The Female Led RelationshipCan it Work for You?
What is a Female Led Relationship?
In the most basic terms, a female led relationship is one in which the woman is in control, at least most of the time. There are varying degrees of female control, depending on the relationship. While it might seem as if these relationships are new, they aren’t. FLRs have been around for many years. It’s just now becoming a topic with less taboo than before.
For couples who choose to engage in this type of relationship, it’s a breath of fresh air because they no longer need to hide who they are. If you truly look at some couples, you may see that they’re in an FLR without realizing it. The woman writes the checks. She decides what the family eats and does. They both bring home the bacon but she fries it and dishes it out according to her plan. There may not be a formal declaration that they have an FLR, but they do.
There are no arguments in an FLR. The man agrees that whatever the woman says is what it will be, in some to all aspects of their lives. Should he decide to disagree, there would be consequences. In some relationships, there may be an allowance for a discussion, but not often.
Level One: Low Level of Control
In a Level One FLR, the woman’s natural tendencies to be in control shine and the man’s tendency to be submissive may appear. Some men find themselves in this type of relationship unknowingly, not realizing that the woman they’ve fallen for has this controlling nature. He may not stay if this isn’t for him.
A Level One FLR may advance to Levels Two, Three and Four if both parties are comfortable in their roles. Some men flourish in this type of relationship while others feel emasculated and wither. The male in a FLR must be willing to take the more submissive role or it won’t work.
Level One LDRs advance as the woman begins to exercise more and more control over her man. She may decide what he wears every day or eat only what she wants him to eat. She may dictate if and when he spends time with his friends. Again, some men seek out this control and really enjoy it while others will leave.
Men seek out a Level One FLR if they’re curious about how it works and whether it’s right for them. They may ask their wife or girlfriend to take more control and have a larger say in the relationship. Some women will embrace this, having a controlling nature to begin with, while others will see it as unnatural and won’t try.
Level Two: Moderate Level of Control
At Level Two, you’re probably not experimenting but have gotten down to some serious control. A man in this level of a female led relationship wants to be there and is anxious for his partner to take more control. At this stage, rules may be put in place, along with expectations of consequences if those rules are broken.
A man may have specific chores or tasks to perform, often on a timeline. Failure to complete the tasks can lead to consequences or stricter punishment. At this level, it is crucial to have a discussion about how much control will be exercised, what those rules are and what the consequences will be.
A good deal of kink can come into play at this level, depending on the couple.
Level Three: High Level of Control
Level Three is when both parties are serious about living in an FLR. They have either both experimented in FLR with other people or they’ve gone through Levels One and Two together. Both are committed to this lifestyle. At this level, the roles become more Dominant and submissive and the domination moves beyond typical playful kink.
The woman is in full control of the man, telling him when and where he can go and for how long. She tells him what he will eat, wear and do. He’s told when he can speak and what to say. While this might sound alarming to someone outside of this lifestyle, remember that the man has not only agreed to this, he may have begged for it or sought out a woman who was specifically looking for this lifestyle as well.
A man who forfeits full control of his life to a woman is right where he wants to be. He has looked long and hard to find a woman to play this role in his life.
Level Four: Complete Control
In a Level Four FLR, there is complete control and also some level of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline/Dominance, Submission and Sadism/Masochism) is present in the relationship. Both parties are willingly in this relationship. It’s what they have sought out.
The woman is in complete control in a Level Four FLR. The real difference between Levels Three and Four is the degree of kink that comes with BDSM versus what may be nothing more than occasional discipline.
Why do Men Desire a Female Led Relationship?
There are many reasons why men seek out an FLR. Sometimes, it is very powerful men in the workplace who seek to allow a woman to control the remainder of their lives. They spend all day in a controlling role and the idea of allowing someone else to take over when they get home has a lot of appeal.
