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Do Your Surroundings Suck?

Do Your Surroundings Suck?

Are you surrounded by toxic food? Toxic work ethics? Toxic people? It occurrs to me, through my coaching, that many of you cannot get out of your own way, not because you aren’t trying, but because your surroundings are detrimental to your growth. To put it bluntly – your environment sucks! Hello again, Gregg here to weigh in on this important subject! I’m sorry, but if your roommate just shoves tacos down her throat while watching reality shows with her loser boyfriend all day, and your Mom calls every afternoon wondering what you are going to do with your life, then it’s time for change. Misery loves company – and it’s time to take a hard look at what is contributing to your own misery. Change comes from within, but to begin making changes, it is important to surround yourself with a support system that motivates you, not one that holds you back. As part of your new vision and goals, there must be a clause stating how you are going to break free from the “bad company.” And I’m not talking about the 80’s band here.

Talk to your friends and family and get them on board with your goals.

Ask them to support you, and maybe even join you, in reversing weight gain, taking on a new career or in your effort to quit smoking. You will be surprised, when you ask them, just how supportive they can be. If they aren’t, then lose these friends or (in the case of family) limit your exposure to times when you can handle their misery.

Reach out to new people

I talk about having mentors in your life all the time. Go out, find, and follow these people. Make new friends and hang out with the winners. These are the few that share your passions, love to try new things, and have the ability to shut down their electronics for a second to share an actual thought!

Clean out your environment

Unplug the Xbox, clean out the junk food in the cupboards and launch Shaun T’s T25 CD workout, then watch your endorphins dance after this massive calorie-killing workout! Have your kindle or IPad charged and beside your favorite chair, loaded with my dating books! Set up an area outside so you can get out there during nice weather and do a few activities. Inside, make a few changes that will symbolize the changes to come. Make things brighter and throw some positive sayings up on the wall. Set up a yoga and meditation area!

Conclusion

Your surroundings might be the roadblock to your success. Look around and take inventory. Make sure that your outside, negative influences are minimized, if not gone.  Incorporate these 3 things into your new goals (you are setting new goals, right?) and watch the magic happen!
The Role of Confidence in Dating

The Role of Confidence in Dating

If you read any of Gregg’s books, or many of the blog posts or pages on this site, you see the word “confidence” quite often, and you’re probably wondering why on earth we harp on confidence so much. It’s Kirbie today, and I’m going to start off by clearly defining what confidence is:

Confidence is knowing what you are good at, what kind of value you bring to other people, and being able to behave in a way that conveys your confidence to those around you.

Don’t confuse confidence with arrogance – something that is easy to do! Arrogance comes about when you believe you are better at something than you really are, but you act as if you’re providing more value than you really are. Confidence is hot. Arrogance is not.

Studies have shown that men are more attracted to the confidence a woman exudes with a smile than they may be to her overall attractiveness.

In the study cited above, men and women were both found to prefer a confident partner. Confidence makes a person seem more trustworthy – in other words, when you’re confident, men will believe your dating sales pitch!

Here are a few ways you may unknowingly be showing your lack of confidence

Giving reasons for things that happen

Let’s say you are walking up to meet your new guy and you trip over something. Someone who lacks confidence will immediately begin with “There must be a bump in the carpet there!.” A confident person will probably chuckle and say “oh well” IF they say anything at all!

Giving reasons for poor performance

Imagine you and your guy are out on a bowling date – you manage to bowl a 75. Your man may say something like – “Wow 75! You’re like a bowling pro!” Whether it’s a high score for you or a low score, a low confidence individual may say something like “Weeelllllll I had a blister on my thumb and my shoes were too tight”. Someone who has great confidence will probably say something like “YAY ME!”, IF they say anything at all! I might note that this type of criticism from him shows his lack of confidence!

Compensating for Inabilities

Nobody, and I mean nobody, is good at everything, despite their desire to be. A person who lacks confidence expects herself to be good at everything and tries to compensate when confronted. For example, let’s say one of your girlfriends says “Girl you look really beat today!” If you’re a confident individual, you may just say “Yea I had a rough night” or something like that. A person who lacks confidence might say “I’m never tired! I don’t need sleep!”

Body Language is Everything

We’ve all heard about using body language to our best advantage. This goes for confidence as well. That arms-folded, legs crossed body language not only shows you as being closed off, it indicates a lack of confidence. Confident people reserve this position for when they’re absolutely freezing OR they have been offended. It really says something when you use it right!

