How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

Sometimes, you must face the inevitable point when it’s time to end the relationship you’d hoped would be your last.

You went into this relationship thinking he was the one, but then the attraction faded, and lust didn’t turn into love as you’d hoped. After two to three years, you see him for who he really is and it’s not a perfect match after all.

Sometimes, it’s not a lack of attraction or chemistry, but a misalignment of goals, cheating, or simply falling out of love. Regardless of the reason, there’s a right and wrong way to end the relationship and move on in a healthy way.

You owe it to one another, and to yourselves to end the relationship the right way. Before we go there, however, allow me to share a few reasons why a relationship should end.

Is There an Emergency Here?

Are you feeling the pain of a breakup? Do you feel as if your life has been turned upside down and you don’t know where to turn?

Whether you want him back or you want to move forward without him, a Personalized Emergency Breakup Kit can set you on the pathway to healing.

end the relationship

Why You Should End the Relationship

You Have No Emotional Connection

When you have an emotional connection with your partner, you feel safe sharing your vulnerability with him. You can easily discuss anything, or mostly anything with him because he’s your emotional rock. He will be there to pick up the pieces. He’ll hold you up when you feel like falling down. You both provide strength for each other. 

But if the spark disappears, this connection often goes with it.

The two of you engaged in friendly banter and enjoyed one another’s company, but now, even that feels strained. This is that emotional connection sizzling away. You no longer engage in meaningful conversation about anything. Being alone together just feels hard and is full of empty silence, fidgeting, and finally empty conversation to fill the void.

End the Relationship When You Don’t Feel Sexually Attracted

Sexual attraction can vary in a relationship, depending on what else is going on in your life. It’s natural, but if you find it difficult to come out of a low attraction phase, it might be a sign that things aren’t working anymore, but it’s not definitive.

Think back to when the two of you first had sex. How does that memory make you feel today? If these memories make you smile and have fond memories, all may not be lost. You’re probably still sexually attracted to him but there’s something else going on.

Then again, if you’re just not attracted to him anymore, it’s probably time to end the relationship and move on. When there’s no sexual interest between you, it’s a sign that the relationship is unhealthy and headed toward demise.

Someone Else Holds Your Interest

While you’re with him now, your heart flutters over someone else, or at least the idea of someone else. Maybe it’s a guy you’ve seen and briefly chatted with at the gym, a coworker, or a friend of a friend. Regardless of who it is, it’s not your current partner.

It’s okay to fantasize about other men, as long as it doesn’t steal your attention and affection for your partner. Fantasies become problematic when they invade that relationship space. When you’re in bed with your guy, he should be the one you’re thinking of, so if he isn’t, you know it’s time.

end the relationship

End the Relationship When You’re Being Asked to Change Who You Are

When someone loves you, they love you for who you are right now. He accepts your flaws, and probably even loves you for them. He doesn’t even see the nose you wish you’d had redone years ago. No. I take that back, he sees it and can’t imagine why you’d want to change it.

But when someone berates you into getting into better shape or finding a better job, it’s time to consider whether this is right for you.

Asking someone to use less salt when they cook or to avoid eating the peanuts that will surely send you to the ER is okay. That isn’t changing who you are fundamentally.

But when someone tells you that you’re not good enough for them the way you are, that’s on them. If you want to lose twenty pounds, go for it, but do it because you want to do it to improve your health or burn off stress.

He’s Supportive When Things are Good

Tanya and Brent had been together for several years. They’d recently purchased a house together and seemed to be a great couple. Then, Tanya got a new boss at work and he was a tyrant. On top of his poor managerial skills, he was new to the company and many of the things he railed at Tanya about weren’t correct.

Tanya came home from work stressed to the max. She wanted a hot bath, a margarita, and some candles so she could decompress. She expected that Brent would be her rock.

Instead, Brent sought out someone new. Not two days before, they appeared to everyone to be a happy, loving couple. If they arrived somewhere separately, he followed her home, pumped gas for her, and was there for her, but as soon as the sh*t came down, he sought out a new relationship.

Your guy should be supportive of you when things are good and when they’re bad. If you hit a rough patch in your life, a loving partner wants to help in whatever way he can. If it’s bringing you a new margarita while you cry in the bathtub, so be it. He’s there with a new salted glass full of margarita.

When he’s only there to share the good times but disappears or checks out when things are at a low point, it’s time to consider ending things.

You May Need to End the Relationship When Trust is Broken

I say you may need to end the relationship because it is possible for a couple to overcome a loss of trust, often caused by an affair. The catch is that you must both agree to do some couples therapy to get there. Only a professional can guide you through rebuilding your trust as nobody else can.

Trust is essential to any healthy relationship and when it’s gone, everything else fades away with it. You feel unloved, unsupported, unheard, unnoticed, and many other things.

Trust isn’t just broken with affairs. It’s also broken when promises aren’t kept. He promised to move closer in six months, but nine months have passed, and he isn’t even trying to do what needs to be done so he can make that move.

He promised to attend your big family event but bailed again at the last minute.

Maybe he promised to take you on a big vacation or to move in with you, but delay after delay keeps it from happening.

You can only make and break so many promises before all trust is broken.

End the Relationship When He Wiggles Out of Every One of Your Family Commitments

Your guy doesn’t have to like your sister to attend her birthday party. He’s there for you, not her. He’s there to be your support system and your friend.

If your friends and family question the mere existence of your guy, you may have a problem. Hanging out with one another’s friends and family is part of being in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if his mother always compares you to his other girlfriends, tough it out and be there for him. Of course, in that instance, you have every right to ask him to talk to her, but that’s a different problem.

The point is that when you’re a couple, you suffer through friend and family events for the greater good of your relationship.

The caveat is that this is reciprocal. If you want him to come to your stuff, you need to go to his too.

You Can’t Express Your Needs without Negative Fallout

You should never feel guilty for needing something, nor should you be berated for it or told you’re crazy. Everyone has their moments when, no matter what it is, you have a need to be met.

If we go back to Tanya and Brent for a moment, Tanya needed support. She didn’t want anything from Brent other than for him to be there with another margarita when she needed it, to turn on the hot water again, or to bring in new candles when the old ones burned out. She had a need to feel heard, loved, and supported. Instead, he found someone who wasn’t going through a difficult time in her life.

When you’re there for someone, you’re there. He shouldn’t be telling you how dumb it is for you to want to be there for your mother as she goes through something difficult. He should be there to support you when you find out your childhood dog died.

But sometimes, people are so wrapped up in their own stuff that they can’t see the needs of others. If it’s temporary, fine, but if it’s an ongoing problem, it’s probably time to end the relationship.

end the relationship

End the Relationship if He’s Hiding You

A man who won’t take you to meet his friends and family after a reasonable amount of time together is a man who’s hiding something from you.

When a guy is in love, he wants to show her off to the important people in his life, like his mother, or a favorite sister or friend. He wants his buddies to meet you because he’s proud to have you in his life.

He isn’t afraid to post photos of you together on social media, or even to take them with his phone.

A man who avoids introducing you to important people may be having an affair with you as the extra in his drama. This is a no-win situation for you because even if he eventually leaves that other relationship, you’ll be faced with a natural trust issue. If he did this to someone else with you, what’s to keep him from doing the same to you?

You Aren’t You Around Him

The best thing you can do for any relationship is to be yourself right from the beginning, but most of us aren’t. In my book, The Social Tigress, there’s a chapter on branding yourself and while this may sound harsh, we all do it.

When you’re single and you go out with your girlfriends, you pay very close attention to what you wear, how your hair is styled, and what you do with your makeup. You’re marketing yourself even if you don’t realize it.

If you create an online profile on a dating site or app, you’re marketing yourself.

In these marketing efforts, we all put our best foot forward. Only the best photos of you go on the profile, right? Of course.

But once you meet someone, you need to allow the real you to shine through. Sure, he may have initially been attracted to how you look, but men aren’t so superficial that they only go for looks. That might get him to say “Hello”, but it doesn’t get to eventually saying, “Goodnight.”

The problem comes into play when you can’t be yourself, either because he tries to stifle who you are or because you’ve shown him such a different version of yourself, and stuck to it, that now you can’t be the real you for fear of losing him.

In any case, he isn’t in love with you, he’s in love with the version of you that either he wants or you’re showing him, not the real you.

End the Relationship When You Both Talk About a Hypothetical Better Time Ahead

Your relationship shouldn’t be about waiting for the good times to come. You shouldn’t be waiting for the relationship to get better when some future milestone is hit.

He’ll appreciate me more once I can cook better.

We’ll have a better connection when we live together.

He’ll be more open with his feelings when we’ve been together for another six months.

You’re waiting for him to change, but he is who he is and there isn’t a thing you can do about it. Yes, people can change, but that doesn’t mean they want or intend to.

Instead of waiting for your relationship to be ideal in the future, look at what you have now. Can you live with things the way they are? If he’s not meeting your needs now, that perceived milestone in the future might not change a thing.

