Understand Men Archives

Should I Move in with My Boyfriend?

You’ve been pondering the question for a while now, should I move in with my boyfriend? There have been a few sleepless nights, friends and family members quoting negative statistics, and your doubts and questions swirling around in your head.

What’s the right answer? Everyone is telling you that people who live together before getting married end up divorced, but is it true? If you move in together, are you ringing a death knell for your relationship?

Studies that were conducted before the turn of the century indicate that yes if you live together, you run the risk of divorce later, but since the 2000s other studies indicate that there’s more to the story and markers to determine the success or failure of your long-term commitment.

What You’ll Find Here

What are Your Reasons for Shacking Up?
Have You Considered What it Really Means?
Have You Discussed Your Roles?
What Kind of Roommates Will You Be?
Are Your Schedules Compatible?
Are You Both Ready?
Have You Taken a Trip Together?
Have You Discussed if and How You’ll Share Your Lives on Social Media?
Have You Survived a Big Fight Yet?
Do You Already Have Relationship Issues?
Are You on the Same Page About Your Future?
Are You Moving in Because You Want to?
Are You Both Willing to Allow the Other Some Independence?
Wrap Up

Should I Move in with My Boyfriend? What Are Your Reasons for Shacking Up?

The first thing to consider is your reasons for moving in together. Some poor reasons for living together include:

Testing the relationship to see if it can handle living together
Saving money
To spend more time together

Studies have shown that women are unhappier in their relationships after moving in together if one or more of these reasons was key in their decision.

If you feel the need to test the relationship, perhaps you should try other means that don’t require as much disassembly as moving in together does. The fact that you feel your relationship needs to be tested is problematic.

Moving in together for financial gain is also not a good reason to make such a commitment. While a financial discussion is wise, it shouldn’t be a reason to move in together.

And even spending more time together isn’t a great reason for moving in together, at least as far as women in various studies go. You and your partner can spend time together without taking the huge step of merging your lives.

Have You Considered What it Really Means?

When you dreamily think about moving in with your boyfriend, do you think through what it means?

For instance, let’s say you move in together and decide to get a puppy. If you break up, who gets the dog? Who gets the apartment or home? What about any other joint purchases, like living room furniture or a car?

Those things are very difficult to sort out, especially if you’re already upset with one another.

If you decide to move in together, you need to sort out these things first. Who keeps the home? Who keeps the pets? If one of you owned these things before, you’ll probably keep them, but assumptions can be the cause of many arguments.

I know it’s no fun to start out thinking about the end of your relationship just as you’re taking it to the next level, but it’s a logical thing to do, especially since there isn’t any official paperwork between you, like a marriage license, which comes with legal stipulations.

Should I Move in with My Boyfriend? Have You Discussed Your Roles?

Who will do the cooking and cleaning? Which one of you will go to the grocery store? Whose job is it to do any lawn maintenance?

Who will pay for what? Will you create a joint account, and each put in equal amounts? How will paying the bills go? Is it your responsibility or his? Whose name will the utilities be in?

These things are not fun to discuss, not like choosing paint colors or bed linens, but they’re the things that will bring your relationship down if you don’t sort them out ahead of time.

If you have children, whether they’re yours, his, or belong to both of you, childcare is another issue. Whose job is it to get the child to school every morning? Who’s there when they get home? If you’re hiring a babysitter, where does the money come from?

There are tons of questions that need to be answered but don’t put them off. Thinking these things will sort themselves out is avoidance, which means there may be some doubt somewhere in the back of your mind.

What Kind of Roommates Will You Be?

Some people are neat freaks while others leave a dust cloud behind them wherever they go. This can be a huge friction point for both of you as one is constantly nagging the other to either clean up after themselves or quit nagging.

You’ve seen his place and he’s seen yours. This should give you a glimpse of what he’s like on a day-to-day basis.

In this instance, both of you need to compromise to make living together work. The neat freak may need to adjust her expectations and the messy one probably needs to accept responsibility for his mess and tidy up after himself.

How will you manage it when friends or family come in from out of town? Will they stay with you? Where?

Many roommate issues will come up but heading them off before you move in together will save you aggravation later. If you’ve lived with someone before, even if it was a college roommate or a girlfriend, you’ve been through something similar. What types of things bugged you back then?

Are Your Schedules Compatible?

If you’re a night owl but your partner needs to be up at 5:30 a.m. for work, can you dial it back and get to bed earlier?

If one of you works nights and the other works days, how will you spend time together? There are different expectations when you’re dating versus living together.

If you both work at home, can you find separate spaces so one being on the phone doesn’t disturb the other?

