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Keeping Secrets in Relationships

Keeping secrets in relationships might feel like a good idea at the time, but ultimately, they cause much more harm than good.

Most often, we keep secrets as a protective measure. We’re either afraid of repercussions, embarrassment, or of hurting someone else.

But keeping secrets in relationships can cause real harm and often feel like deep betrayal. Today, I’d like to dig into why people keep secrets, the harm it can do, and whether it’s possible to overcome that damage.

One thing before we dig in. I want to distinguish the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy involves not sharing things that don’t directly impact your relationship, like something work-related. Secrecy involves not sharing something that is relevant to the relationship or could potentially harm it.

Why Do People Keep Secrets?

It seems logical to start here, doesn’t it? Why do people keep secrets? We’ve been doing it since the beginning of time, so it isn’t something new.

Keeping Secrets in Relationships to Protect Yourself

It’s natural to want to protect yourself from harm of course, but sometimes that protective measure can ultimately cause more harm than good.

Avoid Judgement

One reason you might keep a secret is to avoid being judged by someone. Let’s say you’ve met a new guy, and you really like him, but you’re afraid that if you tell him you’re a recovering alcoholic, he may judge you and shy away.

So, you keep that secret from him, thinking it’s not really very important anyway. You haven’t had a drink in years, afraid he’ll judge you for what you believe is a prior weakness.

Allow me to play devil’s advocate for a second, okay?

Suppose you told him about your recovery journey and instead of weakness, he sees incredible strength. He recognizes that recovering from alcoholism is very difficult, and the fact that you’ve been sober for several years is admirable.

In fact, he supports you in your sober journey and abstains from alcohol himself.

We cannot control what others think and feel, but it is important for any potential partner to know all of you so he can love all of you. If he truly loves you, he won’t judge you for your past but will instead see it as part of what makes you the beautiful woman you are today.

Conversely, a man who does judge you for your past shouldn’t be part of your future anyway, so see ya later pal!

Avoid Negative Consequences

Sometimes, people keep secrets to avoid more serious consequences, like legal or social repercussions.

It may be that releasing your secret will cause you to experience some very negative consequences, like revealing that you’ve been having an affair with your best friend’s ex-boyfriend. Socially, this may put you in danger of losing not only that friendship, but the friendships of those who will stand with your friend.

You may keep your political affiliation a secret, fearing that you’ll lose friends if they know you’re on the opposite side.

Self-Preservation

Sometimes, we see keeping a secret as a way to keep ourselves from getting hurt or avoid a conflict with someone.

For example, you may see something going on at work that is wrong – so very wrong that you really should tell someone to keep others from being harmed. So you do it – you become a whistle-blower, but you don’t want the whole world to know.

Often, whistle-blowers get a bum rap and that’s the last thing you want, but you are still committed to doing the right thing.

Another secret kept for self-preservation is if you’re a victim of domestic abuse. Even though friends and family can see the bruises and scars, you deny, deny, deny out of self-preservation. The fear of retaliation from your abuser is real and it’s strong so you keep the secret.

Maintain Confidentiality

Sometimes, a secret must be kept so you can keep your promise of confidentiality, whether it’s a workplace confidentiality or a promise you made to a friend.

Those promises aren’t made lightly, and in the case of workplace confidentiality, you may put yourself at legal risk if you divulge anything.

Keeping Secrets Because of Low Self-Esteem

Sometimes, we keep secrets because self-esteem is low, and you fear people won’t accept you if you share. Instead of prioritizing the truth, you put the opinions of others ahead of your own opinion of yourself, making secret-keeping a necessity.

These types of secrets might relate to your past, your finances, your true living situation, or a host of other things that you think others will judge you for. You crave their acceptance, so you keep those things a secret.

The Consequences of Keeping Secrets in Relationships

Secret-keeping never ends well. There are several negative consequences that can harm your relationship.

Emotional Distress

The stress of keeping a secret weighs on you to the point of emotional distress. You may feel guilty for not sharing your secret with your partner, or you might feel anxious that he’ll figure it out and leave you.

You may also feel isolated because you have this secret and you’re so terrified of someone finding out that you socially isolate yourself as a means of protection.

Eroding Trust

While your partner might not know right now that you have a secret, he will eventually find out, one way or another.

When he does, he will feel as if he can’t trust you like he did before. This is true of any relationship you have. The person who’s been kept in the dark will often feel betrayed and will find it hard to believe the things you say moving forward.

Health Issues

Keeping secrets is stressful and puts you in a state of chronic stress, which, in turn, causes damage to your mind and body.

When you’re experiencing chronic stress, you’re essentially in a constant state of fight or flight, with the hormones associated with that stress constantly flowing through your body.

These hormones are meant to be temporary, turned on and off when required, so to have them running all of the time causes many problems like a higher risk of heart attack, high blood pressure, sleep issues, sexual dysfunction, headaches, and a host of others.

Limited Growth

By keeping a secret, you’re stalling out your relationships and probably some aspects of your life.

In today’s world of everything being available to find online, it’s difficult to keep some secrets, so eventually, someone will find out. But meanwhile, what damage are you doing to yourself and others?

For one, your relationship with your partner will stall out at some point. You may feel ashamed without your partner having a clue as to why. Additionally, you might inadvertently put emotional distance between yourself and your partner as a means of protecting that secret.

Lack of Resources

When you keep a secret, you’re limiting the resources available to trouble-shoot the problem.

Sometimes, friends and family members can see solutions that you cannot, but by keeping them out of the loop, they just know something is wrong, but they don’t know what to do to help. Whether you mean to or not, you’re putting distance between you and others by not allowing them to help.

Relationship Toxins

Imagine that your relationship is like a garden. When it’s new, it’s mostly seedlings or very small plants that you’ve placed so they will grow.

As time passes, these seedlings and plants continue to grow until one day, some of them die off and others look pretty weak.

What you don’t know is that there’s an undercurrent of poison beneath your garden, slowly killing the roots of your plants as they grow.

That’s how secrets work in a relationship. They create an undercurrent of poison beneath the relationship you’re trying to grow.

Reduced Intimacy

People mistake intimacy for sex. Sex does not create intimacy. If it did, prostitutes would have an intimate relationship with their partners, but they don’t.

Intimacy is built through building trust and sharing experiences together – good and bad. You build intimacy when you trust that you can share your deepest vulnerabilities with your partner without repercussions.

By keeping secrets, you erode that intimacy and create an environment where there is no trust.

Not All Secrets are Kept for Malicious Reasons

Just because someone has a secret doesn’t mean they intend to do any harm to anyone. As you read, many secrets are kept for reasons of self-preservation, not to harm someone else. Other secrets are kept to keep from harming someone.

Other times, someone may not recognize the harm that the secret will cause, or they may believe that the truth of the situation is inconsequential and therefore not necessary to share.

But that doesn’t take away the sting when you find out someone has kept something from you or vice versa, does it?

Overcoming Keeping Secrets in Relationships

I guess it all sounds kind of hopeless at this point, right? Those secrets are there, waiting to bubble up to the surface. What can you do?

There are two perspectives to work through. The first is if you’re the one keeping the secret, and the second is if your partner has kept a secret from you.

When You Have the Secret

The first thing to do is look at the underlying cause of your secret-keeping.

Karrie had a mother who had serious anger management issues, so she learned from a young age to keep secrets from her. Of course, her mother always discovered her secrets because she would go through Karrie’s things, and then there was hell to pay.

And yet, Karrie continued to keep secrets from her mother because she could at least delay the wrath of her mother and hope that this secret wouldn’t be discovered.

Into adulthood, Karrie maintained her fear of sharing things because she had a conditioned fear response to sharing her secrets. Regardless of what she told her mother, there was always an angry outburst to follow. She was damned if she did and damned if she didn’t.

Your cause for keeping secrets might not be so dramatic, but what is the root of your need to keep secrets? When you decide to share your secret with your partner, it may help to have a deeper understanding of your own issues as a way to diffuse the situation.

Be Honest and Open

When it’s time to share your secret, be as open and honest with your partner as you can be. You cannot control his reaction, regardless of how many times you’ve anxiously played out this scenario in your head.

Be open to discussing your feelings, and his, as you work through sharing your secret. Remember, he’s with you now because he loves and cares for you, so while he may be angry, he still wants to help.

Take Responsibility

You’re the one who kept this secret and has now caused whatever damage was done to your relationship. Take ownership of your actions and acknowledge that this is your responsibility.

Don’t sit there and find others to blame. That only makes things worse. Yes, someone from your past might have conditioned you to keep secrets, like Karrie’s mom, but you still made a choice that you need to own.

Show Remorse and Apologize

While an apology may feel empty in the moment, it’s important in the healing process. Also, it’s important to express how sorry you are for keeping this secret in the first place.

These two things go a long way in repairing the damage the secret may have caused.

But know that your partner may still need time to reconcile his own feelings. While you’ve been dealing with this secret for a while, he just now discovered it and he needs to catch up.

Resolve to Work on the Problem

The most important thing someone wants to know is whether they can expect this to happen again. If something in your past has conditioned you to keep secrets, then it’s time to work on that, perhaps with a professional.

This will help your partner understand that you truly want to do better and be a better person.

Set Boundaries

For the future of your relationship, you need boundaries that establish what information you both feel should be shared versus what you can keep to yourself. Additionally, set boundaries for conflict resolution, like no yelling or bringing up past offenses.

Share Your Vulnerabilities

Nobody wants to feel vulnerable, and that’s sometimes why we keep secrets, but sharing those vulnerabilities builds trust and intimacy in your relationship, so they’re necessary!

By sharing your vulnerabilities, you can re-establish trust and help your partner feel safe in the relationship again.

Be a Good Listener

By sharing your secret, you’ve uncapped whatever reaction your partner will have. Rather than arguing with him, listen. He’s hurt now and feeling betrayed.

Listen to what he has to say and then formulate a response that is empathetic and meets his needs in this situation, not yours.

Be Willing to do Couple’s Therapy

It’s possible that the only way around this deception is with couple’s therapy. These therapists are great at working through relationship issues and giving both of you tools to help you move forward in a healthy way.

If He Has the Secret

If your partner is revealing a secret to you, there are some things you can do to work through the situation.

Be Empathetic

Everyone has had a secret at some point, so be empathetic as your partner shares his secret. Acknowledge the difficulty he experienced in getting the courage to share with you at this time.

Put yourself in his shoes – what would you want someone to say to you? If you could have your wish of the best outcome of sharing your own secret, what would you want to see and hear? Do and say that!

Acknowledge the Vulnerability

By sharing his secret, your partner is showing his soft underbelly and he’s very scared. He’s showing a great level of vulnerability and it’s important that you acknowledge this.

In some instances, it may be helpful for you to share your own vulnerability with him. Maybe not in that exact moment, but soon after. This way, he sees that you trust him as much as he trusted you.

Temper Your Reaction

His secret may make you feel angry or upset, but you have control of your emotions, and this is an important time to exercise that control.

Doing things like counting to ten can help you avoid reacting in a way that you’ll regret later, so start there.

Give yourself a moment to process not just how this is impacting you, but how it’s impacting him. He’s scared to death that he’ll lose you because of this secret – that’s why he kept it to begin with.

So, take some time to react in a way that’s healthier for your relationship. Take a few deep breaths and consider your words before you say them.

Don’t Interrupt

Allow him to say what he wants to say without interruption. You may feel immediate empathy and want to reach out, but it took a lot of courage for him to experience this moment with you and he needs to get everything out.

Force yourself to wait to speak. This will allow you to respond appropriately and to be sure your reaction is appropriate and not impulsive.

Use “I” Statements

It’s so important to use “I” statements in any challenging conversation. Instead of saying, “You just laid a lot on me” you can say, “I need a few moments to process what you just said.”

It’s hard to argue with something someone says when they use “I” instead of “you.” It’s a more effective way of expressing what you’re feeling without placing blame at the same time.

Restate What You Heard

Once you’ve processed what he’s said, paraphrase it and state it back to him, “What I heard you say, Jim, is that you’ve been keeping your financial situation from me while you try to improve it. Am I right?”

This way, you can say back what you think you heard, and he can make any corrections if he wants or needs to. It helps keep things on track and avoids misunderstandings.

In Either Direction…

There are things to do, regardless of who’s keeping the secret.

Take a Break

Once the person holding the secret has shared it, it may be a good idea to take a break from one another so you can both process what just happened.

In this way, you avoid saying things you’ll only want to take back later, and you give yourself time to process the words between you.

Once you’re both feeling calm and collected again, you can come back together and have a more meaningful discussion about the situation and what to do next.

Have a Calm Discussion

This is why you walk away for a bit. You can both allow your emotions to settle down. The person who’s kept the secret probably had some fight or flight hormones flowing through, so this gives them time to let those abate and return to normal.

Additionally, you’ll never have a healthy discussion with angry or spiteful words.

Place Emphasis on Understanding

Rather than worry about placing blame, which is a waste of time, focus your energy on understanding why this happened.

If the secret-keeper has something from their past that’s led them here, you can be more understanding of how their life has led them here.

Then, you can work through strategies to help you both be more honest with one another in the future.

Consider Couple’s Therapy

I just wrote about this, but it can be so important and helpful, especially if the underlying cause is in your relationship.

A professional will provide you with the tools required to rebuild trust and work through the issues raised when the secret was revealed.

Consider Individual Therapy

Many times, these fears and habits are formed many years before you met your partner, so individual therapy can also be helpful in eliminating the need to keep secrets in the first place. You can work through the conditioning you have and learn to be more vulnerable.

The Timing of Sharing a Secret

There are good and bad times to share a secret. Let’s quickly look at both so you know when it’s a good time to share.

Don’t Share When…

It’s bedtime
One or both of you are already in a bad mood
One or both of you are drunk or high
Either of you are already stressed about something else
Either of you are too tired or not feeling well
There’s already something negative you’re dealing with

Good Times to Share

When you’re both feeling calm and happy
When neither of you is in a hurry
At a time when you’re somewhere private

Wrapping Up Keeping Secrets in Relationships

Obviously, keeping secrets in a relationship isn’t usually a good idea. You may feel as if you’re sparing your partner from something awful or from worrying, but in the end, they will feel resentful and the trust between you will take a hit.

Still, things happen, and we all have secrets, so hopefully the advice above will help you share your secret in a way that will provide the best results.

Just remember, no matter how much time you anxiously spend imagining his reaction to your secret, you cannot control how he will react. All you can control is how you react to him once he knows.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

Long distance relationships can work, contrary to what many people believe. Of course they have their challenges, but so do traditional relationships. Proximity in terms of miles is not a precursor for relationship success or failure.

Back in the day, long-distance relationships (LDRs) were more challenging because there was no Internet, no Facetime, no Zoom. There was no easy and inexpensive way to communicate with your loved one.

If you wanted to call, you needed to be prepared to pay the long-distance phone bill that would result. Today, you can call anywhere in the world without it costing more than your monthly phone bill.

We’ve come a long way, baby.

Not only that, but the possibility of meeting great people has opened up with the dozens, if not hundreds of online dating services that are available now. You can meet anyone in the world.

So what challenges are unique to long-distance relationships? Is it true that long-distance relationships can work, or are they destined for failure based on distance alone? How can you ensure that your LDR will withstand the test of distance?