Your Goals are Different

A couple who wants to be together for the long haul should have shared goals. Not every goal should be shared, but the big ones are important.

For example, if he wants to travel the world but you want to advance your career, your goals are misaligned in such a way that it won’t work unless you negotiate the timing. You may agree to travel the world with him, but at a slower pace than he had in mind. If he’s agreeable, it might work, but if he wants to take two years off before making his big career move and you don’t, it may be time to end the relationship.

Sharing goals brings more intimacy to your relationship. When you’re doing things together, you’re developing memories and drawing nearer to one another. Intimacy isn’t just about sex, it’s about those shared moments that you’ll always remember.

end the relationship

How to End the Relationship

Now that you know some reasons for ending the relationship, let’s examine how you can end the relationship with style and respect.

Prepare Ahead of Time

Plan what you’ll say before you meet up with your guy. Don’t just decide to wing it. I know it’s a nervous time, but you’ll be less nervous if you practice a bit. Get a friend to help or practice in front of a mirror. Get your speech down and be prepared for his reaction.

Understand at the same time, however, that you cannot control his reaction. Trying to word things in a way that won’t upset him is futile. All you can do is remember to be kind, not to dump all the blame on him, and to be respectful of his need to speak.

End The Relationship Face-to-Face

Of course, it’s more comfortable to send a text or email telling him it’s over, but this is the chicken sh*t way out. Please don’t do this to anyone. He has time and emotions tied to the relationship too, and he deserves for the end to be a one-on-one conversation.

The exception to this rule is if there is physical abuse involved. In that instant, you’re running, not conversing. Otherwise, have enough respect for what the two of you shared to end it in person.

Choose the Right Place

Don’t end your relationship at your place or his but choose somewhere comfortable for both of you. It might be someplace public but somewhat secluded, like a park or a cozy coffee shop.

If you’re worried about him blowing his stack, in public is definitely a good idea, but if you think he’ll be calm about it, give him the courtesy of privacy when you end it.

End the Relationship and Be Respectful

One person is never the only responsible party in a breakup. You both have your roles. So, be respectful of him, and don’t dump this all on him. Own your part too and make sure not to make it a bashing session.

Respect also means being honest. Again, this doesn’t mean reciting every single thing he did to upset you but don’t lie either. Be general.

“Gee Brad, I think we just grew apart.” Or “You know, Jim, I think we just want different things now.”

This way, you’re ending it, but you’re not dumping on him, which would be unfair.

Make it a Clean Break

When you see he’s upset, you might try to mitigate that with some soothers like, “But we can still be friends” or “Let’s just see if time apart helps.”

If you don’t see a future for the two of you, this is unfair. I know you’re trying to make him feel better, but he’s still going to get hurt. It’ll just take longer.

It’s okay to be friends after a breakup but give him time to process the breakup first. Let him find his own way out of the situation and then reach back out, maybe in a few months.

End the Relationship but Avoid Arguing

Since you know this is coming and he probably doesn’t, he may be defensive at first and this can often lead to an argument. He may be angry and want to argue with you out of spite, or he’ll be blindsided and want to argue that you shouldn’t break up.

Either way, once your conversation devolves into an argument, it’s time to go. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by arguing with him.

You don’t need to be mean about it, but simply tell him you think it’s time for you to go, “Jim, I’d like to leave us on a happy note, so I’m going to leave before we start saying things we’ll regret.”

He may try to continue the argument by phone, text, or email. In that case, block him for a while, at least until his anger subsides. It’s very difficult to have an argument if you’re the only one arguing.

He’ll soon settle down and it’ll end.

Don’t Let Him Talk You Out of It

If he didn’t see it coming and is still in love with you, he may try to talk you into staying. If you have good reasons for leaving, don’t allow this to happen.

You’ll come to the same ending eventually and the hurt will be that much deeper.

It’s a normal reaction for the other person to beg you to stay. He’ll make promises like:

  • I’ll be better about pitching in around the house
  • If I try, I know I can stop belittling you around your friends and family
  • I know I can be a little cranky, but I’ll work on it, I promise

If he wants to make those changes, great, but let him work on those things by himself. If you did have something before and you aren’t interested in anyone else, he may indeed come to you in a few months a new and better man.

But those types of changes are best done when you’re single.

End the Relationship but Be Empathetic

While breaking up might be a relief to you, he may be deeply saddened. Try not to glory in your happiness while he’s down. If you’re happy, fine, but be empathetic to what he’s feeling at that moment.

It’s never nice to dismiss or ignore someone’s feelings, even if you don’t want to date him anymore. You can soften the blow by reminding him of something good like, “Before I met you, I didn’t even know how to boil pasta. You taught me so much and I’m grateful.”

Final Words on How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

Even though you’re the one ending it, your body will have a physiological and emotional response. Your mind is addicted to being in love, so it’ll play tricks on you to try to get you back out there faster than you should be.

Give yourself time to grieve the relationship and time to heal. Relationships change who you are. You learn new things, but you may give up some things too, like a hobby you enjoyed or participating in a sport you enjoy.

Sometimes, you even give up friendships in lieu of more time with your boyfriend. It’s time to revive all of those things and rejoin life. Doing so will help you find who you are again, and it will also help you through the grieving process.

I have a book that explains the nine stages of grieving a relationship, whether you initiated the breakup or not. It also helps you prepare yourself for a new relationship. It’s linked just below!

When you end the relationship in a classy way, you have no regrets and you leave your ex-partner with a better chance of moving forward in a healthy way too.

If you're ready to move on from this relationship, you're ready for He's Gone, Now What? This book walks you through the many aspects of dealing with a breakup, even if you're the one who initiated the breakup. Regardless of who started it, as they say, your body becomes addicted to the chemicals associated with being in love. The withdrawal process is as daunting as the withdrawal from cocaine.

You'll also learn about the stages of grieving a relationship and how to begin moving forward. You'll walk through the steps of preparing yourself for dating again and gain an understanding of how you can do so in a healthy, happy relationship.

You can learn more about the book here or you can purchase it by clicking one of the buttons below.

How to Not Date a Jerk

Have you ever wondered how to not date a jerk? They seem to be everywhere. No matter how hard you try to avoid them, they seem to ooze out of the woodwork like roaches waiting to pounce.

To be clear, today, we’re talking about lazy, unmotivated, broke, selfish guys who put on a heck of a show for the first few dates and then show their true colors.

Slow Your Roll

Take the time to get to know the man you’re dating, especially if he’s pushing you. Screen him with a phone or zoom call. If he checks out, schedule a daytime date in public.

Daytime dates offer him little chance to have sex with you and help reveal his true character. Don’t have sex with him or you’ll be blinded by your emotions. Hold off until he has proven himself to be worthy of you.

how to not date a jerk

How to Not Date a Jerk: Watch for Patterns to Emerge

Dating is like a marketing exercise. You both want to show your best side to the other person, so you try to hide any baggage and stay on your best behavior.

You won’t hear about the rash around his balls or his drinking problem, and you won’t have a clue that his ex is poking a look-alike voodoo doll of his face with sewing needles.

His true colors usually arrive near the three-month mark of your relationship. The curtain falls and the real man steps forward. He begins to feel comfortable with you and you haven’t dumped him yet, so he feels a little safer showing more of his true colors.

Until you reach this milestone, keep your emotions in check and try not to sleep with him yet. If he respects you, he’ll wait and so far, he hasn’t yet fully proven himself worthy of you. If he’s pushing for sex and trying to crash your boundaries, it might be time to let him go.

Don’t let this guy meet your kids until you’re sure he’s not just another jerk. This keeps them safe from harm and keeps them from falling for him, only to suffer disappointment later…again.

Date Multiple Men

Before you protest, know that he’s dating other women while you’re still in this early phase of getting to know one another. I recommend you do the same. This keeps you from falling too hard for him and allows you to keep your options open.

If you only date one guy at a time, you believe you can mold him into the guy you want. You don’t see that you have other options, and you fall too hard, too fast. You also don’t get a chance to compare different types of men with clarity.

You will never change this guy! Knowing how to not date a jerk means dating more than one guy!

how to not date a jerk

How to Not Date a Jerk | Know What You Want in a Man

Write down what it is you want from a good man. Think back to other men you’ve dated. What did you like about them? What did you dislike? Form a list of those criteria and look for men who have some of them. You’ll never find the perfect guy. All you need is the guy who’s perfect for you.

Know what your dealbreakers are. For example, do you want to date someone who drinks to excess? Would you rather not date someone in a dangerous job? This is a good exercise, as long as you don’t make the list so strict that no guy will ever qualify. Then, you’re just avoiding a commitment.

Embrace Being Single

After you exit a relationship, remain single for at least four months, preferably longer. I know you might feel lonely and all your friends are dating, blah blah blah. Knowing how to not date a jerk means taking time to reestablish yourself as an independent single woman first.

