What does it mean to date with your head and not your heart? Dating is a tricky business, and it can be challenging to find a great guy. But your chances are hampered if you date with your heart and not your head. It’s Kirbie today, talking to you about dating with your head and not your heart.
Date Confidently, Not Desperately
You know you’re dating with your head and not your heart when you stop feeling desperate to find a man.
Meet Christi. Christi has experienced many changes in her life over the past three years. First, her husband announced he was gay and wanted a divorce. Next, Christi got into the dating scene too soon after her husband’s announcement and found herself a dangerous stalker.
To protect herself and her three children, they moved back in with her soon-to-be ex. During these changes, Christi also broke free from a conservative religious background into something more mainstream.
She was like a rock fired from a slingshot, racing forward with little guidance. Christi is a very beautiful woman who found her photography gift was her way to financial success. Armed with a camera but little confidence, Christi forged on.
She met men online and dated many of them immediately. Finally, at church, she found a man she decided was the one. Did I mention Christi is thirty-four and her fiancé is twenty-four? Yes, they’re engaged after dating for just two months.
Christi is dating from a place of desperation and fear, and I know this from speaking to her. She’s a good friend of one of my daughters, who is now shaking her head in disbelief at the engagement.
Most people in Christi’s life believe she’s making a huge mistake. It’s nothing against the man she’s engaged to but more about the speed at which things are moving. It doesn’t say much about either of them that things are moving so fast.
Then again, we draw people to us who are most like us, so this isn’t a surprise. I fear their union has little hope of long-term success.
Slow Your Roll
What’s the hurry in dating? And don’t tell me your biological clock is ticking. I understand time isn’t on your side if you’re in your thirties. But worse than navigating a high-risk pregnancy after thirty-five is raising children alone because you made a mistake in choosing a mate.
I know. I did it with four kids.
Men and women view dating differently. Men date to have fun first. After they get to know you, they date to chase and for challenge and mystery.
Women date to find a husband.
Slow down and date to have fun. Dating isn’t about a path to marriage, as many women believe. It’s about getting to know someone to see if you fit. Yes, marriage might be the end goal, but you can’t look at a new guy that way on the first date.
Plan fun dates instead of a dinner date. Go bowling or hiking. Take a walk around a quaint downtown nearby. Go rollerblading or find a fun venue with live music. Do different things to learn more about one another.
Not only are these fun dates, but they’re opportunities to build memories together, and that’s key if things get rocky. Sharing wonderful memories is how you build intimacy.
Set aside thoughts of marriage until this guy proves he’s worthy of you.
Forget Milestones
When you date with your head and not your heart, you also set aside milestones. You know what I’m talking about.
He held my hand. Milestone.
OMG, he kissed me! Milestone.
He invited me to meet his mother. Milestone.
We’re taking a weekend trip together. Milestone.
Just stop. While these mean something to you, guys are clueless about milestones. He held your hand because he felt like it. Most likely, he kissed you probably out of impulse, not because he wants to marry you.
He invited you to meet his mother because he wanted to spend time with both of you and didn’t know how else to do it.
A weekend trip together doesn’t mean he’s ready to get married, although this might be a sign he’s interested long-term.
Even Gregg got caught off-guard by a woman who was tallying milestones; then, he was disappointed to learn he had to let her down. He was being nice. She was tallying milestones.
Guys don’t understand the markers you have in place to signal deepening interest. As I said before, they date for fun.
Date With Your Head and Not Your Heart | Don’t Have Sex Too Soon
Women with low confidence often have sex too soon in a relationship. We’ve all been there. Right after my divorce, I’m ashamed to say I fell into this trap myself.
When we divorced thirty years ago, I had low confidence. I had low confidence when we married. We were high school sweethearts who began dating between our sophomore and junior years.
Looking back, it’s hard to say it was a mistake because I now have four children and eight beautiful grandchildren. You can’t call that a mistake, but I made many mistakes.
I was raised by a woman whose confidence is still low, so I didn’t have much of a shot of having high confidence myself.
When your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth are low, you don’t understand your value in a relationship. I didn’t know that having sex too soon in a relationship indicates that you’re dating a schmuck. Any worthwhile guy won’t expect this of you.
I’m not saying men don’t want to have sex with you, but a confident man won’t push you into having sex too soon.
Of course, to be dating a confident man, you must have confidence, which brings us back to having sex too soon.
Men can sniff out confidence. It’s in your body language. Confident men see a low-confidence woman and won’t approach her. Players and losers see a woman with low confidence, and they swoop in for the kill.
If you’re wondering why you keep attracting these types of men, that’s why.
Sex is not how you keep a guy. It’s how you lose one of any value. Set a boundary and ensure a guy is worthy of you before letting him have sex.
Date with your head and not your heart, and you’ll lose the players.
Date With Your Head Not Your Heart | Write Your Story
Some of your story is written, but there’s more to write. Make it an adventure story! Those are fun to live and experience.
Your story is a collection of your experiences. What occurred in your life to make you who you are today? That’s your story. There are great chapters and yucky chapters in any story. Nobody has a 100% good story.
You choose how to write the remainder of your story. At first, a man is intrigued by you because you’re new and he knows nothing about you. He wants to have fun and explore. He wants to learn about you, slowly.
After a few dates, he needs more. No, I’m not talking about sex. He needs to be challenged. You need to become mysterious again.
Do that by continuing to add chapters to your story. They don’t have to be glorious adventures, just adventures. For example, try a new hairstyle or color. Take up a new hobby or pursue an old one.
Set some goals and go after them. What do you want to achieve in your life? Do you want a promotion? Do you want to own your own business? Would you like to travel? Figure that out and then decide how to make it happen.
Not only does this enrich your life, but it shows the man you’re interested in that you seek personal growth. It tells him you’re not likely to dote on and smother him. It also tells him you value yourself.
But writing your adventure story does one other thing. It helps you build more confidence. Each time you challenge yourself, you build more confidence and become mysterious to him. He wonders what you’ll do next. Now, you’ve started to date with your head and not your heart.
Understand Men
Much of what you find on this website ultimately boils down to two topics. First is understanding men, and right behind it is helping you build more confidence.
Without a doubt, these are the two most important topics to any woman who is either in a relationship or seeking one.
Do you want to find a great guy? Build or rebuild your confidence.
Would you like to learn how to keep your great guy? Build or rebuild your confidence.
Do you want your ex back? Rebuild your confidence.
Understanding men is always an undercurrent because men and women are so different. We communicate differently. We love differently. Men and women view important things differently.
Until I started working for Gregg, nearly ten years ago, I didn’t get any of this. My confidence needed some work, and I was clueless about men.
Today, my confidence is much higher, and I have a greater understanding of how the male mind works.
As you consider your next dating move, I encourage you to click the links in this article and read the books I’ve added at the bottom. I don’t get anything for encouraging you to do either, other than knowing I’ve pointed you in a good direction.
Gregg is genuinely passionate about helping women. I hear it in his voice every time we speak, and it’s evident in his videos. He wants to help you enjoy an excellent relationship with a great guy! That’s my hope for you as well!
Go forth and have fun! Date with your head and not your heart!
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