Summary: There are challenges to any relationship, but the challenges to today’s long-distance relationship are different from those twenty years ago. Today, instead of struggling to pay just to communicate, couples must balance busier than ever work schedules, the expense of travel, unrealistic expectations, and building intimacy from a distance. However, when you go into an LDR viewing it as a challenge from the start, are you creating a bigger problem or being realistic?

What are the Challenges of an LDR?

Long Distance Relationships Can Work With the Right Expectations

When you’re able to see and chat with someone on the daily, you share all of the most mundane aspects of your life, as well as the big stuff. It all gets lumped into the daily conversation.

How are you today, babe?

Oh, I’m ok. I have a bit of a headache but I’m sure it’ll go away.

Great. Are we still on for dinner at The Pub later?

Sure! I’m in. Can’t wait!!

But when you only see your partner once a month, you don’t want to waste time on the mundane. Your expectation may be that when you arrive at his condo, he’ll have candles flitting in the dimly lit room, a romantic dinner, and a magical evening planned.

Still, when you arrive, he’s just gotten home himself from a long day at work. He hasn’t even thought about dinner, let alone had time to go to those lengths. He’s exhausted from a long week of work, and you’re exhausted from work, then travel.

All the two of you want to do is flop on the sofa with some Chinese takeout and a Netflix binge. The weekend flies by and before you know it, you’re back home in your own condo, wondering where the magic was.

The truth is that even though your relationship is long-distance, life still marches on to its regular beat. You both still have chores and things to do on those weekends when you’re hosting your significant other. While a magical evening sounds great, it isn’t always practical.

Jealousy and Infidelity

When you’re in an LDR, it’s so easy to allow your imagination to run wild when you’re apart, and even when you’re together.

You’ve come to town for a visit, and he wants to take you to this great new little hole-in-the-wall place he’s discovered, so you go.

Immediately, your jealousy hackles rise up as the hostess is very very friendly towards your beau.

Hey Gregg, it’s so great to see you again. Same table? It’s available.

WTHeck is going on??? She knows his first name? He has a table?

Now, when you’re not together, you wonder what he’s up to. Is he back there? Is she flirting with him again? Clearly she likes him. Anyone can see that!

The truth might be that good old Gregg isn’t that much into cooking and he prefers to eat out. This place has a lot of the same types of foods he ate as a child and it makes him feel at home. It has nothing to do with the pretty girl at the entrance.

It may also be that Gregg is a social being who enjoys the personal touches that this little place brings. He’s new to town and he really enjoys finding these new friends. You can’t be his only friend in life, especially if he is a social type.

Is infidelity a possibility? Sure it is, but that’s true of any relationship, not just an LDR. Just because he likes that the hostess knows his name doesn’t mean he’s willing to share other things with her…like his bed.

Financial Strain

This one is obvious and is true of relationships today and twenty years ago. In fact, with the cost of travel today, it may be even more challenging than it was back then.

It may be that you can’t afford to take three days off of work every other week to go, especially if you work an hourly job or you don’t get the same days off as your partner.

The truth is that you must budget for visits, and this is true regardless of which side of the travel you’re on. As you saw in the part about expectations, you may feel a strong need to make his weekend with you unforgettable.

This might mean going the extra mile for meals, sprucing up your apartment, maybe even getting a new outfit to wow him. None of these things are really necessary, mind you, because he loves you for you, not your stuff or your wardrobe, but still, I get it.

And even just the extra miles of travel, whether by car, train, or plane, can be expensive. Sure, you can get frequent flyer miles for flying but that doesn’t loosen the immediate grip on your wallet.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work With Boundaries

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’re sort of living two separate lives when you’re apart. He has his work and friends, and you have yours. These lives are happening while you’re apart from one another.

So, when one visits the other, jealousy can erupt. Not so much over potential infidelity, but just the life being lived without the other partner.

You sit at a bar with your beau and he and his friends are all chuckling over something that happened the last time they got together. But you weren’t there, and you feel left out and jealous of his fun times without you.

It’s possible you even feel like he spends too much time with his friends when you’re around. Shouldn’t he be spending all of his time with you? You’re there for such a short time after all.

It might feel like there are no boundaries – no limit to how he spends his time when he’s with you. This is just like any other weekend he has when you aren’t there.

Not Recognizing Real Problems or Blowing Problems Up

Real problems occur in long-distance relationships, and they’re handled in one of three ways.

The first is that you recognize the problem and work on fixing it in a healthy way, having calm and honest conversations with one another about a potential solution to the problem.

The second is that you ignore the problem, attributing it to the distance or the stress of being apart. It’ll be no big deal when you’re together.

The third is that you blow it way out of proportion and make it a much bigger deal than it really is, causing friction and unnecessary stress in the relationship.

Questions About Relationship Status

When you can’t really see someone regularly, you may make assumptions about whether he’s as committed to the relationship as you are. It’s difficult to read someone’s body language over Facetime or Zoom, and definitely over texts.

Insecurity can cause all kinds of unfounded problems and make you feel like you’re in a constant state of almost losing him.

The problem is that boosting your insecurities, for him, can be tedious and not worth it. He feels like he’s doing everything he can to show you that he cares, but it’s never enough.

Your perception is that he isn’t showing you enough that he cares and his perception is that he’s doing a fine job of it.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work with Great Communication

Probably the biggest problem relationships can have, close or long-distance is communication. I’d like to say it’s a bigger problem in long-distance relationships, and maybe it really is, but from where I sit as a dating coach, I’d say any relationship is at risk.

Some challenges are different, but many are the same.

Oversharing

For example, communicating by text all day long leaves you nothing to talk about when you either Facetime one another later or see each other face to face. You’ve already dribbled all of the bits and pieces of your day to one another. Messages seen and replied to.

So, what’s left to talk about? A stiff silence rests between you until one of you finds something to fill the void.

Varying Communication Styles

Another challenge is the communication styles of men and women. You already know this exists but maybe not why. Men use few words and use them effectively. Every word is important. Just the facts ma’am.

Women use many words, most of which carry emotion and not a lot of fact. You may write him a twelve-line text about something really important, but all he sees is twelve lines and he imagines that nothing good comes from that much of a text. He ignores it and waits a few hours to reply.

Or worse yet, he simply says, “okay” and this infuriates you.

Our Inability to Listen

Other communication problems come from our inability to listen. Listening is a skill that it seems like most people do not have. Instead of truly listening to someone, we’re already formulating our response, a response that will best whatever it is the other person is saying.

You climbed up the rock wall at the rec? Pfffft I climbed a real rock last summer. And off you go. While he was talking about how he overcame a tremendous fear of heights by doing this, you’re already besting him, not even listening.

Fighting From a Distance

Probably the biggest no-no of a long-distance relationship is picking a fight while you’re apart. It’s too easy to text or email hurtful things because you can’t see the face of the person you’re speaking to. It’s impersonal.

It’s also not a fair fight. You might send a text and he’s in the middle of an important work meeting. He either sees your angry text and he loses focus in the meeting, or he ignores the text, maybe even has his phone silenced, and doesn’t see it for hours.

Now, you’re upset because he didn’t reply as soon as you thought he should have, and you’ve added to your anger.

It’s okay to be upset with someone but fight fair. Hold off the conversation for when you can at least talk on Facetime if not in person. This allows cooler heads to be present for working on the problem. You’ve had time to think about things, and you can be more reasonable in the discussion of the problem.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work, Right? What Does Science Say?

My associate, Kirbie, loves to do research and she did some on this topic for us. Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of science on this topic that is recent enough to account for the newer technology that couples can use to maintain closeness.

Still, some of the research that’s a little older tells us that long-distance relationships have no greater chance of breaking up than relationships of closer proximity. The overall consensus is that a relationship is a relationship, regardless of distance.

The challenges mentioned above are more common challenges of LDR’s but many of those are also challenges of closer relationships too.

Perhaps It’s More About Perspective and Other Factors

I’m a firm believer that we think our way into how situations will play out.

For example, a person who lacks confidence is more likely to anticipate jealousy, not because their partner shows signs of looking for someone else, but because they don’t believe that they’re lovable and can enjoy a happy relationship.

This is something that is true of any relationship.

It’s also possible that your expectations are negative right from the start.

This will never work out.

I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I can’t see him every day.

Long distance relationships are hard.

These are called limiting beliefs, and they can have a serious impact on the outcomes we experience. You might even call them self-fulfilling prophecies. You end up getting what you expected to get.

Long distance relationships can work when the circumstances are right.

Many people in LDRs experience very satisfying relationships, so they can’t be impossible. These people don’t cheat, don’t feel jealousy, and have the right expectations of how their in-person visits will go.

How Close-Proximity Relationships Struggle

Just for fun, let’s take a moment to examine how people in closer proximity relationships can struggle with the same issues.

Expectations

While you get to see your guy more often, in a close proximity relationship, you still have expectations of special dates. Perhaps these are singled out for special occasions like Valentine’s Day or anniversaries, but there are still expectations.

And these expectations can go unmet just as easily. You think he’ll plan out some elaborate Valentine’s Day experience and the truth is that like many men, he’s standing at the grocery store at lunchtime scavenging for the best card from the well picked over selection.

He stops on his way home and grabs a bouquet of flowers – one of just a few left and runs home to meet you for the date. This is the truth about how many men to holidays and anniversaries.

If you don’t believe me, sit in a grocery store parking lot between five and six o’clock on any given day. You’ll see numerous men, sometimes with kids in tow, coming out with a bouquet of flowers and a couple of grocery bags of goodies.

So, nothing really different here except that the expectations might be a little different.

Jealousy and Infidelity

This is definitely not exclusive to LDR’s. This is more common for people who lack confidence and/or self-esteem.

There is either a belief that you aren’t capable of a great relationship, therefore your guy will ultimately cheat on you and leave. Or there’s a belief that you don’t deserve a great relationship and it’s just a matter of time before this one ends, just like the others.

Distance isn’t the problem here. Confidence and self-esteem are the real issues.

Financial Strain

While it’s true that a closer proximity relationship doesn’t have the challenge of travel expenses, there are other expenses associated with life in general that can still play a role.

This can be especially true of people who are financially irresponsible, spending more than they make, not saving, and so on.

Financial strain is something people should work out before they get into a relationship. A hallmark of a great man is one who is financially solid, and he will shy away from women who exhibit financial irresponsibility.

This means that two financially irresponsible people are more likely to find one another, thus creating a bigger problem.

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Boundaries

Challenges with boundaries exist in close proximity relationships as well. They often just relate to different problems.

A lack of boundaries is often a problem of low confidence also. Are you seeing a theme here that has nothing to do with distance?

People who have no boundaries often do so because they are insecure in their ability to build and maintain relationships.

If I say no, he’ll leave me.

If I tell him I don’t want to have sex on the first date, he won’t call back.

Someone whose standards are that low isn’t worth dating anyway. Any man would most likely love to have sex too early with a woman he finds attractive. The difference is that a great man may want to have sex, but he’ll wait until he realizes he’s earned that place in her life.

A confident woman will have that boundary to keep players out of her bed.

Not Recognizing Problems or Blowing Problems Up

This isn’t unique to LDR’s either. People put blinders on when it comes to problems, often letting them simmer to a boiling point.

For some, it’s a desire to avoid conflict. For others, it’s a fear of losing the other person. And for others still, it might be an inability to deal with problems in an appropriate way.

Sometimes, we just aren’t raised to manage problems, so we don’t know how. Our parents argued and that’s what we know.

And then there’s blowing problems out of proportion. Both men and women are great at this, and distance doesn’t matter here either.

Other factors might. When we’re stressed or anxious, problems feel bigger. Problems that are left unresolved for too long are also bigger, either by imagination or avoidance.

For example, not having enough money to pay the rent might be a small problem you can overcome in the first month, but left unresolved for several months, becomes a bigger problem as you fall further and further behind.

So this one isn’t unique to LDR’s either.

Questions About Relationship Status

This is most definitely not an LDR only problem.

Wait for it…it’s a confidence problem.

People who lack confidence and self-esteem often spend a lot of time questioning their relationship status, for the same reasons they get jealous and suspect infidelity.

You can see your guy every day and still question your relationship status. He might not respond to a text as quickly as you think he should, so you immediately assume he wants to break up with you.

Perhaps he’s been tired from work lately, but you view it as a lack of interest in you and fear he’s about to bolt.

The problem is that every time you question the relationship status, which he thinks, or thought anyway, was fine, you put a little pin prick into the relationship. An annoying little pinch for him that builds over time.

Before you know it, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy – you expect him to want to break up, so you question him all of the time about his dedication to you, and due to the constant pressure, he decides he’s had enough, and he leaves.

Which is what you were expecting him to do all along.

Communication

Ahh communication. There isn’t anything new I can say here. Everything I said above holds for close proximity relationships too.

You don’t need distance to have poor communication in a relationship.

Poor communication is present in many relationships, romantic, business, and personal. People who have ineffective communication styles can be challenging to speak to. Other people, many in fact, have very poor listening skills.

These challenges cause problems no matter where you live or how far apart.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work

Yes, it’s true. Long distance relationships can work, for the same reasons that close proximity relationships can work.

Two people who are confident with high self-esteem will enjoy very happy and satisfying relationship, regardless of where they live.

The challenges of distance are easier to overcome when you have the confidence to avoid some of the common pitfalls.

There are different strategies you can use to build an LDR versus a closer proximity relationship for sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It’s just different.

Be sure to read about Long Distance Relationship Activities here!

Long Distance Relationship Activities

Build a Great Relationship

Long distance relationship activities help keep you connected and building intimacy when you can’t be together. At first glance, it might seem as if there aren’t many things you can do to stay close while you’re separated by many miles. Let’s dig in!

Long Distance Relationship Activities for Date Night

I’m a firm believer in date nights. They give you and your partner the opportunity to spend time alone together, whether it’s at home watching a movie or out on the town.

But how can you have a date night if you’re in a long-distance relationship?

Romantic Dinner Date

This isn’t about getting into your sweats after work, doing a zoom call and eating some take out. Instead, you can order one of those meals to go from one of the many places that have popped up online. Get everything heated up and ready to enjoy.

Set the scene with a beautifully set table. Bonus points if you both have the same dinnerware. Light some candles and put on your fanciest attire. This date is about feeling special.

My recommendation for these dates is to have a no technology rule, but clearly that won’t work in this situation, so limit your technology to what’s required to connect – an iPad or your phones.

Then you treat this like any other date. Talk about your week. Make plans for the next time you see one another or reminisce about a recent time when you were together.

Cooking Dinner Date

This one is a little different than the romantic date. This time, you agree on a recipe and gather your ingredients, each in your respective homes. Make sure you’ve set a nice table and that you have everything you need to cook your delicious meal.

Then you cook together. Laugh, share your goofs and spills. Enjoy this time together as if you were cooking side by side.

Once you each have your meal prepared, sit down to enjoy. I wouldn’t force nice clothes on this one unless you give one another time to change so you don’t mess them up while cooking.

If you love to cook together, this is a great way to share some quality time.

