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The Alpha Woman Guide to Happy Relationships

The Alpha Woman Guide to Happy Relationships

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After

For an alpha woman, finding a happy relationship can be one of the biggest challenges of your life. You’re drawn to alpha men because they’re most like you, but then you find yourself in one power struggle after another and the whole thing ends badly.

How does an alpha woman find happy relationships? She does one of two things: she finds beta men to date or learns how to date alpha men.

But there’s a caveat. Studies indicate that while alpha men will date alpha women, they don’t usually marry them.

Still, don’t give up! Today, I have some tips for you on enjoying dating again and finding yourself in a happy relationship! But first, I want to clarify what an alpha woman is. As I’ve been sending some emails about alphas, I’m finding a little bit of a misunderstanding.

Who is the Alpha Woman?

Maybe I should start with what an alpha woman is not. I recently received an email from a woman who proclaims herself an alpha woman because she’s bossy. Bossiness is not a trait of an alpha woman. It’s often a sign of lower confidence – a my way or the highway attitude that denotes someone who can’t handle being wrong.

Alpha Women are Confident

So, of course, the first trait of an alpha woman is that she’s confident. Confident does not equal bossy. Confident means you can handle being wrong and you use those opportunities to learn and improve, not bully someone into submission.

Of course, the thing about confidence is that it not only varies from person to person, but within one person, it can vary from one area of life to another. For example, you can be very confident in your job, but you’ve had a few bad relationships and your dating confidence has dropped.

Confidence is also something you can build back up with effort and patience with yourself.

The Alpha Woman is Ambitious

The alpha woman has goals and she goes after them with gusto! This woman has a plan and she keeps it in front of her every day! She lives a very intentional life that helps her focus on reaching those goals with few distractions.

Alpha Women are Learners

The alpha woman is never happy to stay just as she is. Instead, she’s always trying to learn something new to propel her to new heights or help her achieve a goal. She may focus on learning a new hobby or a new skill for her job. It doesn’t matter. She loves to learn and she’s always learning something!

The Alpha Woman Loves to Encourage Others

You’ll find that the alpha woman is one of the biggest cheerleaders you know, especially when it comes to people she works with or those she cares for.

If you’ve got a big presentation, the alpha will be there, ready to help in any way she can and to give you that boost of confidence you need.

She’s supportive of others and helps keep her friends and coworkers motivated and energized. You want an alpha on your side!

There are several other traits of an alpha woman, and you can find them in my book, The Alpha Female: Who is She? Who Should She Date? How do You Become One?

Are You an Alpha Female Who Can't Find a Happy Relationship?

For alpha women, finding a relationship that isn’t challenging or frustrating can be a real problem. You’re drawn to alpha men, but science tells us that alpha men don’t want to marry alpha women, they only want to date them. Then there’s the beta man, often misunderstood by both alpha men and women, but often a great choice for the alpha woman. Learn more about how you can develop a happy relationship with either type of man by checking out The Alpha Female: Who is She? Who Should She Date? How do You Become One?

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Why Not Try Dating Beta Men?

There is no more misunderstood category of person than the beta man. You may search the internet for articles on the beta man after reading this. I encourage you to read cautiously, especially if the article is written by an alpha man.

Why?

My personal opinion is that alpha men feel threatened by beta men, which is why they use phrases like detrimental to society.

The truth is that the beta man is a wonderful man to date. Let me share a few reasons why.

Beta Men Don’t do Power Struggles

The beta man is fine being second in command in your relationship. In fact, he prefers it. He really doesn’t have any desire to be in charge. It may be that he has a very high-power job at work and wants to relax when he gets home.

Being a beta doesn’t mean he isn’t strong or that he doesn’t have a good job. It just means that when he’s with the woman he adores, he’s fine letting her call the shots.

He’s Comfortable Being Himself

While alpha males tend to preen a lot and thrive on competition, the beta man is fine with himself just as he is.

He’s competitive, like an alpha, but he has a confidence an alpha doesn’t usually possess. He doesn’t need to competite or win to feel better about himself.

The beta man doesn’t have the same need to impress others as an alpha has either. He knows what his uniqueness is and he’s okay with it. He doesn’t need to pretend to be someone he isn’t, just to gain the attention of others.

The Beta Male is Altruistic

The beta man is very comfortable doing something for someone else, just for the sake of helping someone. He requires no accolades or props for doing something good.

Men show their love through their actions, and this is especially true of beta men. If you ask your beta man to do something for you, he’s on it. You don’t need to ask twice.

He’s Detail-Oriented

Wouldn’t you love to date just one guy who caught on to the important stuff? You want the guy who notices your new hair color, cut, or style. You’re looking for someone who notices when you go the extra mile and appreciates it.

The beta man will remember your favorite coffee flavor, how many teaspoons of sugar or honey in your tea, and even which specialty bread you like at the bakery.

alpha woman

He’s More Likely to be a Cuddler

If you’re looking for a guy who enjoys binge-watching Outlander as much as he enjoys an evening out, the beta is your guy.

Alphas need to be out so they can be noticed. Betas are fine going out, but they’re just as likely to want to stay home and snuggle in front of a fire with you.

He’ll do what you want to do.

He Cares About Your Needs in Bed and is Sensitive

What woman wouldn’t want a guy like this?

Of course, the beta man wants to enjoy sex, but his main goal is for you to enjoy the experience. He’s sensitive to your needs both in and out of bed.

If you’ve dated a few alphas or narcissists, this can take some getting used to, but once you do, you’ll appreciate his attention and sensitivity.

What the Beta Man Isn’t

As I mentioned previously, the beta man is misunderstood. Many of the traits you just read, as well as others that betas possess make them seem weak. The truth is that a beta man may be the CEO of a major corporation from nine to five, but from five to nine, he wants someone else to take control.

Some sites will describe beta men as small and scrawny, but I know of one beta man who is 6’4” and very muscular. He works in an emergency room and rehabs vintage cars for a hobby. He’s perfectly fine with his wife being in charge when he’s home. I know another beta who is very athletic and earned upwards of $500K a year. He wishes every day for a woman to be in control in his life.

Other sites describe betas as unattractive, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so who’s to say that a man you find attractive will be attractive to everyone or vice versa? Again, this is someone who truly does not understand the beta.

A final myth I’ll dispel about betas right now is that they have feminine characteristics. They most certainly do not. Neither of the men I described above have any feminine characteristics. Alphas who feel threatened by the beta man’s sensitivity and attention to detail will use these types of phrases to demean the beta.

Just remember that everyone is different. Not all beta men are alike, just like not all alpha men are alike. These generalizations merely help you know which type of man may be best for you.

Speaking of which, let’s take a look at the alpha man.

alpha woman

Alpha Men

Alpha men have good and bad traits. Sometimes one trait can be both, depending on how a particular man uses that trait.

First, let’s examine the positive traits of an alpha man.

He’s a Strong Leader

The alpha man is a strong leader who leads by example. This is one of those traits that can fall into both positive and negative categories, especially as far as relationships with alpha women are concerned.

If you’re willing to give up your leadership role in the relationship, you’ll find your alpha will always steer you in the right direction. This strength makes him a great role model for children, as long as the negatives of this personality trait don’t rear their ugly heads.

The problem with this trait is that an alpha doesn’t see all voices as equal in his relationships. His voice matters. Period.

He Has Emotional Intelligence

Not all alphas have this trait, but many do. Emotional intelligence is knowing what you’re feeling and knowing how to manage those feelings. When a man has high emotional intelligence, it also means he can better manage your emotions, which is something many men cannot do.

Again, though, not all alphas have this trait, so you want to make sure yours does.

He’s Confident

Alphas and betas are both confident types of men. Confidence is a very sexy trait to possess, for both men and women, so you’ll notice this about your guy right away. Of course, confidence can be a negative if he’s overconfident, but really, what comes off as overconfidence is really a lack of confidence, so be aware!

If he’s truly confident, he will make great decisions for your relationship. You can trust this guy!

He’s Growth-Oriented

Many alpha men are focused on personal growth, which means he’ll be interested in his and yours. If you decide you want to go back to college or learn something new, he’ll be right there helping in any way he can.

And Now for Some Problematic Traits

While alphas have many positive traits, a few of which you just read about, they also have some that can cause a relationship to take a turn for the worse.

Alphas are Fiercely Loyal and Protective

Seems like a good trait, right? And it can be for sure, until that protectiveness turns into overprotectiveness. He might consider you to be his property or territory.

Hey, don’t shoot the messenger…anyway, under his protectiveness, you may feel smothered, which quickly becomes a bad thing, especially since you’re an alpha too.

Watch for the fine line between his being protective and controlling. Protective is fine if he’s installing an alarm system to keep you safe while he’s out of town or walking on the street side when you’re out. It’s not okay when he’s got surveillance cameras all over the house and a tracker on your car.

He’s Decisive

How can this be a problem? Decisiveness can be a problem if he believes that either he’s the only one who can make decisions for your relationship or that he thinks his decisions are right and everyone else’s are wrong.

When two alphas are in a relationship and this problem raises itself, your knee-jerk response is to argue with him, but your better tactic is to retreat and let him stew in it for a while.

He heard your objections and statements contrary to his decision and he’s now mulling it over in the calm. If you give him time, he might come to the conclusion that you were right and he can see the wisdom of your opposing thoughts. This doesn’t mean he’ll give in to them, but he might. Your best path may be to gently remind him of your key points when things are going well. This allows him to consider it for a while longer and maybe see your point.

It will be difficult for him to admit he’s wrong, so if he does acquiesce, be sure not to gloat or make a big deal about it. Accept his change in decision and move forward.

He’s Honest

Again, how can this be bad? Well, it’s like the old joke, “Honey do these slacks make my butt look bigger?” The alpha male might not be wise to the idea that a little white lie never hurt anything and he’ll say yes, believing that honesty is the best policy. A smart man knows the answer is no, of course, but nobody said alphas were always smart 😊

What you must understand is that if he says something that comes off as a negative, the truth is that he does want you to look great, if for no other reason than it helps him look great. His honesty is what he considers to be constructive criticism. He’s not trying to hurt your feelings but to help you look better. He just has a poor way of going about it.

So Which Shall it Be?

The truth is that I can’t tell you which type of man to date. All I can do is present you with the two types of men that you’re most likely to come across and help you understand how you can enjoy a happy relationship with either type.

For the beta man, the happiness for him comes when you take control and let him be himself. Guide him in whatever you want him to do.

This doesn’t mean you’re bossy over him, but you have conversations that focus on getting to know what you each want out of your lives together and then you work out a plan for getting there. He will follow your lead, but he will do well if you let him have input as well.

Being in any type of relationship requires you to discuss things of importance, which eventually includes who will control what. Remain honest and open with him and truly listen to what he’s telling you.

Odds are, he’s been waiting for a very long time for a woman who will accept the control he’s willing to surrender.

For the alpha man, you’ll need to resign yourself to giving up control of many, if not all things. You can try to discuss it with him and he might give up some control, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Regardless of which type of man you choose, understand that there is give and take. How much you give and take will depend a lot on which type of man you decide to be with.

Are You an Alpha Female Who Can't Find a Happy Relationship?

For alpha women, finding a relationship that isn’t challenging or frustrating can be a real problem. You’re drawn to alpha men, but science tells us that alpha men don’t want to marry alpha women, they only want to date them. Then there’s the beta man, often misunderstood by both alpha men and women, but often a great choice for the alpha woman. Learn more about how you can develop a happy relationship with either type of man by checking out The Alpha Female: Who is She? Who Should She Date? How do You Become One?

Learn More
Stages of a Relationship

Stages of a Relationship

Build a Great Relationship

Everyone who’s happily attached goes through stages of a relationship, but you might mistake those stages as being linear. You find someone with whom you share incredible chemistry, but then who he really is starts to shine through and you enter into a more uncertain stage. Some relationships end here, others don’t.

If you make it through the uncertainty stage (we’ll give them more formal names shortly), you enter into an adjustment phase when the differences between you seem to stand out and you feel like you’re constantly negotiating something.

If you can survive the adjustment stage, you’ll find yourself ready to commit. You’re accepting one another for who you are and willing to hang in there. The next stage is acceptance. You’ve gone through a lot to get where you are, and you feel closer than ever.

The challenge is that you won’t stay in that acceptance stage because you’re both always growing and changing. You’ll cycle through these stages multiple times throughout a long-term relationship, regardless of what Hollywood tries to tell us.

What You’ll Find Here

Stage 1: Early Dating
Stage 2: The Love Hangover
Stage 3: The Adjustment Stage
Stage 4: The Commitment Stage
Stage 5: Best Friends
Final Thoughts

stages of a relationship

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 1 – Early Dating

This stage is called the infatuation stage, the euphoria stage, the merge stage, and probably a dozen other names, but they all mean the same thing.

It’s that first phase of a relationship when you feel the chemistry and you’re drawn to one another so strongly that common sense and reason often fly out the door. During this stage, your emotions are strong, often overriding any rational thinking you might normally do.

You feel he’s your perfect match, a guy who’s very similar to you and someone you want to spend all your time with.

According to scientific research, during this phase of a relationship, your brain shows decreased activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is the part responsible for the negative judgment of people. This means your brain has just handed you a pair of rose-colored glasses.

While this can feel like a bad thing, research also says that couples in the study who stayed together for three or more years had the most decreased activity in this part of their brains. While you each have faults and you see them, they don’t matter enough to cause you to end the relationship. In other words, you look past them.

The Dangers of Stage 1

While this is all well and good, there are some pitfalls to this chemical reaction your brain is having.

Ignoring Red Flags

First, you may ignore true red flags. You’re so in love with him that you see the red flags, but you don’t pay attention to them. Some flaws are no big deal and the ability to overlook them is fine, but sometimes there are bigger red flags that you should notice.

He may be financially irresponsible, physically or emotionally abusive, controlling, or have any of a host of other negative behaviors. One or both of you explain these poor behaviors away and move forward. Of course, all of those I just listed are not good for a healthy relationship, so ignoring them is leading you down a bad path.

