If there is one question I get asked the most it is some version of this one: “Gregg, I have been dating this guy for 5 weeks, everything was going great, we were hot and heavy and Mark was telling me how much he liked me and we were even planning our future. Then he started to back off. His texts slowed down and his phone calls stopped all together. He says he has been really busy lately with his Job and family. I got sarcastic with him Monday and now I haven’t heard from him for 2 days. What do I do coach? – Jenn The first thing we need to do is understand what is happening here. Then, we will know what to do. Call it our DNA in action, genetics, or the tools God gave us – I don’t care, but it’s inside all men. Guys pursue women like it’s a sport. This is our offensive mode. Everything is there for us. The challenge of trying to win you over, the competition from other men, and even our testosterone cheering us on. Of course, you have a lot to do with this too. You are showing us all the right signs that you are worth the pursuit with your looks, your style and your confidence. All is good for a few weeks or maybe a few months. Then, something happens after a fairly short amount of time. We freak out! This is what is happening to Jenn, Mark is freaking out. The reason Mark is freaking out is because men also have a defensive mode inside them. It’s like a switch that goes off in our heads when we start see what is looming before us. Our defensive mode says:
- She is going to take all my money
- She is going to take away all my friends
- I will never be able to have sex with another woman again
She is going to take all my moneyIn my best seller, To Date a Man, You Must Understand a Man, you learned about the importance of money and status in a man’s life. This is our life’s blood. Take away these things and we lose our ability to provide.
How to counter this.Pitch in on dates. Offer to buy drinks here and there and show us your willingness to contribute. This is why your financials are so important, as I tell you in To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself. Even if the guy you are dating is rich, it doesn’t matter! Pitch in. This neutralizes our (granted silly) illusion of losing all our money.
She is going to take away all of my friendsAnother huge fear of ours. We see it all the time with our married buddies. They can’t go out anymore, no more trips, no more playing poker on Tuesdays and no more fun…all because of that woman!
How to counter thisYou have trust in your relationship, right? Then let him do things with his friends! Let him golf on Sunday mornings and go drinking with his buddies now and then. If you do, he will actually want to be with you more. Go out with your own friends and even do a weekend trip every now and then away from each other. This is exciting because you are allowed to miss your significant other.
I will never be able to have sex with another woman againThis is the controversial one! You’re wondering how I’m going to deal with this one, right? Again, I don’t make excuses for how we are, and I admit that I’m not always proud of how we are wired, but these are the facts. God built us to procreate with as many women as we can! Ouch.
How to counter thisYour goal is show us that we don’t need any other woman in our lives but you. This is done by providing us the competition and the mystery that we thrive on. Trick us into thinking that we are “still pursuing you” by staying one step ahead of us, not making us your hobby and joining your social network outside of ours on a regular basis. Add craziness in the bedroom and you have neutralized instinct #3! Remember, we are simple creatures, it does not take much more than this to keep us at your side forever. I also don’t care if it’s been 5 weeks or 10 years with your man – have these tactics in your toolbox ready to go when, and if, you need them. I say this because the old “midlife crisis” is the next example of our defenses kicking in so get ready for that too, and counter it with my advice above.
- Don’t take our money. Make us want to give you our money. We will if you show us that it’s not that important to you when you contribute.
- Don’t rob us of our friends. Instead, make us want to be with you and not them. Ironically, This is accomplished by letting us be with them! At the same time, spend time with your friends.
- Make us only want to be with you and no other woman. Provide us the competition and the mystery that we thrive on from time to time. Keep things exciting under the sheets!