You may have dated for a while, or maybe he’s just a crush, but either way, you wonder why you can’t stop thinking about him and want to know how to stop obsessing over a guy.
If you’re going through a breakup and find yourself obsessing over your ex, consider yourself very normal. Studies show that as many as 75% of people experiencing a breakup feel like you do.
These lingering feelings can cause you to be obsessive, anxious, and to feel depressed. What can you do to stop obsessing over a guy? Let’s find out together!
What You’ll Find Here
Are You Obsessing?
WHY are You Obsessed?
End Your Social Connections
Stop Looking for Him Everywhere
Try to Avoid Triggers
Work on Yourself for a While
Recognize that You’re Addicted to These Thoughts
Don’t Give Energy to Those Thoughts
Focus Your Energy Elsewhere
Write Him a Letter
Seek Professional Help
First, Are You Obsessing?
Before we go too far, let’s first decide if you are obsessing over this guy. Do you find yourself:
- Stalking his social media?
- Driving by his work or hangouts to see if you spot him?
- Constantly thinking about him?
- Having difficulty focusing on anything else?
- Feeling a sense of longing for him?
- Having difficulty moving on?
If you answered yes to any of these, then you’re probably obsessing, and you need to learn how to stop obsessing over a guy!
WHY are You Obsessed?
There are several reasons why you are obsessing over him, and knowing why you’re behaving in this way will help you in your journey to stop.
You Never Saw Healthy Relationships
Many people never experienced a healthy relationship between their own parents and therefore don’t know what one looks like.
Instead, they perpetuate the same behaviors they grew up observing. This isn’t your fault. Much of our upbringing and how we turn out as adults comes from the nurture side of the nurture/nature debate.
If your parents threw dishes, yelled and screamed at one another, or even threatened one another, it’s what you consider to be normal.
Also, if you were raised by one parent, you didn’t experience what a normal adult partnership looks like, so you have no point of reference.
Your Parents Lacked Confidence
Children raised by parents to lack confidence often lack confidence as well. Again, it’s a natural progression of how you were raised.
Every now and then, a child somehow pops out of a childhood like this and becomes a confident adult, but that’s rare. More often than not, a person realizes something is wrong and goes in search of answers, just like you have today.
This isn’t your fault either, but now that you’re aware of it, you can focus your attention on building your own confidence. I mentioned this above – great men are drawn to confident women. Your best relationship ever will come when you’re a confident woman who finds a confident man.
You Have Attachment Issues
There’s a trend here and it’s your childhood and what you experienced. Attachment issues often stem from problems in your childhood.
You may have experienced little to no love from one or both of your parents, or maybe you only felt loved when you were good.
When you experience obsession over someone who’s no longer in your life, you may have anxiety attachment.
You push away and pull in relationships to alleviate your anxiety. Either you’re anxious because you aren’t in a relationship or the relationship is making you anxious. When the relationship ends, you panic.
You’re a Relationship Addict
When you’re addicted to relationships, you experience highs and lows, like a drug addict might.
Your body becomes addicted to the hormones produced when you’re in love, so there’s that, but there’s also just an addiction to feeling the high of things being great.
Then, when the relationship dips or you argue with one another, you feel like you can barely put one foot in front of the other. Leaving the house seems like an absolute heck no.
Finally, thoughts about this person may distract you from every other part of your life, like sleeping, eating, working, or attending class. Everything else is set aside over the addiction.
You May Fear Rejection
Nobody wants to be rejected, but some people experience a fear of rejection on a level that’s not normal or healthy.
Again, big surprise, this comes from issues in your childhood. One or both of your parents or someone else important to you may have left, either by choice or death. You were left feeling abandoned, rejected.
Now you fear that anyone you get close to will reject or abandon you too, and when someone does leave, it sends you into a tailspin. Your obsession becomes trying to win them back – to be better so they’ll want you again.
Your Sense of Self was Destroyed in Childhood
Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse as a child will destroy your sense of self. It will probably lead you to experience low self-esteem, low self-worth, and low confidence as an adult.
You don’t believe you deserve happiness. You doubt you’re worthy of having someone love you and you don’t believe in your ability to have a happy successful relationship.
Being a victim becomes who you are, but it doesn’t need to be that way.
G. None of the Above
Sometimes, we just get a little crazy. It happens. If you can identify with one of the reasons above, I encourage you to seek professional help, but if you don’t, keep reading to discover how to stop obsessing over a guy.
Even if you do identify with the things above, much of what you’ll read below are good behaviors to add to your life anyway.
Stop Obsessing Over a Guy by Ending Your Social Connections
I know you find some sort of relief in stalking his social media right now. You can see that he’s not dating anyone else, or that he’s feeling miserable without you too.
But it’s time to stop.
Unfriend him. Unfollow him. Block him from your accounts.
While you’re finding some relief from your anxiety by checking in, it isn’t helping you move on. If you were a couple and now are broken up, it’s time to let him go. Even if you want him back and believe you might be able to get him back, the advice is the same.
And While You’re at It, Stop Looking for Him Anywhere Else
It’s time to go full-on no contact. He’s not in your life right now, so it’s time to stop driving by his office or the gym when you know he’ll be there. It’s time to remove his name and phone number from your phone, but not before you block him.
If you think you might want to get back together later, write his number down and give it to a trusted friend or hide it from yourself. You need to remove the ability to reach out to him in a weak moment.
You're a Survivor!
You might not feel like you can survive a breakup when it first happens, but if you look back in your life, you'll see that you've survived breakups before! This is a great article to help you, but there are others! Click the button below to check them out!
