How to Control Your Emotions in a Relationship
Knowing how to control your emotions in a relationship could very well keep you from experiencing a terrible breakup.
While everyone loses control sometimes, others experience emotional reactivity on a regular basis. Today, I’d like to help you recognize if this might be you and help you develop some healthy strategies to regain control.
What does it Mean to be Emotionally Reactive?
When you’re emotionally reactive, you tend to react quickly and negatively to even the mildest of situations.
For example, you and your boyfriend are eating out and the waiter brings your food. Instead of bringing you a baked potato with sour cream, he’s forgotten the sour cream. Your guy goes ballistic. He begins berating the server and is furiously waving his arms in a threatening way.
That’s being emotionally reactive. Let’s look at a more common example.
You’re driving down the road and someone pulls out in front of you, not so close that it threatens an accident, but it startled you nonetheless. You begin calling this person names and flipping him your middle finger.
That too is being emotionally reactive.
Let’s try one more example, this time a relationship example.
You and your partner are enjoying a nice dinner at home when he brings up something you did that he didn’t like. He’s started the conversation in the right way – you’re both happy and enjoying a nice moment together.
But you lose it completely. You feel defensive, maybe even a little attacked, and you resent his comment. You explain that you did what you did to protect yourself in some way and how dare he criticize you for it, except you aren’t explaining, you’re yelling.
The argument devolves into flying insults which you initiate, and he eventually joins in. This argument continues until he finally waves his arms in the air in frustration, grabs his keys, and heads out the door.
After you’ve cooled off, you feel guilty and maybe even a little embarrassed. How did that happen? Let’s find out.
How to Control Your Emotions | Understand Why It Bothered You
There are a variety of reasons why you may be emotionally reactive.
You’ve Experienced a Past Trauma That is Now Triggered
I think every single human being can relate to this cause. I like examples, so let’s use another one.
Carrie and her husband were married for twelve years before their divorce. Mark, her now ex-husband, was verbally abusive and was constantly saying things that were at the least rude and at the most, very hurtful.
A couple of years after their divorce, Carrie was dating Brett. They were enjoying a nice date when Brett said something that immediately triggered an emotional response from Carrie. It was something her ex had said to her and while Brett had meant no disrespect or harm, her ex had, and that’s what she reacted to.
In what seemed like an out-of-body experience, Carrie few off the handle. She was immediately sorry and apologized to Brett, but the problem lingered in her mind. Finally, she realized that what Brett said was very much like something her ex said to her that always made her feel ashamed. The next time she saw Brett, she explained her reaction and promised to do better.
Carrie had a few other hot buttons that were uncovered over the next year or so, but she learned to manage them and eventually, she didn’t react. Today, she couldn’t even tell you what they were.
You Misinterpret People’s Body Language and Intent
Some people are great at reading body language, but some aren’t. Honestly, many people aren’t even aware of their body language or anyone else’s and might not realize that they’re sending certain signals or misinterpreting someone else’s body language.
Still, this can make it hard for you to interpret someone’s. When you’re already in an emotionally reactive frame of mind, you tend to misinterpret people’ body language in the negative.
While someone might be doing something very innocent, you misread the cues and feel threatened or wronged by that person. Your tendency to jump to negative assumptions puts you on the defensive and you’re immediately angry.
The next thing you know, you’re jumping down their throat, carrying on about something, but they have no clue what they’ve done. This, of course, makes you even angrier, and so it goes.
What’s happening is that you’re inadvertently sending a danger signal to your brain and the fight or flight stuff kicks in. Your heart rate accelerates, and you become akin to a mother bear protecting her young. You growl and lash out at the attacker to protect yourself. The problem is that you weren’t ever in danger to begin with.
How to Control Your Emotions | Debunk Your False Beliefs
We’re all told stories when we’re kids, and some of them are scary. As we get older, the beliefs of our parents can infiltrate our own belief system.
For example, your mother may have been afraid of tall men with beards. Maybe she’d experienced something scary with a man who looked like that and now, she associates her fear with any man who looks the same.
Consequently, she’s passed that fear to you, so whenever you see a tall man with a beard, you think the worst. You might even be so fearful that you turn the other way. You feel your fight or flight kick in because you were raised to believe this person is a threat.
It’s also possible to be raised with beliefs about people who believe certain things, like their faith, for example.
Often, these false beliefs come from faulty experiences and information. Look back in your life. How many tall men with beards have you come across? Were they all bad people? Probably none of them were. Now, you can begin to work on eliminating that belief from your life.