Perfectionism

This kind of goes back to our poor performance above. Perfectionists don’t feel that they can ever make a mistake. This is a dangerous mindset. It can cause you much turmoil and stress. It can even be debilitating to some individuals. Facing an environment where failure may occur can be paralyzing for some folks. This goes back to not having enough confidence to believe in your abilities to overcome mistakes. Confident people know mistakes are part of life. Rather than sweat mistakes, they realize that a mistake is a learning opportunity and they move on.

Inability to Accept a Compliment

If someone pays you a compliment, how do you react? Do you get embarrassed and uncomfortable? If so, this shows a lack of confidence. The confident person will hear a compliment and simply say “Thank you”. Nothing more, nothing less.

Maintaining Eye Contact

If you lack confidence, you probably find it difficult to maintain eye contact with someone. In a relationship, this can be very detrimental as maintaining eye contact helps build intimacy and shows you are paying attention. When you don’t want to maintain eye contact, you are really indicating that you don’t want someone to look too far past your façade.

Decision Making

I once knew someone who took more than a year to buy a car. At the time, I couldn’t understand it, but now I get it. Poor guy (still) can’t make a decision to save his life. This is a typical experience for people who lack confidence. They don’t believe in their ability to make a decision about even the most basic things, so the biggies, like a car, can be paralyzing.

This list of signs is not complete, but these are the highlights. Look through and think honestly about your own life. Do you do any of these things? You don’t have to do all of them, and I think most of us can see ourselves in one of them, but the trick now is to identify whether or not you do lack confidence, so that as you build your confidence back up, you will see it in your actions – and so will others!

What Who You Date Says About You – Part 3

What Who You Date Says About You – Part 3

Attract the Right Guy!

We have spent the last couple of weeks in “What Who You Date Says About You” talking about a variety of different personality types that men and women have and how they impact a relationship. Today, I want to focus on talking about how you can begin to attract the right guy.

If you’ve read any of my books, you know that I am all about giving the power in a relationship to the woman. In Who Holds the Cards Now, this is the central theme! What happens, though, if you’re not really in the right place to take that power? How can you get there?

The answer isn’t as tough as you might think. First of all, you should identify the type of guy you typically date, using Part 1 and Part 2. You may have dated more than one of those types in the past, but look at the “If You Think This is You” section under those different types.

Want to Understand the Different Types of Men and How to Date Them?

I had some fun writing Manimals because I got to describe different types of men, whether they’re datable or not and how to date them when they are. Because that didn’t seem like enough, I then profiled several types of women and paired them up. Now, you can identify which type of woman you are and learn which type of man might be the best fit for you!

In addition to these different types of men and women, the second half of the book contains:

  • Explanations on why you are dating the wrong type of guy now
  • An in-depth study of what I like to call the Relationship Train To Failure
  • 15 things every woman needs to know about men
  • My best-ever discussion on what challenge and mystery are, why they’re important and how to use both to your advantage!

That should help you begin to identify the areas you need to work on. Many times, it’s self-esteem, and that is definitely going to be part of building the new you, but you also need to dig deeper and understand yourself.

I want you to attract the right guy! I want you to have your pick of the litter – as long as you’re not picking wet kittens! Choose from the lion cubs instead! You’re asking – HOW?

Look at your life today. Are things in order? Where are you financially? Are you able to support yourself or are you taking help from Mom and Dad? You will need to get your financial house in order before you bring a guy into the fold.

What have you done so far in your life? Do you have great experiences to share? Even if you don’t have a lot of money, you can have great experiences – and I’m not talking about partying either! I mean real life experiences – the things that change you, even if it’s just a little bit.

This could be college, a trip to someplace new and kind of far away, learning a new skill or hobby, or even doing something a little off the wall like sky-diving.

Who do you look up to? Who do you go to for advice? Is there someone special in your life that you depend on for guidance and advice? If there is nobody, then it’s time you found someone.

Attract the right guy!

A mentor is a highly valuable resource. This person is the person you can count on to tell you the truth, not like your friends, who tell you what they think you want to hear.

Looking back through your life can be a lot of fun, or it can be a real drag. If it’s a drag, then you definitely need to do some work. Even if it is a fun exercise, you can still learn something from it.

My best selling book, To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself will give you more in-depth information on looking at these areas of your life, and more. It will give you a guide to follow to gain a better understanding of yourself and to begin attracting high value men, instead of those we have talked about over the last two weeks.

Part 1 What Who You Date Says About You

Part 2 What Who You Date Says About You

Are you ready to attract the right guy?

What Does Who You Date Say About You – Part 2

What Does Who You Date Say About You – Part 2

In Part 1 of this “What Does Who You Date Say About You” series, we talked about three distinct types of personalities: Mr. Pour on the Charm, Mr. Indecision and Mr. Diamond in the Rough. Some of you didn’t see your guy, but I think you will this week. In Part 2, we are going to look at a few more types: Mr. There’s Plenty of Time to Settle Down, Mr. What’s Yours is Mine, Mr. It’s All YOUR Fault, Mr. Sure Baby, Anything You Say and , of course, Mr. Married. This post is a bit long, so hang in there with me.

