Mike, already once divorced, thought he had found himself the perfect woman in Jolene. She was energetic, kind, and seemed to have a big heart. In addition, she had a young son with autism who lit up something inside of Mike, who had three children of his own.
After dating for quite some time, Mike decided it was time to propose. The only problem was that his children and family could see Jolene for who she was, and Mike couldn’t.
Jolene was being manipulative in a relationship, and the victim was an unsuspecting Mike, who rarely saw the bad in anyone.
As time drew closer to their pending wedding, which was small, and to be in their small home, Jolene became even more of the woman his family saw.
She threatened suicide if the wedding didn’t happen and feyned illness. Additionally, she claimed an undying need for Mike to remain in her life.
The odd thing was that Mike wasn’t balking – he was all in. Never a hesitation about the wedding. But her behavior persisted, right up until wedding day.
Mike and Jolene are still married, although not happily. Unfortunately, Mike has developed serious health issues and really cannot leave. His physical handicaps prevent him from holding many jobs, and he was laid off in a massive, big corporate layoff more than a year ago.
So, what happened? What does it look like to be manipulative in a relationship? How can you get out of a relationship like this? All those answers and more…
What Does it Mean to be Manipulative in a Relationship?
Sometimes, like in the case of Mike above, we cannot see the forest for the trees, as they say. We cannot see what’s right in front of us, either because we don’t want to see that we could be so very wrong about someone, or because we fear that if we lose this relationship, there will be no other.
Here are some signs of a manipulative relationship.
You See Signs of Control and Exploitation
The intention of someone who is manipulative in a relationship is to control the other person and have the power to get what they want.
A master manipulator learns the weaknesses of their partner and uses those against you to get what they want from you or the relationship.
As long as their tactics work, the manipulation will continue.
How does the manipulated person feel? Someone who is being manipulated in a relationship will have a sense of being emotionally drained, anxious, fearful, doubtful of their own needs, thoughts and feelings.
There is Emotional and Psychological Abuse
These are signs of things that nobody wants to believe they’re susceptible to, and yet, we all can be.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a term that goes all the way back to a movie from the 1940’s in which a husband tinkers with the gaslights of their home, telling his wife that nothing is going on when clearly, she can see the lights dimming. He was attempting to get his wife to question her sanity.
The term has been adopted by psychologists to describe this form of emotional abuse during which one person manipulates another by getting them to question their own sanity and perceptions.
Someone who is gaslighting you has an ulterior motive, which only serves them in some way. They will lie, blame you for things, and minimize your feelings to move your perceptions where they want them to be.
When someone is gaslighting you, they make you feel as if whatever you’re thinking or feeling is not valid, or that they aren’t worthy of notice. The ultimate goal of someone who is gaslighting is to avoid accepting responsibility for whatever wrong they’re doing.
The motivations are many. Some do it for money, others for control and power.
Manipulative in a Relationship with Passive-Aggressive Behavior
We’ve all heard of passive-aggressive behavior, but what is it exactly?
When someone is being passive aggressive as a form of manipulation, they may employ one of several tactics:
- Indirect expression of their negative feelings – instead of using words to express how they feel, they will use a lack of words with plenty of actions like sulking, giving you the silent treatment, or procrastinating on doing something
- Hidden hostility – sarcasm is a great example of passive aggressive manipulation, but not the only one; backhanded compliments and intentional mistakes are also examples; the passive-aggressive person might misrepresent your job by saying, “This is Kate, she changes diapers for a living” instead of telling someone that you’re a registered nurse
- Resisting cooperativeness – someone is being passively-aggressive when they agree to do something and then fail to follow through; they can also sabotage the situation in some way, making it impossible to move forward; for example, your boyfriend might have agreed to give you a ride to a job interview, then either not show up, or show up so late that going to the interview is pointless
- Guilt-tripping is another great weapon in the passive-aggressive toolbox; this is where someone says something like “Don’t bother…I’ll just do it myself”; it’s meant to guilt you into doing whatever it is they wanted you to do in the first place
- Baiting – a passive-aggressive person will use dramatic and overblown gestures like big heavy sighs or pouting to get you to ask what’s wrong and concede to whatever it is they want you to do
Lying and Blaming
No master manipulator is going to accept responsibility for their actions. They don’t want to control themselves, in fact, they cannot. They want to control you.
