8 Tips to Stop Being Insecure
Am I pushing him away with my insecurities? You met your ultimate Mr. Right. All of a sudden, he’s all you can think about. Day in and day out, your mind is on your new guy and how great he is. You spend way too much time wondering if he feels the same way about you.
This translates into multiple texts, emails and phone calls a day. You are fixated on him but what happens? He pulls back! This is crazy! He showed all sorts of signs that he felt something for you. Why is he now retreating?
Upon his retreat, you text more. You try harder to keep him by cooking his favorite meals and inviting him for dinner, buying his favorite beer or suggesting you hang out at his favorite place. He might show up occasionally, but you can feel his detachment.
So you try harder.
The next thing you know, he rarely answers your texts and you don’t see him. He’s gone rogue in a big way.
You’re left wondering what happened. Did he find another woman? Did you do something to push him away? What’s going on?
Okay so here’s what’s going on. You began to fixate on him. First because you liked him so much.
Yeah, he noticed.
Then, you began to fixate on him more and more. It’s like one of those balance scales – the more you fixated on him, the more he retreated until – POOF – he was gone.
Let’s dig a little deeper and see if we can uncover what happened.
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Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | Your mind got the better of you
Our minds are masters at playing tricks on us. Your conscious mind is operating on past history. In the past, when a man has begun to get distant, he eventually leaves. That’s what your mind knows.
When you meet a new guy and things are all hot and heavy, your mind says, “Hey, this is looking good so I’ll proceed as before.”
You’re feeling those squishy feelings of love early on – probably too early. You’re totally hot for this guy and every minute spent with him, either by text, phone or Skype, is like gold.
Unfortunately, your history is that guys leave – or else why would you be dating a new guy? Okay so your mind says, “Eventually, this guy will leave too”.
You begin to obsess
Now, you begin to obsess. You don’t want this guy to leave! You want him to stay! He’s awesome!! What can you do to get him to stay with you?
You’re thinking about this all of the time. You text him all the time with stuff he doesn’t want to read like “Hey what’cha doin?” or “What’s up?”.
When he doesn’t reply, your mind kicks in again with something like, “He’s gonna leave. They all leave” and your obsession gets a little more intense.
He pulls away
The problem you can’t see because you’re right in the middle of it is that the more obsessing you do, the less he responds to you. Still, he will root for you for a while. He’ll give you hope and say things like “No, everything is fine, I’m just super busy at work” when you ask about his absence.
Things aren’t fine. He isn’t super busy. He’s probably dating someone else or at least thinking about it.
He doesn’t want to be your hobby. He doesn’t want you doting on him. He doesn’t want to answer 30 texts from you a day, especially “What’s up?” texts.
It’s a vicious circle
So he’s pulling back. You’re ramping up your texts. You’re furiously trying to pull him back in but the truth is that all of your efforts to win him back are actually proving to him why he needs to get out.
At some point, sooner than later, you get the email/text/phone call that says, “I need some space” or “I think we should see other people”. That sort of thing.
And here we are. Back at the beginning. You’re frustrated, angry, disappointed and upset because you don’t know what happened.
Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | It’s a confidence thing
A confident woman doesn’t spend one iota of time worrying about whether or not a guy is into her. Nope. No siree. A confident woman knows that any guy she dates is a guy she has carefully chosen to be part of her life. HE is lucky to be dating her!
When your insecurities get the better of you, it’s because your dating confidence is too low. You don’t believe a guy could ever want to be with you for an extended period of time and when one does show interest, it’s almost too hard to believe.
You double down your efforts to keep him but those efforts are transparent and he can immediately see your lack of confidence. He might not identify it in that way and most guys won’t tell you that’s why they’re breaking up with you but he knows.
What can you do to change?
While this relationship is probably lost, there is time to work on yourself before meeting another guy.
1) Take a small dating break
While you fix things, it’s best not to enter the dating world. You’re in a good place to work things through and having a new guy in your life won’t provide you with the personal clarity you need to do this the right way.
The dating break should last as long as it takes for you to believe that you deserve a good guy, that you’re the chooser, not grateful to be chosen and that you are one heck of a great catch for some lucky guy! Until then, do the work.
2) Change your inner game
The first thing you need to do is work on your inner game or your inner voice. All of those breakups from the past have left you in a bad place. Your mind processes the same inputs and spews out the responses it has stored from history.
When you build your confidence, you reprogram some of those responses. “I’m not good enough for him” or “He’s going to leave eventually” become “Any guy would be lucky to have me” and “If he’s lucky, I’ll keep him around for a while”.
In my book, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes, I help you move through improving your inner game and other steps you need to become a confident woman.
