Understand Men Archives

Men Love in Different Ways!

How Men Show Love

This information is very important! I am not going to sugar coat this one. You wouldn’t want it any other way!

We (men) say, “I love you” OUR way! Our way consists of these ACTIONS:

How Men Show Love – Solving your problems

I know this sounds very unromantic, but it’s true. We give you a back rub when your back aches. We stay up with you when you can’t sleep. If we love you, we start paying for things because we are providers. It doesn’t matter if you don’t need us to pay. We will fix your car or get your car to a mechanic who can fix it. Household issues? We’re on it!

Cutting the lawn, building a shed or changing out the kitchen cabinets – no matter what it is, let us show you our love through actions. When you say, “The lawn looks great, honey, can you do the backyard too?” We jump for joy! Then, we want to do MORE things for you. Backyard? Done.

“Gregg, it can’t be that simple.” YES IT CAN! AND IT IS! We are that simple. This is how men express love. Men love in different ways than women do. Keep a tasty treat above our jowls and we will do the trick over and over. Or do it YOUR way: “I thought you said you were going to cut the back yard too. You never finish anything you start.”

Ugh. We go limp, fetal and head to the couch with a beer. Backyard? Screw that.

Your choice. But only one of the way above hits our love language button. This is how we feel and show love. We do silly “manly” things for women. Granted, cutting the lawn is not as romantic as flowers, but believe me it will lead to flowers if you compliment us on our duties.

Are you getting this? So the next time a guy fixes something for you or does a favor, he might be saying, “I love you.” As silly as this may sound, you need to realize this. If you don’t, contempt will build on both sides and chip away at the relationship bit by bit.

Often times, a man will say, “I love you” because you are making him. He figures it is easier just to say it when he doesn’t necessarily mean it. Ultimately, the words will flow out of his mouth but they need to come out naturally.

How Men Show Love – Protecting you

I always tell women to look for chivalry. This trait is POWERFUL. If a man opens doors, walks next to you against the traffic and helps you sit down at a restaurant, he LOVES you! He will defend you at all costs too.

Another sign he loves you!

In a dark alley walking to the car, we are in protection mode for you. It’s built in to our DNA. Again, it’s not as romantic as saying, “I love you”, but it is OUR way.

How Men Express Love | Socially announcing you

This is huge. If we post FB photos of you, we’re hooked. When we are happy to meet your Mom, friends and attend your hobbies, we are hooked. When we want you to meet OUR Mom and friends and attend our hobbies, again, we are SHOWING you that we are in LOVE!

When we put our friends on the back burner? WOW, we are in love. When a man socially announces you to the important people in his life, he is showing you that he truly loves you. Look for it. And if you don’t see this in your man, move on.

Taking on Responsibility

This is another big way men express their love. When a guy helps you with boring stuff, he is probably starting to fall in love with you. Let’s face it, moving your furniture to a new apartment is no fun for any man. Bringing you soup when your breath stinks and your makeup is all over the place because you are sick with the flu means we love you.

Or staying home from work to help you with a project. All of these are positive signs of a guy showing you his love. You’re buying a car and the salesman is treating you like crap? Watch as we take control, waste that salesman and get you that car cheap.

Mmmmm— watch as Tarzan take on salesman!

How Men Show Love – Sex

Big subject! Huge! Back when we were growing up, one of our most coveted “rites of passage” was to have sex with as many women as possible. Maybe this is the caveman reproduction thing, who knows.

But somewhere, we were judged, and our status stamped by our male peers based on how many women we could have sex with.

I am not proud of this male fact. And I’m sure, right now, you aren’t proud of me. But it is true. In fact, of all our achievements, I think sex ruled us the most in our late adolescent/ early adult years.

We would lie all the time to our friends and tell them we slept with girls even if we didn’t. We would pray they would not find out. I now know they were all lying to me as well.

My point is that being proficient at sex is very important to men. We need to believe we are good at it. Consequently, this affects you as well. You need to be gentle with our feelings. More gentle than you think. Say, “I love that, now slow down with your tongue.” Don’t say, “Ow! That hurts, haven’t you ever done this before?”

Ouch.

Remember, men THINK they are great in the sack. In reality, most of us suck. But DON’T tell us we suck! Teach us slowly and with great sensitivity to our little boy feelings, and watch how good we can become. When we get good at sex, we want to satisfy you more. And let’s face it – all women are very different when it comes to pleasure and orgasms.

