Some couples in a relationship reach a point at about year seven when they become bored, restless, and dissatisfied, often called the seven year itch. They feel a need for something new, which can put their relationships at risk. This restlessness may come a little before or after seven years. It’s a ballpark number.
How can you overcome the seven-year itch? Today, I’m going to give you some pointers!
But First, Why?
Why do relationships slam into this hiccup? What’s going on in the background to cause this boredom?
First, the relationship has probably gone past that honeymoon phase where everything is glorious and good. That can make things feel like they’re stalling out.
Additionally, life can feel like it’s too routine and scheduled. Every day is the same as the one before. That, combined with the end of the honeymoon phase can make the relationship feel very boring.
Now, one or both of you are doubting the relationship, wondering if you need a change. As you transition into doubting whether the two of you are compatible, it may feel like the one constant – the marriage – feels itchy.
Next, you’re scrutinizing the marriage, reviewing it with a big old magnifying glass and little things suddenly feel very big.
What Does the Seven Year Itch Look Like in a Relationship?
There are a few clear signs that your relationship might be approaching the seven year itch:
- Poor communication
- Lack of physical or emotional intimacy
- Increased conflict – arguing, hurtful words, criticism
- Secret-keeping
- A lack of meaningful time together
- Feeling unappreciated
- Lack of trust
- Fantasizing about finding a girl/boyfriend
- A general feeling of dissatisfaction
How to Overcome the Seven Year Itch
Use Honest Communication
Great communication is the essence of any great relationship. This is not up for debate. It’s a fact!
That makes your number one tool for overcoming the seven-year itch to make sure you keep communicating with one another. Rather than internalizing these feelings of boredom, express them with your partner. It’s possible that he’s feeling the same way.
Be honest about how you’re feeling. It isn’t a judgement on him, or you. It’s just how you feel.
Rather than arguing, work on finding things you can do together that will stoke the fire and add some excitement to your lives.
Be willing to listen to your partner and brainstorm together how to overcome this roadblock.
Add a Little Spark!
Remember when you were first dating, and the spark was alive? That’s what has flittered out a little, so it’s time to reignite it. But how?
It’s easy when a relationship is new to enjoy that spark. You’re always learning new things and doing new things together.
You haven’t lost that, it’s just been shoved in the closet, and it’s time to drag it out!
Plan a surprise for your partner – cook his favorite dinner or go to his favorite restaurant. Maybe you surprise him with something from when you were first dating, like repeating a fun date or going to the place where you enjoyed your first date.
You can also plan an adventure together, like a hiking trip in a new location, trying something new together, or taking a trip to a destination you’ve both been wanting to visit.
Squash the Seven Year Itch with Time Together
By the seven-year mark, some couples have children together and life has gotten a little busy. If not children, careers can push you into a place where there’s less time for each other because careers have taken a front seat, making the seven year itch a greater possibility.
It’s time to schedule time to be together. Many couples, when planning their weekly or monthly schedules, automatically ink in a date night or two.
Notice I said ink, not pencil.
This makes that time together a priority. It’s a kid-free, tech-free time when you get together and regroup as a couple. Maybe you talk about that trip you want to take or other things going on in your relationship.
*Note* this isn’t a time for arguing or discussing antagonistic topics.
Evaluate Your Assumptions
When your feelings about your relationship are negative, you can get caught up in your own head and fail to recognize the feelings of your partner.
Instead of asking him what he’s thinking or feeling, you assume, and usually incorrectly. This is often your own anxiety over the situation taking over.
By the same token, don’t expect him to know or understand what you’re thinking or feeling.
Open and honest communication is key. You can’t be afraid to say what you’re feeling or to ask him what he’s feeling. You might not like the answer, but then again, the solution may be hiding behind unspoken words!
Spend More Time Together
I think that a great way for couples to be closer to one another is to find a hobby to share or combine a hobby you each have into a new hobby.
For example, if your guy is into cars and you’re into photography, you can go to car shows and take great photos. If he’s into gardening and you love to write, start a gardening blog where you share tips and advice. Perhaps one of you loves to cook and the other enjoys creating beautiful tablescapes. Have parties and invite friends over to enjoy the cooking and the visuals.
The point is to share an interest in something and spend time together pursuing that interest. It could be travel, gardening, cooking, building things, working on cars, or a host of other activities.