Doing this gives you time to get to know yourself again, rebuild your confidence, get a handle on the current dating scene and reconnect with friends, hobbies and passions that may have been set aside during that last relationship.

This break from dating also allows you to get over your last relationship fully so you aren’t carrying old relationship baggage into a new, potentially great relationship.

Are You Ready to End it?

Not all breakups are initiated by a man. If you're ready to end this relationship, go for it. Only you know whether you're happy and if the relationship is fulfilling your needs. It's possible that he feels the same way but you're both afraid to take that step. It's okay. Read some of the other articles on the subject by clicking below. They're here to help.

How to Not Date a Jerk | Meet His Friends

Spend an evening hanging out with his friends and watch how they treat him. Do they show him respect? Does anyone pull you aside and warn you about him? How does he treat them and any other women in the room?

Meeting his friends helps you know more about what he’s really like. What type of guys are they? Are they players? If so, so is he. Guaranteed. If they seem like upstanding guys who have steady girlfriends and jobs, then he’s an upstanding guy too.

Does he get drunk? If so, how does he act then? Does he become someone else entirely? Is he rude, discourteous, angry, jealous, and so on? This isn’t normal behavior for someone who’s drunk, so don’t let him tell you it was the alcohol. Many people can get drunk and be perfectly nice, funny people who never verbally or physically assault anyone.

Conversely, let him meet your friends. They will be bulldogs for you. They can ask him questions you either can’t or won’t. They can dig into his past and are better able to ask him embarrassing questions that might draw out those true colors of his.

The only caveat is that if they give you an opinion you don’t like or even a warning, you should resolve to listen. They aren’t wearing your rose-colored glasses and they have your best interest at heart. If they’re seeing a problem, there is one and you’re choosing to close your eyes to it.

Use Your Intuition

Your intuition is a very powerful tool and yet, you probably ignore it sometimes. We all do if our intuition is telling us something we don’t want to hear. Your gut may be telling you something with this guy is off. Listen to that gut instinct.

Take some time to honestly look at what’s giving you that gut feeling. Is it his behavior or something he said? Did someone else say something to you that’s niggling at the back of your mind?

How to Not Date a Jerk | Look at Your Patterns

Humans are creatures of habit and tend to repeat failures, rather than stop and examine them for potential lessons.

Take some time to look at the past men you’ve dated, especially the ones who squarely fall into the jerk category. What is it about these guys that attracts you? Do you like the feeling of rescuing someone? Is it that you somehow are afraid you aren’t worthy of great guys or you don’t feel as if you can attract men other than these guys?

Take that exercise from above and look at the bad qualities in the men you’ve dated. What about those qualities seems to keep drawing you in? The excitement of dating a bad boy? Are you trying to prove something to someone? Really take the time to examine the why behind finding these guys datable.

Form a list of those negative qualities and immediately dismiss any man who shows even one of them.

Last week, I sat down with a woman named Jennifer who also wondered how not to date a jerk. As we talked, she discovered that she chose broken men ever time. She sought them out. Even if a better guy was sitting right in front of her, she chose the fixer-upper guy instead.

This is a low-confidence, low self-esteem, and low self-worth move. This need to fix others is a way of avoiding fixing yourself. It places you squarely in a co-dependent relationship and those never work long-term.

What Jennifer needs to do is embrace being single, learn to become a confident, independent woman and then seek out a great guy who deserves her. She needs a dating time-out to find herself again and rebuild from the damage of her dating past.

This is called a co-dependent relationship and it will always fail. Her fix? Embrace being single and take my confidence courses along with understanding men. The result? Now she is killing it!

Wrapping it Up

Knowing how to not date a jerk is easy, once you know what to do:

  • Slow your roll
  • Look for patterns
  • Date multiple men
  • Know what you want
  • Embrace being single
  • Meet his friends
  • Look at your dating patterns
  • Trust your intuition

How to Heal from a Broken Heart

How to Heal from a Broken Heart

What you’re feeling right now is 100% normal and knowing how to heal from a broken heart and how to get over a guy will put you on the road to feeling better.

Regardless of what emotion you’re experiencing, I can guarantee you that somewhere in the world, someone else is feeling it too. Probably more than one someone. Breakups suck and they do a real number on your emotions.

When you first got into the relationship, everything was sunshine and roses. You felt great about yourself, and your ex probably validated those feelings by telling you how great you looked in a specific outfit or how much he loved you.

Then something happens and the relationship is over. What happened to him telling you he loved you? What about all those other nice things he said? And now, all of a sudden, he doesn’t want anything to do with you?

Turning your emotions upside down like this throws everything that was positive into a negative space. You might be more judgmental of yourself, believing whatever awful things your ex said to you in that last big argument.

But here’s the thing. Thoughts inform our feelings, and feelings play a role in how we act. When you feel down, you do things you normally wouldn’t consider, like skipping the shower…for three or four days or avoiding your friends and family.

It doesn’t matter if you initiated the breakup, or he did. You either feel guilty for ending it or you’re in shock, not believing how badly things spiraled out of control.

What you need to know is how to heal from a broken heart!

How to Heal from a Broken Heart at First

In the beginning, you feel like you’re all over the place. This is a great time to just stop and breathe. Breathe in for a three-count, then out for a three-count. Do this until you feel yourself calming down. Anytime you feel like you’re overly emotional, go back to this very simple, do-it-anywhere exercise. In and out for a three-count each way. Grieving the loss of a relationship isn’t much different from grieving the death of a loved one. You go through different stages of grief, but there is a defined set of stages that also inform how you act.

How to Get Over a Guy | The Stages of Grieving a Relationship

There are nine generally recognized stages of grieving a relationship.


The first stage for almost everyone is shock. During this phase, a few things hit you all at once, leaving you reeling:
  • You discover you’re replaceable in the heart of someone you love
  • You feel irrelevant in his life and possibly even disposable
  • You no longer identify as part of a couple, but as an individual
  • Everything seems foggy and you kick into survival mode to compensate
You’re no longer producing the hormones associated with love, so your body is facing altered chemical states. You may feel fuzzy and uncomfortable and not quite know why.


You tell yourself this isn’t real. This breakup couldn’t possibly have happened. He’s going through something, but he’ll be back. While this might be true, you must stay in the present and not fool yourself into believing he’ll be back. Instead of dealing with the breakup, you find that you’re still living as if you’re in a relationship. It’s a primal response to the breakup and part of your body’s way of denying the breakup. Your mind plays tricks on you in a desperate attempt to produce those love hormones again. Science shows that your mind is so strongly addicted to those love hormones that it’s easier to get over an addiction to cocaine than it is to overcome an addiction to love hormones (Fisher 2004). Denial can be tricky to recognize, but when you do, you slip into avoidance. During avoidance, which is part of the denial stage, you avoid facing the reality that you’re broken up. This is your mind’s way of protecting you from feeling the pain.

Desperate for Answers

This phase is just what it says. Now you’re looking for that one thing that you can do to fix it all. You’re looking for the why so you can undo it. This step is really an attempt to disprove all the why’s you can identify. If you can do that, you can prove to him that the reasons for the breakup aren’t valid and everything will return to normal. At some point, you’ll recognize that there are no good reasons for the breakup and you will slide into fixating on that instead. During this phase, you’ll drive your friends and family crazy!

You're a Survivor!

You might not feel like you can survive a breakup when it first happens, but if you look back in your life, you'll see that you've survived breakups before! This is a great article to help you, but there are others! Click the button below to check them out!

External Bargaining

This is one of the more creative phases. During this phase, you start bargaining with whomever it is you bargain to, and you promise you’ll do anything to get your ex back.

You are superwoman and can singlehandedly fix everything that was wrong with the relationship.

This isn’t a rational thought process. It’s completely emotional. If it were rational, you would realize that you can’t change the past.

The two questions to ask yourself during this stage are:

  • Are you the only person at fault, or does he own some of the blame?
  • Would changing things in the past really make things different today?

Those answers will become clearer as you proceed through the stages.

Internal Bargaining

Internal bargaining statements begin with “If only I had…“.

  • If only I had cooked his favorite meal more often
  • If only I hadn’t asked him to take the trash out when he was already stressed
  • If only I had done that thing in the bedroom that he kept begging for

You will drive yourself crazy imagining how things could have been different if only you had been different.

Of course, rational thinking tells you that you can’t go back and change the past, nor can you guarantee that if you had done something different, the outcome would be different.

Unfortunately, nobody I know has a time machine, so we can’t change what has happened in our past. All we have is our future.


For some couples, breaking up and making up is just what they do. It’s more of a ritual than a special event.

Instead of making this a true breakup, it might make it seem as if this time is temporary too. He’ll be back as soon as he comes to his senses. Your main goal in this phase is to try to convince him to try one more time.

This isn’t really about that, though. It’s about trying to alleviate the pain of the breakup. If you can get him back, you won’t feel so icky.

The problem with this line of thinking is that you’ve broken up and gotten back together, now finding yourselves broken up again for one reason.

