How can I Build my Confidence for Women

Table of Contents

Introduction & What is Confidence?
Understanding Confidence
What does Low Confidence Look Like?
How Can I Rebuild My Confidence?
Books to Help Build Your Confidence
Articles to Help You Build Your Confidence

Building confidence for women is such an important topic. It changes every single relationship you have. This is because your low-confidence friends will fall away, either because they're jealous or because you don't enjoy their company.

Great men will be drawn to you because whether they know it or not, they're drawn to confident women. Predatory men will shy away from you because they're too intimidated by you. This is a win-win!

While you might feel nervous and a little apprehensive, I promise you that the process will be mostly fun and easy. There may be a few challenging spots, but if you truly want change, you'll muster the strength and resolve to plow through.

Unfortunately confidence for women isn't a hot topic today, nor has it been a hot topic at any point that I can remember, but I'd like to change that! I can guarantee that when you build your confidence, you'll be happier.

I know this is true because when your confidence is higher, you're happy right where you are. But, maybe you aren't right now and that's okay. You're in great company. Many people feel exactly the same way. The advantage you have is that you're here and ready to embark on a new, confident future full of everything you want.

Confidence, Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

The beginning of your journey consists of a few definitions, so you and I are on the same page. These three terms might seem as if they're the same, but they aren't. Here are clear definitions of each, as well as how you can use them to change your life.

What Does Building Confidence for Women Mean?

Self-Confidence is a feeling of trust in your own abilities, qualities and judgment.

The tricky part of confidence for women and men is that it can be higher and lower in different areas of your life. For example, you can be very confident in your ability to do your job but have no confidence in your ability to knit a sweater or paint a picture. That doesn't mean you can't knit a sweater or paint a picture. It means you must build your confidence in those areas. When you say, "I want to change my life", you don't really believe you can do those things.

Self-confidence impacts your life by making it challenging to try new things. Instead, you continue doing things in which you do have confidence. This keeps you from growing as a person. It keeps you stuck in the same job, dating the same types of men and doing the same things day in and day out.

There are many ways to build confidence for women, which you'll explore below.

Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem is having confidence in your own worth or abilities.

While this sounds like self-confidence, it's not quite the same. When your self-esteem is low, you feel inferior to others. It's about how you feel about yourself in different areas of your life like your intelligence, success, appearance and personality. When you think I want to change my life, what you're really thinking is I'm not as smart/sexy/good as [insert anyone's name], so there's no point in trying to [insert activity].

Low self-esteem impacts your life by making you always feel less-than everyone else. Your mantra is that you aren't good enough. Not good enough for a better job. Not good enough to deserve that great guy across the room. You view everything that happens in your life through this flawed lens. Innocent interactions can leave you feeling hurt and incompetent.

Self-Worth

Self-worth is your own sense of your worth or value as a human being.

When you battle low self-worth, you don't believe you're worth the time to improve your own life with further education, working out or other self-improvement activities. When you say, "I want to change my life", you don't believe you're worth the time or energy that you need to put into it.

Self-worth impacts your life because it undermines any effort you want to put into yourself. It causes you to believe you aren't worthy of the love of a good man. You aren't worthy of putting the time and energy into working out. You don't believe you deserve good things so you don't strive for them.

What does Low Confidence Look Like?

There are many ways in which having low confidence impacts your life and I'm sorry to say none of them are positive impacts.

Building Confidence for Women Happens When You Re-Engage in the Social Scene

When you feel insecure about your social skills, or any other skills that might be seen in a social setting, you're more likely to find excuses to stay home. After all, Ben and Jerry don't judge you because you don't know the latest football standings or what new color Revlon just came out with in nail polish.

Instead of facing embarrassment because you feel inferior, you avoid social situations. You stay checked out of the conversation as much as possible because you second-guess what you might say. Everyone else seems to speak so confidently about the topic but you can't think of what you perceive to be an intelligent contribution.

