
Keeping Secrets in Relationships
Keeping secrets in relationships might feel like a good idea at the time, but ultimately, they cause much more harm than good.
Most often, we keep secrets as a protective measure. We’re either afraid of repercussions, embarrassment, or of hurting someone else.
But keeping secrets in relationships can cause real harm and often feel like deep betrayal. Today, I’d like to dig into why people keep secrets, the harm it can do, and whether it’s possible to overcome that damage.
One thing before we dig in. I want to distinguish the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy involves not sharing things that don’t directly impact your relationship, like something work-related. Secrecy involves not sharing something that is relevant to the relationship or could potentially harm it.

Why Do People Keep Secrets?
It seems logical to start here, doesn’t it? Why do people keep secrets? We’ve been doing it since the beginning of time, so it isn’t something new.
Keeping Secrets in Relationships to Protect Yourself
It’s natural to want to protect yourself from harm of course, but sometimes that protective measure can ultimately cause more harm than good.
Avoid Judgement
One reason you might keep a secret is to avoid being judged by someone. Let’s say you’ve met a new guy, and you really like him, but you’re afraid that if you tell him you’re a recovering alcoholic, he may judge you and shy away.
So, you keep that secret from him, thinking it’s not really very important anyway. You haven’t had a drink in years, afraid he’ll judge you for what you believe is a prior weakness.
Allow me to play devil’s advocate for a second, okay?
Suppose you told him about your recovery journey and instead of weakness, he sees incredible strength. He recognizes that recovering from alcoholism is very difficult, and the fact that you’ve been sober for several years is admirable.
In fact, he supports you in your sober journey and abstains from alcohol himself.
We cannot control what others think and feel, but it is important for any potential partner to know all of you so he can love all of you. If he truly loves you, he won’t judge you for your past but will instead see it as part of what makes you the beautiful woman you are today.
Conversely, a man who does judge you for your past shouldn’t be part of your future anyway, so see ya later pal!
Avoid Negative Consequences
Sometimes, people keep secrets to avoid more serious consequences, like legal or social repercussions.
It may be that releasing your secret will cause you to experience some very negative consequences, like revealing that you’ve been having an affair with your best friend’s ex-boyfriend. Socially, this may put you in danger of losing not only that friendship, but the friendships of those who will stand with your friend.
You may keep your political affiliation a secret, fearing that you’ll lose friends if they know you’re on the opposite side.
Self-Preservation
Sometimes, we see keeping a secret as a way to keep ourselves from getting hurt or avoid a conflict with someone.
For example, you may see something going on at work that is wrong – so very wrong that you really should tell someone to keep others from being harmed. So you do it – you become a whistle-blower, but you don’t want the whole world to know.
Often, whistle-blowers get a bum rap and that’s the last thing you want, but you are still committed to doing the right thing.
Another secret kept for self-preservation is if you’re a victim of domestic abuse. Even though friends and family can see the bruises and scars, you deny, deny, deny out of self-preservation. The fear of retaliation from your abuser is real and it’s strong so you keep the secret.
Maintain Confidentiality
Sometimes, a secret must be kept so you can keep your promise of confidentiality, whether it’s a workplace confidentiality or a promise you made to a friend.
Those promises aren’t made lightly, and in the case of workplace confidentiality, you may put yourself at legal risk if you divulge anything.
Keeping Secrets Because of Low Self-Esteem
Sometimes, we keep secrets because self-esteem is low, and you fear people won’t accept you if you share. Instead of prioritizing the truth, you put the opinions of others ahead of your own opinion of yourself, making secret-keeping a necessity.
These types of secrets might relate to your past, your finances, your true living situation, or a host of other things that you think others will judge you for. You crave their acceptance, so you keep those things a secret.

The Consequences of Keeping Secrets in Relationships
Secret-keeping never ends well. There are several negative consequences that can harm your relationship.
Emotional Distress
The stress of keeping a secret weighs on you to the point of emotional distress. You may feel guilty for not sharing your secret with your partner, or you might feel anxious that he’ll figure it out and leave you.
You may also feel isolated because you have this secret and you’re so terrified of someone finding out that you socially isolate yourself as a means of protection.
Eroding Trust
While your partner might not know right now that you have a secret, he will eventually find out, one way or another.
When he does, he will feel as if he can’t trust you like he did before. This is true of any relationship you have. The person who’s been kept in the dark will often feel betrayed and will find it hard to believe the things you say moving forward.
Health Issues
Keeping secrets is stressful and puts you in a state of chronic stress, which, in turn, causes damage to your mind and body.
When you’re experiencing chronic stress, you’re essentially in a constant state of fight or flight, with the hormones associated with that stress constantly flowing through your body.
These hormones are meant to be temporary, turned on and off when required, so to have them running all of the time causes many problems like a higher risk of heart attack, high blood pressure, sleep issues, sexual dysfunction, headaches, and a host of others.
Limited Growth
By keeping a secret, you’re stalling out your relationships and probably some aspects of your life.
