Relationships falter and arguments occur because people don’t understand one fundamental truth: love is a verb.
Yes, love is a feeling. You can be in love with someone, but ultimately, to maintain a happy relationship, you must recognize that love is a verb. An action.
In the early stages of a relationship, acting on your feelings is natural, in fact, it can feel overwhelming. The chemistry and the hormones created by the feeling of love kick in and you want to do things for one another.
He may bring you flowers or offer to walk your dog. You might stick a note in his computer bag when he isn’t looking or make his favorite meal.
These are actions that show your love for one another.
This is how men show their love all of the time, but women are more verbal.
The breakdown later in a relationship comes because you want to hear the words I love you while he’s busy showing you that he loves you. You don’t understand that his actions, to him, are very telling of how he feels and you think he doesn’t love you.
I see it time and time again. I’ve written on it a few times.
How will I know if he really loves me?
Let’s first dig into how man and women fall in love differently.
Men and Women Fall in Love Differently
The differences between men and women when it comes to love are clear right from the very first.
From the very first moment you meet a guy, you share experiences. These experiences sometimes enable your body to create certain neurotransmitters, which, in turn, creates a feeling of love.
But here’s the kicker. Men and women require different neurotransmitters to fall in love. Who knew?
It turns out that men require three neurotransmitters to fall in love while women only require two.
Women’s Neurotransmitters vs. Men’s
For a woman, dopamine and oxytocin are required for that loving feeling to be created. These chemicals must build up in your system to a certain level for you to feel attraction and ultimately fall in love.
Men, as I mentioned, require three neurotransmitters: testosterone, vasopressin, and dopamine. These combine to enable him become attracted to you, bond with you, and ultimately commit to a relationship with you.
How Neurotransmitters Impact the Speed of Falling in Love
Dopamine is the neurotransmitter both men and women need for love, but they need them differently.
For women, they fall in love when their dopamine and oxytocin levels reach a certain level. Oxytocin increases faster than dopamine for women.
In the case of men, all three neurotransmitters must be present. Testosterone shoots up, then the increase nearly levels off, going up much slower. Vasopressin shoots up, then goes through a period of increasing and decreasing before shooting up again to meet up with the testosterone. Dopamine takes a slower journey, going up slightly, leveling off, then increasing slightly again before finally increasing at a more rapid rate.
The end result is that women’s chemicals reach peak level faster than men’s levels. It can be frustrating for a woman who’s sure her guy is in love with her but isn’t showing it yet. The truth is you beat him to it.
If you can be patient and give him time, his levels will get there too. If you push him too hard without accepting that he’s moving slower, you run the risk of pushing him away.
The Neurotransmitters & How They Work
You may recognize dopamine as the ‘feel good’ chemical. It’s something your body produces every time you’re doing something you enjoy. Rewards like food, sex, and drugs increase your dopamine. You like how it makes you feel and you want more of it.
Testosterone, as you probably have heard, makes men into men. It gives him the drive to chase a woman he finds attractive. His levels shoot up and the pursuit is on. It will ultimately be the chemical that makes him want to claim you as his own and to commit to a relationship with you.
Oxytocin is sometimes called the love hormone. It not only creates a loving bond between men and women, but also mothers and their children. It’s also a hormone released after you experience an orgasm.
Vasopressin is found in men who are attracted to a woman. It’s this that makes a man feel like he can count on you. He produces it when he overcomes a challenge or stressful situation. It’s vasopressin that helps men see people as team players.
The challenge with the timing of the male vs female chemicals is that for women, love feels risky and causes anxiety because it happens so quickly. The fact that the man is falling in love slower adds to her anxiety, making this time in between you both falling in love feel very stressful. Patience is the necessary element for success.
Love is a Verb: Moving Past the Science
Okay, now that we’re done with the sciency stuff, it’s time to get into the meat of our discussion.
Men and Women Send and Receive Love Differently
I get emails all of the time from women who are afraid their guy doesn’t love them, and yet, when I dig in, I often find that their guy is 100% in love with them, and they just don’t see it.
Look For Small Gestures
Men show love through small gestures, like taking you out to lunch or doing small chores. A man might take your car for an oil change or get up early with the kids so you can sleep in on a weekend morning.
It’s these small gestures that show his love for you. He’s trying to ease your load or make your life easier in some way.
Watch for Signs of Vulnerability
Men aren’t raised to show their soft underbelly to anyone. Being a macho man means showing anger or aggression and facing dangerous situations. Emotional vulnerability is a sign of weakness.
