Relationships and jealousy can seem like they go hand-in-hand, but they don’t need to. Today, let’s dig into what jealousy is, how it impacts relationships, and what you can do to get it out of your relationship.

What is Jealousy?

Just so we’re both on the same page, let’s get the definition of jealousy out there.

Jealousy affects people of all ages, genders, and sexual orientations. It is a complex emotion that can cause a person to feel fearful, humiliated, and even enraged. Jealousy most often rears its ugly head when there is a perceived threat to a valued relationship, and the threat comes from a third party. The threat may or may not be real.

Why do People Feel Jealous?

You might want to blame your jealous feelings on your partner, but the truth is that they originate within you. It’s a you problem, not a him problem. But that doesn’t tell you why, so let’s go there.

Low Self-Esteem

Believing You are Inadequate

When you have low self-esteem, you feel insecure and inadequate. You feel like he’s only dating you until someone better comes along. Or you may feel as if you don’t deserve a great guy like him.

Since you feel this way, you also feel that he will wise up soon and leave you for someone better.

Feeling You Aren’t Enough

Being enough has become a bit of a buzzword lately, and I am not complaining. Everyone is enough, regardless of who they are or what they’ve gone through. And yet, many people feel that they are not enough.

Not enough to keep a great guy in your life.

Not enough to deserve a great guy or a great relationship.

Not enough to enjoy or deserve happiness.

This has the same result as low self-esteem. You are just waiting for your guy to realize this as well and leave you.

An Ongoing Cycle of Self-Doubt

These feelings of inadequacy and not being enough create an ongoing spiral of self-doubt. They show up as jealousy and often end your relationships, which then furthers your negative feelings about yourself.

Past Experiences

For anyone who’s been abandoned in their early life, a fear of abandonment isn’t just a threat, it’s very real.

Additionally, if you’ve been in romantic relationships previously where someone cheated on you or caused you to distrust them, you’ll have a heightened sense of awareness, perhaps too heightened.

These past experiences are not predictors of the future, however, even though they feel like they should be.

Fear of Losing Someone

Just like abandonment, some folks experience a significant loss early in their lives, and it makes them a little more fearful than the average person to fear that same loss in relationships.

You finally find a guy you think is a great guy for you, but you’re so fearful of losing him, like the loss you experienced before, that you become overprotective of the relationship, usually to its detriment.

Comparing Yourself to Others

Before social media, you might compare yourself to a cute waitress or woman across the room, or perhaps a work colleague.

Now that social media has become such a big part of life, you have thousands more women to compare yourself to, and this isn’t a good thing.

AI has made this even worse because now people can generate the ‘perfect’ person, at least in their eyes.

What’s so important to remember here, however, is that there is no ideal person – no perfect. Each individual finds something more or less attractive about others. Some guys might be into women who are overweight while others want someone who is bone thin.

Some guys might be into long blonde hair while others like dark curly hair.

And you cannot know ahead of time what the guy you’re interested in is into. He might be one of the smarter fellows who sees the person inside you and isn’t as interested in your physical looks.

Working Through Mental Health Challenges

Someone who is already dealing with depression, OCD, or anxiety may be more prone to jealousy.

These thought patterns tend to already make you feel as if you’re not good enough or strong enough to battle things, so it can be a natural transition into feeling jealousy as well.

Possessiveness

Someone who has a misguided sense of being able to own another person may feel as if that ownership extends to their significant other.

Consequently, if that partner even glances at someone else, jealousy rears up and roars.

Is Jealousy Healthy for Relationships?

A small amount of jealousy is okay because it can say, “Hey, I’m really into you and that thing you just did there made me a little uncomfortable.”

The truth is that if you care so little for your relationship that you don’t even try to defend it against invaders, that’s a problem too.

If you’re using a little bit of jealousy to protect your relationship, then it’s not harmful and is, in fact, helpful.

The trick is not crossing the line into crazy town.

The trick is to recognize that it’s okay to have a twinge of jealousy from time to time, but you must then engage in a healthy discussion about what has made you uncomfortable.

The key is the communication. You and your partner must be able to come together to talk about what happened, why it made you uncomfortable, and how the two of you can work through the problem.

What Can You Do About Relationships and Jealousy?

The solution lies in what is causing the problem.

As you can see from the reasons listed above, each one will have a more direct solution, which can often be helped along with some counseling.

Raising your self-esteem, learning that past experiences of abandonment don’t indicate future incidents of abandonment, and so on.

Additionally, there are a few things that might help:

• Open, honest communication where you not only speak but listen
• Determine what the root cause of your jealousy is so you can address it
• Set healthy boundaries in your relationship – things you can both agree upon and adhere to

Wrapping Up

It’s normal to feel a little jealous from time to time, and it can even be healthy if it’s in small doses and you address it.

But when jealousy takes root and branches out to the point that you’re driving by where your partner said he was going to be, just to check and make sure he’s there, that’s unhealthy.

Needing to know where he is every second of the day is unhealthy.

You must allow someone to build trust with you. Treating a new guy who hasn’t broken your trust like the last guy who did break your trust isn’t fair to the new guy.

So your first job is to decide if your jealousy is healthy or overblown, and then to address it appropriately.

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you can be blindsided by his charm and early behavior.

This guy seemed perfect. He showered you with attention and when you were around him, it was like nobody else was in the room. He was so charming, you found him almost too good to be true.

Well, he was…too good to be true that is.

Don’t get me wrong, not all charming men are narcissists, so don’t discount all of us right off. Some are great men.

How can you tell if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist?