In today’s world of everything being available to find online, it’s difficult to keep some secrets, so eventually, someone will find out. But meanwhile, what damage are you doing to yourself and others?
For one, your relationship with your partner will stall out at some point. You may feel ashamed without your partner having a clue as to why. Additionally, you might inadvertently put emotional distance between yourself and your partner as a means of protecting that secret.
Lack of Resources
When you keep a secret, you’re limiting the resources available to trouble-shoot the problem.
Sometimes, friends and family members can see solutions that you cannot, but by keeping them out of the loop, they just know something is wrong, but they don’t know what to do to help. Whether you mean to or not, you’re putting distance between you and others by not allowing them to help.
Relationship Toxins
Imagine that your relationship is like a garden. When it’s new, it’s mostly seedlings or very small plants that you’ve placed so they will grow.
As time passes, these seedlings and plants continue to grow until one day, some of them die off and others look pretty weak.
What you don’t know is that there’s an undercurrent of poison beneath your garden, slowly killing the roots of your plants as they grow.
That’s how secrets work in a relationship. They create an undercurrent of poison beneath the relationship you’re trying to grow.
Reduced Intimacy
People mistake intimacy for sex. Sex does not create intimacy. If it did, prostitutes would have an intimate relationship with their partners, but they don’t.
Intimacy is built through building trust and sharing experiences together – good and bad. You build intimacy when you trust that you can share your deepest vulnerabilities with your partner without repercussions.
By keeping secrets, you erode that intimacy and create an environment where there is no trust.
Not All Secrets are Kept for Malicious Reasons
Just because someone has a secret doesn’t mean they intend to do any harm to anyone. As you read, many secrets are kept for reasons of self-preservation, not to harm someone else. Other secrets are kept to keep from harming someone.
Other times, someone may not recognize the harm that the secret will cause, or they may believe that the truth of the situation is inconsequential and therefore not necessary to share.
But that doesn’t take away the sting when you find out someone has kept something from you or vice versa, does it?

Overcoming Keeping Secrets in Relationships
I guess it all sounds kind of hopeless at this point, right? Those secrets are there, waiting to bubble up to the surface. What can you do?
There are two perspectives to work through. The first is if you’re the one keeping the secret, and the second is if your partner has kept a secret from you.
When You Have the Secret
The first thing to do is look at the underlying cause of your secret-keeping.
Karrie had a mother who had serious anger management issues, so she learned from a young age to keep secrets from her. Of course, her mother always discovered her secrets because she would go through Karrie’s things, and then there was hell to pay.
And yet, Karrie continued to keep secrets from her mother because she could at least delay the wrath of her mother and hope that this secret wouldn’t be discovered.
Into adulthood, Karrie maintained her fear of sharing things because she had a conditioned fear response to sharing her secrets. Regardless of what she told her mother, there was always an angry outburst to follow. She was damned if she did and damned if she didn’t.
Your cause for keeping secrets might not be so dramatic, but what is the root of your need to keep secrets? When you decide to share your secret with your partner, it may help to have a deeper understanding of your own issues as a way to diffuse the situation.
Be Honest and Open
When it’s time to share your secret, be as open and honest with your partner as you can be. You cannot control his reaction, regardless of how many times you’ve anxiously played out this scenario in your head.
Be open to discussing your feelings, and his, as you work through sharing your secret. Remember, he’s with you now because he loves and cares for you, so while he may be angry, he still wants to help.
Take Responsibility
You’re the one who kept this secret and has now caused whatever damage was done to your relationship. Take ownership of your actions and acknowledge that this is your responsibility.
Don’t sit there and find others to blame. That only makes things worse. Yes, someone from your past might have conditioned you to keep secrets, like Karrie’s mom, but you still made a choice that you need to own.
Show Remorse and Apologize
While an apology may feel empty in the moment, it’s important in the healing process. Also, it’s important to express how sorry you are for keeping this secret in the first place.
These two things go a long way in repairing the damage the secret may have caused.
But know that your partner may still need time to reconcile his own feelings. While you’ve been dealing with this secret for a while, he just now discovered it and he needs to catch up.
Resolve to Work on the Problem
The most important thing someone wants to know is whether they can expect this to happen again. If something in your past has conditioned you to keep secrets, then it’s time to work on that, perhaps with a professional.
This will help your partner understand that you truly want to do better and be a better person.
Set Boundaries
For the future of your relationship, you need boundaries that establish what information you both feel should be shared versus what you can keep to yourself. Additionally, set boundaries for conflict resolution, like no yelling or bringing up past offenses.
Share Your Vulnerabilities
Nobody wants to feel vulnerable, and that’s sometimes why we keep secrets, but sharing those vulnerabilities builds trust and intimacy in your relationship, so they’re necessary!
By sharing your vulnerabilities, you can re-establish trust and help your partner feel safe in the relationship again.
