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What is Micro-Cheating?

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If you’re asking, what is micro-cheating, then you probably feel there’s a problem of some sort in your relationship.

Micro-cheating is often viewed differently, depending on if you’re the one doing the cheating or the one being cheated on.

Today, I thought we’d go through micro-cheating together so I can help you decide if this is something you want to tolerate in your relationship.

First Things First – What is Micro-Cheating?

Micro-cheating is when someone breaches your trust, even if just a little bit. One example is a person who’s married but goes out with friends and leaves their wedding band at home.

Another example is what they would describe as harmless flirting, while you call it too much flirting.

A third example is a partner who is constantly texting his ex while claiming that he only has eyes for you.

Another type of micro-cheating is when you and your partner are out together, but your partner acts as if you aren’t in a committed relationship. He might treat you more like a best buddy than a girlfriend or even a wife.

And one more example is looking and even connecting with someone online while you’re in a relationship with another person.

These actions of your partner make you question your his dedication to your relationship and burn the bridge of trust that you’ve built together.

If It’s Harmless, What’s the Big Deal?

The person doing the micro-cheating might feel like it’s not a big deal, but their partner may feel otherwise.

It’s sort of a gray area – is it really cheating? Is it just harmless banter or conversation?

The real question is what is the trust level of your relationship before you suspected the micro-cheating? If you have a great deal of trust in your partner and you recognize this as harmless because you don’t think he would fully cheat on you, you may not view it as a big deal.

The fact that you’re here tells me that either this is more than micro-cheating, or you don’t have that high level of trust.

Signs of Micro-Cheating

If you aren’t sure whether your partner is micro-cheating, try looking for these signs:

Your partner is hiding the signs of what he’s doing, like closing the laptop when you walk by or shoving his phone into a couch cushion so you can’t see it
He’s prioritizing someone other than you
He gets very defensive when you ask him about someone in particular
There is some new behavior that is not explained in any other way, like suddenly deciding to work late
Your partner is having a lot of lunches out and has even been spotted with an attractive co-worker, but he hasn’t shared this info with you

These aren’t always signs of micro-cheating, but they are things to keep an eye on. If they go on over a few weeks, it’s time to sound the alarm.

The Male vs Female Perspective on Micro-Cheating

It’s believed that women experience the downside of micro-cheating more frequently than men do, and that they’re affected emotionally.

This makes it sound like men are more likely to be the ones doing the micro-cheating, but all it really means is that women have a more emotional reaction to it.

Either sex can do the micro-cheating.

How to Deal with Micro-Cheating

So, you decide your guy is micro-cheating. How do you handle it?

First, you both need to get on the same page about how you’re defining micro-cheating. As I said above, you might consider some behaviors to be micro-cheating while he finds them to be innocent.

I have a neighbor whose ex-wife lives about one-hundred yards from him. He says they are best friends, even though both remarried someone else last year. Apparently, the four of them are all best buddies.

Some women would consider his friendship with his ex-wife to be micro-cheating, and vice versa for the ex-wife, but it seems that their spouses are okay with it.

Rather than go bananas on your guy, it’s best to initiate a conversation about what you each consider to be cheating. I’d put good odds on the fact that he sees what he’s doing as harmless.

What he fails to realize is that you are harmed, based on how you’re feeling.

Micro-Cheating vs. Cheating

Is there a difference between micro-cheating and full-on cheating?

Yes. There is.

With micro-cheating, there often is no physical or sexual infidelity. However, if you’re battling micro-cheating, you know that this doesn’t do a whole lot to make you feel better. Micro-cheating is more prevalent than many people think.

Full-on cheating often involves physical or sexual infidelity. Often, when women cheat, it’s for the emotional connection they’re missing in their current relationship.

Men, on the other hand, often cheat for the sexual excitement of the relationship.

Of course, generalizing never gets you the full truth, which is that men can cheat for emotional reasons and women can cheat for the sexual excitement.

When someone is micro-cheating, there is not usually an emotional level of connection. It’s playful and flirtatious, but no emotional bond has been created.

Why do People Engage in Micro-Cheating?

It’s believed that the reasons for cheating and micro-cheating are somewhat similar. People engage in micro-cheating because something is missing in their current relationship.

For some, it’s the novelty of a new relationship – that excitement you get in the honeymoon phase – that drives them.

For others, they’re seeking emotional support or validation that they aren’t getting in their current relationship.

No matter the reason, cheating and micro-cheating have the same fallout, which is an erosion of the trust that may have been there previously.

The biggest problem is that micro-cheating sits on a slippery slope that can easily lead to full-on cheating.

Can You Overcome Micro-Cheating in Your Relationship?

If you are willing to make a deep commitment in your relationship, you can overcome micro-cheating. Of course, this means both of you, not just one of you.

If you both want to remain committed to the relationship, there are some things you need to do.

Set Boundaries

Set boundaries on what you will tolerate from one another as far as interactions with others is concerned.

If your guy has been friends with his ex for several years since they broke up, it might be unreasonable to ask him to stop speaking to her now. If you’re sure their friendship is not sexual, it’s okay.

But it may also mean that you both avoid people who could lead you into an emotional cheating situation, so if the ex poses a threat, she may need to go.

Share Expectations

What are you looking for from this relationship? This is a conversation you should have had already, but you’d be surprised at the number of couples who are afraid to talk about this.

One partner is always afraid that they want more than the other and will chase off the other partner by expressing their desires.

But let me ask you this…why get so heavily involved with someone who doesn’t want what you do?

And no, you aren’t likely to change his mind.

Can he change his mind? Of course he can, and maybe he will, but you both need to know, up front, where you stand.

Monitor Your Behavior

Once you’ve both set your boundaries and shared your expectations, it’s time to monitor what’s happening in the relationship.

You each need to be your own monitor, recognizing when you’re edging closer to micro-cheating so you can stop the behavior before it starts.

You are now the protector of the bond you share with your partner, and so is he.

Wrapping Up: What is Micro-Cheating?

Cheating is cheating, whether it’s a little bit or a full-on sexual relationship. It erodes trust and forces you into a place of emotional distress.

If you and your partner want your relationship to survive, you must address micro-cheating before it gets too far out of hand.

And if your partner still sees what he’s doing as no big deal, it may be time to end your relationship. You’re more committed to it than he is.

Having the discussion about the commitment you want to make to one another and your expectations will help clear up any questions. He might not be a long-term commitment type of guy, while you’re looking for forever.

You must know this so you’re not wasting your time in a relationship that’s ultimately headed for heartbreak.

How to Avoid Someone Who is Manipulative in a Relationship

Build Confidence, Find Happily Ever After

Mike, already once divorced, thought he had found himself the perfect woman in Jolene. She was energetic, kind, and seemed to have a big heart. In addition, she had a young son with autism who lit up something inside of Mike, who had three children of his own.

After dating for quite some time, Mike decided it was time to propose. The only problem was that his children and family could see Jolene for who she was, and Mike couldn’t.

Jolene was being manipulative in a relationship, and the victim was an unsuspecting Mike, who rarely saw the bad in anyone.

As time drew closer to their pending wedding, which was small, and to be in their small home, Jolene became even more of the woman his family saw.

She threatened suicide if the wedding didn’t happen and feyned illness. Additionally, she claimed an undying need for Mike to remain in her life.

The odd thing was that Mike wasn’t balking – he was all in. Never a hesitation about the wedding. But her behavior persisted, right up until wedding day.

Mike and Jolene are still married, although not happily. Unfortunately, Mike has developed serious health issues and really cannot leave. His physical handicaps prevent him from holding many jobs, and he was laid off in a massive, big corporate layoff more than a year ago.

Relationship Red Flags

So, what happened? What does it look like to be manipulative in a relationship? How can you get out of a relationship like this? All those answers and more…

What Does it Mean to be Manipulative in a Relationship?

Sometimes, like in the case of Mike above, we cannot see the forest for the trees, as they say. We cannot see what’s right in front of us, either because we don’t want to see that we could be so very wrong about someone, or because we fear that if we lose this relationship, there will be no other.

Here are some signs of a manipulative relationship.

You See Signs of Control and Exploitation

The intention of someone who is manipulative in a relationship is to control the other person and have the power to get what they want.

A master manipulator learns the weaknesses of their partner and uses those against you to get what they want from you or the relationship.

As long as their tactics work, the manipulation will continue.

How does the manipulated person feel? Someone who is being manipulated in a relationship will have a sense of being emotionally drained, anxious, fearful, doubtful of their own needs, thoughts and feelings.

There is Emotional and Psychological Abuse

These are signs of things that nobody wants to believe they’re susceptible to, and yet, we all can be.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term that goes all the way back to a movie from the 1940’s in which a husband tinkers with the gaslights of their home, telling his wife that nothing is going on when clearly, she can see the lights dimming. He was attempting to get his wife to question her sanity.

The term has been adopted by psychologists to describe this form of emotional abuse during which one person manipulates another by getting them to question their own sanity and perceptions.

Someone who is gaslighting you has an ulterior motive, which only serves them in some way. They will lie, blame you for things, and minimize your feelings to move your perceptions where they want them to be.

When someone is gaslighting you, they make you feel as if whatever you’re thinking or feeling is not valid, or that they aren’t worthy of notice. The ultimate goal of someone who is gaslighting is to avoid accepting responsibility for whatever wrong they’re doing.

The motivations are many. Some do it for money, others for control and power.

Manipulative in a Relationship with Passive-Aggressive Behavior

We’ve all heard of passive-aggressive behavior, but what is it exactly?

When someone is being passive aggressive as a form of manipulation, they may employ one of several tactics:

Indirect expression of their negative feelings – instead of using words to express how they feel, they will use a lack of words with plenty of actions like sulking, giving you the silent treatment, or procrastinating on doing something
Hidden hostility – sarcasm is a great example of passive aggressive manipulation, but not the only one; backhanded compliments and intentional mistakes are also examples; the passive-aggressive person might misrepresent your job by saying, “This is Kate, she changes diapers for a living” instead of telling someone that you’re a registered nurse
Resisting cooperativeness – someone is being passively-aggressive when they agree to do something and then fail to follow through; they can also sabotage the situation in some way, making it impossible to move forward; for example, your boyfriend might have agreed to give you a ride to a job interview, then either not show up, or show up so late that going to the interview is pointless
Guilt-tripping is another great weapon in the passive-aggressive toolbox; this is where someone says something like “Don’t bother…I’ll just do it myself”; it’s meant to guilt you into doing whatever it is they wanted you to do in the first place
Baiting – a passive-aggressive person will use dramatic and overblown gestures like big heavy sighs or pouting to get you to ask what’s wrong and concede to whatever it is they want you to do

Lying and Blaming

No master manipulator is going to accept responsibility for their actions. They don’t want to control themselves, in fact, they cannot. They want to control you.

To keep from accepting responsibility, they will lie about their role in whatever is going on, or they might exaggerate the truth, so they look better in the situation.

For even more bang for their buck, a good manipulator will place the blame on you, making you doubt yourself and your version of what you think just happened.

The lies a manipulator tells aren’t the harmless little white lies like when a woman says, “Honey, do I look okay in this dress?” and her once-bitten twice shy partner says, “Yes, you look lovely” regardless of the truth, so he doesn’t hurt her feelings. Those aren’t the lies I’m referring to. Those lies try to protect someone’s emotional well-being, not destroy it.

Manipulative in a Relationship with Threats and Coercion

Now, we’ve arrived at Jolene’s tactics.

Some manipulators will use threats or even force to get someone to do what they want them to do. An often-employed tactic is to threaten to leave the relationship if your partner won’t do what you want him to do.

Some will threaten harm, as Jolene did, to make sure that they remain in control of the situation and get what they want. Some manipulators will go to great lengths to make sure you comply, even to the point of harming themselves.

Self-harm is not to be taken lightly, however, so if your partner resorts to this tactic, it requires immediate professional attention.

The Silent Treatment

Nothing drives a relationship partner crazy more than being on the butt end of the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is a tactic during which the manipulator will go completely silent on their partner if the partner is doing something undesirable. For example, if we use that job interview example from above, we can assume that instead of waiting for their partner to arrive (late), the manipulated person either drives themselves or calls an Uber to get to the interview.

The manipulator, incensed at the boldness of the person they’re trying to manipulate, may use the silent treatment to enforce the point that they feel they were wronged. Never mind that they were the one doing the wrong in the first place. The manipulator is always the one who was wronged.

Some manipulators will use sex and affection as tools by withholding them to punish you for whatever it is you did wrong in their eyes. The only way to get them to concede is to admit you were wrong, even if you weren’t. The manipulator wins and you’re left accepting responsibility for something you didn’t do.

Other manipulators will withhold information. Perhaps after you Uber’d to the job interview, you got a letter stating they want another interview, or maybe even a phone call saying you’re hired, but you weren’t there to receive it, and your manipulative partner was. They may withhold that information from you to keep you from doing something they don’t want you to do.

Isolation

Probably one of the worst tactics of a manipulator is isolation from your friends and family. This is an especially useful tactic because it allows them to use their mind control tactics without the intervention of people on the outside who can see what’s really happening.

The last thing a manipulator wants is for you to have someone show you what’s happening and rescue you from the situation.

The opposite of this can also happen. In this case, the manipulator will try to win over your friends and family by getting them to argue for their side. They may present their lies and half-truths to your family to get them to encourage you to stay in the relationship, for example.

Ultimately, the goal of the manipulator is to use your family, or the absence of your family, to keep you under their control.

How do You End Up in a Relationship with Someone Who is Manipulative in a Relationship?

A manipulator does not choose his victim at random. He studies you and maybe even dates you a couple of times to see if you’re a good candidate or if he should move on.

What is he looking for?

Low Confidence and Self-Esteem

With low confidence and self-esteem, you’re more likely to doubt yourself, making many of his tactics work very well.

Gaslighting, for instance, works very well on someone with low self-esteem because you already doubt yourself on many things. He can capitalize on that and really get you to believe whatever he wants you to believe.

People-Pleasing Behaviors

People who are people-pleasers have low confidence. They tend to believe that saying no to someone will cost them the relationship, so they say yes to keep it.

People-pleasers also have no boundaries, and boundaries are one layer of armor against a manipulator. If he senses he can get away with anything with you, he’ll pounce.

How does he know? Sex on the first date. Being too willing to do whatever he suggests. Allowing him to do or say things to you that go beyond what is acceptable to someone with boundaries.

Non-Confrontational

Some folks don’t like confrontation, and that’s okay, but when it combines with these other traits, it means you’re likely to let him do whatever he wants, even if you don’t like it, because you don’t want the conflict.

A manipulator can run all over you with his various tactics and he knows that you won’t say a word.

Mourning or Battling Something Difficult

People who are either mourning a loss or battling something difficult often have their defenses down. They’re more vulnerable to manipulators because their mind is somewhere else.

Manipulative in a Relationship: His Tactics

The first thing a manipulator will do is assess you to see if any of these fit. Low confidence and low self-esteem often show up in body language, so he probably knows this one before he approaches.

He’ll avoid confident women altogether, saving himself time and possibly being outed.

He will also gauge your social connections to see how many friends you have, whether you’re a friend on the fringe of the group or deeply involved. Those on the fringe are greater targets.

He will also assess your strengths and weaknesses, but this usually occurs once he’s introduced himself. He’s still assessing in the early dating days, but if he’s dating you, you’ve passed a couple of his tests already.

Initially, a manipulator will be charming beyond belief. He’ll seem like the guy you’ve been longing for with all the proper manners and words. He will flatter you, help you do things, and appear to be a very caring man.

But once he’s gotten himself in the door, so to speak, he will begin his manipulation. It will come so slowly that you won’t see it coming. It’s like the old saying, put a frog in hot water and he’ll jump out, put him in cold water and turn up the heat and he’ll never realize he’s cooked.

One of the first tools he will employ is to isolate you from your support network of friends and family. He can’t have them telling you that he’s manipulating you. That would never do. In isolating you, he’s also making you more dependent on him. What you would once have gone to them for, you must now go to him for.

Once he has you isolated, the real manipulation can begin. It’s at this point that he can gaslight you, devalue you, and so on.

Not every manipulator uses all the things above, and there are other tactics that some will use that aren’t mentioned above.

Signs You May be in a Manipulative Relationship

You’ve read all the ways in which someone can manipulate you, but what are some signs you can look for to determine whether you’re in one?

You always feel on edge and/or anxious but you’re not quite sure why
It’s difficult for you to make decisions
You have low feelings of self-esteem, like not believing you deserve to have good things in your life, or that you aren’t worthy of a good relationship
Your family and friends are no longer part of your life
Your partner telling you that you’re overreacting to something or that you’re being dramatic
You have opinions and feelings, but your partner consistently dismisses them as worthless

What to do if You’re with Someone Who is Manipulative in a Relationship

The most important thing for you to understand is that manipulation is emotional abuse, and it’s no less harmful than physical abuse.

Manipulative in a Relationship: Recognize the Signs

You have them just above, and if some or all of them start to resonate, chances are good that you’re with someone who is manipulative in a relationship.

Again, understand that he is emotionally abusing you, and even if you don’t have the physical scars to show it, you do have emotional scars.

