HOW TO GET HIM BACK FAST
All you want to know is how to get him back fast! You've landed in the right place! Below is everything you need to know to get started.
Table of Contents
Understanding What You Can and Cannot Control
If You Want to Know How to Get Him Back Fast, Read This First!
Before reading anything else on this page, read this story by Amanda. This is a powerful reason for you to follow the advice you find here!
Dear Gregg,
I understand where you are right now. You may be reading the words on this page with mascara-streaked tears streaming down your face. Or, maybe you're not crying, but you're enraged at what he's done to you. Regardless of what you're feeling, you just want to know how to get him back fast!
Are you to the point of asking yourself questions like Why Did He Leave or what did I do to deserve this? The bottom line is you want to know how to get him back fast.
You’re probably very emotional right now. Your emotions are on a rollercoaster ride you might not even understand. Everything you’re feeling, regardless of what it is, is normal.
Your job is to try to gain control over your emotions so you can clearly read and understand the pathway to success you're about to discover! Once you get him back, you'll be able to keep him for good!
I can almost guarantee you that at some point, he will come back to you. That is what this plan focuses on - getting him back and keeping him.
Learn About the No Contact Rule
Regardless of where your search for information on how to get him back fast began, you've seen countless references to the No Contact Rule. You've probably bypassed it because you don't want to stop contacting him. What if he just forgets about you? How does implementing the No Contact Rule help?
How to Get Him Back Fast | Allow Him to Overcome the Negativity
Your ex broke up with you, which means he has negative feelings about you and/or your relationship. If you keep contacting him with begging and pleading texts, miss you texts and so on, you're only compounding his negative feelings.
Instead, allow him time to process them. You broke up because something was broken. You both need time to step back and assess what that was. By implementing the No Contact Rule, you are allowing both of you time to overcome the highly emotional state you're in and begin to feel less negativity toward one another.
Men don't manage emotions as well as women do and he needs time alone to process his. This is why the No Contact Rule is so important, especially at first.
He Needs to Start Missing You Again
Using the No Contact Rule allows him to miss you. At first, you're the last person he wants to see, hear or think about. He doesn't want to miss you, but after he's had time to process his negative emotions, he will be able to miss you again, especially if you send the letter, which you'll learn more about soon.
He is far from missing you right now. He's not in a place to recall happy times. He's still hurting or angry over whatever pushed him to the point of breaking up the relationship. This time apart from you allows him to get there sooner.
You Both Have Time to Heal
By maintaining contact with him, you aren't allowing yourself, or him, time to heal the wounds of the breakup. Regardless of whether you get back together or not, there is healing to be done over this breakup. Any reconciliation is a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one. Why would you want to continue a relationship that was broken?
You're Both Forced to Deal With Where You Are
Right now, you want to pretend nothing happened. This was all a misunderstanding and it didn't really happen. He, on the other hand, might want to keep you around as a "Plan B". If his singles life doesn't work out as he thinks it might, he can come back to you. If you break contact, he suddenly has less hope of using you as his option.
It's time for you to embrace being single. This is a powerful time for you to grow and rebuild your confidence, assess what happened and how you can move forward. You can't do that if you're spending all your time begging him back.
If you'd like to learn more about how the No Contact Rule helps get him back, shoot over to We Can Get Your Ex Back, a sister site to this one. There, you will learn how to implement the rule and what to do if he contacts you during no contact.
No Contact Rule Exception #1: The Letter
If you read Amanda's letter above, you read about the impact the letter had on her ex. But what is the letter? Why was it so impactful?
About a week after your breakup, no longer than two weeks preferably, it's time to write a letter to your ex. This letter is short and sweet and has a few very important criteria:
- It is SHORT - much shorter than you'll want it to be
- It is IMPACTFUL with one great memory the two of you shared, not two or three, ONE
- It is HANDWRITTEN in your script, not typed
- It is SENT THROUGH THE MAIL, not text or email, snail mail - you remember, with stamps and envelopes 🙂
- It is signed "GOODBYE, JOHN" {his name inserted of course}
The Letter goes something like this:
Dear Gregg,
I wanted to send a formal goodbye. I hate that we ended things on such a bad note and I need closure. I will miss going hiking with you on the local trails and will always smile when I pass our tree.
