Gregg, I’ve been dating this guy for a couple of months, and I really like him, but how soon is too soon to propose?
I’m afraid that if you’re asking this question, you might not like my answer, but let’s dive into this topic and see if we can come to an agreement.
Short versus Long-Term Gratification
There’s a popular study often called the Marshmallow Study, during which a researcher gave a group of four-year-olds one big fluffy marshmallow. The children were told that if they could wait to eat the marshmallow until the researcher returned from running a quick errand, they would get not one, but two big fluffy marshmallows.
Some children ate theirs, others did not during the fifteen-minute absence of the researcher.
Many years later, the researcher followed up with these same people. The research showed that the children who couldn’t wait as four-year-olds were still seeking short-term gratification while the children who were able to wait then now also enjoyed the gift of waiting for long-term gratification and had happier lives overall.
In other words, if you wait longer, there is usually a higher reward, in this case, a greater chance of success in the marriage and a happier relationship.
How Soon is Too Soon to Propose?
It can feel like each week is a month long if you’re waiting for a long-term commitment, especially if you feel a strong connection to a guy.
But slow down friend. Let’s make sure that before you dig into a commitment like marriage that you’re sure this guy is worthy of you and that your relationship is truly on course for long-term success.
The truth is that the longer you’re able to wait, the better, within limits of course. Let’s look at some signs that it’s too soon.
It’s Been Less Than a Year
While it’s true that some couples get engaged faster, your odds of success increase the longer you wait.
Within that first year, you may still be in the honeymoon phase, and if you aren’t, you probably aren’t long out of it.
It’s unlikely that you’ve experienced enough together to know for sure that you’re a good fit for one another. You’ll understand better after you finish reading.
You Don’t Know Much About One Another
It takes time to get to know someone really well. Even if you’ve made the mistake of sharing too much too soon, you still don’t know the important things.
Learning about someone comes more through experiences together and less through their words. He may say he loves kids, then whenever you’re around your nieces and nephews, he shies away. That’s your real answer.
You should know what he does for a living and what his goals are for his career. The two of you should be comfortable sharing your vulnerabilities as well. These things may seem small, but they add up over time.
You’ve Either Had Ugly Arguments or No Arguments
A good relationship has disagreements, but if both parties are good communicators, those arguments don’t get ugly.
Instead, you learn how to navigate them, and you work through things together.
If you’ve never argued, you aren’t being honest with one another. One or both of you are afraid to express your true opinions, which means there isn’t a great feeling of trust between you yet.
One of Both of You are Struggling Financially
Entering a marriage on solid footing is challenging enough. Entering one when one or both of you are struggling financially brings many new challenges to the situation.
If you’ve read my articles and followed my advice, you already have your financial act together, but if you haven’t, it’s time.
Financial soundness isn’t just something I recommend for your relationship; it’s something you should strive for regardless. It provides you with a freedom that’s hard to ignore. It also proves to any interested man that you want him for more than his financial support.
How do You Know It’s Time
Some believe that two years is a good timeframe to use, but setting a definitive timeframe doesn’t take into consideration the characteristics of your individual relationship.
For example, if you have a long-distance relationship due to living apart or military deployment, you’re not spending as much time together as a couple who lives in the same area.
When you live close, you may enjoy one or two date nights a week, maybe even more. But if you don’t live close enough, you may get one date a month or less if it’s military-based.
It’s the time you spend together that will better determine a timeframe. Of course, this doesn’t mean that if you’re long distance you need to wait a lot longer, but you do need to make sure that you know one another well enough to consider such a big step.
You’re Still in the Honeymoon or Infatuation Stage
One problem with jumping into marriage too soon is that you might not be giving the relationship enough time to stretch past the honeymoon phase when everything is glowing and fun. The chemistry is high, and you’re very attracted to one another.
You can read more about the stages of a relationship here.
As you can read in the article linked above, there are many dangers of a proposal during this initial phase of your relationship, not the least of which is ignoring the red flags.
This stage is a highly emotional stage of the relationship, which overrides your overall ability to use logical thought. The chemistry is hot and all you want to do is spend time together.
The problem is that if you do see red flags, you’ll dismiss them as inconsequential. You can read more about dating with your head, not your heart here.
Another risk is wanting to spend so much time with your new guy that you give up your life outside of the relationship. Your hobbies and activities with your friends are sidelined to spend more time with your guy.
But, you need time apart from one another too. Even when you’re living together or married, you need time to yourselves.
This stage is also at risk where honesty is concerned. During this phase, you’re essentially trying to market yourself to the other person. You want to put your best foot forward, and that may not fully reflect who you are.