To avoid this, ask your friends to meet him and give you their honest assessment. Listen to them because they have one goal – to protect you from yourself. They want you to be happy, so when they tell you something you don’t want to hear, remember that! Take off those rose-colored glasses for a few moments and ask yourself if what they’re seeing is true.

Date with your head, not with your heart

Giving Up Your Outside Live

Another problem that can occur in stage one is that you spend more time with this new love instead of on your hobbies and outside friendships. You begin to spend so much time together that your friends finally just give up on you coming to girls’ night ever again.

While this seems okay, it’s not. He fell for a woman who was active and engaged with the outside world. He fell for you because you were busy and confident.

A guy will enjoy this for a little while, but then he’ll begin to feel smothered. He wants to spend time with his friends, alone, but you’re always there. He can’t catch an evening to himself, and he may begin to feel smothered.

A relationship can’t survive with the two of you slobbering all over one another all the time. The two of you need time apart so you can appreciate your time together. He needs to be away from you sometimes in order to be excited to be with you again.

Avoid this by maintaining the activities you had before you met him. If you had Yoga on Tuesday nights, keep going. He’ll be okay, I promise. If you and your girlfriends did a girls’ night twice a month, keep going. Keep working on your hobbies and volunteering or doing other things that occupied your time before you met him.

Of course, don’t spend every evening doing something. Make time for a date night with him too, but don’t plan to spend every day, from the end of work one day until you wake up to go to work the next together.

Not Being Fully Honest with One Another

I often equate dating, especially early on, as a marketing activity. You’re putting your best foot forward so you can impress this guy. If you met through an online dating site, you put up your best photos, maybe photos that were a year or five old. You only listed your good qualities because who wants to put up the bad ones?

But this isn’t really you. We’re all flawed, and we all have baggage. We’re all afraid of being too vulnerable with someone we don’t really know, so we keep those parts of ourselves hidden. Of course, if you feel you’ve hidden your true self for too long, you wage a war with yourself over when is a good time to bring up some of those vulnerabilities and pieces of baggage.

So, here’s what you do. Try to be as close to your true self as you can be on your first date. Don’t wear an outfit that doesn’t represent your taste just because you think it makes you look sexier. Wear something you feel comfortable in that doesn’t show off too much of your body but still leaves him appreciating you.

Instead of hiding your baggage, unpack it slowly, in little pieces first. Always remember that just because you think something is negative in your life doesn’t mean he will. Baggage is different for everyone. You may have dated a few men who bolted and ran when they found out you have a three-year-old son, but that doesn’t mean the next guy will.

Having Unreasonable Expectations

When you have low confidence and self-esteem, you may set unreasonable expectations in the early phase of a relationship. For example, you may seek a commitment from him way before he’s ready to make one.

Guys take longer to fall in love

In reality, you’re probably scared to death that he might see through you to your pain and vulnerability, so you make sure to dump him first. That’ll teach him for being too perfect!

Some women meet a new guy and within a few weeks, they’re reading The Knot and dreaming about wedding dresses. Every time he does something that they feel is a milestone, they add to this vision of a lifetime relationship with him.

If you find yourself doing this, it’s time to stop dating for a while. Take a relationship break and work on yourself. If your confidence is low, you’re attracting a type of man you don’t want and who may not be able to commit to you in the way you envision.

Confident men don’t date women who lack confidence. They date confident women, so to attract a great man, you must first build your own confidence and self-esteem.

I want to change my life!

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Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

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You Have Sex With Him Too Soon

Sex too early in a relationship can kill whatever you have between you. Yes, a guy will ask to have sex, but that doesn’t mean you must say yes.

Have a boundary that says you won’t have sex with a guy until he’s proven himself worthy of you. Of course, if your beliefs say not to have sex until you’re married, let him know that. If he respects you and likes you enough at this stage, he’ll respect your boundaries.

How many dates before we have sex?

Sex and a new relationship | When is the right time?

When you have sex too soon, it is a low-confidence signal. It’s your way of saying you think you can’t keep him if you don’t have sex. That sex is all you have to offer.

This is not true. You are a wonderful woman, whether you see it or not. A good man will respect your boundaries and not try to crash through them.

We slept together. Now what?

How Long Does This First of the Stages of a Relationship Last?

Most believe that this first stage lasts about six months, some estimate it could last up to two years, but I don’t think that’s true. Really, it depends on the two of you. Nobody can predict how long any couple experiences one stage or another.

Your relationship is different from any other because you’re at different stages of your life than other couples. Another factor is how your relationship started, your personality traits, and how long it took you to fall in love.

I have neighbors who began dating during COVID. The man lives next door to me, and his girlfriend lives across the street from me. To add to the situation, his ex-wife lives about five doors down from his girlfriend. They all get along well, thankfully, so it all works.

When the man and his wife were married, they lived in the same school district as his current girlfriend. They knew one another. Their kids went to school together, so when they ended up being neighbors, they weren’t strangers. I would estimate it was about a year after she moved in that they started formally dating.

I don’t honestly know how long they stayed in this stage. They were very quiet about their relationship for quite some time, for obvious reasons. We have a close-knit neighborhood with quite a few busybodies. My point is that for them, this stage may have lasted a shorter period of time because they knew one another already. Some of the secrets were already out.

If you’re in this stage of a relationship, enjoy it. This is the fun stage when you’re learning about one another. Do fun things together. Enjoy getting to know one another. Don’t put the pressure of commitment on yourselves just yet. It’s too soon.

How to Get This Phase Back Later

Remember above, I said you’ll cycle through these stages of a relationship. How can you bring back this phase?

Continue to Show One Another Your Love

Never stop giving compliments or appreciating one another. Keep surprising him with his favorite coffee once in a while. Put a note in his laptop bag to remind him of something special you have planned.

Keep making deposits in the emotional bank every day. Just because you may move out of this phase doesn’t mean you get to stop being nice to one another. In fact, as the challenges of the other phases kick in, it will be even more important to do these things.

Keep a Regular Date Night Routine

Date nights are crucial to happy relationships. I’m convinced of this. They provide you with an opportunity to reconnect after a busy week of other stuff.

They also give you the chance to discuss your relationship and your shared vision for where it’s going. How do you see your relationship advancing? What kinds of things do you want to do together? How do you see this playing out in the future?

Date night also gives you time to just be a couple. If you both have outside responsibilities, like kids, it helps you reconnect as a couple without those outside distractions.

I recommend a technology-free rule for date nights unless you have a job that requires you to be on call or you have kids with a babysitter. But you don’t sit there and read emails, look to see who liked your latest Facebook post or how many new followers you have on Instagram. Save that for later. This is your time to be together.

Spend Time Apart

I mentioned this before. It’s important for you both to have time apart, as well as time together. If you stay glued to one another all the time, it will get old fast and one or both of you will feel smothered.

This time apart allows you to maintain friendships, hobbies, and other activities you were doing before you met him. It also allows you to be apart so you can miss one another, which helps you remember why you’re together in the first place.

Practice Partner-Based Gratitude

There are reasons why you love having him in your life. Share them with him. This doesn’t need to be a daily practice, but you should strive for a few times a week. You can do it in different ways. You could write him a love letter and mail it to him, or you could write it in lipstick or dry-erase marker on the bathroom mirror. I suggested earlier sticking a note in his computer bag or in his lunch.

All of these pieces of appreciation are important and help maintain the bond between you.

Become an Active Listener

Many people think communication is all about how you speak to one another, but one person can’t be heard if the other isn’t listening.

Listening is perhaps more important than speaking because then your partner feels appreciated and heard. Many problems in relationships arise when someone feels unheard. He’s been trying to tell you for weeks that he needs more time to himself, but you just keep scheduling things to do together, ignoring his request.

Listening involves sitting quietly while your partner speaks. Don’t work on what your response will be. Ask questions where they fit. Nod your head to show you’re paying attention. Keep your eyes focused on him, although not to the point of being creepy.

Only after he’s done speaking do you consider what you’ll say. Don’t try to make it something to top his story. Maybe all you say is, “Wow, Gregg! That’s amazing,” or “Gee Joe, I’m so sorry about your dog.” It shows you were paying attention and that what he said mattered.

Don’t Let Your Sex Life Fall Off

The kids are young, and you have a puppy. You just got a promotion and he’s just started his own business. You’re both so exhausted by the end of the day that you just want to drop into bed and fall asleep.

Instead, I encourage you to relight the fire. Buy some new sexy lingerie or his favorite perfume. Find some couples’ games and have some fun. I know your life is exhausting, but sex is a powerful thing in a relationship. When it slows down, it’s a red flag.

Touch alone is a very powerful tool in a loving relationship. Just lying together in bed and caressing one another is a very deep and caring activity.

Do Things Together

There are many ways to do things together. You can do something as basic as preparing a meal together, or you can do something riskier like rock climbing, bungee jumping, and so on. You can also plan a vacation together or even go grocery shopping. Some couples find a hobby to share or they’re able to combine their individual hobbies into one they can do together.

These activities are outside of your regular date nights. They can be planned or impromptu. The point is to do something together.

Communicate

The most effective way to deepen your relationship is to communicate. Ask your partner what he would like out of your relationship at this point. Does he want to experience something with you, or without you? Are there things he’s always wanted to do? Is there something he feels is missing from your relationship?

Relationship failure can often be traced back to poor communication skills for both partners. You don’t really know how to ask for what you want or need, either because you’re afraid to be vulnerable or because you’re afraid of being told no.

If you care for one another, you’ll work hard to make sure you’re both happy and your needs are being met.

stages of a relationship

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 2 – The Love Hangover

This is a difficult stage for many couples, and some divorces and breakups occur in this second of the five stages of a relationship.

The Dangers of Stage 2

You Focus on the Differences Now

During this stage, the rose-colored glasses come off. You finally see the differences between you, instead of just the things that make you great together. It can feel like it’s hitting you hard, like an ugly wake-up call.

Those same qualities that he has that you once thought were cute are now just annoying you. Maybe he’s an adventurous type, and that attracted you to him early on, but now it feels like he’s taking too many risks. Perhaps he first came off as generous, but now you feel he’s a spendthrift.

You May Engage in Power Struggles

As these differences come to light, there’s more friction in the relationship. You may experience power struggles and feel dismayed at the differences you’re now observing.

Sometimes you feel like you love him and at other times, you feel so irritated that you can’t stand to be around him.

You must be careful during this stage not to fall into that my way or the highway mindset. Relationships are about compromise. There’s give and take, and the same person can’t always be the one giving or taking.

The conflicts you’re experiencing aren’t about huge issues because you don’t yet have that deep commitment or know that much about one another, but they’re disagreements, nonetheless.

Life Becomes Too Stressful – Fight or Flee?

If this becomes too stressful for you, your fight-or-flight instincts might kick in, causing you to either engage in arguments or want to flee the relationship. You might want to fight to defend your values or your point of view, which may translate into wanting everything to be your way.

Are You in Stage 2?

One way to know for sure that you’re in this second stage is that you’re able to sleep easier. You aren’t thinking about him 24/7. You feel more comfortable doing your outside activities and hanging out with your friends now.

Another signal is that while one of you is withdrawing from the relationship, seemingly shutting down your heart and pulling away so you can get some space, the other is pursuing harder. The pursuing partner wants more attention because she feels the growing distance. This partner might feel emotionally abandoned by the other partner.

How to Survive Stage 2

Stage two is certainly survivable, or there wouldn’t be three more stages to follow. The challenge, of course, is to get the person who’s withdrawing to recognize the emotional abandonment their partner is feeling. And for the partner who’s ramped up their pursuit, to recognize that they need to pull back and give their partner some space.

Realize You Can’t Change Him – Accept Him Where He Is

It’s also important to recognize that you can’t change him. Just because he isn’t the person you thought he was doesn’t mean you aren’t compatible. If you love someone, you learn to love them where they are, not where you want them to be.

James and Kira have been together for a couple of years now, but James just retired from military service and is battling some post-concussion issues. The doctors are saying he may have what they’re now calling a traumatic brain injury. James isn’t the guy he was when he left, and while they communicated during his time away, they were able to avoid many of the pitfalls of Stage 2.

Now that they’re together, Kira is frustrated, partly because she doesn’t understand the changes in James, and partly because their differences seem to be coming to light now that he’s back. But Kira realizes that she loves James and is willing to do what it takes to understand what he’s going through, even though it’s difficult at times.

Learn How to Fight Fair

An unfair fight is one where you yell and carry on without listening or giving the other person a chance to say their peace.

When you see a discussion escalating into an argument, it’s time to step back from it. You can say something like, “I think we both need to take a few minutes to calm down so we can talk about this rationally.

When you’re emotional, like when you’re angry, it’s very difficult to think logically or rationally. Your mind just can’t do it, so any argument comes from an emotional place, not a rational one. By giving you both time to calm down, you’re allowing for your rational or logical mind to come back into the picture.

You’re also more likely to be ready to listen now that you’ve calmed down.

During this calming down time, take some deep breaths to send a signal to your system that the danger is over. Alleviate that fight or flight response that kicked in. You may also consider taking a walk or going to the gym to work out. This also releases those fight-or-flight chemicals and allows you to burn off the angry energy.

When you come back together, stick to the ONE topic you were arguing about. Don’t bring up something that happened between you six weeks ago. Also, avoid hurling insults and using foul language. Be calm and come prepared to listen as much as, if not more than you speak.

Remember, this is Normal

What you’re going through is normal. It’s a stage of your relationship. It isn’t permanent. Nor is it a sign that there’s nothing between you. Your relationship isn’t ending just because you’re in the middle of a disagreement.

Throughout your entire relationship, you will disagree. It’s how you manage those disagreements that make the difference between whether your relationship will survive.

Learn the Difference Between Healthy Disagreements and Control Issues

You can work through any healthy disagreement, but if you find yourself in a constant battle for control, that might not be a relationship worth saving.

What to do if your boyfriend is controlling            

Is my relationship over?