Mr. There’s Plenty of Time to Settle Down

This guy likes to use the phrase “maybe some day”. He probably has never been married and has had a string of short-term relationships in the past. There are all kinds of reasons why this guy hasn’t found ‘the right one’ yet. This type of guy has a fear of intimacy. When you begin asking for more out of the relationship, he disappears. You might ask him to meet your friends or your parents and all of a sudden, you don’t hear from him for a week or more. You’re left wondering what you said or did to make him mad. More signs that he’s commitment phobic:
  • He has a job that requires a lot of travel
  • You haven’t met his friends/family and he hasn’t met yours
  • He has never taken you to his house/apartment – or if he has, it’s a very sterile environment\
  • When you’re together, he’s Mr. Pour on the Charm
  • Your plans are always last-minute
  • He turns into “Mr. It’s All Your Fault”
  • He loves to chase you, but he’s not really interested in capturing you

And You

Dating this type of guy most likely means you’re needy. You attract men who want to rescue you but they don’t want to commit to you. You thrive on the snippets of attention that are thrown your way – it’s your crack. When you come into a relationship as the needy one, you give up all of your power. My book, “Who Holds the Cards Now” can help you regain that power.

If You Think This is You

If this is you, you probably spend a lot of time asking “What if” – “What if he found someone else?” “What if I made him mad?” “What if he wants out?” You need to learn how to squash those “what if” moments like a bug. You probably hold a vision of your guy that is based on how he was on your first date – charming, caring and willing to do anything to make you happy. That is not who this guy really is and you have blinded yourself to that truth.

Mr. What’s Yours is Mine

This guy is a leech. He takes from you – your money, your energy, your time, and he has nothing to give back, or if he does have something, he isn’t giving it to you. Understand the different types of menYou may be putting yourself at risk in some way to be the giver this guy wants you to be. Whether it’s a financial, physical or emotional risk, it’s bad for you with no consequences for him. Want to learn all about the different man types and how to date them? Get my best seller Manimals!

And You

Dating this type of guy all of the time means you are probably insecure and you have low self-esteem. You will take any guy who comes your way and the needy, clingy type is right up your alley.

If You Think This is You

The steps are clear here. You need to improve your self-esteem and become a secure, high value woman. All of my books address this in some way, but the most direct path to esteem and confidence is Comfortable in Your Own Shoes. You need to step back from the relationship scene long enough to regain your confidence. You should also read my newest book, To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself, which will help you take a journey of self-discovery to a more healthy, high value woman.

Mr. It’s All Your Fault

This guy treats you like a child and when he behaves badly, often like a bully, he blames you for his actions. “I had to yell at you, you can’t do anything right”. He probably treats you like a child, talking to you in a condescending tone of voice or sounding intimidating.

And You

If you’re dating this type of guy, then you may have trouble establishing and maintaining emotional boundaries. You would rather please someone else to win them over. You probably feel like nothing you do is good enough – no matter what, your partner is always unhappy.

If You Think This is You

This feeling of powerlessness comes from within you, and you are craving freedom from oppressing the emotions of anger and frustration that you feel all of the time. An excellent first step is to begin labeling what you feel when you feel it. You are driving in traffic and someone cuts you off – rather than suppressing your feelings, say out loud “that really made me angry!” The next time you just can’t seem to figure something out, say “I’m really frustrated right now”. It seems silly on the surface, but this will help you to truly identify your emotions and allow yourself to actually feel them.

Mr. Sure Baby Anything You Say

This time, it’s clearly your fella who has self-esteem issues. Mr. Sure Baby is an agreeable guy who has no opinions about anything and doesn’t have the confidence to express any that he might actually have. He thinks, and maybe says things like, “I don’t know why you want to date me” – negative thoughts about himself that confirm his lack of belief in himself.

Is he an apologizer?

He’s also an apologizer – “I’m sorry” is something you hear ALL of the time. He is always looking for validation from outside sources – sort of a “look at me and tell me I’m great” type of deal, mostly because he doesn’t believe it. Surprisingly, this type of guy is also likely to be a perfectionist. He feels that nothing can be done unless it’s perfect, so nothing ever gets done. Of course, this is really because he has no confidence in what he is doing, not because it’s imperfect.