So many women get angry at their guy for not “trying harder” when we have no friggin idea what you want because we are afraid to ask. This deflates our manhood and our dicks! So understand this point and talk about it with your guy and things will stay HOT in the bedroom. It’s just another one of our differences in showing love. Now, obviously, there are exceptions. Some guys rock in the bedroom. But don’t assume this.

When we want sex all the time, we are hooked. Look for this and keep an eye on it. One of the first things I ask a woman (to her shock and horror) is how often does she have sex with her guy. When I hear barely once a week, there is a problem. Men need sex often but we don’t always want a long drawn out session. Understand this. If you come with an owner’s manual on “how to get you off” and it involves 3 chimpanzees and an albino midget riding a bike— we are going elsewhere.

This could be to porn or another woman but understand this is HOW we are. That said, we WANT and NEED to please you. Communicate with us in a positive way and we will be more than happy to reciprocate. We know we can’t “just get off” all the time without pleasing you. But allow us before work, maybe, to get rough and selfish without the dreaded speech of your sexual needs not being met in every session.

This is HUGE. Let’s face it, we can stare at a glass of milk and get off. You, on the other hand, need much more emotion and foreplay. So the reality is we are going to get off much more than you. It’s OK! Let us and don’t fall into the justice trap of “you orgasmed, so I need to.”

We will reciprocate. Show us how, but dumb it down and be gentle with our feelings.

How Men Show Love Conclusion

So you see, men express their love in different ways. How men love is based more on actions and not the words, “I love you.”

Oh, and don’t worry, I am on the other side teaching men to change too – this is not one-sided!

If this stuff makes you stop and think then you might want to keep reading! You need to understand more how the male mind works. Check out my #1 Amazon Best Seller “To Date A Man, You Must Understand A Man”.

Tips To Keep Him Hooked

Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

You Caught Him Now How to Keep Him Hooked?

True, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you seem to only snag losers. Maybe one or two seemed promising, but you just couldn’t keep him hooked and on the line – and you lost him.

Or maybe they just weren’t worth keeping, so you threw them back and waited for the next one to bite. Then finally it happens. You score the catch of a lifetime. The one you have been waiting for. You feel that rush of excitement as you reel him in. The sex is great and your dog likes him. But now what? How do you keep him hooked forever ?

If you have read any of my best selling books, you should be a confident woman who knows what she wants in life and in love. You have your own hobbies, career goals, a great circle of friends, and an understanding of the male psyche.

And let’s face it; understanding men is half the battle! You are ready for lasting love, and you have finally found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with — a man of value. THE ONE. He appreciates you for the amazing person you are, he loves being with you, and he doesn’t want to lose you.

Your relationship is great — but your challenge is to KEEP it that way! Even when all the important elements are there, (love, trust, respect, intimacy, appreciation, and so on) relationships take work. In time, that honeymoon fades. You’ve seen it happen before. But this time things will be different. This time it’s forever.

First things first. Have you read Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life? It’s like a relationship toolbox — an insurance policy against affairs and harm from devastating life events. If you really want to keep him hooked I would suggest you pick up a copy.

It really is possible to build an impenetrable wall around your relationship by learning how to rack up tons of great memories — pennies in the jar! Once you learn how to accomplish this, you will possess the skills to keep a man for life!

How to Keep Him Hooked Tips

A couple that plays together stays together! Yes, it’s important to have your own interests, but also sharing a mutual hobby (or hobbies) is a great way to have fun together and create good memories.
Go out on date nights! Sure, staying home in your PJs and cuddling on the couch with a movie is always nice. But you also need to get out there and experience all the exciting things life has to offer you as a couple. Make time for dates and let him show you off a little. Date like they did in the 70’s!
Manage your emotions. This one is a biggie, and he will love you all the more for it. That doesn’t mean stuff it all down inside. It means being mindful of overreacting.
Know how to fight fair. Another biggie. EVERY couple fights now and then. It doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. But you have to fight fair. Cheap shots, grudges and a fiery temper can destroy what you have, and how you fight can seriously make or break a relationship.
Learn to have balance and great communication. Men don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves like women tend to do. So it’s important to keep the lines of communication comfortable and open.
Remember to laugh together. Because laughter really is the best medicine!
Grow together by writing each other. Create a Couple’s Journal with your man.

