How to Find a Great Guy
Knowing how to find a great guy isn't some big secret! You just need to take the right steps, which, of course, you'll find here!
Find a Guy | Table of Contents
Strategies for How to Find a Boyfriend
Do you feel like you find a guy only to discover he is somehow worse than the last one? Are you tired of dating losers? Do you just want to find a great guy?
Every Saturday morning, I wake up wondering how many people didn't meet last night because one of them was too afraid, too shy or lacked the confidence to walk up to someone they're interested in and initiate a conversation.
I hear this all the time – “Gregg – where are the good guys? Tell me how to find a boyfriend!”
Trust me, they’re out there and they’re just as frustrated. They want to find the great women too! There are a few challenges standing in your way!
- Not understanding the true root cause of the problem
- Not having high enough dating confidence to snag great men
- Knowing where to look, who to look for and what to look out for so you don’t snag another loser
- Not fully understanding men so you can read the cues, manage your relationships and get what you want
Many people turn to outside forces to explain failures. If you don’t get a promotion, it’s because someone stole it from you. It has nothing to do with the fact that the person who did get the promotion was probably more qualified.
When it comes to finding a boyfriend, you may head either to the bar or to your computer. While you may have some luck in online dating, the truth is that you’re more likely to find Mr. Right in places you’d never expect. Often, when you’re out and you see an interesting man, you just misinterpret what he’s thinking.
There is a huge disconnect between what women think are the purposes of men’s thoughts and actions and what those purposes really are. This isn’t your fault, after all, you’re not a man. Once you learn to understand men, this disconnect will turn into successful connections!
In the following text, you will find a great amount of information on how to find a guy. Some of it might not seem pertinent until you read it through and fully understand why it's here.
How To Find A Guy: Understand The True Problem
Your subconscious and unconscious minds mess with your thinking to protect you from feeling the uncomfortableness of the truth. That’s why it’s so easy to blame someone else when you know, deep down inside, you’re at fault. We all do this.
When you seek external causes for your problems, you aren’t able to truly address the problem. It is only when you look within that you find the cause and are then able to fix things. At its core, the problem is most likely low self-esteem and low confidence.
As we sift through a few signs of low self-esteem and low confidence, you will likely see some that hit pretty close to home. That’s great because once you find the bad roots, you can chop them off and let new, healthier ones grow!
You're Very Needy
Neediness equals low confidence. When you’re needy, you need to find a boyfriend to feel whole. This isn’t a healthy way to enter a relationship. The problem is something’s missing in your life, but it’s not a man. It’s true happiness and confidence.
Happiness comes from being true to yourself. It’s found when you look at your values and live your life to honor your values. If you value good health but engage in unhealthy behaviors, you’re not in tune with your values.
Instead of trying to fill the void with things, uncover your values and work toward living an honest (with yourself) life. Work toward ending behaviors which fly against what you truly believe.
Additionally, work on growing your confidence. There are several books available on this site which will help you with that and you will find them here.
You have "A List"
You have created either the wrong list or a very long list of criteria you use to find a boyfriend. A stringent list is a shield. No man can meet all that criteria. You don’t have to put your heart out there just to get it broken…again. Look at your list. Can any man meet your requirements?
What does your list say about finding a man who values volunteering for your favorite cause? Is there anything on your list about whether or not he values the money he makes or blows it on his wardrobe (yes, men do this too)?
Your list should help you find a guy whose beliefs, values and goals are closely aligned with yours. You don’t want to find a boyfriend who hates to travel if one of your goals is to travel the world.
You're Too Quick to Write Him Off
When you first meet a guy, don’t expect the immediate spark. Don’t look at him from date one as if you’re planning a wedding. Just sit back and begin to learn who he truly is. This will take more than one date.
Have fun with him without the pressure of wondering if he’ll propose. Don’t look for milestones where none exist.
Give things time and see what develops. Men rarely fall in love on a first, or even a fifth date. They fall in love in a kind of ah ha moment – they suddenly realize they’d rather be with you than their friends. They suddenly realize they’re still intrigued by you and still chasing you after four or five months. You want to do the same. Don’t mistake lust for love.