Goodbye Gregg,
Kate
I know you want to write more, but he won't read it if it's any longer. This one memory, which should be one he also carries with fondness, will deliver a punch to his gut, as will "Goodbye" with his name.
All of a sudden, you're dumping him! in three quick sentences, you turned the breakup on it's head. Job well done!
Do you want to get your ex back?
Check out this proven Five Step Process to Get Him Back! Work your way through these five steps and:
- Feel less emotional
- Figure out what happened to end the relationship
- Rebuild your confidence
- Toy with his psyche
- Plan your meeting with him
As you're reading, many men come back months later. Taking these five steps helps guarantee that your new relationship will be a success!
The Slip In/Slip Out Method of Contact - No Contact Rule Exception #2
This method of breaking the No Contact Rule is fun, but is not for use now. This is for later, when your confidence has increased, but since we're talking about the No Contact Rule, it fits here.
When your confidence is higher, you can use what I like to call Slip In/Slip Out. The way it works is simple. You send your ex a text, something like one of these:
- Hey Gregg, I wanted to wear my red sweater this weekend. Can you box it up and set it on the porch? I'll swing by later to get it.
- Hey there! Do you remember the name of that cute little restaurant in Carmel? We're heading out there next weekend and I wanted to be sure to go there again
- What was the name of that ski instructor at River Valley? I'm going to try skiing again, since we're getting such good snow!
Each of these tells your ex that you're moving on in some way, indirectly. Meanwhile, he's wondering where you want to wear that red sweater, who you're going to Carmel with and why you've decided to take up skiing again. You're changing and moving forward, instead of wallowing in his absence, like he thought you were. This has the same effect as the letter. It turns the breakup on it's head.
The key to this method of contact is that once this short conversation is over, you let it drop. If he replies, fine, stay aloof and don't start talking about how much you miss him or how much you wish you were back together. If he continues, you can end the conversation by saying something like, "Well, I've gotta run. I have Yoga class in fifteen and I don't want to be late!"
How to Get Him Back Fast By Understanding What You Can and Cannot Control
You experience a lot of anxiety and frustration by trying to control things that aren't really in your control.
Anxiety comes when you play out a future conversation or scenario by imagining you can control the actions of someone else, for example.
Frustration shows up when you try to control someone or something that is really beyond your control.
Understanding what you can and cannot control will help you move forward in a healthier, less anxious and less frustrating manner.
What You Can Control
You Can Control You - and ONLY You
What you can control is very simple - you. The only person you can control is you.
In your quest to learn how to get him back fast, you must learn to control the one thing within your power. You. But how? What does this mean?
It means you learn to understand your emotions and how to take control of them.
You are and will continue to experience a myriad of emotions, all relating to the stage of grieving the loss of your relationship that you're currently in.
Regaining control of your emotions is crucial in moving forward. It's nearly impossible to think rationally when you're so emotional. In order to use the best of your mind, you need to have a balance between your emotional mind and your rational mind.
You Can Control Your Behavior
What does it mean to control your behavior? It means being less reactive and more proactive with your actions. Reactive people say things like this:
- I can't believe you made me so angry
- You made me do that
- I'm going to lose my mind if you [insert behavior of someone else]
- I swear if that jerk pulls out in front of me I'll lose my sh#t
You deflect the ownership of your reaction to someone or something else. You're reacting a specific way because someone else forced you to. Actually, you're making a choice, as evidenced by your words, to be honest. I'm going to lose my mind indicates your own ownership, yet you pass it off on someone else, as if it's their fault.
Every reaction you have to something is fully within your control. It isn't someone else's fault that what they said made you angry, it's your own. You chose that as your reaction, whether you realize it or not. It's just easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility.
When you're proactive with your emotions, or controlling them, you take a few seconds to choose the reaction you want. You might still decide to be angry, but own it, don't blame someone else for it.
I feel very angry over our discussion and I need a few moments to calm down before we continue. Now, you own the emotion. You choose it.