Nothing has changed. You’re the same two people still making the same mistakes as last time. Neither of you has tried to improve or change anything.

Therefore, the cycle will continue until one of you stumbles onto someone else during an off-again phase of your relationship.

Initial Acceptance

Once you find yourself here, you’re making progress. You experience moments of clarity when you can see a life without your ex. Unfortunately, those moments are sprinkled in amongst the other stages.

But there is good news. Each time you cycle into initial acceptance, you spend more time here and less time in the other phases. The higher your confidence becomes, the longer you’ll hang out here.


You knew anger had to be one of the stages and here it is, but it comes in two forms, depending on how fresh the breakup is.

At first, you’ll turn the anger onto yourself. You’ll pour over all your shortcomings, blame yourself for everything that went wrong and be angry with yourself.

You’ll see all your perceived flaws as reasons for the breakup:

  • I’m too fat
  • I’m too ugly
  • My nose is too big

This phase of grieving the breakup is all about placing blame. When you stop trying to blame someone, you’re moving out of this phase. The trick to this phase is learning to be responsible for your own emotions, including anger. Then, you can control it and once you can do that, you can start pulling your life back together.

If the breakup is older, you’re probably angry with your ex. Either way, the goal is blaming someone for what happened.


The only time humans truly feel hopeless is when they’re facing death. Otherwise, the feeling of hopelessness has a shining light somewhere. There is a glimmer of hope to grasp onto.

Hope shows up in many ways during the grieving process. At first, you’ll hope for reconciliation. Later, if you decide you don’t want him back, you’ll hope to survive without him or to find someone else.

Once you reach that point, you’re well on your way to building on your accomplishments and confidence. Hope will be closer at hand.

And So…

All of that text was to basically say that what you’re experiencing right now is normal. By understanding the phases you’re going through, you can recognize any risky behavior you might be considering as related to a phase and make a course correction.

These stages aren’t linear. Everyone goes through them differently. You might stay in one for a few hours, days, or weeks. There’s no right or wrong, and don’t let someone tell you otherwise.

Each time you experience a phase, it will be better than the last. Of course, the fun part is that since these stages aren’t linear, you never know which one will hit next, so it’s important to know what they are so you can quickly figure it out.

Building your confidence will help you feel much better.

how to get over a guy

How to Get Over a Guy | Honor Your Emotions

Too often, we try to stuff our emotions down and not feel them. We judge all emotions as wrong, especially if we really get caught up on them. But they aren’t wrong and it’s very important to feel them. If you’ve read some of the other breakup articles on this site, you may have seen this analogy before. Emotions are like leaves floating down a stream. They approach you, then hang out in front of you for a while, then they float away. Of course, the fear many people have is that they won’t float away. There is a fear that if you allow yourself to feel sad, you might not ever feel happy. But look at that statement – if you allow yourself to feel sad. That’s the key! You are in control of what you feel and for how long. Envision that sadness floating away from you, just like it floated in. You can control when it leaves.

How to Heal from a Broken Heart | Do Something

I know you might not feel like going to lunch with a friend but do it anyway. Push yourself to re-engage in life with the people who love you. This is especially important if you’ve set aside those relationships in lieu of your relationship. The odds are that when you get back home, you’ll feel better than you did before you left. Getting out and trying new things, meeting new people, and experiencing life again helps you start to feel as if life might become normal again.

How to Get Over a Guy | Take Good Care of Yourself

As you journey through the stages of grieving your relationship, remember to take care of yourself. It’s so easy to let yourself go, especially if you’re feeling really depressed. Keep your hygiene up, get up and get dressed every day, and take time to appreciate things around you, like the birds chirping, the beauty of falling snow, the smell of fresh rain, or whatever else is around you. Be sure to eat a healthy diet and get some sort of exercise, even if it’s just a walk around the block. The walk will help dissipate some of those stress hormones and a healthy diet will keep your motor humming. Take a bubble bath or go get a massage. You deserve to be taken care of, and there’s nobody better suited for the job than you. Practicing self-care reminds you that you are important too, not just those you love. It improves your self-worth and helps you feel less overwhelmed and anxious.
how to heal from a broken heart

How to Heal from a Broken Heart by Letting Go of the Past

It’s so easy to get stuck in the past, especially during a breakup. As you learned in the stages of grieving, there are times when your mind will naturally go back there. If you and your ex get back together sometime in the future, it will be a new relationship. The old one was broken and it’s time to let it go. It’s time to let go of all the mistakes you feel you made, and it’s time to let go of the mistakes you believe he made too. Nothing good comes from staying stuck in the past. In fact, it disables your ability to move into the future. Take off the rose-colored glasses you’re wearing. See your ex and your relationship for what it was, whatever that is. He wasn’t perfect, and neither were you, but for a while, you seemed perfect for each other. That doesn’t mean you’re perfect for each other forever, though. The key to acknowledging those thoughts is to treat them like those leaves going down the stream from before. Don’t judge them or apply any importance to them. Acknowledge them and let them pass. Witness them, but don’t apply any importance to them. See the thought and let it go. When you judge something, it brings negative emotions because your expectations weren’t met, so don’t judge. Just let it go on by.

How to Get Over a Guy | Turn Your Negative Thoughts into Positive

Breakups bring on a whirlwind of negative thoughts and negative self-talk. Instead of wallowing in all that negativity, make a list of good things you’ve done, either in your relationship or on your own.
  • I volunteer once a month to pack meals for Meals on Wheels
  • I made his breakfast when he was planning to have a big day at work
  • I always reminded him of important dates, like his mom’s birthday
  • I take time to help others when needed
You are more than your relationship experiences and your perceived mistakes. Some other things you can inject include:
  • I am enough
  • I’m perfect just as I am
  • I am not my mistakes
Work on letting go of the negative thoughts that are swirling around in your beautiful brain. You’re not that person.

How to Heal from a Broken Heart | Avoid Contact with Your Ex

The best thing you can do to heal and to get him back if you so desire is to break contact with your ex. There are a few bonuses to breaking contact, such as:
  • Allowing you time to put the relationship into perspective
  • Giving him time to get over his negative feelings about you and the relationship
  • Diminishing the importance of the relationship and breakup so you can heal
  • Focus on your own needs
  • Sever the bond between you (even if you want him back this must be done)
  • Give him time to miss you and appreciate your relationship again
There are other benefits as well, but those hit the highlights. If you want your guy to return to you, this is a must. If you want him to leave you alone, breaking contact gets the ball rolling. If you and your ex share children, this can be tricky. If the communication between you is antagonistic, ask someone else to manage the handoff of children. It isn’t good for your kids to see this in the two of you and it isn’t healthy. If you do have to see him, keep the conversations to the kids and not your relationship. The same is true if you work together. Don’t discuss anything other than work and don’t allow any bitterness of the breakup to seep into your workplace. It’s unprofessional and will only hurt you in the long run.
how to heal from a broken heart

How to Get Over a Guy | Fall in Love with the Life You Have

It’s so easy to want a different life. Everyone wants more than they have, but why not be happy with where you are and what you have now? Your life isn’t really all about this loss, even though it feels like it is. What is there in your life that’s good? Your job? Your dog? Your connection to family? What do you want to accomplish? What goals do you have? Where would you like to go? Who would you like to be in your career or your personal life? What hobbies interest you? Are there causes you feel strongly about? How can you help? Embrace life as a single woman. This empowers you to do whatever you want whenever you want. There’s nothing wrong with being single. In fact, it’s when you’re single that you can best prepare yourself for a new relationship. At the bottom of the page is a great book to help you do this. Riding Solo is the book I wrote after hearing from so many women about being ashamed of being single or wanting to shed the stigma of being single.

How to Heal from a Broken Heart with Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something people often misunderstand. They say they don’t want to forgive someone because it makes what they did okay. That isn’t what forgiveness is about. In fact, you don’t even need to tell your ex that you forgive him. When you forgive someone, you release the bitter feelings you are holding onto. You stop focusing so much energy on the negative feelings you have toward that person and you get all of that out of your head. Being angry with someone takes up a lot of your energy. When you release them with forgiveness, you free up a lot of mental energy and wasted time. People often say that when you hold onto anger, you’re allowing someone to live rent-free in your head and I think that’s a great way to think about it. How much longer are you willing to allow this person to poison your thoughts? Whether you realize it or not, it’s negatively impacting your life. If you struggle to forgive him, write him a letter. You don’t even need to mail it. Just write it. Pour it all out onto the paper. Just be sure that you finish with “I forgive you.” Once you’re done, tear it up, shred it, or burn it in the fireplace. You’ll feel better!