These things aren’t deal breakers, but they are things you should talk about before you move in together. You can work together to make things work, but don’t just assume they’ll work themselves out. It never goes that way.

Should I Move in with My Boyfriend? Are You Both Ready?

How often do you stay at one another’s places? If you’re already spending four or five nights a week together, moving in together will probably go smoother. You’re aware of some of the pitfalls and may have an easier time working out some of the things mentioned above.

Still, if you’re moving your stuff into his place, will you be able to decorate with some of your things? Whose furniture will you use and what happens to what you don’t use?

As far as being ready goes, there’s also being emotionally ready. This is a big step in a relationship and just because you are spending several nights a week together doesn’t mean the natural progression is living together. This is a new level of commitment for both of you and you should make sure everyone is on the same page.

Where do you stand?

Sometimes it's hard to know where your relationship is. Men aren't great communicators, making it even more challenging. This is a great article to help you and there are others too. Just click the link below.

Find More Articles Here

Have You Taken a Trip Together?

This is a great way to learn more about your partner. Taking a trip together is like a trial run for living together, especially if you’re gone for a couple of weeks. You get to test out who pays for what, how you’ll keep your space clean, and how to negotiate schedules.

You’ll also get a glimpse into one another’s habits and ways of dealing with things. Vacations are great opportunities to handle the unexpected. Learning how you both navigate those situations helps you understand how it will go in the future.

If you’ve taken a trip or two together and you can still stand to be together, you’re off to a great start.

This is becoming a bigger deal as people spend more time on social media. Your beau might not be into sharing his living space with the few thousand followers you’ve gained on assorted platforms.

There are safety and privacy concerns to take into consideration. Sometimes, careers don’t lend themselves to social media, or you must be very careful what you post. Teachers, lawyers, and other professionals whose credibility can be damaged are often wary of posting too much about their personal lives.

Can you be respectful of one another when it comes to social media? This is a conversation you need to have first.

Should I Move in with My Boyfriend? Have You Survived a Big Fight Yet?

No relationship exists without a disagreement from time to time. The question is how you both managed the situation.

There are ways to fight fair and solve disagreements without completely undoing the relationship. Surviving a big argument is a sign that you two can work through things together.

Learning how to recover from that big fight is huge when it comes to compatibility. Those tools will come in handy as your relationship progresses and more potential disagreements come along.

Do You Already Have Relationship Issues?

If your relationship is already fraught with issues, moving in together and making a bigger commitment to one another might not be your best next step.

Are the same issues coming up repeatedly? Why haven’t you worked it out yet? This is a big deal because whatever the issues are, they’ll be amplified when you live together and can’t each escape to your own homes.

If you’ve been able to work through things, great, but if you keep rehashing the same stuff over and over, moving in together isn’t the right next step for you. Instead, you should work on why these issues aren’t being resolved.

Should I Move in with My Boyfriend? Are You on the Same Page About Your Future?

Some people are okay with moving in together and keeping the status quo. For others, marriage is the goal, somewhere down the road.

Make sure you know where he stands on this and whether that aligns with your dreams and plans.

Don’t compromise either, just because you want to be with this guy. If you want marriage and kids and he wants to spend his life traveling the world and living with you, it might be time for a breakup conversation instead of a moving-in conversation.

Are You Moving in Because You Want to?

Families can apply a lot of pressure in your relationship. A well-meaning mother or aunt might be applying a lot of pressure for the two of you to move in together or take your relationship to the next level.

This should be something you’re doing because you both want to, not because there is external pressure to do so.

Even if there is a child in the mix, that doesn’t mean you must move in together. Women cite this as their excuse more often than men, probably because it feels like it will bring more financial and emotional support.

If it will, fine, but if you’re doing it because your parents are pressuring you into it, it may not end well.

Should I Move in with My Boyfriend? Are You Both Willing to Allow the Other Independence?

Maintaining your friendships and hobbies is crucial to your mental well-being. It’s important that you both maintain a level of independence. Just because you’re moving in together doesn’t mean you need to be in front of one another 24/7. That’s unhealthy and you’ll get sick of one another quickly.

Be aware of the other person’s independence and yours and vow to allow each other to maintain that as you move forward.

So Gregg, Should I Move in with My Boyfriend?

Only you and your boyfriend can truly answer this question. You’ve read above some of the things to be aware of and the conversations you should have before you make that kind of commitment to one another.

Don’t go into it starstruck with rose-colored glasses on. Spend plenty of time having some of these difficult conversations first. It will save you some headaches and heartache down the road.

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Should I Date a Guy Who is Broke?

Understand Men

Dating a Poor Guy When You’re Not

Today I want to discuss a difficult topic: Should I date a guy who is broke? I recently got this question from Marge, who has met a guy she likes, but she’s concerned about his financials. “Gregg, he’s broke – Should I date a poor guy?”