Appreciate One Another
This is an often-overlooked thing in many relationships. We get so caught up in life that we forget to say thank you, even for the smallest things.
And yet, those two words can mean so much. It can be the lift you need at the end of a busy day; or it can be a bright star in an otherwise crappy day.
For some people, appreciation is their love language, which means it’s even more important to them.
Re-Evaluate Your Friendships
Do you have a circle of friends (couples) who are in healthy or toxic relationships? If your friends are all in the midst of breakups or miserable relationships, it can naturally bleed into yours as well.
Make sure that the people you’re hanging with, whether as a couple or individually, are positive and upbeat people who lift you up, instead of bringing you down. This doesn’t mean you abandon friends who are going through something tough, but guard yourself against getting sucked into the I’m so miserable mantra.
Try Counseling
Sometimes, the rut is too deep and it’s best to seek professional counseling. Couples’ counselors are trained to manage these very situations, and they can help you iron out the difficulties.
They know just what to look for, which questions to ask, and how to help you work your way out of that deep rut.
What Not to Do When the Going Gets Tough
Just as there are things to do to help your relationship during the seven year itch, there are things you shouldn’t do.
Avoid Seeking Comfort in the Wrong Places
While that guy your best friend just dumped is handsome and all, avoid seeking comfort through him. In fact, unless it’s your gay best friend, avoid seeking comfort or advice from any guy – other than me, of course.
Sharing the negative details of your relationship might place you in a more intimate situation than you originally intended and could lead to something you’ll regret later.
Avoid Drugs and Alcohol
Seeking solace from alcohol or a mood-altering drug isn’t a permanent fix and will only lead to trouble later.
If you’re a recovering addict, reach out to your sponsor or a counselor and get the guidance you need to move past the cravings.
If you aren’t a recovering addict, the pull can still be very strong, but mood altering drugs aren’t the answer and they won’t make you brave enough to have that conversation you need to have.
Avoid a Shopping Spree
While there’s no disputing that a shopping spree often feels good at the time, you can soon have buyer’s remorse and then, instead of feeling great, you feel even worse.
All a shopping spree does is lift some hormones for a while, but once the spree is over and the hormones are gone, the same problems still exist, except now you’ve spent money you probably shouldn’t have spent.
Don’t Change Jobs or Careers
When you’re experiencing a disruption in your relationship, it’s a bad time to disrupt another part of your life too.
The truth of the matter is that your generalized unhappiness is stemming from something other than your career, so get your relationship in order first, then tackle the job situation.
If such a decision is really imperative, discuss it with your partner, don’t just make a blanket decision, assuming that the relationship is nearly over anyway, so what the heck…
Don’t Retreat Further into Yourself
While it might feel like a way to feel safer, it’s no way to solve the relationship issues you’re experiencing. Instead, be open and honest with your partner about how you’re feeling. The only way to solve this is to go straight through it, not to retreat away from it.
How Do You Know if it’s Really Over?
Sometimes, the damage is done and there’s just no clear way through the problems you’re battling. But how do you know?
You’re Experiencing Domestic Abuse
Not all abuse is physical. Some is emotional.
Gaslighting is an example of emotional abuse. When someone is gaslighting you, they’re trying to force you to believe a reality that isn’t actually real. For example, someone may convince you that you’re not competent enough to manage your finances, just so they can steal from you.
Of course, physical abuse is just that. Someone is physically hurting you, possibly making you believe you’re a terrible person who deserves it.
As difficult as it is to leave a situation like this, you must. There are professional people and organizations available to help you safely leave this type of relationship. Check your local area for resources if you need them.
When Counseling Doesn’t Help
A counselor will advise you if your relationship can or cannot be saved. Their effort will be to save it, but there also comes a time when the reality is that something cannot be saved.
By seeking counseling first, you know you’ve tried everything possible to save the relationship before ending it.
Additionally, I have an article that will help you identify signs that a relationship is over.
Wrapping Up How to Overcome the Seven Year Itch
Not all relationships hit this roadblock, but some do, and if your relationship is one, then using better communication, trying to spark things up, and focusing more on spending time with one another will help you get back on track.
Too often in our society today, couples are too quick to give up on one another, leaving yet another broken relationship to heal from in their wake. By shifting your focus from your boredom and unhappiness to doing things together and making one another happy, you have a better chance of soothing that itch and moving on together!
