You finally recovered from your bad breakup. Then out of the blue it happens. Your ex contacts you!
Why does an old flame contact you?
Suddenly you’re hit with a rush of emotions. Does he want to get back together? Has he changed? Will his family finally accept you?
You hate him and yet you think, “I still love him.”
These are normal feelings.
So, what do you do? How can you learn how to respond to an ex asking how you are?
Well, to know how to respond you first need to do a little self-analysis.
Ask yourself this one question.
Assuming you and/or your ex have solved the underlying breakup issue do you want to get back together?
If yes, then continue below. If no, then there is no need to respond. It’s that simple.
Other coaches will say it’s not polite not to respond – I say bull. This is about you and your feelings not his. He’ll get over it like you got over the breakup.
Assuming the answer is yes, here are some suggestions for how to proceed.
How to Respond to an Ex Asking How You Are?
Relax and think things through
There is no rush to respond. Ask yourself if you really want this man back in your life. Many times, the answer should be no. You might be in a wonderful place right now, or you might be dating someone you’re getting excited about.
Do you really want to mess a good thing up?
It did not work out the first time so what will be different this time?
Did he seek help for his issues? Or, if were you the problem, did you seek help? Maybe you both were co-dependent – did you both fix your issues?
My buddy Rick got back together with his ex, thinking this time would be different. I asked him why – what changed that will make things work this time? He mentioned that his ex would not have his delinquent son with her anymore. He was the reason.
I questioned this. Turns out I was spot on. Rick was just talking himself into getting back together by using an outside excuse. The real reason was that she was lazy and just sat around the house all day playing candy crush on her phone.
If he emotionally or physically abused you, do not reply! This man is dead to you. Enough said.
Timing is wrong
Maybe you wanted to get married but he hadn’t completed his divorce. Maybe he was overseas. Or you wanted to complete college, so you had no time for a relationship. Timing is often overlooked and can be a major hurdle.
If you feel the timing is now right, then contact him and say hi.
Your values don’t align
You wanted kids and he didn’t. You are an extrovert and he just wanted to stay home. These are things that can’t be compromised. In this case, contact him and see if his choices have changed. If so, get together. If not, kindly tell him that you are both wasting your time.
Make sure you stick to your values. He is not the right man for you if your values do not align so respond accordingly.
How do you respond to an ex asking how you are?
After taking into consideration the six things above, you’re ready to respond. You’ll only be responding if your emotions can remain in check. If they can’t, it’s not time to respond!
Also, you do not respond to someone who treated you badly! Block his number.
Here is how you respond, “Hi Jim, I must admit I am a bit shocked hearing from you. Without being rude, can I ask why you are contacting me? We ended it because _________ (the timing was wrong, I wanted kids and you didn’t, you wanted to move in and I wasn’t ready etc.) so what has changed?
Hope you are doing well,
Notice I kept it short, I didn’t want to give him anything he could expand on. I wanted to get right to the point while still being polite.
If you get crazy, then he might lead you down the ‘rabbit hole of old emotions’. Do not do this! Keep it short and to the point.
Your ex might try to change the subject. He might talk about old memories. Don’t go for it.
If he does say this, “Yes, Aruba was fun. Again, why are you contacting me?”
If he continues to avoid the reason for the breakup then kindly ask him to stop contacting you.
“Jim, I’m in a good place, please move on like I have.
If he still won’t quit, block his number.
What if he answers the question to your liking?
“Nancy, I’ve stopped drinking. I have been sober for 6 months now. I realize that I love you and it was the alcohol that was getting in my way. Can we get together and talk?”
Or, “I’ve fulfilled my obligation to the National Guard and I am coming home. No longer will we be long distance. Does that work for you? I miss you.”
These are the answers that I want you to hear. Jim dealt with the underlying issue.
Not so fast, though. He will need to prove his words through actions. This leads me to your next step.
Set up a daytime meeting
Mind you this is a meeting and not a date. The daytime will make it less possible for alcohol and sex.
Set it up. Keep your expectations low. Listen and don’t make any decisions until you’re home and have really thought things through.
Involve your close friends and family too. This is a major, life altering decision so take your time. They often have a more objective point of view. They saw you hurting after the breakup and they will be very careful with your heart.
Go for a trial period
You’re still protecting your heart until Jim proves his worth again. Therefore, make it clear that after, say 2 months, you will access the relationship and mutually decide on where things stand.
Remember, the underlying issues must be resolved. If he goes back on a tour-of-duty or starts drinking again then all bets are off!
How to respond to an ex asking how you are summary
Remember, one of you or both must have changed for the better or nothing will be different! I cannot emphasize this enough. I see it over and over again.
This just frustrates you and keeps you from ever wanting to have a relationship because you are too jaded from the yo-yo affect dating your ex.
Be sure you aren’t going into a new meeting with your ex with rose-colored glasses on. Be honest with yourself about where you both are and look for real signs of change, not just words. Men use actions to prove their love and commitment to you, so if all he has at this point is words, he may not be sincere.
Why does and old flame contact you and how do you respond? Now you know!