And, of course, the last leads us back to our topic for today. In the honeymoon phase, you may have higher than reasonable expectations for your relationship, thinking you’re ready for a long-term commitment way before you really are. Expect this stage to last three to twelve months.
You’re Able to Communicate Effectively
Poor communication is a relationship killer. If you can’t talk to one another, how can you have a good relationship?
The problem is that people think of communication as talking, few realize it’s also about listening. In fact, one could argue that listening is more important than talking.
Another problem with communication is that some folks communicate through yelling. This intimidating form of communication is akin to bullying and gets you nowhere. Couples who yell often have problems staying together.
A third problem with communication is when people can’t be honest or share their vulnerabilities. It’s scary to tell someone about your soft underbelly and men are as afraid of this as women. But once your relationship settles in and moves past infatuation, you should feel more comfortable sharing.
You’ve Discussed Marriage
You’ve been dating for a few months, and you hear wedding bells, but how does he feel about marriage? Conversely, how badly would you feel if you didn’t want to get married and he proposed?
Even early in dating, it’s okay to discuss marriage in general. Feel one another out about marriage and even kids. While he might be into marriage, he might not want kids while you can hear your biological clock ticking loudly.
Better to know where you each stand on the topic before you get too far into things, and someone has higher expectations than the other person is willing to commit to.
You’ve Met the Important People
You can learn a lot about a man by how he treats others and how they treat him. With his family, examine how he treats the females in his family. Is he close with them? Do they respect him?
The last thing you want is the family saying Honey, run away before it’s too late! And this does happen! A family who knows their guy is a schmuck but likes you will advise you to get out. Take their advice.
With his friends, you can look at whether they respect him and how they are around him. Also, this is a good time to look at how he treats you when you’re out with his friends. He should not ignore you and should protect you. He should treat you with respect regardless of where you are, to be honest.
You’ve Passed Some Important Milestones Together
Marriages are challenging enough without jumping in too soon. A relationship that’s been well-tested has passed a few milestones.
The first is that you’ve experienced and survived an argument. You learn how you both handle a disagreement between you and whether you’re each willing and able to forgive after.
No relationship is perfect, so knowing how this shakes out is very important to your long-term success. If you can’t argue well, all bets are off. It will be a rocky ride.
Another dynamic to settle is how your marriage will be run. Is he in charge? Are you? Do you share in the control of the relationship? Do you want kids? Who will stay home with them, if anyone?
A third hurdle is traveling together. You learn a lot about someone when they’re away from home. It’s a more stressful situation because you’re in unfamiliar territory. Flights get cancelled. Bad weather creeps up. Hotel rooms turn out to be mold infested. You get to see one another at your best and worst.
Plus, you’re spending nearly 100% of your time together. Does this bring you closer together or make you feel anxious?
He Has All of the Traits of a Good Man
Just last week, I posted an article about the qualities in a good man. You can find it here. Make sure your guy checks a lot of those boxes, specifically confidence and great communication.
If he has one or two of those traits, but that’s it, it doesn’t make him a good man. You want him to have most of those traits, not just a couple.
You also want to make sure that while he exhibits those traits early on, he continues to do so after the infatuation has dissipated and you’re seeing more of his true self.
You Consider Yourselves a Unit
Your best friend texts and invites you to a party at her house this weekend to celebrate her thirtieth birthday. Do you say, “Yeah sure I’ll be there” or “Year sure we’ll be there”? It’s subtle but important.
Additionally, when you think of your future, do you include him? Is it we or I? You might subconsciously already have your answer right there.
Most of Your Goals and Values Align
If one of you values family and wants a large family while the other values experiences and travel, you may have a problem.
You need to make sure that you align in the important areas of life. Where do you want to live? City? Country? Suburbs? Do you want to own or rent? Do you want to travel, live abroad, or settle down where you grew up?
These things are very important and if discussed too late can really cause problems. Make sure you’re both on the same page in whatever key areas matter to you.
The Bottom Line on How Soon is Too Soon to Propose
I’d like to say trust your gut here, but there’s more to it than that this time. Your gut is a great indicator of whether this guy is a good guy once you’re past the honeymoon phase, but just because he’s a good guy doesn’t mean it’s time to get married.
The signs above should help you decide when it’s the right time for the two of you. I can’t give you some number of months or years, just things to look for in each other and your relationship.
Take your time and build a great relationship together. Know who he is and what he stands for. Be willing to trust him and make sure you’re both excellent communicators.
This will get you off to a great start on your future lives together!
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