Being in a Relationship with a Narcissist is Like an Amusement Park Ride

When you’re first dating a narcissist, he seems like this totally great guy. He does what’s often called love bombing, which is showering you with the affection and attention you’ve always wanted from a guy.

This is how he sucks you into his web. You’re the fly – he’s the spider who’s weaving little tendrils of his web all around you.

He’ll come off as one heck of a smooth talker, saying things like:

• You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met
• Don’t you agree that we’re perfect for one another?
• I can’t imagine my life without you in it

This all sounds great, but buyer beware – he’s reeling you in, one smooth line at a time. He’s making you feel like the most special woman on earth. What he’s really doing is using these tactics to get you right where he wants you so he can control you.

He Lacks Empathy

A narcissist is incapable of being empathetic.

He will dismiss your feelings and even mock you when you’re upset. He will minimize your problems as no big deal. He’s incapable of seeing your world through your eyes, for the simple reason that there is no positive impact on him.

Life with a narcissist is a life where it’s all about him, always. It will never be about you.

Being in a Relationship with a Narcissist Means Constant Admiration

This guy needs you to continuously tell him how wonderful he is. His ego cannot go even one moment without stroking.

If he isn’t getting the compliments he thinks he deserves, he’ll fish for them by bragging about something he’s done.

Your one job in a relationship with a narcissist is to worship the very ground he walks on, every minute of every day.

It’s exhausting because no matter how much praise you deliver, it’s never enough. It’s like your praise and admiration goes right through him, without stopping. In one ear, out the other, so you must continue feeding it in.

He is a Master Manipulator

Narcissists feed on manipulation. It’s like the food they need to keep living.

To this end, a narcissist will try things like gaslighting, twisting your words, playing mind games, and so on, until you reach a point when you can hardly tell what’s real and true and what isn’t.

The more confused you are, the better he feels.

The silent treatment is one of the big tools in the narcissist’s toolbox. If you fail to admire him enough, or heaven forbid, make something about you instead of him, he’ll just stop talking to you or threaten to leave you.

This is control and manipulation and it’s part of his master plan.

Being in a Relationship with a Narcissist Means Gaslighting

I mentioned this just above, but it deserves its own section here.

Gaslighting is the ultimate form of manipulation because the goal of it is to force you to question your own sanity.

He may deny things he’s said previously or put words into your mouth that you don’t think you said. He knows these are lies, but he doesn’t care. He wants you off-balance.

A narcissist might accuse you of being too sensitive. He might tell you that your memories are incorrect.

The goal is long-term. The more he can keep you confused about what either of you said, or how you feel, the more he can control you by digging at your self-esteem and confidence.

Narcissism is a Diagnosable Mental Health Condition

This isn’t just some guy who’s difficult to be around. This is a person with a mental condition that makes him unsuitable for relationships. Some of the criteria for diagnosing someone of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) include:

• Feelings of grandiosity
• Lack of empathy
• Ongoing need for admiration
• An over-inflated sense of self-importance
• A feeling of entitlement
• Exploiting others for personal gain
• Preoccupation with fantasies of power, success, and his own brilliance

Is There a Happy Relationship with a Narcissist?

The quick answer is no.

A person suffering from NPD needs mental health care. The traits they exhibit make it very difficult for them to be in healthy relationships that are fulfilling and emotionally stable for both individuals.

The person who isn’t narcissistic in the relationship will suffer a lot of damage to their emotional well-being.

Nobody can listen to constant criticism, be with someone who lacks empathy and tries to gaslight them without suffering negative consequences.

Phases of a Narcissistic Relationship

Idealization Phase

This is often called the honeymoon phase in a healthy relationship. This is when he’s love bombing you, giving you attention, and being grandiose with his adoration of you.

Remember, this is all manipulation to get you to be so enamored with him that you’d never leave.

Devaluation Phase

You’ll know when you’re here because the admiration of you stops and the criticism begins.

He’s moving from loving every single thing about you to nitpicking every single thing you do and telling you constantly how wrong you are.

In the devaluation phase, you believe you can’t do anything right. His goal here is to make you more dependent on him and to lower your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth.

Discard Phase

Lucky for you, sort of, at some point, the narcissist will have his fill of ruining your life and he’ll dump you so fast you won’t know what happened.

This is confusing and makes you doubt yourself. What did you do wrong?

Don’t get too excited about him ditching you though, because this is a power play. He wants to see if you’re damaged enough by his constant barrage of negativity to beg him to come back.

Hoovering

Much like the word implies, this is where he wants to suck you back in again. He’ll apologize, promise to change, and make grand gestures that indicate he’s a new man.

This is simply more manipulation to get you back. If he’s gone, let him stay gone. The old patterns will emerge as soon as he’s sure he’s got you stuck in his web again.

How to Regain Yourself After a Relationship with a Narcissist

The best advice I have for you is that you seek professional help. This person has done significant damage to your mental well-being, and without professional help, you’ll either end up with another narcissist or you’ll end up back with this guy.

Remember, his goal was to make you completely dependent upon him and he now believes that you cannot live without him.

But you can, and with professional help, you will!

Outside of that, try to focus on these two things:

• Rebuild your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth
• Prioritize self-care

A narcissist preys upon women he perceives have low confidence, so your best offense is a good level of confidence and self-esteem. He sought you out because you presented yourself as low confidence through your body language.

When you improve your confidence, this will automatically improve as well. Think of confidence as the kryptonite you need to keep narcissists away!

Wrap Up: Relationship with a Narcissist

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is both exhausting and deflating. It makes you question yourself and even your relationships with those who care for you.

