Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 2: Winning!

I have been answering all your emails, every day, and the subject of “understanding men” from a man’s point of view seems to be what resonates the most. Even the podcasts and video summits that I have been asked to do with Lorna Poole, Suzanne Oshima and, coming in May, Dr. Allen Darbonne are about my strategies to understand and get what a woman desires from men.

Everyone  who hears about these strategies is amazed!

On February 24th I blogged about the 12 DNA ingredients that go into men. Do you remember them?

Today I want to talk about the 1st ingredient – Winning, and why winning is so important to men as they progress through their lives. Guys are taught to win at everything very early. My Dad slapped skates on me when I was 3, skis when I was 3 ½, and said, “Kid, get out there and show the world what you can do!”

I fell down, peed myself and cried!

That said, I quickly learned that beating my peers was an important thing. Winning was good and losing, well, was for losers. Right or wrong this is how I, and my counterparts, were brought up. Today, very little has changed!

If you understand that a man needs to win and you accept this first principle, you have a huge clue into what makes us tick and how you can make it work for you.

For example, you want to choose a winner in life to date and pass on the losers. Sounds simple and obvious but most women choose losers and try to fix them – big mistake. Losers haven’t completed their quest to “manhood” and are not ready to love even though they will lead you to believe otherwise.

While dating a winner, you can present things to him that keeps him winning as this keeps him happy. If he is happy, you are going to be happy too, right? Yes! So if your goal is to get him to paint the rest of the house after he just painted the master bedroom, which statement would work to your advantage?

1) ”Will you please finish what you started for once? I have the furniture being delivered on Friday and all you care about is watching the f**** Miami game!”


2) “Honey, the master looks awesome! If I make the popcorn and put you down for a massage can we crank out the other rooms?”

The answer is obvious. The second scenario turns him into a winner! He gets complimented, gets popcorn and a massage!!! Now he is highly motivated to take on the rest of the project. You win also because you are getting what you want. This works because now you understand how a man ticks and you are using it to your advantage!

But, you would be surprised how many women will answer like #1. Now her man gets placed in the loser category and has absolutely no motivation to finish his painting. Why would he? Furthermore, contempt gets built up and the relationship slowly starts to rust away.

See how this works? I can take ANY scenario, pick from the DNA tree (or the conveyor belt to manhood as I like to call it), and solve your problems that you have with men and now you can start to also!!

Next week, we will talk about DNA Imprint #2 – Competition!

Gregg Michaelsen

Gregg Michaelsen

Gregg feels that coaching has chosen him. He grew up just as many others – in a dysfunctional, but loving family. After going through twelve years of his own failed relationships, he decided to try and decode dating for men and women. That elusive older couple sitting in the park holding hands gave him hope!

Gregg began his journey into understanding the mistakes we make in dating and how to fix them by interviewing thousands of people – happy couples, unhappy couples, singles looking for ‘the one’ and everyone in between. He reviewed his own dating experiences and combined all of this information into his series of dating advice books for men and women.

Gregg Michaelsen
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  1. Thomasina  April 21, 2017

    Read your book about on line dating. I’ve been talking with a gentleman of two years and there has always been something come up on both sides when we’ve made plans to meet. We both has told each other our hearts are getting fonder of each other but because of the distance…I’m n California and he is n Philly there has been no commitment. We don’t talk much but when we do its very direct and profound. I want to really love this man but because we don’t communicate regularly I try hard to protect my heart. Let say from the start he made it very clear he did not want a long distance relationship and as time went on ..I agree..he has ask me to come to. Philly..stay couple of month’s..he would adapt because he feels I’m not going to change…controlling…not really but I’m a Virgo and that comes with the territory. He says he will take care of me and in 2 years when he retires from UPS he would be willing to relocate. I am 65 and he is 64.
    So we call our bond…Friendshiphearts…it WORKS and we …well let me say I..go through disagreements. 2 years …2 total hip surgeries..great support..I loss 40 plus pounds from his positive energy and he says he believe he would marry me one day. My biggest concern is that our communcation is so slim but profound as I said …however I understand its the most important part of a relationship. He was married once for 23 years and so was I for 35 years. Both have two grown children.
    He work 4 days a week 12 hour shifts and we have a 3 hour time difference. When I’m up and ready to operate for my day he is going to bed for his night shift. Sundays or 3 30 morning calls are what we get.
    We have phone sex and have discussed sharing a checking and savmgs account to always have funds for flying if and when we decide to become exclusive…if at all..sound like doubt…sometimes..more like not getting my hopes up for a let down. People n my space all know of him even other men I date occasionally. Does he date or have a woman there. Honestly we never speak on it because we both n the beginning also said trust was important as well as loyalty. Yes he knows I sometime date..he don’t say not too but I know he doesn’t approve. I don’t ask him because what u don’t know won’t hurt you and if he did not have other woman admiring him why would I want him.
    To the point…how do or what do I do to have this man get on a white horse and come clear across the state’s to get me. Fairytale..yeah but I’m worth it. Plenty of value and intellect. I am a real estate broker..BA n psychology and financial literacy instructor at a local junior college. Own my own house free and clear and one year left on my car payments. I have substantial amount of money n the bank and yes can take care of myself. He knows of my career status but nothing else. I’m not saying this to brag but I think if u know a little about my background u may b able to see the picture.
    I love to write as well…he loves his space…we compromise so when he takes his spaces he let me write…stories…books and we then discuss them when we talk. And amazingly he is always able to get the meat of what I have written.
    He smart and witty…tall dark and handsome from Trinidad. Love the accent. Smooth charmer
    Please advise me on what u thing I should do. I have not had sex in the past 3 years because I want to share my body with the partner I would like to compete my God giiven journey with. Thanks


