Understand Men and Build Lasting Relationships!It sounds so simple, and it is!
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Understanding Men and the Differences Between You
Before you start reading and decide to send me hate mail, know that I also coach men on how to modify their behavior to help your relationship work too.
You are a woman. You think like a woman and you feel like a woman. These are not bad things, but they’re a mystery to men. Just like it’s difficult for men to understand you, it’s difficult for you to naturally understand men.
In the past, you’ve sought advice from your girlfriends and your female family members, but today, you’ve come to the right place!
You’re seeking advice from a man! While you think you know how the male mind works, let me assure you, you do not. You’ve probably overcomplicated it, so I’m here to simplify things for you!
Understanding men isn’t just about understanding how a man thinks, but how he acts and reacts in different situations. I believe the infographic below provides the best explanation!
In this piece of the infographic, you can begin to understand what your guy is thinking as you interact.
As you can see, our female friend has lost control of her emotions and she’s spewing all kinds of crap at her guy.
Meanwhile, this poor guy isn’t even close to reacting in the way she thinks he will. He’s feeling unappreciated and lacks the desire to do what it is she truly wants him to do.
When you click on the image to the left, you can view the entire infographic, which also provides you with tools to repair these types of interactions, without yelling, crying or whining.
Understand Man Mode and Understand Men!
Understanding Man Mode is crucial to your relationships with men.
Because it helps you deal with the situations you find yourself in in a way that surprises the guy! Instantly, he is not only intrigued by your behavior, but he understands it because it is familiar. It’s the same way he and his guy friends act around one another. It makes sense to him. He can figure out his next step without any prompting from you!
And Then, There’s Perceived Freedom
You’ll love Perceived Freedom, once you understand it! Here’s an example:
Let’s say your guy wants to play golf this weekend with his buddies, but he also knows that you’ve got some stuff to get done around the house. In his mind, you won’t allow him to play.
He’s going to throw the idea of golf out there to you and see what happens. Your response, dripping with Perceived Freedom, shocks the heck out of him and intrigues him.
Instead of whining, pitching a fit or crying, you say, “Great! I’m going to go shopping with Sarah for her wedding dress and going out after! Have fun!”
Well. Our guy is now happy because he can go play golf, but he will also spend that time wondering what you’re doing. He got what he wanted, you surprised him with your response, and there was no argument!
He’s wondering where you went, why you didn’t argue with him and if there’s something wrong with the relationship. He’ll be stepping up his game!
This book on how to understand men has helped thousands of women in their relationships with women! It’s a great primer on uncovering the mystery of the male mind and a book you shouldn’t be without!
Men behave the way the do, not to annoy you, but because that’s how they are. This doesn’t mean you can’t learn to manage them. Learn to understand men and adjust their bad behavior.
Just like women, men come in a variety of types – the Momma’s Boy, the Introverted Shy Guy, and the Sexy Older Guy are just a few you’ll learn about. When you understand men like these, you can date them successfully!
How many times have you found a guy you thought was a great guy, only to find out he was a total loser? Never again after you read this book! You will understand men -which to keep and which to dump!
Understand Men and how Men and Women are Different
Men and Women Approach Dating Differently
He Wants to Have Fun
This sounds crazy, but once you read this, you will better understand men and you might be less likely to give up on a guy before it’s truly time!
When men date, they first date for fun. A guy wants to enjoy spending time with you, and no, fun doesn’t automatically mean sex. Fun means go bowling, hiking or just going for a walk together. Fun might mean watching a favorite movie you have in common or taking both your dogs to the dog park.
He wants to get to know you and the best way to do that is in natural settings, like those I mentiond above. Sure, a dinner date is okay, but it’s stuffy, even if it’s Taco Bell. You’re in public with poor acoustics and little space between you and those around you.
Instead of dinner, go do something fun. Get to know one another while you’re out experiencing life. He doesn’t care if you bowl a 50. He just wants to have fun!
If you think about it, this takes some of the pressure off you! Instead of worrying about how to do your hair or how much makeup to put on, which dress is just right and which shoes will be sexy, dress for a bowling night in comfy jeans and a nice top. Go bike riding in a sweatshirt, jeans and tennies.
Understand Men have NO CLUE about Milestones
I must admit, I was clueless about milestones until a few years ago myself. A relationship I was enjoying went completely kaput because the woman I was having fun getting to know was tallying up milestones. It was clearly a case of not understanding women…something that rarely happens to me!
She was miles ahead of me in where the relationship was, and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late and she was hurt. Because she didn’t understand men and milestones, things turned out differently than they might have otherwise.