Little Ways to say I Love You without saying the Words

Find Happily Ever After, Understand Men

Tiffany here. Who would have thought three little words could be so huge? You feel it in your heart, but actually saying, “I love you” for the first time can be a tricky situation, and it’s often difficult to know just when the time is right. Say it too soon, and you risk scaring him away. Wait too long, and he may begin to doubt your feelings, and maybe even the relationship. Good news – it doesn’t have to be all or nothing! There are lots of little ways to show your love without ever uttering a word. You can build your emotional bond by letting him know you care through your actions. It’s the little things that count.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Boston dating coach, Gregg Michaelsen tells us men communicate differently than women. While they may not shout their feelings from the rooftop the way we tend to, we need to look closely at the things they do to show us they care. Does he put air in your tires and fill your gas tank before you leave to visit your sister who lives in another state? Does he call and check on you when you have to work late, or bring you your favorite coffee to help you get through a rough day? Does he fix the leg on the antique table your Grandmother gave you, or rub your back when you have a headache? It’s little things like this which prove his love for you. His actions are much more powerful than words. We can do the same with our own little ways to say, “I love you.”

Little Ways To Say I Love You

Keep this list handy for inspiration, and think of your own uniquely sweet ideas which symbolize something special about him, and your relationship.

Always kiss him hello
Leave little notes on his car windshield or bathroom mirror, or sneak them into his pocket
Cook his favorite meal, just for the two of you
Bake him cookies – just because
Bring him breakfast in bed after a romantic evening together
Take the time to get to know, and like, his friends
Take the time to bond with his family
Text or call him once during the day to let him know you are thinking of him
Hold hands whenever you can
Watch the Super Bowl with him, even if you hate football
Wear that red dress he loves so much
Make him a love song playlist, the modern equivalent of a mix tape
If you see something he would love, don’t be afraid to get him little surprise gifts to show he was on your mind, and how well you know him
Make him a handmade Valentine
Laugh at his corny jokes
Cut his hair or shave his beard – it’s actually surprisingly intimate!
Show appreciation when he does something nice for you
Give him the last french fry or bite of dessert
Show up with beer, pizza and his favorite movie if he’s had a rough day
Listen when he needs to vent
Ask him about his day, look him in the eyes, and give him your undivided attention
Cheer him on when he needs encouragement, and be supportive, not critical
Make a big deal of his accomplishments
Try your hand at golf if he loves to play, or a hobby he has a passion for. Who knows, you may develop a new interest!
Compliment him
Send him a letter if you are away and tell him you miss him
You chose him for a reason – don’t try to change him
Go with him to boring work functions
Ask his advice and respect his opinion
Help him with a difficult or tedious task
Back him up when someone puts him down
Three letters — PDA — because you are proud to be with him
Give him a foot massage when you are relaxing on the couch
Tell him when he does something you like in bed
Always kiss him goodnight

Eventually, if all goes well, one of you will finally say those three little words and mean it! But until that moment, treat him the way you like to be treated, and show him you care through your actions.

If you would like more suggestions on things you can do to strengthen your relationship, check out my book, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life.

The First Signs He’s Cheating

Understand Men

Many times, when a woman looks back, she sees the first signs he’s cheating, but that’s only after he’s either confessed or she’s caught him. Then, with a head slap and an instant dip in confidence, she sees all the signs she missed.

But what are those signs? How do you know? Let’s take a deep dive into the first signs he’s cheating so you’ll know if you’re here for the right reason.

The First Signs He’s Cheating | He Becomes Angry

If your guy is cheating on you, he’s carrying around some guilt, but he’s still too much of a coward to admit it to you. He turns that guilt onto you, and he’ll find fault with anything and everything to keep the attention away from his indiscretions.

There are a couple of glaring problems with this. The first is that every time he picks at you and something you’ve done, your self-esteem dips a little lower. You try harder to cook the meals he likes or to make sure you listen to him when he’s sharing something.

The second problem is that he’s blaming the wrong person for his inner turmoil, which isn’t solving anything. Meanwhile, you’re trying harder and harder to be the woman he needs, not knowing there’s no way for you to fix his problem.

If you see this happening, set boundaries. There is no reason for someone to treat you poorly, regardless of what’s going on in his life. We teach people how to treat us by accepting or rejecting their actions.

