Love. We all want it. So Why Can’t I Find Love you ask!
Sure, many say they’ve given up, but deep down they’re just frustrated because everything they’ve tried so far hasn’t worked.
I get it. I hear the frustration. I even have readers who get angry at me!
“All men suck.”
“I’m happy just being alone.”
“I’ve given up.”
“Every time I get close to a man, I get dumped.”
But what if you’re simply going about it the wrong way?
What if you opened yourself up to a totally new way of finding love?
Why Can’t I Find Love? Eleven Changes to Consider
End the Misery – or at Least the Miserable Feeling
Is this you?
Heck, through the pandemic I was miserable at times too. Our worlds were upside down and nothing made sense. Nothing was normal.
Attempted relationships failed. This led to low self-esteem, potential weight gain and frustration. Ice cream put me in my happy place.
So why not accept this and decide to change your attitude starting right now?
Forget men and start working on you!
You’ll be amazed at how your world and relationships will begin to turn around.
How do you do it?
Start with plenty of self-care and self-love. Pamper yourself for a couple of weeks. Then, continue once or twice per week – a regular schedule.
You’re worth it. You might feel guilty at first and that’s okay but keep doing it.
The Little Self-Care Handbook is a great self-care resource to help you get your self-care routine started.
Why Can’t I Find Love? Decide to Do the Work
Many women say they want to find love but they don’t want to put in the work required.
When I ask where they’ve gone and what they’ve tried, I get crickets.
It’s like they expect a man to knock on their front door.
Instead of wallowing in self-pity and complaining about nothing working out how you wish it would, brainstorm 50 ideas for hobbies and adventures. Narrow your list to your top 10 and then, pick 1 or 2, sign up and go.
Get exposure to new people and join groups where you’re likely to have something in common with the members. This takes the pressure off meeting a man while you are having fun!
Work? What work?
Commit to the Work of Finding Love
This leads to my next change. If finding love is work, you’re doing it wrong! Get out there and do the things you love.
Take your list and modify it to include coed pursuits. You probably won’t find many men doing yoga or horseback riding, but you might find them in other places like cooking classes or a ski club. Kick boxing and hiking are also great choices if you like those activities or are willing to try something new.
New choices get you out of your comfort zone which builds confidence. This is a win-win.
Expand Your Search Zone
I have spoken with readers who live in small towns with few choices. Everyone knows everyone else’s business. This forces them to pursue long distance relationships. LDR’s make finding love difficult. This leads to more frustration.
Others live in big cities and look for men in all the wrong places.
If you live in a small town, maybe it’s time to consider moving. Online jobs are abundant today. The kids might be all grown-up or might even enjoy a new adventure.
Big cities can be overwhelming. I have readers in NYC that feel alone. In that instance, maybe it’s time for a change of scenery or a change of venues.
City dwellers do better when they join groups of mutual interest so they can make friends and network to meet more people. Hitting a bar in NYC probably isn’t the best bet. But hitting a new micro-brewery with friends can be a welcome change.
Don’t just stay in your hometown or city because it feels comfortable. You can always visit. Change can be empowering!
Why Can’t I Find Love? Expand Your Friend Zone
Finding love rarely works when your social network is all married women.
It also doesn’t work when family members are breathing down your neck to find love.
Communicate to these groups. Ask them to help, not hurt your effort. Tell them you may be spending a few less hours with them in pursuit of new opportunities and new friendships.
They might get angry and that’s okay. It’s time you set new boundaries.
This will be empowering.
Why Can’t I Find Love? – Try Setting Firm Boundaries
That’s leads us to our next change to finding love. Setting boundaries.
You’re done with guys who don’t text back or text back days later. If they delay, they’re not interested. Period.
Get my best seller – Weed Out The Users, the Couch Potatoes and the Losers for less than a cup of coffee and fix the problem!
Boundaries mean you’re done hooking up with guys on the first date because that’s what they want. You now date with your head and not your heart. That means no sex until a man proves his worth.
Boundaries empower! They attract guys because boundaries are a sure sign of confidence, and guys love confident women because they are a challenge. Nothing worth having comes without a fight.
Try it. Make a list of boundaries that will not get crossed again. Do this not only with men, but also with your friends and family.
Stick to your boundaries and you’ll feel like you have new super-powers.
Get Over Your Ex
This can be a big problem! If you’re still daydreaming about your ex, you’ll waste a lot of time comparing your new guy to him and the new guy won’t stack up.
This puts your new relationship in jeopardy right from the start.
One way to get over your ex is to write a letter to him telling him all the things you don’t like about him and your past relationship. Then read it and burn it, safely of course!
