WHY do I attract players? You now realize that you snagged another player and are disappointed in yourself and in him. Why does this keep happening? What can you do to attract someone nice for a change?
What You’ll Find Here
How Can You Spot a Player?
Why do I Attract Players?
The True Answer
Which Men are Players? How Can You Tell?
I think before you learn why you attract players, it’s important to know how to spot them. They’re not as difficult to detect if you know what to look for.
He’s Smooth…Really Smooth
A player has practiced his lines so many times that he has them down to a science. He knows just which lines will work on you and he delivers them with surgical precision.
The guy you want is the nervous guy who bungles his lines. He’s no player, but he’s interested enough in you to take a big risk!
He Listens
He’s chosen you because you look down on your luck and are vulnerable. He will listen to you for hours if he thinks sex might follow. He’ll tell you how much of a schmuck your ex was for letting you go, blah blah. While that might be true, his intentions are not honorable.
He’s Good Looking
Not all good-looking men are players, but nearly all players are good-looking. You would think that good looks would help a guy feel more confident, but it isn’t your looks that determine how confident you are or whether you’re emotionally unavailable.
It has more to do with your past than looks. Combine this with other signals to get a true reading.
He Suggests Sex and Has a Hard Time Taking No for an Answer
A player wants one of three things from you – sex, money, or status. Most often it’s sex, but if you appear to have money or he perceives that your status is higher than his, he may use you for those too.
A player wants to get this from you ASAP, so he’ll ask for sex on a first date. He might hang in for a second date if you don’t give him sex on a first date, but if you turn him down twice, he’ll move on.
As far as money and status go, he may stay in your life longer to continue reaping the benefits. Often, it’s you who’ll need to end things in that case.
He Love-Bombs You
A player will overdo the whole love thing and way too early. From the moment he meets you, he’s showering you with attention and soon after, love, but he doesn’t fall in love, so it’s fake! He also seems too good to be true.
That’s because he is. He’s too good and he’s not being honest with you. He will continue with this until you outlast your usefulness in his life. And make no mistake, he’s with you because you give him something he desires. Usually, that’s sex, money, or advanced status.
He’s There for the Sex but Nothing Else
A player isn’t interested in your day-to-day life unless there’s something in it for him. He’ll show up for sex, but if your cat is sick or you need help with a flat tire, he’s not your guy.
He’ll also show no real emotional attachment to you. He will seem aloof unless you’re talking about sex, or whatever he’s getting from you, then he’s all in.
He’s Not Future-Oriented
There’s no talk of a future with a player. If you try to get him to make a commitment, he’ll change the subject, be suddenly busy, or just leave entirely.
This guy is spending time with you to get something out of it for himself and that’s not a long-term relationship!
He Posts on Social Media – But Not About You
A player will be active on social media, but he won’t include anything about the time you spend together. He doesn’t want to be linked to you in any way.
He has no desire for his friends or family to know who he’s dating because he doesn’t want to answer to them about it. He doesn’t want people to meet you or for you to get into his life any more than necessary.
Your Relationship is Hot, then Cold, then Hot…
He’s either 100% into you or he’s nowhere to be found. One minute he makes you feel like you’re his one and only, then he doesn’t call or text for days.
This hot and cold is due to whether he needs something from you. Cold periods are probably due to him being with other women, or at least hunting for them. He always needs a backup because he knows he won’t stay with you for long.
Any Photos of You are on Snapchat
Photos on Snapchat are safe because they disappear after a while. Anything he does post about you will be there.
If he asks you to only post about him on Snapchat, it’s a sure thing that he’s a player.
Why do I Attract Players?
Now that you know how to detect a player, let’s examine why you attract them. Don’t worry, it’s fixable!
Look at Your Relationship Role Models
How you were raised has an impact on all of the areas of your life, but for some reason, people often ignore the effect it has on your ability to experience happy relationships.
If your parents were in an unhealthy relationship, even if they stayed together for 75 years, that’s what you’re comfortable with. I’m not saying your dad was a player. I’m just saying you don’t have an example of a healthy relationship as your basis.
Players are emotionally unavailable men. They lack confidence and gain pleasure from toying with the emotions of unsuspecting women.
They prey upon women who appear to have low confidence because a confident woman won’t fall for their games and would challenge them too much.