So far, you’re accepting his angry outbursts, but you don’t need to. Draw a line in the sand and then put your toe on it and don’t budge an inch.

You’re not perfect and you shouldn’t aspire to be, nor should he expect you to be. It’s not okay for someone to vent their anger on you. If he has an issue with you, he should present it calmly and kindly so you can work things out. That’s not what he’s looking for. He’s protecting himself.

He Suddenly Takes a New Interest in His Appearance

Taking care of yourself is never a bad thing, but if a man is cheating, he’ll have a sudden obsession with how he looks. He might even change his look to be a bit younger or more in tune with the current style.

Of course, just working out or getting a haircut aren’t signs of infidelity. But when those things become an obsession and he spends more time at the gym than he does at home, it’s time to raise an eyebrow.

If he spends more time admiring his own body than he does caressing yours, something might be going on. He’s trying to look good for someone, but it’s not you.

If you raise a fuss about it, he’ll say you should appreciate that he’s trying to better himself for you. The problem with this argument is that he’s not spending any time with you anymore so why does he want to look so good?

Signs He’s Cheating on You | He Has New Unhealthy Habits

The opposite of getting buff and healthy is initiating bad habits like drinking to excess and smoking. He’ll also put a lot of effort into avoiding you.

The drinking and smoking are signs of his guilt, again, or they could be related to feeling depressed (alcohol) or anxious (smoking) over the situation.

Other bad habits that might flare include gambling or spending more money than usual. Chances are, he’s not spending it on you.

Meanwhile, work has picked up so he’s there more and all he wants to do is hang with his friends on the weekends. He might also avoid you by coming home and going straight to bed, avoiding any chance of sex or discussion.

Here’s the thing. A man will say anything to make his actions appear to be on the up and up, but his actions are what you should pay attention to. Men show their love, or in this case, dishonesty, through their actions.

The guy you first dated who was attentive and enjoyed your company is now avoiding you and wants nothing to do with you.

Are You Dealing with a Cheater?

Do you think your guy is cheating? If he is, does it mean your relationship is over? This article is a great one to help you sort that out, but there are others! Just click the button below to find them.

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He Changes His Passwords

Don’t believe him when he says he thinks someone hacked some of his accounts. The only hack in the conversation is him!

If his passwords are suddenly a big secret, he’s got something to hide. He’s getting messages from he doesn’t want you to read.

In today’s smartwatch climate, this might seem less relevant. He can get those messages on his watch, and they won’t even ping on his phone, but they’re still there for you to find later.

For married couples, there should be no secrets, so if you ask for his password, he shouldn’t take issue with providing it. Yes, privacy is important, but he shouldn’t be hiding anything from someone whose life is impacted by his actions.

If you ask and he denies it, be persistent. He’ll tell you that you’re being paranoid, and maybe you are, but then he should be working to help alleviate your concerns. Trust is at stake and if he wants his relationship with you, he doesn’t want to ruin that trust.

Signs He’s Cheating | He’s Unavailable More Often

Some jobs require you to be unavailable more, and if that’s the case, it’s not a sign of cheating. The sign is if he was more available and now, he’s not.

The more likely excuse for his sudden unavailability is that he’s with someone and doesn’t want to be disturbed. He needs privacy and blocks of time when he isn’t thinking about what he’s doing to you so he can do something with someone else.

Along with this is a sudden change in his schedule without a job or job position change. Suddenly, he’s working late all the time when he never did before.

A consistent pattern of being unavailable or having a new schedule is a big red flag.

His Friends Seem Awkward Around You

His friends know he’s cheating on you, and they probably don’t like being caught in the middle. When the two of you are around, they’ll act differently because they know about his affairs or indiscretions.

He may have even had the nerve to bring her around his friends, thinking they won’t mind, and maybe some of them won’t mind, but some of them will.

It might be difficult for them to hide his secret from you, so being around you makes them feel anxious and uncomfortable. If one of them is a good enough friend to you, he might spill the beans, but there isn’t a great chance of that happening.

Signs He’s Cheating | There’s a Noticeable Change in the Frequency of Sex

Most people love sex, so if there’s a change, it’s noticeable. For a guy to avoid sex with you is telling. It’s a sign that he’s getting sex somewhere else and doesn’t want or need it when he’s home with you.