How to Get Over a Guy | Wrap Up

Knowing how to heal from a broken heart helps you move forward into a healthier relationship. Once you’ve healed from the past, you can begin to see and experience a new, happier future. Allowing yourself to feel the emotions that come along without judgment, and to let go of the past are two great steps that will take you a long way in your recovery, as will forgiveness. These can each be difficult steps to take at first, but the more you practice, the better you’ll get, just like with anything else. Get back out there and life your life. Find things to be passionate about and dig in. Develop or rekindle hobbies and practice regular self-care again. Your next great relationship is out there waiting for you to sort it all out, but don’t worry, he’ll wait patiently!

Knowing how to not date a jerk includes embracing your single life and taking the time to become a confident, independent woman. Riding Solo, a book written specifically for women who want to do just that, walks you through overcoming the stigma of being single on to becoming that independent, confident woman. This places you in the best possible position to find and date wonderful, great men who are not jerks.

Stop Questioning Yourself and Start Following Your Woman’s Intuition

Stop Questioning Yourself and Start Following Your Woman’s Intuition

There’s a strong force within you that cannot be explained.

There’s no pie chart, scientific proof or college course to describe this power.

It’s the opposite of logic.

You were born with it and it cannot be sold.

It is dead-on accurate.

What is it?

woman's intuition

It’s a woman’s intuition!

How many times have you had that feeling in your gut that you didn’t listen to?

That voice pushing you to dump the guy, quit your job or move to Paris?

But you didn’t listen to her because it was just a sudden urge and “a sudden urge” shouldn’t be trusted without further exploration.

But that further exploration never comes because you’ve already decided it was just a crazy thought.

And the urge passes…again.

Two years later, you find out that your boyfriend was cheating all along.

Five years later, the job you knew was a dead end no longer exists – the company shuttered its doors.

You should have trusted your woman’s intuition!

I’m Gregg, a man who knows a lot more about your intuition than you do. Yes, I do!

How? Because I know how men think. And I realize that nine times out of ten, had you gone with your woman’s intuition, you would have solved your problem.

And if that’s the case with men, doesn’t it make sense that your woman’s intution might be spot on with other parts of your life? Your career? Who you hangout with? That trip that you said no to?

I get loads emails every day from women like you and I immediately recognize that they’re upset about something because they didn’t trust their woman’s intuition…again.

They blame themselves over and over for failed relationships.

And when I ask them what they feel inside – they come up with the right answer, the answer I know to be true almost every time!

woman's intuition

It’s amazing!

And yet, they don’t use the most powerful tool they possess, why?

Because if your confidence is low, you don’t trust yourself to have good thoughts. You might not think you deserve a job better than the one you have. You might mistakenly think you deserve a guy who treats you like crap.

Sometimes it happens because we pretend to be someone we aren’t. We make decisions to make other people happy. Sometimes we make poor decisions that go against our true urges for reasons we do not even understand.

A Woman’s Intuition Conclusion

Maybe you didn’t follow your interior decorating career because your folks pushed you towards the family dry cleaning business. 

I’m here to say that it’s not to late to alter your course. You don’t always need to be rational. You don’t need some extra analysis to confirm what you believe to be true. Your urges are very much rational and valid – they do not need confirmation.

Your urges of intuition are all you need because this is the true you screaming, internally, to stop what you are doing, listen and change course!

If you do, I bet you will be a happier person.

How's your confidence these days? More specifically, how's your dating confidence? The answer to both is easy. They're probably lower than you'd like. Confidence is sexy. It draws great men like bees to a honey pot. The bonus is that the players also sense your confidence and they steer clear of you. Double bonus!

But how does a woman rebuild her confidence? That's easy! Start with this best-seller, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes. It's the definitive confidence-building book written just for women like you. Women who need to rebuild their confidence after one life event after another have left you feeling a little down. This book will walk you through the easy but methodial steps of regaining your swagger and confidence! Great men will be falling all over themselves to date you. Read more about the book here or click one of the buttons below to buy the book now.

Ahh The Delights of Self-Care Sunday!

Ahh The Delights of Self-Care Sunday!

Self-care is something we all need but many of us don’t integrate into our lives. One great way to fix this problem is to implement a practice of self-care Sunday.

I know. I hear you. Sunday is either your day of rest, a family day or a catch-up day. You don’t have time to pile in some ridiculous self-care Sunday routine.

Hear me out, okay? It won’t take you more than a few minutes to read this article and then, if you still think it’s not for you, no problem.

Why You Need Self-Care Sunday

I honestly don’t know how women do it. You go all day, every day, doing three things at once, seemingly without a break. Men can’t do this. We must do one thing at a time.

The thing about going ninety miles an hour through life is that at some point, you begin to feel either overwhelmed or burned out. This can cause you a frustrating mental shutdown and those never seem to happen at opportune moments.

By instituting a self-care Sunday routine, even if it lasts just thirty minutes, you’re avoiding that overwhelm or burnout.

What Exactly IS Self-Care Sunday?

By name, you might think that you’re being asked to set aside an entire day, once a week, just for yourself. Seems like a lot, doesn’t it?

Yes. It does.

But what if you committed to setting aside just an hour of that day? What if you could take one hour to clear your mind with meditation, a hot bath or some other activity? What if you were able to spend that hour reading a great dating book or practicing a creative hobby?

The idea of self-care Sunday isn’t about setting aside an entire day. It’s about saying, “Hey, it’s Sunday and I’m going to do something for me today.” You don’t need do the same thing every week or even set aside the same amount of time every week.

All you need to do is snag an hour or two, more if you want to, and declare it as your own to do with whatever you want. The more you do it, the easier it will be and the more you’ll look forward to it from week to week.

What Should You do?

This is totally up to you. Some people like to get out into nature. Others like to listen to music or read a book. Still others just want some peace and quiet and they don’t care where it comes from.

It really depends on you and what your priorities are. If you go to church on Sundays, choose a time after church so you aren’t restricted timewise.

If you have a family, set aside some of your day to spend with them and then ask for time to yourself. If you give them what they’re craving from you first, it’ll be easier to get what you want – alone time.

In my book, The Little Self Care Handbook, I’ve cultivated dozens of ways in which you can practice self-care any day of the week.

Here are a few ideas to get your juices flowing:

  • Enjoy a decadent treat
  • Spend time journaling
  • Get back into nature
  • Take a hot bath
  • Do a workout you enjoy
  • Do an at-home spa day
  • Better yet, invite a few friends over for a spa day
  • Bake or work on a hobby you love
  • Snuggle with a pet
  • Binge watch something
  • Plan the upcoming week
  • Hunker down in your comfy clothes and read
  • Do a digital-free afternoon
  • Try adult coloring
  • Go swimming or sit by the pool and relax
  • Turn on some favorite music and dance or sing along

There are many more activities you can do. Those are just to get your ideas flowing. Do the same thing every week or choose something different. It’s up to you. The point is to take some time for yourself, even if it’s just a few moments.

Self-Care Sunday Wrap-up

The point of self-care Sunday isn’t about what you do as much as it’s about taking the time to do something. The purpose is to spend some time doing something you enjoy, forgetting about the daily grind for a bit and resetting before you start a new week.

Today you start taking care of you. If you don’t begin to take care of yourself, you won’t be 100% there to take care of those other important people in your life! Self-care isn’t the same as selfish. Self-care is essential for every single person, male or female, parent or not, laborer or white collar. None of that matters.

This self-love kit for women takes you through six types of self-care, providing you with essential steps toward including each type of self-care into your life.

Each type of self-care has specific steps and benefits to your overall well-being. You’ll gradually ease in to including each type of self-care in your life.

Inside the book is a link to download a free workbook and journal, featuring helpful worksheets to help you proceed through the self-care journey, as well as journal pages like yearly, monthly, weekly and daily calendars, trackers and other helpful pages. Your journey to feeling less overwhelm and more power in your life begins today!

Seven Ways to Improve Your Self-Esteem When Dating

Seven Ways to Improve Your Self-Esteem When Dating

how to improve self esteem in relationships

Guest Post Written By Lana Otoya

Lana is a professional dating coach for successful women at Millennialships.com. She helps successful and confident women meet successful and confident men.

When you are dating, things can get tough. You go on date after date, only to discover that the men you like the most are never interested in you.

Even the most confident person in the whole world might start to question their attractiveness if this keeps happening. 

The key here is not to get discouraged. When you give up on dating, you lose your chance to find a loving and supporting relationship. 

Here are seven ways for how to improve your self-esteem when dating.

#7 – Know Where Confidence Comes From

Confidence is a key aspect of dating because it helps you attract men, and also feel better about the whole process.

The interesting thing about confidence is that you can get it from multiple sources. Most people get self-confidence from “track record” or “history”. This is when you look to your past experiences to help you determine if you are good or bad at something.

For example, if you always get A’s on all your math tests, you are going to be pretty confident that you are a skilled mathematician.

If you’ve had bad relationships in the past or never seem to get into a long-term relationship, your track record is not providing you with the confidence you need to attract a man. So how can you be confident if your track record is tainted?

The good news is that you can tap into your self-esteem. Self-esteem, although similar, is not the same as self-confidence. Self-confidence is often felt as a result of external validation, much like the math example. Where self-esteem is something that comes from within you. It’s something that you feel rather than something you see.