To keep from accepting responsibility, they will lie about their role in whatever is going on, or they might exaggerate the truth, so they look better in the situation.
For even more bang for their buck, a good manipulator will place the blame on you, making you doubt yourself and your version of what you think just happened.
The lies a manipulator tells aren’t the harmless little white lies like when a woman says, “Honey, do I look okay in this dress?” and her once-bitten twice shy partner says, “Yes, you look lovely” regardless of the truth, so he doesn’t hurt her feelings. Those aren’t the lies I’m referring to. Those lies try to protect someone’s emotional well-being, not destroy it.
Manipulative in a Relationship with Threats and Coercion
Now, we’ve arrived at Jolene’s tactics.
Some manipulators will use threats or even force to get someone to do what they want them to do. An often-employed tactic is to threaten to leave the relationship if your partner won’t do what you want him to do.
Some will threaten harm, as Jolene did, to make sure that they remain in control of the situation and get what they want. Some manipulators will go to great lengths to make sure you comply, even to the point of harming themselves.
Self-harm is not to be taken lightly, however, so if your partner resorts to this tactic, it requires immediate professional attention.
The Silent Treatment
Nothing drives a relationship partner crazy more than being on the butt end of the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is a tactic during which the manipulator will go completely silent on their partner if the partner is doing something undesirable. For example, if we use that job interview example from above, we can assume that instead of waiting for their partner to arrive (late), the manipulated person either drives themselves or calls an Uber to get to the interview.
The manipulator, incensed at the boldness of the person they’re trying to manipulate, may use the silent treatment to enforce the point that they feel they were wronged. Never mind that they were the one doing the wrong in the first place. The manipulator is always the one who was wronged.
Some manipulators will use sex and affection as tools by withholding them to punish you for whatever it is you did wrong in their eyes. The only way to get them to concede is to admit you were wrong, even if you weren’t. The manipulator wins and you’re left accepting responsibility for something you didn’t do.
Other manipulators will withhold information. Perhaps after you Uber’d to the job interview, you got a letter stating they want another interview, or maybe even a phone call saying you’re hired, but you weren’t there to receive it, and your manipulative partner was. They may withhold that information from you to keep you from doing something they don’t want you to do.
Isolation
Probably one of the worst tactics of a manipulator is isolation from your friends and family. This is an especially useful tactic because it allows them to use their mind control tactics without the intervention of people on the outside who can see what’s really happening.
The last thing a manipulator wants is for you to have someone show you what’s happening and rescue you from the situation.
The opposite of this can also happen. In this case, the manipulator will try to win over your friends and family by getting them to argue for their side. They may present their lies and half-truths to your family to get them to encourage you to stay in the relationship, for example.
Ultimately, the goal of the manipulator is to use your family, or the absence of your family, to keep you under their control.
How do You End Up in a Relationship with Someone Who is Manipulative in a Relationship?
A manipulator does not choose his victim at random. He studies you and maybe even dates you a couple of times to see if you’re a good candidate or if he should move on.
What is he looking for?
Low Confidence and Self-Esteem
With low confidence and self-esteem, you’re more likely to doubt yourself, making many of his tactics work very well.
Gaslighting, for instance, works very well on someone with low self-esteem because you already doubt yourself on many things. He can capitalize on that and really get you to believe whatever he wants you to believe.
People-Pleasing Behaviors
People who are people-pleasers have low confidence. They tend to believe that saying no to someone will cost them the relationship, so they say yes to keep it.