Surviving Stage 2 is all about acceptance and tolerance of the issues that now rise up between you. Neither of you is perfect, nor is one of you always right and the other wrong. If you can learn to compromise, you’ll be more likely to succeed!

How Long Does Stage 2 Last?

Stage two can last anywhere from a few months to years, depending on the couple. How long it lasts for you depends on a few factors:

  • Your willingness to embrace change
  • Your own childhood history and any attachment issues
  • The quality of the advice you receive
  • How willing you are to compromise and forgive

This is a stage where selfishness will be your demise.

There are, of course, only two possible outcomes from going through Stage 2. Either you break up or you power through.

Couples who break up are often serial daters who are always looking for love but finding disappointment. They’re more likely individuals who lack confidence and/or are battling some attachment issues from their childhood.

Couples who power through are usually more confident individuals who are able to forgive and survive the pain and frustration this stage can bring. These are individuals who believe that being in a relationship means making sacrifices and compromises for your partner or the relationship.

How do You Know When Stage 2 is Over?

You’re ending Stage 2 when:

  • You can communicate effectively about difficult topics
  • You’re able to quickly repair the damaging effects of your disagreements
  • You can heal old wounds and restore any broken trust
  • You’re able to share the power, instead of struggling for it
  • You can accept one another for who you are, instead of trying to change one another

This stage can feel like it’s just not worth it, that it’s too much work to survive it, but sometimes the harder the struggle, the stronger you are if you make it to the other side!

Unlike stage one, this isn’t a stage you want to revisit. If you find yourself arguing over small differences, it’s a kick in the behind to remember to compromise and listen.

If you find yourselves returning to this stage over and over, or if you seem to get stuck here, it means you lack the skills to navigate your power struggle and resolve your differences. You need to develop these skills in order to move on successfully past this stage.

stages of a relationship

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 3  – The Adjustment Stage

If stage two didn’t kill your relationship, stage three might. Sometimes, this stage is defined by what some call the seven-year itch. This is another stage of challenging moments, which arise as your commitment deepens and you continue to learn about one another.

The differences at this stage may have more to do with external factors like family differences, cultural discrepancies, religious beliefs, values, or morals. Those things are all starting to make a difference in how your relationship functions from one day to the next, so they’re rising to the surface.

At this stage, you’re at a point of deciding whether these deeper differences are surmountable. Since many of these differences often dictate how you live your life, they can be a big deal. Up until now, you may not be living together or spending a lot of time together, at least not enough for these issues to surface, but you’re getting closer and they matter now.

Sometimes, during this phase, you drift apart. Just like in stage two, however, this doesn’t mean the relationship is over. It simply means you need to communicate. What’s driving you apart? Can you resolve the differences or are they too important or too big to overcome?

If you’ve learned how to resolve your differences well in stage two, you may find this to be a time of peace. You know how to work through issues and you’re carrying those skills forward to manage the new potential conflicts.

During this stage, you realize that you can’t change one another, so you either accept each other for who you are or you split up. You develop mutual respect for one another that overrides the differences and helps you set and maintain your boundaries.

The Dangers of Stage 3

Boredom

You can lull yourself into boredom during this stage if you aren’t careful. Finding that peace is nice, but if you settle into too much peace, it’s no longer fun and challenging.

Grow together and push one another to stretch your comfort zones. These types of activities help you build intimacy and make your relationship stronger.

While many people mistake sex for intimacy, intimacy is actually about spending bonding moments together, building memories, and growing deeper in your affection for one another. When things get tough, it may be those memories that draw you back to one another.

Unhealthy Relationship Habits

If you’re experiencing a lot of conflict during this stage, you can develop unhealthy relationship habits, like giving one another the silent treatment after an argument or completely ignoring your problems altogether.

Exhaustion and frustration at the constant bickering can weigh on you, making you not even want to try. If you get to this point, you need to have a conversation about whether this relationship has what it takes. You’ve gone through a lot already and you’ve spent a good amount of time together, probably a couple of years at this point, so be careful about giving up too easily.

Becoming “I” Instead of “We”

It’s easy to feel alone when there’s a growing distance between you. In this stage, you might feel as if you’re alone again, except with someone still sort of there in the periphery. The solution, again, is communication. At this point, it’s the solution to everything.

If you haven’t yet developed healthy communication skills, it’s time to do so. Instead of both of you hanging out with mutual friends, you may find yourself spending more time with your friends and less time with him.

Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you need those communication skills for the next time. In that instance, evaluate what went wrong and how you can do your part better the next time.

How to Survive Stage 3

Again, stage three is survivable or there wouldn’t be four and five. There are things you can do to help yourselves make it through.

Stop Avoiding Your Problems

Problems don’t go away just because you ignore them. Especially when they’re problems between two people. They just get bigger and bigger until they’re too big to ignore, and often by then, they can be insurmountable.

When a problem comes up, wait until a time when you’re getting along and then bring it up. Don’t choose another fight to solve this problem. If you sit down when you’re both already calm, it opens you up to logical and rational thought processes instead of emotionally charged yelling matches where nothing is solved.

If something is too challenging but you want to work it out, consider couples counseling. An unbiased mediator can often see things you’re missing and is trained to look for cues in the things you say and your actions.

Remember to Show Affection Toward One Another

When things are rough, it’s easy to forget to show your partner that you still love them, but it’s also more important than ever.

You can have an argument that leaves one or both of you wondering how the other feels. Without any affection, that unknown can really weigh on you and cause more harm.

Some people go by a never go to bed angry rule, and it’s a good one to use. That way you can still come together at night and comfort one another, have sex, or just cuddle. Even spending time watching a movie together can be intimate.

Be sure to Notice the Positives

In stage one, it’s all about the positives of the relationship and failing to see the negatives. Stages two and three can focus more on the negatives, so be sure to remember the positives.

Be appreciative of the things he does for you. This is how he shows his love for you. Also, try to do things for him. Even small gestures like baking his favorite cookies or cooking his favorite meal can go a long way to showing appreciation.

When you feel like all of your focus is on negativity, make a mental shift and work through some positivity instead.

How Long Does Stage 3 Last?

There’s no predicting how long this stage will last. If you developed good communication and problem-solving skills during stage two, it might not be a contentious stage at all. You may find that peace I mentioned earlier, but remember that peace comes at a price too if you aren’t careful.

stages of a relationship

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 4 – The Commitment Stage

The commitment stage isn’t about marriage per se. In fact, you could already be married by this point. The commitment is more about knowing that you’ve overcome your differences and learned how to communicate well enough to solve problems and avoid massive arguments.

Commitment is about making a choice every day to be with your partner. You feel like you don’t need one another, but you want one another, for better or worse, as they say.

Now, you experience a balance of love, power, fun, belonging, and freedom.

You’ve decided that the bad is outweighed by the good. While you have differences, you’ve learned how to live with them or you’ve made conscious choices to change yourselves to accommodate your partner.

The Dangers of Stage 4

Sex and Intimacy Fade Away

If you continue to nurture and place importance on your sexual relationship, this won’t happen. Keep things exciting in the bedroom. Share a fantasy or yours or his and act it out. Explore sex toys and games to keep things exciting.

Passion doesn’t just happen after stage one. It takes effort to keep that attraction alive.

Bring back sexual tension in your relationship

Staying Together for the Wrong Reasons

Be objective about why you’re still together. It’s very easy to stay together because of the kids or because it’s easier than starting over.

Don’t allow guilt over splitting up outweigh the common sense of ending something that just isn’t working. It’s easy to settle into a routine of complacency, but that’s not engaging, fun, or fair to either of you.

Believing That Your Work is Done

Now that the relationship has settled in, it’s easy to think you can coast now.

Wrong!

A good relationship is one that you’re always working on. You’re always doing things together to build intimacy. You’re challenging one another, maintaining an air of mystery, and you’re doing things together.

At the same time, you’re giving one another space and pursuing a few interests of your own outside of the relationship.

Just don’t think you’ve reached a point when your relationship doesn’t require any more effort. You never reach that point!

Forgetting to Maintain Your Emotional Connection

An emotional connection isn’t sex. Emotional connection is, in part, about trusting one another. By now you should have a high level of trust in one another.

It’s when you both feel this trust that you feel safe sharing more baggage and vulnerabilities if you haven’t done so yet.

If your partner shares something like that with you, be careful with it. Think of it like an egg. You should hold it carefully and give it great consideration. He’s given you something and he temporarily feels as breakable as that eggshell. Don’t belittle him or laugh at what he shares.

If he shares something like that with you, it’s a good idea to reciprocate. Show that you trust him with your deep dark secrets too.

Affairs

This is the stage where affairs can happen. They’re more likely to occur if you haven’t navigated stages two and three very well. Your intimacy and trust have already fallen off and you don’t feel connected. You may be staying together out of convenience or for the kids.

One of you has pulled away and the other is now seeking either sex or the emotional connection you just read about. Women will seek an emotional connection. Men will seek sex.

You can avoid this, again, by being good communicators and by recognizing that a good relationship takes work. Understand the natural rhythms your relationship goes through.

It ebbs and flows, just like anything else. When it ebbs, that’s when you need to be a little more vigilant, paying attention, showing appreciation, and communicating so both of your needs are met.

stages of a relationship

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 5 – Best Friends

By now, you’ve gone to hell and back and you’re still together. At this stage, you’re happy together and recognize the struggle you’ve gone through to get here.

You’re closer than ever, probably considering one another to be best friends. The closeness you share now feels irreplaceable and your relationship feels like it’s on solid ground.

Characteristics of Stage 5

You Take on a Big Project Together

You may decide to start a business together or to build your dream home. You might share a hobby or be passionate about a cause you give your time and money to.

You’re a cohesive unit now and you show that by working together on things. The world now sees you as one, instead of two.

Your Communication Skills are Excellent

You’ve learned how to communicate, and this is part of why your relationship is where it is today. Both of you understand that talking things through before they get out of hand is a much better plan than letting things sit.

You may even be one of those couples now who doesn’t always need to communicate. You go into a coffee shop and you just know what he likes. You decide to stop on the way home to pick up dinner and you don’t have to ask him what he wants because you already know.

You Rely on One Another

Because you’re best friends, you can share the ups and downs of daily life. You get the promotion or you don’t; regardless, the first person you want to tell is your partner. If you don’t get it, he’s there to comfort you. If you do, he’s there waiting to celebrate.

You’ve built an unshakable friendship, trust, commitment, and joy in being together.

The Dangers of Stage 5

Of course, there are pitfalls to any stage, but not as many as there were.

You Shift into Autopilot

The worst thing you can do to a relationship is put it on autopilot. Each day looks exactly like the last. You’re cycling through the same twelve meals, getting up and going to bed at the same time. Even sex has become routine.

This is not the way to keep your relationship healthy. Routine is easier on your brain for sure, but you want to challenge your brain. Change things up. Try new meals. Watch some sex videos or get some sex fantasy books to read together.

Don’t allow each day to be just like the last. Do something to keep things lively and fun.

You Live Parallel Lives

Instead of being a unit, you drift into being two people who live under the same roof. You’re driving kids to gymnastics and dance class while he’s coaching soccer and baseball. You go to work all day, come home, and throw something in the microwave. He eats on the road between work and practice.

You might come together in the evening and fall into bed beside one another, but the distance isn’t inches, it’s a canyon.

When conflict arises, instead of using those communication skills, you avoid one another. You’re both busy anyway and you use that business as an excuse to stay away from one another.

You can become depressed if this happens, and it’s a prime landscape for an affair or two.

You Invest Too Much in Outside Lives

Balance is key in your relationship. It’s great to have those outside activities, as long as you aren’t using them to live those parallel lives. You can get so invested in outside activities that you never spend time together, one-on-one.

To avoid this, maintain your weekly date night schedule. Be sure to put some sort of rules in place for how much time you’ll each commit to outside activities. You can also do some of them together, which increases your time together.

The goal is to continue to nurture the great relationship you’ve spent years building.

Stages of a Relationship: Final Thoughts

As I said in the beginning, these aren’t linear stages, meaning once you get to stage five, you can cycle back to one of the other stages. Ideally, you’ll cycle between five and one, because those are the two stages when you’re the most excited and energized by each other.

Your ultimate success relies really on one or two things:

  • Your communication skills
  • Your desire to work through things together

If you can look past his flaws and he can look past yours, you can build something great together.

A good relationship requires work from day one until the day one of you passes on. As long as you keep putting in the work, you’ll have a very satisfying relationship.

How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

Build a Great Relationship, Build Confidence

Sometimes, you must face the inevitable point when it’s time to end the relationship you’d hoped would be your last.

You went into this relationship thinking he was the one, but then the attraction faded, and lust didn’t turn into love as you’d hoped. After two to three years, you see him for who he really is and it’s not a perfect match after all.

Sometimes, it’s not a lack of attraction or chemistry, but a misalignment of goals, cheating, or simply falling out of love. Regardless of the reason, there’s a right and wrong way to end the relationship and move on in a healthy way.

You owe it to one another, and to yourselves to end the relationship the right way. Before we go there, however, allow me to share a few reasons why a relationship should end.

What You’ll Find Here

Why You Should End the Relationship

How to End the Relationship

Ending the Relationship with Style and Grace

end the relationship

Why You Should End the Relationship

You Have No Emotional Connection

When you have an emotional connection with your partner, you feel safe sharing your vulnerability with him. You can easily discuss anything, or mostly anything with him because he’s your emotional rock. He will be there to pick up the pieces. He’ll hold you up when you feel like falling down. You both provide strength for each other.

But if the spark disappears, this connection often goes with it.

The two of you engaged in friendly banter and enjoyed one another’s company, but now, even that feels strained. This is that emotional connection sizzling away. You no longer engage in meaningful conversation about anything. Being alone together just feels hard and is full of empty silence, fidgeting, and finally empty conversation to fill the void.

End the Relationship When You Don’t Feel Sexually Attracted

Sexual attraction can vary in a relationship, depending on what else is going on in your life. It’s natural, but if you find it difficult to come out of a low attraction phase, it might be a sign that things aren’t working anymore, but it’s not definitive.

