You want to trust him, really you do, but the relationship trust issues between you feel insurmountable. How can you overcome this and build a bright and wonderful relationship? Let’s find out!
Why Trust is So Important
Before we get into the how, I always like to dig into the why. Why is trust such an important piece of a great relationship?
There are two sides to trust in a relationship. The first is you, your behavior and any issues you may bring to the table. The second is your partner and his behaviors, added to whatever residual issues he might bring along.
Trust Forms a Solid Foundation
As children, we trust our parents to provide for our needs, both physical and emotional. We also trust them to have our backs, guide us through life, and help us safely learn some of those difficult lessons life teaches.
But sometimes kids have parents who fail in their task. They don’t provide – maybe even aren’t present in the child’s life at all. The trust a child should inherently have in someone who supposedly loves them is eroded and the child quickly learns that people can’t be trusted.
That relationship never feels like it’s on solid ground. You never know what’s coming at you next or who, if anyone, will have your back. A bully chases after you at school, but you know nobody at home cares, so you fight back instead. In fact, you may find that you’re always fighting back, even when it seems unnecessary.
Relationship trust issues erode any sense of safety you wish to feel. Instead of feeling like your partner is someone you can share everything with, you feel you can’t share anything with him. Will he make fun of you? Is he likely to go off and tell someone who may want to retaliate?
But relationship trust issues also cause you to be in a continuous state of worry. Is he cheating on me? Did he put money into our bank account, or did he drink it all away? What kind of mood will he be in when he gets home? Should I find somewhere else to be or brave it? Some trust issues are warranted.
With trust, you can share your vulnerabilities and fragilities. You build intimacy in those moments. You feel safe and comforted knowing your partner will stand up for you no matter what!
Your Communication is Better
Poor communication is a relationship killer, and a big part of poor communication is relationship trust issues.
Why would you communicate honestly with someone you don’t trust? It’s like telling the biggest gossip in town your most valuable secrets, then being surprised when everyone knows in three days.
In relationships with good communication, trust is also present. You feel comfortable speaking freely because you know your partner is listening. It’s easier to be open and honest with him since you know he won’t immediately be judgmental.
Imagine being able to share your deepest fears with your partner, and instead of judgment, you know that he will wrap his warm arms around you, figuratively or literally, and comfort you. You know that he will help you overcome those fears, not make fun of you for them.
You Can Forgive and Forget
Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts I think there is for humans. People think that if they forgive someone, they make whatever happened okay.
That isn’t what forgiveness is about.
When you hold onto anger, the cliché is that you’re allowing them to live rent free in your head. The anger follows you around like a lost puppy, always nagging, always present.
When you forgive someone, including yourself, you aren’t saying that what happened is okay. You’re saying that you aren’t going to allow what happened to overtake your life. You’re willing to let it go and move forward.
The benefits of forgiveness can’t be ignored:
- Reduced stress and anxiety
- Feeling less depressed
- Higher self-esteem
- An increased sense of optimism
- Improved communication
- The ability to form stronger bonds
- Resilience
- The ability to feel empathy and compassion
- Being able to move forward
- Increased heart health
- Lower blood pressure
- Healthier immune system
WOW! That’s a lot of great benefits to forgiveness. Conversely, when you can’t forgive, or refuse to forgive, you may experience:
- Being stuck in the past
- Higher stress and anxiety
- Unhealthy relationships
- Trust issues
- Weakened immune system
- Higher blood pressure and poor heart health
Personally, I’d prefer the benefits of forgiveness. The great thing is that you don’t need to tell the person who hurt you that you forgive them. Write them a letter of forgiveness, then burn it or shred it.
Forgiveness is for you, not someone else. It’s giving yourself permission to let go of the hurt and boot that person out of your headspace.
Improved Health
You just read how forgiveness improves your health. When you carry around stress and anxiety for any reason, your body is in a constant state of fight or flight and the hormones associated with that are continuously flowing through your body.
They do physical damage to your heart and immune system with prolonged exposure.