He will tell you that nobody will believe you – that you look perfectly fine. But I guarantee you that those who understand emotional abuse will see the scars. There may be a hollow look to your eyes, or a sense of flatness in your personality that cue others in. Trust me, he’s lying to you – people will see it, easily.

Rather than try to deny that this has happened to you, recognize how he has scarred you, emotionally, and perhaps physically. You should not feel ashamed because he abused you.

He may try to play the victim in the situation, but he is the perpetrator, and everyone will see it that way, even though he will try to tell you otherwise.

Create an Exit Strategy

There are professional organizations out there who help women just like you. It’s crucial that you connect with one of these organizations.

Chances are, if you’re on the Internet reading this, you’ve already found some way around his restrictions. Use the Internet to reach out for help. I encourage you to use private web browsers to do your searching and outreach. Search histories can be reviewed.

If you are someone who is able to get out of the house from time to time, arrange to meet with someone who can help you.

Removing yourself from this type of situation is not often easy. A manipulator does not like to give up his prey. He’d rather not hunt for another victim but keep the one he has. Additionally, many manipulators see their target as their property, and they don’t like to lose their property.

Work with the professionals and do the things they recommend so you can remove yourself from the situation. They have all the resources, including safe places for you to stay and counseling.

Manipulative in a Relationship: Document His Behavior

If you have access to your cell phone, try to secretly record his rants, speeches, and other ways he manipulates you. Get as much as you can on a recording using your video app. You don’t need to see him in the videos, just hearing is enough. This will be helpful to you if you require legal assistance later.

Prepare Yourself for the Aftermath

There will be fallout from leaving a manipulative relationship, but it isn’t anything you can’t handle.

Work with the professionals to find a counselor who can help you with the emotional challenges you will face. They will help you deconstruct what happened and help you believe in yourself again.

Additionally, know that he will try to reach out again and win you back. Early on, it might feel safer to go back, but you can’t. If you do, it will be that much more difficult to leave again.

Instead, change your phone number, get a new address, and tell your friends and family that they are not to give out this information. For a while, if the situation was really bad, it might be best to hide away from everyone. That way, nobody can slip or be coerced into providing valuable information.

Focus on Healing

Now is not the time to look for a new relationship. You have a lot of work to do on yourself first. You have many emotional scars to heal, and working with a professional counselor will help you do that.

Your energy should be on yourself, and if you have children, their well-being. Nobody else matters as you work to become a strong, confident woman with a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

It is possible! I believe in you. Reading this article is an important first step because it shows that you know where you are right now and you want something better for yourself.

Wrapping Up Manipulative in a Relationship

I feel like I’ve painted a grim picture for you, but being targeted by someone who is manipulative in a relationship is not a fairy tale story with a pretty ending.

Not all manipulators are as extreme as some of what you’ve read. Take Mike from the beginning of the article, for example.

He does still have a relationship with his mother; however, his wife does not participate in any family events. This is her way of controlling those situations. Jolene’s big manipulation was getting Mike to marry her. Past that, she’s satisfied with small manipulations, such as not attending events.

Additionally, Jolene uses contrived medical conditions, usually similar to conditions someone else in the family has, to avoid working – anywhere. Mike suffers from serious back issues, and yet he cleans, cooks, does the laundry, and all other chores.

And most of the time, Mike appears to not only go along, but believe that she has these conditions, setting aside his own health in lieu of her perceived health issues.

On the surface, Mike appears to be a happy guy in a good relationship. Those closer to him know differently, but he’s not fighting it so they let it be.

Can you stay in a mildly manipulative relationship like that of Mike and Jolene? Sure. You may even be able to set some boundaries and establish some small sense of control.

I will close by saying that people who are manipulative in a relationship are suffering from poor mental health of their own. These are not strong, confident people, even though they might seem to be. Many are battling either narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Others might be battling antisocial personality disorder, which is likely the cause of Jolene’s manipulative behaviors. Still others are battling disorders like anxiety or depression, also possibilities or Jolene.

Manipulators crave control because they feel their life is out of control. They have the same low self-esteem that they saw in you. Some may be in it for personal gain, usually financial, but sometimes to achieve a goal or gain power. And finally, sometimes manipulators want to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.

As you distance yourself from a manipulator and heal, you’ll wonder how you didn’t see the signs before you got involved. Your counselor will work you through that too.

Whether you stay or leave, I encourage you to seek professional counseling. If the case is mild, as in the case of Mike and Jolene, encourage your partner to seek counseling as well. You could end up in a happy relationship or you may end up apart, but either way, you’ll both be healthier people in the end.

How to Overcome Relationship Trust Issues

Build a Great Relationship, Build Confidence

You want to trust him, really you do, but the relationship trust issues between you feel insurmountable. How can you overcome this and build a bright and wonderful relationship? Let’s find out!

Why Trust is So Important

Before we get into the how, I always like to dig into the why. Why is trust such an important piece of a great relationship?

There are two sides to trust in a relationship. The first is you, your behavior and any issues you may bring to the table. The second is your partner and his behaviors, added to whatever residual issues he might bring along.

Trust Forms a Solid Foundation

As children, we trust our parents to provide for our needs, both physical and emotional. We also trust them to have our backs, guide us through life, and help us safely learn some of those difficult lessons life teaches.

But sometimes kids have parents who fail in their task. They don’t provide – maybe even aren’t present in the child’s life at all. The trust a child should inherently have in someone who supposedly loves them is eroded and the child quickly learns that people can’t be trusted.

That relationship never feels like it’s on solid ground. You never know what’s coming at you next or who, if anyone, will have your back. A bully chases after you at school, but you know nobody at home cares, so you fight back instead. In fact, you may find that you’re always fighting back, even when it seems unnecessary.

Relationship trust issues erode any sense of safety you wish to feel. Instead of feeling like your partner is someone you can share everything with, you feel you can’t share anything with him. Will he make fun of you? Is he likely to go off and tell someone who may want to retaliate?

But relationship trust issues also cause you to be in a continuous state of worry. Is he cheating on me? Did he put money into our bank account, or did he drink it all away? What kind of mood will he be in when he gets home? Should I find somewhere else to be or brave it? Some trust issues are warranted.

With trust, you can share your vulnerabilities and fragilities. You build intimacy in those moments. You feel safe and comforted knowing your partner will stand up for you no matter what!

Your Communication is Better

Poor communication is a relationship killer, and a big part of poor communication is relationship trust issues.

Why would you communicate honestly with someone you don’t trust? It’s like telling the biggest gossip in town your most valuable secrets, then being surprised when everyone knows in three days.

In relationships with good communication, trust is also present. You feel comfortable speaking freely because you know your partner is listening. It’s easier to be open and honest with him since you know he won’t immediately be judgmental.

Imagine being able to share your deepest fears with your partner, and instead of judgment, you know that he will wrap his warm arms around you, figuratively or literally, and comfort you. You know that he will help you overcome those fears, not make fun of you for them.

You Can Forgive and Forget

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts I think there is for humans. People think that if they forgive someone, they make whatever happened okay.

That isn’t what forgiveness is about.

When you hold onto anger, the cliché is that you’re allowing them to live rent free in your head. The anger follows you around like a lost puppy, always nagging, always present.

When you forgive someone, including yourself, you aren’t saying that what happened is okay. You’re saying that you aren’t going to allow what happened to overtake your life. You’re willing to let it go and move forward.

The benefits of forgiveness can’t be ignored:

Reduced stress and anxiety
Feeling less depressed
Higher self-esteem
An increased sense of optimism
Improved communication
The ability to form stronger bonds
Resilience
The ability to feel empathy and compassion
Being able to move forward
Increased heart health
Lower blood pressure
Healthier immune system

WOW! That’s a lot of great benefits to forgiveness. Conversely, when you can’t forgive, or refuse to forgive, you may experience:

Being stuck in the past
Higher stress and anxiety
Unhealthy relationships
Trust issues
Weakened immune system
Higher blood pressure and poor heart health

Personally, I’d prefer the benefits of forgiveness. The great thing is that you don’t need to tell the person who hurt you that you forgive them. Write them a letter of forgiveness, then burn it or shred it.

Forgiveness is for you, not someone else. It’s giving yourself permission to let go of the hurt and boot that person out of your headspace.

Improved Health

You just read how forgiveness improves your health. When you carry around stress and anxiety for any reason, your body is in a constant state of fight or flight and the hormones associated with that are continuously flowing through your body.

They do physical damage to your heart and immune system with prolonged exposure.

By solving relationship trust issues, you reduce the stress in your relationship and allow that fight or flight mode to subside. You feel calmer in general, in addition to feeling supported and secure.

Studies show that people who are in trusting relationships enjoy better physical and emotional health.

Your Relationship Withstands Difficult Tests

Every relationship is tested from time to time, whether it’s the challenge of new stages of life, life-changing accidents, or even illnesses. How well you overcome those challenges speaks to whether there are relationship trust issues between you.

I know a young family with four children who all just found out that the father of the family has incurable cancer and less than six months to live.

Without trust between Joseph and Amy, it would be difficult for him to feel safe and secure in his present state. He must put all of his trust in his wife, not just for his own care, but for the care of their four young children.

This is, by far, the most difficult test any relationship faces, and unfortunately, the end result of the test is death for Joseph. But Joseph can rest in peace knowing that his children will be well cared for by their mother. He can navigate each day of his disease knowing that she is providing the best care for him that she’s capable of.

Many other relationship tests aren’t so dramatic, and yet, they may still test the foundation of your relationship. Good people make mistakes, and those mistakes can really test you, and may even cause those relationship trust issues.

That’s why it’s so important to keep open lines of communication and be wiling to forgive. It helps keep those trust issues from eroding completely.

How do You Know if You Have Trust Issues?

Trust is most simply defined as believing that the other person in the relationship is honest and reliable. You know you can depend on him no matter what because he makes you feel safe and secure.

But if there are trust issues, you might experience or feel some of these things.

You Always Assume the Worst

Relationship trust issues force you to always be on the defensive. He got home an hour late. Was he with another woman? Was he out drinking when he said he would stop?

Your partner may not have ever done those things before, but your trust issues have you questioning everything and assuming the worst.

It also shows up in waiting to see what someone wants from you if you ask something of them. You ask a friend to pick up your child at school because you have an appointment, then you just wait for her to ask something of you.

Your Suspicious of His Intentions

Hey Babe, let’s get out of here this weekend. Let’s go to the beach and just chill. Your mind immediately goes to why? Why is he trying to run away? What’s going to happen at home this weekend that makes him want to leave?

Or maybe he brings you a dozen red roses after work one day, just for the heck of it. Instead of feeling grateful, your mind wanders to what did he do wrong? Why is he trying to butter me up now?

It might be that he just wants to spend quality time with you at the beach, or maybe he just felt like showing you with roses that he cares for you. By reading more into it than was there, you’re setting yourself up for a fight that doesn’t need to happen.

You Sabotage the Relationship

This happens so often, and it makes me so sad. You’ve been burned so many times by people from your past that you can’t now see how this guy will be any different.

In fact, you probably have a marker in a relationship, usually some set timeframe – three months, six months – when you just know he’s gonna end it any time now.

Instead of waiting for him to end it, you start picking fights and forcing the issue.

Unfortunately, the truth may be that was really into you until you started sabotaging the relationship. Now, though, he does just what you always expected him to do – he leaves. But he isn’t leaving for the reasons you imagine. He’s leaving the Crazytown your relationship became.

You Distance Yourself from Him

Getting too close to someone might make you feel really edgy. You’ve felt this way in the past and gotten burned every time, or what feels like every time anyway.

Rather than allow your vulnerabilities to show through, you hide everything you’re feeling. You keep a brick wall up between you so you feel safer.

Unfortunately, that brick wall, while invisible, is still very strong and instead of lowering the wall, it’s getting taller and taller with each piece of you that you withhold.

The distance you’re keeping helps you feel less edgy and fearful. The hurt you’ve experienced in the past is less likely to creep in if you keep to yourself and don’t let anyone in – at least not really in.

You Focus on What Will go Wrong

Instead of looking for things to go well, you always see the negative side of something. Negativity becomes your main state of being.

You want to buy a house together? What if one of you loses your job? What if a tornado or hurricane blows it off of the map?

You want to go on vacation together? What if you miss your flight? Worse yet, what if the plane crashes?

The scenarios you build with your anxiety are usually far-fetched but feel very possible and real.

It’s very difficult to be around someone who’s always a doomsdayer. It’s tedious. Nobody wants their relationship to be described as tedious!

What Causes Relationship Trust Issues?

Sometimes, relationship trust issues stem from something deep in your past. Other times, they arise out of your partner’s behavior or his own trust issues. Let’s examine where relationship trust issues might come from.

A Betrayal

This one is tricky because it might be that this partner betrayed you, or it could be that someone from your past has betrayed you.

If it’s this partner, you might be able to work with a couples’ therapist to rebuild your trust issues. It’s not likely something you can do on your own as the hurt may still be too fresh.

If it’s past relationship betrayals, it’s time to stop lumping all men into one cheater category. Let this new guy be himself. Instead of automatically assuming he isn’t trustworthy, allow him to earn your trust by showing up when he says he will and doing other things that can build your trust in him.

In either instance, you must move past the feeling of mistrust that you own. I know how the cliché goes – fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But let him prove to you that he’s either not a guy from your past or not the same guy who betrayed you previously.

Your Parents

If you experienced a poor relationship between your parents, it may cause you to have your own relationship trust issues now. If your father cheated or your mother was always spending money your family didn’t have, it likely caused arguments centered around trust.

Growing up with that as your relationship model will cause you to have relationship trust issues by default.

Experiencing Rejection as a Child

Kids are mean and some kids are always rejected by their peers.

I know a young lady, now twelve years old, who has severe anxiety. Among other disorders, she has misophonia, which means that repetitive or loud noises make her feel very anxious. She also has social anxiety.

Unfortunately for this young lady, she has a twin sister who is her polar opposite. The twin is socially active, athletic, and not afraid of anything. It’s very difficult to experience your own anxiety while watching those around you act as if they don’t feel it too.

The truth is that both girls have anxiety and fear but show it in different ways. The social twin fears social isolation so she’s gregarious, almost to a point of being fake about it. The twin with anxiety experiences social isolation due to her high level of fear and anxiety.

As adults, these two girls will both likely experience relationship trust issues. The social twin because she doesn’t feel like she can be herself to be accepted and the anxious twin because she already feels isolated and rejected by her peers, even though she rarely gives them a chance to know her.

Negative Life Experiences

Some kids experience some awful things in their young lives and it leaves an imprint. For Joseph and Amy’s kids, especially the two who are five and seven, they’ll battle with feeling abandoned by their father, even though he can’t help what’s happening to him.

This may cause them to have relationship trust issues as adult women. The man they trusted the most in their young lives left them at a young age. If Dad can leave, why wouldn’t any other man?

It isn’t always a logical thought process from A to B, but it’s the process many take nonetheless.

Many negative life experiences force us into a place where we don’t trust anyone. It’s a natural consequence of things you often cannot control.

Overcoming Relationship Trust Issues

Finally, right? That’s what you came here to find in the first place.

How can you overcome relationship trust issues?

The most logical answer is that it depends on what caused them, but still, there are strategies that might help, regardless of where they came from.

Allow Trust to Build Slowly

Trust isn’t something you just decide to do one day. You must allow it to grow over time. Observe the behaviors of those you seem to not trust. Are they showing you that they are trustworthy or untrustworthy?

Sometimes, we fail to see trustworthy behavior because we’re almost blind to it due to past experiences.

Look for indications that this person can be trusted. Does he show up on time for dates? When he says he’s going to do something, does he do it? If the answer is yes, he’s trying to build your trust. Let him.

Forgive

Boy, talk about a recurring theme, right? Forgiveness helps take a few bricks out of that wall you’ve built.

Everyone makes mistakes, including you. Forgiving a mistake is okay. In fact, it’s necessary to positive mental health.

Reread the section above on forgiveness if you’re still doubtful about this one.

Talk About It

If your trust issues are rooted deeply in your past, tell your partner about them. You don’t have to dig up every single root, just share the main branches.

This will help him understand that you’re a work in progress and are asking for his patience.

This type of honesty goes back to that communication thing above. Someone in your life can’t understand your reactions to things if they don’t know where they’re coming from.

Ask Yourself – Is This About Trust or Control?

It’s normal if you have trust issues to want to be in control. When you don’t feel you have complete control over a situation, you become mistrustful of what’s happening.

This may show up in a variety of ways. For example, if you’ve been betrayed financially before, you may demand more control over the finances. It really isn’t control you seek, but trust that what you think is going on with your money really is.

In this instance, it’s okay to give over a little control. Allow him to pay the bills and trust that he does so in a timely manner. Resist the urge to check and double-check. When you feel the anxiety, remind yourself that you have no reason to mistrust him.

It’s okay to give up some control when it seems like a good idea.

Learn to Manage Your Anxiety

Trust is often really anxiety.

Anxiety is anticipating a negative event in the future. If he cheats on me, he’ll leave me. If she doesn’t pay the bills, we’ll lose everything. If I don’t know where he is every second of the day, he’ll cheat on me.

In these instances, trust becomes a decision you make, rather than a feeling you have.