Your self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence will dip to all-time lows, thanks to this person who thinks he deserves everything in the world, at your sacrifice.

Coming out from under this type of relationship is not a task to undertake by yourself. Reading a few articles online will all tell you the same things: set boundaries, rebuild your confidence, and so on, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to seek professional counseling.

Even if all you can afford is one visit, make it a good one! Counselors understand your limitations of time and money, but they’re there to help. A good counselor will provide you with the tools you need to rebuild yourself and understand that you were not the problem, regardless of what he made you think.

A partner with narcissism has a diagnosable disorder that requires treatment. You cannot fix this person. You can only fix you!

Mike, already once divorced, thought he had found himself the perfect woman in Jolene. She was energetic, kind, and seemed to have a big heart. In addition, she had a young son with autism who lit up something inside of Mike, who had three children of his own.

After dating for quite some time, Mike decided it was time to propose. The only problem was that his children and family could see Jolene for who she was, and Mike couldn’t.

Jolene was being manipulative in a relationship, and the victim was an unsuspecting Mike, who rarely saw the bad in anyone.

As time drew closer to their pending wedding, which was small, and to be in their small home, Jolene became even more of the woman his family saw.

She threatened suicide if the wedding didn’t happen and feyned illness. Additionally, she claimed an undying need for Mike to remain in her life.

The odd thing was that Mike wasn’t balking – he was all in. Never a hesitation about the wedding. But her behavior persisted, right up until wedding day.

Mike and Jolene are still married, although not happily. Unfortunately, Mike has developed serious health issues and really cannot leave. His physical handicaps prevent him from holding many jobs, and he was laid off in a massive, big corporate layoff more than a year ago.

Relationship Red Flags

So, what happened? What does it look like to be manipulative in a relationship? How can you get out of a relationship like this? All those answers and more…

What Does it Mean to be Manipulative in a Relationship?

Sometimes, like in the case of Mike above, we cannot see the forest for the trees, as they say. We cannot see what’s right in front of us, either because we don’t want to see that we could be so very wrong about someone, or because we fear that if we lose this relationship, there will be no other.

Here are some signs of a manipulative relationship.

You See Signs of Control and Exploitation

The intention of someone who is manipulative in a relationship is to control the other person and have the power to get what they want.

A master manipulator learns the weaknesses of their partner and uses those against you to get what they want from you or the relationship.

As long as their tactics work, the manipulation will continue.

How does the manipulated person feel? Someone who is being manipulated in a relationship will have a sense of being emotionally drained, anxious, fearful, doubtful of their own needs, thoughts and feelings.

There is Emotional and Psychological Abuse

These are signs of things that nobody wants to believe they’re susceptible to, and yet, we all can be.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term that goes all the way back to a movie from the 1940’s in which a husband tinkers with the gaslights of their home, telling his wife that nothing is going on when clearly, she can see the lights dimming. He was attempting to get his wife to question her sanity.

The term has been adopted by psychologists to describe this form of emotional abuse during which one person manipulates another by getting them to question their own sanity and perceptions.

Someone who is gaslighting you has an ulterior motive, which only serves them in some way. They will lie, blame you for things, and minimize your feelings to move your perceptions where they want them to be.

When someone is gaslighting you, they make you feel as if whatever you’re thinking or feeling is not valid, or that they aren’t worthy of notice. The ultimate goal of someone who is gaslighting is to avoid accepting responsibility for whatever wrong they’re doing.

The motivations are many. Some do it for money, others for control and power.

Manipulative in a Relationship with Passive-Aggressive Behavior

We’ve all heard of passive-aggressive behavior, but what is it exactly?

When someone is being passive aggressive as a form of manipulation, they may employ one of several tactics:

• Indirect expression of their negative feelings – instead of using words to express how they feel, they will use a lack of words with plenty of actions like sulking, giving you the silent treatment, or procrastinating on doing something
• Hidden hostility – sarcasm is a great example of passive aggressive manipulation, but not the only one; backhanded compliments and intentional mistakes are also examples; the passive-aggressive person might misrepresent your job by saying, “This is Kate, she changes diapers for a living” instead of telling someone that you’re a registered nurse
• Resisting cooperativeness – someone is being passively-aggressive when they agree to do something and then fail to follow through; they can also sabotage the situation in some way, making it impossible to move forward; for example, your boyfriend might have agreed to give you a ride to a job interview, then either not show up, or show up so late that going to the interview is pointless
• Guilt-tripping is another great weapon in the passive-aggressive toolbox; this is where someone says something like “Don’t bother…I’ll just do it myself”; it’s meant to guilt you into doing whatever it is they wanted you to do in the first place
• Baiting – a passive-aggressive person will use dramatic and overblown gestures like big heavy sighs or pouting to get you to ask what’s wrong and concede to whatever it is they want you to do

Lying and Blaming

No master manipulator is going to accept responsibility for their actions. They don’t want to control themselves, in fact, they cannot. They want to control you.

To keep from accepting responsibility, they will lie about their role in whatever is going on, or they might exaggerate the truth, so they look better in the situation.

For even more bang for their buck, a good manipulator will place the blame on you, making you doubt yourself and your version of what you think just happened.

The lies a manipulator tells aren’t the harmless little white lies like when a woman says, “Honey, do I look okay in this dress?” and her once-bitten twice shy partner says, “Yes, you look lovely” regardless of the truth, so he doesn’t hurt her feelings. Those aren’t the lies I’m referring to. Those lies try to protect someone’s emotional well-being, not destroy it.

Manipulative in a Relationship with Threats and Coercion

Now, we’ve arrived at Jolene’s tactics.

