All Aboard the Train to Relationship Failure

Written ByGregg Michaelsen

Gregg grew up just as many others – in a dysfunctional, but loving family. After going through years of failed relationships, he set out to decode dating for women by interviewing happy couples, unhappy couples, singles looking for ‘the one’ and everyone in between. He combined all of this information into his series of dating advice books for men and women.

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We all have relationship stories to share, some good, some bad. In my new book, Manimals, coming out soon, one of the things I talk about is why we choose the wrong mate. In the book, I will be asking you, my readers, to share your experiences, good or bad, with different types of men. This story comes today from one of my faithful readers, Susannah.

Susannah’s Story

My story begins longer ago than I would like to admit – 36 years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school. I had a small group of friends – 3 girls and 3 guys with a few on the periphery. The girl across the street, we’ll call her Amy, was dating one of the guys on the periphery, and one day, right before we went bowling, they broke up.

I was drawn to him like a fly to a pile of…well, you know what. I was severely lacking in confidence for reasons too numerous to go into here. Suffice it to say I had little confidence. Like most 16 year olds, I had little idea of what I believed in, what I wanted out of life, or anything else for that matter. He seemed to me to have it all together. He was good-looking, a bit of a goof-off, but not too bad, smart and he worked out. Hubba hubba.

I’ll sum up our high school dating years by saying that we dated from that day at the bowling alley through to graduation, with a short break in our senior year. BIG mistake, looking back, but I since I had no confidence, I felt that no other guy would ever want to date me, so I hung onto him and fought hard for him when he decided to date Karen, and then Diane. Ultimately, I “won”, or at least I thought so back then-what I really did was board the train to relationship failure. My parents hated my dating him, their feelings were no great secret.

We went to different colleges, but they were only about 45 minutes away from each other, so we still saw one another quite a bit. On Christmas of our freshman year of college, we were engaged. By the following December, we were welcoming our first daughter into the world – married somewhere in between. Our son was born 2 years later, immediately before my husband graduated from college.

Our marriage survived for 12 years before the divorce that was inevitable came about. By then, we had three daughters and a son, ranging in age from 2 to 11. A wave of relief washed over me the day he said he was leaving. I knew I was miserable, but I had no idea just how miserable I had become.

What ultimately broke us up was that, throughout the prior 4 years or so, I had begun volunteering at the private school our children attended. I developed hobbies, friendships and a sense of self-worth. Since he still had none, and had survived on being the controlling force in our relationship, me gaining confidence just didn’t make things work anymore.

Looking back on it, it is easy to dissect why we failed. I didn’t know myself – at all, and neither did he. We both lacked confidence in a big way, and had many issues to deal with – things we should have dealt with before jumping into a relationship.

Gregg’s Notes

Ken really doesn’t fall into one of the ten categories of men I included in Manimals. If I had to label him, I’d say he fits into a category called The Control Freak. The Control Freak can be described as someone who feels only he can do something the right way. He issues constructive criticism, thinking he’s helping, when of course, he’s not. The truth behind a control freak is that he is suffering from a case of anxiety. Inside the head of a control freak are what I call ultimate doom thoughts:

If this job doesn’t get done in exactly 15 minutes, I’ll get fired
If I am not home to play with my kids by 6, they will hate me
If I don’t get a raise, we won’t be able to afford to live

Here are a few signs that someone is a control freak:

He believes that if you could just change one or two things about yourself, he would be happier; the control freak therefore takes it upon himself to help you make those changes;
He does not believe in imperfection, so he micromanages you to make sure you are perfectly executing every aspect of your life;
He punishes you with silence – using this as a tool to modify your behavior when he feels that you are behaving in a wrong way; this is called passive aggressive behavior;
He offers constructive criticism as a means of trying to modify your behavior, when really, his agenda is foremost in his mind;
He attempts to manage your impression of him by changing what he believes in or who he is to fit what they think you want:
Do I like horror movies? Sure I do – oh, you don’t – yeah, I think they’re lame too;
He uses something called fear mongering to dissuade you from doing things you want to do – he presents a worst-case scenario and hopes it influences your decision:
You know, if you take this job, you won’t be home for the kids and they will start hating you;
He needs to know everything, ambiguity is the worst nightmare of a control freak – if you are going to the grocery store, he wants to see your list, estimate how long you will be gone and your travel time, and will expect you to be back at exactly the moment he has calculated; anything else will cause him to pop a cork – by the way, he can come and go as he pleases;
He helps you by intervening in situations, trying to explain behaviors of yours that he perceives to be unacceptable.