My first response to dating a broke guy is an overwhelming no! When I provide relationship advice, through my book, To Date a Man, You Must Understand a Man, I describe this type of guy as a wet kitten.

Men are providers – it’s in our DNA. Money is important to completing what I call The Conveyor Belt to Manhood. This is the maturing process that men need to go through so they can function at a high level and become a high-value man.

This type of man can love.

There are exceptions. If he is a young man, studying hard in college with a future in his field, then okay, I get it. He might also be in between jobs for reasons that are not in his control. I get that too.

Should I date a guy who is broke?

But if this guy has no motivation and no prospects for a job then lose his furry ass! You can tell by his history and how he goes about his everyday life. A lazy free-loader can’t fake motivation for very long – he just can’t. And if your female intuition questions his “financial drive”, listen to her because she is right!

The Answer to “Should I Date a Guy Who is Broke?”

Look for these signs of a wet kitten:

He tends to watch a lot of TV and spends much of his time laying on the couch
Probably out of shape
He has blisters on his fingers that just happen to match up with the Xbox controller
His refrigerator (or his moms) is full of crap – no low fat yogurt in site
His apartment is usually trashed because he is too lazy to clean
He asks to borrow money in the first two weeks of knowing him
Date? Movie and pizza split Dutch treat – if you’re lucky
His couch seat imprint matches up directly to his butt
His credit cards are maxed
He hits the ATM every other day to withdraw ten bucks

Don’t waste your time dating a poor guy – You will regret it. If a guy works hard, you will find he works hard at other aspects in his life as well. He has to – it makes sense.

Financials are huge and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Life is tough enough without needing to support your 25- 35 year old boyfriend who hasn’t gone on an interview in four years.

Sure, he may counter this with a sexy blue eyes and a magical tongue but those things ain’t paying the rent or buying a Barbados vacation anytime soon!

“Should I date a guy who is broke?” I say no!

You might also enjoy reading these articles:

Is He a Keeper? Four Test Dates to Find Out

Should I Move In or Move On?

Should I Get a Boyfriend or a Dog?

The True Story of a Successful Long-Distance Relationship

Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

A Long Distance Relationship Story

Hi, Gregg here with another long distance relationship story from a reader. This one comes from Emerson, who wanted to share with you her story of a successful long distance relationship. I always encourage you, my readers, to send me your stories. Only with your permission will I publish them, so don’t worry. Your stories are otherwise confidential!

Hi, my name is Emerson. When was the last time you got a handwritten love letter? I get them more often than most women do. Now let me ask you this, when was the last time you kissed your love? Probably this morning before he or she went off to work, right? Mine was three months ago when I dropped him off at the airport to go back to his duty station 3,000 miles away. Crazy, huh? How do I do it? How can that actually work? Trust me; I’ve heard all the questions.

Long Distance Relationship Stories

It started six years ago when my husband was on shore duty in the Navy. During shore duty he is on land and doesn’t have to go to sea for three years. We met through an online dating site and knew pretty early it was going to be something special. He was such a romantic. He surprised me with a trip to Disney World on our third date. Go ahead ladies, drool. I had found my keeper! When things got serious we had the discussion of when he would relocate and go back to sea. I have children from a previous marriage and share joint custody with my ex-husband. Moving with the Navy wasn’t an option.

As much as you prepare yourself (or try to prepare yourself) for the change, you’re never really ready. It was the hardest thing to put him on that plane knowing it would be months before I saw him again. Even worse, he is on a submarine so it limits our contact while he’s away. They don’t have phones down there and I’m not a mermaid.

I was always a believer that Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) would never work. Like Gregg says in the fashion of Yoda, do or do not, there is no try. Of course what he actually said was, “make a commitment or call it off, there is no room for the in-between.” But, same thing. There is no truer statement. You have to be all in or it will never work, but if your love can pass the test of physical separation, you will have a bond with true staying power.

I have learned in the three years living 3,000 miles apart from my husband that our love has actually grown stronger. “Distance in miles doesn’t have to mean distance in affection”, as Gregg put it in his book, Committed to Love, Separated by Distance. Since my husband moved, we have become so much more affectionate. Toward the end of three years of living together, before the move, we began to take each other for granted. He was busy with his life and I was busy with mine. We would have the meaningless, “How was your day?” conversation and kiss before we turned out the light. It was going through the motions. Being forced apart actually brought us together.