So the cue in those definitions as it may relate to your parents is if one or both of them were emotionally unavailable. It may seem as if your parents lacked an emotional connection to one another, or one was less available emotionally than the other.
That’s what’s comfortable for you. It’s familiar. It’s what you know.
You Were Raised by Someone Who was Emotionally Unavailable
This might sound like the last one, but we can take it in a different direction. If you were raised by someone who was emotionally unavailable, you might be trying to subconsciously fix that relationship. You repeat the dynamic, hoping for a different outcome.
When someone who’s emotionally unavailable raises children, those children often believe they don’t deserve love because the one person who should have given it to them didn’t. The child is left thinking they did something wrong.
Finally, if you were raised in this type of environment, you may think nobody can meet your needs. You’re too difficult to love. It’s different from believing you don’t deserve love, but the result is the same.
The Story of James
James is an emotionally unavailable man. He believes he’s too difficult to love and will outwardly tell women that. But his belief is founded in a lie. He thinks he wants to live a more alternative lifestyle, thus making him harder to love.
The truth is that James is using this desire for an alternative lifestyle to keep women away. If he’s difficult to love, he doesn’t need to invest in anyone because they’ll never fill the bill.
Heaven help the woman who tries to prove to him that he is lovable.
The end result is that he’ll just drag his feet in advancing the relationship. He’s paralyzed at the thought of needing to build an intimate relationship and he stalls out. Any girlfriends he finds finally give up, sad and disappointed, not fully understanding why he is the way he is.
Are You in a Healthy Relationship?
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You are also Emotionally Unavailable
Likes attract likes, so if you’re drawing in emotionally unavailable men, it’s possible that those men are a perfect fit for you because you too are emotionally unavailable.
By attracting someone who is also emotionally unavailable, you’re in no danger of making a commitment. It’s safe.
This again goes back to being raised by someone who was also emotionally unavailable. It’s what you know. Being emotionally unavailable fits like a glove and is comfortable.
It’s also possible you fear you’ll lose your identity in a relationship. If you had one parent who was overbearing, you might fear getting sucked into the same type of relationship. If you stay unavailable emotionally, you have nothing to worry about.
Why do I Attract Players? You Don’t Recognize the Pattern
People tend to keep seeking out the same type of person, even though relationship after relationship with that type of person has failed.
As humans, we tend to blame the problem on the other person, but if you take a mathematical approach, it comes to this – there is one common element in your failed relationships, and that’s you. While one person is never responsible solely for a breakup, you need to take ownership here.
Again, sometimes it boils down to doing what’s familiar and comfortable.
You are attracting these men into your life for a reason.
Above, I said likes attract likes. This is true of our friendships and our relationships. I also said above that players are emotionally unavailable, and they lack confidence.
Let’s revisit that for a moment.
Players seem to be confident men, and they are, but only in their ability to win over another low-confidence woman. Their confidence in their ability to enjoy a good relationship is zero. The confidence a player has in his ability to love and be loved is zero. His confidence in his ability to be a good man is zero.
He’s only confident as a player because he has a lot of practice. He’s preyed upon dozens of women before you and he’s a scientist. He knows what works and what doesn’t. He fine-tunes what works and ditches what doesn’t.
But the bottom line here is your patterns. These men are attracted to low-confidence women. That’s the pattern.
You’re Afraid of Change
To date a different type of guy, or to change who you are is scary. Change is always scary. You date the same type of man because he’s familiar to you. To date a different type of man means he will want to do different things, talk about different things, and go to different places.
Oh boy!
And yet it’s in change that we find growth. When you allow yourself to change, you become more confident because you experience new and different things. You find new people and enjoy new types of activities.
It’s in changing that we find our true selves. You try something and if you don’t like it, you try something else. This takes courage because you need to begin changing before you have the confidence to do so.
The first steps of change, therefore, require you to be bold and brave. Overcome the fear of change and go for it. One day, you’ll wake up with the energy to do this, or the drive, and at that point, you have to charge ahead!
Once you do, even if you don’t succeed at whatever you did, you’ll feel a bit more confident because you overcame a fear. Now try it again with a new fear. Explore new heights, literally if you’re afraid of heights. Say hello to a stranger if that’s a fear. Take small steps first and you’ll find the courage to take bigger steps later.
Why do I Attract Players? This is the Phase of Life You’re In
It’s possible that you are in a phase when you’ve decided to throw caution to the wind and life on the wild side. The bad boy is attractive to you because of his inherent badness.
