I love that you read my books and email me with your questions! I do find, though, that I see some of the same questions over and over. You can find answers to some of my most commonly asked questions below. If your question still isn’t answered, I’d love to hear from you!
So your ex has left you? Maybe for another woman, maybe he just left. You’re feeling alone, distraught and desperate. What can you do?
Short of reading my book How to Get Your Ex Back Fast, you have to resist the urge to do everything you want to do! The book goes in depth to explain the best steps, but you can start off by not acting like you are pursuing him – this is what he expects. Instead, for today and the near future, stop all communication! Then, remain aloof and a little bit disinterested. Begin to build a life outside of this guy – new hobbies, new social networks, routine changes and he will become rattled! Why? Because he is watching you and he EXPECTS you to be at his beck and call still. When he sees (on social media and through acquaintances) that you are surviving perfectly fine – SNAP, Mr. Ex questions the break.
You seem to be drawn to addicts but these relationships never seem to work out for you. Why?
Dating drug addicts, porn addicts, alcoholics and even workaholics is the same as asking for a failed relationship before you ever get started. While everyone has baggage, your goal is to go into a relationship with as little baggage as possible with someone who also has very little baggage. Addicts not only have baggage, but they’re still lugging it around. I call these men ‘wet kittens’ and many are undateable. Instead, choose from the LION bin and your relationship will have a shot.
You feel like you’re turned yourself inside out for this guy. You might be saying things like “I do so much for him” or “he is really damaged from another relationship”. You try to cut him some slack – go easy on him, not upset him. You want to “help him”, you don’t want to “hurt him”? Well…
BULL! You’re forgetting about YOUR needs! Forget about his needs for a minute and realize that we all have ‘stuff’ from our past that makes us a little damaged. You need to resist the urge to try to fix this man. A man must fix himself, he cannot love you if he doesn’t love himself. Give him this time by going aloof and use it wisely to work on yourself. Treat him like man, not a boy, and make him earn his way into your life by solving his own issues. Don’t come running whenever he calls. Make him feel like HE is losing YOU. This will motivate him to solve his own problems.
So your guy was all lovey-dovey with you for a while, and now he’s pulling back some. Maybe he has stopped calling or his texts are coming less frequently. What’s a girl to do?
I call this going ‘rogue.’ You’re too available for him! You have made this guy your project. You have removed any challenge that he once found in dating you and he is bored. You need to change your patterns. If you usually went out with the girls on Tuesday nights, switch it up to Saturday nights. Take a class in something that interests you. Be less available to him, and when you do speak, keep things on a “Sorry I haven’t responded so much lately, I’ve been busy” level. This shows him that you are a high value woman and that you can survive without him.
Reading my book How to Get Your Ex Back Fast will give you more tips on reeling this guy back in, and for the price of a cup of coffee and a couple hours of time, you can get much more detailed advice!
You just found my books but it’s been quite some time since you’ve communicated with your man. How long is too long before sending “the break up letter” is too long?
The letter is designed to shock him, so it is best sent soon after the initial break up. In my book I state 4 to 5 days after no contact. Beyond that, it is less effective. A month is still okay, two months is pushing it. Three months and forget the letter. BUT – all is not lost. If he remains MIA, what you need to do is the “slip in slip out” technique. Send him an article that might interest him or a fun pic. Now, you’re back on his mind AND you’re showing him that you’re cool being his friend. DO NOT put in there any “I miss you” type of emotional girly stuff and don’t pressure him to get together. This allows the contempt to dissipate and he will start to remember the good things.