When you date, keep in mind that whole thing you just read about dating for fun. Don’t make too much out of whether or not he holds your hand or kisses you on the first, second or third date. If he invites you to have dinner with his parents, it might be for no other reason than he screwed up and double-booked himself. Rather than leave you out, he brings you along.
While this might mean he’s getting serious to you, to him, he’s avoiding conflict and making the best of a mistake he made. No more. No less.
When he kisses you, it’s because he likes you, not because he considers you to be one step closer to the altar.
If you begin dating for fun, instead of sizing up a man for marriage from the first date forward, you avoid heartbreak. There is no reason to think about marriage on date one, two or ten. Let things unfold naturally, without tallying up those milestones.
Treat First Dates Like Meetings
Oh boy, this one is tricky. Women tend to go all in with their heart, even on a first date. You see him and immediately, you feel those flutters and a lot of excitement. He’s handsome. He holds out your chair, his smile is to die for and you’re hooked. He is going to be the father of your children.
Slooooooooow down, my beautiful friend. When you understand men, you have a better set of tools to approach this situation.
How about taking some time to get to know him first. Again, this goes back to having fun. Treat those first few dates as meetings. Ask questions. Share little bits about yourself, but not too much. Probe a little and see what lies beneath his polished, or sometimes unruly, exterior.
This too takes the pressure off. If you stop looking at every first date as if it’s a marriage interview, you won’t be as nervous. All you’re doing is meeting a new guy to see what he’s like. How does he treat others around you? How does he treat you?
Take time, lots of time actually, to really get to know him before you decide he’s your one and only!
He’s Probably Dating Other Women – You Should Date Other Men
If you’ve just met this guy, he has no commitment to you, so don’t get all up in his grille when you find out he’s dating another woman or two. This isn’t so much about how well you understand men, as it is about taking a different approach to dating.
I know this seems like cheating, but unless you’ve been dating for a while and you’ve both agreed to be exclusive, this is not cheating, on either of your parts.
Dating more than one guy at a time actually provides you with the opportunity to compare. Do you like the down-to-earth guy who would rather be in cowboy boots than leather pointy toe shoes or is the guy in the dark suit and tie really melting your heart?
Take that time while you’re single to figure out what type of guy fits you best, then pursue him and kindly dismiss the others. If this guy is right for you, things will work out as they should.
Understand Men in Relationships
This is where things can quickly run off the rails! Women and men act very differently in a relationship. Here are a few of the most important differences.
Learn to Understand Men and Women and Communication
You’ve probably already figured this out, but take a few minutes to explore this topic from the male perspective.
It’s important to understand men have more of a ‘just give me the facts’ communication style. They aren’t overly wordy when they communicate either, which, I know, can be very frustrating to many women.
You may have noticed that you say something like, “Honey, my oil light came on.” At this point, you may go on to explain how the light went on when you and your friend Julie were coming home from Yoga class.
The thing is, he tuned out at “my oil light came on.” That was all the information he needed to move forward.
This extends into texting as well.
Women text lines and lines, but men, when receiving this type of text, will often either roll their eyes and completely ignore it, or defer reading it until later.
Any guy who’s engaged a woman in conversation knows that a long text either contains anger or high emotion and he isn’t usually well-equipped for either. Therefore, he isn’t interested in reading the text.
Don’t unload your emotions in a text, whether you’re excited, angry, upset or disappointed, it just won’t be something he wants to read. Now, this isn’t to say he isn’t interested in your problem, but he’s looking for the facts and where he can take action. He isn’t going to find that in the lines and lines of emotional text.
Instead, use texting to flirt and intrigue him. Use them for fun, not emotion. When used properly, texts can add a lot of great things to your relationship.
Did you ever wonder why a guy doesn’t respond right away when you text him? Have you ever been frustrated by a man who replies with one or two word answers, days later? Instead of being frustrated, learn how to text him in a way that fixes those problems and more!
Without knowing it, you’re making texting mistakes. Consequently, your relationships aren’t going as you would like. Learn how to text a man in a way that intrigues and excites him! Draw him in!
Understand Men and How they Show Love
Chances are good that you’ve broken things off with a guy because you didn’t think he cared about you. He didn’t say “I love you.” You dated for long enough that you felt it was time to hear those words. You felt it and you thought he felt it too, but he never said anything and, well, that biological clock is ticking so out he goes, in lieu of another guy.
Sadly, he might have loved you and you didn’t realize it – you didn’t understand men and how they show love. Allow me to explain.