Gaining owership over your emotions and reactions is very powerful. It helps you act and feel less like a victim and more like a woman in charge! It also helps you rebuild your confidence.
How to Get Him Back Fast | These Actions are Ruining Your Chances
Now that you know you can control your behaviors and emotions, read through this list of behaviors that are ruining your chances of getting him back. To learm more about these behaviors and how to stop them, read this.
- Freaking out when you discover he's dating someone else
- Calling and texting him all the time
- Begging and using pity to try to get him back
- Showering him with love and affection
- Letting him walk all over you
- Using name-calling and anger
- Using obsessive behavior and misinterpreting his behavior
Control How Others Treat You | Setting Boundaries
What Are Boundaries?
How many times does someone do something that frustrates you, but you feel as if there's nothing you can do about it? If it's more than a couple times, you need boundaries. Boundaries form a line between what behavior you will and will not accept from other people. For example, if your guy is always late for your dates, do you say anything about it, or do you just hop in the car and go, pretending you aren't irritated?
As long as you continue to put up with someone else's bad behavior, they won't change. Now, I know this is a section on what you can control and I just spent a lot of words telling you that you can't control the actions of others, but you can control how they treat you by implementing boundaries. Let's use the late ex as an example.
You: Hey, Bob, what time are you picking me up tonight?
Bob: I'll be there around 7, maybe closer to 7:15 or 7:30. You know me.
You: Well, Bob, I'd like an exact time so I'm ready. Is it 7 or 7:30?
Bob: I will pick you up at 7.
You: Okay, I will be ready at 7.
Of course, we both know Bob isn't showing up at 7. He's showing up at 7:30 or later. So what can you do? There are two scenarios, both of which will establish your boundaries.
Scenario 1:
You: I'll tell you what, if I don't see you by 7, I'll meet you at the restaurant instead
Bob: Oh that's not necessary, just wait for me (i.e. he will be late)
You: No really. I'll leave here at 7 either way - your car or mine
Bob: Please just wait for me and we will go together
You: Really Bob, it's fine; if I don't see you here at 7, I'll see you at the restaurant a little after
At this point, you let the conversation go. A boundary crasher will want a reason and will continue to argue that he'll be there on time, but you have set the boundary and now your job is to uphold it. This example uses something called the rule of three. You restated your boundary three times in different ways, but clearly and consistently. He should have no doubt of what will happen if he's late.
Be prepared, though, that Bob might not show at all, sending a signal that he's acting like a child and probably needs to be let go from your life. He doesn't respect you enough to adhere to your boundary or show up when you bucked him a little bit.
Scenario 2:
When Bob arrives late, decline the date. Tell him you decided since he was so late and didn't have the consideration to call, you decided he wasn't coming and you've moved on with your evening. You could finish the initial conversation with a warning like this, "If you're not here at 7, we'll just cancel the evening." He will argue and want to know why, but you must establish boundaries and hold tight to them. Use the rule of three as described above.
If Bob dumps you because of your boundary, again, he doesn't respect you and he needs to go anyway. A guy who is interested in you will do his best to be on time. Should he call and tell you he's running a few moments late, you can cut him some slack, since he had the courtesy to call. Sometimes things do come up.
How to Set Boundaries
To set boundaries, look at places in your life where you feel used or frustrated with how other people act around you. What bothers you? Is it that everyone expects you to say Yes to everything? Is it how they don't show up on time? Those are where you should start placing boundaries. To learn more about setting boundaries, read this!
The Consequences of Crashing Boundaries
As described above, there are consequences for crashing boundaries and this can be the most difficult part of setting boundaries, especially if your confidence is low. As your confidence grows, you will be better able to manage the consequences.
There are two types of consequences, logical and natural. The example above is a logical consequence. You're setting the consequence, not allowing events to take a natural course.
A natural consequence may occur when your guy comes home, freakishly drunk and asks you, again, to call him off work in the morning so he can stay in bed. Before he left to go watch Monday Night Football, however, you established a boundary:
You: I am not going to call you off work any more because you're too drunk to go in. Either come home earlier or don't drink so much. If you get fired, so be it.