On the other hand, if he’s feeling guilty, he might initiate sex more often to assuage his guilt.

A third possibility is that he times his sex with you to fit into his new schedule. Sex may occur at different times than before. For example, if you often had sex in the mornings, he might avoid that because he has a hot lunch date. The same goes for evenings. He might initiate sex earlier in the evening or late afternoon, so he’s rested enough to go at it with his date later.

You Don’t Get Invited to Stuff Anymore

He was once proud to show you off to his coworkers and friends, but now, you rarely get an invite or even know when things are happening. If his job includes wining and dining potential clients, vendors, or other companies, he may have taken you along to entertain any women at the event.

Now, he’s off doing those events alone…or so it seems. He might not be cheating yet, but he’s thinking about it at the very least.

He’ll likely have some excuse like he doesn’t feel like he can be himself when you’re around, but if you can’t be yourself around the woman you love, who can you be yourself with? This is a bogus excuse meant to dismiss your concerns.

Signs He’s Cheating | He’s Less Territorial and Indifferent

Men are competitive and a little healthy jealousy in a relationship isn’t a bad thing. Your guy should at least raise an eyebrow if another guy looks at you with interest.

But if he’s cheating, he might be happy you’re getting attention from someone else. He might be secretly hoping you’ll find someone new to alleviate his guilt.

He might also seem indifferent to things he once took an interest in, like something you’re proud or excited about. Before, he would have been over the moon when he found out you got that promotion you’d been working on. Now, you barely get acknowledgment that he heard what you said.

He might also avoid making long-term plans with you. In the past, you’ve scheduled your summer vacations a year in advance but now, he wants no part in planning something that far out.

He might also remove himself from family events like holidays and birthdays. This is because he can barely face you, let alone family members.

He Avoids All Conversations Around Cheating

Eventually, you’ll call him out on his bad behavior, but I can almost guarantee you he’ll avoid that conversation or tell you you’re crazy. He might even show that anger you read about above.

He’ll do anything to deflect your attention away from him and back onto you, so prepare for an onslaught of insults or accusations to come your way if you accuse him of cheating. The fact that he can’t look you in the eye and deny that he’s cheating is a huge red flag.

If he has any feelings for you at all, he won’t be able to do that.

What to do if You Discover the First Signs He’s Cheating

A relationship can survive infidelity, but it requires a desire by both parties to fix things and professional counseling.

Cheating breaks the trust in a relationship, and trust is one leg in the three-legged stool of marriage. The other two legs are great communication and commitment. If one leg is pulled out, the stool can’t stand. If you remove one of those three elements, a good relationship can’t survive.

If he tells you he’s been cheating but has decided he wants to come back to you, then you have a decision to make. You can take him back, of course, but with stipulations that either you seek counseling individually or together, perhaps both.

Cheating is a symptom of a larger problem most of the time, so if you don’t address the root of the issue, it will happen again.

The other option is to end the relationship. You may decide that you don’t think you can trust him again, and that’s reasonable and realistic. There’s nothing that says you must stay with him, even if you share children.

Of course, the other possibility is that he says he wants out of your relationship so he can pursue another. Chances are, you’ll feel like you’ve had the wind knocked out of you if this happens, as well you should.

Again, I suggest counseling. This type of blow does a number on your self-esteem and confidence and a professional can help you get them both back where they belong. He can also help you determine what happened in the relationship so you don’t fall into a similar situation again.

Communication is everything in all of your relationships, personal or professional. Learn the best communication skills right here – how to listen, how to talk to people with different communication styles, and most importantly, how to get what you want from a conversation while giving the other person what they want too. Get your copy today!

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Taking Personal Responsibility to Find Love

Understand Men

Big things are in store for me and you this year. I hope you are as excited as I am about this new year! Are you? You’re not??? Why not?

Ohhh, I know, you haven’t found a high value man yet.

Why not?

Nevermind, the reason doesn’t matter. That’s in the past.

Today is the day I challenge you to join me in taking personal responsibility for the future.

Are you ready?

First, you need to make a decision. Do you want to find love or don’t you? You have all the tools. Gregg has twelve of the best books on the market covering almost everything you need to know.

I hear all kinds of excuses from women who say they can’t take the steps in these books:

“It’s too hard.”
“I don’t have the time.”
“ Online dating sucks, they are all creeps.”
“ I’m overweight so I never get chosen.”