The control freak is sort of an odd name for this type of person who, in reality, feels he has very little control over his life. He lives in fear of someone discovering that he is somewhat less than perfect, and uses the above tactics to ensure this doesn’t happen.

The Rest of Susannah’s Story

When you are in the somewhat less-than-capable hands of a control freak, you probably don’t realize it, but others around you do. My ex-husband had trouble controlling anger. He never hit one of our children, or me, but he used emotional abuse as a weapon – and it is every bit as bad as physical abuse. My parents saw it – everybody around us saw it, everyone except me, that is.

I have been divorced from him now for 20 years. It took me many years to truly gain the confidence I needed to move ahead in life. Meanwhile, I continued to choose the wrong men to be around, but I have never remarried. I will, some day. I finally feel that I am prepared to make a good choice!

Life Plan Tip: Assess Your Current Situation

Now that you understand your vision and goals, it’s time to assess your current situation. First, take a deep dive into where you stand right now. Then, evaluate both your personal and professional life. What’s working well? What areas need improvement?

Reflect on your past achievements. Celebrating the goals you’ve met can provide a sense of accomplishment and motivate you to keep pushing forward. Identify what you did right and the strategies that led to your success. Conversely, acknowledge what held you back from achieving other goals and what you might need to change.

Next, assess the resources and tools you currently have at your disposal. Do you have a strong support system, either personally or professionally? If not, consider establishing one. Having people you can rely on for advice, help, and encouragement is invaluable.

This is where having a personal growth coach can help.

Communication also plays a critical role in assessing your situation. Ask open-ended questions to gather more information about areas you need to improve. Improving your communication skills—like paying attention to your tone of voice, making eye contact, and actively listening—can significantly affect how you interact with others and achieve your goals.

Don’t forget the practical side of things. Using a work management tool as your central source of truth can help you monitor your progress consistently. With everything in one place, you’ll be better equipped to track your achievements and identify areas where you might be falling behind.

By thoroughly assessing your current situation, you’ll have a clear understanding of where you stand. This foundational step will ensure that your life plan is both realistic and achievable.

Identifying Key Areas of Your Life

Identifying key areas of your life is an important step in creating a well-rounded life plan. To do this, look at different areas of your life and determine which are most important to you. Common areas include:

Career: Consider where you are now and where you want to be. What milestones do you want to achieve?
Health: Focus on both physical and mental well-being. What health goals will help you live a longer, happier life?
Relationships: Reflect on the quality of your relationships with family, friends, and significant others. How can you strengthen them?
Personal Development: Think about the skills and knowledge you want to acquire. What are your passions and interests?
Finance: Evaluate your current financial situation and set goals for managing your money better.
Recreation: Identify hobbies and activities that bring you joy. How can you incorporate more leisure time into your life?

By breaking down your life into these key categories, you can create specific and actionable goals for each. Remember, the purpose of this exercise is not to overwhelm you but to give you a holistic view of your aspirations.

You won’t work on every area at once, but will focus on the most important areas first. Those are usually the areas that will have a positive impact on other areas. For example, getting your financial house in order will have a positive impact on your ability to enjoy hobbies, travel, buy your dream home or car, and more.

Setting SMARTER Goals

Many people have learned the fundamentals of SMART goals, which you read about above, but I encourage you to set SMARTER goals. This means adding two key elements: Evaluated and Revised.

Evaluated: Regularly assess your progress toward each goal. This doesn’t just give you a clear picture of how far you’ve come, but also lets you quickly spot any setbacks. Ask yourself questions like, “What milestones have I reached?”, “What challenges have I faced?”, and “Am I on track to achieve my goal within the set timeframe?”