The transition wasn’t easy, but we learned ways to make it work. In the beginning it was hard to figure out what to say. It was like we were having the same stale conversation again and again. We had to figure a way to break through that. Luckily with the help of Gregg we did. Now, we have virtual date nights Skyping while we watch our favorite TV shows together (of course, they are prerecorded since we are on a three hour time difference). I found a fun website with a list of interesting questions and asked my husband a different question each day from the list. We send handwritten love letters and care packages out of the blue. When we do get to spend time together physically, we don’t take a moment of that for granted. It’s almost like the “honeymoon phase” of our early romance. We understand how important it is to maintain a strong connection.

While he is away at sea we don’t get those phone calls or FaceTime. Those are the hardest. I keep a journal for him. I write him love letters every day (like a real life version of The Notebook, minus the dementia part). I make notes of funny things in entertainment news, viral videos he would love, and general happenings that he is missing while he is submerged under the sea.

I am an alligator wrestler (in the words of Gregg). I do what people believe can’t be done. I have a happy and fulfilled marriage to a wonderful man who happens to live 3,000 miles away from me. True love knows no geographical bounds. No relationship is perfect, but if it is worth having, it is worth fighting for. Life’s roughest storms prove the strength of our anchors, and our love has proven it is tough enough to withstand a hurricane. The countdown is on for his return, for good this time. He will be relocating back home to me this fall and we cannot wait! Our family marks off the calendar each day in anticipation of his return. Now, to transition back to living under the same roof after three years apart… I may to seek out some help from Gregg on that! – Emerson

Do have a long distance relationship story that you would like to share? Do have tips that might others? Please comment below or contact me directly at Gregg@WhoHoldsTheCardsNow.com

Top 10 Texting Blunders Women Make

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Texting mistakes that turn guys off are not always obvious to women. That’s because women text guys like they text other women and don’t understand how the male “texting mind” works. These texting blunders can be fixed with a few simple tips.

In my dating advice, like that given in my best seller, Power Texting Men, texting men is all about flirting, building excitement and getting a guy to the next date. But many women treat it as much more and that is not a good thing! I have compiled my top 10 texting blunders below.

Texting Mistakes that Turn Guys Off: You don’t change up when you text

Don’t text him every morning at 9 and each night before bed at 11. That shouts, “I lead a boring, scheduled life.” Keep him on his toes by texting him at different times of day.

Drunk texting

Need I say more? We have all done it – and regretted it. Shut down your phone, give it to your girlfriend or leave it inside your car. He doesn’t need to be told “I love you” 14 times.

Texting like he is your girlfriend

Ah, no. Don’t contact him and tell him about your day at the mall. He does not want to know how much money you saved by buying 10 pairs of shoes instead of 5. Victoria’s Secret? That’s a different text all together!

Texting Mistakes that Turn Guys Off

Texting like a 10 year old

“SRSLY! BTW, wut u doin 2nite?” Please! You are going to make me puke. Yes, it was cute when we were both were 10, but not now. Do this now and we are on to greener texting pastures.

Sexting

Yet another bad idea. Sites are popping up all over the place that long for these naked pics so men can get even with their ex’s. Don’t do it. If you must, then no head shots. Maybe show a little cleavage or low panty lines – this gets guys even more horny.

Texting that leads nowhere

Don’t text him something like, “Wow, a just saw a cool car go by.” I’m thinking, who cares? How am I supposed to respond to that? And yet, I must. Again, texting is for flirting, getting to a date or building excitement between dates – and that’s it!

Texting Blunders: You went too heavy!

No. No! And NO! Never tell a man serious crap by texting. “Where are we headed in this relationship” or “I love you more than ever today” is not for texting. In fact, it should never happen anyway but do it in a text and you will be buying my book, How to Get Your Ex Back Fast!

The apology text

This is similar to the last one, but it stands alone because it is so awful! Never apologize to man, and this includes JK (just kidding), unless you run over his dog in his driveway.

Learn how to start a text conversation with a guy

Double and triple texting

Not good. This makes you look desperate. If you ask him a question and he doesn’t respond, don’t ask again or say, “Did you get my text?” Of course he got your text. Be a high-value woman and shut it down until he texts you. This a common texting mistake that turns a guy off.

Chat room texting

Don’t rapid text like you are Skyping or IM’ing. Texting is a slow process, or it should be on your end. Slow it down and text back minutes, hours, days or even weeks later.

Avoid these 10 texting blunders and watch the men on the opposite end of your text start making these 10 mistakes!!! This is a good thing.

For more texting tips Click Here!

Sex and the new relationship: When is the right time for sex?