 Self Confidence vs. Self Esteem:

Here is a nice explanation of self-esteem from Psychology Today:

“Self-esteem is our cognitive and, above all, emotional appraisal of our own worth. More than that, it is the matrix through which we think, feel, and act, and reflects and determines our relation to ourselves, to others, and to the world.

People with healthy self-esteem do not need to prop themselves up with externals such as income, status, or notoriety…On the contrary, they treat themselves with respect and look after their health, community, and environment.”

As you can see, healthy self-esteem comes from believing you are worthy, and respecting yourself despite any negative situations that life may present to you.

When dating, just remember that rejection and struggle happens to many people while they are looking for their long-term partner. You only need that one person to make everything worth it, so don’t tell yourself you don’t deserve love when you know it’s not true.

#6 – Have Realistic Expectations

Another way that you can help yourself feel confident during dating is to have realistic expectations. The online dating process is slow. You will message a lot of men who don’t message you back. You will go on dates with men who are losers. You will start to see a guy who seems really nice, only to have him ghost you after a few dates. I know this is a harsh reality but going in with these expectations helps you realize that it’s not you. This happens to everyone.

Even the most attractive, model-like women have trouble dating and finding a partner. This is because finding a partner only has so much to do with appearance and attraction, and much more to do with meshing two personalities together.

Sometimes it can take a while to find two personalities to really fit, but you only need to find one person and when you do, it’s really an amazing feeling!

#5 – How to Improve Self Esteem in Relationships: Move Slowly

When you are in a new relationship with someone who is really fun and awesome, you can be tempted to move things too quickly.

As a dating coach, I’ve seen many women get so excited about a new man who she tells her friends all about him, deletes all her dating apps and stops communicating with all men. Then, she realizes a few weeks later that he’s not interested in a long-term relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with getting excited and enjoying the honeymoon phase, but cutting off all other ties and letting all your friends know that you found “the one” can make the feeling of rejection much worse than it needs to be.

Always keep your options open until the two of you are on the same page.

#4 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Even if someone rejects you, it’s not really “you” that he is rejecting. It could be many different things.

There are seven billion people on this earth, and no two people have the exact same personality.

When dealing with so much variety in preferences, hobbies, values, etc., there are going to be people who clash. If you feel like things are going well with a man and then suddenly, he changes his mind, it could be any one of these little things that are not matching up. Maybe you live a little too far away from his house or maybe he’s not ready for a relationship.

Regardless of the reason, just know that if a man is not a good fit, you’re much better off without him.

#3 – Rejection and Shame Happen to Everyone

Researcher Brene Brown determined the feeling of rejection you experience when others do not accept you is a global feeling. This means that it happens to every human unless they have a serious mental disability. We are tribal animals whose evolution has made us want to fit in with the crowd. It is vital to our survival.

When you get rejected by someone, you have an intense feeling of shame. You purposefully analyze and critique yourself to see what might have gone wrong. This is a survival instinct because your brain is trying to help you fit in better next time.

The truth is though, you don’t need to fit in with everybody anymore. You do not rely on a certain caveman tribe in order to get your food and shelter. If someone rejects you, you can still live a perfectly happy life and not have to worry that you didn’t get along with just one person.

#2 – Focus on Self-Care

Dating can be a roller coaster of emotions. When you’re dating, you should be sure to have a structured and regular self-care routine. This allows you to remind yourself that you are the source of your own happiness, not anyone else.

Today you start taking care of you. If you don’t begin to take care of yourself, you won’t be 100% there to take care of those other important people in your life! Self-care isn’t the same as selfish. Self-care is essential for every single person, male or female, parent or not, laborer or white collar. None of that matters.

This self-love kit for women takes you through six types of self-care, providing you with essential steps toward including each type of self-care into your life.

Each type of self-care has specific steps and benefits to your overall well-being. You’ll gradually ease in to including each type of self-care in your life.

Inside the book is a link to download a free workbook and journal, featuring helpful worksheets to help you proceed through the self-care journey, as well as journal pages like yearly, monthly, weekly and daily calendars, trackers and other helpful pages. Your journey to feeling less overwhelm and more power in your life begins today!

#1 – How to Improve Self Esteem in Relationships: Have Fun

The pressures of finding a partner and all the swiping and texting rules can really be a downer. It’s best to pull back and remind yourself that dating should be fun. Instead of thinking, “I hate being single”, “This date is going nowhere” or that you  would rather be in your pajamas, remember – it’s just drinks.

You’re not being forced to speak in front of one thousand people or run a marathon. You’re just sipping on some cocktails with a new person. Even the most horrifying dates can still be fun. They can be a learning experience or simply an excellent story to tell your friends!

How to Get Over a Crush | Get Over a Man You Aren’t Dating

How to Get Over a Crush | Get Over a Man You Aren’t Dating

A crush is like a double-edged sword. It can make you feel all the highs of love, yet when it’s not reciprocated, it can be devastating. Knowing how to get over a crush can help you move forward into a mutually enjoyable relationship with a new man.

Sometimes, a crush is on someone who is forbidden, like a married man or a college professor. Other times, your crush is available to you but either doesn’t feel the same about you or is oblivious to your feelings.

Regardless of why you’re crushing or on whom, it’s no fun to feel something for someone and not have them feel the same towards you.

So how can you get over a crush?

Learn How to Get Over a Crush, But First, what is a Crush?

I think before we talk about how to get over a crush, we should get on the same page about what a crush is.

Crush: to experience an intense and usually passing infatuation,

So, of course, then I had to look up infatuation, so we’re on the same page there too.

Infatuation: a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something: strong and unreasoning attachment.

So, what I get from those Merriam-Webster definitions is this: a crush is intense and obsessively strong feelings for someone. These feelings can be reciprocated or unreciprocated, and crushes don’t go away when you’re fourteen. You can have a crush at any age.

Is it a Crush or Love?

The next question to consider before we move on to how to get over a crush is to determine whether you’re feeling love or you’re crushing on him.

What are the Feelings?

One of the easiest ways to distinguish between a crush and love is by how you feel. A crush is usually based on physical attraction. He’s hot, like George Clooney or Chris Hemsworth.

Love, on the other hand, is based on trust, understanding, and mutual attraction. Love grows with time while a crush happens the moment you see him.

Flaws? What Flaws?

When you’re crushing on a guy, you’re oblivious to his flaws. He’s absolutely perfect in your eyes. When you love someone, you see and accept their flaws. You love them regardless of whatever imperfections there may be.

When you have a crush on a guy, you place him on a pedestal – you idealize him. Since you don’t see his flaws, you imagine him as the perfect addition to your life. The problem with this is that you develop unrealistic expectations of what he can bring to your life.

Do You Have a Crush?

Answer each of these questions honestly:

  1. Do you know him?
  2. Was this feeling instant or gradual?
  3. Can you name five flaws he has right now?
  4. Do you have mention-itis? (i.e. do you talk about him all the time?)
  5. Do you imagine yourself in different scenarios with him?
  6. Do you become tongue-tied around him?
  7. Do you feel these things when you’re near him: excited, nervous, happy, and awkward?

If you don’t know him, it’s absolutely a crush. You can’t develop trust and mutual attraction with someone you don’t know. But, if you do know him, it might still be a crush. You need to answer more questions.

As you read above, a crush is also an instant feeling when you see someone, so if the feeling was instant, it’s a crush.

If you struggle to name five flaws he has, it’s a crush.

And for the last four questions, if you answer “Yes” to any of them, it’s a crush.

how to get over a crush

How to Get Over a Crush | Acknowledge Your Feelings

If you’re still reading, I assume you feel you have a crush on someone and now you want to know how to get over a crush.

The first thing to do is acknowledge how you feel. Don’t be ashamed of your feelings. You don’t have to shout it to the world, but at least acknowledge those feelings to yourself.

When you stuff feelings, whether good, like a crush, or bad, like shame or embarrassment, it’s not healthy. You deny yourself the process of working through them and letting them go.

A crush is a normal thing to experience, so stop feeling ashamed of yourself so you can find your way to ending the crush.

View Him in a More Realistic Way

We established above that when we crush on someone, we put them on a pedestal; we idealize them and fail to see their imperfections.

Stop and take a look at him. Even if he’s a celebrity and you don’t know much about him, you can still find flaws. Everyone has them.

Is he kind and respectful? If he is a celeb, is he generous with his time, energy, or money? Does he have a family or is he bed-hopping? You can find all this out with a few clicks of a mouse these days.

If he’s someone you know or someone in the periphery, you can still study him on social media or wherever you encounter him.

Again, nobody is perfect, but in your mind right now, he is, so look for his flaws and recognize that he’s human.

How to Get Over a Crush by Grieving

A crush that is not reciprocated comes with painful feelings which can include rejection and unrequited love. These feelings cause real pain, and you should allow yourself time to grieve the loss of this relationship, even if there never was a true relationship. In your mind, there was hope.