Revised: Your goals should never be set in stone. Life is dynamic, and your goals should be flexible enough to adapt to new circumstances. Maybe you’ve discovered a more efficient way to reach your goal, or perhaps external factors have changed your timeline. Be open to making adjustments as needed to stay on course.

Consider this example: Suppose your goal is to run a marathon. Here’s how you can make it SMARTER:

Specific: Complete a marathon race.
Measurable: Track your progress using a running app.
Achievable: Train progressively, starting with short runs and increasing the distance over time.
Relevant: Align this goal with your broader aim of improving overall fitness and health.
Timely: Set a target date for the marathon, such as six months from now.
Evaluated: Check your progress weekly to see how your training is going.
Revised: Adjust your training plan if you encounter injuries or need more time to prepare.

Adopting the SMARTER framework in your goal-setting strategy ensures that your life plan remains relevant, realistic, and achievable. It also provides a structured yet flexible approach to personal development, giving you the best chance of success in all your endeavors.

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Life Plan Tip: Create Actionable Steps

Breaking down your goals into manageable, actionable steps makes a world of difference. Take each of your SMARTER goals and map the steps needed to accomplish them. Imagine you’re drawing a roadmap; each action is a milestone leading you closer to your destination.

For example, if your goal is to run a marathon by the end of the year, your actionable steps might include:

Researching marathon training programs
Creating a weekly running schedule
Registering for a local marathon
Joining a running group for support and motivation

Each step should be clear and concise, making it easier to follow through. Writing these down not only clarifies the path forward but also serves as a motivational tool. There’s something satisfying about crossing items off your list!

Additionally, consider leveraging a work management tool to keep track of your progress. Apps or a calendar can keep you organized and provides a sense of accountability as you see your progress over time.

Remember, the reason for actionable steps is to reduce overwhelm. By breaking down your goals into smaller tasks, you transform intimidating objectives into achievable, motivating milestones.

Organizing tasks by their importance and urgency can be an effective method of categorizing your to-do list. Many people set a top three list for each day to help them stay on task.

Once you’ve categorized your activities, incorporate them into your daily routine. A calendar or app might help you track progress and adjust priorities as needed. Some tools come with features that allow you to set deadlines, assign tasks, and monitor completion rates, all of which are essential to maintaining focus and momentum.

Try a few to see which one works for you. New apps are coming out all of the time. Or if you’re the creative type, try a bullet journal.

Remember to balance your workload. While it’s tempting to tackle high-priority tasks first, mixing in some less urgent tasks prevents burnout. For example, after a challenging project, switch to a lighter task to give yourself a mental break. This way, you sustain productivity and stay engaged and motivated.

Establishing a Timeline

Creating a timeline is essential for turning your goals into reality. To do this, you’ll set a deadline for each of your goals, which helps maintain momentum and accountability. A well-defined timeline offers a clear picture of what needs to be accomplished and by when, making it easier to stay on track.

Here’s how you can establish a timeline for your life plan:

Break Down Goals: Divide your larger goals into smaller, more manageable tasks. This makes it less overwhelming and offers frequent opportunities for progress checks.
Set Deadlines: Assign a specific deadline to each task. Ensure these deadlines are realistic to avoid unnecessary stress. For instance, if you want to improve your communication skills, you might set a three-month deadline to complete a workshop.
Utilize Tools: Use calendars, planners, or digital tools to visualize your timeline. This might include setting reminders or milestones to regularly assess your progress.
Review and Adjust: Periodically review your timeline to ensure it’s still relevant. Life is unpredictable, so be flexible and willing to adjust your deadlines if necessary.

Establishing a timeline gives you a structured plan to follow, enabling you to move forward with confidence and clarity. Stay proactive and keep your end goal in sight, and you’ll be well on your way to success!

Life Plan Tip: Building a Support System

Having a robust support system is crucial when creating a life plan you can follow. This network of people can provide you with encouragement, advice, and accountability, which are essential for staying on track and achieving your goals. Whether you’re working solo or as part of a team, the right support system can make all the difference in your success.