You Believe It’s Easier To Be Alone Than To Settle
Waiting for the perfect guy isn’t a bad thing, as long as you know what he looks like when he arrives. The longer you wait, the more ‘perfect’ he must be. You think “I’m not getting any younger” or “I’m only going to do this once”. A lot of pressure is placed on a relationship.
It’s easy to come up with fake flaws when you're trying to find a boyfriend. You don’t like his shirt or he’s got a man bun. You don’t want to date a dentist or a truck driver. When you’re not confident, you believe being alone is better than settling for fake flaws.
Come up with three must-haves. Should you share the same faith? Should he want children? Is he an environmental type or into animals? Pick your top three and make them musts. The rest is negotiable.
Your Confidence and Self Esteem Need Some Work
Women often tell me their confidence at work is high but their dating confidence is low. Is your confidence in all areas of your life is lower than you’d like? You’re not alone!
Building your confidence doesn’t mean sticking your nose in $100 worth of books. It means finding the right book, like Comfortable In Your Own Shoes to guide you.
Nobody is harder on you than you. Every flaw you perceive in yourself is magnified like you’re looking through a fun house mirror. Negative self-talk doesn’t boost your confidence or ability to believe in yourself.
When you begin using affirmations and positive self-talk, you see an immediate improvement in your self-esteem and confidence! Men can sniff out low confidence women easily so you’re not fooling anyone! Take time, while you’re single, to improve yours and it will be easier to find a guy!
You Have The Wrong Friends
Don’t scoff. Your friends are often the gateway to a great guy. Someone knows someone and bang, you’re set up.
The problem is when your friends aren’t in healthy relationships themselves or are emotionally unhealthy people.
Since we tend to draw people to us who are most like us, looking at what your friends have going on can clue you in to what you’ve got going on.
Don’t hang out with friends who only want hookups if you want to find a boyfriend. If your friends are cheaters or have their own commitment issues, they’re not your best resource.
Additionally, friends like this bring you down. They’re more negative and we’re going for positive! Find your healthy, positive friends. Hang out with them! These are the people who will bring healthy connections into your life!
You are a Closet Man-Hater
Some women have been burned so many times by losers that they’re man-haters. Do you find yourself saying things like “All men suck” or “They’re all cheaters”? You might be a man-hater. Do you believe every break up you’ve experienced was his fault? Perhaps you hate every one of your exes. If any of these describe you, you’re sending out a man-hater vibe and limiting your ability to find a boyfriend.
The only mistake you’re really making here is generalizing your own bad experiences to the entire male population. We’re not all bad, I promise. The real question to ask is why are you drawing in these losers? The most clear-cut answer is that you need to boost your self-esteem and confidence. Losers are drawn to low-confidence women. They’re the only ones who will date them.
Build Your Confidence to Find a Guy
As you read in Step 1, confidence plays a large role in your success when you want to find a boyfriend.
You might be a very confident woman when it comes to your work, being a mom or working on your favorite hobby while still lacking confidence when it comes to dating.
Confidence is our belief in our ability to do something, which is why it can vary across different areas of your life. Chances are, since you're here looking for advice on how to find a guy, your dating confidence is lower than you would like.
While many of my books will help you build your confidence, they are targeted toward specific areas, like finding a guy, understanding a guy or keeping your guy. I do have a few books that are targeted just toward building your confidence and those are shown below.
In addition, you can check out the Build Myself area of this website. There you will find more information and a broad collection of articles on the topic.
Have Goals
It might not seem as if learning how to find a guy can be about having goals, but if you keep reading, you'll learn why this is a really big deal!
When you have goals, you're challenging yourself to do new things and soar to new heights. Even simple goals like redecorating a room or losing five pounds push you to explore yourself and what you can accomplish.
Goals help you stay focused and provide a direction for your life. If your goal is to improve your career opportunities, you're likely to have steps like advancing your education or engaging in some sort of training. Those are focused activities.
If your goal is to lose thirty pounds, your steps may include adding a workout routine to your day and eating healthier meals. Those are also focused activities.
