navigate life’s ups and downs together—thus encouraging growth and strengthening your relationship.

Love Inspires Positive Changes

Love acts as a catalyst for positive change in oneself. You’re driven to better yourself, not just for your own sake, but also for your beloved. Such transformations could range from adopting healthier habits, nurturing personal growth, to refining social skills. These changes can positively impact your relationships across the board, even outside your romantic involvement.

Mature Love Cultivates Shared Experiences

Almost nothing deepens a relationship more than shared experiences. Whether it’s navigating challenges, pursuing mutual interests, or creating memories, love fuels the desire to spend quality time together. These shared experiences provide a common thread that binds your lives, strengthening your emotional bond and continually bringing you closer together.

Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you’ll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They’re added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

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The Inner Workings of Your Heart: Understanding Your Emotions

Have you noticed a new spectrum of emotions burgeoning within? This could be a telltale sign that you’re head over heels in love. Your emotions, both quiet whispers and deafening roars, play a pivotal role in decoding the language of love. Understanding them isn’t always easy, but it’s utterly rewarding.

An Eruption of Happiness

Remember that bounce in your step, the uncontainable smile, and an unusual bubbling up of joy? Being in love often ignites a fireworks display of happiness inside us. Observing these joyful emotions and their frequency can provide vital cues that you are in love.

A Dance of Desire and Longing

When in love, you might find yourself oscillating between desire and longing. Desire to spend every waking hour with the person, blended with a longing when they’re not around – a dance of emotions that can often point to your heart falling in love.

A Soothing Wave of Calm

Amidst this thrilling rollercoaster ride of emotions, you might also experience a peculiar calm. A serenity that stems from the security of being cared for and valuing someone deeply. If this peaceful emotion washes over you when thinking about your significant other, it’s a strong inclination toward love.

Pangs of Jealousy

No exploration of love’s emotional landscape would be complete without mentioning jealousy. While it is often misconstrued, a dash of jealousy is natural when in love. It’s the concern of losing someone cherished. But beware! If this emotion flares up frequently or violently, it’s necessary to address it healthily and honestly.

A Symphony of Emotions

Welcome to the symphony of love’s emotions – a splendid and complex composition that’s uniquely yours. Understanding these emotions can serve as your compass, guiding you through the labyrinth of love. So pay attention to them. They might whisper or scream, either way, they’re telling you something significant about your heart’s situation.

The Love Evolution: How True Love Grows Over Time

Embarking on a voyage of true love is not a linear journey—it’s a continuous cycle of growth and discovery. Just like a delicate sapling that eventually grows into a strong, sturdy tree, love, too, takes time to mature and become deeper.

Love in the Early Stages

During the early stages, love is like a beautiful, blooming flower, mesmerizing and intoxicating with its vibrant colors and stunning allure. This is where physcial attraction and infatuation hold sway. But as time passes, like a flower that wilts only to bear fruit, love transcends its initial stages, offering something more substantial, more fulfilling.

Remember when you first fell head over heels for your significant other? The palpitations, the wide grins, and those never-ending conversations? That’s the ‘honeymoon phase’ or the ‘passionate love’ phase as psychologists call it. It’s characterized by a high degree of intensity and enveloping euphoria. It’s exciting and exhilarating, but it’s also unstable—much like actual honeymoons, it doesn’t last forever.

A Few Years Later

Fast forward to a few years, or even months, into a relationship. The lightning bolt of infatuation is replaced by a glow of warmth and comfort—that’s the shift towards ‘companionate love’ happening. As the fires of passion take a backseat, what steps in is a deeper sense of intimacy, commitment, and trust. It’s less about the thrills and more about the comfort and security that comes with truly knowing and accepting each other.

True love evolves with time. It deepens years into the relationship when you’ve gone past the surface-level knowledge of each other, navigating through life’s ups and downs together, sharing successes, failures, joys, and sadness. This is often marked with an enhanced sense of understanding, acceptance, and mutual respect.

Keep it Going

It’s important to remember, however, that like everything worthwhile, maintaining love requires efforts. To keep your love evolving, you need to nurture it, invest in it. Surprise each other, show appreciation, have meaningful conversations, and continue dating each other, even if you’ve been together for years. Love that lasts is love that is never taken for granted.

But most of all, evolution in love means evolving together—helping each other grow as individuals, and growing as a unit. It means building a shared narrative while also fostering personal growth. That’s how love not only survives but thrives. Because, after all, ‘happily ever after’ isn’t a destination—it’s a journey, a continuous process of growing, nurturing and evolving love.

Wrapping Up: How to Know When You’re in Love

So, how can you tell when you’re truly in love?

Love feels comfortable, yet exciting. There’s a sense of peace, even when things go awry. You know, deep down inside, that you can weather whatever life throws at you as long as you have your special someone by your side.

Second, being in love means accepting and loving your partner for who he is—flaws and all. He’s not perfect, but in your eyes, he’s just right, in all of his perfectly imperfect glory.

Third, a clear sign you’re in love is when you start valuing his happiness as much as your own. His smiles bring joy to your heart and his tears bring a lump to your throat. True love means caring about his wellbeing, sometimes even more than your own.

Envisioning a future with him is another hallmark of love. You see him in all your tomorrows. You want to wake up next to him, grow old with him, endure the ups and downs of life together—that’s real love.

Lastly, true love is resilient. It doesn’t burn out when the honeymoon phase is over. It’s not swayed by fights or conflicts. It endures, through thick and thin, highs and lows, till the end of time.

Figuring out if you’re in love can be a bit of a puzzle. But understanding how love manifests, recognizing its physical and emotional indicators, and differentiating it from other intense feelings, like infatuation, can make the picture clearer. The journey to uncover whether you’re in love can be baffling and overwhelming, but remember, love is just as much an art as it is a science, and the excitement lies in experiencing it.

So go ahead, soak in the beauty of love and never be afraid to follow your heart.