People-pleasers also have no boundaries, and boundaries are one layer of armor against a manipulator. If he senses he can get away with anything with you, he’ll pounce.
How does he know? Sex on the first date. Being too willing to do whatever he suggests. Allowing him to do or say things to you that go beyond what is acceptable to someone with boundaries.
Non-Confrontational
Some folks don’t like confrontation, and that’s okay, but when it combines with these other traits, it means you’re likely to let him do whatever he wants, even if you don’t like it, because you don’t want the conflict.
A manipulator can run all over you with his various tactics and he knows that you won’t say a word.
Mourning or Battling Something Difficult
People who are either mourning a loss or battling something difficult often have their defenses down. They’re more vulnerable to manipulators because their mind is somewhere else.
Manipulative in a Relationship: His Tactics
The first thing a manipulator will do is assess you to see if any of these fit. Low confidence and low self-esteem often show up in body language, so he probably knows this one before he approaches.
He’ll avoid confident women altogether, saving himself time and possibly being outed.
He will also gauge your social connections to see how many friends you have, whether you’re a friend on the fringe of the group or deeply involved. Those on the fringe are greater targets.
He will also assess your strengths and weaknesses, but this usually occurs once he’s introduced himself. He’s still assessing in the early dating days, but if he’s dating you, you’ve passed a couple of his tests already.
Initially, a manipulator will be charming beyond belief. He’ll seem like the guy you’ve been longing for with all the proper manners and words. He will flatter you, help you do things, and appear to be a very caring man.
But once he’s gotten himself in the door, so to speak, he will begin his manipulation. It will come so slowly that you won’t see it coming. It’s like the old saying, put a frog in hot water and he’ll jump out, put him in cold water and turn up the heat and he’ll never realize he’s cooked.
One of the first tools he will employ is to isolate you from your support network of friends and family. He can’t have them telling you that he’s manipulating you. That would never do. In isolating you, he’s also making you more dependent on him. What you would once have gone to them for, you must now go to him for.
Once he has you isolated, the real manipulation can begin. It’s at this point that he can gaslight you, devalue you, and so on.
Not every manipulator uses all the things above, and there are other tactics that some will use that aren’t mentioned above.
Signs You May be in a Manipulative Relationship
You’ve read all the ways in which someone can manipulate you, but what are some signs you can look for to determine whether you’re in one?
- You always feel on edge and/or anxious but you’re not quite sure why
- It’s difficult for you to make decisions
- You have low feelings of self-esteem, like not believing you deserve to have good things in your life, or that you aren’t worthy of a good relationship
- Your family and friends are no longer part of your life
- Your partner telling you that you’re overreacting to something or that you’re being dramatic
- You have opinions and feelings, but your partner consistently dismisses them as worthless
What to do if You’re with Someone Who is Manipulative in a Relationship
The most important thing for you to understand is that manipulation is emotional abuse, and it’s no less harmful than physical abuse.
Manipulative in a Relationship: Recognize the Signs
You have them just above, and if some or all of them start to resonate, chances are good that you’re with someone who is manipulative in a relationship.
Again, understand that he is emotionally abusing you, and even if you don’t have the physical scars to show it, you do have emotional scars.
He will tell you that nobody will believe you – that you look perfectly fine. But I guarantee you that those who understand emotional abuse will see the scars. There may be a hollow look to your eyes, or a sense of flatness in your personality that cue others in. Trust me, he’s lying to you – people will see it, easily.
Rather than try to deny that this has happened to you, recognize how he has scarred you, emotionally, and perhaps physically. You should not feel ashamed because he abused you.
He may try to play the victim in the situation, but he is the perpetrator, and everyone will see it that way, even though he will try to tell you otherwise.
Create an Exit Strategy
There are professional organizations out there who help women just like you. It’s crucial that you connect with one of these organizations.
