Walking away from someone who doesn’t value you takes tremendous strength and resolve, and yet, you might be feeling neither of those.
I’m Kirbie and I’ve been working with Gregg for more than ten years. I’ve been through this, and I just know I’m not alone, so today, I want to help you make your decision.
How do You Know if He Doesn’t Value You?
The first, and most obvious question to ask is how do you know he doesn’t value you? You’re probably second-guessing yourself on your decision.
You see glimmers of hope in small, yet infrequent gestures he makes. Your mind says see, he does love me! And you carry on as if all of the million and one signs that show he doesn’t value you fade into the distance.
Allow me to share my story.
The Story of J
Distant Past
I’m gonna call this guy J. I’ve known J now for nearly twenty-five years. When we first met, there was chemistry, which I was good at mistaking for love. I was also just out of a long-term relationship and needing validation, so I fell for all of it.
I would say we stayed together that first time for several months. It’s been too long now to recall how long but he said and did all of the right things, most of the time.
More Recent Past
But let’s fast-forward to say the last ten years. I must preface this by saying I haven’t spoken to or seen J in about eighteen months, but in the eight plus years prior, I was still falling for his crap.
The problem with J is that when I’m with him and he’s into the relationship, he’s everything you could want. Attentive. Loving. Giving. Then, out of the blue he pulls the rug out.
The pattern goes something like this:
- J’s attention for anywhere from a few weeks to a few months
- K falls for it, hook, line, and sinker
- J falls off the map – no text, no phone call, doesn’t show up for dates or isn’t home when I go at a pre-appointed time
- K gets fed up and swears this is it
- J shows up again, pouring on the charm
- Rinse and repeat
What finally broke the cycle for me was that I realized he was never going to change. Yes, it took me a long time but understand that we may go two to three years in between points of contact.
What really helped me the most was working with Gregg over these last few years and coming to build my own confidence. The last time J and I were ‘together’, I was mostly in it for companionship – someone to go to a movie with, that sort of thing.
The Truth
But the truth is that he didn’t value me, and I chose to ignore it for many years. I probably did it in part because my confidence was low and you know, any attention is good attention.
But as my own confidence has grown, so has my lack of tolerance for the crap. Over the last six or so years, I’ve strictly sought that companionship. He was always the one who wanted more.
So the real truth is that he lacks confidence in his ability to be in a good relationship and I’ve seen that for several years, so each time I went into a new encounter with him, it was eyes wide open.
Just because I understand relationships better doesn’t mean I’m not human. I’m capable of falling into the same traps as everyone else. When you care for someone, you want them to be the person you need them to be.
Waking up to the reality that they’re never going to be that person can be a rough wake-up call indeed!
So, How Do I Know He Didn’t Value Me?
He Didn’t Often Ask How I Was
Most of our conversations were about him and what he wanted in a relationship. If I would say, “what about what I want?” the conversation would flip to me for a tiny while, then go right back to him and what he wants.
Over the last five plus years, I’ve been taking care of my parents. My father just passed away three months ago, and he had dementia. The struggle is real, and life was sometimes very stressful and/or very challenging.
Not once did he ask about my parents or me.
There Was No Curiosity About My Life
I have eight grandchildren who are very important to me. VERY important. He was never interested in talking about them and never asked about them. In fact, I couldn’t get him to engage with anyone in my family.
He did when we first dated because we have kids who are all in the same age range, but now that they’re all grown, nothing.
He never asked what I did as a career either, which feels odd, but he was retired over the last few years due to a traumatic brain injury, so work wasn’t important to him.
Our Agendas Were Different
We may not have spoken for maybe three or more months, and I would get a text that went something like this:
Let’s get married in Jamaica in June (text received in April)
The old me would have glowed at the possibility. The more recent me just thought uh huh.
As I said, my agenda was companionship. Someone to go to a movie with or enjoy a nice dinner out. His was marriage.
There Was No Mutuality
Mutuality means that what you receive, you give, so in a relationship it means that if I am giving caring and interest in his life, he should be giving me the same.
He wasn’t, as I already said.
Our relationship was a one-way street.
He Didn’t Seek Me or My Opinion Out
I consider myself to be an intelligent woman and yet he never asked my opinion on anything.
In fact, as a sign of his low confidence, he is unable to make many decisions without years of deliberation. Way back when I was dating him twenty or so years ago, he wanted to buy an airplane. It took him five years to decide on one.