Try to Avoid Triggers so You can Stop Obsessing Over a Guy
A trigger is something that reminds you of him. It could be a shirt, an item in your home, a place where you went together, or even his friends.
These things only bring up memories that keep you stuck in this miserable place.
Box up his stuff if you have any of it. Put any of the gifts he gave you in a box and set it aside somewhere out of the way, like in your attic or crawl space. Avoid those hangouts and his friends.
Work on Yourself for a While
One of the best things you can do for yourself after a breakup is to take some time to work on yourself.
Your confidence is lower than it should be right now, so work on building your confidence for starters. Great men are attracted to confident women, and they avoid women who have low confidence.
Evaluate where you are in life right now and where you want to go. This is a great time to dream a little and set some goals for yourself. Do you want to travel? Are you happy with your job? Do you want to learn a new hobby, build muscle, or lose weight?
While you’re single, it’s a great time to get in touch with yourself and re-establish who you are and what you want.
Recognize That You’re Addicted to These Thoughts
When you think about it, obsessing over someone is like an addiction. You’re getting a high out of imagining your life back with him. You keep thinking about your relationship with him and how much you want him back.
What if your former addiction was cocaine or heroin? Would you think it was okay to think about how great your life was while you were using? Of course not.
Both are unhealthy relationships that have been severed, for the better.
These are thoughts. They aren’t your reality and distinguishing between the two is crucial to learning how to stop obsessing over a guy.
You’re romanticizing him. You see only what you think was good and you’re ignoring what was not good.
Stop Obsessing Over a Guy by Not Giving Energy to These Thoughts
You think about him so you call your bestie and start talking about him with her. All you’re doing is feeding your addiction to these thoughts. You aren’t helping yourself at all.
Additionally, avoid people who gain from your addiction. You aren’t the only person who has an addictive nature and others who do will feed off of what you’re sharing.
It may be time to chuck a few friends from your life if this description fits them. They aren’t adding anything positive to your life, but are helping you stay down. It might be unintentional, but if you want to end the obsessive behavior, you need different friends.
Focus Your Energy Elsewhere
My guess is that you aren’t working on any hobbies, you don’t volunteer anywhere, or have anything you’re passionate about. Am I right?
How do I know this?
Because if you did have any of those things going on in your life, you’d have less time to obsess.
Hobbies, passions, and serving others are all great ways to distract yourself from things you want to avoid. It takes your mind, which has nothing else to focus on besides your obsession, and it dips it into something interesting.
Stop Obsessing Over a Guy by Practicing Self-Care
Show yourself you’re worthy of love by spending time on yourself for a while. Develop a self-care routine and stick with it.
This can not only divert your thoughts but help you overcome feelings of overwhelm and stress.
The Little Self-Care Handbook is a great way to get started! You can read more about it here or click one of the links below to buy it.
When you are mindful, you are focused on the here and now, not the past or future. This is a great tool for shifting unhealthy thoughts away.
When you find yourself wistful for this guy, look around you and find something beautiful. Maybe it’s out a window, or perhaps it’s a favorite photo on your wall. If you can’t find something beautiful, check for pleasant smells like flowers or even a favorite food like popcorn or steak.
The idea is to be more observant of your surroundings and focus your thoughts there. Appreciate what’s right in front of you at this very moment.
Stop Obsessing Over a Guy by Journaling
Getting your thoughts down on paper can sometimes help them wither away. It might be that you need to let go of negative feelings about him.
It’s also possible that you don’t really know why you’re obsessing over him, but if you allow your thoughts to flow freely from your mind onto the paper, you might discover things you didn’t realize.
Write Him a Letter
You may be stuck on something negative that happened between you, or something you’re ashamed of or embarrassed by that occurred in your relationship.
You may also just need to tell him goodbye in a more formal way.
A letter is a great tool for this. This isn’t a letter you’ll send. It’s a letter you’ll write and destroy. Sit down with pen and paper and let the letter flow out of you. Like journaling, just let the thoughts flow from mind to paper.
Be sure to include something about why the two of you can’t be together right now. Tell yourself (because this is for you), why the relationship is not good for you.
Once you’re satisfied that you have it all down, if you need to extend forgiveness to him, be sure to include that at the end. After the letter is complete, destroy it with a shredder or by burning it, safely of course.
Stop Obsessing Over a Guy by Seeking Professional Help
Sometimes, especially if you have an addictive personality or attachment issues, a professional will be the best tool for you to use.
Professionals are trained to recognize things you don’t see and they have the tools to give you that will help you move forward in a healthy way.
It’s no fun to be where you are, and somewhere down inside, you recognize this, which is why you searched and found this article today. Take some time to digest what you read here. Take my advice and get yourself a journal and start writing.
My best guess is that you’ll uncover a lot of useful information and you’ll be able to sort through some of this on your own, but don’t be afraid to seek professional help too!
Today you start taking care of you. If you don’t begin to take care of yourself, you won’t be 100% there to take care of those other important people in your life! Self-care isn’t the same as selfish. Self-care is essential for every single person, male or female, parent or not, laborer or white collar. None of that matters.
This self-love kit for women takes you through six types of self-care, providing you with essential steps toward including each type of self-care into your life.
Each type of self-care has specific steps and benefits to your overall well-being. You’ll gradually ease in to including each type of self-care in your life.
Inside the book is a link to download a free workbook and journal, featuring helpful worksheets to help you proceed through the self-care journey, as well as journal pages like yearly, monthly, weekly and daily calendars, trackers and other helpful pages. Your journey to feeling less overwhelm and more power in your life begins today!