Trust that your partner will pay the bills.

If he says he isn’t cheating on you, trust his word unless you have substantial and real proof (not a feeling).

The truth is that we cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves. If you really find that someone has broken your trust, there are two possible avenues for you to take.

The first is to leave the relationship or friendship. Just walk away.

The second is to seek help, both for yourself and your trust issues, and the relationship. It’s always possible that your lack of trust was actually the root of the problem.

If she always thinks I’m cheating, I may as well go ahead and cheat. At least then, I’ll be doing what she’s accusing me of.

Root Out the True Problem

Of course, the best way to resolve relationship trust issues is to find the root of the problem. Is it in your past? Is it in his? Do you have valid reasons for mistrusting him? If so, why are you staying with him?

If he’s cheated on you, why? What was already broken in your relationship, because something was. Either you snagged a player or there was a relationship issue lying deeper under the surface.

If the roots of your relationship trust issues are in your past, it’s best to seek out some professional help to work through those things. If they’re still nagging you now, chances are they need more than a few blog articles for resolution.

What’s the Common Denominator?

Are all of your relationships plagued with trust issues or is this the first one? If it’s the first one, it’s likely not something you’ve brought to the scene, but if all of your relationships seem to have these trust issues, it may be time to change things up.

Relationship trust issues that aren’t rooted in that relationship are often due to low self-esteem, low confidence, and/or low self-worth. You don’t believe you can have a loving relationship or that you don’t deserve one.

It may be that these go back to those childhood issues. You had an absent parent who made you feel abandoned – not worthy of their love. It may be that you’ve had enough crappy relationships that you don’t believe in your own ability to find great guys.

Either way, it’s time to work on those issues and again, if this is a long-fought problem, a professional may be your best bet.

Note the anxiety you feel in specific situations. When you think your friends are getting together without you, resist the urge to text all of them multiple times throughout the evening. If you think your boyfriend might be cheating on you, resist the desire to drive around all of the local hotels, and his apartment, to see if his car is there and/or a car you don’t recognize.

These behaviors feed your mistrust instead of helping you trust more deeply.

Be a Trustworthy Person

If you want to improve relationship trust issues, be a trustworthy person. Trust is a two-way street. You build your trust along with your partner, slowly and over time.

Be open about your feelings, opinions, boundaries, and past issues. This doesn’t mean you spill every single thing but share bits and pieces that help him make sense out of your situation and help you grow.

Additionally, being trustworthy means allowing him to make a mistake without blowing it completely out of proportion. He trusts you to react appropriately.

Wrapping Up Relationship Trust Issues

Trust might make you feel uncomfortable at first, but if you allow people to build your trust in them, you’ll find yourself enjoying happier and more meaningful relationships. This is true of friendships, not just romantic relationships.

Relationship trust issues show up in all of your relationships, not just specific ones.

The more times you’re willing to forgive someone and give them another chance, the happier and more trustful you’ll be.

It’s not a fast road to travel down, but one you should traverse slowly and steadily. As those urges to check and double-check wain, you’ll find that you’re more relaxed and much less anxious. You’ll feel healthier and your body will definitely benefit!

The first confidence building book for women and a best-seller, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes will prepare you to meet great men and enjoy a happy and fulfilling life. And not just any life, but a life you design for yourself. YOUR life your way!

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Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

Build Confidence, Find Happily Ever After

Walking away from someone who doesn’t value you takes tremendous strength and resolve, and yet, you might be feeling neither of those.

I’m Kirbie and I’ve been working with Gregg for more than ten years. I’ve been through this, and I just know I’m not alone, so today, I want to help you make your decision.

How do You Know if He Doesn’t Value You?

The first, and most obvious question to ask is how do you know he doesn’t value you? You’re probably second-guessing yourself on your decision.

You see glimmers of hope in small, yet infrequent gestures he makes. Your mind says see, he does love me! And you carry on as if all of the million and one signs that show he doesn’t value you fade into the distance.

Allow me to share my story.

The Story of J

Distant Past

I’m gonna call this guy J. I’ve known J now for nearly twenty-five years. When we first met, there was chemistry, which I was good at mistaking for love. I was also just out of a long-term relationship and needing validation, so I fell for all of it.

I would say we stayed together that first time for several months. It’s been too long now to recall how long but he said and did all of the right things, most of the time.

More Recent Past

But let’s fast-forward to say the last ten years. I must preface this by saying I haven’t spoken to or seen J in about eighteen months, but in the eight plus years prior, I was still falling for his crap.

The problem with J is that when I’m with him and he’s into the relationship, he’s everything you could want. Attentive. Loving. Giving. Then, out of the blue he pulls the rug out.

The pattern goes something like this:

J’s attention for anywhere from a few weeks to a few months
K falls for it, hook, line, and sinker
J falls off the map – no text, no phone call, doesn’t show up for dates or isn’t home when I go at a pre-appointed time
K gets fed up and swears this is it
J shows up again, pouring on the charm
Rinse and repeat

What finally broke the cycle for me was that I realized he was never going to change. Yes, it took me a long time but understand that we may go two to three years in between points of contact.

What really helped me the most was working with Gregg over these last few years and coming to build my own confidence. The last time J and I were ‘together’, I was mostly in it for companionship – someone to go to a movie with, that sort of thing.

The Truth

But the truth is that he didn’t value me, and I chose to ignore it for many years. I probably did it in part because my confidence was low and you know, any attention is good attention.

But as my own confidence has grown, so has my lack of tolerance for the crap. Over the last six or so years, I’ve strictly sought that companionship. He was always the one who wanted more.

So the real truth is that he lacks confidence in his ability to be in a good relationship and I’ve seen that for several years, so each time I went into a new encounter with him, it was eyes wide open.

Just because I understand relationships better doesn’t mean I’m not human. I’m capable of falling into the same traps as everyone else. When you care for someone, you want them to be the person you need them to be.

Waking up to the reality that they’re never going to be that person can be a rough wake-up call indeed!

So, How Do I Know He Didn’t Value Me?

He Didn’t Often Ask How I Was

Most of our conversations were about him and what he wanted in a relationship. If I would say, “what about what I want?” the conversation would flip to me for a tiny while, then go right back to him and what he wants.

Over the last five plus years, I’ve been taking care of my parents. My father just passed away three months ago, and he had dementia. The struggle is real, and life was sometimes very stressful and/or very challenging.

Not once did he ask about my parents or me.

There Was No Curiosity About My Life

I have eight grandchildren who are very important to me. VERY important. He was never interested in talking about them and never asked about them. In fact, I couldn’t get him to engage with anyone in my family.

He did when we first dated because we have kids who are all in the same age range, but now that they’re all grown, nothing.

He never asked what I did as a career either, which feels odd, but he was retired over the last few years due to a traumatic brain injury, so work wasn’t important to him.

Our Agendas Were Different

We may not have spoken for maybe three or more months, and I would get a text that went something like this:

Let’s get married in Jamaica in June (text received in April)

The old me would have glowed at the possibility. The more recent me just thought uh huh.

As I said, my agenda was companionship. Someone to go to a movie with or enjoy a nice dinner out. His was marriage.

There Was No Mutuality

Mutuality means that what you receive, you give, so in a relationship it means that if I am giving caring and interest in his life, he should be giving me the same.

He wasn’t, as I already said.

Our relationship was a one-way street.

He Didn’t Seek Me or My Opinion Out

I consider myself to be an intelligent woman and yet he never asked my opinion on anything.

In fact, as a sign of his low confidence, he is unable to make many decisions without years of deliberation. Way back when I was dating him twenty or so years ago, he wanted to buy an airplane. It took him five years to decide on one.

Last we spoke, he was wanting a new electric vehicle. He researches and researches. He does test drives. For years! Still no EV – or at least not last time I saw him.

He Failed to See How His Actions Impacted Me

Of course, I learned a long time ago that he was unreliable, but back when I still believed he would follow through (we’re talking fifteen or more years ago), I’d get ready for a date with him only to be still sitting home alone hours later.

He’s always had some amazingly dramatic story about why something else was more important than even a text or phone call to let me know he was coming.

I’d say in the last five years, I never believed he would follow through. He never acknowledged that he got even the slightest idea of how his actions impacted me.

He Treated Others Differently

I think this was the most confusing part for me. He would treat me like crap and bend over backwards for other people. When I’d call him out on it, he was always full of justification for his actions.

It was his kindness towards others and the way he went out of his way to help other people that drew me too him. I could never understand why he never tossed any of that my way.

It’s important to look for this with someone who doesn’t value you. Do they value anyone or is it just you they’re treating badly?

If he’s doing it to everyone, he’s an all-around schmuck, but if it just seems to be you, then he truly doesn’t value you and it’s time to move on.

So Why Did I Stay “In” So Long?

I stayed in it for so long for the same reasons you’ve stayed. You keep hoping he’ll change, and just when you’re about to give up on him entirely, he tosses you a breadcrumb that pokes at the little voice in your head – see, he does care.

Additionally, in the beginning, my confidence was very low. I was a couple of years beyond a divorce, and I’d made the mistake most women make of getting into another relationship too soon. Another schmuck.

I had no clue about confidence or anything else. I just knew I wanted someone in my life to care about me, so I kept dating. I was a single mom to four kids and it was stressful. Having someone to spend time with when they were with their dad helped me decompress, or so I thought.

Let’s look at a few reasons why women stay in this type of relationship.

We Justify the Bad Behavior

You want to believe you’ve made a good choice, that the guy you’re with isn’t just another in a long line of losers you’ve dated.

So, you justify the bad behavior to save face. Of course, your friends and family are shaking their heads and eventually, you stop telling them too much about your relationship because you don’t want to hear more I told you so’s.

The truth is that if J valued me, he wouldn’t have done those bad behaviors. He wouldn’t have skipped dates without a word or done any of the other things he did. I was just too scared of being alone and too low confidence to see it.

We Lose Who We Are

The longer you’re with someone like this, the lower your own self-worth dips. If he doesn’t value you, you can easily begin to lose your own sense of value.

I would set aside my hobbies in lieu of the possibility of a date. Instead of doing something I enjoyed, I was sitting there seething over him not showing up. Again.

We Overcompensate

When you do get those snippets of attention you’re always hoping for, you act like nothing is wrong. He hasn’t treated you like crap for the last two weeks, or longer.

Another overcompensation tactic is to allow him to say things that are unkind without standing up for yourself. You’re so relieved to have the morsels of his time that you ignore it.

It’s like a child who has discovered that the only way to get his parents’ attention is to act out, except it’s twisted around. He’s acting out and you’re glad for the attention.

We Keep Coming Back for More

Early on in this whole relationship with J, cell phones weren’t nearly what they are today so doing things like blocking people wasn’t an option.

Now, I have him blocked and deleted from my phone. This keeps me from having a weak moment and texting him first.

One time a few years ago, I thought I’d blocked him everywhere and he sent me a message via Facebook. I hung out with him a few times again before getting fed up and blocking him.

In the early days, every single time he’d send me a message, I was all in again. Looking back, it’s pathetic but there it is anyway.

We Let Them

The bottom line is that a guy gets away with this because we let them. Instead of standing up for ourselves, we just keep taking whatever these guys are willing to throw our way.

I know it seems easier than it really is because, as you have read, I lived it and it was very hard for me too.

How Does Being in An Invalidating Relationship Impact You?

There are quite a few negative consequences to being in a relationship where you aren’t valued. But with help, you can overcome them.

Feelings of Inadequacy

When you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you, it makes you feel as if you’re the one who is damaged. You aren’t enough.

Your self-worth declines because of the imbalance that’s happening in your relationship. The end result is that you might feel as if you don’t deserve to be loved. This guy is wonderful, and he doesn’t love you. How would another guy?

Low Self-Esteem

The feelings of inadequacy are about your self-worth, but your self-esteem is also damaged in these types of relationships.

He doesn’t value you and that leads you to feel as if you aren’t worth being valued. You may doubt that your capable of doing anything right in your life. Your desire to challenge yourself and grow as an individual is negatively impacted because you don’t believe you can.

You Get Frustrated and Feel Resentful

This was huge for me. I would get so frustrated, and not just at him, but at me too for falling for his lies again and again.

That’s why it was easy for me to avoid him for a short period of time but harder as time passed. That frustration wains and the resentment fades and there’s that smile and morsel of attention.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

Now it’s time to get to the heart of the discussion – walking away from someone who doesn’t value you. How do you do it?

Realize You Deserve Better

You deserve a man who will treat you with respect and value you as a human being with thoughts and feelings of your own.

Of course, as you’ve read, being with a man who doesn’t has probably dipped your belief in this statement so read it a few times until it starts to sink in.

The longer you stay with this person, the more devalued and undeserving you’re going to feel. If you think you’ll hurt him by leaving, think again. Remember, if he cared at all, he wouldn’t be treating you this way.

Stop Blaming Yourself

Blaming yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere except deeper into a pit of the crap you’re already feeling.

Did you pick the wrong guy? Yes indeed.

But instead of sitting there blaming yourself, learn from this experience!!

Chances are if you’ve stayed in this type of relationship, your confidence was low to begin with so take some time off and work on it.

A guy like this won’t approach a woman with confidence, so that’s your armor! Your shield against losers is confidence.

Discard the Belief that You Can Change Someone

The only person you can control is you. None of us can change someone else. That other person must want to change and right now, whatever he has going on is working for him.

That doesn’t mean you need to be the one who’s making it work, though!

His behavior is for him to recognize and change. This isn’t your project, and if you’ve made it your project until now, try embroidery or acrylic painting instead. Anything but this!

Just Walk Away – No Scene!

You don’t need to make a scene or prepare an ugly breakup scenario. Just end it. Josh, this relationship isn’t working for me, so I think it’s best that we just part ways.

Now, he’s losing something that he thinks he wants so he may try to argue that he’ll do better.

It’s likely that he isn’t going to do better. If he wanted to treat you better, he’d already be doing so.

What you don’t need to do is make a big scene out of it or cause an argument to get it done.

Recognize His Possible Reactions

It’s possible that somewhere deep inside, he does care about you and just isn’t very good at showing it. If that’s the case, he may do some of the following things.

“Chase” You

Men love the chase. There’s a possibility that he just became bored with the relationship but now that you’ve introduced a ton of challenge, he’s in it again, wanting to chase you.

It’s also possible that once he sees how his actions have resulted in you walking away, he’ll step up his game.

Regardless, don’t be surprised if he tries to chase you once you’ve ended the relationship.

What you do from here is up to you. Two things are possible. One is that he just enjoys the chase and as soon as he thinks he’s caught you again, he’ll slide back into old habits.

The second is that he recognizes that he needs to put more effort into a relationship with you and he steps up his game.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to know ahead of time, however, you’ll soon know if you allow him to date you again. He’ll either stop doing all of the negative behaviors above or he’ll start doing the things he should be doing.

He Might Realize He Misses You

Guys become complacent in relationships and take them for granted. There are things you can do to snap them out of this behavior, but right now, you have to wait and see how willing he is to even try.

So he might realize after you dump him that he misses you. Now, as far as I’m concerned, this is a golden opportunity for him to evaluate his own behavior in your relationship, and maybe he will, but it’s hard to say.

What he may realize is that he wants you back, but the two possibilities are the same as if he wants to chase you, so be prepared to take note of his behaviors.

The problem I had with J was that I was just clueless to the whole thing for the first many years. I was always so tickled that he’d reach out that I didn’t think too much about it until I realized he hadn’t changed.

Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Look for improvement and if you don’t see it, keep on walkin’.

He Might Be Brave Enough to Show His True Feelings

I dated a man once, before J, we’ll call him M. M and I dated for a while and he was actually a great guy, but he had a few annoying traits that I can’t even remember now. I ended the relationship when I just couldn’t do it anymore.

We’d been over for about two months when he called and asked if he could come over. I agreed and he showed up on my doorstep crying. Yes, crying.

He sobbed and begged me to take him back. Said he recognized that he’d made mistakes, and he wanted to have another try – no, he begged me for another try. So, I gave him one, but whatever it was that he’d been doing was still going on because the second try only lasted a few weeks.

He May Finally Understand the Consequences of His Actions

Actions have consequences. When you walked away, you established a boundary for how you would allow yourself to be treated. You drew a line in the sand and said I won’t take this crap anymore.

You might have tried to talk to him about his behavior before. I did with J. Like J, he may have promised to do better but never did.

But now that you’ve walked away, he sees the consequences of his actions. Before, you just indicated there would be consequences but never followed through. Following through on consequences is always the best plan.

He may straighten up because he now sees that if he wants to keep you, he must.

He Might Actually Prioritize the Relationship

Snapping him to attention by leaving might cause him to realize that this relationship is important to him. With any luck, he’ll quickly recognize that he needs to do better and will make your relationship a priority now.

Hear him out and, if you want, give him another chance.

He May Not Come Back at All

It’s also possible that he’ll just head off into the sunset and seek out another victim. That’s okay. You were being treated disrespectfully and now, that guy is gone.

In this instance, it’s time for you to take a few actions of your own.

What to Do After You End the Relationship

This is the most powerful time in your life. You’re free of a bad relationship and you have time to burn on you.

