A crush is like a double-edged sword. It can make you feel all the highs of love, yet when it’s not reciprocated, it can be devastating. Knowing how to get over a crush can help you move forward into a mutually enjoyable relationship with a new man.
Sometimes, a crush is on someone who is forbidden, like a married man or a college professor. Other times, your crush is available to you but either doesn’t feel the same about you or is oblivious to your feelings.
Regardless of why you’re crushing or on whom, it’s no fun to feel something for someone and not have them feel the same towards you.
So how can you get over a crush?
What You’ll Find Here
What is a crush?
Is it a crush or love?
Acknowledge your feelings
View Him in a more realistic way
Allow yourself to grieve
Don’t allow the feelings to overwhelm you
Talk to someone
Establish a positive relationship with yourself
Splurge a little on yourself
Go no contact
Realize you aren’t alone
Get and use a journal
Don’t seek a new crush
Create an environment that excludes your crush
Go on some dates
Seek professional help
The last word
Learn How to Get Over a Crush, But First, what is a Crush?
I think before we talk about how to get over a crush, we should get on the same page about what a crush is.
Crush: to experience an intense and usually passing infatuation,
So, of course, then I had to look up infatuation, so we’re on the same page there too.
Infatuation: a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something: strong and unreasoning attachment.
So, what I get from those Merriam-Webster definitions is this: a crush is intense and obsessively strong feelings for someone. These feelings can be reciprocated or unreciprocated, and crushes don’t go away when you’re fourteen. You can have a crush at any age.
Is it a Crush or Love?
The next question to consider before we move on to how to get over a crush is to determine whether you’re feeling love or you’re crushing on him.
What are the Feelings?
One of the easiest ways to distinguish between a crush and love is by how you feel. A crush is usually based on physical attraction. He’s hot, like George Clooney or Chris Hemsworth.
Love, on the other hand, is based on trust, understanding, and mutual attraction. Love grows with time while a crush happens the moment you see him.
Flaws? What Flaws?
When you’re crushing on a guy, you’re oblivious to his flaws. He’s absolutely perfect in your eyes. When you love someone, you see and accept their flaws. You love them regardless of whatever imperfections there may be.
When you have a crush on a guy, you place him on a pedestal – you idealize him. Since you don’t see his flaws, you imagine him as the perfect addition to your life. The problem with this is that you develop unrealistic expectations of what he can bring to your life.
Do You Have a Crush?
Answer each of these questions honestly:
- Do you know him?
- Was this feeling instant or gradual?
- Can you name five flaws he has right now?
- Do you have mention-itis? (i.e. do you talk about him all the time?)
- Do you imagine yourself in different scenarios with him?
- Do you become tongue-tied around him?
- Do you feel these things when you’re near him: excited, nervous, happy, and awkward?
If you don’t know him, it’s absolutely a crush. You can’t develop trust and mutual attraction with someone you don’t know. But, if you do know him, it might still be a crush. You need to answer more questions.
As you read above, a crush is also an instant feeling when you see someone, so if the feeling was instant, it’s a crush.
If you struggle to name five flaws he has, it’s a crush.
And for the last four questions, if you answer “Yes” to any of them, it’s a crush.
How to Get Over a Crush | Acknowledge Your Feelings
If you’re still reading, I assume you feel you have a crush on someone and now you want to know how to get over a crush.
The first thing to do is acknowledge how you feel. Don’t be ashamed of your feelings. You don’t have to shout it to the world, but at least acknowledge those feelings to yourself.
When you stuff feelings, whether good, like a crush, or bad, like shame or embarrassment, it’s not healthy. You deny yourself the process of working through them and letting them go.
A crush is a normal thing to experience, so stop feeling ashamed of yourself so you can find your way to ending the crush.
View Him in a More Realistic Way
We established above that when we crush on someone, we put them on a pedestal; we idealize them and fail to see their imperfections.
Stop and take a look at him. Even if he’s a celebrity and you don’t know much about him, you can still find flaws. Everyone has them.
Is he kind and respectful? If he is a celeb, is he generous with his time, energy, or money? Does he have a family or is he bed-hopping? You can find all this out with a few clicks of a mouse these days.
If he’s someone you know or someone in the periphery, you can still study him on social media or wherever you encounter him.
Again, nobody is perfect, but in your mind right now, he is, so look for his flaws and recognize that he’s human.
How to Get Over a Crush by Grieving
A crush that is not reciprocated comes with painful feelings which can include rejection and unrequited love. These feelings cause real pain, and you should allow yourself time to grieve the loss of this relationship, even if there never was a true relationship. In your mind, there was hope.