Build a Great Relationship, Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

Gregg today and I have a guest post to share with you. This one comes from someone you’ve heard from before, Amber, who shared her relationship story with us a couple of weeks ago. She has a great topic to share with you today! Amber will help answer this age-old question: When is the right time for sex? Hey ladies, Amber here! You’ve heard the old adage, “Why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?” Well, maybe there’s some truth to that. Taking it slow can actually be a good thing in a new relationship, even if he is incredibly irresistible. WebMD and relationship experts, including Gregg, overwhelmingly agree a cautious approach to sex is best when dating. In fact, they believe jumping into the sack too soon can lead to some seriously emotional (and possibly even physical) consequences. It takes time to get to know another person, and it’s especially hard to see what he is really all about when you get lost in the heat of passion. What if he’s not such a good guy? What if he sleeps around? Can you trust him? Is he looking for a committed, monogamous relationship? Or just sex. Have you known him long enough to REALLY know? The sad truth is, men are wired to want to have sex — to conquer as many women as possible and spread their seed. Yes, even the nice guys…. at first. A woman is wired differently. We want to have the love of just one man and a family to nurture. If you let a guy “conquer” you too quickly, he will move on to the next woman just as quickly. But if you are a challenge, he will pursue you. And when he finally wins you, he will cherish and honor you. You will become his ultimate prize. I know, it all sounds so primitive and primal, but it’s also pretty accurate. Sleeping with a man on the first, or even after the third or fourth date, is probably too soon. Intelligent, confident women should know this, but still, we sometimes fall prey to their wily ways. A player is always going to play, but a good guy may just end up marrying you if you wait until you KNOW he is genuinely in love with you, and is committed to only you. So let’s say you meet a guy you are really attracted to. You’ve been on a bunch of dates and have great conversations. Time passes, and you both feel a real connection, emotionally and physically. You may even be thinking this guy could possibly be THE ONE. Whenever you’re together your feelings grow even stronger, and you may be wondering when to take your relationship to the next level. When is the right time to get to know him intimately? When the time is right, you’ll both know. You can’t plan it, and you wouldn’t want to. But remember, in any relationship, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open no matter what. If you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. So if you really are thinking about taking that next step together (to the bedroom) and the time is right, have an honest conversation about what you want out of this relationship and where you two are headed. STDs also need to be discussed (condoms should be used, even in a committed relationship). Be up front now about ALL your concerns and expectations, before it’s too late. If he really cares about you, he won’t mind. You don’t want to get your heart broken, and you certainly don’t want an accidental pregnancy. It can happen, even if it’s just one time, and even if you’re careful. Sex might be fun, but raising a child on your own, or being tied FOREVER to the wrong guy, is probably not so fun. Dating can be difficult. Even though your brain tells you to wait as long as you can with a guy, sometimes the heat of the moment takes over, and “as long as you can” becomes RIGHT NOW! If you decide a one-night stand is fine by you, be up front with the guy and make your intentions clear. You should treat him the same way you would want to be treated. Guys can get their hearts broken too, you know. On the other hand, if you are looking for a committed relationship that will go the distance, make sure you have an emotional connection, not just a physical one, and it will be worth the wait. Making love is way better than just sex. And sex changes everything…. Hopefully in a good way! My new eBook, Manimals: Understanding Different Types of Men and How To Date Them, is all about the different types of men, their traits, their likes and dislikes, the pros and cons of dating them, and whether or not they’re even datable at all (hint: some aren’t). And it isn’t your typical book. Manimals is interactive, including infographics and videos that help bring the information to life — plus you’ll have the chance to tell YOUR story! Women who purchase this book will have the option of sharing how they successfully, or not so successfully, dealt with a Manimal, and be part of the story! Each month, I will update the book with new submissions. There’s no telling how big this book could become! Instructions will be included in the book on how to update your purchase each month so you can see won’t miss a thing.