Take this time to do a few things for yourself so that when you’re ready for a new relationship, and that is not now, or tomorrow, you’re able to attract a man who will treat you much better!

Evaluate Past Relationships

Take a look at your past relationships. Is this a pattern of behavior for the men you date? If so, there are two things wrong. The first is that your confidence is low, and we’ll address that soon.

The second is that you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. There’s every possibility that once you build your confidence, this problem will take care of itself, but there are things you can do to make sure you look for the perfect man for you.

Make a list of the men from your past, preferably guys you’ve dated for at least a few weeks. Put each man’s name on a paper and draw two columns – positive traits & negative traits. Then fill in each for all of these men.

You’re looking for patterns. What negative traits keep showing up? You want to avoid those in the future. What positive traits are recurring? Those are things you should keep looking for.

Also, look at what happened in each of those relationships. Why did they end? Who ended it? You need to be brutally honest about both your role and his so you can get an honest look at what keeps happening.

Chances are that building your confidence will take care of many of the problems you see in yourself, like jealousy, clinginess, and so on.

Build Your Confidence

There it is. I’ve been alluding to it for the past 3600 words. Low confidence women attract low confidence men. Low confidence men behave the way we’ve been describing.

Aside from that, as you read previously, being in this type of relationship reduces your confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem.

Instead of immediately seeking a new relationship, which will make you feel better, but won’t be a better relationship, take some time off from dating to pull yourself together.

How long is difficult to say. I’d recommend at least a couple of months, if not more.

You must not only rebuild your confidence but define who you are as this new, confident woman. You may decide it’s time for other changes like your career, where you live, and so on.

It’s much easier to make all of these changes while you’re single and unencumbered. Take this time to get to know you again. As we age and our life changes, we change too. Values change. Priorities change. Goals change. Look at all of those areas of your life and determine what your values, priorities, and goals are today.

Rather than spend more time here telling you how to build your confidence, there’s an entire section of this website to do that. You can build your confidence by starting here.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You – Wrap Up

In the end, the decision is up to you, but what I hope you choose is to value yourself enough to walk away from someone who does not value you! You deserve better! We all do! I have had zero regrets since walking away from J eighteen months ago.

I still care for him, mostly because his health was so poor, but I don’t talk to him. I don’t seek him out. I don’t drive by his house to see if he’s home. I don’t inquire with his friends. Nothing.

When he comes to mind, I give it a moment, then I move on.

The road ahead is full of reflection and many questions, depending on how he responds to you ending the relationship.

Be smart and wise. Keep emotions out of it if he tries to come back. It’s okay to give things another try, but you know now what he was doing before and as soon as he slides back into those behaviors, exit.

It’s okay to have a sit-down with him and lay your cards on the table. Tell him what’s wrong. He may truly be clueless. This could be the way his parents interacted, and he doesn’t know any other way to be.

Explain how you deserve to be treated and tell him you’ll expect nothing less. It’s okay to give him time to try to be better but keep those lines of communication open and be clear.

When he does well, let him know. Everyone appreciates knowing they’ve done something right. When he starts slipping, kindly and gently explain this to him too.

You’ll know within a few weeks if he’s truly trying to do better or if he just wants to keep treating you badly. Trust your gut!

Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone

Build Confidence, Find Happily Ever After

We read it everywhere in memes and just straight text, Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone. But what does it really mean? Does anyone really implement this in their lives?

Staying with what you know feels safe and comfortable, but it doesn’t allow you to truly experience life at its fullest.

Moving past your comfort zone is scary as heck, but it can also be exhilarating and uplifting. Some folks never even have the desire to break out of their comfort zones. For one reason or another, they’re happy living the same day over and over.

This life isn’t exciting. It’s stagnant, leaving you no room for personal growth or advancement, and that’s fine if that’s what you’re looking for, but if you want to write a great story about your life, then it’s time to embrace stepping outside of your comfort zone!

Lucky for you, I’m here to step out with you! I’m ready if you are!

Why Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone

It’s human nature to be resistant to change, and yet, change comes along anyway. We can’t avoid it.

As you grow up, your life naturally changes. Your body changes. Your mind changes, and you hormones change. Once adulthood hits, your whole life changes. You might go to college or technical school, or you may just enter the job market and start your career.

But even that doesn’t usually stay the same. You work hard and get a promotion. Maybe at some point, you decide to change careers but if you’re too afraid to go for it, so you stay stuck right where you are.

You meet men and date a few. Those relationships ended in breakups, except maybe the one you’re in right now. Even that may or may not be the ideal relationship, but getting out of a bad relationship seems like more work than staying in, so many just stay.

There are opportunities for change every day and everywhere and we overlook many of them, usually out of fear.

Life Begins Where Boredom Ends

This is another way of saying life begins outside your comfort zone, but it’s a little clearer on what you’re escaping.

Have you ever awakened in the morning and felt low motivation to do anything? Putting your feet on the floor seems to be pointless.

This is caused by one of two things – either you’re bored with living the same day every day or you’re overwhelmed. Either way, stepping outside of your comfort zone can help.

Exiting your comfort zone brings a little discomfort with it because you’re trying something new, which is always scary.

But it’s that fear that you must bust through. It’s the fear that keeps you from exploring and living. It’s fear that keeps us stuck living the same day every day.

When you create a balance between living inside and outside your comfort zone, you’re not only busting through the fear, but you’re also adding excitement and diversity.

Time to Kick Some Routines to the Curb

There’s nothing wrong with having a routine, except that you aren’t stimulated. You wake up, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and wander out to your car to drive to work. How many times have you wondered if you locked the door, turned off the coffee pot, or closed the garage door?

This is the routine talking. Those things are so automatic that you don’t even remember doing them. Your mind wasn’t challenged in the slightest. You probably even take the same path to work every morning and come home the same way at night.

Now, think about the last time you drove in a new city. Were you on autopilot? Heck no! You were paying very close attention to where you were and what you needed to do next. Your mind was stimulated and on high alert!

While it might have been a little nerve wracking at the time, you have to admit it was a little exciting too.

Stepping outside of your comfort zone also means breaking some routines. Instead of taking the highway to work, go down some side streets. Instead of the same place for coffee or lunch, try someplace new.

What’s Comfortable?

Comfortable things that you do all of the time. They’re familiar and somewhat regular in your life.

Family dinners, traditions like apple picking or going out for special occasions are all comfortable. There’s nothing wrong with these activities, especially if you enjoy them.

These activities are safe. You know what to expect, at least to some degree, and you know what the expected outcome is likely to be.

What’s Outside Comfortable?

Outside of comfortable doesn’t have to be dangerous. As you read in the section about routines, it can be as simple as breaking your routine.

But it can also be more. Outside of comfortable can be facing a fear, like a fear of heights or of spiders. Do something that you’ve always had churning in the back of your mind but were too afraid to do, like skydiving or bungee jumping. Go kayaking or white-water rafting.

Why Should You Step Out of Your Comfort Zone?

Your current world might feel just fine, but what if your world could improve? What if it could be exciting again? What if facing your fears opens up new opportunities?

New Opportunities

Let’s imagine you’re afraid of heights but you decide to face this fear. You begin facing this fear by climbing higher in the bleachers to watch your nephews baseball game. After that feels comfortable, you decide to walk along the edge of the railing on the second story at the local mall.

Once that feels comfortable, you decide to really go for it, and you choose another elevated activity like ziplining or walking across a tall bridge. Each of these things is so darn scary but exhilarating at the same time. You feel proud of yourself for reaching what are literally new heights.

The higher you go, the more confident you feel and the more exciting your life becomes. Who knows, you might even get into something like sky diving and really enjoy it.

You recognize what you’re capable of and that you’re capable of even more.

Growth

Imagine an athlete who never tries to grow. He doesn’t visit the weight room, so he physically doesn’t grow like his teammates and competitors. He barely puts forth any effort in practice, so he stays a mediocre player.

I’m a football fan, so I’m going to use that for an example. When I watch football at the beginning of the season, it’s always exciting to see who the breakout players will be. There are always rookies, as well as players from years past.

These guys challenge themselves and one another to be better. Rookies have something to prove, and the returning players have positions to win, year after year.

If you live in the comfort zone of doing the same things you did year over year, you aren’t going to get better, and in the case of sports, you probably won’t hold your position.

Even in life outside of sports, this is true. You’ve been working in your job for several years, but a new person right out of college just got hired to join your department. She’s hungry and energetic. You can see it in her eyes – she wants to climb to the top! She’s going to leave no stone unturned as she strives to meet her goals.

And guess what, one of those stones she plans to turn over is you. She’s learned new technologies. She’s studied the most recent trends and tools for your line of work. She’s fresh and young and eager.

If you want to hold onto your job, you’re going to have to face change. You’ll need to learn those new technologies and tools. You’ll need to show that you still have the eagerness and energy to do your job, or one even higher up the food chain.

Problem Solving

Change often presents a problem, sometimes unforeseen. When you sit stagnant in your comfort zone, the solution might not be obvious to you. In fact, you might not feel that there’s any way out.

But if you reach beyond your comfort zone, you realize that there are solutions all around you. Your mind creatively seeks solutions that weren’t apparent.

Pushing past your comfort zone inspires this creative problem solving. You experience the world in new ways and see things from different perspectives. This opens your mind up to seeing things you wouldn’t have seen before.

To problem solve, you often need to reach beyond that comfort zone to learn new things, experience new things, and even live in new places. Sometimes, these things happen so quickly that you don’t even have time to think about how scary it is. You just go.

The Yerkes-Dodson Law

The Yerkes-Dodson Law states that performance increases as stress increases, and it decreases as stress decreases.

This law was developed by two scientists, Robert Yerkes and John Dillingham Dodson and it dates all the way back to 1908, but it’s age doesn’t decrease its validity.

What the law means is that when you’re living in your comfort zone, or with little stress, your performance is low, relatively speaking, but if you inject some stress or change, your performance increases.

I know a woman who challenged herself to run one race every month for a year. Her main goal was weight loss.

The problem is that she’d never been a runner before, so she had to start at zero and work her way up. Since her first race had to be in the first month of her training, she had no time to waste. She started running right away, even though the distances weren’t that long at first. Her first race was a small one and by race day, she’d run enough to finish.

To add to her success, she lost weight as well. Bonus! In the second month, she was planning to run a longer race, but she didn’t change her training very much, and by race day, she felt ill prepared.

She realized that to compete in the future races, she needed to push herself further – or in Yerkes-Dodson terms, apply stress. She ran farther and faster and by the third month’s race, she felt good about her chances.

By the end of the year, she’d hit her goal of one race per month and she lost one-hundred pounds, and she did it by continuously applying stress. She ran a full marathon by the end the year!

Rise to Above Average

Living an average life is okay, but it’s not fun or exciting. It’s average – mundane even. Who wants to be mundane?

People who are afraid, that’s who!

But you’re a woman who wants to either find a great guy or keep the great guy you have now. Average won’t do.

Why?

Men Like Mystery

Men crave mystery. That’s why a guy in a new relationship seems so excited. Yes, he’s attracted to you, but he’s also excited by the mystery of learning about you.

This is where many women go wrong early in relationships, or in online relationships. They tell too much too soon, and the mystery vanishes as quickly as it came about.

Instead of spilling your entire life story in the first three dates, or worse yet, before you actually meet, share bits of yourself each time you go out. If you’re still chatting online, spill very little. Give him tidbits until you figure out that he isn’t catfishing and until you meet him in person.

The truth is that if you have enough time in a date to spill that much about yourself it either means the date was too long or you talked too much, probably out of nerves.

When you meet a new guy and go out on dates, share little stories. Don’t try to impress him with outlandish stores that may or may not even be true. Try something like this, “Wow, that’s great that you love to travel. I’m trying to see how many stamps I can get in my passport.”

You didn’t outline every country you’ve been to or even how many stamps you may have now. You merely mentioned a challenge or goal you’ve made. He’s intrigued. It’s mystery.

How to keep a man interested

Men Also Love Challenge

When I say challenge here, I don’t mean being difficult. You need to kick him out of his complacency and boredom by changing things up a bit.

Get back into the social life you gave up when you started dating this guy.

Revisit the hobbies you had before he came along.

Get back to being the woman he fell in love with. You challenged him then. You may have been harder to get a date with because you had other plans. This challenges a guy to do better for you, to be important enough to find time on your schedule.

In the movie, Last Holiday, Georgia Byrd, played by Queen Latifah, finds out she’s going to die, so she sets out to do as many things on her wish list as possible. Meanwhile, Sean Matthews, the guy she’s dreaming of, played by LL Cool J, decides to act on his attraction to her.

The key line in the movie, for this discussion anyway, is when he approaches her for a date, soon after she finds out she’s about to die. He says, “I know you’re a busy woman, so I wanted to get on your schedule as soon as I could.” Or something along those lines. This is a guy who knows he’s interested in a woman who’s busy. He’s working to get on her schedule.

You’re Writing a Great Story

When you are mysterious and challenging, you’re automatically writing your story. Your story is ongoing and filled with all of the things you do. Taking a trip adds a chapter to your story. Having hobbies adds to your story. Going back to college in your 40’s adds to your story.

Your goal should be to keep writing your story by experiencing new things, meeting new people, enjoying your hobbies, and so on.

Your story gives you interesting things to talk about on a date. It also keeps the mystery and challenge alive.

You Achieve Your Goals

Everyone dreams of a different life. Celebrities dream of going out with their kids and not having twenty people ask for autographs. Young people dream of having that life. Some people dream of not worrying about money every day. Other people dream of a new house or a new car.

It’s natural to dream, but why not turn those dreams into goals?

My funny story about reaching a goal

But reaching for and achieving goals requires you to recognize that life begins outside your comfort zone. If you did it all of the time, you wouldn’t need to set a goal for it.

How great would it feel to actually have some of your dreams come true?

You Build Confidence

When you challenge yourself by trying to live outside your comfort zone or achieving new goals, you automatically become more confident.

Your belief in yourself grows, and that’s the definition of confidence. Belief that you can do something.

The best part is that the guys you should want to date are the confident men, and those men only date confident women. Relationships sometimes fall apart when confidence falls away.

You’re More Resilient

Living beyond your comfort zone means living with some discomfort, but many people avoid this discomfort at all costs.

However, once you experience some discomfort and recognize that you can live with a feeling of discomfort, you become more resilient.

The next time something a little uncomfortable comes along, you aren’t as afraid because you know you’ve lived through it before and that you’re a better person for it.

You Feel More in Control of Your Life

Once you set and achieve goals, build your confidence, and become more resilient, you feel more in control of your life. You understand that more of your life is within your control than you ever imagined.

You understand that you’re steering the ship and your life can look more like what you’ve imagined all along. It’s empowering!

Why It’s Hard to Leave Your Comfort Zone

If this was easy, you wouldn’t be here. You’d be out busting the walls of your comfort zone.

Leaving your comfort zone requires applying that stress you read about above. It requires you to swallow some anxiety and push past fear.

Those aren’t easy things to do.

It also requires you to challenge the way you think and blow past limiting beliefs that are holding you back.

You must become mentally immune to fear and pain, recognize that they’re fleeing emotions, just like joy and happiness can be.

I like to equate negative emotions to leaves floating on a stream. They approach and you may or may not see them coming, then they come closer and get right in front of you. You can reach out and touch them, but they continue to float by, unless you pluck them out of the water and hold onto them. Once you let them go, they float away, as smoothly as they arrived.

The problem is when you pull them out of the water and keep them, instead of letting them float away, they begin to rot and decay instead of adding to your life.

How to Live Outside Your Comfort Zone

Sometimes a situation comes along that requires you to step outside of your comfort zone and you don’t have a choice.

But when you’re in the driver’s seat, what can you do?

Set Goals

You read about this above and I have a whole workbook you can buy for less than a cup of coffee.

Plan to Succeed

A goal is a written statement, an intention. But you need more. You need a plan. What are the steps you need to take to reach that goal?

What obstacles might you encounter? How can you overcome them?

By planning for success, you organize your thoughts and recognize any shifts necessary in the timeline of your goal.

ACT!

There is a space between wanting something and having it, and that space is filled with either action or the lack of action.

It’s that action or inaction that defines whether you launch yourself out of your comfort zone or remain in it.

Plans are great, but they’re nothing without acting.

Be Flexible

When things need adjustment, don’t give up. Adjust. If you need more time to reach a goal, extend your timeline. If you want to shoot a little higher, adjust the goal a little higher.

Many people give up on their goals once the first trip-up happens. You weigh in and you didn’t lose as much weight as you wanted in that timeframe, so you quit.

Instead of quitting, adjust. Do you need to exercise more? Are you eating as well as you can?

Don’t quit. Adjust.

Continue Making New Goals

Once you meet a goal, set a new one. Never stop. Having goals is an ongoing thing. Set one and meet it, then set another. Better yet, go after more than one at a time!

Challenge yourself and write that great story!

Remember, goals help you build confidence and high confidence gets you the best of the men out there!

Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone – That’s a Wrap!

Hopefully by now, you’re ready to launch out of your comfort zone. You see the wisdom of facing fears and staring them down. You understand the value of setting goals and reaching them.

The benefits of living outside of your comfort zone far outweigh staying inside that comfort zone.