Men show you they love you. Remember that conversation earlier, “Honey my oil light came on.” A guy who loves you will either be under that car changing the oil within a day or two or he will have it at the dealership getting the oil changed for you. When this happens, he’s showing you he cares.
You might say, in casual conversation, “I would love to have a shelf over that cabinet.” As soon as the words spill out of your mouth, he’s planning when he can get the wood and how he’ll mount it to the wall.
Yes, a guy can and will say he loves you with the words you long to hear, but don’t miss these other much more valuable signals.
By the same token, you telling him you love him isn’t nearly as meaningful as showing him. Drop by and pick up his clothes at the dry cleaner. Make his favorite dinner when he’s had a bad day. Take time to know what actions would be meaningful to him and pull them out of your bag of tricks from time to time.
This is a show of love he understands. Words are not as meaningful to him.
Men and Women Handle Loss and Disappointment Differently
When you suffer a loss or feel disappointed, your emotions are on overload, as well they should be, but understand that many men won’t know how to handle this.
Every time I write about this, my mind goes to the premier episode of The Big Bang Theory when Sheldon and Leonard are sharing their lunch with new neighbor Penny, who has just broken up with her boyfriend. She exits the room in tears while they sit there, shrugging their shoulders and completely perplexed, not knowing what to do. While it’s a truly funny scene, it’s also very, very true to life.
All sitcoms aside, men and women handle these situations very differently. When your guy comes home and announces that Joe got the promotion instead of him, have no doubt that he feels disappointed, but also understand that he probably needs to retreat and lick his wounds.
This doesn’t mean he loves you any less. It just means he needs time to process and figure out how to fix the situation. Most women don’t understand men and their need to deal with problems on their own first.
Whenever a woman writes me about a breakup, one of the questions I ask is whether he has gone through something big recently. Many times, the man has. It might be a divorce or the death of his childhood dog, but he’s gone through something emotional and he needs time to heal. Just the other day, someone shared with me that a couple I knew had broken up. This was a surprise as they had been together for a while. Then, my friend shared that the guy had lost his job right before the breakup.
At that point, I new he would probably be back, asking his ex to get back together again. Why? Because he needs time to retreat and regroup. He needs time to figure out how he will find a new job and move forward. Once he’s figured that out, he will be able to re-enter the relationship.
When you are experiencing something very emotional, do yourself and your guy a favor and talk it through with a female friend or relative first. Get your crying and anger out while you’re talking to someone who knows how to process those emotions. Then, once you’ve collected yourself, talk to your guy.
When he is experiencing something difficult, allow him time to retreat without padding along behind him, begging to know what happened. He doesn’t want to be nurtured and he doesn’t want to talk about it. He just needs time and if you give him that time, he will share and talk it over with you after he’s got it all figured out.
The Importance of Mystery and Challenge
Unless you’re completely new to this site and my books, you’ve heard about mystery and challenge already. It’s so important in helping you learn to understand men that it shows up in almost every book.
Before you dig into why this is so important to a man, you should understand that this is just as important for you! Most of the things you will read below cause you to stretch yourself in some way or another. They might encourage you to explore new things or grow in different directions.
As far as the guy goes, these things help him appreciate you, grow to love you and also remain engaged in the relationship. He doesn’t get bored and wander. You both have fun together and you build memories and intimacy. All good stuff for a relationship!
Understand Men and Challenge
For this discussion, think of the attention span of a man to be near that of a toddler, when it comes to dating. Men need challenge in order to stay interested. Remember, I said men date for fun at first and challenge is part of that fun.
How can You Challenge a Man?
Stay one step ahead of him
Get to know his routine and habits. If you know he always has lunch on Friday at a certain spot, get there a few minutes early and have his lunch waiting. If you know he always comes home and goes running, have his running stuff out and ready, but head out on your run ahead of him.
Turn back the intensity a bit
Some women operate at a very intense level and men do too. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but when you’re together, chill a bit and enjoy the moment. As you read above, guys aren’t great at highly emotional moments and they don’t deal with your intensity well either. Try to keep work discussions out of date night environments, dinner time and other times when the two of you are sharing something special. If he asks and seems truly interested, okay, but otherwise, make a point of enjoying one another.
Be brave and loosen up a little bit
If you really want to challenge a guy, face a fear. If he knows you’re terrified of heights and he hears about or sees you cross a rope bridge, he will be amazed and will definitely feel that challenge. This also adds a tinge of mystery as he begins to wonder what you’ll do next!