Think back to when the two of you first had sex. How does that memory make you feel today? If these memories make you smile and have fond memories, all may not be lost. You’re probably still sexually attracted to him but there’s something else going on.

Then again, if you’re just not attracted to him anymore, it’s probably time to end the relationship and move on. When there’s no sexual interest between you, it’s a sign that the relationship is unhealthy and headed toward demise.

Someone Else Holds Your Interest

While you’re with him now, your heart flutters over someone else, or at least the idea of someone else. Maybe it’s a guy you’ve seen and briefly chatted with at the gym, a coworker, or a friend of a friend. Regardless of who it is, it’s not your current partner.

It’s okay to fantasize about other men, as long as it doesn’t steal your attention and affection for your partner. Fantasies become problematic when they invade that relationship space. When you’re in bed with your guy, he should be the one you’re thinking of, so if he isn’t, you know it’s time.

end the relationship

End the Relationship When You’re Being Asked to Change Who You Are

When someone loves you, they love you for who you are right now. He accepts your flaws, and probably even loves you for them. He doesn’t even see the nose you wish you’d had redone years ago. No. I take that back, he sees it and can’t imagine why you’d want to change it.

But when someone berates you into getting into better shape or finding a better job, it’s time to consider whether this is right for you.

Asking someone to use less salt when they cook or to avoid eating the peanuts that will surely send you to the ER is okay. That isn’t changing who you are fundamentally.

But when someone tells you that you’re not good enough for them the way you are, that’s on them. If you want to lose twenty pounds, go for it, but do it because you want to do it to improve your health or burn off stress.

He’s Supportive When Things are Good

Tanya and Brent had been together for several years. They’d recently purchased a house together and seemed to be a great couple. Then, Tanya got a new boss at work and he was a tyrant. On top of his poor managerial skills, he was new to the company and many of the things he railed at Tanya about weren’t correct.

Tanya came home from work stressed to the max. She wanted a hot bath, a margarita, and some candles so she could decompress. She expected that Brent would be her rock.

Instead, Brent sought out someone new. Not two days before, they appeared to everyone to be a happy, loving couple. If they arrived somewhere separately, he followed her home, pumped gas for her, and was there for her, but as soon as the sh*t came down, he sought out a new relationship.

Your guy should be supportive of you when things are good and when they’re bad. If you hit a rough patch in your life, a loving partner wants to help in whatever way he can. If it’s bringing you a new margarita while you cry in the bathtub, so be it. He’s there with a new salted glass full of margarita.

When he’s only there to share the good times but disappears or checks out when things are at a low point, it’s time to consider ending things.

You May Need to End the Relationship When Trust is Broken

I say you may need to end the relationship because it is possible for a couple to overcome a loss of trust, often caused by an affair. The catch is that you must both agree to do some couples therapy to get there. Only a professional can guide you through rebuilding your trust as nobody else can.

Trust is essential to any healthy relationship and when it’s gone, everything else fades away with it. You feel unloved, unsupported, unheard, unnoticed, and many other things.

Trust isn’t just broken with affairs. It’s also broken when promises aren’t kept. He promised to move closer in six months, but nine months have passed, and he isn’t even trying to do what needs to be done so he can make that move.

He promised to attend your big family event but bailed again at the last minute.

Maybe he promised to take you on a big vacation or to move in with you, but delay after delay keeps it from happening.

You can only make and break so many promises before all trust is broken.

End the Relationship When He Wiggles Out of Every One of Your Family Commitments

Your guy doesn’t have to like your sister to attend her birthday party. He’s there for you, not her. He’s there to be your support system and your friend.

If your friends and family question the mere existence of your guy, you may have a problem. Hanging out with one another’s friends and family is part of being in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if his mother always compares you to his other girlfriends, tough it out and be there for him. Of course, in that instance, you have every right to ask him to talk to her, but that’s a different problem.

The point is that when you’re a couple, you suffer through friend and family events for the greater good of your relationship.

The caveat is that this is reciprocal. If you want him to come to your stuff, you need to go to his too.

You Can’t Express Your Needs without Negative Fallout

You should never feel guilty for needing something, nor should you be berated for it or told you’re crazy. Everyone has their moments when, no matter what it is, you have a need to be met.

If we go back to Tanya and Brent for a moment, Tanya needed support. She didn’t want anything from Brent other than for him to be there with another margarita when she needed it, to turn on the hot water again, or to bring in new candles when the old ones burned out. She had a need to feel heard, loved, and supported. Instead, he found someone who wasn’t going through a difficult time in her life.

When you’re there for someone, you’re there. He shouldn’t be telling you how dumb it is for you to want to be there for your mother as she goes through something difficult. He should be there to support you when you find out your childhood dog died.

But sometimes, people are so wrapped up in their own stuff that they can’t see the needs of others. If it’s temporary, fine, but if it’s an ongoing problem, it’s probably time to end the relationship.

end the relationship

End the Relationship if He’s Hiding You

A man who won’t take you to meet his friends and family after a reasonable amount of time together is a man who’s hiding something from you.

When a guy is in love, he wants to show her off to the important people in his life, like his mother, or a favorite sister or friend. He wants his buddies to meet you because he’s proud to have you in his life.

He isn’t afraid to post photos of you together on social media, or even to take them with his phone.

A man who avoids introducing you to important people may be having an affair with you as the extra in his drama. This is a no-win situation for you because even if he eventually leaves that other relationship, you’ll be faced with a natural trust issue. If he did this to someone else with you, what’s to keep him from doing the same to you?

You Aren’t You Around Him

The best thing you can do for any relationship is to be yourself right from the beginning, but most of us aren’t. In my book, The Social Tigress, there’s a chapter on branding yourself and while this may sound harsh, we all do it.

When you’re single and you go out with your girlfriends, you pay very close attention to what you wear, how your hair is styled, and what you do with your makeup. You’re marketing yourself even if you don’t realize it.

If you create an online profile on a dating site or app, you’re marketing yourself.

In these marketing efforts, we all put our best foot forward. Only the best photos of you go on the profile, right? Of course.

But once you meet someone, you need to allow the real you to shine through. Sure, he may have initially been attracted to how you look, but men aren’t so superficial that they only go for looks. That might get him to say “Hello”, but it doesn’t get to eventually saying, “Goodnight.”

The problem comes into play when you can’t be yourself, either because he tries to stifle who you are or because you’ve shown him such a different version of yourself, and stuck to it, that now you can’t be the real you for fear of losing him.

In any case, he isn’t in love with you, he’s in love with the version of you that either he wants or you’re showing him, not the real you.

End the Relationship When You Both Talk About a Hypothetical Better Time Ahead

Your relationship shouldn’t be about waiting for the good times to come. You shouldn’t be waiting for the relationship to get better when some future milestone is hit.

He’ll appreciate me more once I can cook better.

We’ll have a better connection when we live together.

He’ll be more open with his feelings when we’ve been together for another six months.

You’re waiting for him to change, but he is who he is and there isn’t a thing you can do about it. Yes, people can change, but that doesn’t mean they want or intend to.

Instead of waiting for your relationship to be ideal in the future, look at what you have now. Can you live with things the way they are? If he’s not meeting your needs now, that perceived milestone in the future might not change a thing.

Your Goals are Different

A couple who wants to be together for the long haul should have shared goals. Not every goal should be shared, but the big ones are important.

For example, if he wants to travel the world but you want to advance your career, your goals are misaligned in such a way that it won’t work unless you negotiate the timing. You may agree to travel the world with him, but at a slower pace than he had in mind. If he’s agreeable, it might work, but if he wants to take two years off before making his big career move and you don’t, it may be time to end the relationship.

Sharing goals brings more intimacy to your relationship. When you’re doing things together, you’re developing memories and drawing nearer to one another. Intimacy isn’t just about sex, it’s about those shared moments that you’ll always remember.

end the relationship

How to End the Relationship

Now that you know some reasons for ending the relationship, let’s examine how you can end the relationship with style and respect.

Prepare Ahead of Time

Plan what you’ll say before you meet up with your guy. Don’t just decide to wing it. I know it’s a nervous time, but you’ll be less nervous if you practice a bit. Get a friend to help or practice in front of a mirror. Get your speech down and be prepared for his reaction.

Understand at the same time, however, that you cannot control his reaction. Trying to word things in a way that won’t upset him is futile. All you can do is remember to be kind, not to dump all the blame on him, and to be respectful of his need to speak.

End The Relationship Face-to-Face

Of course, it’s more comfortable to send a text or email telling him it’s over, but this is the chicken sh*t way out. Please don’t do this to anyone. He has time and emotions tied to the relationship too, and he deserves for the end to be a one-on-one conversation.

The exception to this rule is if there is physical abuse involved. In that instant, you’re running, not conversing. Otherwise, have enough respect for what the two of you shared to end it in person.

Choose the Right Place

Don’t end your relationship at your place or his but choose somewhere comfortable for both of you. It might be someplace public but somewhat secluded, like a park or a cozy coffee shop.

If you’re worried about him blowing his stack, in public is definitely a good idea, but if you think he’ll be calm about it, give him the courtesy of privacy when you end it.

End the Relationship and Be Respectful

One person is never the only responsible party in a breakup. You both have your roles. So, be respectful of him, and don’t dump this all on him. Own your part too and make sure not to make it a bashing session.

Respect also means being honest. Again, this doesn’t mean reciting every single thing he did to upset you but don’t lie either. Be general.

“Gee Brad, I think we just grew apart.” Or “You know, Jim, I think we just want different things now.”

This way, you’re ending it, but you’re not dumping on him, which would be unfair.

Make it a Clean Break

When you see he’s upset, you might try to mitigate that with some soothers like, “But we can still be friends” or “Let’s just see if time apart helps.”

If you don’t see a future for the two of you, this is unfair. I know you’re trying to make him feel better, but he’s still going to get hurt. It’ll just take longer.

It’s okay to be friends after a breakup but give him time to process the breakup first. Let him find his own way out of the situation and then reach back out, maybe in a few months.

End the Relationship but Avoid Arguing

Since you know this is coming and he probably doesn’t, he may be defensive at first and this can often lead to an argument. He may be angry and want to argue with you out of spite, or he’ll be blindsided and want to argue that you shouldn’t break up.

Either way, once your conversation devolves into an argument, it’s time to go. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by arguing with him.

You don’t need to be mean about it, but simply tell him you think it’s time for you to go, “Jim, I’d like to leave us on a happy note, so I’m going to leave before we start saying things we’ll regret.”

He may try to continue the argument by phone, text, or email. In that case, block him for a while, at least until his anger subsides. It’s very difficult to have an argument if you’re the only one arguing.

He’ll soon settle down and it’ll end.

Don’t Let Him Talk You Out of It

If he didn’t see it coming and is still in love with you, he may try to talk you into staying. If you have good reasons for leaving, don’t allow this to happen.

You’ll come to the same ending eventually and the hurt will be that much deeper.

It’s a normal reaction for the other person to beg you to stay. He’ll make promises like:

  • I’ll be better about pitching in around the house
  • If I try, I know I can stop belittling you around your friends and family
  • I know I can be a little cranky, but I’ll work on it, I promise

If he wants to make those changes, great, but let him work on those things by himself. If you did have something before and you aren’t interested in anyone else, he may indeed come to you in a few months a new and better man.

But those types of changes are best done when you’re single.

End the Relationship but Be Empathetic

While breaking up might be a relief to you, he may be deeply saddened. Try not to glory in your happiness while he’s down. If you’re happy, fine, but be empathetic to what he’s feeling at that moment.

It’s never nice to dismiss or ignore someone’s feelings, even if you don’t want to date him anymore. You can soften the blow by reminding him of something good like, “Before I met you, I didn’t even know how to boil pasta. You taught me so much and I’m grateful.”

Final Words on How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

Even though you’re the one ending it, your body will have a physiological and emotional response. Your mind is addicted to being in love, so it’ll play tricks on you to try to get you back out there faster than you should be.

Give yourself time to grieve the relationship and time to heal. Relationships change who you are. You learn new things, but you may give up some things too, like a hobby you enjoyed or participating in a sport you enjoy.

Sometimes, you even give up friendships in lieu of more time with your boyfriend. It’s time to revive all of those things and rejoin life. Doing so will help you find who you are again, and it will also help you through the grieving process.

I have a book that explains the nine stages of grieving a relationship, whether you initiated the breakup or not. It also helps you prepare yourself for a new relationship. It’s linked just below!

When you end the relationship in a classy way, you have no regrets and you leave your ex-partner with a better chance of moving forward in a healthy way too.

If you're ready to move on from this relationship, you're ready for He's Gone, Now What? This book walks you through the many aspects of dealing with a breakup, even if you're the one who initiated the breakup. Regardless of who started it, as they say, your body becomes addicted to the chemicals associated with being in love. The withdrawal process is as daunting as the withdrawal from cocaine.

You'll also learn about the stages of grieving a relationship and how to begin moving forward. You'll walk through the steps of preparing yourself for dating again and gain an understanding of how you can do so in a healthy, happy relationship.

You can learn more about the book here or you can purchase it by clicking one of the buttons below.

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Good Night Messages for Him That will Keep You on His Mind!

Good Night Messages for Him That will Keep You on His Mind!

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After

Heartfelt Good Night Messages for Him

You enjoy telling him goodnight, but do you understand the power behind good night messages for him?

Your message could be the most powerful memory of the day for him, so why not make him feel good about himself and tell him how you feel. Guys are more sensitive than women think, and they respond to words of appreciation. Shoot him a good night message every now and then, but don’t overdo it.

Whether you just met, or you have been in love for twenty years, a good night message for him takes away stress and leaves him dreaming about you. Send it to him from the other side of the world or from the next room, but send it. He will love you for it.