Spend some time looking back on times when you thought he might be returning your interest, any sparks you thought might have flown between you, or even just the dates you hoped he would ask you out on.
It’s okay to feel sad about what could have been, but…
Don’t Allow the Feelings to Overwhelm You
Feelings can be tricky. Some people stuff them down, which we already established is not healthy. Other people let their feelings overwhelm them and become unable to focus on anything else.
While I encourage you to acknowledge your feelings for this guy, I also can’t stress enough that you need to maintain control over your feelings.
And you do control them, whether you realize it or not.
Staying stuck in an infatuated state doesn’t allow you to heal and move forward to a healthy relationship with someone who will love you.
If you feel you’re stuck in some negative thoughts, there are a few strategies you can try.
Accept the Feelings and then Let Them Go
Imagine your feelings as if they’re a leaf floating down the stream. They slowly move toward you, but they don’t stay or even linger very long. They keep floating away, soon out of sight.
Feelings should be the same way. They sneak up on you, they linger for a while, then they float on by, allowing you to experience them and then let them go.
Set Them Aside Until You Can Properly Deal with Them
Sometimes, distressing feelings come at the most inopportune times, like when you’re about to give a presentation or your boss is waiting for you to finish something.
Mindfully set your feelings aside until later when you can explore them further. Sometimes it helps to keep a journal handy so you can write down your thoughts and dig into them more later.
Often, a distraction is just what you need to end a negative thought process. Find something fun to do. Call a friend and go window shopping. Go to the gym and work out. This not only takes your mind off of things, but it helps burn negative hormones that are causing stress and anxiety.
Just be careful to do something that will take your mind away from its present state. Going to a movie is a great idea, but reading a book might not be. Working with weights where you need to concentrate would be great, but walking on a treadmill where you don’t need to think wouldn’t help.
Get Over a Crush by Talking to Someone
Sometimes, it helps to talk it out with a trusted friend. If this person is a true friend, she will help you gain perspective on the situation.
If you aren’t comfortable talking to someone about it, write in a journal and make that the someone you talk to you.
The important thing is to verbalize what you’re feeling so you can better sort it out. Sometimes hearing yourself say something brings forward negatives about your crush and helps you get over him.
Establish a Positive Relationship with Yourself
Each person is their own best friend, but many times, that’s the first relationship we let go of, or it’s a very negative relationship.
Building a positive relationship with yourself includes things like changing negative self-talk to positive, setting goals and going after them, and taking care of yourself with a regular self-care routine.
When you do these things, you grow your confidence and make yourself desirable for a great man who will love you as much as you love him.
You're a Survivor!
You might not feel like you can survive a breakup when it first happens, but if you look back in your life, you'll see that you've survived breakups before! This is a great article to help you, but there are others! Click the button below to check them out!
How to Get Over a Crush by Splurging a Little on Yourself
While you’re building this new positive relationship with yourself, splurge a little. Update your look with a new wardrobe staple or get a new hairstyle. It doesn’t need to be something overly dramatic.
Other ways to splurge on yourself include developing a new workout routine or even hiring a personal trainer, taking yourself out to a fancy dinner, or even buying yourself some new silky sheets for the bed.
These things are a great reminder to you that you deserve nice things, and you don’t need a man in your life to have them. It’s a great boost to your self-esteem and self-worth.
Go No Contact
The no contact rule isn’t just a good tool for a breakup, it’s a good tool for getting over a crush. Right now, you probably check his social media accounts at least once a day, if not more, to see what he’s up to.
No. Seriously – stop.
Unfriend, unfollow, and block (if he contacts you) him from your social accounts. The ability to soothe your loneliness or sadness by checking his accounts isn’t helping you get over him.
Aside from this, social accounts perpetuate the fantasized version of him that you’ve developed. We don’t post the dumb things we do unless we’re able to laugh at them, so what you see from everyone is a polished view of their lives.
Get Over a Crush by Realizing You Aren’t Alone
People go through this very same thing every day. I know it might feel like you’re alone in a crowd of happy people who have all found their one person, but that’s not true. Deep down inside, you know this.
Whether you experience a breakup with someone you were dating or you’re recognizing the unlikelihood of your crush becoming more in your life, it’s something people experience and survive every day.
You can also look back in your past. Have you crushed on someone before? Many young teenage girls do. A handsome teacher or coach is often the object of many crushes during high school. You survived that and you can survive this too. Promise!