It works. It sends a message to your brain that says, “I will no longer let this guy control my future.”
If you need more help, check out this great book, He’s Gone Now What.
Stop Trying to Find the Perfect Guy
Your list may read something like this: I want a guy who is tall, dark and handsome, preferably a doctor earning over $200K a year and living in San Diego.
The truth is that those types of lists prevent you from exploring a new type of guy who might not fit that mold but might be the perfect fit for you.
So far, you’ve sought that type of guy and maybe even dated a few men who fit at least some of that criteria, but how’s that working for you?
Instead, throw out that superficial list and get real! Women have this guy in mind from watching some rom-com movie full of idealistic relationships that aren’t real.
The perfect man doesn’t exist. He’s part of your imagination and truth be told, using tight criteria is a way of protecting your heart and avoiding dating anyone who might challenge you.
Look for the type of man you never thought you would want to date.
Try the shy, geeky guy sitting with a group of rowdy men. He’s probably had his eye on you since you walked in but he’s a little wary of approaching. Give him a couple of smiles and hold his attention with a couple of quick glances now and then. This sends him a message that if he approaches, he won’t get shot down.
If you can’t find the geeky guy, go for the guy who looks like he just crawled off his Harley. He just might be a doctor or lawyer and he’s likely to be more down to earth than the tall, dark and handsome guy with skinny dress pants and six-inch points on the ends of his shoes.
By limiting the type of man think you want to date, you’re limiting your possibilities.
Once you get to know the geeky guy and determine he’s not your speed, move on to another type of guy. Keep your options open.
A couple years back, I wrote a book that will help you understand different types of men.It’s called Manimals, Understanding the Different Types of Men and How to Date Them. I let my readers at that time choose the title and it was a perfect fit!
Why Can’t I Find Love? Shake off Your Past
My parents divorced when I was 16. My nights were interrupted by breaking dishes. This affected my view of relationships in a very negative way. I didn’t see love as a good thing, so I avoided it.
I dated and dated and dated. I was looking for someone who would accept me.
Or so I thought.
In fact, I was the problem. I couldn’t accept love, so I didn’t accept them. This hurt them and me. I was an expert in short-term relationships.
Little did I know I was sabotaging my own quest for love.
I took a step back and dug into my childhood for answers.
Seek help from a qualified therapist if you know you’ve been hurt from events in your past. Maybe it’s abandonment issues or something like my experience. Either way, recognize it and get help before you attempt to find love again.
Figure Out Who You Are
You can’t find the right man if you don’t know your true self. You will seek the wrong type of man.
Ask yourself, what is your vision in life? What do you want tomorrow? Next year? In 5 years?
What morals guide you? Do you live by them?
Answer these questions and you’ll start to live the life you create instead of a life that others create for you.
Women love my best-seller, To Date a Man You Must Understand Yourself because it helps you see the mistakes you might be making without realizing it. It’s a compare and contrast story of two young women who make different life choices that guide their relationship outcomes.
Learn How Men Think
Ahh, now we’re in my wheelhouse!
I saved the best for last. This is my flagship operation.
The best and most entertaining way to build confidence is to discover how men think.
This prevents you from blaming yourself when things go wrong and it gives you powerful insight into how to best communicate with a man and get him to do what you want.
Learn not only what he is thinking but how to react based on his actions.
You zig when he zags. This keeps him hooked on you through his desire for challenge and mystery.
Understanding how men think is the missing link to finding true love. They don’t teach this stuff in school!
Get the book that changed dating forever! To Date a Man You Must Understand a Man
Why Can’t I Find Love – Wrapping Up
Change happens in seconds if you allow it too.
Look over these 11 items and address each one. Spend some time evaluating:
- Who are you and what you do you truly want from life
- Your past and how it affects you and your opinions about relationships
- Whether you have boundaries and how to set some that will positively impact your relationships
- If your relationship with your ex is affecting you
- If you’re searching in the wrong places
- Whether people close to you are helping or holding you back
- If you know how men think
- Your own mindset and how to shake the feeling of being miserable
If you begin making these eleven changes, you will begin to see a positive turnaround in the quality of your relationships, and not just your relationships with men.
So ask yourself again. Why can’t I find love? Now you can!
Knowing how to not date a jerk includes embracing your single life and taking the time to become a confident, independent woman. Riding Solo, a book written specifically for women who want to do just that, walks you through overcoming the stigma of being single on to becoming that independent, confident woman. This places you in the best possible position to find and date wonderful, great men who are not jerks.