When you’re dating someone with depression, all you want to do is make them feel better. You love them and you want them to get back to their old selves, but you don’t know what to do. How can you fix this?
The problem is that you can’t fix it. It isn’t your job. What then is your job? I’m guessing that, since you’re here, you’ve been scouring the Internet looking for ways to fix your guy. Your heart breaks at his despair.
What Not to do When Dating Someone with Depression
Let’s first examine the mistakes people make in this situation. You don’t do these things to intentionally cause harm, but they may do just that.
Don’t Argue with Their Feelings
People with depression often have very negative thought patterns. You telling them that they’re wrong doesn’t help them because they believe this very strongly.
You can try to tell him what a wonderful man you think he is, but he won’t believe you because his own negative thoughts are too strong.
Instead, you’re likely to cause a disconnect and greater distance between you, and that’s the opposite of what you’re trying to do.
Accepting him as he is is a very powerful way to show your support without trying to change his narrative. Try to encourage him to share his feelings, knowing that this is very difficult for a man. He might not really know why he feels sad or hopeless but sometimes talking it out can help the cause pop through.
Don’t Get Upset When He Can’t Participate
Depression makes people want to curl up in the safety of their space and shut out the world. It decreases sex drive as well.
If you have plans with him and he bails, don’t get upset. He’s battling his internal voices, and the battle is just too hard in that moment. Instead, be understanding and suggest you reschedule for another time. Let him know you understand and aren’t angry.
If your sex life has fallen off, it’s the depression. Don’t go into a long speech about whether he still loves you or if you aren’t attractive to him any longer. He simply isn’t interested right now. It’s the depression talking, not his love for or attraction to you.
When he bails on your plans, go out and do something anyway. You don’t need to flaunt it in his face, but he may find comfort in knowing he didn’t ruin your evening. Going out anyway can also help you avoid feeling angry or frustrated at a situation you cannot control.
Set and Maintain Boundaries
Just because he’s battling depression doesn’t mean he has a license to treat you badly. You should already have boundaries about how you’re willing to be treated and those should stay firmly in place.
Of course, this doesn’t apply to him canceling his plans on you, as you just read. It does, however, apply to times when he may lash out at you with coarse language or personal attacks.
It’s okay for you to say I’m really sorry James, but as I’ve told you before, it isn’t okay for you to speak to me that way. I’m going to head out for a while so we can both calm down.”
In saying this, you’re reminding him of the boundary – that it isn’t okay for him to speak to you that way, and you’re calmly extricating yourself from the situation.
You don’t need to walk on eggshells around someone with depression. They are still responsible for their own actions.
Don’t Spend 100% of Your Time on Him
It’s never healthy to make a man your hobby, and even less so when he’s battling depression. He needs time to deal with his feelings and you need to be sure you’re taking care of yourself.
In fact, sometimes it’s a good idea to find your own therapy to help you deal with the repercussions of dating someone with depression.
You may also discover a pattern in yourself that helps you understand why you are attracted to someone who’s battling depression, if this seems to be the type of man you find.
Don’t Fight this Battle Alone
There are support groups you can look to for support and guidance. These are people who have been where you are and feel what you’re feeling right now.
It’s okay to seek help for yourself as a way of helping your relationship. The people in these groups won’t shame you or belittle you, but they may help you see where you can do things differently, either for your partner or for yourself.
How to Succeed at Dating Someone with Depression
Now that you know what not to do, let’s look at some tools you can employ to succeed in this journey.
Watch for Signs of Suicidal Thinking
Suicide is a real danger to someone battling depression. There are signs you can look for to make sure your guy isn’t sliding into this state. These signs are from the Suicide Prevention Resource Center:
- Talking about feeling unbearable pain
- Having a fascination about death or talking about a recent death
- Feeling hopeless, worthless, or trapped
- Feeling guilt, shame, or anger
- Believing they are a burden to others
- A recent suicide attempt
- Increased drug or alcohol use
- Losing interest in personal appearance or hygiene
- Withdrawing from family, friends, and community
- Saying goodbye to friends and family
- Giving away prized possessions
- A recent episode of depression, emotional distress, or anxiety
- Changes in eating/sleeping patterns
- Becoming violent or a victim of violence
- Expressing rage
- Recklessness
Help Him Explore Treatment Options
There is no shame in exploring treatment for depression. There are drugs and treatments available to help the brain chemistry get rebalanced. Additionally, it can help to talk to someone who can help sort out all of the negative thought processes that are flooding his thoughts.