Dinner Out

I know, you live in different cities, but unless you’re new to this, I bet you have favorite places in both cities where you like to eat. You each go to a favorite place, making sure you have headphones and your phone so you can disturb other guests as little as possible.

Then sit and enjoy your meals together. Treat it like any other date night. You’re just having a conversation the same as the others in the restaurant, except they can’t hear the other side of it.

Video Game Date Night

If you’re both into video games, why not have a video game date night? There are many games where you can play with or against one another.

Alternatively, you can enjoy some fun competition, which all men enjoy. Compete against him to see who can earn more points or get to a certain level first.

There are tons of ways to make a video game date night work!

Book Club Date Night

Many couples enjoy reading books together. Even if you’re dating someone who lives close by, this can be fun.

Choose a topic you’re both interested in and then discuss. The topic can be anything from something racy and wild to something more educational or creative.

If you share a hobby, you might read up on that hobby. If you enjoy mysteries, see who can guess who-dun-it first.

Board Game Date Night

If video games aren’t your thing, why not try a board game night. Make sure you both have the same game and then set it to move one another’s pieces on your board as you play.

Each time you choose this type of date night, you switch who gets to choose the game.

These types of dates are great for building intimacy as there’s a great chance to laugh and poke at one another playfully.

Movie Night Date

Pop some popcorn and get some candy and soda ready for a movie night! Find the same movie online and watch. Sure, you aren’t snuggled up together under the blanket, but you can still enjoy the time together.

Wine Tasting Date Night

If you both enjoy wine, find a company that will send samplers to your door. This way, you can both sample the same wines and share your opinions of them.

It might help to prepare yourselves some appetizers or a charcuterie tray to dull the effects of the wine.

Other Long Distance Relationship Activities

Maybe you don’t want to do a date night. Perhaps you’d rather do something together during the day. Sounds good to me! Let’s find some ideas!

Visit a Local Museum

If you live in a small town, you might have to travel a little bit to find a museum, but if you’re both into art, it’s a great way to spend time together.

On one occasion, you visit a museum near you and the next time you want to do a museum date, visit one nearer to him.

Work on a Hobby

As you may know, I’m a huge proponent of hobbies, and an even bigger fan of having a shared hobby as a couple.

Why not spend some time together on a shared hobby? Let’s imagine he’s into vintage cars and you are a blogger. You can combine your hobbies to create a vintage car blog.

You can even visit vintage car shows, either virtually or physically enjoying them together. This is a great way to share something you both love, and it builds intimacy.

There are many other ways to either share the same hobby or combine two hobbies to make one you enjoy together.

Take a Walk Together

Why not get a little exercise while you spend time together? Go on a walk in your respective cities. Choose a local park or if you have a vibrant downtown, walk there. You can choose an early morning walk during which you can enjoy the sunrise or wait until evening and watch the sunset.

You can even combine this with an activity like a flea market or an antique show, car show, or other event you both enjoy.

Indoor Camping Trip

I don’t think I could send a woman out alone to camp, but I have no problem suggesting that you do an indoor camping trip! If you don’t have a wood fireplace, get one of those little burners you use to keep food hot and toast marshmallows there.

Of course, you can also use your stovetop, but that feels like cheating. Get your sleeping bag, some blankets to make a tent, and even a flashlight and settle in for an evening of camping together.

Play Twenty Questions

If your relationship is new, ask one another questions that will help you get to know one another better.

The depth of these questions will depend on how new your relationship is, of course. The longer you’ve known one another, the more personal your questions can be.

This is a great way to learn more about one another as your relationship grows.

Bake Together

Baking is one of those activities that works, even if you don’t consider yourself to be a great baker. In fact, the goofs will be as much fun as the successful results.

Lucky for you, you’ll only have to clean up your own flour mess!

Plan a Virtual Trip Together

Since most of your travel expenses are saved for visiting one another, why not take a virtual trip? Decide on a destination and then assemble what you need to feel like you’re actually there. What clothing would you wear? What food would you eat? How is the scenery there different from where you are? What music would you hear? What landmarks would you visit? Learn what you can about the places you might go.

Once you’ve both gathered your supplies, it’s time for your trip. Dress in the clothing you would wear and put on the appropriate music. Then, talk about the places you want to visit. Check out photos online and enjoy the local scenery.

This type of date will be as successful as the amount of time you’re willing to put into it. You can extend this activity out over a few phone calls, visiting a different landmark each time.

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Unbox Care Packages

Send one another care packages to arrive at about the same time. The challenge will be waiting until you’re talking together to unbox them!

One by one, reveal what’s inside your boxes. You can set a theme, like baking or a creative hobby, or you can just fill them with the things you both enjoy.

This is fun because you have the added benefit of seeing one another’s faces as you unbox these treasures.

Plan a Late-Night Chat

Remember when you were first dating, and you stayed up half the night talking? Why not plan a late-night chat where you just talk like you did before?

You might want to catch a nap earlier in the day, so you don’t fall asleep on your date. 😊

Sign Up for Subscription Boxes

There are tons of subscription boxes out there these days. Why not sign up for one that you’ll both enjoy? Once both of your boxes arrive, you can do the activity together.

This is a great way to share a hobby or build your skills, not to mention a great way to grow together. If you can’t find one that you’d both enjoy, you can each sign up for one you’ll enjoy and work on them at the same time.

Enjoy a Spa Night (or Day) Together

Fill a tub with tons of great-smelling bubbles or bath salts, put some candles out and get some calming music, then kick off your spa day or night together. Make sure you both have the supplies for a facial and maybe even a way to do a pedicure or manicure.

Relaxing together, even if at a distance, creates a calm and peaceful environment where you can enjoy one another’s company without the pressure of conversation or being ‘on’. Simply relax and enjoy the time.

Next Visit Countdown

If your next visit isn’t for a while, why not create a countdown? You can set up a time to have date nights or activities at specific markers, like a week away, two weeks away, etc. Make some sort of countdown calendar so you can watch the days tick away.

Enjoy a Concert Together

Many performers put their shows online these days, so why not plan to watch a concert for a favorite band or performer?

You can do this for a comedian, a band, or even an orchestra or other type of performance. It’s all out there online now.

Take a Class Together

With sites like Skillshare, Udemy and others out there, you can each take a class online to learn just about anything. This is a great way to learn a hobby or just grow your skills in something you already know.

If you’re wanting to start a business together, there are tons of classes you can take. In fact, I’m sure that if you want to learn it, there’s an online class somewhere to teach it.

Long Distance Relationship Activities Wrap Up

While it’s great to see one another in person, when too many miles separate you, it can be cost prohibitive to spend a lot of time together.

Instead, use these activities to connect in between visits. Many, if not all of these ideas have the potential for you to build intimacy, even if you aren’t physically together.

Twenty years from now, it will be fun to say, “Remember that date when we baked cookies together? Yours were all brown and crispy while mine weren’t cooked enough. That was so much fun!”

Building lasting memories together doesn’t require you to be in one another’s physical space, it just requires you to do something together and with today’s technology, it’s easier than ever.

Don’t wait to see one another in person to build memories. Take time during the week when you’re apart to build some in then too!

Love is a Verb: How to Improve your relationship with action

Build a Great Relationship

Relationships falter and arguments occur because people don’t understand one fundamental truth: love is a verb.

Yes, love is a feeling. You can be in love with someone, but ultimately, to maintain a happy relationship, you must recognize that love is a verb. An action.

In the early stages of a relationship, acting on your feelings is natural, in fact, it can feel overwhelming. The chemistry and the hormones created by the feeling of love kick in and you want to do things for one another.

He may bring you flowers or offer to walk your dog. You might stick a note in his computer bag when he isn’t looking or make his favorite meal.

These are actions that show your love for one another.

This is how men show their love all of the time, but women are more verbal.

The breakdown later in a relationship comes because you want to hear the words I love you while he’s busy showing you that he loves you. You don’t understand that his actions, to him, are very telling of how he feels and you think he doesn’t love you.

I see it time and time again. I’ve written on it a few times.

Men love in different ways

How will I know if he really loves me?

Let’s first dig into how man and women fall in love differently.

Men and Women Fall in Love Differently

The differences between men and women when it comes to love are clear right from the very first.

From the very first moment you meet a guy, you share experiences. These experiences sometimes enable your body to create certain neurotransmitters, which, in turn, creates a feeling of love.

But here’s the kicker. Men and women require different neurotransmitters to fall in love. Who knew?

It turns out that men require three neurotransmitters to fall in love while women only require two.

Women’s Neurotransmitters vs. Men’s

For a woman, dopamine and oxytocin are required for that loving feeling to be created. These chemicals must build up in your system to a certain level for you to feel attraction and ultimately fall in love.

Men, as I mentioned, require three neurotransmitters: testosterone, vasopressin, and dopamine. These combine to enable him become attracted to you, bond with you, and ultimately commit to a relationship with you.

How Neurotransmitters Impact the Speed of Falling in Love

Dopamine is the neurotransmitter both men and women need for love, but they need them differently.

For women, they fall in love when their dopamine and oxytocin levels reach a certain level. Oxytocin increases faster than dopamine for women.

In the case of men, all three neurotransmitters must be present. Testosterone shoots up, then the increase nearly levels off, going up much slower. Vasopressin shoots up, then goes through a period of increasing and decreasing before shooting up again to meet up with the testosterone. Dopamine takes a slower journey, going up slightly, leveling off, then increasing slightly again before finally increasing at a more rapid rate.

The end result is that women’s chemicals reach peak level faster than men’s levels. It can be frustrating for a woman who’s sure her guy is in love with her but isn’t showing it yet. The truth is you beat him to it.

If you can be patient and give him time, his levels will get there too. If you push him too hard without accepting that he’s moving slower, you run the risk of pushing him away.

The Neurotransmitters & How They Work

You may recognize dopamine as the ‘feel good’ chemical. It’s something your body produces every time you’re doing something you enjoy. Rewards like food, sex, and drugs increase your dopamine. You like how it makes you feel and you want more of it.

Testosterone, as you probably have heard, makes men into men. It gives him the drive to chase a woman he finds attractive. His levels shoot up and the pursuit is on. It will ultimately be the chemical that makes him want to claim you as his own and to commit to a relationship with you.

Oxytocin is sometimes called the love hormone. It not only creates a loving bond between men and women, but also mothers and their children. It’s also a hormone released after you experience an orgasm.

Vasopressin is found in men who are attracted to a woman. It’s this that makes a man feel like he can count on you. He produces it when he overcomes a challenge or stressful situation. It’s vasopressin that helps men see people as team players.

The challenge with the timing of the male vs female chemicals is that for women, love feels risky and causes anxiety because it happens so quickly. The fact that the man is falling in love slower adds to her anxiety, making this time in between you both falling in love feel very stressful. Patience is the necessary element for success.

Love is a Verb: Moving Past the Science

Okay, now that we’re done with the sciency stuff, it’s time to get into the meat of our discussion.

Men and Women Send and Receive Love Differently

I get emails all of the time from women who are afraid their guy doesn’t love them, and yet, when I dig in, I often find that their guy is 100% in love with them, and they just don’t see it.

Look For Small Gestures

Men show love through small gestures, like taking you out to lunch or doing small chores. A man might take your car for an oil change or get up early with the kids so you can sleep in on a weekend morning.

It’s these small gestures that show his love for you. He’s trying to ease your load or make your life easier in some way.

Watch for Signs of Vulnerability

Men aren’t raised to show their soft underbelly to anyone. Being a macho man means showing anger or aggression and facing dangerous situations. Emotional vulnerability is a sign of weakness.

Because of this, sometimes all a man can say to you is, “Wow, Babe, you look great.” It’s all he is able to share in that moment.

And then, you’ll find in other moments that he opens up a little bit and shares something, making him feel very exposed and vulnerable.

How you react in these moments is crucial. If you ignore it or worse, demean him for it, it won’t happen again for a very long time, if ever. But, if you treasure this moment for the rare gift that it is, you’ll find more of them in the future.

Ask questions and validate whatever feelings he’s sharing with you. It might even help to share something that makes you feel vulnerable sometime soon after as well.

The more he feels accepted by you, the more likely he’ll be to share that soft underbelly at another time.

Let Him Navigate His Emotions How He Needs to

Because sharing his emotions probably isn’t a familiar feeling for him, he might not always want to talk about something that’s bothering him.

If you sense he’s battling something, don’t push. If he asks to be left alone, let him have his time, but if he doesn’t, suggest going for a walk or out to eat. Sometimes these activities will help him feel like he can open up.

The key is to suggest but not force. Most of the time, if you let him sort things out on his own, he will share what was bothering him with you later. He just needs time to process what happened and find a solution.

The Pursuit of Intimacy

Men and women also see intimacy differently. For a man, emotional intimacy often comes through sexual intimacy. In other words, being invited to have sex with you makes him feel more emotionally connected to you. This is because men are more physical, and touch is often powerful for them.

Women, on the other hand, find sexual intimacy through emotional intimacy. Your desire to feel wanted and emotionally safe helps you feel more open to sex.

While it’s the opposite for you, it doesn’t mean they’re oppositional to one another. They’re actually complimentary traits.

So, what does this mean? It means that you should be more intentional with physical affection. Kiss his neck. Rub his back. Hold his hand. It won’t always lead to sex, so don’t be afraid that if you hold his hand he’ll want to jump in the sack. He requires affection too, and this is how you can give it to him.

Face to Face Interaction vs Side by Side

Intimacy isn’t just sex. It’s the little moments you share together, but you experience them differently than men do.

For women, face to face communication is more meaningful, while for a man, doing something side by side feels intimate.

For example, a man can say to you, “You’re really beautiful” and it will be meaningful to you, but if you reciprocate and say, “And you’re quite handsome tonight”, he won’t feel that same boost.

Instead, he will enjoy doing something with you, like cooking or working on a hobby. I often encourage women to take interest in their guys’ hobbies and this is why. He will enjoy doing something with you than he will whatever pretty words you say to him.

Behaviors of Love vs Emotions

What does anger mean to you? Is it when someone pulls out in front of you in traffic? Is it when someone lies to you? Is it when your sister steals your favorite boots, then gets them dirty?

And what about love? You love hamburgers. You love your new purse, and you love your dog. Do you consider all of these different loves as being the same?

When we think of love as an emotion, it becomes harder to define because everyone defines their emotions differently. Abuse to you might be someone slapping you across the face, while to someone else, that isn’t abuse, but being punched in the gut is.

So, when we instead consider the idea of love is a verb, it becomes definable. It’s an action. It’s something you do to show another person that you admire and love them.

Just today, my mother asked me if I was tired of taking care of her. I didn’t even flinch before I said, “No!” and I meant it. I love my mother and I would do anything for her. I feel the same way about my sisters. I would do anything for any of them. And I often do.

My actions show my love.

Think about it this way. It’s easy to say the words, “I love you” and perhaps the person saying them doesn’t even mean what they’re saying. But, to show someone you love them through your actions takes effort and energy. You’re taking time out of your schedule to focus on helping them.

Isn’t that so much more meaningful than just blurting out some words?

Wrapping Up: Take Love off of Autopilot

Too many times, once a relationship has moved past a commitment stage and you’re a year or two, maybe more, into it, love goes on autopilot.

“He knows I love him.”