There is so much life out there to live, so face those fears, set those goals, and get out there! The next chapter of your story is just waiting to be written, and a great guy is out there waiting to hear it!

Learn how to set life-changing goals – the kind of goals you won’t drop in 48 hours – with this awesome workbook! Just click the button below to start today!

This workbook will walk you through setting goals that are meaningful to you and will help you improve your life in ways you never imagined!

Stop sitting by, watching others achieve their goals. In fact, forget about them! This is about you and your new-found ability to have the life you want.

The workbook is a digital download, so once you complete your purchase, which is less than a cup of coffee, you will be on. your way!

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Don’t Fall Victim To Quitter’s Day This Year

Build Confidence

Quitter’s Day is the second Friday after New Year’s Day every year. It is the day by which most New Year’s Resolutions have been abandoned.

Fewer than ten percent of people who set resolutions in the new year actually accomplish their goals. Only twenty-five percent stay committed for more than thirty days.

That means you could be in the 75-90% of people who, while well intentioned, give up on your goals in less than 30 days.

Why? Why do people give up so quickly?

Let’s look into the whole idea of New Year’s Resolutions and Quitter’s Day.

How to Start the New Year Right

New Year’s Resolutions – The Roots

We have the ancient Babylonians to partially thank for today’s custom of setting resolutions.

To make a very long story short, they promised to placate the temperamental gods of their time by vowing to pay debts or return borrowed equipment. They celebrated the Akita festival, which lasted several days, and was held around their new year in March.

The Romans, a few thousand years later, now celebrating the new year on January 1, tried to enter each new year on a positive note.

However, we can trace our current New Year’s customs to the 17^th and 18^th century Puritans who colonized America. In 1740, John Wesley, the founder of the Methodist church, introduced a Covenant Renewal Service, which he viewed as an alternative to more rowdy celebrations. During this celebration, they sang hymns, had night watch services, and reflected on the year past.

Jonathan Edwards, a New England theologian created a list of seventy resolutions over a period of a few years. His resolutions included actions like treating people with kindness and avoiding gossip.

If we travel back in time just a bit, we find the diaries of Anne Halkett, who wrote a list of her intentions for the new year under the heading of resolutions. Since she used the word resolutions, it’s believed it was a more wide-spread concept.

Quitter’s Day – The Roots

By the time we creep into the nineteenth century, we see magazines and newspapers poking fun at the inability of people to keep their resolutions. Some articles claimed that people ‘sinned all through the month of December’ just to have all of their misdeeds tossed aside and get a fresh start in the new year.

In the later 1800’s, newspapers often published the names of citizens and the resolutions they’d made, many of which were religious in nature up to this point.

In the twentieth century, resolutions were a regular occurrence at the turn of a new year, but many were no longer religiously based. This meant a language change, among other things. For example, instead of avoiding gluttony, which would be a more religious resolution, today, we vow to eat healthy.

Regardless of what you call it, there were resolutions and many of them were broken.

That means it’s time to examine why there is not only a long history of making resolutions but of breaking them as well.

Is There a Secret to Staying with New Year’s Resolutions?

Why Do Most People Fail to Keep their Resolutions?

We’ve established that it seems to be human nature to both set and break resolutions, but why? Why can’t we be successful?

Quitters Day Happens to Those Who Are Too Lofty

Let’s step back a couple of weeks. People tend to get very introspective at the end of the year. We start looking back on the past year and we realize that we didn’t accomplish what we wanted to, so we vow to do better?

Does this sound familiar at all? The more frustrated or dejected you are over the year past, the more likely you are to want to make dramatic changes.

This leads to goals that might be too lofty or ambitious. Maybe you’re unhappy with your weight. You might decide that the new year is your time for change.

Congratulations! This is an awesome goal. Even the fittest people set goals to be healthy. But perhaps your goal is a little too ambitious. Usually this happens when you want to lose too much weight too fast.

Other common goals are more travel, improving personal relationships, adding a fitness regimen, or learning something new.

What Can You Do?

The best way to make sure your resolution isn’t too ambitious is to do a little research. There are many roadblocks to any goal, but if you know about them ahead of time, you can plan for them.

For example, it’s just harder to lose weight during the ‘eating holidays’, which are, for many, Thanksgiving and Christmas. It can also be harder to lose weight if you travel frequently or eat many meals out.

Knowing this, you can plan accordingly by determining what is healthy to eat during the holidays, cutting your portions, and so on. As for travel, make a vow to yourself to choose healthier options or share portions with a travel cohort.

If you eat out a lot right now, perhaps get yourself a cookbook, which is probably cheaper than the cost of eating one meal out and look for healthy options there.

You can also learn how much weight is a reasonable amount to lose in a week or month. There are tons of articles out there on this topic and the topic of weight loss. Speak to friends who’ve lost weight and ask how they succeeded.

Resolutions Fail When You Feel Pressured to Make Them

As many as 62% (64% of women) report that they felt pressured to make their resolutions. The pressure might come from close friends, or society in general. You might even be taking a class where you’ve been given an assignment to write your resolutions.

A resolution you’re forced to make will never work because your heart isn’t in it. For many people, being coerced into doing something can automatically create a level of resistance and rebellion.

This is a natural response. Nobody likes being forced to do something, even if the pressure is coming from society, and not someone closer to you. That need to be part of the crowd sucks you in, then you soon regret acting on impulse.

What Can You Do?

Don’t cave to peer or societal pressure. It’s okay to say, “You know, resolutions really aren’t my thing. I think I’d rather not.”

If someone keeps pressuring you, recognize that you just set a boundary – no resolutions for me please – and they’re trying to crash it. Use the rule of threes. Say no, kindly, three times. If the person persists, extricate yourself from the situation, “I think I’m going to head out now so you can get to work on your resolutions. I’ll talk to you later.”

If you’re feeling pressure on a larger scale – like everyone you know on TikTok has posted their resolutions and you feel you should, step back and evaluate why you feel the need to conform.

This can come from a place of low confidence. The need to follow the crowd instead of being yourself shows that you’re trying to fit in, regardless of your own values or beliefs. This isn’t the genuine you, so stop it.

The people who love you love you for who you are when you’re truly being yourself. Society at large is filled with many people you don’t know and will never run into anyway. Who cares what they think?

In either case, friend or society, work on building your confidence so you feel less of an urge to conform to their standards and more willing to be true to yourself.

Besides, the truth is that only about 30% of Americans make resolutions anyway. Some of these people might just be faking it anyway!

Quitters Day Happens to Those Who Don’t Follow Through

Okay, so you want to set a resolution, and you do, but then what? Does someone wave a magic wand and *poof* your resolution happens right before your very eyes?

Um. No.

The first thing you should do is change your language. Resolutions are really goals, and the sooner you start calling them goals, the more likely you’ll be to follow through.

But it isn’t just a language difference, it’s a difference of dedication and motivation.

My Funny Story About Setting a Goal

What Can You Do? Set Goals

Once you call your resolutions goals, it’s time to treat them as goals. Set a quantifiable goal, meaning give it a number.

I want to lose weight isn’t quantifiable.

I want to lose 50 pounds is quantifiable.

Next, determine the timeline for your goal. If you allow for 2.5 pounds a week, 50 pounds will take you 20 weeks.

Your next step is to determine if this is an attainable goal for you. Is 2.5 pounds a week reasonable? There may be weeks when you lose more and weeks when you lose less, but generally speaking, this is probably a good goal.

After this, you need to decide if this goal is relevant to your life. Does this goal fit in with your overall values and priorities? Maybe you had a health scare last year and it’s motivated you to be healthier. Then it would definitely be relevant.

And lastly, know why you chose this goal. Without knowing why you want to achieve a goal, it’s harder to stay dedicated.

Some experts recommend that you share your goals with someone who can hold you accountable. This varies for everyone.

For some people, studies have shown that the mere sharing of the goal takes the excitement out and people don’t follow through. For others, they want someone along on their journey.

Do You Need a Mentor?

One final recommendation I have is to set rewards – this turns your SMART goal into a SMARTR goal. Rewards can be motivating if you set the right rewards up in advance. Just make sure your reward doesn’t undermine your goal. A donut is a poor reward for a weight loss goal. Spending $300 on a spa day is a bad idea for a goal to save money.

Your Resolution Fails Because You Lose the Excitement

Some find it exciting to set resolutions. You get caught up in the wave of New Year’s fresh start talk and before you know it, you’re making resolutions like crazy.

Then, a few days later, you’re back to work and the kids are back to school and real life sets in again. The excitement fades and those resolutions just don’t seem as exciting anymore.

What Can You Do?

Make sure the goals you set are meaningful to you. You just read about this in the last section. A goal that has meaning in your life is more motivating than one you just randomly set out of the excitement of a fresh start.

Follow the steps that you just read above and pursue your goals the right way. If, in the process of planning your goal, you find it doesn’t excite you any longer, set it aside for later in the year.

Quitter’s Day – The Second Friday of January

Quitter’s Day is the name given to the second Friday in January and there’s a good reason for that. Fridays are more difficult for goals.

Fridays are lead-ins to the weekend where inhibitions can be tossed out the window. You’re out with friends or you’re home, closer to negative influences. You have more time to shop and spend money as well.

Fridays are also days when, if people decide they’ve already failed at their goal, why now just blow the whole weekend? They vow to reset on Monday, but when Monday comes around, they either forget or just don’t want to.

What Can You Do?

Set realistic goals, as you’ve already read. This is actually the solution for many of these Quitter’s Day problems, in case you hadn’t already noticed.

Next, plan out your weekends and make sure you have time to work on your goal, or fill your weekend so you’re not bored and more likely to give up on your goal. If we stick to the weight loss goal, make sure you have healthy options at home with few unhealthy options to choose instead.

If your goal is financial, fill your weekend with activities that keep you out of the malls and off of the Amazon app. Do some spring cleaning. Invite a friend over for a movie marathon. Spend time with an elderly relative, helping them do things around their home. Volunteer somewhere.

And finally, use the weekends to track your progress and give yourself a pat on the back for what you accomplished.

Maybe you didn’t lose 2.5 pounds this week, but you lost 1.8. Celebrate that – it’s a win! Perhaps you had a financial emergency and couldn’t save as much from your paycheck as you wanted, but you saved a little. That’s still a win!

That’s a Wrap on Quitter’s Day!

I hope you set goals that motivate you throughout the new year. While statistics tell me that you’re more likely to give up, I’m hoping you’ve read enough about goals on this website alone to help you understand how to be successful.

Confident women aren’t quitters! If you are questioning your own ability to follow through, I encourage you to boost your confidence. You’ll soon feel more motivated to work on those goals, and it’s a circular effect. The more goals you achieve, the higher your confidence. The higher your confidence, the more motivated you are to work on your goals!

Learn how to set life-changing goals – the kind of goals you won’t drop in 48 hours – with this awesome workbook! Just click the button below to start today!

This workbook will walk you through setting goals that are meaningful to you and will help you improve your life in ways you never imagined!

Stop sitting by, watching others achieve their goals. In fact, forget about them! This is about you and your new-found ability to have the life you want.

The workbook is a digital download, so once you complete your purchase, which is less than a cup of coffee, you will be on. your way!

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How to Control Your Emotions in a Relationship

Build Confidence

Knowing how to control your emotions in a relationship could very well keep you from experiencing a terrible breakup.

While everyone loses control sometimes, others experience emotional reactivity on a regular basis. Today, I’d like to help you recognize if this might be you and help you develop some healthy strategies to regain control.

What does it Mean to be Emotionally Reactive?

When you’re emotionally reactive, you tend to react quickly and negatively to even the mildest of situations.

For example, you and your boyfriend are eating out and the waiter brings your food. Instead of bringing you a baked potato with sour cream, he’s forgotten the sour cream. Your guy goes ballistic. He begins berating the server and is furiously waving his arms in a threatening way.

That’s being emotionally reactive. Let’s look at a more common example.

You’re driving down the road and someone pulls out in front of you, not so close that it threatens an accident, but it startled you nonetheless. You begin calling this person names and flipping him your middle finger.

That too is being emotionally reactive.

Let’s try one more example, this time a relationship example.

You and your partner are enjoying a nice dinner at home when he brings up something you did that he didn’t like. He’s started the conversation in the right way – you’re both happy and enjoying a nice moment together.

But you lose it completely. You feel defensive, maybe even a little attacked, and you resent his comment. You explain that you did what you did to protect yourself in some way and how dare he criticize you for it, except you aren’t explaining, you’re yelling.

The argument devolves into flying insults which you initiate, and he eventually joins in. This argument continues until he finally waves his arms in the air in frustration, grabs his keys, and heads out the door.

After you’ve cooled off, you feel guilty and maybe even a little embarrassed. How did that happen? Let’s find out.

How to Control Your Emotions | Understand Why It Bothered You

There are a variety of reasons why you may be emotionally reactive.

You’ve Experienced a Past Trauma That is Now Triggered

I think every single human being can relate to this cause. I like examples, so let’s use another one.

Carrie and her husband were married for twelve years before their divorce. Mark, her now ex-husband, was verbally abusive and was constantly saying things that were at the least rude and at the most, very hurtful.

A couple of years after their divorce, Carrie was dating Brett. They were enjoying a nice date when Brett said something that immediately triggered an emotional response from Carrie. It was something her ex had said to her and while Brett had meant no disrespect or harm, her ex had, and that’s what she reacted to.

In what seemed like an out-of-body experience, Carrie few off the handle. She was immediately sorry and apologized to Brett, but the problem lingered in her mind. Finally, she realized that what Brett said was very much like something her ex said to her that always made her feel ashamed. The next time she saw Brett, she explained her reaction and promised to do better.

Carrie had a few other hot buttons that were uncovered over the next year or so, but she learned to manage them and eventually, she didn’t react. Today, she couldn’t even tell you what they were.

You Misinterpret People’s Body Language and Intent

Some people are great at reading body language, but some aren’t. Honestly, many people aren’t even aware of their body language or anyone else’s and might not realize that they’re sending certain signals or misinterpreting someone else’s body language.

Still, this can make it hard for you to interpret someone’s. When you’re already in an emotionally reactive frame of mind, you tend to misinterpret people’ body language in the negative.

While someone might be doing something very innocent, you misread the cues and feel threatened or wronged by that person. Your tendency to jump to negative assumptions puts you on the defensive and you’re immediately angry.

The next thing you know, you’re jumping down their throat, carrying on about something, but they have no clue what they’ve done. This, of course, makes you even angrier, and so it goes.

What’s happening is that you’re inadvertently sending a danger signal to your brain and the fight or flight stuff kicks in. Your heart rate accelerates, and you become akin to a mother bear protecting her young. You growl and lash out at the attacker to protect yourself. The problem is that you weren’t ever in danger to begin with.

How to Control Your Emotions | Debunk Your False Beliefs

We’re all told stories when we’re kids, and some of them are scary. As we get older, the beliefs of our parents can infiltrate our own belief system.

For example, your mother may have been afraid of tall men with beards. Maybe she’d experienced something scary with a man who looked like that and now, she associates her fear with any man who looks the same.

Consequently, she’s passed that fear to you, so whenever you see a tall man with a beard, you think the worst. You might even be so fearful that you turn the other way. You feel your fight or flight kick in because you were raised to believe this person is a threat.

It’s also possible to be raised with beliefs about people who believe certain things, like their faith, for example.

Often, these false beliefs come from faulty experiences and information. Look back in your life. How many tall men with beards have you come across? Were they all bad people? Probably none of them were. Now, you can begin to work on eliminating that belief from your life.

These types of beliefs are usually easy to debunk, if you set your mind to it. The everyone who believes X or everyone who looks… beliefs are way too general. You should easily be able to recall someone from your life who fits that description and isn’t that way.

Paranoia

A more extreme example is someone who’s paranoid. Mostly, this is someone who has a psychosis or is on drugs. Most folks don’t experience this.

Still, when you’re paranoid, you believe everyone has an agenda against you. You see everyone as a threat and live in constant fear.

For people who live this way, treatment and medication are the best paths forward.

How to Control Your Emotions | Work on Your Anger Management Issues

I suppose by definition, emotional reactivity and problems with anger management seem to be the same thing, and in some way they are.

If you find yourself angry at the most basic things, you are probably battling anger management issues.

There are several underlying causes for anger management and often, the best way to deal with it is to work with a professional who can help you uncover the cause and work toward better emotional regulation.

Low Confidence and Low Self-Esteem

If you don’t believe in yourself, you will find the things people say to almost feel more like an attack than a passing comment.

Let’s look at how this might play out.

You and a friend are out for lunch on a Saturday afternoon. It’s been a long week at work and you’re looking forward to winding down and enjoying this time.

As you’re dining, a woman glides by, very well-dressed and put together. Your friend makes a comment about how pretty she is and you’re immediately on the defensive. You may hear yourself say, “Am I not pretty???” as your voice raises an octave or two?

Stunned, your friend looks at you, realizing she’s made a mistake. There is no amount of backpedaling she can do now to calm you down.

The reason you reacted this way is that you don’t believe yourself to be pretty. Your self-esteem is low and having someone seemingly point that out hurts.

Luckily for you, this is one you can work out yourself.

I Want to Change My Life!