Good Night Messages for Him

  • Today reminded me why I keep you around. Good night sweetie.
  • Tonight may have changed everything. Sleep tight my love.
  • What you accomplished today was amazing – you deserve to sleep well tonight.
  • I look forward to seeing your smile in the morning. Good night sweet darling.
  • I am blessed to have you in my life. Goodnight sweet baby.
  • Have you figured it out yet? I have. Sleep tight my prince.
  • May all your dreams come true tonight. I know mine have. Sleep well.
  • Rest my love. You deserve it.
  • I love you. And I will love you forever. Happy dreams!
  • Lights out my love. Can’t wait to take on the world with you tomorrow!
  • You had me when you smiled in my direction. Sweet thoughts my love.
  • Do you know who I want to spend my life with? Yes you! Good night darling 🙂
  • You still make my knees weak and my heart skip a beat. Good night my love.
  • Saturday can’t come quick enough. Sweet dreams.
  • Yeah, you’re kinda cute – but it’s your confidence that makes my heart flutter. See you in the morning!
  • I had a bad day today. Then, I saw you. Amazing! Good night baby.
  • A funny thing happened on a date tonight – I fell in love. Night. Night.
  • Dream about me tonight.
  • If you can dream it I can do it – as long as I am with you.
  • Two hearts became one this evening. Sleep well my love.
  • Lights out until we meet again tomorrow.
  • Guess what? I’ve decided to keep you. Good night my love.
  • Everyday my friends say how lucky I am to be with you. They are right. Sweet dreams Punky. (insert nickname)
  • Who is better than you? No one. Good night my knight.
  • If you only you knew the impact you have had on my life. I’ll show you firsthand in the morning.
  • At the end of a grinding day I am so blessed to come home to you. I will never take that for granted. Sweet dreams Mr. Jeff.
  • My lover and my best friend…forever. Sweet dreams.
  • You get better looking every day. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow! See you in the mornin’ my love.
  • I will miss you for these next eight hours 🙂 Good night honey.
  • I think my dog loves you too! Sleep tight dear.
  • Sometimes I snuggle on your chest when you are asleep. Your beating heart puts me to sleep.
  • Did you know we hold hands when you are asleep :)?
  • You are an amazing father and husband. I am blessed that the stars aligned and placed us together. Goodnight my superhero.
  • Millions of men are sleeping right now – but only the one reading this message matter to me. Good night.

These Good Night Messages for Him are Simple and Delightful – Try a Few!

I hope this list gives you some ideas that will let him know how you feel. Remember, we overlook the simple things because we’re so busy with our bustling lives. Slow things down at the end of the day and send him a good night message by voice or text.

If you do, he will love you for it!

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Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you’ll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They’re added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

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Me. You. Forever! Your Personal Couples Journal

Me. You. Forever! Your Personal Couples Journal

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After

Surprising Things You Need to Know About Using a Couple’s Journal

A couples journal is one of the best tools you can use to strengthen your relationship. But it doesn’t happen without both of you putting in the time and effort. There are many benefits to journaling and as a couple, you can multiply those benefits by doing some of the activities together.

Since this is a long article, so I’ve provided an easy way for you to navigate the information. Just use the links below to read the different sections of this post!

Benefits of Journaling

Journaling and Men

Things to Include in Your Journal

Building a Solid Relationship Foundation with a Couple’s Journal

10 Ways to Use Your Couple’s Journal to Grow Your Relationship

Final Thoughts on Building a Solid Foundation

The Power of the Memories

Benefits of Journaling

Journaling Improves Intelligence

One way in which clinicians measure overall intelligence is by the size of your vocabulary.

The University of Victoria conducted a study during which the IQ and writing ability of subjects was tested. Each subject was tested before and after performing writing exercises. Following the exercises, the research showed a strong relationship between performing writing exercises and increased intelligence.

It further indicated that people who write have a higher IQ. In other words, writers are smart people. This extends to those who write in journals, not just professionals!

The logic behind these results rests in the use of language. Writing encourages you to explore your language further and enables you to use words you might not use in everyday exchanges.

If you are using a couples journal, you can challenge one another by sneaking in new words or phrases. You can have a word of the day, as well as other fun language-based activities.

Letting Go of Negativity

Writing in a couples journal provides a space to let your pent-up negative emotions flow. I’ve heard of parents and children sharing a private journal where the child can write anything in the journal. The child knows the parent will read it, but the parent can’t apply negative consequences to what is written.

If a child confesses something, it can be up for discussion in a healthy way. The parents agree not to use the information to deliver negative consequences.

Children are often more likely to share truth with their parents in this way. This opens the door for constructive discussions while building a trusting relationship.

In a couples journal, you can work things in much the same way. What is written between the two of you stays between the two of you. Additionally, the door is opened for discussion without negative consequences.

If your partner shares that he’s really put off by something, you can examine your behavior and talk about it. Sometimes initiating these conversations in person can be difficult so this makes it easier.

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Dealing with Anxiety Inside your Love Journal

Anxiety, is thinking into the future and imagining a negative outcome. Writing in a journal helps because you can review thought patterns to see how they flow. Watch the anxious thoughts unfold and see patterns emerge when you aren’t feeling anxious.

Journaling also has a calming effect on your mind. You can let go of the negative thoughts that are banging around in your head. As you journal, you will uncover not only the thought patterns you have during your anxious moments, but also the triggers.

This is one area of using a couples journal where you must be careful and sensitive to one another. When someone is sharing their negative thought patterns, don’t reinforce them or be judgmental.

If your partner shares in the journal that he’s anxious about an upcoming job interview, don’t feed his anxiety. Also, don’t say something seemingly harmless like, “Dan, I don’t know why you worry so much about this stuff.”

While a statement like that sounds like you’re lifting him up, you’re really telling him he’s silly to worry.

Instead, remind him of his attributes and accomplishments, “Dan, getting that PMI certification last month was a great accomplishment. Your people skills are great. I’m sure the interviewer will see that too!”

Strengthen Your Immune System by Using a Love Journal Together

Can you believe that journaling can actually make you healthier?

When you experience less anxiety, you are healthier. When you aren’t feeling depressed, you’re healthier. If you let go of negativity, you’re happier and therefore healthier.

A couple’s journal is an excellent way to bond with your significant other. Me. You. Together Forever is not just a couple’s journal but a planner too. Using this journal will help you keep your schedules synced, answer difficult questions and maintain a healthy, happy relationship.

You can learn more about Me. You. Together Forever here or you can purchase it by clicking below.

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Using a Couples Journal Provides Improved Emotional Health

When you journal, you’re more in tune with your inner thoughts and desires. You’re mindful of your surroundings and thoughts and can remain present in this moment. This keeps your anxiety from kicking in.

Writing in a journal keeps your emotions regulated and improves self-confidence and identity. It also triggers and grows the creative side of your brain. In every possible way, journaling promotes personal growth and awareness.

You Develop a Practice of Mindfulness

Being mindful means being present in the moment. You aren’t ruminating on the past or anxious about the future. You’re able to write about your hopes and fears in a way that allows your mind to work through it.

While writing, you actively engage in your thought process and here’s the kicker: when you’re mindful, you’re happier.

BONUS!

As a couple, become more mindful of your own thoughts and those of your partner. When we’re stressed, it’s easy to be absorbed in our own thoughts. But, if you and your partner are doing this together, you can be more present in their world as well.

Using a Couple’s Journal Helps You Improve Self-Discipline

Setting aside time every day to write in your journal begins a practice of self-discipline. Like anything else, the more you do it, the better you’ll be. As you form this habit, you’ll form others.

For example, a journaling habit brings mindfulness to those moments. It also helps you develop more of an overall mindfulness mindset.

If you develop a habit of doing the dishes after each meal instead of allowing them to pile up, you’ll soon keep other areas of the kitchen cleaner. This leads to keeping the adjoining rooms cleaner, and so on.

Good habits and self-discipline build and expand, which is always a great thing in your life!

As a couple, encourage one another when one isn’t feeling it. Sometimes, you come home from work or school exhausted. Doing even one more thing seems like too much.

Your partner says something like, “Gee Honey, I know how you feel. I was wiped out too, but writing in our journal when I got home actually helped me feel refreshed and energized.”

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Using a Couples Journal and Men

Women are more inclined to journal than men, but I think men will do it if there are clear benefits. How can you keep him engaged in the process?

I read reviews of many of the top love journals and one comment was concerning to me. I want to address it and help you understand how men will stay engaged in the process.

A Couples Journal Should Be Fun

Yes, this journal will have its serious entries, but life isn’t always about being serious. Many negative comments I read about a couples journal included comments about silly activities. The woman writing the review was annoyed by the silliness.

Let yourself have fun once in a while. Great moments in a relationship aren’t always built when you’re being serious with one another. Highly memorable moments are often built in the silliest of situations.

“Remember the time I thought I could go sprinting across that stream and I landed flat on my butt in the ice-cold water? That was a great hike!”

A man will enjoy this process more if it isn’t always so serious, and quite frankly, so will you.

There are times to be serious in your life and in your journaling. There are also times to cut loose and have fun. Challenge one another to do silly things like, ”Hey Jack, I bet I can eat more donuts than you for breakfast this morning! I’m heading to Krispy Kreme now for a dozen! Be hungry!”

This is great! It’s something you can both write about later, probably in different ways. You might write about how much fun it was to watch Jack try to beat your donut count. Men are competitive, and we want to win! Even against you!

He may write about how much he enjoyed the mystery of wondering what you’ll pull next! You were mysterious to him. This is always a good thing! Of course, he’ll also like the challenge itself, so it’s a double win!

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It Should be a Safe Space

Earlier, I said your journal is a safe space where you can share anything without fear of negative consequences.

Before you begin, agree that your journaling space is a judgment-free zone. Your partner can share his thoughts, dreams, hopes, fears and desires knowing he won’t be negatively judged.

You have that same freedom. If something comes up that you want to ask about, you do so without negativity and judgment.

“Joe, I saw you wrote about being afraid you’re going to lose your job in the company downsizing. I just want you to know I’m here for you if you want to talk more about it.”

Or,

“Steve, I saw that entry you wrote about your sex fantasy yesterday and I wanted to know if you’d like to try it sometime. I’m up for it if you are!”

The idea of a couples journal is to share memories and be supportive of one another. If you treat your partner’s entries with respect, he will be more and more open with his entries and responses.

You Might Not Always Like What the Other Writes

Another criticism I’ve read about couples journals is that the questions inside pre-printed journals can cause a fight.

While I would never encourage a couple to argue, I’m also realistic. From time to time, a couple is going to have a disagreement. This is a normal part of a relationship. Disagreeing with one another doesn’t mean you stop caring for or loving one another. It means that, on this topic, you don’t agree. Period.

I recently read somewhere that couples experience more arguments earlier in their marriage. I suspect this has something to do with not having a rhythm between you. You don’t really one another well. There’s also a slight degree of immaturity found in a need to be right versus a need to settle the disagreement.

Of course, we’ve declared the journal to be a judgment-free and positive space, but still, things happen. You’re tired, emotionally wrung out, overwrought or overly anxious about something and allow your emotions to run away with you. It’s okay, it happens.

If your partner shares something in the journal that is upsetting to you, you have a choice on how to react. You can react emotionally and fly off the handle, or you can react proactively and think carefully about your response before delivering it.

May I encourage you to be proactive?

Either way, you are in control of your reaction. That’s a topic for an entirely different article, but understand that whether you get angry or not is your choice. Just like it’s his choice if he gets angry.

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Set a Cadence You Can Both Manage

Let’s face it. Life is crazy hectic, especially if you have children. While you might want to write in your couple’s journal every day, it might not be realistic. Even if you have the time, your guy might not.

As you begin the love journal journey, decide how frequently you would both like to write. It’s okay if you don’t write the same amount or on the same days. The idea is to build your life together and have memories of your life together.

You may agree to write weekly, every other day or every day. You may find out that you can do more frequently, or you need to do less frequently.

There are no rules except the ones you both agree to. Don’t force him to write every day if you both know, realistically, that he’s not going to do it.

You may both get into it and realize that you both enjoy the writing and want to step it up. Whatever you do is fine. The point is to make this stress-free, enjoyable, positive and memorable.

Using a Couples Journal Isn’t Always About the BIG Memories

I knew a guy once who bought his girlfriend a loaf of bread. This happened twenty years ago. Still, of all the things she remembers about their time together, she remembers that loaf of bread.

Why?

Because he took the time to notice, on another occasion, that she loved this particular type of bread, and he made an effort to get it for her.

Your journal entries aren’t always going to be some big drawn-out affair. They may be about the smallest things or they could be about huge events in your lives. The birth of a child, your wedding, anniversaries, death of a loved one or buying a new pet all qualify, as does the bread.

Each has its own significance in your life, but much of what you write will probably seem insignificant at the time. Five years from now, however, it might be a truly fond memory you enjoy recalling.

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Things to Include in Your Couples Journal

Before we get too far into this topic, I want to tiptoe through Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. Are you familiar with them? If not, you can dig deeper into them here.

The first time I read about the Five Love Languages, I thought these are great, but I can make them better! Men and women think differently, love differently and have different needs in a relationship.

The Five Love Languages summarize the ways in which people prefer to be loved. I want to summarize for you how to best use these love languages with your guy.

One word of caution before I continue. Often, when I share these tips with women, they go overboard and do them all the time.

You don’t need to use any of these on a daily basis. That’s overkill, and takes away the true meaning of doing it. You want to use these when the occasion arises, otherwise, it won’t feel special.

Words of Affirmation

If this is his love language is words of affirmation, he appreciates a pat on the back from time to time and an ‘atta’ boy type of thing.

The trick to this is timing. I own a construction business. If someone tells me the tile job I just completed for them is awesome, I’m glad to hear it, but it doesn’t get my juices flowing.

Now, if I get a review on one of my books, telling me how much the words helped a woman who was feeling really down and out, I am walking on air!

What’s the difference?

I’ve been in construction for my entire adult life, which is more years than I’d like to admit. I have heard compliments for most of those years. While I appreciate the compliments, they don’t make me feel any better than before I heard them.

But, when I make a positive impact in the life of someone by helping them feel better, I truly feel as if I’d contributed and I feel great!