Yes, somewhere deep down inside, he probably does know, but that doesn’t mean you stop showing him and vice versa.

By doing things for your loved ones, including your partner, you’re putting your precious time and energy into something selfless for someone else. It’s a true act of love and sacrifice, no matter how small it may seem.

The trick is to continue doing things for one another, and these actions don’t need to be grandiose. Put a note in his briefcase or computer bag that says something sweet or promises a treat later, like his favorite cookies or meal.

Run his clothes to the dry cleaner or pick them up. Get his car washed or fill up the gas tank. If he’s bogged down at work, do one of his chores for him or bring him dinner.

Keep the love going by doing things that show your appreciation for one another. Don’t put love on autopilot and expect it to survive because it won’t.

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Advice on relationships for women

Build a Great Relationship

Nobody ever gives us advice on relationships as we grow up. We learn by example, or we wing it if we don’t really have an example to go by.

This is unfortunate because it often means we go into relationships clueless as to how to make them great.

Today, I’d like to share some advice on relationships that I’ve gathered over the years through various forms of research. I hope you find these tips useful in your own relationships.

Best Advice on Relationships – Learn How to Communicate

Poor communication is one of the leading problems in relationships. Oh, we know how to speak our minds well enough, but what many people don’t know how to do is listen.

Often, we’re too busy trying to best the other person or plead our case to truly listen to what’s being said.

This is especially true when the discussion is more of an argument.

In my book, The Power to Communicate, you learn about different communication styles and how you can communicate with people who are often difficult to talk to. Knowledge is power!

When you’re in a romantic relationship, especially when the relationship is new, you might be afraid to speak out about something that’s bothering you, but this isn’t fair to you, or your partner.

Of course, part of the male-female communication challenge lies in understanding different communication styles you both have.

Men use few words, and the few words they use are effective and efficiently get their point across. Women use many words, often with emotion.

Neither is right or wrong, they’re just different, and these differences begin in childhood.

Studies have shown that little boys can play together without saying a single word to one another. Little girls, on the other hand, use language to build relationships, so they talk a lot more.

Of course, this few words versus many words thing is a real dilemma because it creates problems. You send your guy a twenty-word text asking him his opinion on something and he says something like “It’s okay.”

You were looking for more, but that’s all he felt was necessary. You’re frustrated and he’s clueless as to why.

Learn how to understand how men think

Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is your ability to understand, manage, and express your emotions. It includes your ability to recognize and appropriately respond to other people’s emotions. It’s your feelings smarts.

So, how do you develop emotional intelligence?

Label Your Feelings

Sometimes we feel something, but we never take the time to identify exactly what it is. What seems like anger might really be frustration or disappointment.

If you stop and take the time to label your feelings, you can appropriately deal with them.

Dealing with anger when you’re really frustrated doesn’t get you anywhere. You need to instead determine what’s frustrating you and deal with that.

Accept Your Feelings

Somewhere along the way, feelings became bad things. Someone, and I have no idea who, determined that stuffing bad feelings deep down inside was better than accepting and dealing with them and now we have a lot of people who are unable to deal with those feelings.

The problem with stuffing them is that they don’t go away. Even if you think they’re gone, they aren’t.

They’re like a giant festering wound that won’t go away. They get worse and worse until they explode, and you have an even bigger mess.

Instead, once you’ve labeled those feelings, accept them. Acknowledge that what you’re feeling is real and it’s okay to feel that way.

There is not a right or wrong feeling, and nobody should tell you how to feel something either. We all do that in our own way.

When you feel anger, for example, instead of saying something like this is wrong I shouldn’t be angry, say I can handle this problem, and I can figure out how to do that without losing my temper.

If you’re feeling lonely, say something like this: I am worthy of having someone wonderful in my life. I just haven’t found that person yet.

Manage Your Feelings

Now that you’ve labeled and accepted your feelings, it’s time to manage them. This is where people kind of drop off of the emotional intelligence ladder.

Did you know that at all times, you are 100% in control of your emotions? I felt really badly once because I told a woman this and she got very angry with me. I was trying to help her feel more in control and she wasn’t having any of it.

So, what does managing your feelings look like in real life?

Let’s go back to anger – it’s an easy emotion that everyone can relate to. If you’re feeling angry, you can manage it by taking a deep breath and stepping back for a moment. Collect yourself and give your mind a chance to get out of reactionary mode and into a mindset where you can rationally deal with the situation.

This is also sometimes called self-regulation. You’re learning how to regulate your emotions by evaluating them and choosing how you want to respond. People who do this enjoy much happier relationships and feel more in control of their lives. They live with less regret as well.

As soon as you feel you’re becoming emotional, stop yourself and take a moment to label and assess what you’re feeling. Step back and take a deep breath to evaluate what you should do next. Then, your response is at least more appropriate for the situation.

Share What You’re Feeling

Sometimes it helps to talk to someone about what you’re feeling. If that someone is the person you were experiencing the emotion over, then it’s definitely a good idea to discuss what happened, once cooler heads prevail.

Trying to talk when one or both of you are angry will never end well. Instead, take some time, maybe even a couple of hours, to redirect yourself and really think about what happened and how you might work on fixing the root problem.

If you’re frustrated with your boyfriend because he always leaves his dirty socks on the floor, explain to him why this frustrates you and ask him calmly if he can work on doing better.

As men, we don’t mean to be slobs, but sometimes, just like you, we’re in a hurry and we don’t think about those things. Chances are if you ask him calmly to try to do better, he will.

Sometimes sharing your feelings with someone who wasn’t involved in the situation helps you reevaluate what happened. Just saying it aloud often jolts something into place, and you have an ah-ha moment.

Advice on Relationships – Set Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are necessary for any relationship to thrive, whether it’s with a friend, family member, or partner. Boundaries help you teach people how you will accept being treated. They protect you emotionally and sometimes physically, and they tell people that you’re a strong, confident woman who won’t put up with any crap.

Early in a new relationship, a great boundary would be no sex until you’re sure he can be trusted and that he isn’t just in it for the sex. A confident man will accept this boundary and will respect you for it. A player will push it and disrespect it. You can learn a lot about a man with just that boundary.

Another important boundary might relate to how he acts on a date. You might have a no phones boundary. This keeps him focused on your time together and not on the latest round of solitaire that he can’t beat. Other boundaries might be more general, like being on time when you go somewhere, or not being bothered when you’re working from home.

Be Self-Aware

Research tells us that many people believe they are more self-aware than they actually are, sometimes out of fear that they will actually discover things they don’t want to know out of fear or shame.

Having a healthy understanding of your own needs, values, and even wants or desires makes you self-aware. The second half of it, however, is being able to communicate those things to your partner effectively. Let’s tackle understanding your own needs first.

How to Understand Your Own Needs, Wants, and Values

Journal

One of the best ways to be more aware of yourself is to journal. By writing down your feelings and triggers, as well as thoughts and behaviors, you become more aware of what’s going on and you can unlock cause and effect.

For some, reading back through a week’s worth of entries helps to put things together. You can discover trends and notice things that may escape you as you’re writing. Sometimes just allowing your pen to follow your thoughts uncovers things you didn’t realize you were thinking or feeling.

As your journal progresses, you can look back to see how far you’ve come over time.

You can also use a journal to reflect on when your thoughts and feelings met your standards and where you might improve in the future. It helps if you have a deep understanding of your values, which we’ll get to in a moment. We’re most unhappy when our lives aren’t aligned with our values.

Uncover Your Values

Knowing what your values are helps you understand your needs because it gives you a guidepost by which you can navigate your life.

For example, if you value family but you seem to be working many hours, leaving little time for family, you might feel out of sorts. The reason is because you aren’t putting your values first.

To determine what your values are, look back at situations where you were happiest. Who was around? What was going on? What about the situation made you so happy? Your values lie in the answers.

You can also look at times when you weren’t very happy. Who was around then? What was happening and why were you so unhappy? This is also how you can find your values because whatever was going on was probably moving you against your values.

Get Curious

Imagine you’re someone you’ve never met before. Explore your thoughts. Explore your body. What are you capable of? What’s more difficult for you? Look at your journal entries and discover what might be hiding in your writing.

Curiosity is a wonderful thing if you allow yourself to go there. You can learn wonderful new things about yourself that can truly change how you feel about some area of your life.

I was coaching a woman a few years ago, we’ll call her Kelly. Kelly was generally unhappy and felt it was creeping into her ability to find a happy relationship. When we started digging into things, she discovered that her environment wasn’t making her happy.

Many of her things were hand-me-down items from family and she’d had them since she graduated from college. She was tired of them and felt those things didn’t really represent who she was. While it took some time, once she knew what some of the problem was, she set about making changes.

She saved up for new furniture, chose a new paint color for her apartment walls, and even changed the little do-dads around her house. She also discovered that she’s really a minimalist and was able to clear a lot of clutter that her mother had set around. She and her mother definitely didn’t feel the same way about clutter.

Just discovering what she needed to do helped Kelly feel better, and as she slowly made the changes she wanted to make, she felt even better. As her self-awareness began to grow, so did her confidence. This helped her find men who were more confident and better suited for long-term relationships.

Break Down Barriers

As you start working on your self-awareness, your instincts may be to build walls and keep people out, mostly out of shame and fear. But your true friends will love you regardless of the flaws you perceive you have. Chances are, your friends have things about themselves that they hope nobody discovers too, but as their friend, you only want to help.

We create our own barriers, usually by creating rules in our lives. Do any of these sound familiar?

I would never date a guy who didn’t go to college
There is no way I’d date a guy who rides a motorcycle
I am not interested in men who are shorter than I

The truth is that by creating these rules, we’re creating barriers. It’s usually done out of fear. Barriers protect, but sometimes, there can be too many of them and then they’re not protecting, they’re hurting.

Distinguish Between Wants and Needs

People often say they need something, when in truth, it’s something they want badly. A need is something that keeps you alive. You need air and water, as well as shelter from the elements, and so on. You may want sparkling or flavored water, but the need is water.

When you confuse wants and needs, things feel dire when they aren’t. “I need to get a red sweater to wear to the Annie’s Holiday Party next weekend.”

This isn’t a need, it’s a want.

Identifying what you need versus what you want helps you create a framework that’s reasonable and sustainable.

For example, you may need a vehicle to get yourself to work every day, but that doesn’t mean you need a $150K vehicle.

You need a home to shelter you from the elements, but you don’t need a home in the high-end neighborhood.

You need clothing, but you don’t need to shop at the most expensive shops in the mall.

Understand that Needs Change

Your needs today are probably different than they were when you were a child. Then, you needed someone to provide for your life and take care of those needs for you. You needed an education and a supportive family.

Today, you probably have that education, and your supportive family has grown to include a great group of friends. What you need today is a job to pay for your own shelter, transportation, clothing, and so on.

When you have children, your needs are also different, often including childcare, and the ability to provide those basic things for y our children.

But once they’re gone and you’re getting older, your needs change again. You may need help doing some tasks, medications to manage different health issues that may come up, and so on.

Stay aware of your changing needs and make sure to accommodate for them in your life.

Communicating Your Needs

If you’ve experienced a few failed relationships, you might be a little hesitant to communicate your needs. While I understand where you’re coming from, I also know that keeping these things from your partner puts you at a disadvantage and places your relationship in jeopardy.

A good man who truly loves you, or if it’s too soon for love, truly enjoys spending time with you, wants to meet your needs. He wants to show you that he cares through his actions.

Women often misunderstand how men show love. I’ve coached too many women to count on this and I’m sure I’ll coach even more in the future.

I remember one woman who was extremely upset because her boyfriend bought her oven mitts as part of her birthday gift. What was he saying with this gift? Did he expect her to cook for him?

No! He had heard her complaining about how the oven mitts she had now were wearing out and she was burning herself when she used them, so he solved the problem and got her new mitts.

The guy who takes your car for an oil change or assembles the shelves you wanted in your office is showing you that he loves you.

If you don’t communicate your needs to your partner, you aren’t giving him a fair shot at showing you how he feels. It’s also important because it helps him know you better.

And if you have special needs that are physically or emotionally based, it’s even more important.

The truth is that it isn’t fair to hold this back in a relationship. You’re putting yourself and your partner at a disadvantage right away.

So, how do you do this?

Use “I” Statements

Which do you think Steve would more likely want to hear?

“Steve, I need some time each day after work to regroup, instead of launching right into dinner and evening activities.”

Or, “Steve, you always want to have dinner and do things right after I get home from work and I hate it.”

To me, it’s an easy decision. I’d much rather hear the first one than the second. The second statement is confrontational and accusatory. It immediately puts poor Steve on the defensive. The poor guy is so happy to see you at the end of the day and that second statement stomps all over his excitement.

When you say “I”, it presents your need in a peaceful and calm way. There is no accusation in the first statement, just what your needs are in a given point in time. It’s very hard to argue with someone when they make a statement like that.

Choose Great Timing

It’s never a good idea to express your needs when you’re both tired or if you’ve just had an argument. Of course, it should go without saying that you don’t express your needs during an argument.

You should also consider what else is going on at that time. I need to talk to you as he’s running out the door is very poor timing unless something just came up in the last few moments and it truly is urgent.

It’s also not great timing to try to discuss needs when he’s distracted with something else, like his favorite team playing on television or while he’s intently working on a hobby or work project.

Choose a time when neither of you are distracted and there is no urgent business in five minutes. Make sure neither of you are already agitated or feeling poorly.

Don’t Assume

We often place our own feelings on someone else and assume we know what they’re experiencing. A friend recently lost her father, who had been suffering from a long-term terminal illness for quite some time. The friend felt peace upon her father’s passing because she knew he wasn’t suffering any longer, but she quickly became annoyed at everyone assuming they knew how she felt.

She had to push away guilty feelings that often came from having a conversation with someone over her father’s passing. It was as if she needed to feel badly about his death just to appease other people. She got tired very quickly of people saying “I’m sorry for your loss” when she didn’t feel sorry at all. She felt at peace knowing that her father wasn’t suffering.

Everyone experiences things differently, so to assume that you know how they feel often means you’re wrong, and your attempts to comfort or guide that person are already on the wrong path.

Stay Focused on Today, Not Yesterday

It’s much easier to focus on what you need today, rather than what you needed but didn’t get in the past.

Holding on to old grievances doesn’t do anyone any good, plus it keeps an argument alive when it should have been resolved already.

Instead, stay focused on today and what you need moving forward. Let go of past problems and focus on the present. By doing this, you are able to problem-solve effectively and without malice.

Focus on Feelings

Much like it’s difficult for someone to find fault when you use “I” statements, it’s hard to find fault with someone’s feelings.

“Steve, I feel like we could have been more friendly to one another this morning during breakfast.”

“Joe, I feel left out when you start talking to your friends and leave me out of the conversation.”

“Adam, I feel like you aren’t really listening to me when you’re playing on your phone while we’re discussing things.”

Sometimes, people don’t realize that what they’re doing is impacting you negatively. There is no way for someone to argue how you feel in a situation. Of course, the opposite of doing it this way is again to use accusations.

“Steve, you were really rude to me at breakfast this morning!”

“Joe, you and your friends are really mean.”

“Adam, you ignore me all the time and I’m sick of it.”

