Relationships are tough, and if you have low confidence, there may be things you and your partner are afraid to say to each other.
Today, I’d like to help you overcome these relationship hurdles and learn how to improve your communication with your partner.
This isn’t so much at the exact things you’re afraid to say to each other, as much as it’s about why you’re afraid to talk to one another about them. Each couple has their individual list of stuff.
What are you afraid to say to each other, and why?
What Are You Afraid to Say to Each Other?
Perhaps the first place for you to start is to make a list of what you’re afraid to discuss with your partner.
You know you’re holding things back.
What are they?
Go ahead and make your list…I’ll wait.
Why Are You Afraid to Say Those Things?
This is where I come in. I can help you understand the why, and once you understand the why, it’s easier to fix the problem.
You Fear Opening Up
You have things you want to say to your partner but you’re afraid that if you do, he won’t be supportive or receptive.
It might not be your fault. It’s possible that one or more of a few things may have happened in your past to cause you this fear.
The first is that you’ve opened up to either this partner or one in the past, and you experienced a very negative consequence of some sort as a result. This will make you very tentative to do the same thing again.
Another is that you have low confidence and you’re afraid that if you open up to him, he will turn away from you, or maybe even break up with you. This too could be the result of someone doing this to you previously.
It could also be that you have some attachment issues that stem from childhood traumas or examples of your parents’ relationship, which likely also had attachment issues.
You Fear Rejection or Pain
This is a very real fear, and it probably comes from a past of being rejected, whether by one or both parents, or men in other relationships.
Additionally, you might feel that if you share something with your partner, he’ll use it to hurt you in some way.
A lot of this comes from low confidence and low self-esteem. You may not feel worthy of such a great guy; therefore, you fear that if you share something about yourself, he’ll realize you aren’t worthy of him too and he’ll leave.
But give this guy some credit. He cares for you, or he wouldn’t be with you.
Be kind to yourself and recognize that the only way to overcome your fears is to face them, head on.
Recognize that you are worthy of a great guy and if this guy dumps you because of whatever it is you share, then he wasn’t the right guy for you after all. Buh-bye!
Fear of Criticism or Judgement
Nobody enjoys being criticized or judged, and everyone makes mistakes. Anyone who judges you for whatever it is you’re afraid to share isn’t being very realistic about their own life.
But your partner probably isn’t sitting there waiting for you to share something he can criticize you for.
If he wants to be critical and judgmental, he will be, whether you share or not, and if he is already doing that, then he’s not the guy for you anyway.
We often criticize things in other people that we see, and don’t like, about ourselves. That doesn’t make it okay, but it gives you some insight into what someone who’s being critical of you is really thinking.
Fear of Conflict
Some people are afraid of conflict. This, again, may come from a traumatized past where conflict ruled and you lived your life in constant fear.
You may have past experiences that have taught you that conflicts aren’t resolved easily but instead escalate out of control.
This can make you fearful of addressing issues in your relationship or confronting your partner about something that’s bothering you.
Fear of Disappointment
Everyone has a past, but sometimes if we think about sharing ours, we may fear disappointing the other person.
Perhaps you don’t want children, but you’re afraid to talk about this with your new beau. You really like him, but you’re afraid that he wants kids and you don’t, so he’ll dump you if you tell him.
This might be true. This is one of those relationship things you need to discuss, and if someone is disappointed, it’s unfortunate, but it’s also okay.
When you’re being real about what you want or things from your past, your partner makes a choice of how he will react. You cannot control that.
If he’s disappointed, then he is. He can either accept you for who you are or choose to move on. Either way, you’re now working with a more honest relationship that’s built on truth instead of omissions and you’ll both be better for it.
The Results of Being Afraid to Say Things to One Another
There are relationship consequences either way. If you don’t share things with one another, you run the risk of those things coming out anyway, making things even worse.
There are consequences to not sharing.
Lack of Intimacy
Intimacy is not sex. Let’s start by clearing that up.
Intimacy is those moments between you when you’re sharing something special or fun. You might go bowling together and have an absolutely terrible game, but the laughter and fun you share pushes your bond a little deeper.
But when you’re afraid to share things with one another, there’s a wall between you, and it prevents you from building true intimacy. It keeps your relationship stuck on a plateau.
Unresolved Issues
By not addressing problems in your relationship, you’re avoiding the inevitable. Eventually, things will reach a boiling point.
You may find yourself feeling more and more negative about your partner and your relationship, or you may come to resent him because you feel like you can’t share things with him.
Poor Communication
One of the biggest problems in relationships is communication. Poor communication is the same thing as adding bricks to that wall I just mentioned. You talk to one another, but not on a deep and meaningful level.
One or both of you are holding things back and it’s unhealthy.
Increased Stress and Anxiety
Holding things in causes stress and worrying about how your partner will react causes anxiety.
Instead of sharing your thoughts and feelings with him, you’re sitting there, imagining a dozen different awful ways the discussion will go.
In none of them do you imagine things turning out well, so you hold off longer.
Overcoming Your Fears
If you’re feeling this in your relationship, it’s possible your partner senses it, and maybe shares your fear.
To overcome a fear of opening up, create a safe space to communicate.
Start with something small and share it with your partner. Not only does this help you build trust that he won’t react badly, but it also encourages him to share something with you too. He might not do it right away, but soon.
Additionally, even though it’s difficult, you need to share your fears with your partner. He may share those fears or have fears of his own. If you both just sit there afraid, and afraid to share what you’re afraid of, fear wins, and your relationship ultimately loses.
Agree to listen to one another without judgement. If things become contentious, agree to step away from one another until you can both calm down and speak with reasonable tones.
Sometimes, it’s just the shock of whatever was shared that causes an emotional outburst. Given time to process the information, people often see things in a new light.
If your partner is sharing something with you, practice empathy and understanding, instead of judgment and criticism.
If the two of you are really struggling to be open with one another, try counseling. Relationship counselors are great at creating that safe space and walking you both through the feelings associated with this process.
And finally, focus on the positives of opening up to one another. You see what the negative consequences are of not opening up and you don’t want to experience those!
Wrapping Up: What are You Afraid to Say to Each Other?
Your past doesn’t need to be a predictor of your present, and just because one person reacted negatively to something doesn’t mean that the next person will also.
We don’t give one another enough credit for being kind and non-judgmental.
If you want to enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship with your partner, you have to face these fears of opening up and move past them.
If things end badly between you, then it wasn’t meant to be. If he can’t accept you for who you are, flaws and all, then he’s not the right man for you.
That guy will show up. You just might not be ready for him yet.
I know it’s scary to think about sharing your vulnerabilities, but in the end, it’s that honesty that builds a great relationship, not lies and omissions!