When you deliver words of affirmation to your guy, make them relate to something he’s passionate about. If he likes rebuilding Mustangs, compliment him on the paint job or how nice the engine sounds when he revs it up.

Hit him in his passion point and watch the smile spread across his face!

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Gifts

For this guy, the easiest way to really strike gold is to gift him something that relates to his passion. If he likes sports, get him tickets for his favorite team. If he’s into cars, get him a book on the history of his favorite car or a how-to on something he enjoys doing.

A gift can also be the meal his mom always made that made him feel warm and fuzzy or his favorite kind of cake or cookie.

It can even be something as simple as a note in his computer bag or on the bathroom mirror that reminds him he’s special to you.

Quality Time

If his love language is quality time, you have more leverage to do it more often. The best way to show him you love him is to do something together that you both enjoy. It can be anything from having a movie night at home to taking a vacation away together for a week or two.

A couple’s journal is an excellent way to bond with your significant other. Me. You. Together Forever is not just a couple’s journal but a planner too. Using this journal will help you keep your schedules synced, answer difficult questions and maintain a healthy, happy relationship.

You can learn more about Me. You. Together Forever here or you can purchase it by clicking below.

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Physical Touch

I find physical touch to be the most challenging for couples. I knew a couple once who were polar opposites on this. He craved physical touch and even begged for it while she was more of a don’t touch me type.

It didn’t work out. His whining to be touched all the time drove her crazy and she came to resent his need to be touched. They didn’t understand the love languages. If they had, they probably could have worked something out.

If your guy craves physical touch, find out what it is he’s looking for. Does he like the occasional massage or does he enjoy holding hands? Maybe he just likes to have his arm around you when you’re together. Maybe he wants you to place your hand on his knee when you’re sitting together.

Have a conversation to see what exactly he wants. Even if your language isn’t touch, you’ll have to adjust and be accommodating. Just like the other languages, you both need to find a balance between both your needs.

Acts of Service

Often, this is how a man shows he loves you. Men tend to be doers. Sometimes, however, this could be his love language as well.

Acts of service and gifts can overlap. An act of service might be preparing his favorite meal or cleaning his car for him. It might be something as simple as picking up his laundry at the cleaner’s or mowing the lawn.

Love Language Final Notes

It’s possible to have more than one love language, although one will be stronger than the other and usually. This is nice because it gives you some flexibility in how you show your love for him.

If you’re unsure of your own love language, or his, you can figure it out easily enough. Pay attention to how he responds to different things you do.

Look at how he shows his love to you. Our tendency is to show love in the way which most represents how we want to be loved. If he showers you with gifts, that might be his love language as well. If he does things for you around the house, he may like acts of service.

Recognize his love language and show him you love him in the way he understands best. Then, strike a balance between your needs and his. This requires discussion and honesty.
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Building a Solid Relationship Foundation with a Couples Journal

Researchers have spent the last thirty or so years uncovering what makes a successful relationship happen. After plowing through tons of this research, I have a few keys to success to share with you today. The best part is you can accomplish these by using a love journal.

Admire Your Partner

Your guy might be the worst joke-teller on the planet. But, laugh at his jokes anyway and believe he can tell a great joke. Nobody is perfect, but if you’ve found a great guy, all he needs to be is perfect for you. He might not look like a male model, but he tells corny jokes, has a good job and a smile that melts your heart, every time.

When we get in a funk, we tend to look at the negatives, but what if you focus instead on positives.

The next time your guy annoys the heck out of you by leaving the seat up (why do women need to win this one?), recall the time he made you laugh so hard at that joke he tells every time you go out for sushi.

Make a conscious effort to look at things that attracted you to him. You’ll find yourself in a happier relationship. Be enthusiastic about him. Don’t make him your passion or hobby, but get excited when you see him and let him know it.

When you use your couples journal, let him know what it is about him that revs your engine. Show that enthusiasm for his dumb sushi joke.

Focus on and Celebrate the Good Times in your Couples Journal

In a University of California study by Shelly Gable, participants ranked receiving a supportive response to good news higher than receiving a sympathetic response to bad news. Gable categorized our set of possible reactions into four categories:

  • Active Constructive
  • Passive Constructive
  • Active Destructive
  • Passive Destructive

If you engage in Active Constructive communication, you’re saying something like, ”I’m so proud of you for getting that promotion!” This is an excellent way to communicate with your partner and will have the most lasting positive impact.

While it might also seem okay to say, “Gee Sweetie, that’s good”, it’s not really anywhere close to a great response. It’s like you’re being dismissive. He’s got great news but he interrupted your important life to deliver it.

Now, if your guy comes to you with a promotion and your response is “Does this mean you’ll have to work more on the weekends?”, you’re engaging in Active Destructive communication. You’re essentially saying that his promotion sucks for your life, regardless of how it impacts his.

And finally, no response at all to his excited news is called Passive Destructive. You’re ignoring him at a time when he just got a win – and a win is a big deal to a guy!

Focus your energy on being Active Constructive in your interactions. Don’t be fake. Anyone can see fake. Whip up that enthusiasm we just talked about, focus on his good points, and for Pete’s sake, be glad he has a job!

In your couples journal, you can expand on your excitement over his good news. This is a great way to reinforce that you are happy for him and care enough to let him know about it. Avoid comments that seem dismissive, vague or negative.

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Be Grateful to Each Other Inside your Love Journal

It’s very hard to get too far down in the dumps if you’re focused on the good things happening in your life. This goes for everyone, single, in a relationship or married.

Gratitude is an essential tool in your confidence and self-esteem arsenal. Take time to write about the things he did in your world today that made a difference, albeit a small one.

Maybe he warms your car up every morning in the winter or cools it off in the summer. Perhaps he fixes the coffee before he dashes out the door or passes by the dry cleaners to get the dress you want to wear on date night tonight.

Gratitude forms a stronger connection between you and reminds you of your feelings toward one another. It also inspires responses from him. It turns an ordinary act into something extraordinary because you recognized and acknowledged it.

The kicker for gratitude is that you shouldn’t feel obligated to respond in kind if he says something nice. Be grateful from your heart, otherwise it just undoes the good of his gratitude toward you.

Enrich One Another’s Lives

I was listening to Intentional Living by John Maxwell the other day and something struck me so hard that I had to stop what I was doing to write it down.

What I wrote down was this: How did you matter in your partner’s life today? What was the story the two of you wrote today?

If you only answered these two questions every day for one another, you would have a relationship made in heaven!

I’d also like to take this in a different direction and encourage you to spend time together doing exciting things. Now, exciting is a relative term. Exciting for me might not be exciting for you but that’s where you expand one another and enrich one another’s lives.

Exciting for your guy might be zip-lining, which might terrify you and he probably knows it. Why not take the risk? The benefits are tremendous.

First, you build a great experience together, but you also face a fear, which builds your own self-esteem and confidence! This is a win-win. The excitement of the activity will form a bond between you and if you both get something out of the experience, that bond is nearly inseverable.

Being there to boost one another up is a great way to show your support for your partner. You can use your couples journal to not only write about the experience but stick in some photographs for a deeper memory.

This type of activity shows your partner that you’re not only there for the good times, but you’re there to support one another during difficult times too.

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Encourage One Another to Pursue Goals

The final brick of your foundation that we’ll discuss today is to encourage one another in the pursuit of your goals. A great use of your love journal might be to write down, as individuals, what your goals are. Then, compare notes and come up with a list of goals for you as a couple.

Not all your goals will align and that’s okay. You’re not there to approve of his goals, you’re there to support him in his pursuit of his goals.

A friend of mine is an engineer. After he graduated from college, he set a goal of getting his professional engineer’s license. He had a long-term goal of owning his own engineering firm and having is license was a requirement.

He was married with two young children, and pursuing his license meant spending two nights a week after work at a night class, leaving his young and exhausted wife home for more than 12 hours with the kids.

Still, she did it without complaint. She supported his goal to get his license. She allowed him time to study for his test and was supportive and encouraging when it was time to take the test. This meant an extra burden on her, but she didn’t complain.

Another example is a Biography show I watched recently. It was on Jeff Foxworthy, the comedian. They were interviewing his wife, Gregg, about their early marriage years and something she said struck me. She was talking about how they were broke most of the time while he did comedy gigs in bowling alleys and bars, but she didn’t care.

Then, her husband got his big break and was invited to be on the Johnny Carson show – the ultimate goal of every comedian in that era. What Gregg Foxworthy said went something like this, “I was so excited. It was everything we had dreamed of.”

She didn’t say it was Jeff’s dream. It was their dream. That’s magic right there!

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10 Ways to Use Your Couples Journal to Grow Your Relationship

In order to build wealth, financial advisers recommend paying yourself before your bills.

This is the same effect a couple’s journal can have on your relationship. By putting dedicated time and energy into one another before anything else, you are investing in building a solid future together.

It should be a fun activity, not something you dread, and if done right, it will be just that!

Record Photos and Feelings

When you both look back at this journal in years to come, you will treasure the photos and the feelings those photos bring.

The memories you build, which I like to call pennies in the jar, are like a form of relationship insurance. When a couple has strong, happy memories together, they are more likely to want to stay together than to go find someone new.

With each photograph, you can both write something about the photo, including where it was taken, how you felt while you were there and what was so memorable about the experience.

Use Your Couples Journal to Give Compliments to One Another

Life gets hectic! There may be days when you’re like ships passing in the night. You can still connect with one another in a great way by providing a compliment, even if he’s not there to see it immediately!

“I truly appreciated how well you cleaned up the breakfast dishes this morning! I was in a hurry and it really made me happy to come home from work tonight without a mess to clean up!”

Everyone likes to be appreciated and this is a great way to let a man know that the little things he does for you don’t go unnoticed! Just like you, he wants to feel appreciated for his efforts.

Share Your Hopes and Dreams

What better way to use a couples journal than to dream about your next big adventure together! This makes me think of the movie, Up! Even though it’s a cartoon, it’s a really cool movie to watch!

If you haven’t seen it, an older man and a young boy strike out on an adventure together. At the end of their adventure, the man opens the journal he and his now-deceased wife kept and realizes that she wanted him to continue his adventure without her.

This movie puts life in perspective!

What if this was your last year to spend together? Which types of adventures would you want to go on together? What dreams would you want to fulfill?

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Use Your Couples Journal as a Tool for Communication

Sometimes, communication can be difficult. Men have times in their lives when they retreat into their own little cocoon in order to re-evaluate, problem solve or lick their wounds.

While your instinct might be to try to nurture him out of it, a better way to communicate with him during his difficult time is to ask him a question in your journal.

You can also share stories of difficult times in your own life. While these may not prompt immediate discussion, it isn’t something he’s likely to forget.

You can write letters to one another, either randomly, or for special occasions or difficult trials in your relationship. Communication doesn’t always come naturally to a man in a relationship but if he can write it down, he may be more willing to share.

Share Your Feelings

Keeping in mind that this is a positive space, share your feelings with your guy. Even if you’re telling him how frustrated you were with something he did, it’s important to write that as a feelings statement, rather than an accusation.

He will respond much better to:

“Tom, it really made me feel invisible when you ignored me at the Baker’s party last weekend.”

Than he will respond to:

“The next time we go out and you treat me like crap, I’M LEAVING!”

You can even provide him with hints on how it might be better next time:

“It’s fine if you want to go off and hang out with your friends at a party, but I would enjoy the party more if we could do things as a couple too.”

Complaints should be at a minimum, though. This is the space to share the joyful moments!

“Sharing the birth of our first child with you was the most amazing experience of my life.”

Inspire One Another through Your Couples Journal

If you have favorite quotes you love, people who inspire you or things you’re passionate about, share them with your guy.

Use this space to inspire him to grow as an individual or to promote growth as a couple.

What do you want out of life? What does he want out of life? How can you inspire one another to achieve those goals?

Your couples journal is the unique history of your life together. It is a tool by which you can grow together and form an unbreakable bond. It’s the place from which the dreams of your life together are laid bare.

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Record Lasting Memories

Not all memories come from big vacations on the beach, weddings and other large celebrations. Some of the best memories come from the smallest of things.

Your couple’s journal is a great place to write down that time you forgot to put the entire amount of flour in the cookies and they spread all over the pan or the time he put fertilizer on the lawn…except for that one strip down the middle.

Your yearly trips to the apple orchard or to pick out that perfect Christmas tree (or the Charlie Brown one!) can be logged in your journal.

Save Mementos

The ticket from the first movie you saw together or a napkin from the first bar you went to together are great mementos to take you back to those exciting moments of your young relationship.

As your relationship grows and builds, you can save other items with meaning like wedding invitations, markers of goals achieved or results of shared hobbies like photographs or printed documents.

You can also store the names of songs that mean something to both of you, poems, cards or other items that only the two of you can appreciate.

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Final Thoughts on Building a Solid Foundation with Your Couples Journal

I wanted to conclude by sharing with you some of the remaining research I uncovered about successful marriages, but just in a few bullet points. It’s important because the focus is on how men and women perceive the success factors of their relationships differently.

When asked, women stated these as the top reasons why their marriage was successful (in decreasing order):

  • Freedom to pursue dreams and individuality
  • Similar backgrounds and interests
  • Friendship
  • Love
  • My spouse is a good person
  • Support of one another
  • Commitment

Men responded with these:

  • Friendship
  • Love
  • Similar backgrounds and interests
  • Similar values
  • Know one another well before marriage
  • Respect for the other person’s feelings
  • Commitment

If you use your couples journal to hit most of those, you will be in great shape! While it’s long, this article is full of ideas for sharing your thoughts in writing.

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The Power of a Couples Journal is in the Memories

Memories shore up your relationship and help to keep it affair proof. They are things shared just between the two of you, things that can’t be undone.

This can become a fundamental communication tool between the two of you and an invaluable resource for growth as a couple.

A couple’s journal is an excellent way to bond with your significant other. Me. You. Together Forever is not just a couple’s journal but a planner too. Using this journal will help you keep your schedules synced, answer difficult questions and maintain a healthy, happy relationship.