It’s easy to see, again, how using the “I feel” approach is kinder and also more likely to produce results.

Be a Good Listener

It’s one thing to communicate your needs, but this should be a conversation where both of you are able to do so. That means you must be a good listener as well as a good speaker. We already talked about listening and communication at the beginning of the article, so I won’t repeat it now, but will just remind you of how important it is.

Problem Solve Together

When you find a problem in your relationship, work together to find a solution you can both live with. Don’t dictate solutions or leave it up to him to figure it out, regardless of who’s at fault.

In most situations, you and your partner both need to give a little to have an effective solution. Be prepared to not only expect some compromise from him, but to compromise yourself.

This helps you feel more like a team, which brings you closer together. It helps lessen the need for blame and focuses on solutions, rather than who’s at fault.

Advice on Relationships – Understand What Love Is

Many people mistake love as a state of being, when in truth, it’s a verb. Loving someone is acting to show them that you love them, even during the most difficult times.

James has three children. Two daughters and one son. His oldest daughter, after a series of medical problems, became addicted to pain medications. Year after year, she would disappear for long periods of time, then reappear, wanting to go to rehab. He always supported her efforts to get clean, but eventually, she would end up back on the streets and drugs.

The younger children couldn’t understand why their father kept supporting failed efforts at rehabilitation. The cycle continued for years until finally, one October, she came home and asked for help once again. Her siblings avoided her and barely spoke to her, but her father allowed her to live with him as she pulled herself together. Slowly, she started doing Uber Eats deliveries and working toward a few goals.

Three years later, she is still clean and still slowly moving toward independence. James never stopped loving his daughter, regardless of the turmoil she brought to his life.

Things happen in relationships. People get sick or become disabled. Mental illness can creep in and negatively impact everyone. To love is to be there, as much as you can, during those difficult times, as well as during the good times.

It’s easy to be present when things are great. It’s less challenging to be there when things are difficult. The friend I mentioned earlier who recently lost her father had been living with her parents for the last six plus years to help care for him in spite of the fact that she has a rocky relationship with both of them.

My Final Advice on Relationships – Don’t Rush

I know how it goes. You find a guy you really think is the one and you want to hurry things along. You want to have sex and go on several dates a week. You set aside your ‘old’ life to spend as much time with him as possible.

Then it all comes crashing down.

Sounds familiar, right?

We’ve all been there. There is nothing like the excitement of a new relationship. For men, it’s the fun of learning about you, one bit at a time. It’s the fun of doing things together and discovering who you are.

My advice is to slow way down. Continue dating a couple of other guys for a while. There’s nothing wrong with dating more than one guy if you aren’t in a committed relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to flaunt it, but don’t stop dating multiple men until you make a commitment.

As you date these men, one will stand out over the others and your choice will be clear, but allow it to happen naturally, without forcing it.

A great relationship evolves over time. If you don’t rush things, but allow them to grow naturally, you’ll find yourself in a better place.

Wrapping Up

Advice on relationships for women comes from every direction. You can google that term and find thousands of articles, many probably telling you some of the same things I’ve told you here, and frankly, I could write a whole book on this topic and it would be very long.

But that isn’t the point. The point is for you to understand that the best advice on relationships is to be a confident woman who accepts nothing less than what she deserves!

Be a great communicator and know yourself well.

Great men, the type of men who make commitments and stick to them, are attracted to confident women, so the very best advice is to build your confidence. You can’t go wrong if you follow the advice you’ve been given here. I promise!

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The Alpha Woman Guide to Happy Relationships

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After

For an alpha woman, finding a happy relationship can be one of the biggest challenges of your life. You’re drawn to alpha men because they’re most like you, but then you find yourself in one power struggle after another and the whole thing ends badly.

How does an alpha woman find happy relationships? She does one of two things: she finds beta men to date or learns how to date alpha men.

But there’s a caveat. Studies indicate that while alpha men will date alpha women, they don’t usually marry them.

Still, don’t give up! Today, I have some tips for you on enjoying dating again and finding yourself in a happy relationship! But first, I want to clarify what an alpha woman is. As I’ve been sending some emails about alphas, I’m finding a little bit of a misunderstanding.

Who is the Alpha Woman?

Maybe I should start with what an alpha woman is not. I recently received an email from a woman who proclaims herself an alpha woman because she’s bossy. Bossiness is not a trait of an alpha woman. It’s often a sign of lower confidence – a my way or the highway attitude that denotes someone who can’t handle being wrong.

Alpha Women are Confident

So, of course, the first trait of an alpha woman is that she’s confident. Confident does not equal bossy. Confident means you can handle being wrong and you use those opportunities to learn and improve, not bully someone into submission.

Of course, the thing about confidence is that it not only varies from person to person, but within one person, it can vary from one area of life to another. For example, you can be very confident in your job, but you’ve had a few bad relationships and your dating confidence has dropped.

Confidence is also something you can build back up with effort and patience with yourself.

The Alpha Woman is Ambitious

The alpha woman has goals and she goes after them with gusto! This woman has a plan and she keeps it in front of her every day! She lives a very intentional life that helps her focus on reaching those goals with few distractions.

Alpha Women are Learners

The alpha woman is never happy to stay just as she is. Instead, she’s always trying to learn something new to propel her to new heights or help her achieve a goal. She may focus on learning a new hobby or a new skill for her job. It doesn’t matter. She loves to learn and she’s always learning something!

The Alpha Woman Loves to Encourage Others

You’ll find that the alpha woman is one of the biggest cheerleaders you know, especially when it comes to people she works with or those she cares for.

If you’ve got a big presentation, the alpha will be there, ready to help in any way she can and to give you that boost of confidence you need.

She’s supportive of others and helps keep her friends and coworkers motivated and energized. You want an alpha on your side!

There are several other traits of an alpha woman, and you can find them in my book, The Alpha Female: Who is She? Who Should She Date? How do You Become One?

Are You an Alpha Female Who Can't Find a Happy Relationship?

For alpha women, finding a relationship that isn’t challenging or frustrating can be a real problem. You’re drawn to alpha men, but science tells us that alpha men don’t want to marry alpha women, they only want to date them. Then there’s the beta man, often misunderstood by both alpha men and women, but often a great choice for the alpha woman. Learn more about how you can develop a happy relationship with either type of man by checking out The Alpha Female: Who is She? Who Should She Date? How do You Become One?

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Why Not Try Dating Beta Men?

There is no more misunderstood category of person than the beta man. You may search the internet for articles on the beta man after reading this. I encourage you to read cautiously, especially if the article is written by an alpha man.

Why?

My personal opinion is that alpha men feel threatened by beta men, which is why they use phrases like detrimental to society.

The truth is that the beta man is a wonderful man to date. Let me share a few reasons why.

Beta Men Don’t do Power Struggles

The beta man is fine being second in command in your relationship. In fact, he prefers it. He really doesn’t have any desire to be in charge. It may be that he has a very high-power job at work and wants to relax when he gets home.

Being a beta doesn’t mean he isn’t strong or that he doesn’t have a good job. It just means that when he’s with the woman he adores, he’s fine letting her call the shots.

He’s Comfortable Being Himself

While alpha males tend to preen a lot and thrive on competition, the beta man is fine with himself just as he is.

He’s competitive, like an alpha, but he has a confidence an alpha doesn’t usually possess. He doesn’t need to competite or win to feel better about himself.

The beta man doesn’t have the same need to impress others as an alpha has either. He knows what his uniqueness is and he’s okay with it. He doesn’t need to pretend to be someone he isn’t, just to gain the attention of others.

The Beta Male is Altruistic

The beta man is very comfortable doing something for someone else, just for the sake of helping someone. He requires no accolades or props for doing something good.

Men show their love through their actions, and this is especially true of beta men. If you ask your beta man to do something for you, he’s on it. You don’t need to ask twice.

He’s Detail-Oriented

Wouldn’t you love to date just one guy who caught on to the important stuff? You want the guy who notices your new hair color, cut, or style. You’re looking for someone who notices when you go the extra mile and appreciates it.

The beta man will remember your favorite coffee flavor, how many teaspoons of sugar or honey in your tea, and even which specialty bread you like at the bakery.

He’s More Likely to be a Cuddler

If you’re looking for a guy who enjoys binge-watching Outlander as much as he enjoys an evening out, the beta is your guy.

Alphas need to be out so they can be noticed. Betas are fine going out, but they’re just as likely to want to stay home and snuggle in front of a fire with you.

He’ll do what you want to do.

He Cares About Your Needs in Bed and is Sensitive

What woman wouldn’t want a guy like this?

Of course, the beta man wants to enjoy sex, but his main goal is for you to enjoy the experience. He’s sensitive to your needs both in and out of bed.

If you’ve dated a few alphas or narcissists, this can take some getting used to, but once you do, you’ll appreciate his attention and sensitivity.

What the Beta Man Isn’t

As I mentioned previously, the beta man is misunderstood. Many of the traits you just read, as well as others that betas possess make them seem weak. The truth is that a beta man may be the CEO of a major corporation from nine to five, but from five to nine, he wants someone else to take control.

Some sites will describe beta men as small and scrawny, but I know of one beta man who is 6’4” and very muscular. He works in an emergency room and rehabs vintage cars for a hobby. He’s perfectly fine with his wife being in charge when he’s home. I know another beta who is very athletic and earned upwards of $500K a year. He wishes every day for a woman to be in control in his life.

Other sites describe betas as unattractive, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so who’s to say that a man you find attractive will be attractive to everyone or vice versa? Again, this is someone who truly does not understand the beta.

A final myth I’ll dispel about betas right now is that they have feminine characteristics. They most certainly do not. Neither of the men I described above have any feminine characteristics. Alphas who feel threatened by the beta man’s sensitivity and attention to detail will use these types of phrases to demean the beta.

Just remember that everyone is different. Not all beta men are alike, just like not all alpha men are alike. These generalizations merely help you know which type of man may be best for you.

Speaking of which, let’s take a look at the alpha man.

Alpha Men

Alpha men have good and bad traits. Sometimes one trait can be both, depending on how a particular man uses that trait.

First, let’s examine the positive traits of an alpha man.

He’s a Strong Leader

The alpha man is a strong leader who leads by example. This is one of those traits that can fall into both positive and negative categories, especially as far as relationships with alpha women are concerned.

If you’re willing to give up your leadership role in the relationship, you’ll find your alpha will always steer you in the right direction. This strength makes him a great role model for children, as long as the negatives of this personality trait don’t rear their ugly heads.

The problem with this trait is that an alpha doesn’t see all voices as equal in his relationships. His voice matters. Period.

He Has Emotional Intelligence

Not all alphas have this trait, but many do. Emotional intelligence is knowing what you’re feeling and knowing how to manage those feelings. When a man has high emotional intelligence, it also means he can better manage your emotions, which is something many men cannot do.

Again, though, not all alphas have this trait, so you want to make sure yours does.

He’s Confident

Alphas and betas are both confident types of men. Confidence is a very sexy trait to possess, for both men and women, so you’ll notice this about your guy right away. Of course, confidence can be a negative if he’s overconfident, but really, what comes off as overconfidence is really a lack of confidence, so be aware!

If he’s truly confident, he will make great decisions for your relationship. You can trust this guy!

He’s Growth-Oriented

Many alpha men are focused on personal growth, which means he’ll be interested in his and yours. If you decide you want to go back to college or learn something new, he’ll be right there helping in any way he can.

And Now for Some Problematic Traits

While alphas have many positive traits, a few of which you just read about, they also have some that can cause a relationship to take a turn for the worse.

Alphas are Fiercely Loyal and Protective

Seems like a good trait, right? And it can be for sure, until that protectiveness turns into overprotectiveness. He might consider you to be his property or territory.

Hey, don’t shoot the messenger…anyway, under his protectiveness, you may feel smothered, which quickly becomes a bad thing, especially since you’re an alpha too.

Watch for the fine line between his being protective and controlling. Protective is fine if he’s installing an alarm system to keep you safe while he’s out of town or walking on the street side when you’re out. It’s not okay when he’s got surveillance cameras all over the house and a tracker on your car.

He’s Decisive

How can this be a problem? Decisiveness can be a problem if he believes that either he’s the only one who can make decisions for your relationship or that he thinks his decisions are right and everyone else’s are wrong.

When two alphas are in a relationship and this problem raises itself, your knee-jerk response is to argue with him, but your better tactic is to retreat and let him stew in it for a while.

He heard your objections and statements contrary to his decision and he’s now mulling it over in the calm. If you give him time, he might come to the conclusion that you were right and he can see the wisdom of your opposing thoughts. This doesn’t mean he’ll give in to them, but he might. Your best path may be to gently remind him of your key points when things are going well. This allows him to consider it for a while longer and maybe see your point.

It will be difficult for him to admit he’s wrong, so if he does acquiesce, be sure not to gloat or make a big deal about it. Accept his change in decision and move forward.

He’s Honest

Again, how can this be bad? Well, it’s like the old joke, “Honey do these slacks make my butt look bigger?” The alpha male might not be wise to the idea that a little white lie never hurt anything and he’ll say yes, believing that honesty is the best policy. A smart man knows the answer is no, of course, but nobody said alphas were always smart 😊

What you must understand is that if he says something that comes off as a negative, the truth is that he does want you to look great, if for no other reason than it helps him look great. His honesty is what he considers to be constructive criticism. He’s not trying to hurt your feelings but to help you look better. He just has a poor way of going about it.

So Which Shall it Be?

The truth is that I can’t tell you which type of man to date. All I can do is present you with the two types of men that you’re most likely to come across and help you understand how you can enjoy a happy relationship with either type.

For the beta man, the happiness for him comes when you take control and let him be himself. Guide him in whatever you want him to do.

This doesn’t mean you’re bossy over him, but you have conversations that focus on getting to know what you each want out of your lives together and then you work out a plan for getting there. He will follow your lead, but he will do well if you let him have input as well.

Being in any type of relationship requires you to discuss things of importance, which eventually includes who will control what. Remain honest and open with him and truly listen to what he’s telling you.

Odds are, he’s been waiting for a very long time for a woman who will accept the control he’s willing to surrender.

For the alpha man, you’ll need to resign yourself to giving up control of many, if not all things. You can try to discuss it with him and he might give up some control, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Regardless of which type of man you choose, understand that there is give and take. How much you give and take will depend a lot on which type of man you decide to be with.

Are You an Alpha Female Who Can't Find a Happy Relationship?

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Stages of a Relationship

Build a Great Relationship

Everyone who’s happily attached goes through stages of a relationship, but you might mistake those stages as being linear. You find someone with whom you share incredible chemistry, but then who he really is starts to shine through and you enter into a more uncertain stage. Some relationships end here, others don’t.

If you make it through the uncertainty stage (we’ll give them more formal names shortly), you enter into an adjustment phase when the differences between you seem to stand out and you feel like you’re constantly negotiating something.

If you can survive the adjustment stage, you’ll find yourself ready to commit. You’re accepting one another for who you are and willing to hang in there. The next stage is acceptance. You’ve gone through a lot to get where you are, and you feel closer than ever.

The challenge is that you won’t stay in that acceptance stage because you’re both always growing and changing. You’ll cycle through these stages multiple times throughout a long-term relationship, regardless of what Hollywood tries to tell us.