By solving relationship trust issues, you reduce the stress in your relationship and allow that fight or flight mode to subside. You feel calmer in general, in addition to feeling supported and secure.
Studies show that people who are in trusting relationships enjoy better physical and emotional health.
Your Relationship Withstands Difficult Tests
Every relationship is tested from time to time, whether it’s the challenge of new stages of life, life-changing accidents, or even illnesses. How well you overcome those challenges speaks to whether there are relationship trust issues between you.
I know a young family with four children who all just found out that the father of the family has incurable cancer and less than six months to live.
Without trust between Joseph and Amy, it would be difficult for him to feel safe and secure in his present state. He must put all of his trust in his wife, not just for his own care, but for the care of their four young children.
This is, by far, the most difficult test any relationship faces, and unfortunately, the end result of the test is death for Joseph. But Joseph can rest in peace knowing that his children will be well cared for by their mother. He can navigate each day of his disease knowing that she is providing the best care for him that she’s capable of.
Many other relationship tests aren’t so dramatic, and yet, they may still test the foundation of your relationship. Good people make mistakes, and those mistakes can really test you, and may even cause those relationship trust issues.
That’s why it’s so important to keep open lines of communication and be wiling to forgive. It helps keep those trust issues from eroding completely.
How do You Know if You Have Trust Issues?
Trust is most simply defined as believing that the other person in the relationship is honest and reliable. You know you can depend on him no matter what because he makes you feel safe and secure.
But if there are trust issues, you might experience or feel some of these things.
You Always Assume the Worst
Relationship trust issues force you to always be on the defensive. He got home an hour late. Was he with another woman? Was he out drinking when he said he would stop?
Your partner may not have ever done those things before, but your trust issues have you questioning everything and assuming the worst.
It also shows up in waiting to see what someone wants from you if you ask something of them. You ask a friend to pick up your child at school because you have an appointment, then you just wait for her to ask something of you.
Your Suspicious of His Intentions
Hey Babe, let’s get out of here this weekend. Let’s go to the beach and just chill. Your mind immediately goes to why? Why is he trying to run away? What’s going to happen at home this weekend that makes him want to leave?
Or maybe he brings you a dozen red roses after work one day, just for the heck of it. Instead of feeling grateful, your mind wanders to what did he do wrong? Why is he trying to butter me up now?
It might be that he just wants to spend quality time with you at the beach, or maybe he just felt like showing you with roses that he cares for you. By reading more into it than was there, you’re setting yourself up for a fight that doesn’t need to happen.
You Sabotage the Relationship
This happens so often, and it makes me so sad. You’ve been burned so many times by people from your past that you can’t now see how this guy will be any different.
In fact, you probably have a marker in a relationship, usually some set timeframe – three months, six months – when you just know he’s gonna end it any time now.
Instead of waiting for him to end it, you start picking fights and forcing the issue.
Unfortunately, the truth may be that was really into you until you started sabotaging the relationship. Now, though, he does just what you always expected him to do – he leaves. But he isn’t leaving for the reasons you imagine. He’s leaving the Crazytown your relationship became.
You Distance Yourself from Him
Getting too close to someone might make you feel really edgy. You’ve felt this way in the past and gotten burned every time, or what feels like every time anyway.
Rather than allow your vulnerabilities to show through, you hide everything you’re feeling. You keep a brick wall up between you so you feel safer.
Unfortunately, that brick wall, while invisible, is still very strong and instead of lowering the wall, it’s getting taller and taller with each piece of you that you withhold.
The distance you’re keeping helps you feel less edgy and fearful. The hurt you’ve experienced in the past is less likely to creep in if you keep to yourself and don’t let anyone in – at least not really in.
You Focus on What Will go Wrong
Instead of looking for things to go well, you always see the negative side of something. Negativity becomes your main state of being.
You want to buy a house together? What if one of you loses your job? What if a tornado or hurricane blows it off of the map?
You want to go on vacation together? What if you miss your flight? Worse yet, what if the plane crashes?
The scenarios you build with your anxiety are usually far-fetched but feel very possible and real.