Who should be in your support system? Start with those who are closest to you. Family members, friends, mentors, and colleagues can offer invaluable perspectives and motivation. Additionally, consider joining groups or communities related to your goals—whether they’re professional organizations, local clubs, or online forums. These groups can introduce you to like-minded individuals who share similar dreams and challenges.

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One practical strategy is to improve your communication skills to foster stronger support relationships. Pay attention to your tone of voice, make eye contact when speaking, and actively listen to others. Techniques such as paraphrasing and displaying empathy can significantly enhance the quality of your interactions, making your support system more effective.

Finally, don’t forget the importance of regular check-ins. Monitor your progress and share updates with your support system. This keeps everyone informed and engaged, and offers a consistent measure of accountability. It’s also a great way to celebrate small wins, receive constructive feedback, and adjust your plan as needed.

Remember, building a support system is not a one-time task. It requires ongoing effort and nurturing. But the rewards—a network of people who are invested in your success—are absolutely worth it.

How do Successful People Maintain Their Life Plan?

It can be frustrating to try and try to get close to your life plan, all the while watching other people achieve and maintain theirs. What are their secrets?

The good news is they follow the steps outlined above. They set actionable, achievable goals, which they break down into smaller manageable tasks. Then, they track their progress and make the necessary adjustments.

The next strategy is one in which some folks stumble – self-discipline. Successful people prioritize their tasks and stick with their schedules, regardless of distractions or setbacks. By exercising self-discipline, successful people stay focused on their goals and consistently work toward their goals.

By regularly reviewing and adjusting their plan, they can assess their progress and determine what is and isn’t working. A great goal-setting strategy involves these regular assessments and adjustments to stay on track.

One strategy that is key in achieving a life plan is accountability. Successful people share their goals with people they trust, like friends, mentors, or coaches who provide support, encouragement and constructive feedback. By having accountability in place, they stay motivated and motivated.

One step that often is cast aside is self-care and establishing a balance in your life. While marching toward your goals without stopping seems like the best course, a successful person knows the importance of self-care. Maintaining good physical and mental health enables you to manage stress effectively, stay sharp, and follow through on the life plan they have in place.

And the last thing successful people do is cultivate a growth mindset. Rather than viewing challenges and obstacles as setbacks, they see them as opportunities to learn and grow. By adopting this positive attitude, they’re more resilient and persistent in the face of those obstacles and able to continue striding toward their life plan.

Common Obstacles to Sticking to Your Life Plan

One common obstacle to your life plan is not setting clear and achievable goals. They’re too vague, overly ambitious, and have no way to measure progress.

If the goal is too ambitious or if it isn’t something you really want, you aren’t motivated, which is a huge obstacle. By setting SMARTER goals, you can overcome this.

Another obstacle is not having a structured routine. For me, not planning my week makes me feel unfocused. I fall behind on my goals and everything just feels loose and unsettled.

Create balance between work and relaxation and schedule time for self-care.

If you’re facing a task you don’t like or that feels too difficult, you’ll procrastinate. It’ll derail your life plan before you get started. Instead, develop strategies to battle procrastination, like breaking the task into smaller tasks and setting deadlines.

Sometimes, life gets in the way. Health issues, family emergencies and job loss make you feel dejected. Build flexibility into your plans and know you may need to alter your plans to accommodate for challenges.

If you battle stress and anxiety, you may struggle to stick to your life plan. By prioritizing self-care and seeking professional, you can manage these obstacles.

Sometimes, a financial restriction gets in your way. Furthering your education, starting a new business or joining a gym can be difficult if your finances are tight.

Evaluate your budget and trim or eliminate expenses to fit these things in. Explore funding options for your goals. In some cases, an employer will pay for you to advance your education if it benefits them too.

And finally, as mentioned previously, a lack of self-discipline can derail your life plan. Build your self-discipline by starting small. Take small, consistent actions and reward yourself for hitting those small milestones.