Him: Come on, baby, I just want to have a little fun with my friends
You: And yet they all manage to control themselves so they can go to work the next day. No, I'm not calling you off work any longer.
Him: Please sweetie?
You: Nope, if you want to go out and get hammered, call yourself off
Again, you see the rule of three. Three times, you stated you weren't calling him off if he repeats his bad behavior. Your job now is to allow the natural consequence to happen, as hard as it will be. If he gets fired or reprimanded, it is his choice and not your fault. HE knows the consequences of his actions. He's just been using you to deflect them.
Your Anxiety
One of the instances when you feel least in control is when you're experiencing anxiety, and yet, you can control this too! That's great news right? Of course, the challenge is to recognize that what you're experiencing is truly anxiety.
Anxiety is an intense feeling of worry over something that hasn't happened yet. Rumination occurs when you worry about something from your past. Neither are healthy, but your focus right now is on anxiety, which sometimes hops on a stress sidecar. Right now, you're probably feeling stressed, so anxiety is a normal feeling. You have no idea how your future with your ex will shape out and your mind plays out various scenarios, over and over, none of them good.
What can you do?
First, understand that the gloom and doom you're predicting is not certain. It's your mind playing tricks with you. Remember, you cannot control the behaviors of others, only yourself, and you cannot control how someone else will react to what you say or do, no matter how many times you replay it in your mind. You must stop replaying the scene, over and over.
Self-talk is the best way to start the process. Right now, your self-talk is all negative. "When I reach out to him, he's going to blow up and then I'll never get him back." Instead, focus your energy in a healthier manner. "I'm going to do my best to regain control over myself and my emotions, rebuild my confidence and move forward. If I take him back, he'll be one lucky guy!"
I know this doesn't sound anything like what you're thinking right now, but you do have control over your thoughts so you can tell yourself these positive things and then work toward making them real.
There is much more to understanding anxiety and how to control it here.
What You Cannot Control
He's Dating Someone Else
When you first learn your ex is dating someone else, don't freak out. There are reasons for what he's doing and they aren't what you think!
First, understand that he's probably dating someone else to deflect the emotions of losing you. He can't handle the pain of the breakup any better than you, so he chooses to date as a way to avoid his feelings.
When you freak out about it, you validate the negative feelings he has toward the relationship and you don't want to do that! Instead, consider this new woman a sister. She will likely get dumped, just like you did and she deserves your respect. She probably doesn't know he's fresh out of a breakup.
Even though he might look happy in his social media posts, he isn't. He's putting on a happy face because that's what society expects of a man. Men don't show when they're upset. It's not manly, or so many believe.
His dating will bring up many questions for you like:
- Are his friends and family comparing me to her?
- Why do I love/hate her?
- How can I avoid getting angry all over again?
Find the answers to these questions here.
His Actions and Emotions
As much as you'd like to, you cannot control the actions and emotions of your ex. The things you're learning here are designed to get him back indirectly, which means by doing things that impact you and will intrigue and entice him. You aren't using trickery or games, just working on rebuilding your confidence and getting your emotions under control.
Setting boundaries is one way in which you may feel as if you're controlling him, or anyone else, but you aren't really. You're merely establishing guidelines for how you will accept the treatment of others. It's still within their control to either acknowledge and respect your boundaries or find themselves out of your life. Those who want to be with you will respect your boundaries and those who don't will not be welcome. Period. They're still in control of themselves.
His actions and emotions aren't what you think they are either. You see him dating and think he's moving on, but he isn't. He also isn't showing his true emotions, and trying to guess what they are is pointless.
Instead of focusing so much energy on him, focus that energy on yourself and moving forward.
How to Get Him Back Fast | Assess the Relationship & Breakup
Relationship Deal Breakers
There are many relationship dealbreakers, but here, you'll learn of the top three:
- He abused you
- One or both of you are abusing drugs and/or alcohol
- You don't have enough history together
He Abused You
Neither you nor anyone else deserves to be abused. Never. Whether you suffered from physical, sexual or emotional abuse, or God forbid, all three, you should not take him back under any circumstances at this time.