Ainsley’s Story: How I Survived a 12-Year Marriage to the Wrong Man

Understand Men

Hi, it’s Gregg. In advance of Manimals being published soon, I wanted to share another of my readers’ stories about dating a man. With her permission, here is Ainsley’s story. Funny how when you’re young you think you have it all worked out, right? You have this grand plan and nothing can derail it. You will graduate high school, go to college and have a great time, land your dream job, meet Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, make some babies to fill your house on the corner lot (with the white picket fence and golden retriever, of course), and live happily ever after. What could possibly go wrong? But when there is a wrench thrown into your plans, you can come unglued. Here I was twenty years old, my whole life ahead of me, still time to live out my grand plan. But you know what they say about the best-laid plans. It started when I went to the doctor for my annual checkup and the doctor says to me, “You know, with your family history, if you don’t have kids early, you may never get the chance.” Kids! I was twenty years old at the time. I hadn’t even thought about kids yet. All of a sudden my biological clock was in hyper drive. It didn’t occur to me to stop and ask, “What’s your definition of early?” Being the planner I am, I set out with one goal in mind: find a man who had the qualities I wanted to see in my children. It didn’t take long. It was a chance meeting, in fact. He was perfect. He was seven years older, established and ready to settle down, pretty good looking, and had a degree in engineering from a great school, with a job at a big time company. He was the definition of a “grown up.” I asked him out. Yes, I’m a very headstrong, confident, independent woman, so that’s what I do, I ask guys out. Up until this point I hadn’t really dated anyone seriously. Like ever. I was too busy living life. I didn’t want to be tied to anyone in particular before then. He said yes to my date and we went out. After about six months, talk had turned to getting married. It was a whirlwind romance. We were together nonstop. My world was centered on him and our future. Finally the ring came, and wow, what a rock! I was so excited. I was yelling it from the rooftops, “I’m in love and getting married to this awesome man!” My mom and I started planning the wedding almost immediately. I remember the day the invitations came in the mail. I was so busy with checklists and to-dos I hadn’t even really had time to process everything that was happening. I opened the box to make sure everything was in order and that’s when it hit me. I was about to get married! I started second guessing everything. Is he really the right guy for me? Am I too young? I sat cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor with a box of invitations in my lap bawling. I finally pulled myself together and gave myself a pep talk in the mirror. I chalked it up to cold feet and never gave it a second thought. Fast-forward five years. I’m standing at the sink brushing my teeth. As I’m looking at myself in the mirror it hits me like a ton of bricks. I’m with this man FOREVER. Talk about a freak out moment! The little things in the beginning that seemed cute were now a real strain. At first it was, “You should wear your hair like this,” or “This outfit would look really great on you,” but somewhere along the line it grew into, “What did you spend $1.29 on at the gas station and do you REALLY need to go out with your friends tonight, where will you be going, who will you be with, and when will you be home?” I recognized myself less and less until I didn’t even know the person standing in front of the mirror brushing her teeth. My identity had become him. I hadn’t only made him my hobby; I’d made him my life! What happened to the confident girl? I think I had always known that he wasn’t really the right guy for me, but I thought I could make it work. At this point we had one child and were working on a second. No one in my family had ever gotten divorced, so I didn’t know what else to do but to carry on. Smile and pretend everything is great and it will be, or so I had hoped. After a dozen long years of grinning and bearing it through a miserable marriage, I stopped kidding myself. I started to slowly rebuild me. I finally began to realize that confident girl was still there and I was quality. I could choose my men, and I did not settle to be chosen. No more would I make my life all about another man. I got back on the horse and after nearly 15 years of being out of the dating scene, I went on my first date. Then another. And another. Just like Gregg teaches, men want a confident woman who has her own life, and he is right. I could have my pick of guys. They were crawling out of the woodwork to date me. ME! Could you believe it? A single mother of three in her 30’s who hadn’t dated in over a decade and a half had suitors knocking. I was Middle Aged and Kickin’ It! Finally deciding to leave my unhappy marriage was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make, but finding myself again made it all worthwhile.

Creating Challenge in a Relationship: A True Story About a Girl and 3 Guys

Understand Men

Hello. Gregg here with another reader story about a guy- or in this case – 3 guys. This story comes from Amber, who agreed to let me share her story. She will tell you why you should be creating challenge in your relationships!

I had my first boyfriend in 8^th grade. We held hands on the bus, and broke up right before the big Middle School Dance. I dated guys here and there throughout high school, but nothing serious. Football players, skateboarders, musicians — the usual stereotypical high school guys. Then, in my junior year, I met a guy through the drama club. He had the lead in the school play and all the girls were in love with him. He was a total Momma’s Boy. So much so that after we finally broke up, his mom called me and said (yelled) some pretty awful things — to me. This was despite the fact that I found out her son had cheated on me not once, but twice, and followed an incident where we had a big argument in his Trans Am – when I finally told him it was over, he left me on the side of the road and drove off! Talk about drama. The relationship lasted 6 months.

My next boyfriend was the Cool Guy. I had a crush on him since 9^th grade and then, senior year of high school, we finally started dating. He played guitar in a grunge band and was the typical moody artist. Total narcissist. He always put himself first — and his friends. I came in third. But he was just so cool. I knew if I broke it off, some other girl would be waiting to pounce on him. We dated for a year and carried over into freshman year of college, until one time, I came home to visit him and he already had plans with his buddies. That was the end of that. I finally lifted that cloud from my eyes and dumped him, then spent the weekend venting to my girlfriends.