What You’ll Find Here

Stage 1: Early Dating
Stage 2: The Love Hangover
Stage 3: The Adjustment Stage
Stage 4: The Commitment Stage
Stage 5: Best Friends
Final Thoughts

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 1 – Early Dating

This stage is called the infatuation stage, the euphoria stage, the merge stage, and probably a dozen other names, but they all mean the same thing.

It’s that first phase of a relationship when you feel the chemistry and you’re drawn to one another so strongly that common sense and reason often fly out the door. During this stage, your emotions are strong, often overriding any rational thinking you might normally do.

You feel he’s your perfect match, a guy who’s very similar to you and someone you want to spend all your time with.

According to scientific research, during this phase of a relationship, your brain shows decreased activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is the part responsible for the negative judgment of people. This means your brain has just handed you a pair of rose-colored glasses.

While this can feel like a bad thing, research also says that couples in the study who stayed together for three or more years had the most decreased activity in this part of their brains. While you each have faults and you see them, they don’t matter enough to cause you to end the relationship. In other words, you look past them.

The Dangers of Stage 1

While this is all well and good, there are some pitfalls to this chemical reaction your brain is having.

Ignoring Red Flags

First, you may ignore true red flags. You’re so in love with him that you see the red flags, but you don’t pay attention to them. Some flaws are no big deal and the ability to overlook them is fine, but sometimes there are bigger red flags that you should notice.

He may be financially irresponsible, physically or emotionally abusive, controlling, or have any of a host of other negative behaviors. One or both of you explain these poor behaviors away and move forward. Of course, all of those I just listed are not good for a healthy relationship, so ignoring them is leading you down a bad path.

To avoid this, ask your friends to meet him and give you their honest assessment. Listen to them because they have one goal – to protect you from yourself. They want you to be happy, so when they tell you something you don’t want to hear, remember that! Take off those rose-colored glasses for a few moments and ask yourself if what they’re seeing is true.

Date with your head, not with your heart

Giving Up Your Outside Live

Another problem that can occur in stage one is that you spend more time with this new love instead of on your hobbies and outside friendships. You begin to spend so much time together that your friends finally just give up on you coming to girls’ night ever again.

While this seems okay, it’s not. He fell for a woman who was active and engaged with the outside world. He fell for you because you were busy and confident.

A guy will enjoy this for a little while, but then he’ll begin to feel smothered. He wants to spend time with his friends, alone, but you’re always there. He can’t catch an evening to himself, and he may begin to feel smothered.

A relationship can’t survive with the two of you slobbering all over one another all the time. The two of you need time apart so you can appreciate your time together. He needs to be away from you sometimes in order to be excited to be with you again.

Avoid this by maintaining the activities you had before you met him. If you had Yoga on Tuesday nights, keep going. He’ll be okay, I promise. If you and your girlfriends did a girls’ night twice a month, keep going. Keep working on your hobbies and volunteering or doing other things that occupied your time before you met him.

Of course, don’t spend every evening doing something. Make time for a date night with him too, but don’t plan to spend every day, from the end of work one day until you wake up to go to work the next together.

Not Being Fully Honest with One Another

I often equate dating, especially early on, as a marketing activity. You’re putting your best foot forward so you can impress this guy. If you met through an online dating site, you put up your best photos, maybe photos that were a year or five old. You only listed your good qualities because who wants to put up the bad ones?

But this isn’t really you. We’re all flawed, and we all have baggage. We’re all afraid of being too vulnerable with someone we don’t really know, so we keep those parts of ourselves hidden. Of course, if you feel you’ve hidden your true self for too long, you wage a war with yourself over when is a good time to bring up some of those vulnerabilities and pieces of baggage.

So, here’s what you do. Try to be as close to your true self as you can be on your first date. Don’t wear an outfit that doesn’t represent your taste just because you think it makes you look sexier. Wear something you feel comfortable in that doesn’t show off too much of your body but still leaves him appreciating you.

Instead of hiding your baggage, unpack it slowly, in little pieces first. Always remember that just because you think something is negative in your life doesn’t mean he will. Baggage is different for everyone. You may have dated a few men who bolted and ran when they found out you have a three-year-old son, but that doesn’t mean the next guy will.

Having Unreasonable Expectations

When you have low confidence and self-esteem, you may set unreasonable expectations in the early phase of a relationship. For example, you may seek a commitment from him way before he’s ready to make one.

Guys take longer to fall in love

In reality, you’re probably scared to death that he might see through you to your pain and vulnerability, so you make sure to dump him first. That’ll teach him for being too perfect!

Some women meet a new guy and within a few weeks, they’re reading The Knot and dreaming about wedding dresses. Every time he does something that they feel is a milestone, they add to this vision of a lifetime relationship with him.

If you find yourself doing this, it’s time to stop dating for a while. Take a relationship break and work on yourself. If your confidence is low, you’re attracting a type of man you don’t want and who may not be able to commit to you in the way you envision.

Confident men don’t date women who lack confidence. They date confident women, so to attract a great man, you must first build your own confidence and self-esteem.

I want to change my life!

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You Have Sex With Him Too Soon

Sex too early in a relationship can kill whatever you have between you. Yes, a guy will ask to have sex, but that doesn’t mean you must say yes.

Have a boundary that says you won’t have sex with a guy until he’s proven himself worthy of you. Of course, if your beliefs say not to have sex until you’re married, let him know that. If he respects you and likes you enough at this stage, he’ll respect your boundaries.

How many dates before we have sex?

Sex and a new relationship | When is the right time?

When you have sex too soon, it is a low-confidence signal. It’s your way of saying you think you can’t keep him if you don’t have sex. That sex is all you have to offer.

This is not true. You are a wonderful woman, whether you see it or not. A good man will respect your boundaries and not try to crash through them.

We slept together. Now what?

How Long Does This First of the Stages of a Relationship Last?

Most believe that this first stage lasts about six months, some estimate it could last up to two years, but I don’t think that’s true. Really, it depends on the two of you. Nobody can predict how long any couple experiences one stage or another.

Your relationship is different from any other because you’re at different stages of your life than other couples. Another factor is how your relationship started, your personality traits, and how long it took you to fall in love.

I have neighbors who began dating during COVID. The man lives next door to me, and his girlfriend lives across the street from me. To add to the situation, his ex-wife lives about five doors down from his girlfriend. They all get along well, thankfully, so it all works.

When the man and his wife were married, they lived in the same school district as his current girlfriend. They knew one another. Their kids went to school together, so when they ended up being neighbors, they weren’t strangers. I would estimate it was about a year after she moved in that they started formally dating.

I don’t honestly know how long they stayed in this stage. They were very quiet about their relationship for quite some time, for obvious reasons. We have a close-knit neighborhood with quite a few busybodies. My point is that for them, this stage may have lasted a shorter period of time because they knew one another already. Some of the secrets were already out.

If you’re in this stage of a relationship, enjoy it. This is the fun stage when you’re learning about one another. Do fun things together. Enjoy getting to know one another. Don’t put the pressure of commitment on yourselves just yet. It’s too soon.

How to Get This Phase Back Later

Remember above, I said you’ll cycle through these stages of a relationship. How can you bring back this phase?

Continue to Show One Another Your Love

Never stop giving compliments or appreciating one another. Keep surprising him with his favorite coffee once in a while. Put a note in his laptop bag to remind him of something special you have planned.

Keep making deposits in the emotional bank every day. Just because you may move out of this phase doesn’t mean you get to stop being nice to one another. In fact, as the challenges of the other phases kick in, it will be even more important to do these things.

Keep a Regular Date Night Routine

Date nights are crucial to happy relationships. I’m convinced of this. They provide you with an opportunity to reconnect after a busy week of other stuff.

They also give you the chance to discuss your relationship and your shared vision for where it’s going. How do you see your relationship advancing? What kinds of things do you want to do together? How do you see this playing out in the future?

Date night also gives you time to just be a couple. If you both have outside responsibilities, like kids, it helps you reconnect as a couple without those outside distractions.

I recommend a technology-free rule for date nights unless you have a job that requires you to be on call or you have kids with a babysitter. But you don’t sit there and read emails, look to see who liked your latest Facebook post or how many new followers you have on Instagram. Save that for later. This is your time to be together.

Spend Time Apart

I mentioned this before. It’s important for you both to have time apart, as well as time together. If you stay glued to one another all the time, it will get old fast and one or both of you will feel smothered.

This time apart allows you to maintain friendships, hobbies, and other activities you were doing before you met him. It also allows you to be apart so you can miss one another, which helps you remember why you’re together in the first place.

Practice Partner-Based Gratitude

There are reasons why you love having him in your life. Share them with him. This doesn’t need to be a daily practice, but you should strive for a few times a week. You can do it in different ways. You could write him a love letter and mail it to him, or you could write it in lipstick or dry-erase marker on the bathroom mirror. I suggested earlier sticking a note in his computer bag or in his lunch.

All of these pieces of appreciation are important and help maintain the bond between you.

Become an Active Listener

Many people think communication is all about how you speak to one another, but one person can’t be heard if the other isn’t listening.

Listening is perhaps more important than speaking because then your partner feels appreciated and heard. Many problems in relationships arise when someone feels unheard. He’s been trying to tell you for weeks that he needs more time to himself, but you just keep scheduling things to do together, ignoring his request.

Listening involves sitting quietly while your partner speaks. Don’t work on what your response will be. Ask questions where they fit. Nod your head to show you’re paying attention. Keep your eyes focused on him, although not to the point of being creepy.

Only after he’s done speaking do you consider what you’ll say. Don’t try to make it something to top his story. Maybe all you say is, “Wow, Gregg! That’s amazing,” or “Gee Joe, I’m so sorry about your dog.” It shows you were paying attention and that what he said mattered.

Don’t Let Your Sex Life Fall Off

The kids are young, and you have a puppy. You just got a promotion and he’s just started his own business. You’re both so exhausted by the end of the day that you just want to drop into bed and fall asleep.

Instead, I encourage you to relight the fire. Buy some new sexy lingerie or his favorite perfume. Find some couples’ games and have some fun. I know your life is exhausting, but sex is a powerful thing in a relationship. When it slows down, it’s a red flag.

Touch alone is a very powerful tool in a loving relationship. Just lying together in bed and caressing one another is a very deep and caring activity.

Do Things Together

There are many ways to do things together. You can do something as basic as preparing a meal together, or you can do something riskier like rock climbing, bungee jumping, and so on. You can also plan a vacation together or even go grocery shopping. Some couples find a hobby to share or they’re able to combine their individual hobbies into one they can do together.

These activities are outside of your regular date nights. They can be planned or impromptu. The point is to do something together.

Communicate

The most effective way to deepen your relationship is to communicate. Ask your partner what he would like out of your relationship at this point. Does he want to experience something with you, or without you? Are there things he’s always wanted to do? Is there something he feels is missing from your relationship?

Relationship failure can often be traced back to poor communication skills for both partners. You don’t really know how to ask for what you want or need, either because you’re afraid to be vulnerable or because you’re afraid of being told no.

If you care for one another, you’ll work hard to make sure you’re both happy and your needs are being met.

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 2 – The Love Hangover

This is a difficult stage for many couples, and some divorces and breakups occur in this second of the five stages of a relationship.

The Dangers of Stage 2

You Focus on the Differences Now

During this stage, the rose-colored glasses come off. You finally see the differences between you, instead of just the things that make you great together. It can feel like it’s hitting you hard, like an ugly wake-up call.

Those same qualities that he has that you once thought were cute are now just annoying you. Maybe he’s an adventurous type, and that attracted you to him early on, but now it feels like he’s taking too many risks. Perhaps he first came off as generous, but now you feel he’s a spendthrift.

You May Engage in Power Struggles

As these differences come to light, there’s more friction in the relationship. You may experience power struggles and feel dismayed at the differences you’re now observing.

Sometimes you feel like you love him and at other times, you feel so irritated that you can’t stand to be around him.

You must be careful during this stage not to fall into that my way or the highway mindset. Relationships are about compromise. There’s give and take, and the same person can’t always be the one giving or taking.

The conflicts you’re experiencing aren’t about huge issues because you don’t yet have that deep commitment or know that much about one another, but they’re disagreements, nonetheless.

Life Becomes Too Stressful – Fight or Flee?

If this becomes too stressful for you, your fight-or-flight instincts might kick in, causing you to either engage in arguments or want to flee the relationship. You might want to fight to defend your values or your point of view, which may translate into wanting everything to be your way.

Are You in Stage 2?

One way to know for sure that you’re in this second stage is that you’re able to sleep easier. You aren’t thinking about him 24/7. You feel more comfortable doing your outside activities and hanging out with your friends now.

Another signal is that while one of you is withdrawing from the relationship, seemingly shutting down your heart and pulling away so you can get some space, the other is pursuing harder. The pursuing partner wants more attention because she feels the growing distance. This partner might feel emotionally abandoned by the other partner.

How to Survive Stage 2

Stage two is certainly survivable, or there wouldn’t be three more stages to follow. The challenge, of course, is to get the person who’s withdrawing to recognize the emotional abandonment their partner is feeling. And for the partner who’s ramped up their pursuit, to recognize that they need to pull back and give their partner some space.

Realize You Can’t Change Him – Accept Him Where He Is

It’s also important to recognize that you can’t change him. Just because he isn’t the person you thought he was doesn’t mean you aren’t compatible. If you love someone, you learn to love them where they are, not where you want them to be.

James and Kira have been together for a couple of years now, but James just retired from military service and is battling some post-concussion issues. The doctors are saying he may have what they’re now calling a traumatic brain injury. James isn’t the guy he was when he left, and while they communicated during his time away, they were able to avoid many of the pitfalls of Stage 2.

Now that they’re together, Kira is frustrated, partly because she doesn’t understand the changes in James, and partly because their differences seem to be coming to light now that he’s back. But Kira realizes that she loves James and is willing to do what it takes to understand what he’s going through, even though it’s difficult at times.

Learn How to Fight Fair

An unfair fight is one where you yell and carry on without listening or giving the other person a chance to say their peace.

When you see a discussion escalating into an argument, it’s time to step back from it. You can say something like, “I think we both need to take a few minutes to calm down so we can talk about this rationally.

When you’re emotional, like when you’re angry, it’s very difficult to think logically or rationally. Your mind just can’t do it, so any argument comes from an emotional place, not a rational one. By giving you both time to calm down, you’re allowing for your rational or logical mind to come back into the picture.

You’re also more likely to be ready to listen now that you’ve calmed down.

During this calming down time, take some deep breaths to send a signal to your system that the danger is over. Alleviate that fight or flight response that kicked in. You may also consider taking a walk or going to the gym to work out. This also releases those fight-or-flight chemicals and allows you to burn off the angry energy.

When you come back together, stick to the ONE topic you were arguing about. Don’t bring up something that happened between you six weeks ago. Also, avoid hurling insults and using foul language. Be calm and come prepared to listen as much as, if not more than you speak.

Remember, this is Normal

What you’re going through is normal. It’s a stage of your relationship. It isn’t permanent. Nor is it a sign that there’s nothing between you. Your relationship isn’t ending just because you’re in the middle of a disagreement.