How to Track Your Life Plan Progress

One great way to track your progress is by using a journal or diary. Use this to reflect on your achievements or areas in which you need to adjust. This more personal and introspective approach helps you focus without judgment.

You can also use digital tools. There are too many to name, each with specific tools that will help you with your specific goals. Set up notifications and be sure to use date due features to remind you of where you should be focusing your attention.

Another tool some prefer to use is a spreadsheet. These enable you to create timelines, milestones and easily track metrics. You can update progress and have a visual representation of how well you’re doing.

A more creative tool is mind mapping, which will help you visualize your goal and map out the tasks. If you’re a creative person or someone who’s visual, this is a great way to work through things.

Regardless of which tool you use, regular assessments and reflection will help you stay on track. The key is setting aside time to make those assessments and evaluate where you are, what obstacles you are facing or may face in the future and how to hurdle over them successfully.

The more you do this, the easier it will be and the better you’ll become at doing it. If you find yourself behind, don’t be discouraged. Simply adjust your timeline to one that meets you where you are.

And Speaking of Adjusting…

You’ve read a few times now about adjusting, but what does it mean?

Regardless of what tools you choose, a regular assessment will help you stay on track. If you’re journaling, it’s helpful to go back through your journal after a month and look for key phrases or moods.

For example, if you find yourself writing about being frustrated whenever you’re performing a certain task, consider how you can make that task less frustrating. Do you need to learn something new? Do you need to slow down? Do you need help from someone?

Making the appropriate adjustments will eliminate frustration and help you get back on track.

Another adjustment you can make is breaking the task down into smaller tasks. Get a degree is a very vague and daunting goal but Take a 100-level math class is something you can focus on. It’s targeted and easy to assess. If that still feels daunting, break it down into smaller tasks like Sign up for a 100-level math class – Buy the required books – Attend class regularly, and so on.

Some life goals will make such a huge change in your life that they feel overwhelming. Break them down so they feel less so.

Also, be flexible. Things don’t always work out like you plan but when you’re flexible, you allow for adjustments in the timeline or tasks to be done.

And finally, be nice to yourself. Beating yourself up because you got a C on a test won’t help you do better on the next one. Review the questions you got wrong and learn how to get the right answers. Visit office hours and ask the professor for help. Seek tutoring for classes that are extra hard.

Wrapping Up Your Life Plan

As you reach the end of creating your life plan, it’s essential to take a moment to reflect on the journey so far. You’ve identified your vision, set SMARTER goals, and crafted actionable steps. You’ve learned to prioritize, establish timelines, and build a support system. Now, let’s address how to bring all these elements to a cohesive conclusion.

Celebrate Your Initial Wins: Don’t underestimate the power of small victories. Recognizing and celebrating these milestones keeps you motivated and reinforces positive behavior.

Review and Reflect: Regularly review your life plan to evaluate your progress. Ask yourself what strategies worked, what didn’t, and why. This reflective practice ensures you’re consistently learning and adapting.

Make Necessary Adjustments: Life is unpredictable, and rigidity can hinder your progress. Be flexible and willing to modify your life plan as circumstances change. Reevaluate your goals and timelines periodically to make sure they still align with your vision.

Stay Accountable: Share your goals with a trusted friend, mentor, or coach. Establishing accountability helps you stay committed and can provide you with valuable feedback and encouragement.

Track Your Progress: Utilize a work management tool to keep your goals and progress in one place. Consistent monitoring not only keeps you on track but also highlights areas needing attention or adjustment.

Maintain Balance: Achieving your goals is important, but so is maintaining a balanced life. Regularly check in on different areas of your life to ensure you’re not neglecting any aspect in pursuit of another.

Wrapping up your life plan doesn’t mean the work is over. It’s a dynamic, evolving process requiring continuous dedication. But with a solid foundation, clear goals, and the right mindset, you’re well on your way to creating the fulfilling life you envision.

The first confidence building book for women and a best-seller, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes will prepare you to meet great men and enjoy a happy and fulfilling life. And not just any life, but a life you design for yourself. YOUR life your way!

Are you ready to start planning that great life? Click below to get started today! There’s no time like now to live your life on your terms!

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