You Have a History of Abuse

If you have lived a life of abuse, you’re going to be naturally defensive. You believe everyone is out to hurt you and not wanting to be hurt anymore, you immediately fly into fight or flight mode to protect yourself.

If you’re truly in danger, of course, this is a great response, but most of the time, we don’t find ourselves in mortal danger.

This is another instance in which seeking out a professional works best to help you overcome the underlying cause of your reactivity.

Dealing with your past abuse is something a professional is best suited to help you with.

How to Control Your Emotions

Now that you have all of the background information on being emotionally reactive, let’s see if we can’t work through some ways in which you can be more emotionally proactive.

Take a Breath and Count to Ten

I know it sounds like a cliché, but this is one of the best tools you can develop. Being reactive occurs because you don’t take time to think first about how you want to react.

If you take the time to breathe in and out deeply while you count to ten, you fill feel the fight or flight urge lessen and you will have the opportunity to consider the proper response.

This takes practice and won’t be something you just start doing. It takes a conscious effort to recognize that your emotions are ramping up and the ability to stop before it’s too late.

Good news though.

Every single human being has the capability to do this. Me. You. Your partner. Your parents. Your kids.

Many people are never taught that they have this ability and I’ve angered more than a few people by telling them this. Why?

Because when you’re emotionally reactive, you’re blaming someone else for how you’re reacting to the situation. That jerk pulled out in front of you. Your partner said something that ticked you off. It was their fault.

When you become emotionally proactive or in control, you own that you are the one who chose how to react, even though it didn’t feel like it at the time.

Learning to be emotionally proactive or in control of your emotions is a huge leap in your level of maturity. It’s called emotional intelligence.

If you get to ten and you’re still angry, it might be time to step away from the situation for a longer period of time so cooler heads can prevail. Allow yourself time to come up with a way to deal with what happened.

How to Control Your Emotions | See it From Their Point of View

This is a toughie because it forces you to be empathetic when you want to be angry or frustrated. Still, you know there are people who just set you off as soon as you see them.

Terrie was tasked with hiring and working with someone to redo their company website and her boss already had someone in mind. She and a coworker met with this man several times and the guy just got under Terrie’s skin, no matter how hard she tried. He was condescending and rude and she didn’t like him.

The coworker quickly saw that Terrie’s buttons were pushed by this man and took up the job of corresponding with the web designer. As soon as he would see an email to both of them, he would stop by her office to tell her that he would handle it.

Terrie wasn’t proud of how this guy got under her skin, but she found that the more she stayed on the periphery of the project, the smoother things went.

If there’s someone like this in your life, it’s best to try to avoid them as much as you can. If it’s someone who’s genuinely rude to you, then it truly may be them and not you, but if there’s no rational reason why this person gets under your skin, it might be time to look for those faulty beliefs.

Practice Active Listening

Sometimes, being emotionally reactive comes from not taking the time to hear what another person is saying. Being an active listener seems to be a lost skill these days.

Instead of listening and formulating your next thing to say while the speaker is still talking, stop your own thoughts and just listen.

The need to best your opposing speaker comes from a place of low confidence. You want to show what you know or share that your life or experience was more extreme.

After the other person has spoken, take a moment or two to think before you speak. What truly is the best response? How can you appropriately validate their comments by agreeing or showing empathy?

Taking this path, instead of trying to best someone, always produces a better conversational experience. It also forces you to consider your response and be less reactive.

How to Control Your Emotions | Find New Outlets for Your Emotions

When you don’t know how to control your emotions, they can build up with no effective outlet. Negative emotion builds and builds until you almost feel like you’re going to explode.

One way to let out negative emotions is through journaling. Try writing about how you feel about things. Write about your daily experiences and what feelings were triggered. You can think of a journal as the friend at the other end of the line who will listen without issuing a judgment.

Another way to channel your emotions is through meditation. There are tons of YouTubers out there who provide guided meditations.

Some people find art to be a great outlet. In fact, there’s such a thing as art therapy to help people manage difficult things in their lives. And it doesn’t need to be art specifically. You can find this release through music, art, literature, or any other hobby. These tend to help you release and even trigger the release of hormones that calm you down and help alleviate stress.

A final suggestion is to take up a sport or exercise. Boxing is an excellent way to release pent-up emotions, but a fifteen-minute walk can do the same if you don’t want to take on the expense of boxing. Any exercise outlet you choose will help because your body releases endorphins during physical activity and those are often labeled feel-good hormones.

Learn to be Aware of Your Thoughts

Earlier, I said that we all have the ability to control our emotional responses to things. You may have scoffed, but it’s true, and I encourage you to pay attention to not only your emotions but your thoughts.

Teach yourself to listen to your thoughts before you act on them. Learn to discern how you really feel about something before you react to it. During that time of reflection, ask yourself why this particular person or statement bothers you. Can you find a better way to react, or can you choose not to react at all?

Sometimes, if you’re facing someone who’s showing animosity, the best response is no response. Responding only fuels their fire.

One of the best ways to work through this is journaling, again. After you encounter a difficult situation, journal about it. Ask yourself those questions. Where did that feeling come from? If you allow your thoughts to flow freely, you will be able to uncover the secret of why.

How to Control Your Emotions | Learn More About Your Triggers

Understanding why you react the way you do goes a long way in helping you overcome emotional reactivity. Like the example above, you might learn that a particular phrase brings back negative memories. Once you understand this, you’ll be more dialed into it when other phrases are used.

Or it might be that when your friend mentioned that the woman passing by was pretty, it stirred up your own insecurity about your own physical appearance.

Again, and I do feel like a broken record here, journaling can help you. As you journal, take time every week or so to read back through your entries. Look for hidden cues and patterns. You may not notice them as you’re writing, but if you look back over a few days’ worth of entries, they might stand out.

Practice Self-Care

Sometimes the reason you are emotionally reactive is that you’re physically and emotionally exhausted. In this case, a self-care routine can be very beneficial.

Some days try your patience and other days that just flow smoothly from wakeup to bedtime. Regardless, self-care is a way to reset and rejuvenate.

There are several ways to engage in self-care and there are different types of self-care. Most people are familiar with the bubble bath/candles/glass of wine type of self-care, but there are many other things you can do.

Try the Little Self-Care Handbook for more tips on developing a self-care routine.

How to Control Your Emotions | Concluding Thoughts

When you don’t know how to control your emotions, things can go sideways in your relationship very quickly. Without emotional control, there is a constant barrage of damage to the relationship. Arguments are frequent and hurtful. Things are said and wounds gape open and grow larger.

I once read a story about a father whose son was being verbally abusive to a younger sibling. The father decided it was time to teach his son a lesson, so one morning at breakfast, the father told the son he wanted him to go outside and pound as many nails as he wanted to into their fence.

The young man went out and pounded the nails. When he returned indoors, his father told him to return to the fence and pull the nails out. While the boy had only taken about ten minutes to put dozens of nails into the fence, he found that after ten minutes, he’d only pulled out a few.

He came in, complaining to his father that the nails were too difficult to take out. The father smiled and said, “Son, when you say hurtful things to people, it’s like pounding in those nails. It isn’t very difficult, and you can do a lot of damage in a short amount of time. But it’s more difficult to take those words back, just like it’s more difficult to pull out those nails. And even when you do pull the nails out, a hole remains.”

Your words can’t be taken back, so it’s important to ensure that the words you use are the best and most effective for the situation. And by effective, I don’t mean hurtful. I mean effective in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Are you ready to start planning that great life? Click below to get started today! There’s no time like now to live your life on your terms!

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How to Start the New Year Right

Build Confidence

Everyone wants to start the New Year right and many do that with resolutions, but statistics tell us that 91% of New Year’s resolutions fail within forty-eight hours of the New Year.

WOW! That’s huge and it might feel a little discouraging, but that’s why you have me! I’m here to give you a few great tips on how to start the New Year right!

So why do 91% of resolutions fail within forty-eight hours? Let’s dig in!

Obstacles People Come Up Against in the New Year

One common obstacle that people often face when starting the New Year is setting unrealistic goals or resolutions. While it’s great to aim high, setting goals that are too ambitious can lead to disappointment and a sense of failure if they are not met. This can quickly derail other efforts to make positive changes.

Another common barrier is the lack of a clear plan or strategy. Many people start the New Year with a vague idea of wanting to improve certain aspects of their lives, but without a clear plan of action, it’s easy to lose focus and motivation. This lack of direction can make it difficult to achieve desired outcomes.

Procrastination is another significant obstacle that many people encounter. The start of a new year often brings a sense of renewed energy and motivation, but this can quickly fade as the reality of daily life sets in. Procrastination can lead to missed opportunities and a lack of progress towards goals.

Many people also struggle with maintaining consistency. Whether it’s sticking to a new diet, exercise routine, or other lifestyle changes, maintaining these new habits consistently can be challenging. It’s easy to revert back to old habits, especially when faced with stress or unexpected changes.

Finally, a lack of self-confidence or belief in your ability to make changes can be a major obstacle. This can stem from past failures or a fear of failure. Without a strong belief in your ability to make positive changes, it can be difficult to stay motivated and committed to new goals.

Setting Powerful Goals: Your Foundation for the New Year

It’s the dawn of a fresh year! A fantastic opportunity to re-evaluate last year’s happenings, decide on what lessons were valuable, and outline resolutions to enhance your prospects over the next 365 days. Setting achievable, powerful goals for the coming year doesn’t just happen though—it requires thoughtful reflection, purposeful planning, and accountability mechanisms in place. Let’s dive into it.

First and foremost, reflection is critical. Ask yourself what worked and what didn’t for you in the past months? This introspection helps stimulate a clear idea of where you stand, the space for growth, and the direction you should take to make this year a fulfilling one. Be honest—Growth lies in authenticity.

Analyze last year’s goals: Go back to the goals you set last year. Did you achieve them? If not, identify why, and use that intel to inform your future goals.
Consider success: Think about the instances where you felt triumphant and true. What sparked these feelings and how can it be integrated into future objectives?
Assess your values and vision: People change, and so do their values and vision. It’s important to ensure your goals align with your evolving personal ethos.

Thoughtful reflection leads us to the next step—planning. Once you have a clear sense of what matters to you, carve out landmarks that will guide your journey this year.

Measurable outcomes: Break down your aspirations into quantifiable targets. Instead of setting a vague goal like “getting healthier”, you might decide to “Run 3 times a week for 30 minutes.”
Prioritizing goals: Rank your goals in relation to their importance and urgency. This can help prevent burnout and keep the focus on what genuinely matters to each individual tree rather than the whole forest.
Consistent commitment: Consistency in the pursuit of goals works wonders. Set daily, weekly, or monthly tasks that lead to your ultimate goal.

Now that you’ve reflected and planned, don’t forget about accountability. Having someone or something that holds you responsible for your goals significantly enhances the chance of you sticking to them.

Find a mentor or coach: A mentor can offer guidance, encouragement, and constructive feedback throughout your journey.
Engage a support group: Having a group of individuals with similar aspirations can be a source of motivation and mutual learning. Their victories will inspire you, and possibly, your story might inspire them!
Journaling: Build a habit of jotting down your daily accomplishments. Over time, these entries will serve as your visual scorecard, reminding you of your capabilities and progress.

Remember, a New Year is a fresh canvas, and you’re the artist. Paint your dreams onto this canvas and extend their reach far beyond the boundary of just “resolutions”.

Setting powerful goals is essential, but most importantly, remember to take care of yourself throughout the process. Be patient, acknowledge your achievements however small they may seem, and celebrate your efforts. After all, the journey to a thousand miles begins with a single step!

Learn how to set life-changing goals – the kind of goals you won’t drop in 48 hours – with this awesome workbook! Just click the button below to start today!

This workbook will walk you through setting goals that are meaningful to you and will help you improve your life in ways you never imagined!

Stop sitting by, watching others achieve their goals. In fact, forget about them! This is about you and your new-found ability to have the life you want.

The workbook is a digital download, so once you complete your purchase, which is less than a cup of coffee, you will be on. your way!

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Start the New Year Right with a Self-Care Routine

Starting the New Year right takes more than just setting goals and working towards them; it involves a holistic approach that includes practicing self-care. What exactly does self-care mean to you? Let’s explore this together.

Self-care is about taking time to focus on your well-being and nurturing yourself, both physically and mentally. It’s about establishing routines and habits that promote health, happiness, and restorative balance in your life. And guess what? There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Self-care looks different for everyone, and what’s most important is finding practices that resonate with you.

Now, why is this important as you start your New Year? Well, maintaining a dedicated self-care routine can have a significant impact on your ability to achieve your goals.

See, goal achievement is often seen as a marathon, not a sprint. Imagine trying to run this marathon while you’re exhausted, burnt out, or feeling unwell. It’s practically impossible, right? That’s where self-care shines – it’s your vital fueling station for this long race called life.

So, how do you go about implementing a successful self-care routine for the New Year? Here are a few tips:

Set aside time for relaxation and reflection each day: This could be anything from meditation to journaling or simply reading a book. The key is to have some ‘me’ time where you can unwind and focus on your inner self.
Prioritize physical health: Regular exercise and healthy eating habits should be a non-negotiable part of your day. Even a 20-minute walk can do wonders for your mood and energy levels.
Surround yourself with positivity: Whether that’s with positive people, inspiration-filled environments or uplifting music, positivity can significantly influence your mental well-being.
Keep learning and growing: Constant growth and learning can give you a sense of achievement, sprinkling joy and satisfaction in your life.

Remember, the goal isn’t perfection here; small consistent changes often lead to massive outcomes. So start small, make gradual changes, and most importantly, be consistent with your self-care routine.

Ultimately, weaving self-care into the fabric of your life will not only aid in the successful attainment of your New Year resolutions but also ensure you’re in the best condition to face whatever challenges the New Year may bring. So, as you strive to start this New Year right, don’t forget to take care of the most crucial player in this game – You!

Having an effective self-care routine is crucial to your daily peace and happiness, but many people falsely believe that self-care is simply taking a hot bath with a glass of wine and some candles.

There are so many other ways to enjoy a self-care routine and this book walks you through them, providing you with many choices on how you can implement a self-care routine into your schedule.

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Positive Mindset: Your Secret Weapon to Conquer New Year Challenges

Now that you know how to set goals and you understand the importance of self-care, it’s time to get the right mindset behind your effort!

Building a positive mindset isn’t instant—it’s a gradual and consistent process. The most vital part is to maintain this mindset throughout the year, not just the first few days or weeks. So, how can you build such a resilient mindset? Well, let’s dive into that.

Tips to Cultivate a Resilient Mindset and Start the New Year Right

The first step is awareness. You must recognize that your thoughts heavily influence your actions. If you continually believe you cannot achieve something, this becomes your reality. So, be aware of what you tell yourself. The idea is to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

The next step involves the consistent practice of positive thinking. Positive affirmations are a brilliant tool. When you start your day with positive affirmations like “I can accomplish anything I set my mind to” or “I’m continually bettering myself,” you’re feeding your mind optimism, resulting in an incredible shift in your perspective and actions.

“Your mind is a powerful thing. When you fill it with positive thoughts, your life will start to change.”

Mindfulness is also an effective strategy for cultivating a positive mindset. It involves staying connected with the present moment, thereby reducing anxieties about the future or resentments about the past. There are various ways to practice mindfulness, including meditation, yoga, or simply taking a moment to appreciate the beauty of life around you.

Lastly, remember that a positive mindset doesn’t mean ignoring the challenges that come your way. Rather, it means facing these challenges with optimism, confidence, and the firm belief that you are more than capable of overcoming them.

As you step into the New Year, bear in mind these simple yet powerful tips to help you nurture a resilient mindset—it will be your driving force in achieving your goals and navigating any obstacles in your path.

Embrace a Morning Routine: The First Step to a Successful Day

Imagine starting your day in harmony, feeling relaxed, and filled with positivity. Yes, this can be your reality if you embrace a consistent morning routine. Now, you may be thinking, “I’m just not a morning person”. But, the truth is, you don’t have to wake up at the crack of dawn to maintain a beneficial morning routine. You just need to create a sequence of activities that resonates with you, boosts your mood, and prepares you for a successful day.

The magic of a morning routine

A structured morning routine can be a game changer for your productivity and well-being. It sets the tone for the day, reduces stress levels by eliminating rushing and decision-making stress, fuels your focus on your goals, and promotes a better work-life balance. No wonder many successful people swear by their morning routine!

Establish consistency: Wake up and start your routine at the same time every day. This consistency helps regulate your body’s internal clock and can improve sleep quality.
Personalize your routine: There’s no ‘one size fits all’ routine. Tailor your routine to suit your needs and preferences. Whether that’s meditation, a vigorous workout, visualizing your goals, or a combination of all, the choice is yours.
Focus on positivity: Include affirmations or gratitude reflections in your routine to cultivate a positive mindset. Remember, a better day starts with a cheerful you.

Creating a morning routine that works doesn’t happen overnight. It requires patience, commitment, and constant re-evaluation. But the payoff is an enhanced sense of control, increased productivity, and better health – making it one of the best ways to start the New Year right.