Chances are, if you’re on the Internet reading this, you’ve already found some way around his restrictions. Use the Internet to reach out for help. I encourage you to use private web browsers to do your searching and outreach. Search histories can be reviewed.
If you are someone who is able to get out of the house from time to time, arrange to meet with someone who can help you.
Removing yourself from this type of situation is not often easy. A manipulator does not like to give up his prey. He’d rather not hunt for another victim but keep the one he has. Additionally, many manipulators see their target as their property, and they don’t like to lose their property.
Work with the professionals and do the things they recommend so you can remove yourself from the situation. They have all the resources, including safe places for you to stay and counseling.
Manipulative in a Relationship: Document His Behavior
If you have access to your cell phone, try to secretly record his rants, speeches, and other ways he manipulates you. Get as much as you can on a recording using your video app. You don’t need to see him in the videos, just hearing is enough. This will be helpful to you if you require legal assistance later.
Prepare Yourself for the Aftermath
There will be fallout from leaving a manipulative relationship, but it isn’t anything you can’t handle.
Work with the professionals to find a counselor who can help you with the emotional challenges you will face. They will help you deconstruct what happened and help you believe in yourself again.
Additionally, know that he will try to reach out again and win you back. Early on, it might feel safer to go back, but you can’t. If you do, it will be that much more difficult to leave again.
Instead, change your phone number, get a new address, and tell your friends and family that they are not to give out this information. For a while, if the situation was really bad, it might be best to hide away from everyone. That way, nobody can slip or be coerced into providing valuable information.
Focus on Healing
Now is not the time to look for a new relationship. You have a lot of work to do on yourself first. You have many emotional scars to heal, and working with a professional counselor will help you do that.
Your energy should be on yourself, and if you have children, their well-being. Nobody else matters as you work to become a strong, confident woman with a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
It is possible! I believe in you. Reading this article is an important first step because it shows that you know where you are right now and you want something better for yourself.
Wrapping Up Manipulative in a Relationship
I feel like I’ve painted a grim picture for you, but being targeted by someone who is manipulative in a relationship is not a fairy tale story with a pretty ending.
Not all manipulators are as extreme as some of what you’ve read. Take Mike from the beginning of the article, for example.
He does still have a relationship with his mother; however, his wife does not participate in any family events. This is her way of controlling those situations. Jolene’s big manipulation was getting Mike to marry her. Past that, she’s satisfied with small manipulations, such as not attending events.
Additionally, Jolene uses contrived medical conditions, usually similar to conditions someone else in the family has, to avoid working – anywhere. Mike suffers from serious back issues, and yet he cleans, cooks, does the laundry, and all other chores.
And most of the time, Mike appears to not only go along, but believe that she has these conditions, setting aside his own health in lieu of her perceived health issues.
On the surface, Mike appears to be a happy guy in a good relationship. Those closer to him know differently, but he’s not fighting it so they let it be.
Can you stay in a mildly manipulative relationship like that of Mike and Jolene? Sure. You may even be able to set some boundaries and establish some small sense of control.
I will close by saying that people who are manipulative in a relationship are suffering from poor mental health of their own. These are not strong, confident people, even though they might seem to be. Many are battling either narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Others might be battling antisocial personality disorder, which is likely the cause of Jolene’s manipulative behaviors. Still others are battling disorders like anxiety or depression, also possibilities or Jolene.
Manipulators crave control because they feel their life is out of control. They have the same low self-esteem that they saw in you. Some may be in it for personal gain, usually financial, but sometimes to achieve a goal or gain power. And finally, sometimes manipulators want to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
As you distance yourself from a manipulator and heal, you’ll wonder how you didn’t see the signs before you got involved. Your counselor will work you through that too.
Whether you stay or leave, I encourage you to seek professional counseling. If the case is mild, as in the case of Mike and Jolene, encourage your partner to seek counseling as well. You could end up in a happy relationship or you may end up apart, but either way, you’ll both be healthier people in the end.
