Why Is He Texting Me If He’s Not Interested and What to Do

Why Is He Texting Me If He’s Not Interested and What to Do

Why is he texting me if he’s not interested? You’re here for that answer because it’s aggravating you and you’re confused. You met him and you like him, he’s texting you, but he still seems disinterested. He’s hot and cold, keeping you on the hook but not pulling the trigger. He texts, but he never asks you out. What gives?

Why is He Texting Me if He’s Not Interested? You’re Second Choice

The truth is he might have a regular girlfriend, but he’s found you and you make a good Plan B. If he’s already a little bored in his other relationship, he may be looking for alternatives.

He’s still considering whether he’ll stay in the old relationship or choose you instead, so he’s texting you even though he doesn’t have a plan.

He has options and he thinks he’s all set.

He Only Wants Sex

It’s possible he wants a friends-with-benefits relationship, at least for now. Very often when you’re left asking, why is he texting me if he’s not interested, this is the answer.

A man will have sex with a woman if he finds her the slightest bit attractive. This doesn’t mean he wants to marry her. In fact, a woman who will sleep with him too soon is often the furthest thing he wants as a long-term mate.

The woman he wants to make a commitment to has her act together and wouldn’t give in to sex too soon. I distinguish these two types of women in this way: rest stops and keepers. The rest stops are the women men date to have sex with. They’re the women men date until they find the keeper. The keeper is a woman who is confident, has a good job, is financially sound, and challenges him.

Obviously, you want to be a keeper. If you fear you’re a rest stop, there are ways to change.

Why Is He Texting Me If He’s Not Interested

He’s Lonely

It’s possible that the answer to why is he texting me if he’s not interested is that he’s lonely. He may just be looking for someone to fill the gaps and ease his loneliness. If this is the case, one of these scenarios is probably the reason:

  • He just moved to the area and doesn’t know anyone
  • He just got out of a relationship
  • The two of you just broke up
  • He has a crush on another woman who won’t give him the time of day

Loneliness sucks, so having a friend to talk to can be a nice way to feel a little better. It’s possible your relationship could turn into something more, but he might be hurting right now and just needs a friend. If you’re fine being his friend, it’s all good.

Sometimes people click via text. This is especially true if you met him online and haven’t met yet, or you’ve met once or twice but there was no obvious chemistry.

The attraction is in the banter. You seem to gel conversationally, but in person, everything falls flat. You might be a laugh riot in text and he’s fully entertained by these conversations.

If you want this guy to get serious, back off on being so entertaining. Make him see you in person to discover your witty banter and be entertained.

He’s a Player

I almost hate to bring this up because it’s a yucky answer to the question of why is he texting me if he’s not interested.

Some guys are players and the only reason they’re showing interest in you is that you can better their lives in some way. Usually, it’s with sex, but sometimes it’s status. You have a good job and therefore increase his social status, or you drive an expensive car, again increasing his social status.

Chances are you’re not the only female he’s engaging with right now. There are probably several others. He’ll text you for a while, then he’ll ghost you and turn up again a few weeks

He found someone else who was offering him more than you were, but she figured out his games and left, or her usefulness in his life diminished. Either way, this guy isn’t worth your time and energy.

Oh the Mysterious Ways of Men!

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Why is He Texting Me if He’s Not Interested | He’s Insecure

Players lack confidence. That’s why they’re attracted to women with low confidence. They exude confidence, but their confidence is strictly in their ability to get into your pants because they’ve practiced it a lot.

A man who is insecure might not be a player. He could be inexperienced with women, or he might not feel that he’s lovable. He could also fear rejection, so a good move for you may be to ask him out.

Show him you’re interested in him and boost his ego a bit. If you like him and you want to see where it can go, take the chance. If he still says no, it might be time to cut him loose.

His Ego Needs a Boost

It’s possible that when he’s with you, he gets an ego boost. Around his friends, he’s a schmuck, but when he has a beautiful woman or a woman who improves his social status, his ego gets a boost.

His self-esteem isn’t that high, but when he’s with you, he feels better about himself. He was able to snag a beautiful woman. Woohoo. In his mind, this says he can get any woman he wants, or at least he wants people to think that.

why is he texting me if he's not interested

Why is He Texting Me if He’s Not Interested | He’s Not Sure What He Wants

This guy is probably afraid of a commitment. This type of guy wants you in his life, but he’s scared to death that you’ll want more than he can offer.

Because he really does like you and probably wants a relationship with you, he keeps texting you. This is his way of maintaining a connection and keeping you on the hook.

He’s so fearful of commitment, but at the same time, so attracted to you.

This is a huge conflict for a man, and he might not understand the reason for his inability to commit.

He’s Bored

He hasn’t texted you for weeks, if not months, then he starts again. You’re boggled and wondering why is he texting me if he’s not interested. He probably has a lame excuse for his absence in your life, but he realized how much he misses you.

This is all a bunch of garbage. He’s feeding you the lines he thinks will work to enable you to forgive him and keep talking to him.

The reason he was gone is that he found someone else. The reason he is back is that she left him because she figured out he wasn’t going to commit.

You don’t need to be any man’s boredom buster. You can do better!