Get and Use a Journal
Journaling is an excellent way to dump feelings and examine your thoughts. By allowing yourself to freely write whatever comes to mind, you sometimes bring up things you didn’t even realize were lurking.
It’s a very healthy way to get your feelings out.
There are only two rules. The first is that you don’t judge your thoughts, either before or after you’ve put them down. The second is that once it’s down on paper, you can’t erase it. No regrets for spilling your guts.
Nobody needs to see your journal, so don’t worry about what you write.
Don’t Seek out a New Crush
This isn’t the time to decide that Donnie Wahlberg is hot stuff. A new crush isn’t a good substitute for an old one.
This is a great time to allow yourself to enjoy being single. Much of the work you can do to raise your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth is best done while you’re single.
Your goal during this process of learning how to get over a crush is to prepare yourself for a real relationship with a great guy.
Adding a new crush to the mix pushes you further away from that goal, not closer to it.
THIS is where the riding solo book block goes
Knowing how to not date a jerk includes embracing your single life and taking the time to become a confident, independent woman. Riding Solo, a book written specifically for women who want to do just that, walks you through overcoming the stigma of being single on to becoming that independent, confident woman. This places you in the best possible position to find and date wonderful, great men who are not jerks.
Get over a Crush by Creating a New Environment without Your Crush
If your crush is a celeb, it’s time to remove all posters, stickers, and other memorabilia that serves as a constant reminder. Even if your crush isn’t a celebrity, you may have things around your home that serve as a reminder.
It’s time to remove all that stuff.
If going to certain restaurants or other places reminds you of your crush, stay away from those places for a while, at least until you’re fully healed.
Also, it’s time for a new narrative about the relationship. You’ve fantasized about this guy long enough. Your narrative about him has included him as part of your life, but that’s not going to happen, at least not now, and it’s time for a new narrative.
It’s not uncommon to feel as if the world is closing in on you when you experience the end of a relationship, and that’s what this is, whether he knew you were in a relationship or not.
A great way to mitigate those feelings is to focus on what you have in your life to be grateful for, instead of what’s missing.
If you’ve already got a journal going, you can use a page here and there for gratitude. This is an excellent mental health exercise regardless of what’s going on in your life because it forces you to focus on the positives.
Get Over a Crush by Accepting Friendship
If you know your crush, friendship can be a good thing. It might not be a good thing right now, but once you’re feeling better, it might work for you both.
There is a warning signal, though. Don’t think of this friendship as a good alternative to the relationship you wish you could have. This mindset leaves you secretly hoping he’ll change his mind or that you’ll grow closer to one another over time.
While that’s a possibility, if it’s your reason for friendship, it’s the wrong reason.
If you can be friends with him, give that friendship its own merits. Value it for what it is, not what you wanted it to be. The friendship can’t be a consolation prize. It should be the win.
When You’re Ready, Go on Some Dates
Many people date in the wrong way. Dating is an exploration time. You shouldn’t go out on a first date with a guy and start planning your wedding.
Men don’t date like that.
Men date first to have fun. You’re mysterious to him and he’s intrigued. He wants to learn more about you, but not all at once, so share tidbits about your life over time. Don’t give him the entire story in one sitting. That kills the mystery right off.
Secondly, it’s okay to date more than one person at a time.
Think of dating like a funnel. You put a lot of men in at the top, or at first. As you date them, some of them are weeded out for an assortment of reasons. Maybe they find someone else, or there just isn’t any chemistry between you.
Keep dating, weeding out men until you get down to the one who’s lasted through. He’s the one you enjoy being with the most and probably the one you have the most in common with.
This dating and weeding-out process may take months and that’s how it should be. Take your time. Experience different types of men to see what you like and don’t like. Date types of men you’ve always sworn off before.
Keep the mystery alive by sharing small bits about yourself each time you get together. Do fun things on your dates like going hiking or exploring a nearby town.
These types of dates are better than dinner because the need to talk non-stop is not there for either of you. This means less sharing and more growth.
How to Get Over a Crush if None of This Helps
If you still feel like you can’t get over him, seek professional help. A professional can see things you won’t and has the right language and tools to help you overcome your feelings.
There is no shame in seeking professional help. It’s a great way to get unstuck and feel better.
The Last Word
There’s nothing wrong with having a crush and most people experience this at least once in their lives.
Most of the time, the feelings resolve themselves quickly and you don’t get stuck in them, but sometimes, you just can’t get that person out of your head.
Following these tips can help you redirect your thoughts and feelings into healthier activities and prepare you to find the great man you deserve.