When you do find yourself in social situations that make you uncomfortable, you rely on your phone or checking your manicure to avoid interactions that make you feel inferior.

Having a strong friend base is very helpful in dating and that's where building confidence for women comes into play!

Expand Your Friend Base

Building confidence for women means building a strong friend base. With confident friends, you have access to more great men. They know people who know people and so on. They can hook you up with guys who are at least known to someone. It's a shade better than online dating.

Secondly, you'll need those friendships from the beginning of dating on through to your married life. Initially, your friends keep you busy doing all sorts of activities from going to Yoga class to learning a hobby together and enjoying friends' nights.

Get and Stay Busy

Confidence for women means staying busy and when you're busy, you present a challenge to a new guy. It puts him in chase mode and makes him want to become important enough in your life to get time on your busy calendar.

This is counter-intuitive I know, but you don't want to be somebody's beck-and-call girl. Being always available is a low-confidence move and a guy will see you as more of someone he can sleep with whenever he wants, rather than someone he wants to chase and date long-term.

These Friends Keep You From Worrying

Additionally, friendships allow you to have something to do when he wants to hang out with his friends. Rather than staying home to pout or worry that he might see a girl he likes better, get out there and do your own thing.

Bonus points if you look hot and leave before him so he sees you! He will enjoy his time out less because he will be worried about you finding a guy you want to be with more than him. Isn't that a nice turn of events!

Friends are there to hear about how bad your day was, how upset you are about losing your cat and how irritated you are with your guy because he refuses to use the laundry hamper in the closet, and chooses the floor instead.

Men can't handle your emotional outbursts, so if you can get the worst of your anger, sadness or irritation out of your system before you see him, he'll be better equipped to handle the remaining fallout.

You Feel Anxious, Pessimistic and Overly Emotional

When you believe you can't do something it makes you anxious. Anxiety is worrying about something in the future - something that hasn't yet happened. You play it out in your mind, over and over, and none of the outcomes you devise are good. This makes you avoid doing that activity because you can't see a positive side to it. You avoid taking risks and growing.

Low confidence also gives you a dim out look of the future, making you feel pessimistic. You're overly critical of everything and you often take those negative feelings out on those around you. You find very little to feel positive about.

With confidence for women on your side, you have less anxiety over the outcome and you experience less emotional turmoil. You're willing to take risks and learn from the outcome of your actions.

You Have Trouble Believing and Accepting Compliments

When someone tells you, "You did a good job!" do you believe them or do you think they're just blowing sunshine up your skirt? Most people don't randomly issue compliments so they probably mean it.

Backing up your statement, "I want to change my life" means being able to say thank you when you receive a compliment. It shows you have confidence and know you did a good job. It shows that you are able to acknowledge your own success and not believe it was a fluke or that they're lying. And no, people don't say that just to make you feel better. They mean it.

Confidence for Women Includes Accepting Constructive Criticism

Another low confidence sign is not being able to accept constructive criticism, when it's delivered properly. When your boss says, "Gee Andrea, if you could put a chart with this data, this report would be perfect!" do you get angry, feel ashamed or want to sink into the flooring? He's just trying to give you a little help, not to put you down. This is constructive criticism.

Being able to say, "Gee Mr. Wilson, that's a great idea! Thanks! I'll get that done and send the report back to you this afternoon!" Skulking off to your office, offended and angry isn't going to endear you to your boss, and yes, he'll find out.

You Don't Practie Self-Care

This area of confidence for women is a tough one for many, but that makes it all the more important!

Taking care of yourself is a great way to show confidence, self-esteem and self-worth. There's the old saying, self-care is selfish, but this isn't true at all. Self care shows you believe you're worthy of being taken care of and it allows you to relax your mind and do something you enjoy.

As a woman, you might have a personality that leads you to be nurturing and that's a great quality, as long as you nurture yourself as well as those around you. If you don't take care of yourself, you're too run down and overloaded to take care of those others who mean so much to you.