Throughout your entire relationship, you will disagree. It’s how you manage those disagreements that make the difference between whether your relationship will survive.

Learn the Difference Between Healthy Disagreements and Control Issues

You can work through any healthy disagreement, but if you find yourself in a constant battle for control, that might not be a relationship worth saving.

What to do if your boyfriend is controlling

Is my relationship over?

Surviving Stage 2 is all about acceptance and tolerance of the issues that now rise up between you. Neither of you is perfect, nor is one of you always right and the other wrong. If you can learn to compromise, you’ll be more likely to succeed!

How Long Does Stage 2 Last?

Stage two can last anywhere from a few months to years, depending on the couple. How long it lasts for you depends on a few factors:

Your willingness to embrace change
Your own childhood history and any attachment issues
The quality of the advice you receive
How willing you are to compromise and forgive

This is a stage where selfishness will be your demise.

There are, of course, only two possible outcomes from going through Stage 2. Either you break up or you power through.

Couples who break up are often serial daters who are always looking for love but finding disappointment. They’re more likely individuals who lack confidence and/or are battling some attachment issues from their childhood.

Couples who power through are usually more confident individuals who are able to forgive and survive the pain and frustration this stage can bring. These are individuals who believe that being in a relationship means making sacrifices and compromises for your partner or the relationship.

How do You Know When Stage 2 is Over?

You’re ending Stage 2 when:

You can communicate effectively about difficult topics
You’re able to quickly repair the damaging effects of your disagreements
You can heal old wounds and restore any broken trust
You’re able to share the power, instead of struggling for it
You can accept one another for who you are, instead of trying to change one another

This stage can feel like it’s just not worth it, that it’s too much work to survive it, but sometimes the harder the struggle, the stronger you are if you make it to the other side!

Unlike stage one, this isn’t a stage you want to revisit. If you find yourself arguing over small differences, it’s a kick in the behind to remember to compromise and listen.

If you find yourselves returning to this stage over and over, or if you seem to get stuck here, it means you lack the skills to navigate your power struggle and resolve your differences. You need to develop these skills in order to move on successfully past this stage.

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 3 – The Adjustment Stage

If stage two didn’t kill your relationship, stage three might. Sometimes, this stage is defined by what some call the seven-year itch. This is another stage of challenging moments, which arise as your commitment deepens and you continue to learn about one another.

The differences at this stage may have more to do with external factors like family differences, cultural discrepancies, religious beliefs, values, or morals. Those things are all starting to make a difference in how your relationship functions from one day to the next, so they’re rising to the surface.

At this stage, you’re at a point of deciding whether these deeper differences are surmountable. Since many of these differences often dictate how you live your life, they can be a big deal. Up until now, you may not be living together or spending a lot of time together, at least not enough for these issues to surface, but you’re getting closer and they matter now.

Sometimes, during this phase, you drift apart. Just like in stage two, however, this doesn’t mean the relationship is over. It simply means you need to communicate. What’s driving you apart? Can you resolve the differences or are they too important or too big to overcome?

If you’ve learned how to resolve your differences well in stage two, you may find this to be a time of peace. You know how to work through issues and you’re carrying those skills forward to manage the new potential conflicts.

During this stage, you realize that you can’t change one another, so you either accept each other for who you are or you split up. You develop mutual respect for one another that overrides the differences and helps you set and maintain your boundaries.

The Dangers of Stage 3

Boredom

You can lull yourself into boredom during this stage if you aren’t careful. Finding that peace is nice, but if you settle into too much peace, it’s no longer fun and challenging.

Grow together and push one another to stretch your comfort zones. These types of activities help you build intimacy and make your relationship stronger.

While many people mistake sex for intimacy, intimacy is actually about spending bonding moments together, building memories, and growing deeper in your affection for one another. When things get tough, it may be those memories that draw you back to one another.

Unhealthy Relationship Habits

If you’re experiencing a lot of conflict during this stage, you can develop unhealthy relationship habits, like giving one another the silent treatment after an argument or completely ignoring your problems altogether.

Exhaustion and frustration at the constant bickering can weigh on you, making you not even want to try. If you get to this point, you need to have a conversation about whether this relationship has what it takes. You’ve gone through a lot already and you’ve spent a good amount of time together, probably a couple of years at this point, so be careful about giving up too easily.

Becoming “I” Instead of “We”

It’s easy to feel alone when there’s a growing distance between you. In this stage, you might feel as if you’re alone again, except with someone still sort of there in the periphery. The solution, again, is communication. At this point, it’s the solution to everything.

If you haven’t yet developed healthy communication skills, it’s time to do so. Instead of both of you hanging out with mutual friends, you may find yourself spending more time with your friends and less time with him.

Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you need those communication skills for the next time. In that instance, evaluate what went wrong and how you can do your part better the next time.

How to Survive Stage 3

Again, stage three is survivable or there wouldn’t be four and five. There are things you can do to help yourselves make it through.

Stop Avoiding Your Problems

Problems don’t go away just because you ignore them. Especially when they’re problems between two people. They just get bigger and bigger until they’re too big to ignore, and often by then, they can be insurmountable.

When a problem comes up, wait until a time when you’re getting along and then bring it up. Don’t choose another fight to solve this problem. If you sit down when you’re both already calm, it opens you up to logical and rational thought processes instead of emotionally charged yelling matches where nothing is solved.

If something is too challenging but you want to work it out, consider couples counseling. An unbiased mediator can often see things you’re missing and is trained to look for cues in the things you say and your actions.

Remember to Show Affection Toward One Another

When things are rough, it’s easy to forget to show your partner that you still love them, but it’s also more important than ever.

You can have an argument that leaves one or both of you wondering how the other feels. Without any affection, that unknown can really weigh on you and cause more harm.

Some people go by a never go to bed angry rule, and it’s a good one to use. That way you can still come together at night and comfort one another, have sex, or just cuddle. Even spending time watching a movie together can be intimate.

Be sure to Notice the Positives

In stage one, it’s all about the positives of the relationship and failing to see the negatives. Stages two and three can focus more on the negatives, so be sure to remember the positives.

Be appreciative of the things he does for you. This is how he shows his love for you. Also, try to do things for him. Even small gestures like baking his favorite cookies or cooking his favorite meal can go a long way to showing appreciation.

When you feel like all of your focus is on negativity, make a mental shift and work through some positivity instead.

How Long Does Stage 3 Last?

There’s no predicting how long this stage will last. If you developed good communication and problem-solving skills during stage two, it might not be a contentious stage at all. You may find that peace I mentioned earlier, but remember that peace comes at a price too if you aren’t careful.

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 4 – The Commitment Stage

The commitment stage isn’t about marriage per se. In fact, you could already be married by this point. The commitment is more about knowing that you’ve overcome your differences and learned how to communicate well enough to solve problems and avoid massive arguments.

Commitment is about making a choice every day to be with your partner. You feel like you don’t need one another, but you want one another, for better or worse, as they say.

Now, you experience a balance of love, power, fun, belonging, and freedom.

You’ve decided that the bad is outweighed by the good. While you have differences, you’ve learned how to live with them or you’ve made conscious choices to change yourselves to accommodate your partner.

The Dangers of Stage 4

Sex and Intimacy Fade Away

If you continue to nurture and place importance on your sexual relationship, this won’t happen. Keep things exciting in the bedroom. Share a fantasy or yours or his and act it out. Explore sex toys and games to keep things exciting.

Passion doesn’t just happen after stage one. It takes effort to keep that attraction alive.

Bring back sexual tension in your relationship

Staying Together for the Wrong Reasons

Be objective about why you’re still together. It’s very easy to stay together because of the kids or because it’s easier than starting over.

Don’t allow guilt over splitting up outweigh the common sense of ending something that just isn’t working. It’s easy to settle into a routine of complacency, but that’s not engaging, fun, or fair to either of you.

Believing That Your Work is Done

Now that the relationship has settled in, it’s easy to think you can coast now.

Wrong!

A good relationship is one that you’re always working on. You’re always doing things together to build intimacy. You’re challenging one another, maintaining an air of mystery, and you’re doing things together.

At the same time, you’re giving one another space and pursuing a few interests of your own outside of the relationship.

Just don’t think you’ve reached a point when your relationship doesn’t require any more effort. You never reach that point!

Forgetting to Maintain Your Emotional Connection

An emotional connection isn’t sex. Emotional connection is, in part, about trusting one another. By now you should have a high level of trust in one another.

It’s when you both feel this trust that you feel safe sharing more baggage and vulnerabilities if you haven’t done so yet.

If your partner shares something like that with you, be careful with it. Think of it like an egg. You should hold it carefully and give it great consideration. He’s given you something and he temporarily feels as breakable as that eggshell. Don’t belittle him or laugh at what he shares.

If he shares something like that with you, it’s a good idea to reciprocate. Show that you trust him with your deep dark secrets too.

Affairs

This is the stage where affairs can happen. They’re more likely to occur if you haven’t navigated stages two and three very well. Your intimacy and trust have already fallen off and you don’t feel connected. You may be staying together out of convenience or for the kids.

One of you has pulled away and the other is now seeking either sex or the emotional connection you just read about. Women will seek an emotional connection. Men will seek sex.

You can avoid this, again, by being good communicators and by recognizing that a good relationship takes work. Understand the natural rhythms your relationship goes through.

It ebbs and flows, just like anything else. When it ebbs, that’s when you need to be a little more vigilant, paying attention, showing appreciation, and communicating so both of your needs are met.

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 5 – Best Friends

By now, you’ve gone to hell and back and you’re still together. At this stage, you’re happy together and recognize the struggle you’ve gone through to get here.

You’re closer than ever, probably considering one another to be best friends. The closeness you share now feels irreplaceable and your relationship feels like it’s on solid ground.

Characteristics of Stage 5

You Take on a Big Project Together

You may decide to start a business together or to build your dream home. You might share a hobby or be passionate about a cause you give your time and money to.

You’re a cohesive unit now and you show that by working together on things. The world now sees you as one, instead of two.

Your Communication Skills are Excellent

You’ve learned how to communicate, and this is part of why your relationship is where it is today. Both of you understand that talking things through before they get out of hand is a much better plan than letting things sit.

You may even be one of those couples now who doesn’t always need to communicate. You go into a coffee shop and you just know what he likes. You decide to stop on the way home to pick up dinner and you don’t have to ask him what he wants because you already know.

You Rely on One Another

Because you’re best friends, you can share the ups and downs of daily life. You get the promotion or you don’t; regardless, the first person you want to tell is your partner. If you don’t get it, he’s there to comfort you. If you do, he’s there waiting to celebrate.

You’ve built an unshakable friendship, trust, commitment, and joy in being together.

The Dangers of Stage 5

Of course, there are pitfalls to any stage, but not as many as there were.

You Shift into Autopilot

The worst thing you can do to a relationship is put it on autopilot. Each day looks exactly like the last. You’re cycling through the same twelve meals, getting up and going to bed at the same time. Even sex has become routine.

This is not the way to keep your relationship healthy. Routine is easier on your brain for sure, but you want to challenge your brain. Change things up. Try new meals. Watch some sex videos or get some sex fantasy books to read together.

Don’t allow each day to be just like the last. Do something to keep things lively and fun.

You Live Parallel Lives

Instead of being a unit, you drift into being two people who live under the same roof. You’re driving kids to gymnastics and dance class while he’s coaching soccer and baseball. You go to work all day, come home, and throw something in the microwave. He eats on the road between work and practice.

You might come together in the evening and fall into bed beside one another, but the distance isn’t inches, it’s a canyon.

When conflict arises, instead of using those communication skills, you avoid one another. You’re both busy anyway and you use that business as an excuse to stay away from one another.

You can become depressed if this happens, and it’s a prime landscape for an affair or two.

You Invest Too Much in Outside Lives

Balance is key in your relationship. It’s great to have those outside activities, as long as you aren’t using them to live those parallel lives. You can get so invested in outside activities that you never spend time together, one-on-one.

To avoid this, maintain your weekly date night schedule. Be sure to put some sort of rules in place for how much time you’ll each commit to outside activities. You can also do some of them together, which increases your time together.

The goal is to continue to nurture the great relationship you’ve spent years building.

Stages of a Relationship: Final Thoughts

As I said in the beginning, these aren’t linear stages, meaning once you get to stage five, you can cycle back to one of the other stages. Ideally, you’ll cycle between five and one, because those are the two stages when you’re the most excited and energized by each other.

Your ultimate success relies really on one or two things:

Your communication skills
Your desire to work through things together

If you can look past his flaws and he can look past yours, you can build something great together.

A good relationship requires work from day one until the day one of you passes on. As long as you keep putting in the work, you’ll have a very satisfying relationship.

How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

Build a Great Relationship, Build Confidence

Sometimes, you must face the inevitable point when it’s time to end the relationship you’d hoped would be your last.

You went into this relationship thinking he was the one, but then the attraction faded, and lust didn’t turn into love as you’d hoped. After two to three years, you see him for who he really is and it’s not a perfect match after all.

Sometimes, it’s not a lack of attraction or chemistry, but a misalignment of goals, cheating, or simply falling out of love. Regardless of the reason, there’s a right and wrong way to end the relationship and move on in a healthy way.

You owe it to one another, and to yourselves to end the relationship the right way. Before we go there, however, allow me to share a few reasons why a relationship should end.

What You’ll Find Here

Why You Should End the Relationship

How to End the Relationship

Ending the Relationship with Style and Grace

Why You Should End the Relationship

You Have No Emotional Connection

When you have an emotional connection with your partner, you feel safe sharing your vulnerability with him. You can easily discuss anything, or mostly anything with him because he’s your emotional rock. He will be there to pick up the pieces. He’ll hold you up when you feel like falling down. You both provide strength for each other.

But if the spark disappears, this connection often goes with it.

The two of you engaged in friendly banter and enjoyed one another’s company, but now, even that feels strained. This is that emotional connection sizzling away. You no longer engage in meaningful conversation about anything. Being alone together just feels hard and is full of empty silence, fidgeting, and finally empty conversation to fill the void.

End the Relationship When You Don’t Feel Sexually Attracted

Sexual attraction can vary in a relationship, depending on what else is going on in your life. It’s natural, but if you find it difficult to come out of a low attraction phase, it might be a sign that things aren’t working anymore, but it’s not definitive.

Think back to when the two of you first had sex. How does that memory make you feel today? If these memories make you smile and have fond memories, all may not be lost. You’re probably still sexually attracted to him but there’s something else going on.

Then again, if you’re just not attracted to him anymore, it’s probably time to end the relationship and move on. When there’s no sexual interest between you, it’s a sign that the relationship is unhealthy and headed toward demise.

Someone Else Holds Your Interest

While you’re with him now, your heart flutters over someone else, or at least the idea of someone else. Maybe it’s a guy you’ve seen and briefly chatted with at the gym, a coworker, or a friend of a friend. Regardless of who it is, it’s not your current partner.

It’s okay to fantasize about other men, as long as it doesn’t steal your attention and affection for your partner. Fantasies become problematic when they invade that relationship space. When you’re in bed with your guy, he should be the one you’re thinking of, so if he isn’t, you know it’s time.