Another reason a man may seek out an FLR is to fulfill a mother role he never felt he had as a child. Men whose mothers were coddlers and passive might not have fulfilled the mother role in a way he needed. By living in an FLR, he is interacting with a woman who is stronger and more confident, more demanding.
For some men, it’s about not being able to make decisions easily. They willingly hand over the reigns of decision-making to the woman in their lives to relieve them of a task they can’t easily perform. A strong, confident woman in an FLR enjoys taking control of this aspect of his life. It’s what she does.
In the case of other men, they enjoy being at the beck and call of a woman. They want to provide constant attention, give gifts and be her slave. While this is a submissive role, it makes them feel powerful, needed and important in their partner’s life.
There are female led relationships where the woman is the sole provider. She works and provides the income while he stays home with a list of chores and expectations to be met. When she returns home, things had better be the way he was told to make them or there will be consequences. In other cases, she may stay home while he works, but he will have no control over the money he’s earning.
The most important thing to remember, if you’re learning about this for the first time, is that a man enters this type of relationship willingly. I can’t stress this enough. A man in an FLR isn’t to be pitied, as may be your inclination if you don’t understand this. He is to be admired for living the life he feels is best for him, without worrying about what others think.
FLR Does NOT Equal Feminism
Feminism rallies for equal rights for both men and women. An female led relationship does not include equal rights for both sexes. The woman is in control. Period.
Feminism promotes equal pay for men and women in the same role. This is not a concern in a female led relationship. It isn’t about how much either partner earns. It is a power exchange.
Feminism also stands up for things like sexual assault, equal rights for transgendered people and other things for the common good. While I think we can all agree that sexual assault is not to be tolerated, not all people in an FLR have the same opinion on transgender or other things feminism stands for.
A man and woman in an FLR can both call themselves feminists, or not, it’s up to them, but they are not, by virtue of being in an FLR, feminists.
People mistake the roles of the man and woman in a female led relationship. The woman isn’t taking on the role of the man, but she is taking control. She remains very much in touch with her femininity and in many instances, her male partner finds her even more sexy because of the role she is playing.
Benefits of an Female Led Relationship
There are many benefits to both men and women in an FLR. Here are a few.
Women are More Organized
By nature, women are better able to juggle their multi-faceted lives. If they work, there are work concerns, combined with the concerns of the home like cooking, cleaning and doing the shopping. Women are better multitaskers and are better able to organize a typical day.
Many men are quite capable of the same, but often not as efficiently as a woman. Generally speaking, and there is some science to this, men are not multitaskers. If you ask a man to do two things at once, he will need to choose one or the other. A woman, however, can be feeding the baby, cooking dinner and scrubbing the sink at the same time, and she’ll do all three well.
Some men aren’t as much into the details of many tasks women find important. For example, cleaning the kitchen to a man might mean washing dishes and clearing away the trash. For a woman, it might mean scrubbing the sink, sweeping or mopping the floor, cleaning out the microwave, wiping off the stovetop and cleaning the countertops, in addition to doing the dishes and clearing away the trash.
No Reading Between the Lines
There is not much ambiguity in an FLR, if any. Men are not great at picking up cues, but in an FLR, there are no clues, just rules and they’re clearly stated.
If a woman says “clean the bathroom”, he knows exactly what is expected of him. If a woman tells her man that it’s time to mow the lawn, he’s out the door pulling the string, ready to do it just the way she expects it to be done. And he knows what that is because she has clearly told him what is expected of him.
The rules of an FLR help a man know exactly what he is to do and when. He doesn’t need to guess at what she wants because she has spelled it out. This makes life much easier for men because they all want to please their women, many just don’t know how.
As I’ve told you many times in my books, men show love by their actions. They want to fix things for you. They want to mow the lawn and do the edging. They want to go shopping and bring back what you want, but sometimes, women are not clear enough for them to do a great job.