A person, man or woman, who feels it's okay to treat another human being in this way has serious emotional control issues and needs intensive psychotherapy before they can be in a relationship again. I don't care how much he claims to love you, he's lying. He doesn't love you, he likes having someone to take out his anger and frustration on. Period.
Any form of abuse is uancceptable and there is also no acceptable excuse for it. No, you didn't do anything to make him choose to hit or abuse you. No, you don't deserve it. No, there isn't one blessed thing you can do to make him stop except leave.
I cannot and will not ever condone returning to an abuser. Instead, seek your own therapy and learn how to love and respect yourself again. Allow a professional to teach you how to rebuild your confidence, self-esteem and self-worth again. Do what you must to protect yourself from an abuser. I know it's easy to say all this and much more difficult to really leave. He might be threatening to harm you or your children or even himself. He may stalk you and do everything he can to make you feel as if your only recourse is to return to him.
There are people who can help you. First, find a safe place to go, maybe in a new town. At the very least, find a shelter for abused women. They are equipped to help you. I know that if you're in this situation, you feel hopeless but please know that people want to help you. Once you're safe, seek that professional help. Learn how to defend yourself, see a therapist and begin to understand and build your self-worth. Go to law enforement and discuss him with them.
If, and only if he seeks his own therapy and can prove to you, over a very extended period of time, that he has infact regained control, you can think about a new relationship, but don't pin your hopes on this. It's a big IF and it would take quite a long time, perhaps a year or more.
One or Both of You are Abusing Drugs and/or Alcohol
When one or both of you are abusing drugs and/or alcohol, you're in a fully co-dependent relationship. One is using and one is enabling. Both need help dealing witht their end of the problem. Substance abuse, or any other addiction like food, sex, porn or gambling, requires intense therapy and reflection. It is a solo activity and must be dealt with through professional intervention.
I know a woman who is now forty years old. Eight to ten years ago, she had a successful career as a flight attendant and she loved it. Then, she slipped in the shower and broke her neck. She ended up on painkillers and became addicted. Since that time, she has entered and exited rehab multiple times, always relapsing. Most recently, however, she has been in rehab for almost six months with support of her father, who is supporting her efforts by providing her a home and a car to drive back and forth every day to her meetings and classes.
Despite wanting to rehabilitate the other times, something wasn't quite right yet, but this time, she seems to be on the road to recovery. Removing an addiction from your life is not a short-term endeavor. It takes strength and motivation every waking moment of every day. It also takes dealing with the issues that caused you to turn to substance abuse in the first place. Usually depression plays a role and the continued depression makes it harder to overcome the addiction unless you treat it as well.
Take time out and heal yourself, whether you're the addict or the enabler. Find meetings or a rehab facility and face the treatment with strength and resolve. Don't even think about getting into a relationship until you can take care of yourself again. If he's the addict, allow him months, if not a year or more, to recover and become whole again.
If, and only if, you both seek treatment, there is a chance for a new relationship between you, but know that it's months, if not a year or more away.
You Don't Have Enough Memories Together
As you learned above, one of the ways you can entice him back is by sending him the letter and using the slip in/slip out method of contact. However, if you haven't been together very long, you might not have enough memories or experiences between you to make this work. If you've only done one great thing together, it's not enough to give him that sucker punch to the gut.
What the letter does is to stir his memories of your time together. Just because you only mention one doesn't mean his mind doesn't wander to the many other times you did things together and built intimacy.
A relationship that's weeks or even just a few months old might not be one you can resurrect. That's the timeframe under which you're still getting to know one another and chances are, he decided he wasn't that into you and got out before things got too deep.
If your relationship was young, look back on it for yourself. Did your gut say he was the one, really or did you still have doubts? Be honest with yourself and don't allow chemistry to alter your answer. It's possible to have great chemistry but still be incompatible.
I know it's hard to hear that there's not a great chance of reconciliation, but wouldn't you rather know now than after you've spent weeks or months still hoping something can happen? A relationship this young came to its natural end and as much as that sucks, the best you can do is work on regaining control of your emotions, assessing what went wrong so you don't experience the same mistakes again, and rebuild your confidence so you can find a new great guy who's a better fit.