When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you can be blindsided by his charm and early behavior.
This guy seemed perfect. He showered you with attention and when you were around him, it was like nobody else was in the room. He was so charming, you found him almost too good to be true.
Well, he was…too good to be true that is.
Don’t get me wrong, not all charming men are narcissists, so don’t discount all of us right off. Some are great men.
How can you tell if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist?
Being in a Relationship with a Narcissist is Like an Amusement Park Ride
When you’re first dating a narcissist, he seems like this totally great guy. He does what’s often called love bombing, which is showering you with the affection and attention you’ve always wanted from a guy.
This is how he sucks you into his web. You’re the fly – he’s the spider who’s weaving little tendrils of his web all around you.
He’ll come off as one heck of a smooth talker, saying things like:
- You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met
- Don’t you agree that we’re perfect for one another?
- I can’t imagine my life without you in it
This all sounds great, but buyer beware – he’s reeling you in, one smooth line at a time. He’s making you feel like the most special woman on earth. What he’s really doing is using these tactics to get you right where he wants you so he can control you.
He Lacks Empathy
A narcissist is incapable of being empathetic.
He will dismiss your feelings and even mock you when you’re upset. He will minimize your problems as no big deal. He’s incapable of seeing your world through your eyes, for the simple reason that there is no positive impact on him.
Life with a narcissist is a life where it’s all about him, always. It will never be about you.
Being in a Relationship with a Narcissist Means Constant Admiration
This guy needs you to continuously tell him how wonderful he is. His ego cannot go even one moment without stroking.
If he isn’t getting the compliments he thinks he deserves, he’ll fish for them by bragging about something he’s done.
Your one job in a relationship with a narcissist is to worship the very ground he walks on, every minute of every day.
It’s exhausting because no matter how much praise you deliver, it’s never enough. It’s like your praise and admiration goes right through him, without stopping. In one ear, out the other, so you must continue feeding it in.
He is a Master Manipulator
Narcissists feed on manipulation. It’s like the food they need to keep living.
To this end, a narcissist will try things like gaslighting, twisting your words, playing mind games, and so on, until you reach a point when you can hardly tell what’s real and true and what isn’t.
The more confused you are, the better he feels.
The silent treatment is one of the big tools in the narcissist’s toolbox. If you fail to admire him enough, or heaven forbid, make something about you instead of him, he’ll just stop talking to you or threaten to leave you.
This is control and manipulation and it’s part of his master plan.
Being in a Relationship with a Narcissist Means Gaslighting
I mentioned this just above, but it deserves its own section here.
Gaslighting is the ultimate form of manipulation because the goal of it is to force you to question your own sanity.
He may deny things he’s said previously or put words into your mouth that you don’t think you said. He knows these are lies, but he doesn’t care. He wants you off-balance.
A narcissist might accuse you of being too sensitive. He might tell you that your memories are incorrect.
The goal is long-term. The more he can keep you confused about what either of you said, or how you feel, the more he can control you by digging at your self-esteem and confidence.
Narcissism is a Diagnosable Mental Health Condition
This isn’t just some guy who’s difficult to be around. This is a person with a mental condition that makes him unsuitable for relationships. Some of the criteria for diagnosing someone of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) include:
- Feelings of grandiosity
- Lack of empathy
- Ongoing need for admiration
- An over-inflated sense of self-importance
- A feeling of entitlement
- Exploiting others for personal gain
- Preoccupation with fantasies of power, success, and his own brilliance
Is There a Happy Relationship with a Narcissist?
The quick answer is no.
A person suffering from NPD needs mental health care. The traits they exhibit make it very difficult for them to be in healthy relationships that are fulfilling and emotionally stable for both individuals.
The person who isn’t narcissistic in the relationship will suffer a lot of damage to their emotional well-being.
Nobody can listen to constant criticism, be with someone who lacks empathy and tries to gaslight them without suffering negative consequences.
Phases of a Narcissistic Relationship
Idealization Phase
This is often called the honeymoon phase in a healthy relationship. This is when he’s love bombing you, giving you attention, and being grandiose with his adoration of you.
Remember, this is all manipulation to get you to be so enamored with him that you’d never leave.
Devaluation Phase
You’ll know when you’re here because the admiration of you stops and the criticism begins.
He’s moving from loving every single thing about you to nitpicking every single thing you do and telling you constantly how wrong you are.
In the devaluation phase, you believe you can’t do anything right. His goal here is to make you more dependent on him and to lower your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth.
Discard Phase
Lucky for you, sort of, at some point, the narcissist will have his fill of ruining your life and he’ll dump you so fast you won’t know what happened.
This is confusing and makes you doubt yourself. What did you do wrong?
Don’t get too excited about him ditching you though, because this is a power play. He wants to see if you’re damaged enough by his constant barrage of negativity to beg him to come back.
Hoovering
Much like the word implies, this is where he wants to suck you back in again. He’ll apologize, promise to change, and make grand gestures that indicate he’s a new man.
This is simply more manipulation to get you back. If he’s gone, let him stay gone. The old patterns will emerge as soon as he’s sure he’s got you stuck in his web again.
How to Regain Yourself After a Relationship with a Narcissist
The best advice I have for you is that you seek professional help. This person has done significant damage to your mental well-being, and without professional help, you’ll either end up with another narcissist or you’ll end up back with this guy.
Remember, his goal was to make you completely dependent upon him and he now believes that you cannot live without him.
But you can, and with professional help, you will!
Outside of that, try to focus on these two things:
- Rebuild your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth
- Prioritize self-care
A narcissist preys upon women he perceives have low confidence, so your best offense is a good level of confidence and self-esteem. He sought you out because you presented yourself as low confidence through your body language.
When you improve your confidence, this will automatically improve as well. Think of confidence as the kryptonite you need to keep narcissists away!
Wrap Up: Relationship with a Narcissist
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is both exhausting and deflating. It makes you question yourself and even your relationships with those who care for you.
Your self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence will dip to all-time lows, thanks to this person who thinks he deserves everything in the world, at your sacrifice.
Coming out from under this type of relationship is not a task to undertake by yourself. Reading a few articles online will all tell you the same things: set boundaries, rebuild your confidence, and so on, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to seek professional counseling.
Even if all you can afford is one visit, make it a good one! Counselors understand your limitations of time and money, but they’re there to help. A good counselor will provide you with the tools you need to rebuild yourself and understand that you were not the problem, regardless of what he made you think.
A partner with narcissism has a diagnosable disorder that requires treatment. You cannot fix this person. You can only fix you!