Whether it's your parents, a significant other' children or even friends, they want you to take care of yourself, just like you're doing with them. If you don't believe me, ask them!

Your Expectations are Low & You Feel Ashamed

When your confidence is low, you have very low expectations of yourself. This causes you to refuse challenges because you believe you can't rise to them anyway. Your mindset is that failure is your only outcome. To go along with this, you second-guess your own judgment. If you're thinking about going back to school to advance your career, you will question the wisdom of this and due to your low expectations, you'll probably never follow through because you don't believe you can succeed.

Of course, when you try and you don't meet your own expectations, you feel ashamed, which blocks you from gaining a lesson from the experience. Whenever you try something new and it doesn't turn out quite right, instead of feeling shame, look for the lesson. What can you do differently on your next attempt? 

Confidence for Women Happens When You Learn to Say No

When your confidence is low, you don't want to feel rejection, so you fake being friends, even though you don't like someone. You'd rather let an irritating issue go than to risk a confrontation you aren't confident you can win.

In addition to keeping the peace, you might be someone who has trouble saying no when people ask you to do things. This happens when you don't establish boundaries for how other people can treat you. Instead of risking a friendship by telling someone you're busy or otherwise unable to help them, you say yes at the sacrifice of something you wanted to do.

This keeps you stuck in your life in many ways. You may remain stuck in a job you don't like, in a bad relationship or avoiding a potential growth experience. Remember when you say yes to one thing, you're saying no to something else, probably something you value more than whatever you're saying yes to.

Additional Low-Confidence Behaviors

• Spending a lot of time worrying about what others think
• Not trusting your own judgment
• Blaming others, rather than take the blame yourself
• Making excuses when something happens to avoid feeling inferior
• Using defensive body language, like arms crossed over your chest or stern facial expressions
• Apologizing A LOT
• Purchasing things you don't like, just to stay with the trend or avoid the judgment of others
• Telling little white lies to make yourself seem more interesting or accomplished
• Avoiding eye contact, using hair, sunglasses or just looking down
• Using self-deprecating humor to make light of what you see as your imperfections
• Hating change because change brings the unknown, which causes anxiety and fear
• Not enjoying your own success because you either think you don't deserve it or you believe you just got lucky, it had nothing to do with being smart or skilled

You won't see all these signs in yourself. You may only see a couple, but now that you know what they are, it's a double-edged sword. Not only will you see these traits in yourself, but you'll start seeing them in the people around you. Just walking through the grocery store, you'll notice a teen whose hair is covering her face and you'll feel a twinge of sadness and maybe comaradary with her. You'll listen to people make excuses for their short-comings or see someone with defensive body language and you'll know. What you discover is that you're far from alone in your journey. What you know now is that you're ahead of them in your quest to change your life!

Confidence for Women Means Better Relationships!

There are many things you can do to rebuild your confidence. Below are a few, but you can gain more ideas by purchasing the books mentioned on this page and by downloading the free confidence tips by clicking here (link opens in a new window so you won't lose your place). You can also get help by opting for one-on-one email coaching with Gregg and by reading the articles posted at the bottom of the page.

The first thing to understand about your confidence level right now is that it is within your power. That means you can do this with a little bit of grit, determination and motivation.

Repeat it over and over to yourself, with conviction, "I want to change my life!"

Take an Interest in Your Personal Care

Low confidence for women often means not trying very hard to improve their appearance before they go out into the world each morning. Take an extra moment or two to show the world you value yourself enough to look decent for them. I'm not saying you need to value the opinions of others. What you need to do is show you have self-worth. How you present yourself shows how much regard you have for yourself.

Going out in baggy clothing that is stained, has holes or isn't a proper fit (too tight, too loose or too revealing) tells the world you don't place any value on yourself and your appearance. Brush your hair, put on clothing that says you're worthy and swipe on a dab of mascara.