Excuses!

I have a close friend who can’t lose weight. We’ll call my friend Debbie. Debbie is 40 pounds overweight and complains daily about how the gym sucks. She tried another gym and she said the same thing to me.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I said, “Debbie, it’s not the gyms – it’s you. The gym is just a big space with weights and machines which just sit there. They have no personality.

You need to do something with them. The refrigerator is very similar – a machine that you need to stock with foods which will keep you thin – but you need to stock it with food which will actually keep you thin!”

Yeah, I upset her– wasn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last.

But do you understand the message? I am holding us both accountable this year! I am asking you to take personal responsibility for your life and I’ll do the same.

I want you to find love, but you need to give it more than just a half-hearted effort.

Online dating doesn’t suck if you know what you are doing

Are you screening multiple guys as Gregg describes in Love is in The Mouse?
Are you asking the right questions?
Are you rotating your pics and visiting the site every day so you stay at the top?
Are you casting your net wide?
Are you presenting your best side, both with your profile and your pics?
Did you take my confidence course before you started dating?

If you are doing these things for real then you are tossing out the losers, the couch potatoes and the users!

If you are committing to yourself and absorbing my information, then you are having success – you have no choice. The quality guys are there, but they need to see you. You need to rise above the others.

Choosing Mr. Right

One of the biggest issues we’re seeing over and over is women are picking and hanging onto the wrong guy!

STOP IT!

If you’re following Gregg’s advice, you are surrounding yourself with several men. This helps you avoid falling into a dangerous trap.

When you only date one guy at a time, you can immediately latch onto him, thinking he should return the favor.

The problem is, he shouldn’t, and why would he anyway?

You don’t know enough about him or vice versa.

You don’t know if he is emotionally available, dating and totally getting into someone else, or what’s going on in his life which may make him a wet kitten – all things which make him a wrong guy for you.

When a guy isn’t right for you, don’t take it personally, be glad you found out before too much time has passed.

Timing is everything.

This same thing applies to ex-boyfriends and husbands. If he won’t deal with his alcoholism, hasn’t supported himself for the last 12 years, and/or isn’t divorced yet, lose him!

Today is the Day for Taking Personal Responsibility

I say these things because Gregg and I care for you. We need to step up – all of us!

This includes me, in fact let’s make a promise to each other to try harder this year.

I’m setting new goals and we’re going to be there for more of you, more often, with the advice and the motivation you need, but you need to do your part. You need to absorb this information and apply it!

Deal? Awesome!

Hopefully, I am helping you today or maybe, like my friend, Debbie, I am making you angry – that’s your decision to make but my heart is in the right place.

What is Love All About?

Understand Men

Happy New Year! It’s Kirbie today to share with you about a podcast I was listening to recently. It was on a topic many people misunderstand – love. In the coaching Gregg and I do, love is always a huge factor. We are all in one of these phases – I just lost someone I love, I have someone I love and I want to keep him, or I want to find someone to love. Most of our coaching deals with the first – I just lost someone I love. It was this, combined with the podcast, which inspired me to write to you today about this burning question – what is love all about?

You Choose to Love

Love isn’t going to land in your lap. As much as I would like it to happen, love isn’t going to just land in my life. When we meet a new man, something either clicks between you or it doesn’t, but this isn’t love. It’s excitement or infatuation, maybe lust. You can make a choice, though, to learn more about this person, and over time, you build intimacy together and begin showing one another your love.

We all know someone we would describe as being ‘incapable of loving’. A person who can be described in this way is someone who is choosing another emotion, like anger, instead of love. Your emotions are a choice you make, but many don’t realize this. We often coach women to begin listening to the voice in their heads – to hear the negative thoughts and insert positive replacements. This is the beginning of controlling your own emotions.

Think of it this way. You’re driving down the highway, minding your own business until someone cuts you off, causing you to slam on your breaks or swerve. What you do next is your choice. You can choose to be grateful you didn’t get into an accident or you can choose to rant and rave, flip them off, and generally have a hissy fit. Whether you realize it or not, you make a choice.

Your Actions Show Your Love

When you are in a committed relationship, love is something you do, something you show your partner. Love isn’t something you just feel. You choose to love someone by being there for him. If your spouse is up in the middle of the night ill, you choose to love him when you get up with him, to comfort him and meet any immediate needs he may have. This is an act of love. A choice you made to love him by caring for him.