Last we spoke, he was wanting a new electric vehicle. He researches and researches. He does test drives. For years! Still no EV – or at least not last time I saw him.
He Failed to See How His Actions Impacted Me
Of course, I learned a long time ago that he was unreliable, but back when I still believed he would follow through (we’re talking fifteen or more years ago), I’d get ready for a date with him only to be still sitting home alone hours later.
He’s always had some amazingly dramatic story about why something else was more important than even a text or phone call to let me know he was coming.
I’d say in the last five years, I never believed he would follow through. He never acknowledged that he got even the slightest idea of how his actions impacted me.
He Treated Others Differently
I think this was the most confusing part for me. He would treat me like crap and bend over backwards for other people. When I’d call him out on it, he was always full of justification for his actions.
It was his kindness towards others and the way he went out of his way to help other people that drew me too him. I could never understand why he never tossed any of that my way.
It’s important to look for this with someone who doesn’t value you. Do they value anyone or is it just you they’re treating badly?
If he’s doing it to everyone, he’s an all-around schmuck, but if it just seems to be you, then he truly doesn’t value you and it’s time to move on.
So Why Did I Stay “In” So Long?
I stayed in it for so long for the same reasons you’ve stayed. You keep hoping he’ll change, and just when you’re about to give up on him entirely, he tosses you a breadcrumb that pokes at the little voice in your head – see, he does care.
Additionally, in the beginning, my confidence was very low. I was a couple of years beyond a divorce, and I’d made the mistake most women make of getting into another relationship too soon. Another schmuck.
I had no clue about confidence or anything else. I just knew I wanted someone in my life to care about me, so I kept dating. I was a single mom to four kids and it was stressful. Having someone to spend time with when they were with their dad helped me decompress, or so I thought.
Let’s look at a few reasons why women stay in this type of relationship.
We Justify the Bad Behavior
You want to believe you’ve made a good choice, that the guy you’re with isn’t just another in a long line of losers you’ve dated.
So, you justify the bad behavior to save face. Of course, your friends and family are shaking their heads and eventually, you stop telling them too much about your relationship because you don’t want to hear more I told you so’s.
The truth is that if J valued me, he wouldn’t have done those bad behaviors. He wouldn’t have skipped dates without a word or done any of the other things he did. I was just too scared of being alone and too low confidence to see it.
We Lose Who We Are
The longer you’re with someone like this, the lower your own self-worth dips. If he doesn’t value you, you can easily begin to lose your own sense of value.
I would set aside my hobbies in lieu of the possibility of a date. Instead of doing something I enjoyed, I was sitting there seething over him not showing up. Again.
We Overcompensate
When you do get those snippets of attention you’re always hoping for, you act like nothing is wrong. He hasn’t treated you like crap for the last two weeks, or longer.
Another overcompensation tactic is to allow him to say things that are unkind without standing up for yourself. You’re so relieved to have the morsels of his time that you ignore it.
It’s like a child who has discovered that the only way to get his parents’ attention is to act out, except it’s twisted around. He’s acting out and you’re glad for the attention.
We Keep Coming Back for More
Early on in this whole relationship with J, cell phones weren’t nearly what they are today so doing things like blocking people wasn’t an option.
Now, I have him blocked and deleted from my phone. This keeps me from having a weak moment and texting him first.
One time a few years ago, I thought I’d blocked him everywhere and he sent me a message via Facebook. I hung out with him a few times again before getting fed up and blocking him.
In the early days, every single time he’d send me a message, I was all in again. Looking back, it’s pathetic but there it is anyway.
We Let Them
The bottom line is that a guy gets away with this because we let them. Instead of standing up for ourselves, we just keep taking whatever these guys are willing to throw our way.
I know it seems easier than it really is because, as you have read, I lived it and it was very hard for me too.
How Does Being in An Invalidating Relationship Impact You?
There are quite a few negative consequences to being in a relationship where you aren’t valued. But with help, you can overcome them.
Feelings of Inadequacy
When you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you, it makes you feel as if you’re the one who is damaged. You aren’t enough.
Your self-worth declines because of the imbalance that’s happening in your relationship. The end result is that you might feel as if you don’t deserve to be loved. This guy is wonderful, and he doesn’t love you. How would another guy?
Low Self-Esteem
The feelings of inadequacy are about your self-worth, but your self-esteem is also damaged in these types of relationships.