In addition, when you're working toward a goal, you are busy. While it seems counter-intuitive, being busy is a great way to let a man know you're a confident woman. YOU are the one in control. If he wants to date you, he will find a way to rank high on your priority list.
Watch the movie "Last Holiday" sometime. LL Cool Jay's character is attempting to gain a date with Queen Latifah's character and he approaches her saying, "I know you're a busy woman so I wanted to get on your schedule early." Whoever wrote that understands how confident men think when it comes to pursuing a woman.
If you want help with goal-setting, be sure to check out Comfortable in Your Own Shoes.
Take Risks
Here is another instance where you might not understand how taking risks can help you learn how to find a boyfriend, so let's dig in.
Taking risks is often about facing fears. You may feel it's risky to climb to the top of the bleachers at a sporting event because you have a fear of heights. Face it. Climb halfway this week and next week, go a little further. Ditch the negataive self-talk that says you can't do it or that you'll for sure fall and keep climbing.
When you take risks, you're creating your story, which is already being written. You're adding chapters, intersting chapters!
Part of what attracts a man and keeps him coming back is your story, which is unique to you. Regardless of how many women he's dated, your story is different and he's dying to hear it...but not all at once. He wants to hear it bit by bit, a little each time you're together.
Taking risks builds confidence because there is a little voice in your head who's always telling you that you can't do something. "You can't get that promotion, you're not good enough." "That guy will never go out with you until you get your nose fixed." And on and on. Own that nose. There is a great guy out there who doesn't care. Go after that promotion, even if it means taking classes when you're afraid you'll fail.
Life is an adventure and the sooner you hop aboard the train, the sooner you'll find a boyfriend.
Pursue What Makes You Happy
Happiness doesn't come from dating man. It comes from how you live your life. Whether you realize it or not, you have values and living your life true to your values is one way you can be happier.
Another way is to do things that you enjoy. This might be pursuing opportunities relating to what you're passionate about, whether that's Special Olympics, soup kitchens, animal shelters or visiting people in nursing homes.
Find a hobby, something you can do with your hands, and go after it! Learn everything there is to know about it and invest yourself in it. It can be anything from carpentry to photography to cooking or sewing. Pursue art or journaling. It doesn't matter. Try different things to see what fits.
This also keeps you busy and helps you write that interesting story. When you're looking for ideas on how to find a guy, this is a biggie! You might even find your boyfriend at the soup kitchen, also a volunteer, or maybe he's into photography as well. Sharing an interest like that is a huge way to bond!
Understanding Men: Another Key to Finding a Guy
No lesson on how to find a guy would be complete without teaching you how to understand men. Women have complicated minds. You’re able to multi-task and communicate much better than men can. Men, on the other hand, have rather simple minds. I’m not saying they’re dumb. They’re just less complicated than you think!
Let’s begin by talking about one of my top selling books, To Date A Man, You Must Understand A Man. This book is a must-have for any woman, regardless of her dating situation. If you’re in a relationship, you need this book. If you want to find a boyfriend, you need this book. And if you just broke up and you want him back, you need this book.
That just scratches the surface of what you’ll learn:
- How to communicate with him like his male friends
- How men determine a keeper
- Three things men require
- Five mistakes women often make without knowing it
- A method to test him and find out if he’s the one
This book uncovers the secrets to understanding a man, such as the secret covered in the video below.
Great Men are Everywhere
Great men are everywhere. They’re looking for confident women with high self-esteem. They know what confident women look like to them and they’re searching – for you! The most likely problem you have is not trying to find a guy where he is.
The high value man is not hanging out at a bar unless his friends drag him there, especially if he’s in the market for a great woman. Bars are where men usually go for hookups or what I like to call rest stops. In order to find a boyfriend, you need to look where he is. Seems logical, right?
When you know where to look, the rest becomes easy. In the following few paragraphs, I’ll begin to outline where these great men are and how you can find them!
How to Get a Guy Interested in You | How to Find a Guy
How to Find a Guy by Understanding Men - Great Reads
How to Find a Boyfriend: Find a Guy and Draw Him In
Once you have worked through the issues in Step 1, it's time to learn how to find great men and draw them in. Notice I said men, not one man. While it probably goes against everything you believe, I encourage you to date multiple men. And yes, I mean at a time. It is okay to date more than one man at a time, until you have made a commitment to one.