By the same token, you can show someone you don’t love them by your inaction. I have a very close relative who has major medical issues which often land him in the emergency room. His (now ex) wife wouldn’t even lift a finger to help him. He either had to call a rescue squad or ask another family member to take him to the ER. His wife never missed a beat in her life. She showed him she didn’t love him by her lack of action.

When You Love, You make a Commitment

For those of you who are parents, you may understand this better than anyone. You love your children, and you, as a good parent, know that showing your love to your children means supporting them, disciplining them when necessary, encouraging them to learn and grow, and taking on their feeding and daily care. This isn’t something you do because you’re required to. I have seen the results of parents who don’t love their children. It does happen and with devastating results. You make a choice to love them, and with that choice, you make a commitment to their care and well-being.

The same goes for a relationship. When you choose to love someone, you make a commitment to them – to be supportive of their dreams, to care for them when they are ill or injured, to be honest and open with them.

Recognize Love

With all of that said, do you recognize love, or a lack of it, when it is in your life? Gregg spends a lot of time in his books explaining how men love, and much of this fits how men love. We both hear many women tell us “he doesn’t love me”, then they go on to explain how the man in question came over and fixed their car, garbage disposal, garage door or leaky toilet. Maybe he came and hung a shelf, dug a new garden, mowed your lawn or took out your trash.

His actions showed you his love. He chose to do those things instead of hanging with his buddies or watching sports. He made a commitment to you to help you.

On the other hand, does your man only provide lip service? Be careful of a man who only says he loves you without putting actions behind his words. Especially a man who is treating you poorly, hurting you more often than he helps you. He makes many promises, delivers on few, if any. He says he loves you, but he chooses to work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, spending day 7 in front of the television or out playing golf. He says he loves you, but instead of spending time with you on your one night off, he chooses to go to the bar with the same buddies he was just with 2 nights prior.

So Then, What is Love?

Love is deliberate, not something that just happens. What we often call love is really emotions like euphoria, desire, excitement, happiness and maybe even lust. Those things come and go as quickly as the things which cause them. He says he loves you, you feel excited and happy. He chooses to date another woman, you feel devastation and heartbreak. Rather than listen to what he says, look at the choices he makes, the commitment he has to your relationship or his actions toward you.

The same goes for you. If he doesn’t feel loved, are you showing him you love him? Did you make a commitment to the relationship? Did your actions show him you love him? Did you choose him over an extra 3 hours of yoga class? Love goes both ways and requires a lot of effort.

For more ways to learn about strengthening your relationship through actions, commitment and choice, read Gregg’s latest book, for sale only on the Who Holds the Cards Website, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life.

How to End a Relationship

Understand Men

You know your relationship has run its course and you want to end it, but you want to know how to end a relationship nicely, not with malice and hate.

There are two sides to the end of any relationship. The person who wants to end it and the person who’s surprised by the breakup. Either way, both people experience the pain of the breakup, but if it’s right for you, it’s something you need to go through.

And there are ways to end a relationship nicely. It’s possible he feels the same way but is also wondering how he can end things with you without hurting your feelings. You won’t know until you confront the situation.

Today, I have for you the do’s and don’ts of how to end a relationship nicely, but before we begin with that, allow me to take a few moments to show you signs that your relationship is truly over.

What You’ll Find Here

Signs Your Relationship is Really Over
How to End a Relationship Nicely
What to do After the Breakup
The Don’ts of a Breakup
Wrap Up

Signs Your Relationship is Really Over

Below are signs your relationship is over, but it’s important to note that some of them can be overcome, usually with couples therapy.

You Have No Emotional Connection

Love is an emotional connection, and while many couples love one another, that love can dissipate if other things get in the way. There are four behaviors, sometimes called the four horsemen of relationship destruction, that can get in the way and destroy your emotional connection. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

These behaviors can drive out any emotional connection you may have had.

There can also be no emotional connection if one or both of you were raised in an environment that lacked an emotional connection between the parents or all family members. If this is the case, you or your partner might not know how to form such a connection.

What this looks like:

You don’t feel comfortable sharing your vulnerabilities
There’s no spark between you
You don’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings
The old fun banter between you is gone

What little connection there seemed to be is now gone, and with it goes the relationship.