He doesn’t value you and that leads you to feel as if you aren’t worth being valued. You may doubt that your capable of doing anything right in your life. Your desire to challenge yourself and grow as an individual is negatively impacted because you don’t believe you can.
You Get Frustrated and Feel Resentful
This was huge for me. I would get so frustrated, and not just at him, but at me too for falling for his lies again and again.
That’s why it was easy for me to avoid him for a short period of time but harder as time passed. That frustration wains and the resentment fades and there’s that smile and morsel of attention.
Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You
Now it’s time to get to the heart of the discussion – walking away from someone who doesn’t value you. How do you do it?
Realize You Deserve Better
You deserve a man who will treat you with respect and value you as a human being with thoughts and feelings of your own.
Of course, as you’ve read, being with a man who doesn’t has probably dipped your belief in this statement so read it a few times until it starts to sink in.
The longer you stay with this person, the more devalued and undeserving you’re going to feel. If you think you’ll hurt him by leaving, think again. Remember, if he cared at all, he wouldn’t be treating you this way.
Stop Blaming Yourself
Blaming yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere except deeper into a pit of the crap you’re already feeling.
Did you pick the wrong guy? Yes indeed.
But instead of sitting there blaming yourself, learn from this experience!!
Chances are if you’ve stayed in this type of relationship, your confidence was low to begin with so take some time off and work on it.
A guy like this won’t approach a woman with confidence, so that’s your armor! Your shield against losers is confidence.
Discard the Belief that You Can Change Someone
The only person you can control is you. None of us can change someone else. That other person must want to change and right now, whatever he has going on is working for him.
That doesn’t mean you need to be the one who’s making it work, though!
His behavior is for him to recognize and change. This isn’t your project, and if you’ve made it your project until now, try embroidery or acrylic painting instead. Anything but this!
Just Walk Away – No Scene!
You don’t need to make a scene or prepare an ugly breakup scenario. Just end it. Josh, this relationship isn’t working for me, so I think it’s best that we just part ways.
Now, he’s losing something that he thinks he wants so he may try to argue that he’ll do better.
It’s likely that he isn’t going to do better. If he wanted to treat you better, he’d already be doing so.
What you don’t need to do is make a big scene out of it or cause an argument to get it done.
Recognize His Possible Reactions
It’s possible that somewhere deep inside, he does care about you and just isn’t very good at showing it. If that’s the case, he may do some of the following things.
“Chase” You
Men love the chase. There’s a possibility that he just became bored with the relationship but now that you’ve introduced a ton of challenge, he’s in it again, wanting to chase you.
It’s also possible that once he sees how his actions have resulted in you walking away, he’ll step up his game.
Regardless, don’t be surprised if he tries to chase you once you’ve ended the relationship.
What you do from here is up to you. Two things are possible. One is that he just enjoys the chase and as soon as he thinks he’s caught you again, he’ll slide back into old habits.
The second is that he recognizes that he needs to put more effort into a relationship with you and he steps up his game.
Unfortunately, there’s no way to know ahead of time, however, you’ll soon know if you allow him to date you again. He’ll either stop doing all of the negative behaviors above or he’ll start doing the things he should be doing.
He Might Realize He Misses You
Guys become complacent in relationships and take them for granted. There are things you can do to snap them out of this behavior, but right now, you have to wait and see how willing he is to even try.
So he might realize after you dump him that he misses you. Now, as far as I’m concerned, this is a golden opportunity for him to evaluate his own behavior in your relationship, and maybe he will, but it’s hard to say.
What he may realize is that he wants you back, but the two possibilities are the same as if he wants to chase you, so be prepared to take note of his behaviors.
The problem I had with J was that I was just clueless to the whole thing for the first many years. I was always so tickled that he’d reach out that I didn’t think too much about it until I realized he hadn’t changed.
Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Look for improvement and if you don’t see it, keep on walkin’.
He Might Be Brave Enough to Show His True Feelings
I dated a man once, before J, we’ll call him M. M and I dated for a while and he was actually a great guy, but he had a few annoying traits that I can’t even remember now. I ended the relationship when I just couldn’t do it anymore.
We’d been over for about two months when he called and asked if he could come over. I agreed and he showed up on my doorstep crying. Yes, crying.
He sobbed and begged me to take him back. Said he recognized that he’d made mistakes, and he wanted to have another try – no, he begged me for another try. So, I gave him one, but whatever it was that he’d been doing was still going on because the second try only lasted a few weeks.