Some manipulators will use threats or even force to get someone to do what they want them to do. An often-employed tactic is to threaten to leave the relationship if your partner won’t do what you want him to do.

Some will threaten harm, as Jolene did, to make sure that they remain in control of the situation and get what they want. Some manipulators will go to great lengths to make sure you comply, even to the point of harming themselves.

Self-harm is not to be taken lightly, however, so if your partner resorts to this tactic, it requires immediate professional attention.

The Silent Treatment

Nothing drives a relationship partner crazy more than being on the butt end of the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is a tactic during which the manipulator will go completely silent on their partner if the partner is doing something undesirable. For example, if we use that job interview example from above, we can assume that instead of waiting for their partner to arrive (late), the manipulated person either drives themselves or calls an Uber to get to the interview.

The manipulator, incensed at the boldness of the person they’re trying to manipulate, may use the silent treatment to enforce the point that they feel they were wronged. Never mind that they were the one doing the wrong in the first place. The manipulator is always the one who was wronged.

Some manipulators will use sex and affection as tools by withholding them to punish you for whatever it is you did wrong in their eyes. The only way to get them to concede is to admit you were wrong, even if you weren’t. The manipulator wins and you’re left accepting responsibility for something you didn’t do.

Other manipulators will withhold information. Perhaps after you Uber’d to the job interview, you got a letter stating they want another interview, or maybe even a phone call saying you’re hired, but you weren’t there to receive it, and your manipulative partner was. They may withhold that information from you to keep you from doing something they don’t want you to do.

Isolation

Probably one of the worst tactics of a manipulator is isolation from your friends and family. This is an especially useful tactic because it allows them to use their mind control tactics without the intervention of people on the outside who can see what’s really happening.

The last thing a manipulator wants is for you to have someone show you what’s happening and rescue you from the situation.

The opposite of this can also happen. In this case, the manipulator will try to win over your friends and family by getting them to argue for their side. They may present their lies and half-truths to your family to get them to encourage you to stay in the relationship, for example.

Ultimately, the goal of the manipulator is to use your family, or the absence of your family, to keep you under their control.

How do You End Up in a Relationship with Someone Who is Manipulative in a Relationship?

A manipulator does not choose his victim at random. He studies you and maybe even dates you a couple of times to see if you’re a good candidate or if he should move on.

What is he looking for?

Low Confidence and Self-Esteem

With low confidence and self-esteem, you’re more likely to doubt yourself, making many of his tactics work very well.

Gaslighting, for instance, works very well on someone with low self-esteem because you already doubt yourself on many things. He can capitalize on that and really get you to believe whatever he wants you to believe.

People-Pleasing Behaviors

People who are people-pleasers have low confidence. They tend to believe that saying no to someone will cost them the relationship, so they say yes to keep it.

People-pleasers also have no boundaries, and boundaries are one layer of armor against a manipulator. If he senses he can get away with anything with you, he’ll pounce.

How does he know? Sex on the first date. Being too willing to do whatever he suggests. Allowing him to do or say things to you that go beyond what is acceptable to someone with boundaries.

Non-Confrontational

Some folks don’t like confrontation, and that’s okay, but when it combines with these other traits, it means you’re likely to let him do whatever he wants, even if you don’t like it, because you don’t want the conflict.

A manipulator can run all over you with his various tactics and he knows that you won’t say a word.

Mourning or Battling Something Difficult

People who are either mourning a loss or battling something difficult often have their defenses down. They’re more vulnerable to manipulators because their mind is somewhere else.

Manipulative in a Relationship: His Tactics

The first thing a manipulator will do is assess you to see if any of these fit. Low confidence and low self-esteem often show up in body language, so he probably knows this one before he approaches.

He’ll avoid confident women altogether, saving himself time and possibly being outed.

He will also gauge your social connections to see how many friends you have, whether you’re a friend on the fringe of the group or deeply involved. Those on the fringe are greater targets.

He will also assess your strengths and weaknesses, but this usually occurs once he’s introduced himself. He’s still assessing in the early dating days, but if he’s dating you, you’ve passed a couple of his tests already.

Initially, a manipulator will be charming beyond belief. He’ll seem like the guy you’ve been longing for with all the proper manners and words. He will flatter you, help you do things, and appear to be a very caring man.

But once he’s gotten himself in the door, so to speak, he will begin his manipulation. It will come so slowly that you won’t see it coming. It’s like the old saying, put a frog in hot water and he’ll jump out, put him in cold water and turn up the heat and he’ll never realize he’s cooked.

One of the first tools he will employ is to isolate you from your support network of friends and family. He can’t have them telling you that he’s manipulating you. That would never do. In isolating you, he’s also making you more dependent on him. What you would once have gone to them for, you must now go to him for.

Once he has you isolated, the real manipulation can begin. It’s at this point that he can gaslight you, devalue you, and so on.

Not every manipulator uses all the things above, and there are other tactics that some will use that aren’t mentioned above.

Signs You May be in a Manipulative Relationship

You’ve read all the ways in which someone can manipulate you, but what are some signs you can look for to determine whether you’re in one?

• You always feel on edge and/or anxious but you’re not quite sure why
• It’s difficult for you to make decisions
• You have low feelings of self-esteem, like not believing you deserve to have good things in your life, or that you aren’t worthy of a good relationship
• Your family and friends are no longer part of your life
• Your partner telling you that you’re overreacting to something or that you’re being dramatic
• You have opinions and feelings, but your partner consistently dismisses them as worthless

What to do if You’re with Someone Who is Manipulative in a Relationship

The most important thing for you to understand is that manipulation is emotional abuse, and it’s no less harmful than physical abuse.