The real bonus to doing this is that it will put a lift in your step. You know you look good and it gives you pride. There's nothing wrong with being a little proud of yourself and there's certainly nothing wrong with feeling great about how you look.

Confidence for Women Through Eliminating Limiting Beliefs

You may not realize it, but you probably have limiting beliefs. These are beliefs that hold you back, without you even knowing they're there. I always like to use love as an example when I explain limiting beliefs.

If your experience with love is that it's a painful process where you fall in love and then there's an ugly breakup, your limiting beliefs about love might go something like this:

Love hurts -> I start out loving a guy, but in the end, I always get hurt -> Love doesn't last -> If I don't fall in love, I won't get hurt

Or this one:

If it's too good to be true, it probably is -> Good things often have a high cost -> Be suspicious of good things that happen -> It's safer to reject good things/gifts/blessings than to pay the price

You can conduct this exercise on your own and you will achieve surprising results. I've done it on several areas of my life and I was surprised at what I learned. Try this on your beliefs about power, money, love, careers and so on.

How to do it

To begin, write down what you want in some of these areas:

• Love
• Money
• Power
• Success
• Religion
• Family
• Men
• Children
• Friendship
• The meaning of life
• Job/work
• Spirituality

Pick a few of those and decide what you want for yourself in those areas. What do you want for your love life? Financially, what do you want to achieve? What type and level of success do you seek?

After That...

Then, dig into your beliefs about those areas, as in the example above. When your beliefs don't support your dreams, you're living at cross-purposes. This means that consciously, you want a great love life, but unconsciously, you believe you can't have one. You want a job where you earn a specific salary, but your beliefs about people who earn a lot of money prevent you from getting there.

As you do this exercise, let your thoughts flow. Don't stop and think. Write the first thing that comes to mind - those are your true thoughts and the ones you want to uncover.

If you discover you're at cross-purposes, it's time to uncover the truth. Do all powerful people act like jerks? Who do you know who is powerful and kind?

Is everyone who's successful unhappy? Think of someone you know who's happy and successful.

Does love always end in disaster? Do you know couples who've been happy for years?

Your limiting beliefs are usually selective in memory, but by examining the truth, you begin to discover that what you believe isn't true and you can then remove the roadblock and work toward your goal!

Confidence for Women Includes Modifying Thought Patterns

Most people go through life not realizing that they're in control of their own thought patterns. We accept what pops into our minds as truth without question or analyzation.

What if you were to stop and examine your thoughts. How many of them put you down or are negative?

• That guy would never go for me, I'm too [fat, ugly, dumb, whatever insult your mind conjurs up]
• My boss won't promote me because I'm not good enough at my job
• I will never amount to anything
• I'm not [pretty, smart, witty, or whatever else you wish you were]
• No guy will like me because I'm a loser
• I can't lose weight because it's too hard

You get the idea. Confidence for women means taking a stand against these negative thoughts! Is there even one of them that you would say to someone else? No? I thought so, so why is it okay to say them to yourself? It isn't!

Keep Track of Your Thoughts

Keep a little notebook with you and start taking note of these thoughts. As they float into your mind, write them down, then write a positive statement that replaces each one.

• That guy over there is cute! If I say "hello" as I walk by, maybe he'll approach me later!
• I can get a promotion! I'm just as qualified, if not more so, than everyone else!
• I can do anything I set my mind to
• For sure, I am pretty, smart, witty and fun to be around!
• Any guy would be lucky to date me!
• I can lose weight once I set my mind to it

Rinse and Repeat

At first, you won't believe these thoughts, but if you keep repeating them to yourself, they will begin to overwrite the negatives imprinted on your brain. This isn't an overnight process. It takes a few weeks to set in. You didn't get here overnight and you won't overcome it that fast either. This is where your determination comes into play!