Communication is Excellent
In an FLR, there are no communication issues. In order for this type of relationship to work, there must be excellent communication between the man and woman. If communication is poor, the relationship won’t work. The man does not know or understand his role and the woman doesn’t get the power grab they’re both looking for.
Couples in an FLR are better at expressing their feelings. They know the value of open communication and, in the end, there are no arguments, so putting your feelings out there is risk-free. This leads to the next benefit.
Everyone’s Feelings are Considered
You may think that a woman just decides to take control one day and that’s it. Wham. Bam. Thank you Ma’am, she’s in control, but that isn’t how an FLR works. In this type of relationship, there are open and deeply honest conversations about how each partner feels. These conversations occur throughout the relationship, but especially in the beginning when the roles are being defined.
As couples progress through the four levels, open communication over feelings is essential. This is what makes an FLR successful. In many FLRs, there is a written contract that details the rules of the relationship and defines the expectations of both parties.
When a couple enters into an FLR, the man is essentially handing over control of everything, including the money he earns and every decision he makes. This carries a tremendous amount of responsibility for the woman. She is now responsible for making sure her man is happy and healthy. Dominance isn’t just about who cleans the bathroom, it’s about every aspect of a man’s life, including his physical and mental health.
Less Pressure for Men
Your guy wants you to be happy. If he loves you, he wants to be present and to do things that make you happy. The problem is that men aren’t intuitive like that. We don’t just instinctively always know what you want or need.
In a female led relationship, he knows these things because he’s been told. He knows that if he wants to bring you flowers, there are three kinds you will accept. He knows that if you tell him to mow the lawn, you want it in diagonal strips. If you ask him to pick something up at the grocery store, he knows exactly what he’s to get.
This takes a ton of pressure off the man. He doesn’t need to second guess or worry about repercussions when he gets home because he got yellow roses instead of pink. He knows to get pink. He knows what brand of cheese, what cuts of meat and which brand of coffee is acceptable. For the man who wants nothing more than to please his girlfriend or wife, this is ideal!
A Very Satisfied Couple
When you take arguing and ambiguity out of a relationship, it becomes very satisfying for both parties. Because there are no arguments, there is never that underlying tension or tiptoeing around someone after you know you’ve done something wrong.
A woman in power isn’t heartless. If she makes a mistake or accidently does something to hurt her guy, she is equally apologetic and genuinely feels badly. As I said earlier, being in control carries tremendous responsibility, and she recognizes this.
These couples live very happy lives because of this lack of tension and ambiguity. Everything down to what happens between the sheets is discussed and is within her control. He knows exactly what is expected of him and he’s very happy in his role.
While it doesn’t seem as if there is equality in an FLR, there is. Some people looking in from the outside may think a man is being bossed around, but that isn’t the case. He has willingly given up the control over many choices in his life, if not all of them, and it’s this willingness that gives him equality.
Both partners are equally in an FLR and while the female is in control of those decisions, it is because the man has chosen to give up his control of his own life that she has that level of control. As you’ve read, a good female led relationship has a written contract which states the expectations of both partners in the relationship. His responsibility to hold up his end of the deal is as great as hers and the benefits to both are equal.
A man truly wants to please you in the bedroom. This is true of all men, except maybe a player and a narcissist, but neither of them would enter into this type of relationship anyway. The problem is that most women don’t clearly communicate their sexual desires to a man, leaving him to use cues as his guide, and we already know men aren’t great at that.
In an FLR, both parties know the sexual desires of the other. There is very clear communication about those desires and again, the responsibility is on the female to make sure her man’s sexual desires are met, as well as her own.
Women in an FLR are not selfish, heartless bitches. They are confident, loving, caring beings who happen to thrive when they’re in control, and this includes in the bedroom. If the couple is in a Level Three or Four FLR, there might be quite a bit of kink involved in their sex lives, making things even more exciting and varied.
High Level of Trust
A female led relationship cannot survive without trust. The man is entrusting his entire life to his partner and she is willingly taking that on. In return, she is trusting him to be the submissive, obedient partner who holds up his end of the relationship.