Sample morning routine

To help you get started, here’s a sample morning routine you might consider:

Time	Activity
6:30 am	Wake up and hydrate
6:40 am	10-minute meditation
7:00 am	Light workout (Yoga, Stretching or Jogging)
7:30 am	Healthy breakfast and day planning

Remember, this is just a suggestion, and it’s crucial to adapt the routine to your unique needs, preferences, and lifestyle. The objective is to design a morning routine that you look forward to, not one that feels like a chore.

“The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.” – Mike Murdock

So there it is; start your New Year off with a powerful morning routine and set the stage for a productive, fulfilling, and successful year. It all starts with a commitment to making a change. Are you ready?

Start the New Year Right by Adopting Healthy Habits

Adopting healthy habits often seems like daunting task, but with the right direction and some perseverance, you can cultivate these habits and lay a strong foundation for your New Year. Each habit you adopt gradually refines your lifestyle, creating a positive cycle that fuels your success throughout the year. So, how should you start? Here is a guide:

Set achievable habits: Instead of focusing on grand and often unreachable goals, aim for smaller, more achievable habits. For instance, if improving your health is a goal, start by adding more vegetables to your diet or taking a 15-minute walk every day.
Consistency is key: Maintaining consistency is more valuable than the occasional intensive effort. Set a schedule for your new habits and stick to it. Progress might be slow, but it is sure.
Adapt and adjust: Don’t be discouraged if a habit doesn’t stick right away, or if it becomes overwhelming. It’s okay to adapt and adjust based on your experience. Remember, flexibility can be your ally.

Moving on, let’s look at some key areas where adopting healthy habits can make a significant impact on your life.

Area	Healthy Habit Examples
Physical Health	Regular exercise, balanced diet, adequate sleep
Mental Health	Meditation, yoga, engaging in hobbies
Relationships	Open communication, regular check-ins with loved ones, expressing gratitude
Financial Health	Monthly budgeting, regular savings, investing wisely

Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day!

It’s absolutely normal if progress seems slow. The key is to start small and stay consistent. And while it is important to be disciplined, don’t forget to be kind to yourself in the process. Every step you take towards adopting just one healthy habit is a victory worth celebrating.

Adopting healthy habits is an ongoing journey, rather than a destination. It is all about learning and growing. As the stunning sunrise heralds a brand new year, it also brings with it the promise of countless opportunities for healthy changes. Harness those opportunities and make this New Year a productive odyssey filled with achievements and happiness.

Master the Art of Time Management: A Crucial Step for Success

Time, as it’s often said, waits for no one. It is an equal-opportunity resource; each of us, no matter who we are or what we do, gets the same 24 hours in a day.

When the new year begins, we are handed a brand new set of 365 days. How we use each of these days can directly impact the success of our goals for the year. That’s where mastering time management comes into play.

Time management isn’t about squeezing as many tasks into your day as possible. It’s about simplifying how you work, doing things faster, and relieving stress. It enables you to take control of your life rather than following the flow of others. As you achieve more each day, make more sound decisions, and feel more in control, people notice.

“Time management is not a peripheral activity or skill. It is the core skill upon which everything else in life depends.” – Brian Tracy

Let’s consider some effective ways to master the art of time management:

Start Your Day with a To-Do List: The simple act of writing down your tasks for the day helps you focus.
Prioritize Your Tasks: Not every task holds the same level of significance. Prioritize your tasks based on their relevance and deadline.
Set Realistic Goals and Deadlines: Setting realistic goals within your timeline allows for more accurate planning and less stress—does this sound familiar?
Quit Multitasking: Doing many tasks simultaneously often results in decreased productivity. Focus on one task at a time to improve accuracy and efficiency.
Take Regular Breaks: Taking regular breaks between tasks can help increase productivity and creative thinking.

Everyone has the same amount of time in a day, but some people can accomplish many times more than others. This achievement is not due to superhuman abilities, but a question of how they manage their time.

So, as the new year approaches, pledge to master the art of time management. It’s a powerful step forward in starting the year off right and set you on a path of success.

It’s Not Enough to START the New Year Right, You Must Also Stay Motivated

Indeed, I understand that keeping the New Year’s momentum going can sometimes be a challenge. You start the year off with high energy, vibrant goals, and a clear vision of what you want to achieve. However, as weeks and months pass, your focus might start to dwindle, and the motivation begins to wane. So here are a few tactics that can turn things around for you.

First, maintaining motivation is all about striking a balance and seizing the precious moments of personal time you have. There’s nothing like celebrating small wins; it can electrify your spirit, boost your confidence and provide the motivation to aim for the next target.

Quick Walks: Taking short walks can uplift your mood. The fresh air can help clear your mind, providing a new perspective on your goals.
Active Breaks: Incorporating short workouts or quick stretches into your break schedule can keep you energized and focussed throughout the day. Plus, exercise is known to boost serotonin, the feel-good hormone that keeps you happy and motivated.
Self-Congratulation: Treat yourself to something nice when you achieve a smaller target on the way to your big goal. This not only gives you something to look forward to but can also serve as a reminder of your progress.

If you think of your life as a symphony, this next strategy could be the perfect melody line. Ever thought of embracing the power of Collaborative Goals? We often forget the electrifying power of collective energy towards achieving a common goal. Be it a workout buddy, a study group, or a business partner; shared goals can motivate you to keep pushing even when your energy levels are low. It creates a space of accountability and encouragement, lightening the challenges along the way.

Another invaluable technique in your motivation arsenal is the Art of Visualization. When you visualize your goals and the process of achieving them, your subconscious begins to work towards this reality, making it easier to remain motivated.

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.” – Albert Einstein

Lastly, don’t forget to be patient. Keep your eye on the long-term goal, and remember that progress, no matter how small, is still progress. Stay motivated, stay on track, and welcome the New Year with a resilient spirit and heart full of hope. Encourage yourself to pursue your dreams, and remember, nothing worthwhile was ever achieved without effort and persistence.

Tracking Your Progress: Making Your New Year Goals Tangible

Every goal, no matter how colossal or minuscule, becomes manageable when you break it down into measurable steps. Recognizing and tracking your progress is an essential strategy that helps turn your New Year’s resolutions from mere wishes to tangible realities. But where should you start in tracking your progress? How do you decide what to measure and what not to?

Start by Identifying Trackable Elements

First off, think about what success looks like for your goal. Then, consider which elements of that success you can measure. If your New Year’s resolution is to improve your fitness, measurable elements could be minutes spent exercising, calories burned, or improvements in weight, body fat percentage, or overall general wellness.

Choose a Tracking Method That Makes Sense For You

Once you’ve identified what to track, decide on a system for tracking and recording your progress. This could be as low-tech as a paper journal, or as high-tech as a dedicated app or tool. The critical point is that your method fits into your daily life naturally, increasing the chances that you’ll stick with it throughout the year.

Making Improvements Along The Way

It’s also important to note that tracking isn’t just about recording- it’s about evaluating and adapting. Every so often, take some time to reflect on your progress, see what’s working and what’s not, and make adjustments accordingly. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint—be patient and kind to yourself along the way.

Last but not least, don’t forget to celebrate your wins—both big and small. Rewarding yourself for the progress you’ve made along the way can keep your motivation high and your eye on the prize!

In conclusion, tracking your progress can be a powerful tool in making your New Year’s resolutions stick. So start early, stay consistent, and watch your progress soar!

Overcoming Obstacles: Strategies to Break through New Year Resolution Barriers

As we march into the New Year, it’s only natural that we’ll face challenges and encounters with obstacles. When these barriers arise, don’t allow them to knock you off course. Instead, use practical strategies to overcome, learning and growing as a result.

Strategy 1. Create Flexible Plans

While it’s wonderful to have a solid plan, it’s equally important to accept that life is unpredictable. Establish your goals with room for flexibility. If something doesn’t go as planned, don’t see it as a failure. Instead, adapt your plan and continue moving forward.

Strategy 2. Reframe Your Thinking

Many obstacles are merely a matter of perception. The way you frame problems can directly influence how you cope with them. Instead of seeing obstacles as a negative, view them as opportunities to learn, grow, and improve.

Strategy 3. Develop a Support Network

Who said you have to do everything alone? Develop a network of friends, family, or likeminded individuals who can offer encouragement, advice, and support. This kind of social reinforcement can be a powerful motivator and can provide necessary perspectives or solutions when obstacles emerge.

Remember, it’s not about perfection; it’s about progress. Each day, each week, each month brings new opportunities to move closer to your goals. Stay positive, focused, and ready to overcome any barriers you may face.

Strategy 4. Practice Self-Care

Your physical and mental health should always be a top priority. Taking care of yourself will give you the energy and clarity you need to face any challenges that come your way. This could involve daily physical exercise, healthy eating habits, mindfulness techniques, or simply ensuring you get enough rest.

Strategy 5. Be Patient

Real change and overcoming big obstacles doesn’t happen overnight. Give yourself the grace of patience. Understand that progress might be slower than anticipated, but keep going. Every small step forward is a victory worth celebrating.

All these strategies work symbiotically to help you navigate and overcome obstacles. The New Year will certainly serve up challenges, but with these strategies in your toolkit, you have everything you need to conquer them and flourish.

Step into Success: Create the Environment to Start the New Year Right

Crafting a conducive environment is one of the key steps in steering your year towards success. A winning environment not only fosters your determination and endurance but also provides an optimal setting for developing and refining your skills towards accomplishing your New Year’s resolutions.

To start with, evaluate your surroundings. Your environment plays an unmatched role in shaping your behaviours, habits and attitudes. Whether it’s your home, workplace or any other place where you spend a significant amount of your time, ensure that it supports your purpose.

At home, create a peaceful and inspiring setting to start your day right. Designate a corner for meditation or daily planning. Install motivational posters or notes to keep your goals in sight.
At work, organize your workspace to enhance productivity. A clutter-free space promotes focus and efficiency, while personalized elements can boost your mood and creativity.

Next, identify the key influencers in your life. They could be family, friends, colleagues, or mentors. These are the people whose words and actions can either fuel or derail your new year’s journey. Aim to foster relations that are positive, supportive, and growth-oriented while minimizing interactions that are unproductive or negative.

Supplement your environment with a good learning ecosystem. Engage with stimulating materials and sources that encourage personal and professional development. Enroll in courses, read insightful books, listen to podcasts or engage in networking events. This will not only keep you informed and abreast with the latest trends but also keep you motivated along your journey.

Lastly, embrace the power of positive reinforcement. Celebrate every progress, no matter how small, because progress is progress. This will leverage your motivation and help you stay on track.

Remember, creating a winning environment is iterative. It allows you to fine-tune your surroundings and relationships as per your evolving needs and goals. Step into this new year with a resolution to be in control of your environment and, thus, your success.

Visualize Your Victory: The Role of Positive Imagery in Achieving Goals

Visualizing your victory is a potent tool in your New Year goals blueprint. This mental technique involves repeatedly imagining the successful completion of your goal. By consistently visualizing the desired outcome, you can prepare your mind and even your body to achieve it.

For instance, if your goal is to run a marathon, visualize yourself crossing the finish line triumphantly, amidst cheers and applause. You’ll likely find that these images embolden you in your endeavor and make your goal feel more achievable.

Remember, visualization is not about hoping or wishing. It’s about mentally preparing for success. It’s a way of ‘pre-experiencing’ the victory, and this can have quite a profound impact on your motivation and determination.

Let’s take a deeper dive into some notable benefits of visualization, along with straightforward ways to incorporate it into your routine as you head into the New Year.

Benefits of Visualization

Motivation Boost: Regularly visualizing success can spark and sustain your motivation, making your goals seem more tangible and within reach.
Increased Confidence: Visualization allows you to see yourself successfully overcoming hurdles and challenges, boosting your self-confidence and self-belief.
Improved Focus: Visualization techniques can enhance your ability to focus on your goal, blocking out distractions that can derail your efforts.
Ability to Cope with Setbacks: With positive visualization, you can mentally rehearse overcoming obstacles, which can significantly improve your ability to cope with real-life setbacks.

How to Incorporate Visualization in your Routine

To truly harness the power of visualization, incorporate it into your daily routine. Here’s how:

Set a Regular Time: Find a quiet moment in your day, perhaps first thing in the morning or right before bed. Dedicate this time to your visual imagery practice.
Detail your Imagery: When visualizing, focus on the specifics. Hear the sounds, feel the emotions and visualize the actions you’re taking. The more detailed the imagery, the more powerful the impact.
Use Positive Affirmations: Accompany your visualization with positive affirmations. Reiterate your capability and commitment to achieve your goals.
Repeat the Visualization: Consistency is key. Just as physical practice enhances skills over time, so does your mental rehearsal. Make it a habitual part of your routine.

So, as we head into the New Year, remember that visualization is not just daydreaming. Think of it as your mental rehearsal for success. Embrace it, trust it and watch as you flourish with an energized motivation and a firm action plan.

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Say Yes to No: The Power of Rejection as You Start the New Year Right

Starting the new year with gusto is commendable, but maintaining that fiery resolve all year long can be a daunting task. A critical yet often overlooked strategy for achieving your New Year’s resolutions is learning to say “no”. Consider this an exercise in setting boundaries and prioritizing your obligations wisely. Here’s how this potent, two-letter word can transform your journey in the upcoming year.

Understanding the Power of “No”

Each of us has only 24 hours in a day, and precious few of those are yours alone. Constantly saying “yes” to others can drain your time and energy, leaving you depleted and unable to pursue your own goals. By learning to say “no”, you can better manage your resources and dedicate them to what truly matters: your own personal growth and achievement.

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” ― Warren Buffett

Thus, embracing the power of “no” allows you to focus your resources on the vital few things that can make the biggest impact on your life. It’s an exercise in setting priorities, focusing solely on what aligns with your New Year’s resolutions. Remember, “No.” is a complete sentence.

The Art of Saying “No”

While the concept of saying “no” seems straightforward, it can be challenging to put into practice. Here are key tips to help you master the art of saying “no”, enabling you to safeguard your time, preserve your energy, and stay focused on your New Year’s resolutions:

Recognize your priorities: Knowing what’s most important to you is the first step to decision-making. Ensure your “yes” aligns with your key priorities, and feel empowered to say “no” to anything that doesn’t.
Be assertive, yet respectful: Saying ‘no’ doesn’t mean you have to be rude. Be assertive yet respectful in your response.
Eliminate guilt: Remember, saying “no” is about preserving your energy for what truly matters; release any guilt associated with prioritizing your needs.
Take time to think: If you’re unsure, consider asking for time to think before responding. This way, you avoid hasty decisions that you may later regret.

By mastering the art of tactfully saying “no”, you empower yourself to remain focused on your goals, eventually paving the way for a successful New Year.

Leap of Faith: Overcoming Fear and Embracing Change

Starting a New Year comes with its share of excitement and anticipation – a fresh start with endless possibilities. However, inevitably, it also means facing a certain amount of fear and apprehension. This fear can stem from various sources: the uncertainty of the future, the pressure to achieve set resolutions, the worry of falling back into old habits, or even the fear of trying something completely new. The key to overcoming these fears is to consider them not as obstacles but stepping stones towards embracing change and creating new opportunities. And that involves a leap of faith.

Embracing change is an integral part of any self-growth journey and is especially important when starting a new year. Each New Year presents you with a chance to reinvent yourself, to step out of your comfort zone and explore new horizons. Embracing change means being open to new experiences, adapting to different scenarios, and making the most of ensuing opportunities.

Is it scary? Sure, it can be. But as Nelson Mandela once said, “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” This essentially sums up the significance of a ‘leap of faith’ in overcoming fear and embracing change.

Here are three key strategies to help you take that brave leap forward:

Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness involves staying completely grounded in the present moment, acknowledging your fears but not letting them control your actions. And there are various ways to cultivate mindfulness, such as meditation, deep breathing, or guided imagery.
Build self-confidence: Reinforce your capabilities and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small. This uplifts your spirit, boosts your self-confidence, and equips you with the courage to face fears and embrace change.
Surround yourself with positivity: Positive influences in the form of friends, books, or motivational videos can work wonders for your mindset. They can rekindle your spirit, inspire you to push boundaries, and make that leap of faith a little bit easier to take.

Remember, each New Year brings a wealth of opportunities and possibilities. All you need to do is take a deep breath and leap forward with an open heart and an open mind. Use this New Year to face your fears, embrace change, and script a spectacular story of personal growth.

Good luck, and here’s to a year of courage and positive change!

Living Large: Expanding Your Comfort Zone as You Start the New Year Right

As we bid farewell to one year and welcome the next, it’s the perfect time to step out of your comfort zone. That imaginary circle of safety you’ve built around yourself? It’s high time we expanded it. Living large is all about embracing the unfamiliar and the unexpected. It’s about daring to do things differently, to rise above the everyday, and to truly realize your potential.

Why is it important, you may ask? Well, pushing your boundaries serves as a catalyst for personal growth. It stimulates creativity, resilience, and can lead to significant accomplishments. What a marvellous way to begin a fresh year, wouldn’t you agree?