Why is He Texting Me if He’s Not Interested? He Likes the Attention

This guy has an overwhelming need to feel admired and wanted, but it isn’t so overwhelming that he wants to make a commitment to you.

All he wants is your attention. He just needs to feel that he’s desirable. You probably text him more than he texts you. You reply with longer texts while he gives back the bare minimum.

The best way to handle this is to slow down how often and how much you reply. Give less entertaining texts and reduce the engaging replies you send.

He’s Just out of a Relationship

This is kind of like dealing with a man who’s lonely, except this guy has baggage to unload. His wounds are fresh and while he likes the attention he’s receiving from you, you’re just filling in a gap for him.

He really misses his ex, whether he realizes it or not, and your texts are keeping him going while he sorts through the breakup.

This guy is a mess inside. Whether he broke up with her or vice versa, he has a lot of stuff to deal with. Getting into a relationship with a guy who just ended another one is never a good idea.

why is he texting me if he's not interested

He’s a Shy Guy

People who are shy are often misunderstood. They’re perceived as being snobby or standoffish when they’re not. They’re simply not outwardly comfortable.

Texting is safe for a shy guy. He doesn’t have to risk rejection if he’s only texting you.

Texting is his safety net. He feels more comfortable tapping out a conversation than having one with you in person.

If your guy is a shy guy, you can ask him out. This increases his security because he now feels there’s less of a chance of rejection. As he gets to know you, he’ll come out of his shell, if you accept him for who he is and don’t push him too far too fast.

Why is He Texting Me if He’s Not Interested | He’s Worried About the Opinions of Others

He’s texting you because he likes you, but there’s a roadblock in advancing your relationship. He’s worried about what others will think.

This worry might come from how you met. Some folks don’t like to admit they met online while others worry about meeting at a place they don’t want to admit to, like a bar or club.

Another reason he might be afraid of other people’s opinions is if there’s an age discrepancy or you’re ethnically different. I once coached a woman whose husband was from Jamaica. Her family was from Portugal and not very accepting of not only racial differences but people from other countries.

Even though they both lived in the U.S., her family still held these beliefs. Under those circumstances, it would be difficult to share a love interest.

He’s Unsure of What You Want

Somewhere along the way, women were taught to be coy and elusive with men. This isn’t helpful because men don’t pick up on cues very well. Men need you to be a straight-shooter.

If he’s confused about what you want from the relationship, he’ll hold back to avoid rejection.

Being coy and elusive sends him mixed messages. One minute, you seem to be interested in him, then you spend a lot of time being aloof or vague.

It’s fine to be aloof with a guy if he loses interest or seems to be going rogue, but otherwise, don’t play games like that. Men are simply clueless to the whole thing and the message you’re trying to send is lost.

Why is He Texting Me if He’s Not Interested | He’s a Dating Rookie

Some men, especially young men, have limited dating experience. Even a man whose first relationship started when he was young but lasted a long time will be inexperienced.

He might not really know how to behave in a dating relationship. This doesn’t make him undesirable; it just makes him unsure of how to proceed.

Be patient with this type of man. He wants to date you, but he’s unsure of what his next move should be. You may need to guide this relationship a little and help him out. Provide him with obvious cues as to what you want.

“Hey, let’s go to a movie this weekend.” This way, he has come ideas of what to do next time.

While I encourage patience, don’t wait too long for this guy to get his dating sea legs. He should start to figure it out after a while. The guy who doesn’t probably needs to practice on someone else.

Why Is He Texting Me If He’s Not Interested and What to Do

How can you handle a guy who texts but seems disinterested? A lot of that answer depends on the reason for his actions. If he’s a player or using you for status or boredom busting, it’s time to exit the relationship. Although that’s not even right because you don’t really have a relationship with this type of guy.

If his issue is his own lack of security or confidence, you can try being patient with him. Guide him along and let him know you’re interested in him. Make the first move and see if he improves with time. If he doesn’t, you’re best off cutting your losses, but if he does, you’ve probably won yourself a loyal man.

You should be able to have an honest discussion with him about how you feel. Don’t be accusatory but let him know how his actions are impacting you. This won’t work for a player or a guy who’s using you for some reason that only positively impacts him. It will work for a guy who’s struggling with his emotions and insecurities.

Use “I” language. It’s much harder to dispute someone’s statement if it’s an “I” statement. For example, “Gregg, I feel like you want to do things together, but you never ask. It makes me feel as if you don’t really want to be with me.”

If you exit the situation and he’s not a player or a user, he may come to realize the loss of you in his life. In that instance, he might discover that he wants you back and will make a better effort to win you back.


The bottom line is that you deserve a guy who can pay attention to you and be there for you. If the guy you’re texting with right now isn’t that guy, it may be time to move on.

If a guy is texting you but doesn’t seem otherwise interested in dating you, the choice is yours on how to proceed.

Just make sure you don’t stay out of fear of being alone. Stay because you believe he has the potential to be a better guy and you want to see where it can go.

If you find that you’re in this situation too frequently, it might be time to try Riding Solo for a while.

Knowing how to not date a jerk includes embracing your single life and taking the time to become a confident, independent woman. Riding Solo, a book written specifically for women who want to do just that, walks you through overcoming the stigma of being single on to becoming that independent, confident woman. This places you in the best possible position to find and date wonderful, great men who are not jerks.

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