Having that written contract adds to the trust by making sure both partners have expressed their desires and expectations. A man who gives over control does so because he has full trust in his partner. He is handing over control over the money he earns, how he spends his time, where he spends his time and how he lives his life. This isn’t done without trust.
Vulnerability isn’t a Negative
Everyone is vulnerable, but men often have a difficult time showing their vulnerability. In an FLR, he is free and welcome to expose his emotions and feelings without the fear of judgment. He doesn’t need to fear showing this side of himself to his partner.
For most men, showing vulnerability is a sign of weaknesses and it’s hard for them to develop enough trust in a woman to do so. If the relationship lasts long enough, a man will eventually feel comfortable showing his feelings.
Things That can Trip up a Female Led Relationship
Like all types of relationships, an FLR is not fool-proof. There are a few things that can cause an FLR to fail.
Power-Hungry Woman Versus In Control
Don’t just get into an FLR because you’re power hungry. That is actually a signal of low confidence. Being the controlling woman in an FLR is about control, while being power-hungry is actually someone out of control.
This isn’t a power grab, like when some rogue politician is overtaken by an angry mob. This is a consensual power shift from the man to the woman in all aspects of his life. He is giving up his right to make the most basic decisions about his own life.
Let’s imagine a man and woman who are in a vanilla (not FLR) relationship. She is unhappy because he is rogue and she decides that the best way forward is to turn their relationship into an FLR, so she makes a power grab and just starts demanding things of her man.
Blindsided by the whole situation, he pushes back and digs in his heels. He doesn’t like this bossy new role she’s playing and, eventually, he retreats.
A true FLR has no power grab. It has an honest discussion about this lifestyle and how it will impact the relationship.
Female Led Relationship: Someone Wants Out
Sometimes, after some period of time, an FLR simply doesn’t work for one partner or the other. If the man is the one who wants out, he may be afraid to communicate this to his partner. In a truly loving FLR, the female partner is not so heartless as to shut down her man’s right to communicate.
If their relationship is strong and they’ve done a great job of communicating in the past, this shouldn’t be an issue. He will be able to express his concerns and she will respectfully listen.
If the woman wants out, there could be real trouble because men are often the ones seeking these types of relationships. He needs this type of relationship and if she isn’t willing to be that person in control any longer, chances are, they’re headed for a split.
Again, an open and honest discussion will help them determine if they need to completely end the FLR relationship or just scale it back some, allowing him to regain some control. Chances are, he will continue to allow her to control the same things, but it will be less formal.
Unfortunately, there is a lot of stigma associated with this type of relationship. Men may joke about being pussy-whipped or something like that, but this just shows their complete lack of understanding.
Likewise, a woman in an FLR may be viewed as that heartless bitch I mentioned earlier when, in truth, she is very caring and has earned the complete trust of her partner.
An FLR couple may be very relieved to discover that some of their friends are living in some level of FLR relationship as well, even if it’s not formally recognized as such.
The Roles Change in the Wrong Way
If you’re not careful, instead of having a loving male-female relationship where you are both viewed as adults in the relationship, you can end up in more of a mother/son relationship where there is more coddling than controlling. This will only happen with certain male personalities.
The problem with this is that the relationship loses its romantic nature and any intimacy, romance or sexual attraction will be gone.
You Fall in Love with the Role, Not the Man
The idea of an FLR is to have a loving relationship. In order to do that, you can’t be more in love with being in control than you are with your partner. Make sure when you enter into this type of relationship that you’re in it for the right reasons, the first of which should be because you love your partner and want to share the type of relationship that seems to most naturally fit your personalities.
What Types of Men Fit This Role?
It’s often the beta male who best fits the role of submissive partner. A beta male tends to be more easy-going, has a more giving nature and is more likely to put your needs above his own. Here are a few traits of a beta male that make him perfect for the role.