Of course, the obvious risk of this behavior is that you’re going to get hurt, at least emotionally. There are physical risks too, depending on how bad your boy is.
It’s fine to experience this phase of life, and it’s usually reserved for younger people. As you get older, the desire to settle down and stop living life on the wild side wanes.
If it doesn’t, it’s time to take a look again at your confidence and maturity.
The True Answer to Why do I Attract Players… How Does a Player Know Who to go After?
The truth has been stated already, but let’s sum it up here.
You attract players because they see you as vulnerable to their ploys.
When a player walks into a bar or another venue, he scans the room to see who he can prey upon. Which women lack confidence? Which women look sad and vulnerable?
The player is looking for women who have low confidence and low self-esteem. Here’s what they’re looking for.
Your Body Language
One big signal of low confidence is not being able to make eye contact. If a guy looks around the room and sees a woman whose gaze is fixed on the floor instead of those around her, she’s immediately interesting.
But looking down at the floor isn’t the only way to avoid eye contact. Some women use their hair to hide their eyes by allowing bangs to be long or to fall past their eyes.
Poor posture is another clue. Our mothers always told us to use good posture, but I doubt they knew why. Good posture, or keeping your shoulders back and not slouching is a sign of good posture. So players are also looking for slouchers.
A woman who isn’t smiling can be perceived as having low confidence too. When you smile, you’re perceived as being friendly and approachable. Smiles are a great way of giving people permission to come talk to you, and that’s a confident move.
Standing with your arms crossed is a very closed body language. It makes you look very unapproachable and signals low confidence. You don’t want someone to walk up to you and strike up a conversation.
Touching yourself is also a self-conscious move. Women will tuck their hair behind their ears or fidget with their clothing when they’re nervous, so that’s another signal to a player that you’re safe to approach.
The final cue that I’ll share today is your handshake. Always use a strong handshake. Don’t break their hand but be firm and not wishy-washy when you shake someone’s hand. This sends a signal of strength.
Social Withdrawal
Your friends have dragged you out for a girls’ night, but you feel uncomfortable and it shows. One way a player will see it is when you’re with your friends, but not with them. You’re there physically, but they seem to be having fun without you.
This is social withdrawal and it’s a screaming sign of low confidence for a player. He sees you looking like you want to be anywhere else, so he’s going to swoop in, drill down quickly to your vulnerability and pounce like a cat. He’ll say all the right things and listen to your woes. What guy listens to a woman he just met?
A player.
Your Outward Appearance
Aside from your eyes and your slouching, what you’re wearing or how you’re wearing it also speaks volumes. This can go one of two ways. Either you’re dressed in something that barely covers any part of your body or your clothing is frumpy and ill-fitting. You look like you shopped in your grandmother’s closet and she’s two sizes bigger.
Many women feel that if they dress so their breasts and butt are nearly hanging out that they’ll garner the attention of men, and they will, but not the men they want. A great man sees this as a woman who believes she has nothing to offer except her body and he won’t come near her.
The player, however, is looking for sex and your attire tells him you’ll give him what he wants.
Men are visual, but they also love mystery, so if you really want to be sexy, wear something that shows your assets without showing your assets. A top that’s clingy but not low-cut gives him some idea of your body. A pencil skirt or nice-fitting jeans also give him a visual to work with, without showing him everything.
You Look Unkempt
Confident people take care of themselves. They wash their hair regularly, take care of their bodies and take pride in their appearance. This doesn’t mean you pile on tons of makeup, because that’s just another way to hide. But it does mean that when you go out, you show that you respect yourself enough to take pride in your appearance.
I get going to the grocery store to grab a carton of eggs and milk in your sweats, but if you’re going out with friends, at least put on something that says, “I take pride in my appearance.”
That’s a Wrap!
Why do I attract players? The answer is detailed for you above, but let’s summarize. You attract players because your confidence and self-esteem are lower than they should be to attract great men.
Players read your body language and zero in on you, playing on what they see as your weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
The way to stop attracting players is to improve your confidence, and you can learn more about that here.
Don’t you think you’ve dated enough losers? Isn’t it time to find a great guy to date? Maybe you think you already have!
This book will help you know for sure! You’ll go in-depth on the good and bad qualities to look for in a man so you an know for sure.
End the guessing game and Weed out the Users!