Finding a great guy and drawing him in isn't as challenging as you might think, especially if you gather the right tools and have a better understanding of how the male mind works. Then, you can find a boyfriend without any trouble at all!
Why Date More than one Man at a Time?
I sometimes catch some flack for suggesting that women date more than one guy at a time, however, what most women don't realize is that those men are already doing that very same thing.
When you date someone new, you have no commitment to one another. You're just learning about one another and you are nowhere near ready to make such a commitment.
Dating is about trying people on to see who fits. You can't know that on a first date. It takes multiple dates doing different things together to figure out whether you might be a great fit together.
Meanwhile, you're dating other guys too, to see how they might fit. When you are dating more than one guy at a time, you begin to learn what you like and dislike. This is how you find a boyfriend!
You can compare how one guy approaches your time together versus the others. You can discover what personality quirks really get under your skin and which ones are actually endearing. You learn what you like and dislike. Sometimes one guy will bubble to the top and he'll become your guy.
Another reason for dating more than one guy is that it motivates each one of them to try a little harder. You don't need to come right out and say you're dating other men, but when one texts last minute and wants a date, only to find out you already have plans, he'll step up his game and be sure to get on your schedule the next time.
The men who don't try harder probably wouldn't be in it for the long haul anyway. They're either not that interested in you and therefore not motivated enough, or they're not confident enough to think they can compete. Either way, good riddance.
Let Him Chase You
Dating is an adventure for men. Many men love the chase and if you take that away, they lose interest before they become fully hooked on you. The trick, then, is to let him chase you...always.
How do you accomplish this?
Don't Overshare
The easiest way is to avoid oversharing your entire life story in less than three hours. Spread it out over many dates. Let him discover all your nuances over time. There is no reason to share everything on the first date.
While you might feel as if it'll help him love you faster, what your'e really doing is taking away the mystery, which he craves. Instead, let him learn different things about you over time. If he starts asking tons of questions, whether it's in an email exchange or in person, switch the conversation over to him.
You can even joke about it, "Gee Scott, if I tell you everything today, what will we talk about next time?" with a smile on your face, of course.
Get Busy
A man needs to feel challenged by you and one way for him to feel this way is for you to be unavailable sometimes. Don't get so into a new guy that you stop pursuing your hobbies or spending time with your friends.
Continue the activities you were doing before you dated him. If you're too available, it doesn't challenge him. This sends a signal that you're a confident, independent woman. This is a good thing!
Doting on a man 24/7 is not a good thing. He'll eventually feel smothered and will want out.
Let Him Think He's in Charge
The key word here is think. Men want to feel like they're in charge, so your goal is to let him think he is. This doesn't mean you aren't in charge. It just means you need to be clever about how you maintain control.
Always Work on Your Confidence
Life has a way of dinging your confidence. It can come from something as simple as someone making a rude comment, without recognizing that it strikes a nerve. It can also come from bigger life events like not getting a promotion or not doing as well as you expected on a project.
Look for those types of events and then work on your confidence. Men are very attracted to confidence so when you feel it sinking a little, take a moment to work through whatever happened. Understand why that made you feel less confident and then rebuild. Many women underestimate the impact this has on their ability to find a boyfriend.
Date Other Men
I know this might not seem like a great idea, but I can guarantee you that when you first start dating a man, he's dating other women too. You don't have a commitment from this guy or any other, so there is nothing wrong with dating other men.
He probably assumes that you are, so there is no point in rubbing it in his face. Just elude to other plans if he asks you out on a date and you're busy. He'll work harder to become more important in your life.
Make Him Earn Sex with You
Sex on a first date is never a good idea. It sends a signal that either you're low on confidence and you think this is how you can attract this man or you're only in it for a hookup.
Either is probably not the signal you want to send when you want to find a boyfriend. Additionally, you're a confident, independent and high value woman. He must earn the right to sleep with you! He'll do this by building your trust in him, by showing you he's a respectable man and by treating you with respect. A man who doesn't prove himself to you doesn't belong between the sheets with you.