Communication Between You is Negative or Non-Existent

Good communication is at the core of any great relationship, but when relationships break down, poor communication is often one of the reasons.

In this situation, there is probably little to no communication, positive or negative. Instead of discussing problems, you both shove them down and pretend like they don’t exist.

You might feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time, knowing there are volatile issues lurking just beneath the surface.

If one of you feels like the other is walking all over them, there is likely a communication problem lurking.

Feeling like all you’re doing is keeping the peace means things have broken down to a point that might not be recoverable.

On the other hand, the communication between you may be aggressive and confrontational. You argue a lot and it always feels like one or the other of you is picking a fight for the sake of arguing.

When this happens, one or both partners are experiencing frustration and that frustration continues to build, like steam in a pressure cooker. Venting your anger lets off the steam for a little while, but it just builds up again as soon as the lid to your emotions is put back on.

Trust is Eroded or Non-Existent

Trust is another vital element of a good relationship, and when it’s gone, the result is destructive.

There are a few ways in which trust disappears. The first is that it never was there. If one of you has trust issues, you’ll find it difficult to trust anyone. This often comes from having your trust broken badly sometime in the past.

Of course, trust can disappear if one of you has an affair, and that type of break is recoverable, but it takes a long time.

Trust can also be broken if someone is caught in a lie. The seriousness of this break in trust is correlated to the significance of the lie.

In any case, if there is no trust, you don’t have some of the solid bricks for the foundation of your relationship.

Sexual Attraction is Gone

The sexual attraction between two partners is important. There are times during a relationship when this attraction comes and goes, but if it seems to be gone forever, it’s a problem.

Physical intimacy is critical to sustaining a relationship. When you touch one another, oxytocin is released, supporting the feelings of love and connection.

If you’re dating and abstaining from sex, this doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. Note that I said the physical intimacy involved touching, not specifically sex.

If you feel the attraction and you want to enjoy that physical intimacy, you don’t have a problem. It’s when the attraction is gone, and you have no desire to touch him that you have a problem.

You Don’t See Him in Your Future

If you’ve just started dating, chances are you won’t see him in your future, and you shouldn’t, but if breaking up with him is this big of a decision, I’m guessing you’re not in a newer relationship.

So you look into your future and you don’t see him. Maybe it’s a gray haze or maybe you don’t see anyone yet, but whatever you see, he’s not there.

You might feel as if your lifestyles are too different or there’s just something about him that doesn’t feel like it fits.

The reason doesn’t matter. The point is that he doesn’t feel like he belongs in your life long-term. It’s okay. When we date, we’re trying people on. Sometimes, they just don’t fit.

You DO See Someone Else in Your Future

So you don’t see your current boyfriend in your future, who do you see? Fantasizing about a relationship with someone else is also a relationship red flag.

Having fantasies about someone else is normal to a degree. It’s when those thoughts make you feel guilty and seem to upset your inner peace that they become a problem.

Are these thoughts distracting you from your relationship? Is your fantasy about someone you know? Do you fantasize about having sex with him, or is it less specific?

Some fantasies are healthy if they aren’t damaging what you have now, but if they’re taking away from your relationship, they’re another red flag.

You Aren’t There for One Another

When we have a partner in our lives, it means we’re there for one another, good times and bad. But when you feel alone in your journey, even though you have a partner, that’s when you know there’s a problem.

Your guy should be someone you can call when you have a flat tire or when your dog dies. He’s someone who will be there for you when something tragic happens and vice versa.

But when you aren’t there for one another, there’s a problem.

Sometimes a disconnect occurs when you both seem to be traveling different paths. Your goals may be to further your education or your career while your partner wants to travel. You may want kids while he had a miserable childhood and doesn’t want any.

Regardless of where the disconnect is, it’s breaking down the very core of your relationship. One of the reasons we seek out partners is to have someone to share our path and our goals. We want someone we can lean on from time to time and someone who will lean on us when necessary.

How to End a Relationship Nicely

Now that you have a few of the signs and you still want to know how to end a relationship nicely, let’s get to it.

The ideal outcome of a breakup is that you both walk away knowing it was for the best, especially if you have children together or work together.

Moving forward, you need to put the memories of the relationship in a place where you can access them and feel good while still knowing it was for the best.

How to End a Relationship | Do it as Soon as You Know

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