Spend some time looking back on times when you thought he might be returning your interest, any sparks you thought might have flown between you, or even just the dates you hoped he would ask you out on.

It’s okay to feel sad about what could have been, but…

how to get over a crush

Don’t Allow the Feelings to Overwhelm You

Feelings can be tricky. Some people stuff them down, which we already established is not healthy. Other people let their feelings overwhelm them and become unable to focus on anything else.

While I encourage you to acknowledge your feelings for this guy, I also can’t stress enough that you need to maintain control over your feelings.

And you do control them, whether you realize it or not.

Staying stuck in an infatuated state doesn’t allow you to heal and move forward to a healthy relationship with someone who will love you.

If you feel you’re stuck in some negative thoughts, there are a few strategies you can try.

Accept the Feelings and then Let Them Go

Imagine your feelings as if they’re a leaf floating down the stream. They slowly move toward you, but they don’t stay or even linger very long. They keep floating away, soon out of sight.

Feelings should be the same way. They sneak up on you, they linger for a while, then they float on by, allowing you to experience them and then let them go.

Set Them Aside Until You Can Properly Deal with Them

Sometimes, distressing feelings come at the most inopportune times, like when you’re about to give a presentation or your boss is waiting for you to finish something.

Mindfully set your feelings aside until later when you can explore them further. Sometimes it helps to keep a journal handy so you can write down your thoughts and dig into them more later.

DO Something

Often, a distraction is just what you need to end a negative thought process. Find something fun to do. Call a friend and go window shopping. Go to the gym and work out. This not only takes your mind off of things, but it helps burn negative hormones that are causing stress and anxiety.

Just be careful to do something that will take your mind away from its present state. Going to a movie is a great idea, but reading a book might not be. Working with weights where you need to concentrate would be great, but walking on a treadmill where you don’t need to think wouldn’t help.

Get Over a Crush by Talking to Someone

Sometimes, it helps to talk it out with a trusted friend. If this person is a true friend, she will help you gain perspective on the situation.

If you aren’t comfortable talking to someone about it, write in a journal and make that the someone you talk to you.

The important thing is to verbalize what you’re feeling so you can better sort it out. Sometimes hearing yourself say something brings forward negatives about your crush and helps you get over him.

Establish a Positive Relationship with Yourself

Each person is their own best friend, but many times, that’s the first relationship we let go of, or it’s a very negative relationship.

Building a positive relationship with yourself includes things like changing negative self-talk to positive, setting goals and going after them, and taking care of yourself with a regular self-care routine.

When you do these things, you grow your confidence and make yourself desirable for a great man who will love you as much as you love him.

You're a Survivor!

You might not feel like you can survive a breakup when it first happens, but if you look back in your life, you'll see that you've survived breakups before! This is a great article to help you, but there are others! Click the button below to check them out!

How to Get Over a Crush by Splurging a Little on Yourself

While you’re building this new positive relationship with yourself, splurge a little. Update your look with a new wardrobe staple or get a new hairstyle. It doesn’t need to be something overly dramatic.

Other ways to splurge on yourself include developing a new workout routine or even hiring a personal trainer, taking yourself out to a fancy dinner, or even buying yourself some new silky sheets for the bed.

These things are a great reminder to you that you deserve nice things, and you don’t need a man in your life to have them. It’s a great boost to your self-esteem and self-worth.

Go No Contact

The no contact rule isn’t just a good tool for a breakup, it’s a good tool for getting over a crush. Right now, you probably check his social media accounts at least once a day, if not more, to see what he’s up to.

Stop it.

No. Seriously – stop.

Unfriend, unfollow, and block (if he contacts you) him from your social accounts. The ability to soothe your loneliness or sadness by checking his accounts isn’t helping you get over him.

Aside from this, social accounts perpetuate the fantasized version of him that you’ve developed. We don’t post the dumb things we do unless we’re able to laugh at them, so what you see from everyone is a polished view of their lives.

Get Over a Crush by Realizing You Aren’t Alone

People go through this very same thing every day. I know it might feel like you’re alone in a crowd of happy people who have all found their one person, but that’s not true. Deep down inside, you know this.

Whether you experience a breakup with someone you were dating or you’re recognizing the unlikelihood of your crush becoming more in your life, it’s something people experience and survive every day.

You can also look back in your past. Have you crushed on someone before? Many young teenage girls do. A handsome teacher or coach is often the object of many crushes during high school. You survived that and you can survive this too. Promise!

Get and Use a Journal

Journaling is an excellent way to dump feelings and examine your thoughts. By allowing yourself to freely write whatever comes to mind, you sometimes bring up things you didn’t even realize were lurking.

It’s a very healthy way to get your feelings out.

There are only two rules. The first is that you don’t judge your thoughts, either before or after you’ve put them down. The second is that once it’s down on paper, you can’t erase it. No regrets for spilling your guts.

Nobody needs to see your journal, so don’t worry about what you write.

Don’t Seek out a New Crush

This isn’t the time to decide that Donnie Wahlberg is hot stuff. A new crush isn’t a good substitute for an old one.

This is a great time to allow yourself to enjoy being single. Much of the work you can do to raise your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth is best done while you’re single.

Your goal during this process of learning how to get over a crush is to prepare yourself for a real relationship with a great guy.

Adding a new crush to the mix pushes you further away from that goal, not closer to it.


THIS is where the riding solo book block goes

Knowing how to not date a jerk includes embracing your single life and taking the time to become a confident, independent woman. Riding Solo, a book written specifically for women who want to do just that, walks you through overcoming the stigma of being single on to becoming that independent, confident woman. This places you in the best possible position to find and date wonderful, great men who are not jerks.

Get over a Crush by Creating a New Environment without Your Crush

If your crush is a celeb, it’s time to remove all posters, stickers, and other memorabilia that serves as a constant reminder. Even if your crush isn’t a celebrity, you may have things around your home that serve as a reminder.

It’s time to remove all that stuff.

If going to certain restaurants or other places reminds you of your crush, stay away from those places for a while, at least until you’re fully healed.

Also, it’s time for a new narrative about the relationship. You’ve fantasized about this guy long enough. Your narrative about him has included him as part of your life, but that’s not going to happen, at least not now, and it’s time for a new narrative.

Practice Gratitude

It’s not uncommon to feel as if the world is closing in on you when you experience the end of a relationship, and that’s what this is, whether he knew you were in a relationship or not.

A great way to mitigate those feelings is to focus on what you have in your life to be grateful for, instead of what’s missing.

If you’ve already got a journal going, you can use a page here and there for gratitude. This is an excellent mental health exercise regardless of what’s going on in your life because it forces you to focus on the positives.

Get Over a Crush by Accepting Friendship

If you know your crush, friendship can be a good thing. It might not be a good thing right now, but once you’re feeling better, it might work for you both.

There is a warning signal, though. Don’t think of this friendship as a good alternative to the relationship you wish you could have. This mindset leaves you secretly hoping he’ll change his mind or that you’ll grow closer to one another over time.

While that’s a possibility, if it’s your reason for friendship, it’s the wrong reason.

If you can be friends with him, give that friendship its own merits. Value it for what it is, not what you wanted it to be. The friendship can’t be a consolation prize. It should be the win.

When You’re Ready, Go on Some Dates

Many people date in the wrong way. Dating is an exploration time. You shouldn’t go out on a first date with a guy and start planning your wedding.

Men don’t date like that.

Men date first to have fun. You’re mysterious to him and he’s intrigued. He wants to learn more about you, but not all at once, so share tidbits about your life over time. Don’t give him the entire story in one sitting. That kills the mystery right off.

Secondly, it’s okay to date more than one person at a time.

Think of dating like a funnel. You put a lot of men in at the top, or at first. As you date them, some of them are weeded out for an assortment of reasons. Maybe they find someone else, or there just isn’t any chemistry between you.

Keep dating, weeding out men until you get down to the one who’s lasted through. He’s the one you enjoy being with the most and probably the one you have the most in common with.

This dating and weeding-out process may take months and that’s how it should be. Take your time. Experience different types of men to see what you like and don’t like. Date types of men you’ve always sworn off before.

Keep the mystery alive by sharing small bits about yourself each time you get together. Do fun things on your dates like going hiking or exploring a nearby town.

These types of dates are better than dinner because the need to talk non-stop is not there for either of you. This means less sharing and more growth.

How to Get Over a Crush if None of This Helps

If you still feel like you can’t get over him, seek professional help. A professional can see things you won’t and has the right language and tools to help you overcome your feelings.

There is no shame in seeking professional help. It’s a great way to get unstuck and feel better.

The Last Word

There’s nothing wrong with having a crush and most people experience this at least once in their lives.

Most of the time, the feelings resolve themselves quickly and you don’t get stuck in them, but sometimes, you just can’t get that person out of your head.