It’s very difficult to be around someone who’s always a doomsdayer. It’s tedious. Nobody wants their relationship to be described as tedious!
What Causes Relationship Trust Issues?
Sometimes, relationship trust issues stem from something deep in your past. Other times, they arise out of your partner’s behavior or his own trust issues. Let’s examine where relationship trust issues might come from.
A Betrayal
This one is tricky because it might be that this partner betrayed you, or it could be that someone from your past has betrayed you.
If it’s this partner, you might be able to work with a couples’ therapist to rebuild your trust issues. It’s not likely something you can do on your own as the hurt may still be too fresh.
If it’s past relationship betrayals, it’s time to stop lumping all men into one cheater category. Let this new guy be himself. Instead of automatically assuming he isn’t trustworthy, allow him to earn your trust by showing up when he says he will and doing other things that can build your trust in him.
In either instance, you must move past the feeling of mistrust that you own. I know how the cliché goes – fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But let him prove to you that he’s either not a guy from your past or not the same guy who betrayed you previously.
Your Parents
If you experienced a poor relationship between your parents, it may cause you to have your own relationship trust issues now. If your father cheated or your mother was always spending money your family didn’t have, it likely caused arguments centered around trust.
Growing up with that as your relationship model will cause you to have relationship trust issues by default.
Experiencing Rejection as a Child
Kids are mean and some kids are always rejected by their peers.
I know a young lady, now twelve years old, who has severe anxiety. Among other disorders, she has misophonia, which means that repetitive or loud noises make her feel very anxious. She also has social anxiety.
Unfortunately for this young lady, she has a twin sister who is her polar opposite. The twin is socially active, athletic, and not afraid of anything. It’s very difficult to experience your own anxiety while watching those around you act as if they don’t feel it too.
The truth is that both girls have anxiety and fear but show it in different ways. The social twin fears social isolation so she’s gregarious, almost to a point of being fake about it. The twin with anxiety experiences social isolation due to her high level of fear and anxiety.
As adults, these two girls will both likely experience relationship trust issues. The social twin because she doesn’t feel like she can be herself to be accepted and the anxious twin because she already feels isolated and rejected by her peers, even though she rarely gives them a chance to know her.
Negative Life Experiences
Some kids experience some awful things in their young lives and it leaves an imprint. For Joseph and Amy’s kids, especially the two who are five and seven, they’ll battle with feeling abandoned by their father, even though he can’t help what’s happening to him.
This may cause them to have relationship trust issues as adult women. The man they trusted the most in their young lives left them at a young age. If Dad can leave, why wouldn’t any other man?
It isn’t always a logical thought process from A to B, but it’s the process many take nonetheless.
Many negative life experiences force us into a place where we don’t trust anyone. It’s a natural consequence of things you often cannot control.
Overcoming Relationship Trust Issues
Finally, right? That’s what you came here to find in the first place.
How can you overcome relationship trust issues?
The most logical answer is that it depends on what caused them, but still, there are strategies that might help, regardless of where they came from.
Allow Trust to Build Slowly
Trust isn’t something you just decide to do one day. You must allow it to grow over time. Observe the behaviors of those you seem to not trust. Are they showing you that they are trustworthy or untrustworthy?
Sometimes, we fail to see trustworthy behavior because we’re almost blind to it due to past experiences.
Look for indications that this person can be trusted. Does he show up on time for dates? When he says he’s going to do something, does he do it? If the answer is yes, he’s trying to build your trust. Let him.
Forgive
Boy, talk about a recurring theme, right? Forgiveness helps take a few bricks out of that wall you’ve built.
Everyone makes mistakes, including you. Forgiving a mistake is okay. In fact, it’s necessary to positive mental health.
Reread the section above on forgiveness if you’re still doubtful about this one.
Talk About It
If your trust issues are rooted deeply in your past, tell your partner about them. You don’t have to dig up every single root, just share the main branches.
This will help him understand that you’re a work in progress and are asking for his patience.
This type of honesty goes back to that communication thing above. Someone in your life can’t understand your reactions to things if they don’t know where they’re coming from.