Let’s explore a few ways to expand your comfort zone and embrace the opportunities that the new year brings:

Tackle Something New: Pick up a new hobby, learn a new language, or even switch up your fitness routine. Trying new things can be exhilarating and, quite often, an exciting route to self-improvement.
Face A Fear: Fear is natural, but don’t let it limit you. Whether it’s a fear of public speaking or adventure sports, gently challenge yourself to confront these fears piece by piece.
Learn From Others: Surround yourself with people who inspire you. Their unique perspectives and experiences can nudge you towards new adventures and insights.
Adopt A Growth Mindset: Instead of seeing challenges as obstacles, view them as stepping stones to development. Nourish a mentality that thrives on learning, not on perfection.

Remember, the aim is not to make yourself uncomfortable, but to broaden the spectrum of what feels possible. So, as the New Year dawns, let the spirit of courage guide you towards living large. Carry this feeling with you throughout the year, and watch as you surpass what you thought were your limits.

Exciting, isn’t it? As author Neale Donald Walsch says,

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” So why not take the leap this New Year?

That’s a Wrap! Now You Know How to Start the New Year Right!

It’s time to put a ribbon on what you’ve learned. You now have the blueprint to kick start the New Year with success, gusto, and determination. From setting practical, meaningful goals, maintaining a positive mindset, to managing your time efficiently and tracking your progress, we’ve covered all the bases. But remember, knowledge is only the first step. Now it’s time for implementation!

Let’s revisit a few key points:

Set a strong foundation: Your journey into the New Year should begin with setting well-defined, achievable goals. Remember, your goals should be SMART – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound.
Nurture Positivity: Bolstering a positive mindset allows you to face challenges head-on and keep your focus on the endgame, no matter how big the hurdles seem.
Manage time wisely: Wield the power of time management to ensure you’re utilizing every precious minute of your day effectively.
Monitor progress: Regularly keeping tabs on your progress will allow you to stay motivated, make necessary tweaks, and, most importantly, celebrate the little milestones along the way.

Above all, remember: your journey into the New Year is unique. No two paths are the same, and comparisons will only lead to unnecessary roadblocks. So, embrace your journey, your speed, and your accomplishments. Your New Year success story is yours to write and yours to tell.

As you prepare to make this New Year your year, do not forget the unyielding power of a can-do attitude, visualize your success frequently and say ‘no’ when necessary. Above all, seize the day, take a leap of faith, step out of your comfort zone and embrace change.

Put these strategies into action, and there will be no stopping you from starting the New Year off right and making progress towards your personal and professional aspirations. The turning of a new year always brings a fresh start; it’s what you do with that start that counts. Remember, every step forward, no matter how small, is a step closer to your goals.

You are capable. You are powerful. You have everything you need to make this New Year your best one yet. Believe in yourself, stay committed, and watch as you transform your dreams into reality.

Now, go shine. Here’s to a successful journey into the New Year!

How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

Build a Great Relationship, Build Confidence

Sometimes, you must face the inevitable point when it’s time to end the relationship you’d hoped would be your last.

You went into this relationship thinking he was the one, but then the attraction faded, and lust didn’t turn into love as you’d hoped. After two to three years, you see him for who he really is and it’s not a perfect match after all.

Sometimes, it’s not a lack of attraction or chemistry, but a misalignment of goals, cheating, or simply falling out of love. Regardless of the reason, there’s a right and wrong way to end the relationship and move on in a healthy way.

You owe it to one another, and to yourselves to end the relationship the right way. Before we go there, however, allow me to share a few reasons why a relationship should end.

What You’ll Find Here

Why You Should End the Relationship

How to End the Relationship

Ending the Relationship with Style and Grace

Why You Should End the Relationship

You Have No Emotional Connection

When you have an emotional connection with your partner, you feel safe sharing your vulnerability with him. You can easily discuss anything, or mostly anything with him because he’s your emotional rock. He will be there to pick up the pieces. He’ll hold you up when you feel like falling down. You both provide strength for each other.

But if the spark disappears, this connection often goes with it.

The two of you engaged in friendly banter and enjoyed one another’s company, but now, even that feels strained. This is that emotional connection sizzling away. You no longer engage in meaningful conversation about anything. Being alone together just feels hard and is full of empty silence, fidgeting, and finally empty conversation to fill the void.

End the Relationship When You Don’t Feel Sexually Attracted

Sexual attraction can vary in a relationship, depending on what else is going on in your life. It’s natural, but if you find it difficult to come out of a low attraction phase, it might be a sign that things aren’t working anymore, but it’s not definitive.

Think back to when the two of you first had sex. How does that memory make you feel today? If these memories make you smile and have fond memories, all may not be lost. You’re probably still sexually attracted to him but there’s something else going on.

Then again, if you’re just not attracted to him anymore, it’s probably time to end the relationship and move on. When there’s no sexual interest between you, it’s a sign that the relationship is unhealthy and headed toward demise.

Someone Else Holds Your Interest

While you’re with him now, your heart flutters over someone else, or at least the idea of someone else. Maybe it’s a guy you’ve seen and briefly chatted with at the gym, a coworker, or a friend of a friend. Regardless of who it is, it’s not your current partner.

It’s okay to fantasize about other men, as long as it doesn’t steal your attention and affection for your partner. Fantasies become problematic when they invade that relationship space. When you’re in bed with your guy, he should be the one you’re thinking of, so if he isn’t, you know it’s time.

End the Relationship When You’re Being Asked to Change Who You Are

When someone loves you, they love you for who you are right now. He accepts your flaws, and probably even loves you for them. He doesn’t even see the nose you wish you’d had redone years ago. No. I take that back, he sees it and can’t imagine why you’d want to change it.

But when someone berates you into getting into better shape or finding a better job, it’s time to consider whether this is right for you.

Asking someone to use less salt when they cook or to avoid eating the peanuts that will surely send you to the ER is okay. That isn’t changing who you are fundamentally.

But when someone tells you that you’re not good enough for them the way you are, that’s on them. If you want to lose twenty pounds, go for it, but do it because you want to do it to improve your health or burn off stress.

He’s Supportive When Things are Good

Tanya and Brent had been together for several years. They’d recently purchased a house together and seemed to be a great couple. Then, Tanya got a new boss at work and he was a tyrant. On top of his poor managerial skills, he was new to the company and many of the things he railed at Tanya about weren’t correct.

Tanya came home from work stressed to the max. She wanted a hot bath, a margarita, and some candles so she could decompress. She expected that Brent would be her rock.

Instead, Brent sought out someone new. Not two days before, they appeared to everyone to be a happy, loving couple. If they arrived somewhere separately, he followed her home, pumped gas for her, and was there for her, but as soon as the sh*t came down, he sought out a new relationship.

Your guy should be supportive of you when things are good and when they’re bad. If you hit a rough patch in your life, a loving partner wants to help in whatever way he can. If it’s bringing you a new margarita while you cry in the bathtub, so be it. He’s there with a new salted glass full of margarita.

When he’s only there to share the good times but disappears or checks out when things are at a low point, it’s time to consider ending things.

You May Need to End the Relationship When Trust is Broken

I say you may need to end the relationship because it is possible for a couple to overcome a loss of trust, often caused by an affair. The catch is that you must both agree to do some couples therapy to get there. Only a professional can guide you through rebuilding your trust as nobody else can.

Trust is essential to any healthy relationship and when it’s gone, everything else fades away with it. You feel unloved, unsupported, unheard, unnoticed, and many other things.

Trust isn’t just broken with affairs. It’s also broken when promises aren’t kept. He promised to move closer in six months, but nine months have passed, and he isn’t even trying to do what needs to be done so he can make that move.

He promised to attend your big family event but bailed again at the last minute.

Maybe he promised to take you on a big vacation or to move in with you, but delay after delay keeps it from happening.

You can only make and break so many promises before all trust is broken.

End the Relationship When He Wiggles Out of Every One of Your Family Commitments

Your guy doesn’t have to like your sister to attend her birthday party. He’s there for you, not her. He’s there to be your support system and your friend.

If your friends and family question the mere existence of your guy, you may have a problem. Hanging out with one another’s friends and family is part of being in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if his mother always compares you to his other girlfriends, tough it out and be there for him. Of course, in that instance, you have every right to ask him to talk to her, but that’s a different problem.

The point is that when you’re a couple, you suffer through friend and family events for the greater good of your relationship.

The caveat is that this is reciprocal. If you want him to come to your stuff, you need to go to his too.

You Can’t Express Your Needs without Negative Fallout

You should never feel guilty for needing something, nor should you be berated for it or told you’re crazy. Everyone has their moments when, no matter what it is, you have a need to be met.

If we go back to Tanya and Brent for a moment, Tanya needed support. She didn’t want anything from Brent other than for him to be there with another margarita when she needed it, to turn on the hot water again, or to bring in new candles when the old ones burned out. She had a need to feel heard, loved, and supported. Instead, he found someone who wasn’t going through a difficult time in her life.

When you’re there for someone, you’re there. He shouldn’t be telling you how dumb it is for you to want to be there for your mother as she goes through something difficult. He should be there to support you when you find out your childhood dog died.

But sometimes, people are so wrapped up in their own stuff that they can’t see the needs of others. If it’s temporary, fine, but if it’s an ongoing problem, it’s probably time to end the relationship.

End the Relationship if He’s Hiding You

A man who won’t take you to meet his friends and family after a reasonable amount of time together is a man who’s hiding something from you.

When a guy is in love, he wants to show her off to the important people in his life, like his mother, or a favorite sister or friend. He wants his buddies to meet you because he’s proud to have you in his life.

He isn’t afraid to post photos of you together on social media, or even to take them with his phone.

A man who avoids introducing you to important people may be having an affair with you as the extra in his drama. This is a no-win situation for you because even if he eventually leaves that other relationship, you’ll be faced with a natural trust issue. If he did this to someone else with you, what’s to keep him from doing the same to you?

You Aren’t You Around Him

The best thing you can do for any relationship is to be yourself right from the beginning, but most of us aren’t. In my book, The Social Tigress, there’s a chapter on branding yourself and while this may sound harsh, we all do it.

When you’re single and you go out with your girlfriends, you pay very close attention to what you wear, how your hair is styled, and what you do with your makeup. You’re marketing yourself even if you don’t realize it.

If you create an online profile on a dating site or app, you’re marketing yourself.

In these marketing efforts, we all put our best foot forward. Only the best photos of you go on the profile, right? Of course.

But once you meet someone, you need to allow the real you to shine through. Sure, he may have initially been attracted to how you look, but men aren’t so superficial that they only go for looks. That might get him to say “Hello”, but it doesn’t get to eventually saying, “Goodnight.”

The problem comes into play when you can’t be yourself, either because he tries to stifle who you are or because you’ve shown him such a different version of yourself, and stuck to it, that now you can’t be the real you for fear of losing him.

In any case, he isn’t in love with you, he’s in love with the version of you that either he wants or you’re showing him, not the real you.

End the Relationship When You Both Talk About a Hypothetical Better Time Ahead

Your relationship shouldn’t be about waiting for the good times to come. You shouldn’t be waiting for the relationship to get better when some future milestone is hit.

He’ll appreciate me more once I can cook better.

We’ll have a better connection when we live together.

He’ll be more open with his feelings when we’ve been together for another six months.

You’re waiting for him to change, but he is who he is and there isn’t a thing you can do about it. Yes, people can change, but that doesn’t mean they want or intend to.

Instead of waiting for your relationship to be ideal in the future, look at what you have now. Can you live with things the way they are? If he’s not meeting your needs now, that perceived milestone in the future might not change a thing.

Your Goals are Different

A couple who wants to be together for the long haul should have shared goals. Not every goal should be shared, but the big ones are important.

For example, if he wants to travel the world but you want to advance your career, your goals are misaligned in such a way that it won’t work unless you negotiate the timing. You may agree to travel the world with him, but at a slower pace than he had in mind. If he’s agreeable, it might work, but if he wants to take two years off before making his big career move and you don’t, it may be time to end the relationship.

Sharing goals brings more intimacy to your relationship. When you’re doing things together, you’re developing memories and drawing nearer to one another. Intimacy isn’t just about sex, it’s about those shared moments that you’ll always remember.

How to End the Relationship

Now that you know some reasons for ending the relationship, let’s examine how you can end the relationship with style and respect.

Prepare Ahead of Time

Plan what you’ll say before you meet up with your guy. Don’t just decide to wing it. I know it’s a nervous time, but you’ll be less nervous if you practice a bit. Get a friend to help or practice in front of a mirror. Get your speech down and be prepared for his reaction.

Understand at the same time, however, that you cannot control his reaction. Trying to word things in a way that won’t upset him is futile. All you can do is remember to be kind, not to dump all the blame on him, and to be respectful of his need to speak.

End The Relationship Face-to-Face

Of course, it’s more comfortable to send a text or email telling him it’s over, but this is the chicken sh*t way out. Please don’t do this to anyone. He has time and emotions tied to the relationship too, and he deserves for the end to be a one-on-one conversation.

The exception to this rule is if there is physical abuse involved. In that instant, you’re running, not conversing. Otherwise, have enough respect for what the two of you shared to end it in person.

Choose the Right Place

Don’t end your relationship at your place or his but choose somewhere comfortable for both of you. It might be someplace public but somewhat secluded, like a park or a cozy coffee shop.

If you’re worried about him blowing his stack, in public is definitely a good idea, but if you think he’ll be calm about it, give him the courtesy of privacy when you end it.

End the Relationship and Be Respectful

One person is never the only responsible party in a breakup. You both have your roles. So, be respectful of him, and don’t dump this all on him. Own your part too and make sure not to make it a bashing session.

Respect also means being honest. Again, this doesn’t mean reciting every single thing he did to upset you but don’t lie either. Be general.

“Gee Brad, I think we just grew apart.” Or “You know, Jim, I think we just want different things now.”

This way, you’re ending it, but you’re not dumping on him, which would be unfair.

Heart,Drawn,On,The,Beach,Sand,Being,Washed,Away,By

Make it a Clean Break

When you see he’s upset, you might try to mitigate that with some soothers like, “But we can still be friends” or “Let’s just see if time apart helps.”

If you don’t see a future for the two of you, this is unfair. I know you’re trying to make him feel better, but he’s still going to get hurt. It’ll just take longer.

It’s okay to be friends after a breakup but give him time to process the breakup first. Let him find his own way out of the situation and then reach back out, maybe in a few months.

End the Relationship but Avoid Arguing

Since you know this is coming and he probably doesn’t, he may be defensive at first and this can often lead to an argument. He may be angry and want to argue with you out of spite, or he’ll be blindsided and want to argue that you shouldn’t break up.

Either way, once your conversation devolves into an argument, it’s time to go. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by arguing with him.

You don’t need to be mean about it, but simply tell him you think it’s time for you to go, “Jim, I’d like to leave us on a happy note, so I’m going to leave before we start saying things we’ll regret.”

He may try to continue the argument by phone, text, or email. In that case, block him for a while, at least until his anger subsides. It’s very difficult to have an argument if you’re the only one arguing.

He’ll soon settle down and it’ll end.

Don’t Let Him Talk You Out of It

If he didn’t see it coming and is still in love with you, he may try to talk you into staying. If you have good reasons for leaving, don’t allow this to happen.

You’ll come to the same ending eventually and the hurt will be that much deeper.

It’s a normal reaction for the other person to beg you to stay. He’ll make promises like:

I’ll be better about pitching in around the house
If I try, I know I can stop belittling you around your friends and family
I know I can be a little cranky, but I’ll work on it, I promise

If he wants to make those changes, great, but let him work on those things by himself. If you did have something before and you aren’t interested in anyone else, he may indeed come to you in a few months a new and better man.

But those types of changes are best done when you’re single.

End the Relationship but Be Empathetic

While breaking up might be a relief to you, he may be deeply saddened. Try not to glory in your happiness while he’s down. If you’re happy, fine, but be empathetic to what he’s feeling at that moment.

It’s never nice to dismiss or ignore someone’s feelings, even if you don’t want to date him anymore. You can soften the blow by reminding him of something good like, “Before I met you, I didn’t even know how to boil pasta. You taught me so much and I’m grateful.”

Final Words on How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

Even though you’re the one ending it, your body will have a physiological and emotional response. Your mind is addicted to being in love, so it’ll play tricks on you to try to get you back out there faster than you should be.

Give yourself time to grieve the relationship and time to heal. Relationships change who you are. You learn new things, but you may give up some things too, like a hobby you enjoyed or participating in a sport you enjoy.

Sometimes, you even give up friendships in lieu of more time with your boyfriend. It’s time to revive all of those things and rejoin life. Doing so will help you find who you are again, and it will also help you through the grieving process.

I have a book that explains the nine stages of grieving a relationship, whether you initiated the breakup or not. It also helps you prepare yourself for a new relationship. It’s linked just below!

When you end the relationship in a classy way, you have no regrets and you leave your ex-partner with a better chance of moving forward in a healthy way too.

If you're ready to move on from this relationship, you're ready for He's Gone, Now What? This book walks you through the many aspects of dealing with a breakup, even if you're the one who initiated the breakup. Regardless of who started it, as they say, your body becomes addicted to the chemicals associated with being in love. The withdrawal process is as daunting as the withdrawal from cocaine.

You'll also learn about the stages of grieving a relationship and how to begin moving forward. You'll walk through the steps of preparing yourself for dating again and gain an understanding of how you can do so in a healthy, happy relationship.

You can learn more about the book here or you can purchase it by clicking one of the buttons below.

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