Be a Good Listener
By sharing your secret, you’ve uncapped whatever reaction your partner will have. Rather than arguing with him, listen. He’s hurt now and feeling betrayed.
Listen to what he has to say and then formulate a response that is empathetic and meets his needs in this situation, not yours.
Be Willing to do Couple’s Therapy
It’s possible that the only way around this deception is with couple’s therapy. These therapists are great at working through relationship issues and giving both of you tools to help you move forward in a healthy way.
If He Has the Secret
If your partner is revealing a secret to you, there are some things you can do to work through the situation.
Be Empathetic
Everyone has had a secret at some point, so be empathetic as your partner shares his secret. Acknowledge the difficulty he experienced in getting the courage to share with you at this time.
Put yourself in his shoes – what would you want someone to say to you? If you could have your wish of the best outcome of sharing your own secret, what would you want to see and hear? Do and say that!
Acknowledge the Vulnerability
By sharing his secret, your partner is showing his soft underbelly and he’s very scared. He’s showing a great level of vulnerability and it’s important that you acknowledge this.
In some instances, it may be helpful for you to share your own vulnerability with him. Maybe not in that exact moment, but soon after. This way, he sees that you trust him as much as he trusted you.
Temper Your Reaction
His secret may make you feel angry or upset, but you have control of your emotions, and this is an important time to exercise that control.
Doing things like counting to ten can help you avoid reacting in a way that you’ll regret later, so start there.
Give yourself a moment to process not just how this is impacting you, but how it’s impacting him. He’s scared to death that he’ll lose you because of this secret – that’s why he kept it to begin with.
So, take some time to react in a way that’s healthier for your relationship. Take a few deep breaths and consider your words before you say them.
Don’t Interrupt
Allow him to say what he wants to say without interruption. You may feel immediate empathy and want to reach out, but it took a lot of courage for him to experience this moment with you and he needs to get everything out.
Force yourself to wait to speak. This will allow you to respond appropriately and to be sure your reaction is appropriate and not impulsive.
Use “I” Statements
It’s so important to use “I” statements in any challenging conversation. Instead of saying, “You just laid a lot on me” you can say, “I need a few moments to process what you just said.”
It’s hard to argue with something someone says when they use “I” instead of “you.” It’s a more effective way of expressing what you’re feeling without placing blame at the same time.
Restate What You Heard
Once you’ve processed what he’s said, paraphrase it and state it back to him, “What I heard you say, Jim, is that you’ve been keeping your financial situation from me while you try to improve it. Am I right?”
This way, you can say back what you think you heard, and he can make any corrections if he wants or needs to. It helps keep things on track and avoids misunderstandings.

In Either Direction…
There are things to do, regardless of who’s keeping the secret.
Take a Break
Once the person holding the secret has shared it, it may be a good idea to take a break from one another so you can both process what just happened.
In this way, you avoid saying things you’ll only want to take back later, and you give yourself time to process the words between you.
Once you’re both feeling calm and collected again, you can come back together and have a more meaningful discussion about the situation and what to do next.
Have a Calm Discussion
This is why you walk away for a bit. You can both allow your emotions to settle down. The person who’s kept the secret probably had some fight or flight hormones flowing through, so this gives them time to let those abate and return to normal.
Additionally, you’ll never have a healthy discussion with angry or spiteful words.
Place Emphasis on Understanding
Rather than worry about placing blame, which is a waste of time, focus your energy on understanding why this happened.
If the secret-keeper has something from their past that’s led them here, you can be more understanding of how their life has led them here.
Then, you can work through strategies to help you both be more honest with one another in the future.
Consider Couple’s Therapy
I just wrote about this, but it can be so important and helpful, especially if the underlying cause is in your relationship.
A professional will provide you with the tools required to rebuild trust and work through the issues raised when the secret was revealed.
Consider Individual Therapy
Many times, these fears and habits are formed many years before you met your partner, so individual therapy can also be helpful in eliminating the need to keep secrets in the first place. You can work through the conditioning you have and learn to be more vulnerable.
The Timing of Sharing a Secret
There are good and bad times to share a secret. Let’s quickly look at both so you know when it’s a good time to share.
Don’t Share When…
- It’s bedtime
- One or both of you are already in a bad mood
- One or both of you are drunk or high
- Either of you are already stressed about something else
- Either of you are too tired or not feeling well
- There’s already something negative you’re dealing with
Good Times to Share
- When you’re both feeling calm and happy
- When neither of you is in a hurry
- At a time when you’re somewhere private
Wrapping Up Keeping Secrets in Relationships
Obviously, keeping secrets in a relationship isn’t usually a good idea. You may feel as if you’re sparing your partner from something awful or from worrying, but in the end, they will feel resentful and the trust between you will take a hit.
Still, things happen, and we all have secrets, so hopefully the advice above will help you share your secret in a way that will provide the best results.
Just remember, no matter how much time you anxiously spend imagining his reaction to your secret, you cannot control how he will react. All you can control is how you react to him once he knows.