Fast forward to sophomore year in college. I went on some dates but never really found a guy that kept my interest. Until I met him – It was love at first sight — for real. After some chance meetings, small talk, and wistful glances across the room on both our parts, he asked me out. We went to the movies and then for coffee. We were so in love, we talked about getting married on our first date! It was a whirlwind after that. We were together 24-7 and life revolved around our relationship. You can guess what happened next. After about 6-months, he decided he needed a break — from me. His schoolwork was suffering and (since he got a great girl like me) he wanted to see what else was out there. Seriously. I gave him an ego boost. Just like Gregg warns us in To Date a Man, You Must Understand A Man, I wasn’t a challenge.

Now, here’s where it get’s good. Instead of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I hung up the phone with him, and invited some girlfriends over for a sleepover party. We drank wine and watched rom-coms, and I did not give him a second thought. I finally had the confidence to realize I was a quality girl who could have my pick of guys. I was the Chooser. I made it all about him, when it should have been me. The next weekend, I went out on a date with a super hot guy. The weekend after that, another date with another super hot guy. Of course, word got out to him that I had already moved on, and the little green monster did his thing. This man finally realized what he had and what he threw away. And after our two-week split, he actually came back and apologized.

Long story short, we did get back together. He had my heart but he had to earn back my trust. And he did – in time. Now he’s my husband.

All Aboard the Train to Relationship Failure

Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

We all have relationship stories to share, some good, some bad. In my new book, Manimals, coming out soon, one of the things I talk about is why we choose the wrong mate. In the book, I will be asking you, my readers, to share your experiences, good or bad, with different types of men. This story comes today from one of my faithful readers, Susannah.

Susannah’s Story

My story begins longer ago than I would like to admit – 36 years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school. I had a small group of friends – 3 girls and 3 guys with a few on the periphery. The girl across the street, we’ll call her Amy, was dating one of the guys on the periphery, and one day, right before we went bowling, they broke up.

I was drawn to him like a fly to a pile of…well, you know what. I was severely lacking in confidence for reasons too numerous to go into here. Suffice it to say I had little confidence. Like most 16 year olds, I had little idea of what I believed in, what I wanted out of life, or anything else for that matter. He seemed to me to have it all together. He was good-looking, a bit of a goof-off, but not too bad, smart and he worked out. Hubba hubba.

I’ll sum up our high school dating years by saying that we dated from that day at the bowling alley through to graduation, with a short break in our senior year. BIG mistake, looking back, but I since I had no confidence, I felt that no other guy would ever want to date me, so I hung onto him and fought hard for him when he decided to date Karen, and then Diane. Ultimately, I “won”, or at least I thought so back then-what I really did was board the train to relationship failure. My parents hated my dating him, their feelings were no great secret.

We went to different colleges, but they were only about 45 minutes away from each other, so we still saw one another quite a bit. On Christmas of our freshman year of college, we were engaged. By the following December, we were welcoming our first daughter into the world – married somewhere in between. Our son was born 2 years later, immediately before my husband graduated from college.

Our marriage survived for 12 years before the divorce that was inevitable came about. By then, we had three daughters and a son, ranging in age from 2 to 11. A wave of relief washed over me the day he said he was leaving. I knew I was miserable, but I had no idea just how miserable I had become.

What ultimately broke us up was that, throughout the prior 4 years or so, I had begun volunteering at the private school our children attended. I developed hobbies, friendships and a sense of self-worth. Since he still had none, and had survived on being the controlling force in our relationship, me gaining confidence just didn’t make things work anymore.

Looking back on it, it is easy to dissect why we failed. I didn’t know myself – at all, and neither did he. We both lacked confidence in a big way, and had many issues to deal with – things we should have dealt with before jumping into a relationship.

Gregg’s Notes

Ken really doesn’t fall into one of the ten categories of men I included in Manimals. If I had to label him, I’d say he fits into a category called The Control Freak. The Control Freak can be described as someone who feels only he can do something the right way. He issues constructive criticism, thinking he’s helping, when of course, he’s not. The truth behind a control freak is that he is suffering from a case of anxiety. Inside the head of a control freak are what I call ultimate doom thoughts:

If this job doesn’t get done in exactly 15 minutes, I’ll get fired
If I am not home to play with my kids by 6, they will hate me
If I don’t get a raise, we won’t be able to afford to live

Here are a few signs that someone is a control freak:

He believes that if you could just change one or two things about yourself, he would be happier; the control freak therefore takes it upon himself to help you make those changes;
He does not believe in imperfection, so he micromanages you to make sure you are perfectly executing every aspect of your life;
He punishes you with silence – using this as a tool to modify your behavior when he feels that you are behaving in a wrong way; this is called passive aggressive behavior;
He offers constructive criticism as a means of trying to modify your behavior, when really, his agenda is foremost in his mind;
He attempts to manage your impression of him by changing what he believes in or who he is to fit what they think you want:
Do I like horror movies? Sure I do – oh, you don’t – yeah, I think they’re lame too;
He uses something called fear mongering to dissuade you from doing things you want to do – he presents a worst-case scenario and hopes it influences your decision:
You know, if you take this job, you won’t be home for the kids and they will start hating you;
He needs to know everything, ambiguity is the worst nightmare of a control freak – if you are going to the grocery store, he wants to see your list, estimate how long you will be gone and your travel time, and will expect you to be back at exactly the moment he has calculated; anything else will cause him to pop a cork – by the way, he can come and go as he pleases;
He helps you by intervening in situations, trying to explain behaviors of yours that he perceives to be unacceptable.