Text Like a Man
Men and women communicate differently. Men text a few words, and not usually immediately after they receive a text. A response might come an hour or two later, maybe even the next day. You probably already know this and are truly aggravated by it.
Your job is to text like he does. Wait a couple hours unless his text requires an immediate response. When you do reply, use as few words as possible to convey your message. He won't read your three-screen long text so don't bother sending it.
A Few More
- Flirt with him
- Dress sexy sometimes
- Don't dote on him
- Save the drama for your female friends
- Dump him if he fails to meet your standards
- Don't text all day every day, leave something to talk about
- Have opinions and be able to make decisions
- Let him know when he gets something right
- Balance being aloof with being attentive
Let Him Chase You
Dating is an adventure for men. Many men love the chase and if you take that away, they lose interest before they become fully hooked on you. The trick, then, is to let him chase you...always.
How do you accomplish this?
Don't Overshare
The easiest way is to avoid oversharing your entire life story in less than three hours. Spread it out over many dates. Let him discover all your nuances over time. There is no reason to share everything on the first date.
While you might feel as if it'll help him love you faster, what your'e really doing is taking away the mystery, which he craves. Instead, let him learn different things about you over time. If he starts asking tons of questions, whether it's in an email exchange or in person, switch the conversation over to him.
You can even joke about it, "Gee Scott, if I tell you everything today, what will we talk about next time?" with a smile on your face, of course.
Get Busy
A man needs to feel challenged by you and one way for him to feel this way is for you to be unavailable sometimes. Don't get so into a new guy that you stop pursuing your hobbies or spending time with your friends.
Continue the activities you were doing before you dated him. If you're too available, it doesn't challenge him. This sends a signal that you're a confident, independent woman. This is a good thing!
Doting on a man 24/7 is not a good thing. He'll eventually feel smothered and will want out.
Let Him Think He's in Charge
The key word here is think. Men want to feel like they're in charge, so your goal is to let him think he is. This doesn't mean you aren't in charge. It just means you need to be clever about how you maintain control.
Always Work on Your Confidence
Life has a way of dinging your confidence. It can come from something as simple as someone making a rude comment, without recognizing that it strikes a nerve. It can also come from bigger life events like not getting a promotion or not doing as well as you expected on a project.
Look for those types of events and then work on your confidence. Men are very attracted to confidence so when you feel it sinking a little, take a moment to work through whatever happened. Understand why that made you feel less confident and then rebuild. Many women underestimate the impact this has on their ability to find a boyfriend.
Date Other Men
I know this might not seem like a great idea, but I can guarantee you that when you first start dating a man, he's dating other women too. You don't have a commitment from this guy or any other, so there is nothing wrong with dating other men.
He probably assumes that you are, so there is no point in rubbing it in his face. Just elude to other plans if he asks you out on a date and you're busy. He'll work harder to become more important in your life.
Make Him Earn Sex with You
Sex on a first date is never a good idea. It sends a signal that either you're low on confidence and you think this is how you can attract this man or you're only in it for a hookup.
Either is probably not the signal you want to send when you want to find a boyfriend. Additionally, you're a confident, independent and high value woman. He must earn the right to sleep with you! He'll do this by building your trust in him, by showing you he's a respectable man and by treating you with respect. A man who doesn't prove himself to you doesn't belong between the sheets with you.
Text Like a Man
Men and women communicate differently. Men text a few words, and not usually immediately after they receive a text. A response might come an hour or two later, maybe even the next day. You probably already know this and are truly aggravated by it.
Your job is to text like he does. Wait a couple hours unless his text requires an immediate response. When you do reply, use as few words as possible to convey your message. He won't read your three-screen long text so don't bother sending it.
A Few More
- Flirt with him
- Dress sexy sometimes
- Don't dote on him
- Save the drama for your female friends
- Dump him if he fails to meet your standards
- Don't text all day every day, leave something to talk about
- Have opinions and be able to make decisions
- Let him know when he gets something right
- Balance being aloof with being attentive
How to Find a Boyfriend The Old Fashioned Way
Why not use some old fashioned methods to find a guy? Before we had the Internet and cell phones, men and women met one another in more traditional ways. Who knew, right?