    • Gregg Michaelsen  April 21, 2017

      Hi Thomasina,
      Great story, thank you for sharing it. I gleam that you have not met yet? If this is the case then, to me, you must get together SOON before anything else happens. Do not share a bank account – you still don’t know who he is until you have met. It’s not that I don’t think he is a great guy, he may be, but I have heard and dealt with TOO many horror stories of LDR’s.
      There is no reason why one of you can’t join the other or meet half way. You don’t want a pen pal you want a relationship!
      That said, I am impressed with your story…you have a great one and you deserve a great, local, guy 🙂
      Pressure him to fly out and meet you at his expense ASAP. If he doesn’t, then he is making excuses.
      Thanks soo much for commenting on my blog!

    • Concerned  April 21, 2017

      Hi Tomasina,
      You have been chatting with someone for two years and still have not met in person.
      He is from a country with high poverty.
      You are a woman with education and money and assets.
      I’m going to be real honest here and don’t want to hurt your feelings but you have got to see things clearly now.
      We all want to be loved and have someone special in our lives. But sometimes we want this so much that we fail to see things clearly. And I’m sorry,it’s happening with you.
      Why on Earth would he talk and suggest to share a bank account/savings account?!! Without ever even meeting each other!
      He is stringing you along! Playing with your heart and feelings to manipulate you open an account together and take your money!
      Please please see this for what it really is.
      It is a 100% that way.
      He is such a loser to use a person, make them have hope and fall in love with them to then convince them to an account to take their money!
      Please be careful! Who knows who this guy is and what he could do to you. Don’t give him anymore private info about yourself and get yourself out of that mess!!
      I’m telling you. This is not a good guy… Run!
      Gregg, I wish you could have been more straight with her. You, me and anyone else who reads this will see that the guy is after her money.
      Maybe my words are harsh as she is falling for this guy. But this is a dangerous situation for her.
      I wish you could give her more of a warning About this!

      Just keep dating other guys like you are doing, not online, and eventually a good honest guy will come along and love you for real!
      Good luck

    • Kirbie Earley
      Kirbie Earley  April 22, 2017


      Good Morning! I’m Coach Kirbie – I work with Gregg. I am going to come down somewhere in between Gregg and “Concerned” with what I am about to say. As a female just 10 or so years younger than you who has tried online dating, I can understand where you are coming from.

      I share Concerned’s hesitations about your man. Here is what we know:
      1. He comes across as a nice guy
      2. He wants you to believe he loves you
      3. He claims to live in Philadelphia and he claims he works for UPS
      4. He knows what to say to get your heart to flutter
      5. Your conversations are not frequent
      6. He wants a share of your money (shared account)
      7. He has a foreign accent
      Here is what we don’t know:
      1. Whether or not he really lives in Philadelphia
      2. Whether or not he really works for UPS
      3. Whether or not he really loves you
      4. Whether or not he truly is your “the one”
      5. If he really is the person he has sent photos of
      6. Whether or not he’s in this to get your money

      I don’t make assumptions on the things we don’t know. The one thing I do know is that you need to do one important thing as soon as possible. Run a background check on him. Gregg forgot to mention this in his comments and asked me to remember to do so in my comments. I whole-heartedly agree. I have been duped by an online man whom I did meet. He still sucked my money away 2 years into our relationship. Mine and other people in my family who bought into his lies.

      I know other people who work or have worked for UPS and I do know that they don’t allow people to transfer, so if he does work for them, he would not be able to move unless he either retired or got a job somewhere else. It’s the most ridiculous policy I’ve heard but it’s their company and it must be working for them. They either don’t mind losing good workers or they aren’t having a problem replacing them. Either way, that comment from him is one I can understand.

      When you run a background check, you will be sure to know if a person with his name even exists and if so, that he either does or does not live in Philadelphia. I’ve never had one done so I don’t know what else you could find out. A private investigator could probably unearth things like whether or not he works for UPS, etc. Yes, this is a bit of expense to go through, but it beats someone getting their hands on you or your money with unsavory intentions. I would also want to know whether or not he is a citizen, here illegally or on some sort of green card or work visa.