You can learn more about Me. You. Together Forever here or you can purchase it by clicking below.

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How to Spice Up a Relationship and Keep Things Exciting

How to Spice Up a Relationship and Keep Things Exciting

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After

How to Spice up a Relationship!

Today, we have guest blogger, Maria Parker, who will write about how to spice up a relationship.

There are two types of people in this world. There are those who fall in love and commit for the long haul and those with an unexplainable fear of falling in love. This is also known as philophobia.

Although you might say that only one of those two groups is doing something wrong with their life, think again.

The group that falls in love and commits to the long haul also divides into two subgroups. One thinks, “I never have to worry about love anymore.” The other keeps trying to make their partner happy, just like when they first started dating.

Philophobiacs have problems related to love and many who are in love take that love for granted. They’re left feeling empty and alone in the end.

Without constantly putting in effort and trying hard, you can’t have a happy relationship. Even the best ones came crashing down for one reason only – a routine that turns into boredom. Where there is no excitement, the passion fades away.

If you’ve been in long-term relationships, you know what I’m talking about. After that much time spent together, you think there isn’t much you can do to spice things up. Well, that’s where you’re wrong.

There are a lot of things you can do, things that haven’t crossed your mind because they are so simple, yet they work like a charm.

How can you help your relationship get back on the right track, and improve yourself while you’re at it?

Put More Effort Into the Way You Look

One way to spice up a relationship is by modifying your look! What you wear is how you feel. You don’t need to be dressed up all the time, but don’t hang out in your sweatpants and t-shirts. It will ruin your self-esteem sooner or later, not to mention how your partner perceives you.

Try something else from time to time. Slip into something sexier, do something different with your hair and put some effort into sweeping your partner off his feet.

Oil Can be Your Best Friend

When talking about routine and boredom in long-term relationships, you can’t avoid talking about sex. When sex becomes boring, your relationship is really coming to an end. To prevent this from happening or if it’s already happening, use oil – it can be a relationship saver.

If for some reason, you aren’t having sex, offer your partner a romantic massage with oil. This will turn from just a relaxing massage into wild sex in a matter of minutes. I told you already and I’m going to tell you again – oil is your best friend.

spice up your relationship

Technology is Distracting You

I know, the season finale of GOT is approaching and you’d rather watch TV than snuggle with your partner. Well, keep one thing in mind: after your partner leaves you, you’ll have plenty of time to watch TV if that’s what you want.

TV in your room – not a good idea. The chances are you’re going to fall asleep, leaving your partner unsatisfied, which increases the chance of your relationship crashing like a house of cards.

Spice Up a Relationship | Play Exciting Games

Have you ever tried playing “never have I ever” questions? Despite the fact you think you know everything about your partner, playing this game will prove otherwise. There are sure to be a few things you didn’t know.

On the plus side, you can turn this game into a great sex tool. Use your sexual fantasies and your wildest wishes – who knows, maybe they’ll come true.

Do Something You’re Too Old For

Do something you always wanted to do, but do it with your partner. Is it a concert you’ve been dying to go to ever since you were in high school, or maybe you wanted to get a tattoo? Whatever it is, don’t hesitate to do it.

The trick is, you have to do it with your partner. You have to share that experience with him. That experience will serve as a bonding tool between you – something that will bring change and excitement into your relationship.

Five Causes for a Stale Relationship and How to Spice it Up

How to Spice up a Relationship

As you may have noticed, learning how to spice up a relationship is all about changing things up and knocking the two of you out of routine and boredom. While it’s easy to slip into those routines, it’s also easy to change things up a bit. It’s not just good for your relationship, but it’s good for you too. Our minds work better when we hop out of our routines.

So do it for yourself, or do it for your relationship, but try these tips on how to spice up a relationship and watch your relationship soar.

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Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you’ll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They’re added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

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Are You a Clingy Girlfriend? 6 Behaviors to Avoid

Are You a Clingy Girlfriend? 6 Behaviors to Avoid

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

How to Not be a Clingy Girlfriend

Jessica contacted me and asked if she was becoming that clingy girlfriend after three months of dating.

She said her Zeus was pulling away and not responding to her texts like he used to. Jess said her friends are wondering why she is acting so weird around this guy – like she lost all sense of herself.

She knew she was a hot mess but didn’t know what to do about it.

Jessica had become a clingy girlfriend!

Being clingy is a subjective quality. One man might be OK with ‘clingyness.’ While another will feel cooped up. That’s why it’s important to know what type of man you are with.

I solve this issue in my best seller Manimals: Understanding Different Types of Men and How to Date Them.

For most men go ahead and cling one day but ‘uncling’ the next. Run to your social life for a weekend and then run back to him. This is the best of worlds for both of you.

He loves the independence he gets. He also loves the mystery and excitement of missing you. You, on the other hand, get a loyal boyfriend that keeps desiring your ass!

So gauge your man and keep him guessing by adjusting your level of clinginess. Of course, this can only be accomplished by a high-value woman who has a life outside of her man.

Let’s first identify the clingy girlfriend signs and then solve the issue.

Clingy Girlfriend Signs

Look at your phone

how to not be a clingy girlfriend

Too much of this is not good!

Do you see one of his texts to your three? Are his texts one sentence to your paragraphs? How much time does he take to respond compared to how much time you take? And who always texts last?

Of course, these are all rhetorical questions.

If the ratio is disproportionate then you have become, or are becoming, a clingy girlfriend.

Is he your hobby?

Have hobbies of your own. Participate in his. And by all means have a hobby together.

But never make him your hobby!

This is what women do because it’s natural for you. But it kills a relationship. Men need to feel like they have some sort of freedom even when they have been married for ten years and have three kids.

I call this ‘perceived freedom.’ Give it to him! No, we are not talking freedom to go to Vegas for a week. We are talking about letting the poor man have a life outside of yours – Every now and then.

Last year my buddy Ted couldn’t even grab a drink with me because his wife would not let him. I hadn’t seen him in two years. She was so damn clingy and insecure that it wasn’t worth it for Ted to say hi to me over a couple of beers.

Really?

Guess what? They are separated as we speak. Ted couldn’t take it anymore.

Tell me about your social life

If your answer is that you have none outside of his, then, Houston, we have a clingy girlfriend problem.

how to stop being a clingy girlfriend

Cling to your friends and family!

I know that you have no time and that you are crazy busy at work blah, blah, blah.

I’m not buying it. What matters is your friends and family in my book. Boyfriends are in second place. Husbands are family so they count but I still put them on equal footing with your close friends.

Close friends and family will always be there. Boyfriends and husbands? I give less than a 50/50 shot of being there to the end unless you follow my advice – and so far I only have a quarter million who do 🙂

Your social life keeps you busy outside of your relationship. It keeps you experimenting with new things that you can share with him. You become more interesting and mysterious which he likes. And, by default, you can’t make him your hobby because you have friends to see and places to be!

Who are you around him?

Tell me, are you the same person that your friends and family know and love around your significant other?

In fact, don’t answer – I want your friends to answer for you. What would they say? Is that funny, cool and self-confident woman in the house around Johnny? Or has she left the room because she doesn’t believe Johnny would like her?

If a woman changes her persona to fit what she believes her man would like to see, then she is on her way to becoming a clingy girlfriend mess that he will never take to.

You’re always suspicious

If you are weary of him trying to pick up a woman every time he is with his friends you are a clingy girlfriend. Your time would be better spent building strong memories or pennies in the jar as I like to call them.

Do this and there will never be a woman who can steal him from you! When I interview elderly couples that have remained together, I’m amazed at the power of all their shared experiences. There is no way someone else could replace so many memories. Their relationship becomes bullet-proof.

Do you get angry when he wants to be with his friends?

That’s a quick way to become clingy to a man and get dumped. Guys are fearful of three things when entering a relationship. Neutralize these and you are home free!

Will she take my money?
Will she take all my friends away?
Will this be the last woman I ever sleep with?

*I am not always proud of my gender, but these are the facts.

Watch as I hammer this point home with world renowned Dr. Helen Fisher in NYC.

How to not be a Clingy Girlfriend

Text him 50% less than he texts you.
Text like he does – short and to the point. Then, make sure he is the one texting last.

Pursue your hobbies and passions full speed ahead!
Make them a priority not him. The more that he sees that he is not your #1 priority the more his willingness to try harder will kick in. It’s a DNA thing and it will never change!

Keep a vibrant social life.
The more friends that you have the more confident you become because they push you to live outside your comfort zone. Your time becomes valuable and you have options if your man goes rogue.

Always be yourself.
If he doesn’t love you just the way you are then dump his lame ass! He signed up for you and not just the best parts of you. If you are a confident woman that makes you high-value, so there is no reason to change if he doesn’t like the woman he sees. The only change needed is him!

Pile up those pennies!
Forget becoming suspicious about ‘someone else.’ If he wants to have an affair there is not much you can do to stop him. Instead, concentrate on building those memories and your relationship will be bulletproof.

Let him go to his friends.
In fact, encourage him to go. Be nice about it. Then, look your hottest and head out with your friends prior to him leaving and watch what happens next. Your pink smartphone is going to light up!

Clingy Girlfriend Conclusion

Don’t put the cart before the horse! Men are secondary – the furry prize on the top shelf. They come after you have discovered who you are and what you stand for. They come after your confidence and self-esteem have been built up and your career and financials are in place.

Build Yourself and He Will Come!

This phrase sits proudly at the top of my website for a reason.

Cling safely my friends!

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Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you’ll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They’re added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

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Should My Boyfriend Have Female Friends?

Should My Boyfriend Have Female Friends?

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

Should my boyfriend have female friends?

If you’re old enough, perhaps you think Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan settled this in their blockbuster rom com of 1989, When Harry Met Sally. He said no, men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. She thought this was absurd.

The real question at play is this: can a man and a woman be friends without an undercurrent of romance?

So who got it right?

As with anything else, the answer to this question depends on who you ask in a scientific study. While the movies have pursued this more than social science has, still, we have a little bit of data we can examine to find an answer for you.

I often say that I make no apologies for my gender and this is no exception. As it turns out, according to a study conducted at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, men firmly believe that any woman they know is attracted to them.

The study, which included 88 pairs of male-female friends-only subjects, shows that the men studied felt the level of attraction their female friends had was much greater than it truly was. Additionally, the men in the study showed a higher level of sexual attraction to their female friends than the females felt toward the men.

The women in the study less frequently indicated that they were sexually attracted to their male friends. It would be a real disappointment to the men if they knew, I’m sure!

Should My Boyfriend Have Female Friends?

To answer the question fully, we need to add another element to the mix. Your own confidence, and perhaps his. Confidence plays a big role in jealousy and if you’re asking this question, it’s probably because of jealousy.

People who are jealous generally lack confidence. Science tells us that jealousy is related to:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Moodiness, anxiety and emotional instability
  • Feeling inadequate in the relationship – you’re not good enough for this guy
  • Codependent relationships – one or both of you rely on the other too much for emotional support; your mood hinges on his, if he’s away from you too much you melt down, etc.
  • A tendency toward the feeling that your relationship partner will leave you or won’t love you enough

So, this brings us back to the original question, should my boyfriend have female friends? The answer is a little more complicated than yes or no.

Science tells us that if your boyfriend has female friends, he might overestimate how much his female friend is attracted to him. This could be an ego boost for him, indicating he may be lacking some confidence of his own. He has some need to see how many women he can find who will like him.

On the other hand, not all men feel this way. After all, nothing is 100%. Your guy could genuinely feel no attraction to his female friend. He may really just want to be friends with her.

should my boyfriend have female friends

Why Men Want Female Friends

The study explored reasons the men gave for wanting female friends. It turns out that men want:

  • A female perspective on the mind of their girlfriend – an interpreter of sorts – someone who speaks female
  • The female side of things when they need advice
  • Someone who can provide them with emotional support
  • A woman with whom they can easily discuss their emotions
  • Someone with whom they have shared experiences
  • The possibility of romance

There were other reasons, but these are the highest ranking. With older men, having someone to pal around with was also high ranking as was having someone to have fun with.

Some of the men’s reasons for wanting a gal pal aren’t so bad. They want to understand you better and they want someone other than their girlfriend or wife to go to for emotional support.

That one is big because men don’t navigate their emotions like women do. The fact that men want someone with whom they can be free emotionally isn’t a surprise. Men aren’t usually raised to show emotions so it’s new territory.

A guy in a new relationship might not want to jeopardize his standing with you by showing you his emotions. He might not yet be sure that you’ll respond in a way which will make him feel understood and not judged.

As time passes, if you show him you’ll accept his show of emotion without trying to fix it or judge him, he will share these things with you.

The Truth: It Depends

The answer to your question is that it depends on you and your guy.

If you’re both confident, he probably has innocent reasons for wanting a female friend. They may have been friends since they were both in diapers. They may have suffered a tragedy together or experienced something huge together. Their history might make them uniquely bonded, but not romantically.

If you recall the data I cited earlier, the odds of a female friend feeling the same sexual attraction to your guy as he feels toward her is low. She’s much less likely to think of him as a potential boyfriend.

If one or both of you are lacking confidence, this isn’t going to work. Your jealousy will make you distrust him. His lack of confidence means he likes the feeling of more than one woman being attracted to him.

A female friend for a man can be very comforting and can give him the decoding he needs from time to time. If you respond to something he says or does in a way that confuses him, he has a gal pal to go to for interpretation.

Chances are, he’s clueless as to what he did or, said but a female friend can bop him on the head and say, “You bozo, she wanted you to tell her those shoes were great. She didn’t want to hear, ‘uhhh I guess they’re okay’.”

He can do a mental head-slap and come back to you, apologetic and in a better position to understand what he did to tick you off and why. He’ll even know how to fix it.

You must know your level of confidence and his. Here’s a hint – if your confidence is low, his is also low. Confident men don’t go for low-confidence women.

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Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you’ll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They’re added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

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I’m Pushing Him Away with My Insecurities | How Can I Stop?