Prepare for Your Goals

If you want a better job, start taking classes or obtaining the certification you need. Tell yourself you can and you will. You can achieve anything you set your mind to, but some of it takes preparation. This is a huge step in confidence for women!

As you examine your goals, look at what steps are needed to help you get there. Who do you need help from? Would a babysitter help? Do you need someone to carpool with? Do you need to purchase the class or workbooks? Are there supplies you need?

You Have to Make an Effort

Once you start your journey, put 100% effort into it. If you need to study or practice, set aside time to do so. I know a college professor who gets so annoyed at the end of each semester when his students come to him, asking what they can do to get their grade up. The answer he would like to give is you should have done the work throughout the semester. The answer he gives is, "No." Learning new things takes time and practice.

An Example

I had a coaching client who went back to college, twenty years after graduating the first time. She was taking a math class and it was a struggle since she hadn't seen a math book in a long, long time. To succeed, she worked every problem in the book that had a solution in the back so she could check her work.

She did every homework assignment and showed up to every class, even though it was a night class and it meant getting a babysitter. She studied hard for the tests and went to every review session with her practice test in hand. As a result, she ended up with an "A" in the class and her confidence was immediately boosted for the remainder of her college courses.

Anything is possible if you put in the time and energy.

Practice Your Smile

Nothing brightens the day of someone who's down like a smile. It will make you feel better and it will make the person receiving your smile feel better too. Many times, we are absorbed in our own thoughts and we don't think about how that scowl comes across to others. You might be scowling over something your boss said to you right before you left or because your boyfriend ditched you for tonight's date. To someone who doesn't know what you're thinking, they might think you're scowling at them.

Instead, make a point of smiling at people. Many times, you'll see a grateful smile back. It's something that takes so little effort and yet, it will help you build your confidence and brighten someone else's day!

Confidence for Women May Mean Faking it Until You Make It

Even before you feel more confident, you can act as if you are. There are small body language cues you can adopt to help you get started. For example, when you're walking, walk with your head up so you can look people in the eye (don't forget to smile too!). Looking down is a low-confidence signal.

While you're walking with your head up, square your shoulders instead of slouching. This not only improves your confidence, but it's much better for your back and digestion. Slouching is a way of retreating into yourself but squaring your shoulders sends a confident woman signal.

Body Language

Use open body language. Pay attention to where your arms are when you're standing or conversing. Try to avoid crossing them over your chest in a closed body language. Hang them at your sides, put them in your pockets or become a 'hand talker' and use them as you speak, kindly of course.

Opinions

When you're speaking with someone, share your thoughts and opinions. Don't be afraid to say what you believe. It's okay to disagree with people. Many people, especially men, enjoy some friendly banter.

Boundaries

Establish boundaries by thinking about instances during which you felt used or like a doormat. Those are the first places boundaries need to go. Decide how you want people to treat you and then accept nothing less.

All of these things will feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you do them, the better they'll fit and the more confident you'll become! The first few times will be a little stressful but you can power through! I know you can!

Change Your Outlook on Failure

Nobody expects you to grasp something new the first time you try it. I was speaking with a man the other day who has taken a job with a large banking corporation as a coder. He knows code, but of course, not the version his new employer uses, so he's been very anxious about his learning curve. I reminded him that nobody expects him to get it right away, but he's always had an easy time learning and he's frustrated anyway.

What I also pointed out to him is that he's learning by his mistakes. He shared an instance where they were working in code he knew and he was asked to troubleshoot a problem. But when he fixed that problem, another arose. What he didn't realize was that there were two breaks, not just one. He learned something, even though initially it felt as if he failed.

It's All About Your Point of View

Failure is what you make of it. You can go sulk and think you're dumb, or you can dig in and learn how to do it better the next time. That's how we learn. Think back to learning to ride a bike. You didn't hop on it and ride it down the sidewalk the first time. It took your mom and dad running along beside you several times before you got the hang of it.