Manipulative in a Relationship: Recognize the Signs

You have them just above, and if some or all of them start to resonate, chances are good that you’re with someone who is manipulative in a relationship.

Again, understand that he is emotionally abusing you, and even if you don’t have the physical scars to show it, you do have emotional scars.

He will tell you that nobody will believe you – that you look perfectly fine. But I guarantee you that those who understand emotional abuse will see the scars. There may be a hollow look to your eyes, or a sense of flatness in your personality that cue others in. Trust me, he’s lying to you – people will see it, easily.

Rather than try to deny that this has happened to you, recognize how he has scarred you, emotionally, and perhaps physically. You should not feel ashamed because he abused you.

He may try to play the victim in the situation, but he is the perpetrator, and everyone will see it that way, even though he will try to tell you otherwise.

Create an Exit Strategy

There are professional organizations out there who help women just like you. It’s crucial that you connect with one of these organizations.

Chances are, if you’re on the Internet reading this, you’ve already found some way around his restrictions. Use the Internet to reach out for help. I encourage you to use private web browsers to do your searching and outreach. Search histories can be reviewed.

If you are someone who is able to get out of the house from time to time, arrange to meet with someone who can help you.

Removing yourself from this type of situation is not often easy. A manipulator does not like to give up his prey. He’d rather not hunt for another victim but keep the one he has. Additionally, many manipulators see their target as their property, and they don’t like to lose their property.

Work with the professionals and do the things they recommend so you can remove yourself from the situation. They have all the resources, including safe places for you to stay and counseling.

Manipulative in a Relationship: Document His Behavior

If you have access to your cell phone, try to secretly record his rants, speeches, and other ways he manipulates you. Get as much as you can on a recording using your video app. You don’t need to see him in the videos, just hearing is enough. This will be helpful to you if you require legal assistance later.

Prepare Yourself for the Aftermath

There will be fallout from leaving a manipulative relationship, but it isn’t anything you can’t handle.

Work with the professionals to find a counselor who can help you with the emotional challenges you will face. They will help you deconstruct what happened and help you believe in yourself again.

Additionally, know that he will try to reach out again and win you back. Early on, it might feel safer to go back, but you can’t. If you do, it will be that much more difficult to leave again.

Instead, change your phone number, get a new address, and tell your friends and family that they are not to give out this information. For a while, if the situation was really bad, it might be best to hide away from everyone. That way, nobody can slip or be coerced into providing valuable information.

Focus on Healing

Now is not the time to look for a new relationship. You have a lot of work to do on yourself first. You have many emotional scars to heal, and working with a professional counselor will help you do that.

Your energy should be on yourself, and if you have children, their well-being. Nobody else matters as you work to become a strong, confident woman with a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

It is possible! I believe in you. Reading this article is an important first step because it shows that you know where you are right now and you want something better for yourself.

Wrapping Up Manipulative in a Relationship

I feel like I’ve painted a grim picture for you, but being targeted by someone who is manipulative in a relationship is not a fairy tale story with a pretty ending.

Not all manipulators are as extreme as some of what you’ve read. Take Mike from the beginning of the article, for example.

He does still have a relationship with his mother; however, his wife does not participate in any family events. This is her way of controlling those situations. Jolene’s big manipulation was getting Mike to marry her. Past that, she’s satisfied with small manipulations, such as not attending events.

Additionally, Jolene uses contrived medical conditions, usually similar to conditions someone else in the family has, to avoid working – anywhere. Mike suffers from serious back issues, and yet he cleans, cooks, does the laundry, and all other chores.

And most of the time, Mike appears to not only go along, but believe that she has these conditions, setting aside his own health in lieu of her perceived health issues.

On the surface, Mike appears to be a happy guy in a good relationship. Those closer to him know differently, but he’s not fighting it so they let it be.

Can you stay in a mildly manipulative relationship like that of Mike and Jolene? Sure. You may even be able to set some boundaries and establish some small sense of control.

I will close by saying that people who are manipulative in a relationship are suffering from poor mental health of their own. These are not strong, confident people, even though they might seem to be. Many are battling either narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Others might be battling antisocial personality disorder, which is likely the cause of Jolene’s manipulative behaviors. Still others are battling disorders like anxiety or depression, also possibilities or Jolene.

Manipulators crave control because they feel their life is out of control. They have the same low self-esteem that they saw in you. Some may be in it for personal gain, usually financial, but sometimes to achieve a goal or gain power. And finally, sometimes manipulators want to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.

As you distance yourself from a manipulator and heal, you’ll wonder how you didn’t see the signs before you got involved. Your counselor will work you through that too.

Whether you stay or leave, I encourage you to seek professional counseling. If the case is mild, as in the case of Mike and Jolene, encourage your partner to seek counseling as well. You could end up in a happy relationship or you may end up apart, but either way, you’ll both be healthier people in the end.

Walking away from someone who doesn’t value you takes tremendous strength and resolve, and yet, you might be feeling neither of those.

I’m Kirbie and I’ve been working with Gregg for more than ten years. I’ve been through this, and I just know I’m not alone, so today, I want to help you make your decision.

How do You Know if He Doesn’t Value You?

The first, and most obvious question to ask is how do you know he doesn’t value you? You’re probably second-guessing yourself on your decision.

You see glimmers of hope in small, yet infrequent gestures he makes. Your mind says see, he does love me! And you carry on as if all of the million and one signs that show he doesn’t value you fade into the distance.

Allow me to share my story.