He May Finally Understand the Consequences of His Actions
Actions have consequences. When you walked away, you established a boundary for how you would allow yourself to be treated. You drew a line in the sand and said I won’t take this crap anymore.
You might have tried to talk to him about his behavior before. I did with J. Like J, he may have promised to do better but never did.
But now that you’ve walked away, he sees the consequences of his actions. Before, you just indicated there would be consequences but never followed through. Following through on consequences is always the best plan.
He may straighten up because he now sees that if he wants to keep you, he must.
He Might Actually Prioritize the Relationship
Snapping him to attention by leaving might cause him to realize that this relationship is important to him. With any luck, he’ll quickly recognize that he needs to do better and will make your relationship a priority now.
Hear him out and, if you want, give him another chance.
He May Not Come Back at All
It’s also possible that he’ll just head off into the sunset and seek out another victim. That’s okay. You were being treated disrespectfully and now, that guy is gone.
In this instance, it’s time for you to take a few actions of your own.
What to Do After You End the Relationship
This is the most powerful time in your life. You’re free of a bad relationship and you have time to burn on you.
Take this time to do a few things for yourself so that when you’re ready for a new relationship, and that is not now, or tomorrow, you’re able to attract a man who will treat you much better!
Evaluate Past Relationships
Take a look at your past relationships. Is this a pattern of behavior for the men you date? If so, there are two things wrong. The first is that your confidence is low, and we’ll address that soon.
The second is that you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. There’s every possibility that once you build your confidence, this problem will take care of itself, but there are things you can do to make sure you look for the perfect man for you.
Make a list of the men from your past, preferably guys you’ve dated for at least a few weeks. Put each man’s name on a paper and draw two columns – positive traits & negative traits. Then fill in each for all of these men.
You’re looking for patterns. What negative traits keep showing up? You want to avoid those in the future. What positive traits are recurring? Those are things you should keep looking for.
Also, look at what happened in each of those relationships. Why did they end? Who ended it? You need to be brutally honest about both your role and his so you can get an honest look at what keeps happening.
Chances are that building your confidence will take care of many of the problems you see in yourself, like jealousy, clinginess, and so on.
Build Your Confidence
There it is. I’ve been alluding to it for the past 3600 words. Low confidence women attract low confidence men. Low confidence men behave the way we’ve been describing.
Aside from that, as you read previously, being in this type of relationship reduces your confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem.
Instead of immediately seeking a new relationship, which will make you feel better, but won’t be a better relationship, take some time off from dating to pull yourself together.
How long is difficult to say. I’d recommend at least a couple of months, if not more.
You must not only rebuild your confidence but define who you are as this new, confident woman. You may decide it’s time for other changes like your career, where you live, and so on.
It’s much easier to make all of these changes while you’re single and unencumbered. Take this time to get to know you again. As we age and our life changes, we change too. Values change. Priorities change. Goals change. Look at all of those areas of your life and determine what your values, priorities, and goals are today.
Rather than spend more time here telling you how to build your confidence, there’s an entire section of this website to do that. You can build your confidence by starting here.
Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You – Wrap Up
In the end, the decision is up to you, but what I hope you choose is to value yourself enough to walk away from someone who does not value you! You deserve better! We all do! I have had zero regrets since walking away from J eighteen months ago.
I still care for him, mostly because his health was so poor, but I don’t talk to him. I don’t seek him out. I don’t drive by his house to see if he’s home. I don’t inquire with his friends. Nothing.
When he comes to mind, I give it a moment, then I move on.
The road ahead is full of reflection and many questions, depending on how he responds to you ending the relationship.
Be smart and wise. Keep emotions out of it if he tries to come back. It’s okay to give things another try, but you know now what he was doing before and as soon as he slides back into those behaviors, exit.
It’s okay to have a sit-down with him and lay your cards on the table. Tell him what’s wrong. He may truly be clueless. This could be the way his parents interacted, and he doesn’t know any other way to be.
Explain how you deserve to be treated and tell him you’ll expect nothing less. It’s okay to give him time to try to be better but keep those lines of communication open and be clear.
When he does well, let him know. Everyone appreciates knowing they’ve done something right. When he starts slipping, kindly and gently explain this to him too.
You’ll know within a few weeks if he’s truly trying to do better or if he just wants to keep treating you badly. Trust your gut!