For some reason, when we exit childhood, we expect we won't fail first any more and that's just unrealistic. Even with something you know, it's possible to experience difficulties. That's how life works.

When you look at those failures as learning opportunities, you begin to see them as a challenge, instead of a personal insult. What can you do differently? Do you need to learn something or find another tool? Take those experiences and make the best of them.

Build Confidence for Women by Managing Anxity and Ruminations

Ruminating is reviewing something from the past over and over, trying to work it through in your mind to a different outcome. Of course, you don't own a time machine, so you can't change the past. This keeps your confidence low because you're going over something you're blaming yourself for, instead of looking for the learning opportunity.

Anxiety is anticipating the future, usually in all the worst possible scenarios until you've worried yourself into a state of accelerated heart rate and a desire to flee. We can't predict the future and we cannot control how someone else will react to something we say or do. The only thing you can control is yourself right now. You can control how you react to someone else, but not vice versa, yet in our anxious thoughts, we know exactly what the other person will say when we deliver our news and it's never good.

Recognize when you're ruminating or anxious and end those thoughts. Remind yourself that you cannot change the past, nor can you control the future. All you can do is live your life to the best of your ability. Take some deep breaths to help calm down or go for a ten-minute walk. A workout is even better if you can fit it in. Breathing deeply sends a relax signal to your brain, telling it things are okay now and it can shut down the fight or flight mechanisms that are in overdrive. Workouts burn off those chemicals your body was pumping when your anxiety was high, replacing them with happy hormones. Other ways to calm down include splashing cold water on your face and listening to favorite music or a favorite comedian.

Recall a Confident Time

Everyone has a moment somewhere in life where they looked in the mirror and thought, "Darn I look great today!" Recall those times and ask yourself, how would I be acting right now if I felt like that again?

Channel that confident energy into your day and use your fake it until you make it skills to more forward. What would you be doing if you felt that way right now? Where would you go? What would you wear? Who would you hang out with?

Use the answers to those questions to bring about a more confident feeling. It sounds silly, but it works. Get your mindset out of the duldroms and onto happier times.

Know It's Okay to Have a Bad Day

Bad days happen, there's no question about that. The question is whether you allow one bad day to ruin your entire week. When you are experiencing a bad day, it's okay. This isn't your whole life, it's one day out of thousands. Even though the day may be difficult to get through, don't allow it to completely overcome you. Move through the negative emotions and allow them to flow through you, not get stuck.

Learn to feel those bad emotions and let them pass right on by. A great analogy is to imagine those feelings are leaves passing by on a babbling brook. They flow right by. You can label them as they go by to help. "Super angry." "Feeling disappointed right now." "Very sad". Whatever you're feeling, label it and allow it to pass.

When you go to bed, resolve to let this bad day go and have a great day tomorrow. Then, when you wake up, tell yourself it's going to be a great day!

Some things that can start your day on a good foot are ignoring the news and avoiding confrontation. If you want to discuss something with your significant other or your kids, save it for later in the day, rather than digging into it when everyone is rushing to get out the door. Since much of the news is bad, turn on a station that plays your favorite music instead. Going to work singing is much better than going in looking for doom and gloom.

A Few More Ways to Build Confidence for Women

• Don't compare yourself to others - comparison is the thief of joy
• Embrace yourself for who you are - a unique and beautiful individual
• Know what you value and adhere to those values
• Don't be afraid to take risks, face your fears and overcome
• Have goals and achieve them, even if it's in small steps; reward yourself for a job well done
• Don't rely on your memory for factual information
• Surround yourself with confident, happy, positive people
• Be kind and generous to others
• Become good at something, like a hobby or some aspect of your career
• Change small habits like learning to write things down or waking up ten to fifteen minutes earlier
• Volunteer and help others
• Practice gratitude and focus on your lessings instead of your failures
• Exercise - it gets the happy hormones flowing
• Clear your desk or clean your house - messes come from messes

Books to Help Women Build Confidence