The Story of J

Distant Past

I’m gonna call this guy J. I’ve known J now for nearly twenty-five years. When we first met, there was chemistry, which I was good at mistaking for love. I was also just out of a long-term relationship and needing validation, so I fell for all of it.

I would say we stayed together that first time for several months. It’s been too long now to recall how long but he said and did all of the right things, most of the time.

More Recent Past

But let’s fast-forward to say the last ten years. I must preface this by saying I haven’t spoken to or seen J in about eighteen months, but in the eight plus years prior, I was still falling for his crap.

The problem with J is that when I’m with him and he’s into the relationship, he’s everything you could want. Attentive. Loving. Giving. Then, out of the blue he pulls the rug out.

The pattern goes something like this:

• J’s attention for anywhere from a few weeks to a few months
• K falls for it, hook, line, and sinker
• J falls off the map – no text, no phone call, doesn’t show up for dates or isn’t home when I go at a pre-appointed time
• K gets fed up and swears this is it
• J shows up again, pouring on the charm
• Rinse and repeat

What finally broke the cycle for me was that I realized he was never going to change. Yes, it took me a long time but understand that we may go two to three years in between points of contact.

What really helped me the most was working with Gregg over these last few years and coming to build my own confidence. The last time J and I were ‘together’, I was mostly in it for companionship – someone to go to a movie with, that sort of thing.

The Truth

But the truth is that he didn’t value me, and I chose to ignore it for many years. I probably did it in part because my confidence was low and you know, any attention is good attention.

But as my own confidence has grown, so has my lack of tolerance for the crap. Over the last six or so years, I’ve strictly sought that companionship. He was always the one who wanted more.

So the real truth is that he lacks confidence in his ability to be in a good relationship and I’ve seen that for several years, so each time I went into a new encounter with him, it was eyes wide open.

Just because I understand relationships better doesn’t mean I’m not human. I’m capable of falling into the same traps as everyone else. When you care for someone, you want them to be the person you need them to be.

Waking up to the reality that they’re never going to be that person can be a rough wake-up call indeed!

So, How Do I Know He Didn’t Value Me?

He Didn’t Often Ask How I Was

Most of our conversations were about him and what he wanted in a relationship. If I would say, “what about what I want?” the conversation would flip to me for a tiny while, then go right back to him and what he wants.

Over the last five plus years, I’ve been taking care of my parents. My father just passed away three months ago, and he had dementia. The struggle is real, and life was sometimes very stressful and/or very challenging.

Not once did he ask about my parents or me.

There Was No Curiosity About My Life

I have eight grandchildren who are very important to me. VERY important. He was never interested in talking about them and never asked about them. In fact, I couldn’t get him to engage with anyone in my family.

He did when we first dated because we have kids who are all in the same age range, but now that they’re all grown, nothing.

He never asked what I did as a career either, which feels odd, but he was retired over the last few years due to a traumatic brain injury, so work wasn’t important to him.

Our Agendas Were Different

We may not have spoken for maybe three or more months, and I would get a text that went something like this:

Let’s get married in Jamaica in June (text received in April)

The old me would have glowed at the possibility. The more recent me just thought uh huh.

As I said, my agenda was companionship. Someone to go to a movie with or enjoy a nice dinner out. His was marriage.

There Was No Mutuality

Mutuality means that what you receive, you give, so in a relationship it means that if I am giving caring and interest in his life, he should be giving me the same.

He wasn’t, as I already said.

Our relationship was a one-way street.

He Didn’t Seek Me or My Opinion Out

I consider myself to be an intelligent woman and yet he never asked my opinion on anything.

In fact, as a sign of his low confidence, he is unable to make many decisions without years of deliberation. Way back when I was dating him twenty or so years ago, he wanted to buy an airplane. It took him five years to decide on one.

Last we spoke, he was wanting a new electric vehicle. He researches and researches. He does test drives. For years! Still no EV – or at least not last time I saw him.

He Failed to See How His Actions Impacted Me

Of course, I learned a long time ago that he was unreliable, but back when I still believed he would follow through (we’re talking fifteen or more years ago), I’d get ready for a date with him only to be still sitting home alone hours later.

He’s always had some amazingly dramatic story about why something else was more important than even a text or phone call to let me know he was coming.

I’d say in the last five years, I never believed he would follow through. He never acknowledged that he got even the slightest idea of how his actions impacted me.

He Treated Others Differently

I think this was the most confusing part for me. He would treat me like crap and bend over backwards for other people. When I’d call him out on it, he was always full of justification for his actions.

It was his kindness towards others and the way he went out of his way to help other people that drew me too him. I could never understand why he never tossed any of that my way.

It’s important to look for this with someone who doesn’t value you. Do they value anyone or is it just you they’re treating badly?

If he’s doing it to everyone, he’s an all-around schmuck, but if it just seems to be you, then he truly doesn’t value you and it’s time to move on.

So Why Did I Stay “In” So Long?

I stayed in it for so long for the same reasons you’ve stayed. You keep hoping he’ll change, and just when you’re about to give up on him entirely, he tosses you a breadcrumb that pokes at the little voice in your head – see, he does care.

Additionally, in the beginning, my confidence was very low. I was a couple of years beyond a divorce, and I’d made the mistake most women make of getting into another relationship too soon. Another schmuck.

I had no clue about confidence or anything else. I just knew I wanted someone in my life to care about me, so I kept dating. I was a single mom to four kids and it was stressful. Having someone to spend time with when they were with their dad helped me decompress, or so I thought.

Let’s look at a few reasons why women stay in this type of relationship.