These types of beliefs are usually easy to debunk, if you set your mind to it. The everyone who believes X or everyone who looks… beliefs are way too general. You should easily be able to recall someone from your life who fits that description and isn’t that way.
Paranoia
A more extreme example is someone who’s paranoid. Mostly, this is someone who has a psychosis or is on drugs. Most folks don’t experience this.
Still, when you’re paranoid, you believe everyone has an agenda against you. You see everyone as a threat and live in constant fear.
For people who live this way, treatment and medication are the best paths forward.
How to Control Your Emotions | Work on Your Anger Management Issues
I suppose by definition, emotional reactivity and problems with anger management seem to be the same thing, and in some way they are.
If you find yourself angry at the most basic things, you are probably battling anger management issues.
There are several underlying causes for anger management and often, the best way to deal with it is to work with a professional who can help you uncover the cause and work toward better emotional regulation.
Low Confidence and Low Self-Esteem
If you don’t believe in yourself, you will find the things people say to almost feel more like an attack than a passing comment.
Let’s look at how this might play out.
You and a friend are out for lunch on a Saturday afternoon. It’s been a long week at work and you’re looking forward to winding down and enjoying this time.
As you’re dining, a woman glides by, very well-dressed and put together. Your friend makes a comment about how pretty she is and you’re immediately on the defensive. You may hear yourself say, “Am I not pretty???” as your voice raises an octave or two?
Stunned, your friend looks at you, realizing she’s made a mistake. There is no amount of backpedaling she can do now to calm you down.
The reason you reacted this way is that you don’t believe yourself to be pretty. Your self-esteem is low and having someone seemingly point that out hurts.
Luckily for you, this is one you can work out yourself.
You Have a History of Abuse
If you have lived a life of abuse, you’re going to be naturally defensive. You believe everyone is out to hurt you and not wanting to be hurt anymore, you immediately fly into fight or flight mode to protect yourself.
If you’re truly in danger, of course, this is a great response, but most of the time, we don’t find ourselves in mortal danger.
This is another instance in which seeking out a professional works best to help you overcome the underlying cause of your reactivity.
Dealing with your past abuse is something a professional is best suited to help you with.
How to Control Your Emotions
Now that you have all of the background information on being emotionally reactive, let’s see if we can’t work through some ways in which you can be more emotionally proactive.
Take a Breath and Count to Ten
I know it sounds like a cliché, but this is one of the best tools you can develop. Being reactive occurs because you don’t take time to think first about how you want to react.
If you take the time to breathe in and out deeply while you count to ten, you fill feel the fight or flight urge lessen and you will have the opportunity to consider the proper response.
This takes practice and won’t be something you just start doing. It takes a conscious effort to recognize that your emotions are ramping up and the ability to stop before it’s too late.
Good news though.
Every single human being has the capability to do this. Me. You. Your partner. Your parents. Your kids.
Many people are never taught that they have this ability and I’ve angered more than a few people by telling them this. Why?
Because when you’re emotionally reactive, you’re blaming someone else for how you’re reacting to the situation. That jerk pulled out in front of you. Your partner said something that ticked you off. It was their fault.
When you become emotionally proactive or in control, you own that you are the one who chose how to react, even though it didn’t feel like it at the time.
Learning to be emotionally proactive or in control of your emotions is a huge leap in your level of maturity. It’s called emotional intelligence.
If you get to ten and you’re still angry, it might be time to step away from the situation for a longer period of time so cooler heads can prevail. Allow yourself time to come up with a way to deal with what happened.
How to Control Your Emotions | See it From Their Point of View
This is a toughie because it forces you to be empathetic when you want to be angry or frustrated. Still, you know there are people who just set you off as soon as you see them.
Terrie was tasked with hiring and working with someone to redo their company website and her boss already had someone in mind. She and a coworker met with this man several times and the guy just got under Terrie’s skin, no matter how hard she tried. He was condescending and rude and she didn’t like him.
The coworker quickly saw that Terrie’s buttons were pushed by this man and took up the job of corresponding with the web designer. As soon as he would see an email to both of them, he would stop by her office to tell her that he would handle it.
Terrie wasn’t proud of how this guy got under her skin, but she found that the more she stayed on the periphery of the project, the smoother things went.
If there’s someone like this in your life, it’s best to try to avoid them as much as you can. If it’s someone who’s genuinely rude to you, then it truly may be them and not you, but if there’s no rational reason why this person gets under your skin, it might be time to look for those faulty beliefs.
Practice Active Listening
Sometimes, being emotionally reactive comes from not taking the time to hear what another person is saying. Being an active listener seems to be a lost skill these days.