If you’re married, there will be serious moments in your relationship. You will need to discuss whether you want to make the move that comes with the promotion one of you was offered. You will need to get on the same parenting page when kids come along. Buying a new car or home will require discussion, but otherwise, relax a little bit and enjoy your life. Have fun together, just like you did when you first dated.
Help Him Stay Engaged
A bored man is an unhappy man and a guy will become bored with you when the routine of life sets in. It’s really inevitable that routine will come to pass, but still, there are things you can do to keep things from becoming boring.
For example, change your hair color or get a new haircut. Instead of your usual rocky road, get rainbow sherbet at the local ice cream hangout. Change things up at the coffee shop from time to time and get a caramel latte instead of mocha.
These are small but important things you can do to keep boredom at bay.
Resist the Urge to Maintain Control
Some women have very powerful jobs where they are in control. This is awesome! All I ask is that you allow him to have some control in your relationship. Let him chase you.
Allow him to plan some of your dates. Let him make some of the choices sometimes, like where you’ll get takeout or which movie you’ll watch.
Nobody wants to be bossed around all the time, so share those responsibilities with him.
Develop and Maintain Boundaries
A great guy will not only like that you have boundaries, he will respect them. Boundaries are what hold you to your own value system and give you the power to say “No” and stand your ground.
This is sometimes counter-intuitive. A low-confidence woman will often think she must give a man everything he asks for in a relationship, whether it’s what she really wants to do or not.
When you have boundaries, you’re able to easily say no to things you don’t want to do. A respectable guy will honor your boundaries and will actually like that you have them. Oh, he might still ask to have sex before you’re ready, but that doesn’t mean you need to say yes!
When a guy is out on a date with a woman, whether he’s just met her or he’s been married to her for ten years, he wants to be able to be challenged by conversation.
To do this, maintain a life, outside of your life with him, where you pursue hobbies and things you’re passionate about. Do things that stretch you or things you’ve previously found to be risky and then share those adventures with him.
Also, have a great story! Your great story is written by the various pieces of your life that have made you what you are today. If you’ve just met this guy or you haven’t been dating very long, only share your story in bits and pieces. There’s no reason to spill your guts on the first date. It leaves no mystery to be unraveled.
Gregg and four female dating experts discuss mystery and challenge.
Why Mystery is So Important in Your Relationship
Mystery is as important as challenge and it is a key in your journey to understand men.
Mystery keeps a guy on his toes and it also keeps him from becoming bored with the relationship. Both things you already know help to keep him interested.
Mystery in Online Dating
One of the easiest ways to lose any chance of mystery is if you’re meeting men online. You wink at one another, then someone sends an email, and before you know it, you’ve shared your entire life story with someone you’ve never met.
Has this happened to you already? You finally meet this guy and the date is totally flat. With nothing left to talk about, you both sit there, wringing your hands, wondering when it’s acceptable to leave.
Of course, that’s if you can get him to that offline date. Chances are, if you share everything about yourself in email, you’ll never even meet him. He’s no longer intrigued by you.
Instead of answering his every question, because many men fire off dozens or more in online emails, answer one or two and be a little evasive (temporarily) on the others. Let him know you would like to meet him before you share your life story. Ask him a few questions – but just a few. Pick things you read in his profile and ask about those, “Hey Josh, I see you enjoy marathon running. Did you run that half-marathon a couple of weeks ago?”
Whether you’ve tried online dating and been frustrated by it or you’re thinking about trying it for the first time, this book will help you find a great guy! It comes with lot of great exercises to help you work through the perfect online dating presence!
What do you write in your profile? How do you take the perfect profile picture? What can you do differently than the other women online? Learn this and more about getting yourself online and meeting great men!
Mystery in Offline Dating
Obviously the same holds true if you’re dating a man in person (not online first). It’s easy to get caught up in a big discussion about your life, especially if you begin to feel you have a lot in common.
I urge you to keep things light and avoid over-sharing. While he might seem eager for the information, later, he will realize there’s nothing left to tell and it won’t be fun for him any longer.
When you begin to notice that you’re doing most of the talking, stop and you can even acknowledge, “Gosh Brian, I’m just rambling on and on. Tell me about that adorable dog of yours.”
As an aside, the need to share everything is a low-confidence signal, usually felt in the form of nervousness. You can take care of that by instilling one belief – you are not interviewing for a position as his wife, you are determining whether he is good enough to date you! Place yourself in the role of chooser!
Understand Men and Mystery – Embrace Risk
A great way to be mysterious is to embrace risk. Sure, it’s safe to avoid doing anything risky, but you don’t grow that way. You don’t become a better version of yourself, day by day, if you don’t try new things and take a few risks.