End the Relationship When You’re Being Asked to Change Who You Are

When someone loves you, they love you for who you are right now. He accepts your flaws, and probably even loves you for them. He doesn’t even see the nose you wish you’d had redone years ago. No. I take that back, he sees it and can’t imagine why you’d want to change it.

But when someone berates you into getting into better shape or finding a better job, it’s time to consider whether this is right for you.

Asking someone to use less salt when they cook or to avoid eating the peanuts that will surely send you to the ER is okay. That isn’t changing who you are fundamentally.

But when someone tells you that you’re not good enough for them the way you are, that’s on them. If you want to lose twenty pounds, go for it, but do it because you want to do it to improve your health or burn off stress.

He’s Supportive When Things are Good

Tanya and Brent had been together for several years. They’d recently purchased a house together and seemed to be a great couple. Then, Tanya got a new boss at work and he was a tyrant. On top of his poor managerial skills, he was new to the company and many of the things he railed at Tanya about weren’t correct.

Tanya came home from work stressed to the max. She wanted a hot bath, a margarita, and some candles so she could decompress. She expected that Brent would be her rock.

Instead, Brent sought out someone new. Not two days before, they appeared to everyone to be a happy, loving couple. If they arrived somewhere separately, he followed her home, pumped gas for her, and was there for her, but as soon as the sh*t came down, he sought out a new relationship.

Your guy should be supportive of you when things are good and when they’re bad. If you hit a rough patch in your life, a loving partner wants to help in whatever way he can. If it’s bringing you a new margarita while you cry in the bathtub, so be it. He’s there with a new salted glass full of margarita.

When he’s only there to share the good times but disappears or checks out when things are at a low point, it’s time to consider ending things.

You May Need to End the Relationship When Trust is Broken

I say you may need to end the relationship because it is possible for a couple to overcome a loss of trust, often caused by an affair. The catch is that you must both agree to do some couples therapy to get there. Only a professional can guide you through rebuilding your trust as nobody else can.

Trust is essential to any healthy relationship and when it’s gone, everything else fades away with it. You feel unloved, unsupported, unheard, unnoticed, and many other things.

Trust isn’t just broken with affairs. It’s also broken when promises aren’t kept. He promised to move closer in six months, but nine months have passed, and he isn’t even trying to do what needs to be done so he can make that move.

He promised to attend your big family event but bailed again at the last minute.

Maybe he promised to take you on a big vacation or to move in with you, but delay after delay keeps it from happening.

You can only make and break so many promises before all trust is broken.

End the Relationship When He Wiggles Out of Every One of Your Family Commitments

Your guy doesn’t have to like your sister to attend her birthday party. He’s there for you, not her. He’s there to be your support system and your friend.

If your friends and family question the mere existence of your guy, you may have a problem. Hanging out with one another’s friends and family is part of being in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if his mother always compares you to his other girlfriends, tough it out and be there for him. Of course, in that instance, you have every right to ask him to talk to her, but that’s a different problem.

The point is that when you’re a couple, you suffer through friend and family events for the greater good of your relationship.

The caveat is that this is reciprocal. If you want him to come to your stuff, you need to go to his too.

You Can’t Express Your Needs without Negative Fallout

You should never feel guilty for needing something, nor should you be berated for it or told you’re crazy. Everyone has their moments when, no matter what it is, you have a need to be met.

If we go back to Tanya and Brent for a moment, Tanya needed support. She didn’t want anything from Brent other than for him to be there with another margarita when she needed it, to turn on the hot water again, or to bring in new candles when the old ones burned out. She had a need to feel heard, loved, and supported. Instead, he found someone who wasn’t going through a difficult time in her life.

When you’re there for someone, you’re there. He shouldn’t be telling you how dumb it is for you to want to be there for your mother as she goes through something difficult. He should be there to support you when you find out your childhood dog died.

But sometimes, people are so wrapped up in their own stuff that they can’t see the needs of others. If it’s temporary, fine, but if it’s an ongoing problem, it’s probably time to end the relationship.

End the Relationship if He’s Hiding You

A man who won’t take you to meet his friends and family after a reasonable amount of time together is a man who’s hiding something from you.

When a guy is in love, he wants to show her off to the important people in his life, like his mother, or a favorite sister or friend. He wants his buddies to meet you because he’s proud to have you in his life.

He isn’t afraid to post photos of you together on social media, or even to take them with his phone.

A man who avoids introducing you to important people may be having an affair with you as the extra in his drama. This is a no-win situation for you because even if he eventually leaves that other relationship, you’ll be faced with a natural trust issue. If he did this to someone else with you, what’s to keep him from doing the same to you?

You Aren’t You Around Him

The best thing you can do for any relationship is to be yourself right from the beginning, but most of us aren’t. In my book, The Social Tigress, there’s a chapter on branding yourself and while this may sound harsh, we all do it.

When you’re single and you go out with your girlfriends, you pay very close attention to what you wear, how your hair is styled, and what you do with your makeup. You’re marketing yourself even if you don’t realize it.

If you create an online profile on a dating site or app, you’re marketing yourself.

In these marketing efforts, we all put our best foot forward. Only the best photos of you go on the profile, right? Of course.

But once you meet someone, you need to allow the real you to shine through. Sure, he may have initially been attracted to how you look, but men aren’t so superficial that they only go for looks. That might get him to say “Hello”, but it doesn’t get to eventually saying, “Goodnight.”

The problem comes into play when you can’t be yourself, either because he tries to stifle who you are or because you’ve shown him such a different version of yourself, and stuck to it, that now you can’t be the real you for fear of losing him.

In any case, he isn’t in love with you, he’s in love with the version of you that either he wants or you’re showing him, not the real you.

End the Relationship When You Both Talk About a Hypothetical Better Time Ahead

Your relationship shouldn’t be about waiting for the good times to come. You shouldn’t be waiting for the relationship to get better when some future milestone is hit.

He’ll appreciate me more once I can cook better.

We’ll have a better connection when we live together.

He’ll be more open with his feelings when we’ve been together for another six months.

You’re waiting for him to change, but he is who he is and there isn’t a thing you can do about it. Yes, people can change, but that doesn’t mean they want or intend to.

Instead of waiting for your relationship to be ideal in the future, look at what you have now. Can you live with things the way they are? If he’s not meeting your needs now, that perceived milestone in the future might not change a thing.

Your Goals are Different

A couple who wants to be together for the long haul should have shared goals. Not every goal should be shared, but the big ones are important.

For example, if he wants to travel the world but you want to advance your career, your goals are misaligned in such a way that it won’t work unless you negotiate the timing. You may agree to travel the world with him, but at a slower pace than he had in mind. If he’s agreeable, it might work, but if he wants to take two years off before making his big career move and you don’t, it may be time to end the relationship.

Sharing goals brings more intimacy to your relationship. When you’re doing things together, you’re developing memories and drawing nearer to one another. Intimacy isn’t just about sex, it’s about those shared moments that you’ll always remember.

How to End the Relationship

Now that you know some reasons for ending the relationship, let’s examine how you can end the relationship with style and respect.

Prepare Ahead of Time

Plan what you’ll say before you meet up with your guy. Don’t just decide to wing it. I know it’s a nervous time, but you’ll be less nervous if you practice a bit. Get a friend to help or practice in front of a mirror. Get your speech down and be prepared for his reaction.

Understand at the same time, however, that you cannot control his reaction. Trying to word things in a way that won’t upset him is futile. All you can do is remember to be kind, not to dump all the blame on him, and to be respectful of his need to speak.

End The Relationship Face-to-Face

Of course, it’s more comfortable to send a text or email telling him it’s over, but this is the chicken sh*t way out. Please don’t do this to anyone. He has time and emotions tied to the relationship too, and he deserves for the end to be a one-on-one conversation.

The exception to this rule is if there is physical abuse involved. In that instant, you’re running, not conversing. Otherwise, have enough respect for what the two of you shared to end it in person.

Choose the Right Place

Don’t end your relationship at your place or his but choose somewhere comfortable for both of you. It might be someplace public but somewhat secluded, like a park or a cozy coffee shop.

If you’re worried about him blowing his stack, in public is definitely a good idea, but if you think he’ll be calm about it, give him the courtesy of privacy when you end it.

End the Relationship and Be Respectful

One person is never the only responsible party in a breakup. You both have your roles. So, be respectful of him, and don’t dump this all on him. Own your part too and make sure not to make it a bashing session.

Respect also means being honest. Again, this doesn’t mean reciting every single thing he did to upset you but don’t lie either. Be general.

“Gee Brad, I think we just grew apart.” Or “You know, Jim, I think we just want different things now.”

This way, you’re ending it, but you’re not dumping on him, which would be unfair.

Heart,Drawn,On,The,Beach,Sand,Being,Washed,Away,By

Make it a Clean Break

When you see he’s upset, you might try to mitigate that with some soothers like, “But we can still be friends” or “Let’s just see if time apart helps.”

If you don’t see a future for the two of you, this is unfair. I know you’re trying to make him feel better, but he’s still going to get hurt. It’ll just take longer.

It’s okay to be friends after a breakup but give him time to process the breakup first. Let him find his own way out of the situation and then reach back out, maybe in a few months.

End the Relationship but Avoid Arguing

Since you know this is coming and he probably doesn’t, he may be defensive at first and this can often lead to an argument. He may be angry and want to argue with you out of spite, or he’ll be blindsided and want to argue that you shouldn’t break up.

Either way, once your conversation devolves into an argument, it’s time to go. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by arguing with him.

You don’t need to be mean about it, but simply tell him you think it’s time for you to go, “Jim, I’d like to leave us on a happy note, so I’m going to leave before we start saying things we’ll regret.”

He may try to continue the argument by phone, text, or email. In that case, block him for a while, at least until his anger subsides. It’s very difficult to have an argument if you’re the only one arguing.

He’ll soon settle down and it’ll end.

Don’t Let Him Talk You Out of It

If he didn’t see it coming and is still in love with you, he may try to talk you into staying. If you have good reasons for leaving, don’t allow this to happen.

You’ll come to the same ending eventually and the hurt will be that much deeper.

It’s a normal reaction for the other person to beg you to stay. He’ll make promises like:

I’ll be better about pitching in around the house
If I try, I know I can stop belittling you around your friends and family
I know I can be a little cranky, but I’ll work on it, I promise

If he wants to make those changes, great, but let him work on those things by himself. If you did have something before and you aren’t interested in anyone else, he may indeed come to you in a few months a new and better man.

But those types of changes are best done when you’re single.

End the Relationship but Be Empathetic

While breaking up might be a relief to you, he may be deeply saddened. Try not to glory in your happiness while he’s down. If you’re happy, fine, but be empathetic to what he’s feeling at that moment.

It’s never nice to dismiss or ignore someone’s feelings, even if you don’t want to date him anymore. You can soften the blow by reminding him of something good like, “Before I met you, I didn’t even know how to boil pasta. You taught me so much and I’m grateful.”

Final Words on How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

Even though you’re the one ending it, your body will have a physiological and emotional response. Your mind is addicted to being in love, so it’ll play tricks on you to try to get you back out there faster than you should be.

Give yourself time to grieve the relationship and time to heal. Relationships change who you are. You learn new things, but you may give up some things too, like a hobby you enjoyed or participating in a sport you enjoy.

Sometimes, you even give up friendships in lieu of more time with your boyfriend. It’s time to revive all of those things and rejoin life. Doing so will help you find who you are again, and it will also help you through the grieving process.

I have a book that explains the nine stages of grieving a relationship, whether you initiated the breakup or not. It also helps you prepare yourself for a new relationship. It’s linked just below!

When you end the relationship in a classy way, you have no regrets and you leave your ex-partner with a better chance of moving forward in a healthy way too.

If you're ready to move on from this relationship, you're ready for He's Gone, Now What? This book walks you through the many aspects of dealing with a breakup, even if you're the one who initiated the breakup. Regardless of who started it, as they say, your body becomes addicted to the chemicals associated with being in love. The withdrawal process is as daunting as the withdrawal from cocaine.

You'll also learn about the stages of grieving a relationship and how to begin moving forward. You'll walk through the steps of preparing yourself for dating again and gain an understanding of how you can do so in a healthy, happy relationship.

You can learn more about the book here or you can purchase it by clicking one of the buttons below.

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Good Night Messages for Him That will Keep You on His Mind!

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After

Heartfelt Good Night Messages for Him

You enjoy telling him goodnight, but do you understand the power behind good night messages for him?

Your message could be the most powerful memory of the day for him, so why not make him feel good about himself and tell him how you feel. Guys are more sensitive than women think, and they respond to words of appreciation. Shoot him a good night message every now and then, but don’t overdo it.

Whether you just met, or you have been in love for twenty years, a good night message for him takes away stress and leaves him dreaming about you. Send it to him from the other side of the world or from the next room, but send it. He will love you for it.

Good Night Messages for Him

Today reminded me why I keep you around. Good night sweetie.
Tonight may have changed everything. Sleep tight my love.
What you accomplished today was amazing – you deserve to sleep well tonight.
I look forward to seeing your smile in the morning. Good night sweet darling.
I am blessed to have you in my life. Goodnight sweet baby.
Have you figured it out yet? I have. Sleep tight my prince.
May all your dreams come true tonight. I know mine have. Sleep well.
Rest my love. You deserve it.
I love you. And I will love you forever. Happy dreams!
Lights out my love. Can’t wait to take on the world with you tomorrow!
You had me when you smiled in my direction. Sweet thoughts my love.
Do you know who I want to spend my life with? Yes you! Good night darling 🙂
You still make my knees weak and my heart skip a beat. Good night my love.
Saturday can’t come quick enough. Sweet dreams.
Yeah, you’re kinda cute – but it’s your confidence that makes my heart flutter. See you in the morning!
I had a bad day today. Then, I saw you. Amazing! Good night baby.
A funny thing happened on a date tonight – I fell in love. Night. Night.
Dream about me tonight.
If you can dream it I can do it – as long as I am with you.
Two hearts became one this evening. Sleep well my love.
Lights out until we meet again tomorrow.
Guess what? I’ve decided to keep you. Good night my love.
Everyday my friends say how lucky I am to be with you. They are right. Sweet dreams Punky. (insert nickname)
Who is better than you? No one. Good night my knight.
If you only you knew the impact you have had on my life. I’ll show you firsthand in the morning.
At the end of a grinding day I am so blessed to come home to you. I will never take that for granted. Sweet dreams Mr. Jeff.
My lover and my best friend…forever. Sweet dreams.
You get better looking every day. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow! See you in the mornin’ my love.
I will miss you for these next eight hours 🙂 Good night honey.
I think my dog loves you too! Sleep tight dear.
Sometimes I snuggle on your chest when you are asleep. Your beating heart puts me to sleep.
Did you know we hold hands when you are asleep :)?
You are an amazing father and husband. I am blessed that the stars aligned and placed us together. Goodnight my superhero.
Millions of men are sleeping right now – but only the one reading this message matter to me. Good night.

These Good Night Messages for Him are Simple and Delightful – Try a Few!

I hope this list gives you some ideas that will let him know how you feel. Remember, we overlook the simple things because we’re so busy with our bustling lives. Slow things down at the end of the day and send him a good night message by voice or text.

If you do, he will love you for it!

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Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

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