Ask Yourself – Is This About Trust or Control?
It’s normal if you have trust issues to want to be in control. When you don’t feel you have complete control over a situation, you become mistrustful of what’s happening.
This may show up in a variety of ways. For example, if you’ve been betrayed financially before, you may demand more control over the finances. It really isn’t control you seek, but trust that what you think is going on with your money really is.
In this instance, it’s okay to give over a little control. Allow him to pay the bills and trust that he does so in a timely manner. Resist the urge to check and double-check. When you feel the anxiety, remind yourself that you have no reason to mistrust him.
It’s okay to give up some control when it seems like a good idea.
Learn to Manage Your Anxiety
Trust is often really anxiety.
Anxiety is anticipating a negative event in the future. If he cheats on me, he’ll leave me. If she doesn’t pay the bills, we’ll lose everything. If I don’t know where he is every second of the day, he’ll cheat on me.
In these instances, trust becomes a decision you make, rather than a feeling you have.
Trust that your partner will pay the bills.
If he says he isn’t cheating on you, trust his word unless you have substantial and real proof (not a feeling).
The truth is that we cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves. If you really find that someone has broken your trust, there are two possible avenues for you to take.
The first is to leave the relationship or friendship. Just walk away.
The second is to seek help, both for yourself and your trust issues, and the relationship. It’s always possible that your lack of trust was actually the root of the problem.
If she always thinks I’m cheating, I may as well go ahead and cheat. At least then, I’ll be doing what she’s accusing me of.
Root Out the True Problem
Of course, the best way to resolve relationship trust issues is to find the root of the problem. Is it in your past? Is it in his? Do you have valid reasons for mistrusting him? If so, why are you staying with him?
If he’s cheated on you, why? What was already broken in your relationship, because something was. Either you snagged a player or there was a relationship issue lying deeper under the surface.
If the roots of your relationship trust issues are in your past, it’s best to seek out some professional help to work through those things. If they’re still nagging you now, chances are they need more than a few blog articles for resolution.
What’s the Common Denominator?
Are all of your relationships plagued with trust issues or is this the first one? If it’s the first one, it’s likely not something you’ve brought to the scene, but if all of your relationships seem to have these trust issues, it may be time to change things up.
Relationship trust issues that aren’t rooted in that relationship are often due to low self-esteem, low confidence, and/or low self-worth. You don’t believe you can have a loving relationship or that you don’t deserve one.
It may be that these go back to those childhood issues. You had an absent parent who made you feel abandoned – not worthy of their love. It may be that you’ve had enough crappy relationships that you don’t believe in your own ability to find great guys.
Either way, it’s time to work on those issues and again, if this is a long-fought problem, a professional may be your best bet.
Note the anxiety you feel in specific situations. When you think your friends are getting together without you, resist the urge to text all of them multiple times throughout the evening. If you think your boyfriend might be cheating on you, resist the desire to drive around all of the local hotels, and his apartment, to see if his car is there and/or a car you don’t recognize.
These behaviors feed your mistrust instead of helping you trust more deeply.
Be a Trustworthy Person
If you want to improve relationship trust issues, be a trustworthy person. Trust is a two-way street. You build your trust along with your partner, slowly and over time.
Be open about your feelings, opinions, boundaries, and past issues. This doesn’t mean you spill every single thing but share bits and pieces that help him make sense out of your situation and help you grow.
Additionally, being trustworthy means allowing him to make a mistake without blowing it completely out of proportion. He trusts you to react appropriately.
Wrapping Up Relationship Trust Issues
Trust might make you feel uncomfortable at first, but if you allow people to build your trust in them, you’ll find yourself enjoying happier and more meaningful relationships. This is true of friendships, not just romantic relationships.
Relationship trust issues show up in all of your relationships, not just specific ones.
The more times you’re willing to forgive someone and give them another chance, the happier and more trustful you’ll be.
It’s not a fast road to travel down, but one you should traverse slowly and steadily. As those urges to check and double-check wain, you’ll find that you’re more relaxed and much less anxious. You’ll feel healthier and your body will definitely benefit!
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