Get Answers to these 10 Questions Before Moving in with Your Boyfriend
You’re here because you’ve started thinking that moving in with your boyfriend would be a great thing for your relationship. You’ve dated for a while now and you think he might be ‘the one’. Maybe he’s even sent you a few signals along the way to indicate he’s ready. Before we go there, I need to say one thing.
I don’t want to make your guy out to be a schmuck but let me explain one thing to you about men: a man will say and do just about anything to keep a woman and that includes moving in when he doesn’t want to or even buying an engagement ring for a woman he has no intention of marrying.
I say it often, I’m not always proud of my male counterparts. We can be a lazy bunch and it is easier to say or do anything to keep a woman than it is to go out and find another one who will put up with all of our idiosyncrasies.
You could have a good guy on your hands so let’s examine whether or not you should move in with your boyfriend. Consider this your “moving in with your boyfriend checklist.” Here are ten questions you should ask yourself, or your boyfriend before taking the dive.
Why Do You Want To Move In Together?
This is perhaps the most important question to ask. Unless you’re planning on sharing a home but not a bed, the answer should not be ‘to save money’. Moving in together is a big step in a relationship. It is a commitment and not to be taken lightly.
Be honest about your reasons. Do you want to advance your relationship to the next level? Are you hoping to learn whether or not you want to get married? Think long and hard about your true reasons for taking this step and then have a discussion with your guy.
You’re making, at the least, a 12-month commitment with a lease so you need to be sure you’re both doing this for the right reason.
“Uh, ummm I’m doing it because you said you wanted to” isn’t acceptable.
Do You Want The Same Things?
The first question you need to ask yourself before moving in with your boyfriend is whether or not you want the same things. What do you expect to be the outcome of moving in together? Do you want marriage? Do you want children? Or, are you just in the market for someone to live with, without expectations of marriage?
This is a question you must discuss with him, but not before you answer it for yourself. Be honest with yourself. Don’t answer in the way you think will get you closer to him. Know going in what you want out of your relationship with him.
Once you’ve figured that out, make sure you both want the same things. Each of you need to be honest with yourselves and one another.
How Will You Handle The Finances?
Before moving in together, you need to determine who will handle the finances. Will you put all of the utilities and lease in both names or one? Will you create a joint checking account or divide things up between you?
Money can become a great divider in a relationship if you don’t sort things out. One of you will feel like you’re carrying more of the burden than the other. Make sure you know what you can afford and look into all of the expenses ahead of time so nobody is blindsided.
Another thing to keep in mind where finances are concerned is to make sure you’re not getting involved with someone whose credit score is in the toilet. Yours should already be in good shape because you know how important I’ve said finances are in a relationship.
How Will You Divide The Chores?
Who hasn’t seen The Break-Up with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston? What is her number one issue with him, other than his obvious immaturity? He doesn’t help with anything around their apartment. While she slaves away, he plays video games and forgets to get the lemons.
While it’s funny when we see it on the big screen, this is the stuff that causes plates to go airborne and cabinet doors to become unhinged. It can be a huge friction point.
You probably both work so be reasonable about what to expect from one another. Try making the chores fun instead of drudgery. When you talk about this, you may find that he doesn’t mind doing the dishes if you cook or vice versa. Just have the talk.
Where Do You Both Need To Compromise?
In any relationship, compromise is a big deal. Up until now, your biggest compromises were where to eat dinner and which movie to see. Now that you’re thinking about moving in together, there will be a lot more areas in which compromise will be necessary.
I turn again to a movie, but an oldie. When Harry Met Sally, they had friends who ended up living together. If you’ve seen it, the wagon wheel table scene sticks in your mind for sure.
Billy Crystal losing his sh*t over a table is just classic!
Don’t let things get this far. Get a storage unit to store things you’re not quite ready to part with. Who has the couch you’ll use? Whose bed?
What of his are you willing to let in if he allows your entire shoe collection?
How Will You Handle Disagreements?
Now that you’ll be living together, you can’t each retreat to your own homes when you have a fight. You need to set up a plan ahead of time. I suggest that you each claim a space where you can retreat to cool off. If you’ve got the space available in the apartment, you can each choose a separate room to use.
Men need time after an argument to lick their wounds and you need time to cool your emotions. No productive conversation ever came out of highly emotional situations.
If you don’t have space in your apartment for both of you to retreat, make another plan like one of you will head out with friends, to the library, gym or spa. Give yourselves time and then sit down to discuss things calmly.
Are You Willing To Live With One Another’s Idiosyncrasies?
This is another biggie. You know there are things about him that bug you and I have no doubt there are things you do that drive him nuts. And these are the only things you know about!
What you need to determine now is whether or not you can live with those idiosyncrasies. If you can’t, you need to talk them through. There is nothing wrong with a conversation that starts out with, “Do you think you can set your phone aside during dinner?” or “I’d really appreciate it if you’d lower the toilet seat after you use it.”
I snore, so I get sent down the hall to sleep!
By the same token, when he asks you to change, you need to decide whether or not he’s worth you putting in the effort. Change happens because we want to change, not because someone wants us to.
Are You Both On The Same Page About What Clean Means?
If you’re a neat freak and he’s a Messy Marvin, you’re doomed for big arguments. Before you move in with your boyfriend, you need to determine what each of you thinks of as clean. This is another area where you both may need to compromise.
Be clear on what you define as clean and hear him out. If he’s OCD about having the kitchen counters clean, can you live with that? Can you struggle through a week of a dirty bathroom or does it need to be spot-cleaned? Does anyone have an allergy that needs to be addressed with cleaning?
When you each know what the other expects, there are no surprises. When all of his t-shirts are piled up at the end of the bed, remember that you agreed to step over them.
Moving In With Your Boyfriend | Cats or Dogs?
There are cat people. There are dog people and there are animal people. I don’t know why cat people and dog people can’t get along but, sadly, they can’t. You get together and you want to get a cute furry pet together. You’re thinking Yorkie, he’s thinking Siamese.
Discuss your pet preferences. This is an important thing to do before you get a place together anyway because if you want a dog or a cat, it will limit your options. Some places only allow dogs up to 35 or 40 pounds.
Know what you both want in this area and, if you do get a pet, who will take responsibility for what? Who’s buying food? Which one is paying the vet bills? Who’s walking and picking up Fido’s poo?
What Night Is Reserved For Date Night?
People often give up their date nights when they get married or move in together. This is a huge mistake. Just because you live together doesn’t mean you’re spending that much more time together, and the time you do spend is now spent on chores more often than not.
Set aside one night a week for a date night. This night is untouchable. You don’t schedule Zumba and he doesn’t go out with his buddies on this night. This is a technology-free night where you sit down and talk, like you did when you weren’t living together.
Issues of the house are off-limits on date night, as is arguing. This is a time to connect, share your week, make plans and just enjoy one another.
There You Have It – Your Moving in with Your Boyfriend Checklist of Questions
Please, please, do you self a favor and get these 10 questions answered before moving in with your boyfriend. If the two of you can sit down and talk through these 10, you’ll be well on your way to a successful experience.
The biggest thing you need to remember as you talk is that compromise will be necessary, from both of you.
Be honest with yourself and with one another and talk things through. If an argument erupts, stop the conversation and save it for another day. Don’t do this if you can’t agree on the topics above. They will ultimately be deal breakers.
Gregg began his journey into understanding the mistakes we make in dating and how to fix them by interviewing thousands of people – happy couples, unhappy couples, singles looking for ‘the one’ and everyone in between. He reviewed his own dating experiences and combined all of this information into his series of dating advice books for men and women.
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