I’m Pushing Him Away with My Insecurities | How Can I Stop?

Build a Great Relationship, Build Confidence, Find Happily Ever After, Get My Ex Back, Understand Men

Am I pushing him away with my insecurities? You’ve met Mr. Right and all of a sudden, he’s all you can think about. Day in and day out, your mind is on your new guy and how great he is. You spend way too much time wondering if he feels the same way about you.

You fixate on him by sending multiple texts, emails and phone calls a day. But what happens? He pulls back! This is crazy! He seemed to feel something for you. Why is he retreating?

Not understanding the problem, you text more and try harder by cooking his favorite meals and inviting him for dinner. You try buying his favorite beer or suggesting you hang out at his favorite place. He might show up occasionally, but you can feel his detachment.

So you continue to try harder.

The next thing you know, he rarely answers your texts and you don’t see him. He’s gone rogue in a big way.

What happened? Did he find another woman? Did you do something to push him away? What’s going on?

What’s going on is that you did indeed push him away with your insecurities.

Your attempts to win him back only made things worse because you went the wrong way. You fixated on him more and more. Of course, the more you fixated on him, the more he retreated.

It’s time to learn why.

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | Your Mind Plays Tricks on You

Your mind is a master at playing tricks on you. Your conscious mind operates based on past history so, in the past, when a man became distant, he left. That’s what your mind knows.

When you meet a new guy and things are all hot and heavy, your mind says, “Hey, this is looking good so I’ll proceed as before.”

You feel those squishy feelings of love early on, probably too early. You’re totally hot for this guy and every minute spent with him, either by text, phone or FaceTime, is like gold.

Unfortunately, your history is that guys leave. Why else would you be dating a new guy? Working off past history, your mind says, “Eventually, this guy will leave too.” This stirs up your insecurities.

What you might start asking yourself is, “Am I pushing him away with my insecurities?” And, consequently, what can I do to become more secure? That answer will come soon.

Subsequently, You Obsess

The more rogue he becomes, the more you feel panicky and anxious. The more anxious you become, the more you obsess.

Of course, you don’t want him to leave! You want him to stay! He’s awesome!! What can you do to get him to stay with you?

Your obsessive thoughts are like a runaway train, speeding along too fast and errant. You text him all the time with stuff he doesn’t want to read like “Hey what’cha doin?” or “What’s up?”.

When he doesn’t reply, your mind starts playing tricks again. Thoughts like, “He’s gonna leave. They all leave” roll around and your obsession becomes a little more intense.

These thoughts are anxiety run amok. It’s your mind running forward with worrisome thoughts that aren’t as fact-based as they seem. These anxious thoughts feel real, though, and you don’t seem to have any other facts to deny them.

Is Your Relationship Over?

Do you think your relationship is teetering on the edge of disaster? Has he aleady left? This is a great article for sure, but there are others! Just click the button to read them.

Find more articles here...

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | He Pulls Away

Of course, the problem is that the more obsessing you do, the less he responds. Oh, he’ll root for you for a while and give you hope by saying things like “No, everything is fine, I’m just super busy at work.”

But, things aren’t fine and he isn’t super busy. He may already be dating someone else or at least thinking about it.

Why?

No man wants to be your hobby, and that’s what he’s become. He doesn’t want you doting on him and he definitely doesn’t want to answer thirty texts from you a day.

It’s a Vicious Circle

He’s pulling back and you’re ramping up your texts, furiously trying to pull him back in. But, the unfortunate truth is that all your efforts to win him back are confirming for him why he needs to leave.

At some point, you get the message that says, “I need some space” or “I think we should see other people”.

And that brings us back to the beginning. You’re frustrated, angry, disappointed and upset because you don’t know what happened.

Again, it’s time to as yourself, “Am I pushing him away with my insecurities?”

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | It’s a Confidence Thing

A confident woman doesn’t spend one iota of time worrying about whether a guy is into her. Nope. No siree. A confident woman knows that any guy she dates is a guy she has carefully chosen to be part of her life. HE is lucky to be dating her!

When your insecurities get the better of you, it’s because your dating confidence is low. You don’t believe a guy could ever want to be with you for an extended period of time and when one does show interest, it’s hard to believe.

You double down your efforts to keep him, but those efforts are transparent and he immediately sees your lack of confidence. He might not identify it in that way and most guys won’t tell you that’s why they’re breaking up with you, but he knows.

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities

What Can You do to Change?

You’re asking, “Am I pushing him away with my insecurities?” The answer is yes, and while this relationship is probably lost, there is time to work on yourself before meeting another guy.

Take a Small Dating Break

Take a break from dating. It’s very difficult to improve your dating confidence while you’re in the middle of a relationship. The work you need to do is best done while you’re single. Building your confidence isn’t just about dating; it’s about uncovering who you truly are. What types of men are you really attracted to? You may find that the answer isn’t what you expect.

This break should last as long as it takes for you to believe you deserve a great guy. When you recognize that you’re the chooser and not grateful to be chosen, you’re just about there!

Until you truly believe both of those things, keep doing the work.

Change Your Inner Game

Now that you’re on a dating break, it’s time to work on your inner game. That inner voice that was telling you each guy would run is what needs to go! Each breakup you’ve experienced has caused your dating confidence to decline. This feeds that response your mind has conjured up.

It’s time to work on a new response to dating. It’s time to believe that you have what it takes to keep a great guy, without making him your hobby.

All those canned responses to being in a relationship need to be altered from negative to positive. Right now, you’re allowing your mind to feed you stuff like:

  • I’m not good enough for him
  • No good guy will ever like me
  • I’m not worthy of dating a nice guy like that
  • All guys leave eventually

Moving forward, those negative statements should be replaced:

  • I’m good enough to date any man who’s worthy of me
  • A great guy will be attracted to me
  • I am worthy of dating a nice guy like that
  • A great guy will love me for who I am and he’ll stay

These thoughts don’t turn themselves around overnight. It takes conscious effort to change negative thinking into positive, but you can do it with motivation and determination.

What’s your motivation? Finding the guy of your dreams!

Where do you find determination? It’s already there, within you, waiting to be set free. Your determination will grow as your confidence grows. The more you blossom into a confident woman, the more determined you’ll feel!

Work on Your Confidence

You keep hearing about building your confidence, but how do you do that? What does it mean to build confidence?

Perhaps we should begin by defining confidence: confidence is your belief that you can do something. This means that you can have an abundance of confidence in your ability to do your job or raise your kids, but you can have low confidence about finding a great man.

Many women who reach out to me are in exactly this situation. You are not alone. What are some things you can do to build confidence?

Set Boundaries

Boundaries are essential. They are the line we draw between how other people want to treat us and how we will accept being treated. Many people who have low confidence have few to no boundaries. It’s scary to set boundaries because doing so might make someone upset with you and you can’t stand the thought of that.

I understand, but allow me to ask you this question. Why would you allow someone to treat you badly? Your answer is because you’re afraid they’ll stop being your friend, right?

Well, a true friend wouldn’t dream of crossing your boundaries. The question you should be asking yourself is why does that person think it’s okay to walk all over you and treat you like a doormat? Is that how friends treat friends or is that how people treat others they know will accept their bad behavior?

Having boundaries helps you build your confidence, and it also helps you get rid of toxic people in your life. If you have a boundary that says no sex on the first date, a great guy will not only honor you for it, but respect you. A schmuck will push and push until you give in, and if you don’t, well, you’ll never see him again.

Good! Sianara!

It will be difficult at first to stand up for your boundaries, but once you start, you’ll feel empowered and confident. Confidence builds upon itself, so the more you build, the more you’ll find.

Face Your Fears

It’s so easy to allow fears to keep you from doing things. You’re afraid to fly so you stay home all the time or only go places you can drive to. But you’re missing out on a whole big part of the world by allowing this fear to rule your life.

You may be afraid you’ll die alone, without ever finding happiness. But do you realize that many people lie on their death beds wishing they’d taken more chances? They wish they had faced more fears!

Facing fears is a great way to build your confidence because the voice inside that’s been saying “I can’t” suddenly becomes the voice saying, “I can!”

How do I Stop Pushing Him Away with My Insecurities? You Stop the “It’s Always Me” Thoughts

I’m sorry to tell you this, but his world doesn’t revolve around you.

No, I’m not calling you an egomaniac. Your low confidence forces you to believe everything he does, positive or negative, is about you. He doesn’t want to come over and watch a rom-com with you? It’s because he doesn’t like you.

He doesn’t want to meet your parents on a Wednesday night? It’s because he isn’t serious about you.

Those are the false truths your mind has conjured up. Try to see the facts of a situation. He wasn’t in the mood for a rom-com. Or, he wanted to hang with his friends. Maybe, he was exhausted after a long work day and didn’t want to meet your parents when he wasn’t feeling 100%.

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities

Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | Unload Old Relationship Baggage

Men sniff out a bitter woman from one hundred paces. If you have old relationship baggage, you seem as bitter. This isn’t productive if you want to begin a new relationship and have any chance at success.

If you find yourself saying, “Men really suck” or “All men are liars,” you need a time out to unload past hurt. It’s heavy relationship baggage that’s pulling you down into a pit of feeling worthless and unworthy.

Chances are, you don’t even realize you’re lugging this baggage around. It sneaks up on you. First, it’s just a few small items, then you add few more. Then a big one piles on, and another.

By carrying baggage around, you’re carrying past hurt and anger. A guy dumps you and you’re hurt. Instead of forgiving and moving forward in a healthy way, you hold onto that hurt. For a while, there’s a payoff. Your friends and family feel sorry for you, so the hurt stays.

Then, you find another guy and he dumps you for another woman – your best friend no less. Not only are you hurt, you’re angry with them, but you keep it bottled up inside.

Instead of forgiving, you carry it around and it fits nicely with the hurt of the last breakup. This continues until the baggage you’re carrying leaves you jaded and bitter.

Carrying past hurt and anger is causing pain to one person – you. You’re allowing someone to live rent-free in your head, to sabotage your thoughts and hold you hostage. It’s time to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t for the person you’re forgiving and doesn’t make what they did to you okay. It relieves you of the responsibility of carrying the negative emotions associated with that person. It frees up space in your mind for happiness.

Alter Your Communication Skills

Effective communication is key in any relationship. When you communicate with a potential or current boyfriend, it’s a big deal to get it right.

The problem with communication is that you usually come at something from your own perspective. When I was a boy, I needed new hockey skates. I demanded that my mother buy me some. This got me nowhere. Had I come at her from her point of view, I would have had new skates.

What I should have said was, “Hey Mom, if I help you around the house this weekend with some chores, can I get new hockey skates?” Then, I’m recognizing that she’s a busy woman and I’m offering to help her so she will help me.

You might not need new skates but you still need to keep this lesson in mind. Take a few moments to assess a situation from the other persons point of view. Did your ex really avoid you for the reasons you conjured up, or was there something else?

Check Your Paranoia at the Door

Allow your partner to earn your trust and vice versa. To do that, avoid paranoid behaviors that cause trust to deteriorate.

Trust can be a tricky one, because if you’ve experienced a distrustful relationship previously, you’ll be more cautious, perhaps even too cautious. What you must remember is that each person earns or ruins his trust with you on his own. Your trust in one person should never be based on anyone’s past except that one persons.

Just because your last boyfriend cheated doesn’t mean all men cheat. It means that one did. And if your last boyfriend was financially irresponsible, it doesn’t mean your next guy will be too.

If you don’t trust him but there is no basis for your distrust, it’s probably your issue. Trust issues are common so don’t feel like it’s only you. Be real with what you believe, trust him until he proves to you he can’t be trusted and keep your eyes wide open so you don’t trust someone you shouldn’t.

Snooping through his phone or email is not trustful. Sneaking around town, looking to see if he’s where he said he would be is not trustful. If you find he’s cheating on you or lying to you, dump him. He doesn’t deserve you. Otherwise, trust him and grow that trust into a beautiful relationship.

Become an Independent Woman

This one is HUGE. Co-dependent relationships NEVER work. I recently spoke to a 17-year old girl whose parents have been divorced for several years. While her mother has her act together, her dad is another story.

She stated to me that when her dad and his new wife, who is 12 years younger, are apart from one another for more than twenty-four hours, they come undone. She asked me why. I told her that they were co-dependent. She said, “Yeah, I don’t want to be like that!”

I affirmed her belief and told her how she could stay an independent young lady. Her mother is a great example, which I pointed out to her. I told her to be strong, to be financially stable and to be sure of herself. She also told me she doesn’t want to date and is really just enjoying her life as it is right now. This tells me she’s on the right track.

When you’re an independent woman, you won’t get sucked into a co-dependent relationship. What does it mean to be independent? It means you don’t rely on a man for your happiness and your mood isn’t determined by anyone else’s. It means you know what you want and how you plan to go about getting it.

You have goals and you’re driven to chase after them. You know any man would be lucky to be great enough to get and keep your attention. It means you have a life outside of your relationship and it includes hobbies, activities, adventures and friendships.

Independence comes with confidence, so the more confident you become, the more independent you’ll be.

Am I Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities?

By asking, am I pushing him away with my insecurites, you’re taking the first step in fixing the problem. You recognize something isn’t quite right, but you can’t put your finger on it. Now, after reading the information above, you hopefully have a better understanding of how you can fix things.

If you’re insecure, you will chase men off. The only men you won’t chase off are insecure men. This leads you down the path to a co-dependent relationship. In order to be one-half of a successful relationship, build your confidence, believe you’re worthy of a quality man and develop higher self-esteem. You need to be independent, strong, financially stable and baggage-free.

This is all possible! I know you can do it!

It's Time to Understand Men!

Men and women do almost everything differently, and sometimes for different motivations.

Men view finances, love, dating, dealing with difficult situations, and communication differently than women.

Inside this book, you’ll discover how to improve your relationships by understanding these differences and learning how to overcome them and use them to your advantage.

This isn’t about playing games. It’s about understanding what he’s thinking and how he’ll best understand you.

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