We Justify the Bad Behavior

You want to believe you’ve made a good choice, that the guy you’re with isn’t just another in a long line of losers you’ve dated.

So, you justify the bad behavior to save face. Of course, your friends and family are shaking their heads and eventually, you stop telling them too much about your relationship because you don’t want to hear more I told you so’s.

The truth is that if J valued me, he wouldn’t have done those bad behaviors. He wouldn’t have skipped dates without a word or done any of the other things he did. I was just too scared of being alone and too low confidence to see it.

We Lose Who We Are

The longer you’re with someone like this, the lower your own self-worth dips. If he doesn’t value you, you can easily begin to lose your own sense of value.

I would set aside my hobbies in lieu of the possibility of a date. Instead of doing something I enjoyed, I was sitting there seething over him not showing up. Again.

We Overcompensate

When you do get those snippets of attention you’re always hoping for, you act like nothing is wrong. He hasn’t treated you like crap for the last two weeks, or longer.

Another overcompensation tactic is to allow him to say things that are unkind without standing up for yourself. You’re so relieved to have the morsels of his time that you ignore it.

It’s like a child who has discovered that the only way to get his parents’ attention is to act out, except it’s twisted around. He’s acting out and you’re glad for the attention.

We Keep Coming Back for More

Early on in this whole relationship with J, cell phones weren’t nearly what they are today so doing things like blocking people wasn’t an option.

Now, I have him blocked and deleted from my phone. This keeps me from having a weak moment and texting him first.

One time a few years ago, I thought I’d blocked him everywhere and he sent me a message via Facebook. I hung out with him a few times again before getting fed up and blocking him.

In the early days, every single time he’d send me a message, I was all in again. Looking back, it’s pathetic but there it is anyway.

We Let Them

The bottom line is that a guy gets away with this because we let them. Instead of standing up for ourselves, we just keep taking whatever these guys are willing to throw our way.

I know it seems easier than it really is because, as you have read, I lived it and it was very hard for me too.

How Does Being in An Invalidating Relationship Impact You?

There are quite a few negative consequences to being in a relationship where you aren’t valued. But with help, you can overcome them.

Feelings of Inadequacy

When you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you, it makes you feel as if you’re the one who is damaged. You aren’t enough.

Your self-worth declines because of the imbalance that’s happening in your relationship. The end result is that you might feel as if you don’t deserve to be loved. This guy is wonderful, and he doesn’t love you. How would another guy?

Low Self-Esteem

The feelings of inadequacy are about your self-worth, but your self-esteem is also damaged in these types of relationships.

He doesn’t value you and that leads you to feel as if you aren’t worth being valued. You may doubt that your capable of doing anything right in your life. Your desire to challenge yourself and grow as an individual is negatively impacted because you don’t believe you can.

You Get Frustrated and Feel Resentful

This was huge for me. I would get so frustrated, and not just at him, but at me too for falling for his lies again and again.

That’s why it was easy for me to avoid him for a short period of time but harder as time passed. That frustration wains and the resentment fades and there’s that smile and morsel of attention.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

Now it’s time to get to the heart of the discussion – walking away from someone who doesn’t value you. How do you do it?

Realize You Deserve Better

You deserve a man who will treat you with respect and value you as a human being with thoughts and feelings of your own.

Of course, as you’ve read, being with a man who doesn’t has probably dipped your belief in this statement so read it a few times until it starts to sink in.

The longer you stay with this person, the more devalued and undeserving you’re going to feel. If you think you’ll hurt him by leaving, think again. Remember, if he cared at all, he wouldn’t be treating you this way.

Stop Blaming Yourself

Blaming yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere except deeper into a pit of the crap you’re already feeling.

Did you pick the wrong guy? Yes indeed.

But instead of sitting there blaming yourself, learn from this experience!!

Chances are if you’ve stayed in this type of relationship, your confidence was low to begin with so take some time off and work on it.

A guy like this won’t approach a woman with confidence, so that’s your armor! Your shield against losers is confidence.

Discard the Belief that You Can Change Someone

The only person you can control is you. None of us can change someone else. That other person must want to change and right now, whatever he has going on is working for him.

That doesn’t mean you need to be the one who’s making it work, though!

His behavior is for him to recognize and change. This isn’t your project, and if you’ve made it your project until now, try embroidery or acrylic painting instead. Anything but this!

Just Walk Away – No Scene!

You don’t need to make a scene or prepare an ugly breakup scenario. Just end it. Josh, this relationship isn’t working for me, so I think it’s best that we just part ways.

Now, he’s losing something that he thinks he wants so he may try to argue that he’ll do better.

It’s likely that he isn’t going to do better. If he wanted to treat you better, he’d already be doing so.

What you don’t need to do is make a big scene out of it or cause an argument to get it done.

Recognize His Possible Reactions

It’s possible that somewhere deep inside, he does care about you and just isn’t very good at showing it. If that’s the case, he may do some of the following things.

“Chase” You

Men love the chase. There’s a possibility that he just became bored with the relationship but now that you’ve introduced a ton of challenge, he’s in it again, wanting to chase you.

It’s also possible that once he sees how his actions have resulted in you walking away, he’ll step up his game.

Regardless, don’t be surprised if he tries to chase you once you’ve ended the relationship.

What you do from here is up to you. Two things are possible. One is that he just enjoys the chase and as soon as he thinks he’s caught you again, he’ll slide back into old habits.

The second is that he recognizes that he needs to put more effort into a relationship with you and he steps up his game.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to know ahead of time, however, you’ll soon know if you allow him to date you again. He’ll either stop doing all of the negative behaviors above or he’ll start doing the things he should be doing.

