Will I ever find love? When will I meet my soulmate? And why haven’t I yet?
I get asked these questions often and it made me start to wonder why people are still single when they shouldn’t be.
On Saturday nights, I enjoy going out to watch the dating world unfold. On Sunday mornings, I often wonder, how many people didn’t meet last night.
Sometimes, my watching is at a bar while other times it’s at a wine-tasting, a fair or a charity event. I engage women and act as if I know nothing. I observe their behavior to uncover friction points and help them. After I get to know them, I share that I’m a dating and life coach.
It’s amazing and at the same time, sad. I see men and women lacking the skills to approach one another with any success.
Will I ever find love?
This excludes the player, who is working the room, succeeding with women who are clueless to his true intentions.
The good guy is too shy to approach the woman he’s interested in and when he finally does drink enough courage to approach, she shoots him down because he fumbles his words. Little does she know she should be rooting for him, not sending him away.
I watch men stand in line for ice cream, ogling the attractive woman ahead of him but too shy or afraid to say anything to her. I see him wanting to say something but instead, his fear paralyzes him and he says nothing. She retreats, licking her ice cream. He’s left licking his wounds.
Why!? I believe there are several reasons for these potential relationships to never materialize.
Technology removed your ability to approach and engage a man in conversation. Why approach a stranger when you can sit online and look at profiles all night?
It’s sad to see people on a date, both texting away on their phones at something seemingly more entertaining or interesting than the person across from them.
I came from a different generation. I don’t want to sound old but, in my day, I had to pick up the phone and call a girl if I was interested in her. There was a fear of being shot down but if I wanted to date her, I had to ask.
Technology depersonalizes dating. You scroll through dozens of profiles, find a few you’re interested in and send smiles, winks or messages. There is very little risk and no human contact.
The issue in dating and meeting new people is low self-esteem and confidence. Even the pickup artist doesn’t have a lot of confidence in himself or he would seek meaningful, long-term relationships.
Childhood delivers brutal blows. Acne, not making the varsity team and the awkwardness of puberty beat you up, as does peer pressure. Add to that the desire to date a guy who’s out of your league and you’re sitting in class, fanning a cold sweat.
Now, you begin dating and experience the inevitable breakups. If the relationship ending is brutal, you walk away with your confidence needing resuscitation.
Since most people lack the skills to rebuild their confidence themselves, they traipse through life, relationship after relationship, dinging their confidence a little more each time.
It’s no wonder nobody was brave enough to at least say “Hi” last night!
When you’re out with friends, use body language to your advantage. Avoid standing huddled with friends. This doesn’t say “Welcome” to a guy who’s nervous to begin with. Walking with your head down, shoulders shrugged and eyes focused on your phone isn’t inviting to an interested man either.
Your body language should be inviting. Stand facing the room with your shoulders square and head up. Make eye contact with others in the room and let them know you’re approachable. If you’re sitting at a table, save a seat next to you, leaving an unspoken invitation for someone to approach.
An innocent, accidental brush up against a man’s arm or a quick comment like “Don’t you love that new chardonnay?” can give him the courage he needs to respond or approach at a later time.
Compartmentalized Social Lives
How long you spend trying to meet someone new each week? One or two hours, right? This is compartmentalizing your social life. Weekends are for looking for a mate. Week days are for working and maybe a girls night.
You miss opportunities at the grocery store, gas station, gym or church to meet special someone. Sure, you might see someone you’re interested in, but you tell yourself that’s not the place to meet someone.
The same tactics that work across a bar work over bins of tomatoes and cucumbers. Pass by or barely touch his arm, making an off-hand comment like “I can just see these strawberries topping off my margarita later”. This opens the door to further communication and helps a shy guy who is afraid to make the first move.
How Can You Make A Course Correction?
Check Your Inhibitions At The Door
My friend, Mike was 100% uninhibited. He’d walk up to a girl, or group of girls and say the craziest things. Those watching would sometimes feel embarrassed for him but the girls loved him! He was the one we all secretly wanted to be – uninhibited and living life without worrying about what others think.
I learned something from Mike because I’m like that today. I’m the guy who’ll fearlessly approach a group of women. I enjoy observing their response and getting to know them.
When you’re confident, you’re able to realize your own value. You can approach one guy or a group of guys and not be worried about what they’ll think or whether or not you’ll crash and burn.
You recognize that you’re worthy and have something to contribute and share with another.
How Do You Reduce Your Inhibitions?
Take small steps toward an ultimate goal. Don’t expect to jump into the deep end. Make a goal of simply saying hello to one stranger tomorrow.
Just say “Hello” with a smile. One of two things will happen – they’ll reply or ignore you. Tell yourself it doesn’t matter. You won that round. You broke out of your shell.
After a day or two, ramp things up. String together something like, “That shirt is really great!” That’s it. Don’t go into it with the expectation of a love affair. Just make a kind comment to a stranger.
This is desensitization. You slowly face your fear and reduce the associated anxiety by creeping up on absolving it. You’re not trying to conquer the world, just your little corner. Face your fear and get rid of it!
But What If They Don’t Respond?
People will respond, but if they don’t, who cares! This is where you have to check your negative self-talk at the door. Rather than internalize a lack of response, tell yourself either they’re too busy, too engrossed, too shy or unfriendly. None of those have anything to do with you.
Here’s the cool part. Most will respond. People want to talk. Many times, they’re too shy to initiate the conversation or engrossed in what they’re doing and just don’t notice you.
Now, approaching that hot guy at the wine tasting doesn’t make you sweat through your dress shields. You can confidently walk up to him, sniff your glass of wine and say “Hmm, fruity with a hint of arrogance!” Laugh at your own joke while he laughs along with you.
Learn To Understand Men
Understanding men is paramount to confidently approaching the right man and getting his attention. The male mind is different than the female mind and yet few women take the time to understand the difference.
You able to communicate better with a man when you understand how his mind works. You’re more confident because of your deeper knowledge of what’s gone wrong in past relationships.
Women think men are confident and strong. It’s his job to approach and initiate a conversation. Yet, the good guys are often fearful. Men are strong but we still fear being shot down, especially in front of friends.
If a man sees opportunity for failure, he’s less likely to try. You have to be stronger, at least at first. Root for the guy who fumbles his words. Silently cheer him on. Smile at him, be patient and kind. If he’s struggling that much, he’s into you.
Don’t Become One Of My Statistics!
Will I ever find love? When will I meet my soulmate? And why haven’t I yet?
I challenge you not to become one of the millions of people who never met last night. Change your body language, build up your courage and confidence and make yourself more approachable to the right guy. He’s watching you and he wants to come over and say “Hi”, he’s just shaking in his boxers at the thought of it!