3) Work on your confidence
Changing your inner game is part of what you need to do to boost your confidence but you also need to do some other things like face some fears and set some boundaries.
Facing fears takes bravery and this builds confidence. If you fear spiders, at least look at some through the glass at the zoo. If you fear heights, go stand at the railing of the upper level at the mall. Do whatever it takes to knock those fears out of the park!
Setting boundaries is crucial to confidence because it helps you take a stand and stops you from being a doormat. If someone tries to cross a boundary like no sex on the first date, he’s gone. If you have a boundary that your date will pick you up on time and he continually blows it by showing up 30 minutes late, start driving yourself to dates and if he’s 30 minutes late, he finds an empty table.
Right now, you’re shaking your head – no no no I would never leave a date! Yes, you would if you had boundaries! Boundaries cause people to respect you. He will either be on time the next time or he will exit the relationship. Good riddance.
4) End the “it’s always me” thought pattern
I’m sorry to tell you this but his world doesn’t revolve around you.
No, I’m not calling you an egomaniac. What I’m saying is that your low confidence has you thinking that everything he does, positive or negative, is about you. He doesn’t want to come over and watch a rom-com with you? It’s because he doesn’t like you.
He doesn’t want to meet your parents on a Wednesday night? It’s because he isn’t serious about you.
Those are the false truths your mind has conjured up. Try to see the facts of a situation. He wasn’t in the mood for a rom-com. Or, he wanted to hang with his friends. Maybe, he was exhausted after a long work day and didn’t want to meet your parents when he wasn’t feeling 100%.
5) Unload old relationship baggage
Men can sniff out a bitter woman from 100 paces. If you have old relationship baggage, you might come off as bitter. This isn’t productive if you want to begin a new relationship and have any chance at success.
If you find yourself saying stuff like “Men really suck” or “All men are liars”, you probably need a time out to unload that past hurt.
Carrying past hurt and anger is only causing pain to one person – you. You’re allowing someone to live rent-free in your head, to sabotage your thoughts and hold you hostage. You may need to seek professional help if the baggage is particularly heavy.
6) Alter your communication skills
Effective communication is key in any relationship. When you’re communicating with a potential or current boyfriend, it’s a big deal to get it right.
The problem with communication is that we usually come at something from our own side. When I was a boy, I needed new hockey skates. I demanded that my mother buy me some. This got me nowhere. Had I come at her from her point of view, I would have had new skates.
What I should have said was, “Hey Mom, if I help you around the house this weekend with some chores, could I get new hockey skates?” Now, I’m recognizing that she’s a busy woman and I’m offering to help her so she will help me.
You might not need new skates but you still need to keep this lesson in mind. It really deserves its own book (which I happen to have written already). In The Power to Communicate, you can read more about my skates and other stories from my life that focus on improving your communication.
7) Check your paranoia at the door
It’s important to allow your partner to earn your trust and vice versa. In order to do that, you need to avoid paranoid behaviors which can cause that trust to deteriorate.
If you don’t trust him but there is no basis for your distrust (he hasn’t cheated, etc.), it’s probably you who has the issue. Trust issues are common so don’t feel like you’re different. The important thing is to be real with what you believe, trust him until he proves to you he can’t be trusted and keep your eyes wide open so you don’t trust someone you shouldn’t.
Snooping through his phone or email is not trustful. Sneaking around town, looking to see if he’s where he said he would be is not trustful. If you find he’s cheating on you or lying to you, dump him. He doesn’t deserve you. Otherwise, trust him and grow that trust into a beautiful relationship.
8) Become an independent woman
This one is HUGE. Co-dependent relationships NEVER work. Let me say that again. Co-dependent relationships never work. I recently spoke to a 17-year old girl whose parents have been divorced for several years. While her mother has her act together, her dad is another story.
She stated to me that when her dad and his new wife (who is 12 years younger) are apart from one another for more than 24 hours, they come undone. She asked me why. I told her that they were co-dependent. She said, “Yeah, I don’t want to be like that!”
I affirmed her belief and told her how she could stay an independent young lady. Her mother is a great example, which I pointed out to her. I told her to be strong, to be financially stable and to be sure of herself. She also told me she doesn’t want to date and is really just enjoying her life as it is right now. This tells me she’s on the right track.
Am I Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities? Concluding Thoughts
If you are insecure, you will chase men off. The only men you won’t chase off are insecure men. This leads you down the path to a co-dependent relationship. In order to be one-half of a successful relationship, build your confidence, believe you’re worthy of a quality man and have self-esteem. You need to be independent, strong, financially stable and heavy baggage-free.
This is all possible! I know you can do it! Now, get going!!