Following these tips can help you redirect your thoughts and feelings into healthier activities and prepare you to find the great man you deserve.

Are You Selling Yourself Short in Your Dating Life?

Are You Selling Yourself Short in Your Dating Life?

Selling Yourself Short in Life is the Result of a Toxic Past

Have you ever had a friend tell you that you are selling yourself short when it comes to men and dating?

I have said this to women from time to time and it hasn’t gone over well at all, unfortunately.

It’s no wonder relationships fail at the high rate they do – people sell themselves short.


It’s all about self-worth. If you don’t think highly of yourself, there is a greater chance you will pick a mate who doesn’t have much self-worth either. Likes attract likes.

The negativity of your inner game reminds you of how average you look, how incapable you are in life and how awful your attitude is.

Is this the right way to go into a relationship?

selling yourself short

No. Friggin. Way.

Build Yourself and He Will Come.

This is the tagline of my website and my business for a reason.

Having a man in your life is not the answer. A positive you is! What your mind tells you all day is not reality, it’s the false reality created by a hurtful past.

It’s not your fault. There was no class called “Life Coaching 101” in high school or college. So no wonder women choose the stiffs who use them and move on. They expect to get dumped.

It really is pathetic and sad but it’s not your fault.

What to do if you are selling yourself short

Be aware of all the words you say to yourself throughout the day. Be especially aware around the mirror at home. Lose “I can’t, I won’t, I look like crap, why did I” type of negativity and replace it with the opposite:

  • I look great today
  • I am deserving of love!
  • Let’s work out
  • What a beautiful day
  • I am thankful today for…

It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe what you are saying at first! Just start replacing the ugly with the positive and soon the magic will happen – you will believe what you say to be true!

Hocus pocus? I’m afraid not my friend. You have full control over your inputs so learn to feed yourself positive thoughts and your result will be amazing confidence. Feed it negativity and out pours depression, stress, lack of confidence and yes – unsuccessful relationships.

Today is the day to stop selling yourself short! If you’re doing this today and would like to delve deeper into how to make positive changes to live a happier life, please check out these two freebies below and my best selling confidence course, “Comfortable in Your own Shoes.”

These two giveaways below have helped thousands of women begin their journey to building confidence:

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Fun Ways to Practice Self Care for Women

Fun Ways to Practice Self Care for Women

Self care for women is an easy thing to encourage, but many women falsely believe that self care is selfish.

When you think of self care, what comes to mind is probably not representative of what self care truly means. You might think it means taking some time out to pamper or indulge yourself.

Self care for women is more about understanding your worth and value as a human being and treating yourself accordingly.

Women tend to be better at nurturing others than they are at nurturing themselves. You’ll fill two water bottles each for your family and forget to grab yours on your way to the ballpark.

You’ll make sure your husband or boyfriend has a healthy lunch packed while zipping out the door with a promise to make your own healthy lunch next time.

I know I’m right. I’ve got three sisters and a mother!

What if I could find ways for you to enjoy self care? Read some of the ideas below to see if any of these pique your interest.

Self Care for Women | Creating Your Own Chick Retreat

Guys have man caves, but women don’t usually take the time to designate a space for peace and tranquility.

One fun thing you can do is create your own chick retreat. It doesn’t need to be an entire room of your house. It could just be a corner of a room, a special chair or an hour where you fill the bathtub with hot water and lock the door!

I know a woman who had a large walk-in closet she stole away to use as her chick retreat. Her husband was dying of cancer and she needed a place to use as a quiet place for rest, relaxation and reflection.

Your retreat can be whatever you want, as long as it is a place you can use to recharge your batteries.

self care for women


Reading can be a very entertaining way to relax and recharge, especially if you enjoy books of a humorous or light-hearted nature.

Reading can also be a way to facilitate personal growth or inspire you to try new things. You can experience personal, spiritual, financial and intellectual growth by reading.

Use your reading time to forget about the stressors around you, relax and let go of the pressures of the day. Allow yourself to escape into another world, if only for 30 minutes a day, and grow as a woman.

Take Your Dream Car for a Test Drive

If you could own any car, what would it be? Why not take it for a test drive? There’s no rule that states you must buy a car you test drive! Even if this gives you just fifteen minutes of fun, it’s a temporary escape into your dream.

If you believe in the Law of Attraction, this could even be a step toward owning that dream car. You never know!

Meanwhile, drive it like a boss! Smell the leather. Feel the way the car handles. Lose yourself in the experience. Relax and enjoy the ride! More importantly, remind yourself that you deserve nice things in your life.

Even if you can never afford to buy this car, you can save up to buy something nice for yourself.

Find or Pursue Your Passion

This is good for you in so many ways, it could be its own blog post, but instead, I’ll try to summarize here.

Following your passion helps you focus your time and energy on something you love and it’s a great escape for you when your guy is out with his friends or off licking his wounds after a missed promotion or lost competition.

When you are passionate about something, you begin to build your story, which is interesting to any man worth having. It gives you something to share and talk about and it helps you build your confidence in new areas.

Self Care for Women | Journaling

Journaling and using a planner are very popular activities right now. When I was young, my sisters all had those padded diaries with the cheap little locks. They wrote their deepest, darkest secrets in those journals with those fun four-color pens everyone had.

Journaling today is a creative endeavor where some people write while others draw or cut out pictures from magazines, pieces of mail and recycled items.

It’s a great form of expression that you can either keep to yourself or share with your guy in the form of a couple’s journal.

Some people take a page of a journal, write whatever is troubling them, and then cover those thoughts with paint, gesso or other paper and embellishments.

self care for women

Enjoy Nature

I love nature and I am fortunate to be able to enjoy it by simply looking out my back door. You can enjoy nature by taking a walk or going on a hike. If you enjoy the water, go kayaking, skiing or just lay by the beach.

The outdoors can even be your chick retreat. Just walking around, enjoying the wonderful colors and smells can help you relax and recharge.

This can be a great thing to do first thing in the morning or right before you go to bed. It is a nice, calming activity, providing a sense of peace and joy all at the same time.

Celebrate Victories

I am a big fan of conducting a weekly review in which I take note of my weekly accomplishments and challenges.

Reminding yourself of your accomplishments helps you shift your focus from things that didn’t get done or hiccups in your week to the things you did well.

This is a great way to boost your confidence and sense of self-worth. You have abilities you don’t even realize and taking the time to remind yourself of those abilities helps you grow.

Self Care for Women | Practice Gratitude

It is so easy to become bogged down with the heavier side of life and our natural inclination is to focus on the mistakes we make or the things we wish we’d done differently. Some form of self care for women should include the practice of gratitude.

When you shift that focus onto things in your day or week that you can be grateful for, you change your outlook. It’s a great reminder that there are many things going right in your world and not just a world of wrong banging on your door.

Stretch Your Comfort Zone

For most people, staying within your comfort zone feels safe. The problem with safe is that there’s no growth in safe.

When you strive to stretch your comfort zone, you commit to growing as a person. It’s important to take a few risks in order to build your confidence and expand your horizons.

It is only when you push yourself in this way that you find your true self.

Self Care for Women Includes Taking Care of Yourself

Instead of staying up until midnight to finish the laundry, do the dishes and clean up after the kids, try going to bed at a reasonable hour and getting some good rest.

If you need to stay up that late to get things done, you’re either not prioritizing your tasks, or you have too much on your plate.

Not only should you get plenty of rest, but you should eat healthy meals. While it might seem easy to hit the drive-thru on the way home from a late day at the office, it’s much better for you to go home and heat up some leftovers or make yourself a salad.

I know one young woman who utilizes her days off to do her grocery shopping and complete food prep for the work week ahead. With proper planning, you can accomplish the same and lower the stress in your life!

Self Care Enables You to Properly Care for Your Loved Ones

If you are running on empty 90% of the time, you’re no good for the people you’re trying to nurture. Being exhausted and cranky just leaves them wishing you’d retreat off to nature or go read a great book. What they want to do most is enjoy their time with you.

Facilitate that by practicing good self care. Remember that you can’t be there 100% for them if you’re not there 100% for yourself first. It isn’t selfish, it’s providing your loved ones with the best version of you, and it’s providing you with personal and positive feedback that you are worthy of being cared for!

Today you start taking care of you. If you don’t begin to take care of yourself, you won’t be 100% there to take care of those other important people in your life! Self-care isn’t the same as selfish. Self-care is essential for every single person, male or female, parent or not, laborer or white collar. None of that matters.

This self-love kit for women takes you through six types of self-care, providing you with essential steps toward including each type of self-care into your life.

Each type of self-care has specific steps and benefits to your overall well-being. You’ll gradually ease in to including each type of self-care in your life.

Inside the book is a link to download a free workbook and journal, featuring helpful worksheets to help you proceed through the self-care journey, as well as journal pages like yearly, monthly, weekly and daily calendars, trackers and other helpful pages. Your journey to feeling less overwhelm and more power in your life begins today!

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