Relationships and jealousy can seem like they go hand-in-hand, but they don’t need to. Today, let’s dig into what jealousy is, how it impacts relationships, and what you can do to get it out of your relationship.
What is Jealousy?
Just so we’re both on the same page, let’s get the definition of jealousy out there.
Jealousy affects people of all ages, genders, and sexual orientations. It is a complex emotion that can cause a person to feel fearful, humiliated, and even enraged. Jealousy most often rears its ugly head when there is a perceived threat to a valued relationship, and the threat comes from a third party. The threat may or may not be real.
Why do People Feel Jealous?
You might want to blame your jealous feelings on your partner, but the truth is that they originate within you. It’s a you problem, not a him problem. But that doesn’t tell you why, so let’s go there.
Low Self-Esteem
Believing You are Inadequate
When you have low self-esteem, you feel insecure and inadequate. You feel like he’s only dating you until someone better comes along. Or you may feel as if you don’t deserve a great guy like him.
Since you feel this way, you also feel that he will wise up soon and leave you for someone better.
Feeling You Aren’t Enough
Being enough has become a bit of a buzzword lately, and I am not complaining. Everyone is enough, regardless of who they are or what they’ve gone through. And yet, many people feel that they are not enough.
Not enough to keep a great guy in your life.
Not enough to deserve a great guy or a great relationship.
Not enough to enjoy or deserve happiness.
This has the same result as low self-esteem. You are just waiting for your guy to realize this as well and leave you.
An Ongoing Cycle of Self-Doubt
These feelings of inadequacy and not being enough create an ongoing spiral of self-doubt. They show up as jealousy and often end your relationships, which then furthers your negative feelings about yourself.
Past Experiences
For anyone who’s been abandoned in their early life, a fear of abandonment isn’t just a threat, it’s very real.
Additionally, if you’ve been in romantic relationships previously where someone cheated on you or caused you to distrust them, you’ll have a heightened sense of awareness, perhaps too heightened.
These past experiences are not predictors of the future, however, even though they feel like they should be.
Fear of Losing Someone
Just like abandonment, some folks experience a significant loss early in their lives, and it makes them a little more fearful than the average person to fear that same loss in relationships.
You finally find a guy you think is a great guy for you, but you’re so fearful of losing him, like the loss you experienced before, that you become overprotective of the relationship, usually to its detriment.
Comparing Yourself to Others
Before social media, you might compare yourself to a cute waitress or woman across the room, or perhaps a work colleague.
Now that social media has become such a big part of life, you have thousands more women to compare yourself to, and this isn’t a good thing.
AI has made this even worse because now people can generate the ‘perfect’ person, at least in their eyes.
What’s so important to remember here, however, is that there is no ideal person – no perfect. Each individual finds something more or less attractive about others. Some guys might be into women who are overweight while others want someone who is bone thin.
Some guys might be into long blonde hair while others like dark curly hair.
And you cannot know ahead of time what the guy you’re interested in is into. He might be one of the smarter fellows who sees the person inside you and isn’t as interested in your physical looks.
Working Through Mental Health Challenges
Someone who is already dealing with depression, OCD, or anxiety may be more prone to jealousy.
These thought patterns tend to already make you feel as if you’re not good enough or strong enough to battle things, so it can be a natural transition into feeling jealousy as well.
Possessiveness
Someone who has a misguided sense of being able to own another person may feel as if that ownership extends to their significant other.
Consequently, if that partner even glances at someone else, jealousy rears up and roars.
Is Jealousy Healthy for Relationships?
A small amount of jealousy is okay because it can say, “Hey, I’m really into you and that thing you just did there made me a little uncomfortable.”
The truth is that if you care so little for your relationship that you don’t even try to defend it against invaders, that’s a problem too.
If you’re using a little bit of jealousy to protect your relationship, then it’s not harmful and is, in fact, helpful.
The trick is not crossing the line into crazy town.
The trick is to recognize that it’s okay to have a twinge of jealousy from time to time, but you must then engage in a healthy discussion about what has made you uncomfortable.
The key is the communication. You and your partner must be able to come together to talk about what happened, why it made you uncomfortable, and how the two of you can work through the problem.
What Can You Do About Relationships and Jealousy?
The solution lies in what is causing the problem.
As you can see from the reasons listed above, each one will have a more direct solution, which can often be helped along with some counseling.
Raising your self-esteem, learning that past experiences of abandonment don’t indicate future incidents of abandonment, and so on.
Additionally, there are a few things that might help:
- Open, honest communication where you not only speak but listen
- Determine what the root cause of your jealousy is so you can address it
- Set healthy boundaries in your relationship – things you can both agree upon and adhere to
Wrapping Up
It’s normal to feel a little jealous from time to time, and it can even be healthy if it’s in small doses and you address it.
But when jealousy takes root and branches out to the point that you’re driving by where your partner said he was going to be, just to check and make sure he’s there, that’s unhealthy.
Needing to know where he is every second of the day is unhealthy.
You must allow someone to build trust with you. Treating a new guy who hasn’t broken your trust like the last guy who did break your trust isn’t fair to the new guy.
So your first job is to decide if your jealousy is healthy or overblown, and then to address it appropriately.