Suggest that he reach out to his family doctor for advice on how to proceed. You shouldn’t make these appointments for him, but you can talk to him about the help that’s out there.
Offer the Support He Needs
When you’re battling depression, even the simplest tasks can seem overwhelming. For example, “Can I help you look up that phone number?” or “Can I drive you to your appointment and wait outside?”
More general questions like how can I help might be too difficult to answer because they don’t know what they need.
Be careful, however, not to be pushy. If he says no, it’s no.
Acknowledge His Victories
Small wins are everything when you’re battling depression. Just getting up and putting clothes on can be a challenge.
While it’s important not to belittle him, it’s also important to help him see his small victories, as they are usually quite big to him.
“Joe, I’m so proud of you. I know it took a lot of strength.”
Be Loving and Concerned
When you battle depression, you usually feel pretty badly about yourself. It’s okay to tell him that you love and respect him, in fact, it may help in some small way.
But it’s also okay to tell him your concerns. Sometimes, this is the motivating factor for people seeking help. It isn’t their own feelings that sends them, but the concerns of others.
Jake, I love you and I know it’s difficult for you to get out of bed, but I’m concerned for you. I’m afraid that if you don’t get some help now, your job will be in jeopardy and that will only make things worse. I need you and I want you to get help.”
Skip the Judgmental Thoughts
People with depression feel isolated. It’s like floating on an island with no life raft and nobody to talk to.
If he does share something with you, don’t judge his thoughts. Instead, encourage him to share his thoughts.
My body just feels so heavy.
That sounds very challenging. Can you tell me more?
Gently, not forcefully, encourage him to share more about how he’s feeling. Sharing might be a source of light. He may feel a sense of connection that will help him feel less isolated.
Take Care of Yourself
Just because he’s battling depression doesn’t mean you toss your own care out the window. It’s more important than ever that you make sure to practice self-care. Take time for yourself, whether it’s a walk, reading a book, or gardening. Whatever you can do to feel like you’re recharging your own batteries is great.
Educate Yourself About Depression
Do your research, and not just a few blog articles. Look for professional work on battling depression and what that means.
Dating someone with depression can cause you to feel out of control of the situation. When you gain knowledge about something, it helps you feel more in control. You’ll see the depression for what it is and feel less likely to blame yourself, or your partner, for the depression.
The truth is that he can’t just wish away his depression. It doesn’t work like that. This is an illness, a disease, just like the flu or cancer.
Try to Get Him to Exercise with You
As difficult as it is to get out of bed for someone with depression, the benefits of exercise can’t be ignored. Even if you just get him to go for a short walk, you’re stirring up some endorphins that will help him feel a little better.
Dating Someone with Depression
In the end, this isn’t your problem to solve. The most you can do is be supportive and offer kindness and empathy.
Your guy is going through something that is, for the most part, beyond his control. What is within his control is seeking professional help, and your job there can be as a support system. Offer to help him find someone if it feels too overwhelming for him. Offer to drive him if he doesn’t seem to want to do so himself.
Patience with the situation will help you both, as will your flexibility with his inability to participate in your dating life sometimes.
Above all, know that this isn’t about you, so don’t make it so. He has enough battles without trying to battle your issues.
Group environments full of people who are going through what you are can be most helpful in your journey to be a supportive girlfriend. Make sure that you’re taking care of yourself too so that you can be the best version of yourself possible.
With professional help, he can heal from his depression and he will be grateful for your patience and support.
Having an effective self-care routine is crucial to your daily peace and happiness, but many people falsely believe that self-care is simply taking a hot bath with a glass of wine and some candles.
There are so many other ways to enjoy a self-care routine and this book walks you through them, providing you with many choices on how you can implement a self-care routine into your schedule.