He Might Realize He Misses You

Guys become complacent in relationships and take them for granted. There are things you can do to snap them out of this behavior, but right now, you have to wait and see how willing he is to even try.

So he might realize after you dump him that he misses you. Now, as far as I’m concerned, this is a golden opportunity for him to evaluate his own behavior in your relationship, and maybe he will, but it’s hard to say.

What he may realize is that he wants you back, but the two possibilities are the same as if he wants to chase you, so be prepared to take note of his behaviors.

The problem I had with J was that I was just clueless to the whole thing for the first many years. I was always so tickled that he’d reach out that I didn’t think too much about it until I realized he hadn’t changed.

Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Look for improvement and if you don’t see it, keep on walkin’.

He Might Be Brave Enough to Show His True Feelings

I dated a man once, before J, we’ll call him M. M and I dated for a while and he was actually a great guy, but he had a few annoying traits that I can’t even remember now. I ended the relationship when I just couldn’t do it anymore.

We’d been over for about two months when he called and asked if he could come over. I agreed and he showed up on my doorstep crying. Yes, crying.

He sobbed and begged me to take him back. Said he recognized that he’d made mistakes, and he wanted to have another try – no, he begged me for another try. So, I gave him one, but whatever it was that he’d been doing was still going on because the second try only lasted a few weeks.

He May Finally Understand the Consequences of His Actions

Actions have consequences. When you walked away, you established a boundary for how you would allow yourself to be treated. You drew a line in the sand and said I won’t take this crap anymore.

You might have tried to talk to him about his behavior before. I did with J. Like J, he may have promised to do better but never did.

But now that you’ve walked away, he sees the consequences of his actions. Before, you just indicated there would be consequences but never followed through. Following through on consequences is always the best plan.

He may straighten up because he now sees that if he wants to keep you, he must.

He Might Actually Prioritize the Relationship

Snapping him to attention by leaving might cause him to realize that this relationship is important to him. With any luck, he’ll quickly recognize that he needs to do better and will make your relationship a priority now.

Hear him out and, if you want, give him another chance.

He May Not Come Back at All

It’s also possible that he’ll just head off into the sunset and seek out another victim. That’s okay. You were being treated disrespectfully and now, that guy is gone.

In this instance, it’s time for you to take a few actions of your own.

What to Do After You End the Relationship

This is the most powerful time in your life. You’re free of a bad relationship and you have time to burn on you.

Take this time to do a few things for yourself so that when you’re ready for a new relationship, and that is not now, or tomorrow, you’re able to attract a man who will treat you much better!

Evaluate Past Relationships

Take a look at your past relationships. Is this a pattern of behavior for the men you date? If so, there are two things wrong. The first is that your confidence is low, and we’ll address that soon.

The second is that you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. There’s every possibility that once you build your confidence, this problem will take care of itself, but there are things you can do to make sure you look for the perfect man for you.

Make a list of the men from your past, preferably guys you’ve dated for at least a few weeks. Put each man’s name on a paper and draw two columns – positive traits & negative traits. Then fill in each for all of these men.

You’re looking for patterns. What negative traits keep showing up? You want to avoid those in the future. What positive traits are recurring? Those are things you should keep looking for.

Also, look at what happened in each of those relationships. Why did they end? Who ended it? You need to be brutally honest about both your role and his so you can get an honest look at what keeps happening.

Chances are that building your confidence will take care of many of the problems you see in yourself, like jealousy, clinginess, and so on.

Build Your Confidence

There it is. I’ve been alluding to it for the past 3600 words. Low confidence women attract low confidence men. Low confidence men behave the way we’ve been describing.

Aside from that, as you read previously, being in this type of relationship reduces your confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem.

Instead of immediately seeking a new relationship, which will make you feel better, but won’t be a better relationship, take some time off from dating to pull yourself together.

How long is difficult to say. I’d recommend at least a couple of months, if not more.

You must not only rebuild your confidence but define who you are as this new, confident woman. You may decide it’s time for other changes like your career, where you live, and so on.

It’s much easier to make all of these changes while you’re single and unencumbered. Take this time to get to know you again. As we age and our life changes, we change too. Values change. Priorities change. Goals change. Look at all of those areas of your life and determine what your values, priorities, and goals are today.

Rather than spend more time here telling you how to build your confidence, there’s an entire section of this website to do that. You can build your confidence by starting here.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You – Wrap Up

In the end, the decision is up to you, but what I hope you choose is to value yourself enough to walk away from someone who does not value you! You deserve better! We all do! I have had zero regrets since walking away from J eighteen months ago.

I still care for him, mostly because his health was so poor, but I don’t talk to him. I don’t seek him out. I don’t drive by his house to see if he’s home. I don’t inquire with his friends. Nothing.

When he comes to mind, I give it a moment, then I move on.

The road ahead is full of reflection and many questions, depending on how he responds to you ending the relationship.

Be smart and wise. Keep emotions out of it if he tries to come back. It’s okay to give things another try, but you know now what he was doing before and as soon as he slides back into those behaviors, exit.

It’s okay to have a sit-down with him and lay your cards on the table. Tell him what’s wrong. He may truly be clueless. This could be the way his parents interacted, and he doesn’t know any other way to be.

Explain how you deserve to be treated and tell him you’ll expect nothing less. It’s okay to give him time to try to be better but keep those lines of communication open and be clear.

When he does well, let him know. Everyone appreciates knowing they’ve done something right. When he starts slipping, kindly and gently explain this to him too.

You’ll know within a few weeks if he’s truly trying to do better or if he just wants to keep treating you badly. Trust your gut!