The control freak is sort of an odd name for this type of person who, in reality, feels he has very little control over his life. He lives in fear of someone discovering that he is somewhat less than perfect, and uses the above tactics to ensure this doesn’t happen.

The Rest of Susannah’s Story

When you are in the somewhat less-than-capable hands of a control freak, you probably don’t realize it, but others around you do. My ex-husband had trouble controlling anger. He never hit one of our children, or me, but he used emotional abuse as a weapon – and it is every bit as bad as physical abuse. My parents saw it – everybody around us saw it, everyone except me, that is.

I have been divorced from him now for 20 years. It took me many years to truly gain the confidence I needed to move ahead in life. Meanwhile, I continued to choose the wrong men to be around, but I have never remarried. I will, some day. I finally feel that I am prepared to make a good choice!

The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating in the Workplace

Understand Men

There is something exciting about an office romance. Maybe he’s the gorgeous new guy who makes your heart race and distracts you from your deadline, or the sweet, adorable man with whom you work closely day in and day out. Regardless of where you find him, eventually, the sparks fly and you can’t deny the attraction any longer.

Since most of our time is spent at the office, it’s not surprising that dating a colleague happens pretty often. In fact, according to a recent survey of 8,000 employees, conducted by the job-search website CareerBuilder.com, four out of 10 people have dated someone they work with.

Add to that the Payscale office romance report that shows one out of five people who gave inter-office relationships a shot ended up marrying their coworker, and you may be tempted to try it yourself! However, there are some smart rules to follow before you dive in.

Do Follow The Company Policy On Dating

Every company is different and you need to be sure you aren’t violating any corporate regulations that could jeopardize your job and negatively impact your professional career. Many organizations have no-fraternization policies, so you need to decide if dating the guy is worth the risk of getting fired, if that is the case. If dating is allowed, do be open and honest, and be sure to notify your boss first before everyone else finds out. You don’t need to go into the details of your love life, but you and your coworker need to professionally acknowledge that you are dating so your supervisor is not caught off guard.

Do Set Rules From The Start

Before you and your colleague head down this path, it’s a good idea to have a discussion about what is appropriate and what is not. Even if you are open about the relationship, posting pictures and sharing TMI (too much information) on social media is a big no-no. The same should go for physical displays of affection in front of your coworkers (hot and heavy kissing and the innocent stuff like hugging and holding hands). Skip the cutesy terms of endearment. Keep it professional at the office, and work–related social gatherings — this even includes happy hour with your coworkers, no matter how difficult that may be!

Don’t Date The Boss

This is a BIG one. Dating someone higher on the office ladder than you can only lead to trouble, especially if he is the person you report to. If you seriously can’t resist each other, request to report to someone else or find another job. You need to be careful in this kind if situation, to avoid heated arguments and hard feelings within the relationship, or accusations of favoritism from coworkers who feel threatened by your relationship. It’s easy to become the target of office gossip when the boss is your main squeeze, and sadly you may be accused of using sex to get ahead, even though it’s just not true.

Don’t Bring Work Home

It’s hard not to talk shop when the day is done, but working together is not the only aspect of your relationship. Keeping the focus on work is a sure-fire way to fizzle out fast. You have to keep it professional at the office, but your private, personal time is a whole different story. On a separate note, spending all day and all night together can be too much of a good thing. It’s easy to get caught up in a new relationship, but don’t neglect the other aspects of your life, especially when dating a coworker. Carving out time for yourself, having lunch with a friend, or planning a girl’s night out is actually good for your relationship. Just don’t spend the entire time talking about your great new guy!

Some Final Thoughts

Although you may find the love of your life in the cubicle next to you, not all office romances end happily. If the relationship doesn’t work out, you still have to see that person every day — and work with him. Even if he was a total jerk, take the high road and don’t vent to coworkers about your negative feelings. Don’t fume or mope around, and don’t let your personal issues get in the way of your professional working relationship. You are both adults, so hopefully he will have the same respect for you. And if you follow my advice, you will attract a quality man in no time — in or out of the office.