Watching you take those risks, or hearing about them later, brings a lot of mystery into your relationship!
And risk doesn’t need to be some big deal either. Risk is more about taking a chance on something or facing a fear you have. You could take a risk by starting your own business or putting yourself out there to speak in public. Taking a risk could mean writing a book or starting a blog. Or, it could mean going bungee jumping or skydiving.
When you understand men, you realize that whatever it is that you feel is risky will be interesting to your guy!
Break the Label He Placed on You
You may do this without realizing it, and it’s a great way to pique the interest of a guy!
Here’s a great example. You meet up with some girlfriends at a local hangout, but you have to come after work, so you’re dressed up still. After ordering your drink, you begin to let down your hair, literally or figuratively. Maybe you slide off your jacket, revealing an awesome tattoo or carefully chiseled biceps. Perhaps you do take down your hair, allowing your long flowing locks to bounce down your back. Then, you head out to the dance floor, shoes kicked off, to have a wonderful time.
Any guy who had seen you come in probably has his jaw on the floor because whatever label he had placed on you, based on how you appeared, is now broken. You turned it all on it’s head and shed that label. He’s blown away and he can’t wait to meet you!
Of course, to shed those labels, you don’t need to be so dramatic. The idea is that whatever first impression you think you’re making, turn it about 90 degrees to the left or right and watch their jaws drop! To understand men is to understand how powerful this tool can be in your toolbox!
The opposite might happen, in fact. Maybe your first date is a hiking date, so you wear jeans, a sweatshirt and some tennies. Your next date is out to dinner somewhere, so you’re looking hot in something not too revealing but still showing off what you’ve got. The label is broken and he’s awestruck!
The way you dress plays a huge role in what a man thinks of you. Many women think that they need to dress to show as much skin as possible in order to draw in men. These are women who don’t understand men!
While it’s true you will gain their attention, they aren’t thinking what you might imagine.
When a man sees a woman who is dressed in a way that’s too revealing, he immediately decides she isn’t a keeper. What does that mean? It means he doesn’t feel that a woman who dresses like this belongs in his life permanently. He may date you, but that’s just a time filler until a keeper does come along.
Dressing in this way screams low confidence and low self-esteem. It tells a man you don’t believe you have anything to offer but your body. I’m afraid this time, your mother was right.
So how do you dress? Keep your blouse buttoned past your cleavage, but not up to your neck. Wear something comfortable. If you want to wear a skirt fine, but don’t wear one that rises past your butt when you sit down. Nobody wants to see that.
I’m not telling you to dress like a frump queen, but find something that compliments your body without revealing too much. That’s how you draw in great men. The other way draws in players. Which would you rather date?
Break Your Routine
Being a creature of habit feels safe. You know what to expect and when to expect it. The problem with routine, however comfy it may feel, is that it’s boring.
Remember, to understand men is to understand that boredom and men don’t go very well together in a relationship.
This, like the other things you’ve read, isn’t as complicated as it sounds. All you need to do is change things up from time to time. If Friday night is always Mexican night, be really daring and have Italian or Asian fusion. Drink a different flavor of coffee. Wear your hair a different way. Take a different route to work.
All these things help you as much, if not more than they help your guy.
How and When to Use Mystery and Challenge
Before you finish reading about Mystery and Challenge, there is one important thing to learn in your journey to understand men.
You don’t need to pull these out on a daily basis. In fact, if you do, they will lose their effectiveness. Use these strategies when you feel things need a boost.
If you see a guy who intrigues you across the room, try to break the label he may have formed about you. If you’ve been in a relationship for a while, surprise him with a new hair style or a cuddly kitten.
I recently heard a story of a young woman who had been dating this guy for a few months. Due to COVID-19, she lost her job and was bored out of her mind. Her boyfriend, a police officer, was still working, so she wasn’t able to fill her time with fun activities with her guy.
Instead, she dusted off the sewing machine she had been given years before, found a quilt pattern on Pinterest and got to work. She went shopping and gathered her supplies. By the time he saw her the next day, she had over 1,000 squares cut and was busy sewing them together in an intricate pattern.
To say he was blown away was an understatement. His girlfriend, who barely sat still, was making a quilt! Instead of wallowing in having nothing to do, she got busy and found herself a project. Three days later, she was preparing to do the quilting on her new piece. Talk about busting labels, being mysterious and challenging. She knocked it out of the park! She has him happily going with her to pick out batting and thread! He can’t wait to see what’s next.