He Wants You to be Pleased in Bed
A beta male is more concerned with making sure he pleases you in bed. While the alpha male will come roaring in, assuming he knows just how to please you without asking (and therefore usually failing to some extent), the beta will ask questions and pay attention to the cues.
He Treasures the After-Sex Time Too
While the alpha is more likely to have sex and run, the beta is okay with hanging out until morning or to watch a movie, cuddle or just spend time talking. This guy isn’t just about the sex, he genuinely wants to spend time with you, and who doesn’t like that?
He’s More Likely to Have Hobbies and Passions
The alpha male has heard every compliment in the book and he’s worked hard on himself to earn those compliments, but he hasn’t spent a lick of time on anything else. A beta male is into other things, aside from himself, like cooking, music, animal rights or art. Just like I always tell women to have hobbies because it makes them interesting, his hobbies and passions make him more interesting for you. You will lead a rich life with a guy who’s into something other than himself!
He’s Very Reliable
To a beta male who cares for you, you’re more than just the woman from last night, you’re someone he wants to be there for. Because of this, he’s willing to help you if you’re in a pinch by running an errand or stopping on his way home from work to grab dinner. If you’re feeling stressed, he’s more likely to want to lend an ear or shoulder.
He’s Appreciative and Grateful
The alpha male doesn’t pay attention to details. He won’t notice your favorite ice cream or coffee flavor, but the beta will and he’ll be sure to bring you some. Those little notes I encourage you to put in his lunch or the small gifts you get him from time to time will be very much appreciated by the beta, and he will be very likely to reciprocate.
He Wants a Serious Relationship
Some alpha males get all itchy at the thought of a serious relationship, but a beta male is seeking one. He values your relationship and the time you spend together. He will truly treasure building memories with you. He isn’t going to be a player to jump out of your life as soon as your purpose in his life has vanished. He’s in it for the long haul.
He Remembers Things
Your birthday? He’s got it stored away in a few places so he doesn’t forget. The first date you went on? He remembers more details than you do. The first time you had sex is also a treasured memory for him. The beta is more in touch with his feelings and this allows him to be in touch with the wonderful feelings he gets from each of these events. He wants to please you with a great birthday gift, regardless of how big or small it is. He wants to celebrate that first date by going back to the same place. These things are important to him.
He’s Perfectly Fine Staying In or Going Out
The alpha needs the social interaction of being out most weekends, but the beta is fine staying in and binge watching something on Netflix®. This guy is pretty agreeable to whatever you might want to do and he’s fine either way. He doesn’t need the accolades or pats on the back that the alpha needs from his friends and society in general.
Is a Female Led Relationship For You?
Well, you’ve read just about everything you need to know to make an informed decision. The question you may be asking yourself right now is whether an FLR is right for you or not. If you aren’t in a relationship at this time but you would like to be in an FLR, your task is to find the type of guy described above and see if he’s interested.
If you are in a relationship, but it isn’t an FLR, you’ll need to have a discussion with your guy to see if he’s interested. If you start with a Level One FLR, you can both try it on for size to see if it fits. This may be as far as you ever go with it, or you may both like it and decide to slide up the scale through Levels Two, Three and Four.
What’s important is that you find a man who willingly wants to participate. Continue reading on the topic, including articles on the more extreme forms, Levels Three and Four. BDSM is something many more couples than you realize are interested in, but there is a learning curve. If you and your beau go into it together, you will truly enjoy the process. You’ll learn how to find people who are also into the same things and you’ll build friendships where you can be who you are without fear of judgment.
Whatever decision you make will have an impact on the man in your life, so think things through carefully and have honest and open discussions about it. You can’t force a man into the submissive role and he can’t force you into the dominant role either. Some women are cut out for it and some aren’t. If it feels to foreign or uncomfortable to you, you’re probably not the right person to be in an FLR.