Because of this, sometimes all a man can say to you is, “Wow, Babe, you look great.” It’s all he is able to share in that moment.
And then, you’ll find in other moments that he opens up a little bit and shares something, making him feel very exposed and vulnerable.
How you react in these moments is crucial. If you ignore it or worse, demean him for it, it won’t happen again for a very long time, if ever. But, if you treasure this moment for the rare gift that it is, you’ll find more of them in the future.
Ask questions and validate whatever feelings he’s sharing with you. It might even help to share something that makes you feel vulnerable sometime soon after as well.
The more he feels accepted by you, the more likely he’ll be to share that soft underbelly at another time.
Let Him Navigate His Emotions How He Needs to
Because sharing his emotions probably isn’t a familiar feeling for him, he might not always want to talk about something that’s bothering him.
If you sense he’s battling something, don’t push. If he asks to be left alone, let him have his time, but if he doesn’t, suggest going for a walk or out to eat. Sometimes these activities will help him feel like he can open up.
The key is to suggest but not force. Most of the time, if you let him sort things out on his own, he will share what was bothering him with you later. He just needs time to process what happened and find a solution.
The Pursuit of Intimacy
Men and women also see intimacy differently. For a man, emotional intimacy often comes through sexual intimacy. In other words, being invited to have sex with you makes him feel more emotionally connected to you. This is because men are more physical, and touch is often powerful for them.
Women, on the other hand, find sexual intimacy through emotional intimacy. Your desire to feel wanted and emotionally safe helps you feel more open to sex.
While it’s the opposite for you, it doesn’t mean they’re oppositional to one another. They’re actually complimentary traits.
So, what does this mean? It means that you should be more intentional with physical affection. Kiss his neck. Rub his back. Hold his hand. It won’t always lead to sex, so don’t be afraid that if you hold his hand he’ll want to jump in the sack. He requires affection too, and this is how you can give it to him.
Face to Face Interaction vs Side by Side
Intimacy isn’t just sex. It’s the little moments you share together, but you experience them differently than men do.
For women, face to face communication is more meaningful, while for a man, doing something side by side feels intimate.
For example, a man can say to you, “You’re really beautiful” and it will be meaningful to you, but if you reciprocate and say, “And you’re quite handsome tonight”, he won’t feel that same boost.
Instead, he will enjoy doing something with you, like cooking or working on a hobby. I often encourage women to take interest in their guys’ hobbies and this is why. He will enjoy doing something with you than he will whatever pretty words you say to him.
Behaviors of Love vs Emotions
What does anger mean to you? Is it when someone pulls out in front of you in traffic? Is it when someone lies to you? Is it when your sister steals your favorite boots, then gets them dirty?
And what about love? You love hamburgers. You love your new purse, and you love your dog. Do you consider all of these different loves as being the same?
When we think of love as an emotion, it becomes harder to define because everyone defines their emotions differently. Abuse to you might be someone slapping you across the face, while to someone else, that isn’t abuse, but being punched in the gut is.
So, when we instead consider the idea of love is a verb, it becomes definable. It’s an action. It’s something you do to show another person that you admire and love them.
Just today, my mother asked me if I was tired of taking care of her. I didn’t even flinch before I said, “No!” and I meant it. I love my mother and I would do anything for her. I feel the same way about my sisters. I would do anything for any of them. And I often do.
My actions show my love.
Think about it this way. It’s easy to say the words, “I love you” and perhaps the person saying them doesn’t even mean what they’re saying. But, to show someone you love them through your actions takes effort and energy. You’re taking time out of your schedule to focus on helping them.
Isn’t that so much more meaningful than just blurting out some words?
Wrapping Up: Take Love off of Autopilot
Too many times, once a relationship has moved past a commitment stage and you’re a year or two, maybe more, into it, love goes on autopilot.
“He knows I love him.”
Yes, somewhere deep down inside, he probably does know, but that doesn’t mean you stop showing him and vice versa.
By doing things for your loved ones, including your partner, you’re putting your precious time and energy into something selfless for someone else. It’s a true act of love and sacrifice, no matter how small it may seem.
The trick is to continue doing things for one another, and these actions don’t need to be grandiose. Put a note in his briefcase or computer bag that says something sweet or promises a treat later, like his favorite cookies or meal.
Run his clothes to the dry cleaner or pick them up. Get his car washed or fill up the gas tank. If he’s bogged down at work, do one of his chores for him or bring him dinner.
Keep the love going by doing things that show your appreciation for one another. Don’t put love on autopilot and expect it to survive because it won’t.
Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you’ll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They’re added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.
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