Women are always surprised when I give them this suggestion for finding a guy. Start out by brainstorming maybe 50 different ideas for hobbies, things you're passionate about, adventures you'd like to take, etc. Now, narrow that list down to ten. Get on Meetup.com or use another resource to choose two of these ideas and get moving.
When you do this, you expose yourself to new groups of people you have things in common with. This takes the pressure off your desire to find a boyfriend and helps you focus your energy on what you love. Finding a guy becomes the byproduct, not the goal.
Find A Guy While You’re Having An Adventure!
What better way to find a guy who likes to hike than to bump into him while you’re hiking? Hit the trails and see what, or who, turns up. If hiking isn’t your thing, try kayaking or even just hanging out at the beach? If you’re into antique cars, go to antique car gatherings or visit a local car museum.
Get out in life and do things. You’ll never find Mr. Right by sitting at home, wallowing in how lonely you are. For an added bonus, make your adventure something that you’re afraid of like white water rafting, sky diving or doing one of those rope bridge excursions. There are tons of ways to get out and experience life, most of us just busy ourselves with nonsense to avoid doing something we’re a little afraid of.
Find A Guy At The Shelter
No. I don’t mean to seek out a homeless guy. I’m saying your great guy is volunteer effort away. Maybe he’s serving at the local soup kitchen or he’s at the local animal shelter walking dogs.
When you’re confident, you’re participating in activities and you have things in your life about which you’re passionate. Maybe it’s tutoring children or volunteering at your church. When you find a boyfriend whose passions and interests are similar to yours gives you the opportunity to build intimacy together through activities you both enjoy. You start your relationship on common ground.
While finding a great guy is one part of the challenge, the other part is keeping your great guy, once you find him. That’s a topic for a different day but know that sharing interests is one great way to bond.
Find a Guy Using Confidence
In my best-seller, The Social Tigress, you learn how to round out your confidence with a few challenges. This is done while also guiding you on where to find great men. This book gives you:
- Four immediate steps you can take, right now, to start attracting men
- Five (almost) guaranteed ways to meet quality men
- A shift in your mindset from feeling lucky to be chosen to becoming the chooser!
- Techniques to attract men without using sex
- Tools to recognize and avoid the shark in the room
This book has helped hundreds of women navigate the single scene and find a great guy! If you’re over 40, a better book might be Middle Aged and Kickin’ It, which targets your different stage in life. In this book, we look at the impact of coming out of a long-term relationship and how you can begin to move forward in your dating life. You will learn to:
- Manage the baggage which comes with dating over 40
- Feel amazing in your body, regardless of your perceived flaws
- Have fun while dating and avoid getting too serious too quickly
- Navigate this new phase of your life with confidence and pizzazz!
These two books begin to lay out the dating scene for you. Regardless of your age, you’ve got what you need to get started in those two books!
Find a Guy with Science
As it turns out, there is science behind attracting a guy you’re interested in to you. In my book Night Moves: The Science Of Making Him Fall In Love With You, you learn the exact steps necessary to make one glance to possibly forever. Here's one insight from the book: red lipstick attracts men!
This book holds all of the secrets to drawing a man closer to you:
- The clothing you wear
- The five steps you must take to draw him to you
- Mirroring and the concept of similarity
- Body language techniques you must know before you go out again
- An overview of love languages and how to use his
This book holds so much more than those few bullet points. The information inside this book was thoroughly researched but it’s been presented to you in a non-science way so you’ll get it. If you’ve read any of my books before, you know I’m not a complicated writer!
Books on How to Find a Guy
Read More About It
Below are the most recent articles about finding a great guy. These are just the tip of the iceburg. Please feel free to click on them and learn more about the wonderful fun you can have seeking out your great new guy!
Finding a guy should be fun, not a chore!
I hope you’ve found everything you need on your journey to relationship bliss as you’ve read through the material on this page.
Navigating Love: Proven Strategies to Avoid the Friend Zone with Men
Finding yourself in the friend zone is disappointing and frustrating. Learn how to stop ending up in this place!