Instead of listening and formulating your next thing to say while the speaker is still talking, stop your own thoughts and just listen.
The need to best your opposing speaker comes from a place of low confidence. You want to show what you know or share that your life or experience was more extreme.
After the other person has spoken, take a moment or two to think before you speak. What truly is the best response? How can you appropriately validate their comments by agreeing or showing empathy?
Taking this path, instead of trying to best someone, always produces a better conversational experience. It also forces you to consider your response and be less reactive.
How to Control Your Emotions | Find New Outlets for Your Emotions
When you don’t know how to control your emotions, they can build up with no effective outlet. Negative emotion builds and builds until you almost feel like you’re going to explode.
One way to let out negative emotions is through journaling. Try writing about how you feel about things. Write about your daily experiences and what feelings were triggered. You can think of a journal as the friend at the other end of the line who will listen without issuing a judgment.
Another way to channel your emotions is through meditation. There are tons of YouTubers out there who provide guided meditations.
Some people find art to be a great outlet. In fact, there’s such a thing as art therapy to help people manage difficult things in their lives. And it doesn’t need to be art specifically. You can find this release through music, art, literature, or any other hobby. These tend to help you release and even trigger the release of hormones that calm you down and help alleviate stress.
A final suggestion is to take up a sport or exercise. Boxing is an excellent way to release pent-up emotions, but a fifteen-minute walk can do the same if you don’t want to take on the expense of boxing. Any exercise outlet you choose will help because your body releases endorphins during physical activity and those are often labeled feel-good hormones.
Learn to be Aware of Your Thoughts
Earlier, I said that we all have the ability to control our emotional responses to things. You may have scoffed, but it’s true, and I encourage you to pay attention to not only your emotions but your thoughts.
Teach yourself to listen to your thoughts before you act on them. Learn to discern how you really feel about something before you react to it. During that time of reflection, ask yourself why this particular person or statement bothers you. Can you find a better way to react, or can you choose not to react at all?
Sometimes, if you’re facing someone who’s showing animosity, the best response is no response. Responding only fuels their fire.
One of the best ways to work through this is journaling, again. After you encounter a difficult situation, journal about it. Ask yourself those questions. Where did that feeling come from? If you allow your thoughts to flow freely, you will be able to uncover the secret of why.
How to Control Your Emotions | Learn More About Your Triggers
Understanding why you react the way you do goes a long way in helping you overcome emotional reactivity. Like the example above, you might learn that a particular phrase brings back negative memories. Once you understand this, you’ll be more dialed into it when other phrases are used.
Or it might be that when your friend mentioned that the woman passing by was pretty, it stirred up your own insecurity about your own physical appearance.
Again, and I do feel like a broken record here, journaling can help you. As you journal, take time every week or so to read back through your entries. Look for hidden cues and patterns. You may not notice them as you’re writing, but if you look back over a few days’ worth of entries, they might stand out.
Practice Self-Care
Sometimes the reason you are emotionally reactive is that you’re physically and emotionally exhausted. In this case, a self-care routine can be very beneficial.
Some days try your patience and other days that just flow smoothly from wakeup to bedtime. Regardless, self-care is a way to reset and rejuvenate.
There are several ways to engage in self-care and there are different types of self-care. Most people are familiar with the bubble bath/candles/glass of wine type of self-care, but there are many other things you can do.
Try the Little Self-Care Handbook for more tips on developing a self-care routine.
How to Control Your Emotions | Concluding Thoughts
When you don’t know how to control your emotions, things can go sideways in your relationship very quickly. Without emotional control, there is a constant barrage of damage to the relationship. Arguments are frequent and hurtful. Things are said and wounds gape open and grow larger.
I once read a story about a father whose son was being verbally abusive to a younger sibling. The father decided it was time to teach his son a lesson, so one morning at breakfast, the father told the son he wanted him to go outside and pound as many nails as he wanted to into their fence.
The young man went out and pounded the nails. When he returned indoors, his father told him to return to the fence and pull the nails out. While the boy had only taken about ten minutes to put dozens of nails into the fence, he found that after ten minutes, he’d only pulled out a few.
He came in, complaining to his father that the nails were too difficult to take out. The father smiled and said, “Son, when you say hurtful things to people, it’s like pounding in those nails. It isn’t very difficult, and you can do a lot of damage in a short amount of time. But it’s more difficult to take those words back, just like it’s more difficult to pull out those nails. And even when you do pull the nails out, a hole remains.”
Your words can’t be taken back, so it’s important to ensure that the words you use are the best and most effective for the situation. And by effective, I don’t mean hurtful. I mean effective in maintaining a healthy relationship.
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