      I tend to be more skeptical of someone like this who hasn’t even made a move to meet you in 2 years. Maybe he’s not a scammer. But, if he isn’t a scammer then why hasn’t he worked really hard to meet you? I know you said plans have fallen through for both of you but you must ask yourself what is holding YOU back from making sure you meet him and what is holding HIM back?

      Until you run a background check or hire an investigator to find out more about him, I would hold off on meeting him and definitely setting up any sort of shared accounts. For my money, a shared account is between two people who share their lives by living together and sharing the expenses of living. Even then, I would only pour into a shared account the money you need to contribute to the living expenses. Keep the remainder of your money in a separate bank and separate bank account. I shared a bank account with a man once – we did live together. When we split up, I was amazed at how easy it was for ME to close the account without his input at all. He had no money in it, and in fact, he owed me $800 so even if he had, I wouldn’t have given him anything under $800. I had another account with that bank so I often wonder if that’s why it was so easy for me to do it.

      Gregg is right. You deserve a local man. Online and long distance relationships are ‘safe’. They allow us to avoid facing our fears of getting into relationships. I think the lack of a physical meeting between the two of you is a sign of something not being right – but it may not be that he’s a scammer. It may just be an issue of someone not being willing to face an unearthed fear regarding the situation.

      One more thing I want to say to you is this – if and when you do meet, you need to treat this as a first meeting, not a relationship which is 2 years old. THIS IS A NEW RELATIONSHIP. NO SEX. You are meeting for the first time. Regardless of the situation between you, you do NOT know who he is in “real life” until you meet. Early on in my divorced years, some 20 years ago, I met a man online and we clicked like crazy. We got along great, etc. When we met, maybe a month after meeting, it all fell flat. We weren’t attracted to one another as we had been while chatting online. We found that the things we had in common online didn’t pan out and carry through to meeting in person.

      What I’m trying to say is that you’re in love with the idea of who he is, not the real man. Avoid sex until you have met (as in he’s gone home and come back) several times. When he comes to visit, you should have a hotel room for him – he pays or you do – I don’t care but he doesn’t stay at your house. He stays somewhere else. Same with the next few visits. You date at that point as if he is local. You maybe go out for coffee in the morning then go your separate ways for a few hours. Have something to do or have a friend call you away. Maybe get together mid-afternoon and show him your city then have dinner. He goes home to the hotel. You go home to your house. Yes, it may seem like a waste of his trip BUT if he is a high value man and not a scammer, he will respect you for this and he will play by your boundaries and rules. This is what you are doing – you are setting up boundaries and rules. If you go visit him, same rules apply – get yourself a hotel room and don’t fall victim to spending an entire weekend together, 24/7. Have time together and time apart.

      It is only after you’ve been together several times (like 6 or more) that you consider having sex with him. I’d recommend you even avoid phone sex. That may be what he’s in it for now. Again, set boundaries that show him you respect yourself and he needs to do the same.

      I know you said you’re dating other men, but you are doing so with a mindset that this guy is “the one” and that clouds your judgement of the other men. I would encourage you to step back this thought process. He is just another man you’re interested in. You won’t know if he is the one until you have met multiple times (once might do it if he’s not) and you have spent actual time TOGETHER. Until that happens, I would like to see you change your mindset from I’ll marry him to he’s a great guy I talk to. When you’re so far over the moon for one man, dating others doesn’t matter.

      It’s like women who date married men. Yes, they date other men as well but they do so with the mindset that the married man will eventually leave his wife and they’ll be together – they are waiting for the dream relationship they think they have to materialize. Since only 4% of married men leave their wives, you can guess the odds of this happening. Meanwhile, these women pass by many high value men who could have made great partners for them if they hadn’t been viewing them through the lense of “the married guy is the one”.

      Please take care of yourself. You seem to be an intelligent, articulate woman and you have a lot going for you. In all honesty, you deserve a man who is nearby and can share time with you.

  2. Sarah  April 22, 2017

    I agree wholeheartedly with the concept of a man needing to be a winner. I’m a massive fan of Greggs books and pretty much credit my current relationship being so great to using his books, strategies and words of advice.

    It’s really not difficult either!, and the upside is not only him feeling great but you too!

    I got back to his from an appointment this morning just before lunch and he’d been out and bought my favourite sandwich from my favourite store for me. It didn’t take much for me to say “Omg, I was just craving one of those, you have such great ideas” and he was beaming from ear to ear. Not long after that he decided to do some work on my car and wash and polish it. “Wow, it’s gleaming, that looks great, so much better than the car wash guys do, thank you so much” He’s happy he’s made me happy and I’m happy (with a clean running car and a full stomach)

    We’ve been dating now for nearly 2 years, we love each other to bits and like I say I credit Greggs books with the current state and for showing me the light.
    Now all I need to do is approach the moving in question!


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