And You

Dating this guy means that you’re probably a controlling person who likes to come off as if you have your stuff together. Mr. Sure Baby is your type of guy! He seeks out women like you because he sees things in you that he thinks he lacks. You probably have a set of expectations about every aspect of your life. Your house should be this way, your car should be that way. Your job should be progressing down a specific path. Everything must be in order.

If You Think This is You

It’s time to change your mindset about life. Your apartment doesn’t have to be spotless for you to have your friends over – they won’t notice anyway. Let go of your need to have everything follow a specific course or be perfect. You also need a boost in self-esteem. You are probably controlling because you think people won’t accept you if they can see your flaws. By wanting everything perfect or wanting to micromanage every step of a process, you can keep people from seeing your true self. It’s time to realize what a wonderful woman you are. Recognize your accomplishments and accept that most things don’t go as planned. Finally, examine how much anxiety you feel when you think things are not perfect or out of control. Read your body for signs of tension or anxiety like jaw or shoulders clenched or a racing heart. A good way to manage anxiety is through meditation or another form of relaxation like getting a massage or aromatherapy.

Mr. Married

Mr. Married may not actually be married, but he is in a committed relationship, maybe even engaged. Even if he is separated, he’s still married.

And You

Again, you probably  lack self-esteem, and you most likely don’t like yourself very much either. You are not only dating a cheater, but you are one. This is a very low level of self-esteem and self-hate. You are seeking out relationships that are guaranteed to fail. “He’s never going to leave her” is a line in a popular old movie “When Harry Met Sally”, where one of the supporting characters, dating a married man, is constantly trying to woo him to leave his wife. The standard response from her friends is “Nobody thinks he’s going to leave her”. Mr. Married has also been vetted by one of your cohorts – he’s married, so there must be an okay guy in there somewhere. He’s safe because you know another of your species has accepted him. He is also immediately unavailable for any real ‘future’, thus alleviating you of any worry about being all that he needs you to be, since you don’t have the esteem to believe you can deliver anyway. When he leaves, it is to be expected and you don’t have to consider yourself a failure.

If You Think This is You

You need to work on your self esteem NOW. You are better than this and it’s time you start acting like it! Read my books, see a counselor or do whatever it takes to begin to see the value you have. It goes without saying that you end the relationship – today. He’s never going to leave her – and even if he does – do you really want him? Find out who you are by reading To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself and begin to build a high value woman story.

Whew! What’s Up Next Week?

That was a long post, and thanks for hanging in there, but this is important information! Many of you are great at telling me what’s wrong with your guy, but often it’s hard for you to see what type of individual he is, or what it says about you. We never want to look for the flaws that we have, and yet, in order to date high value men, it’s necessary. Before you dismiss my suggestions, take a long hard look at yourself. If you don’t believe me, do a Google search on that type of guy – you will find all kinds of information to back me up!

So, Which One?

How many of these men have you dated in the past? Are you dating one right now? What are your next steps? In Part 3 I want to focus on talking about how you can begin to attract the right guy.
Your Journey of Self Discovery Starts HERE!

Your Journey of Self Discovery Starts HERE!

  To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself promises to help you dig deeper into yourself and uncover the behaviors that may have poisoned your past relationships. This book is different from my others – it’s not only confidence we are after this time, but a full understanding of yourself – stem to stern. When you finish with this book, you will have the tools in place to continue your journey of self discovery.

A Quick Story!

Let me share a story with you from one of my readers. As is the case with most of you, you reach out to me shortly after a breakup, panicky and ready to do anything to get your guy back. As you know, my advice to you is to cool your heels and spend some time on yourself. This was the case with Barbara, whose boyfriend asked for some “time off” from the relationship. Panicked and feeling dejected, Barbara contacted me after reading one of my books. We talked through her taking the advice in my books, step by step and, as time went by, she began to gain the strength to do the steps on her own! She stayed true to herself, and while she was tormented by his constant begging and promises, she stayed strong. This story probably sounds something like yours. “To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself” will take you deeper into your own actions and help you to begin surrounding yourself with the right people and life circumstances to attract the high-value man you deserve. The words and activities in this book will take your life to a new, confident level. Many of you have written that you feel you are confident, and perhaps you are, but then you go on to tell me that you are still attracting the same low-value men. That is where this book comes into play. It’s not just about confidence – it’s about the whole picture.

A Quick Question

You have a genie in a bottle. She will grant you one guy to spend the rest of your life with. Just one, no do-overs! What will this man be like? Tell me all about him! I can’t wait to read your comments!
The Importance of a Mentor! Why Your Girlfriends’ Advice Isn’t Cutting It

The Importance of a Mentor! Why Your Girlfriends’ Advice Isn’t Cutting It

You have been in several relationships, and yet, none of them has felt right – none of those guys were ‘the one’, in fact, all of those guys were ‘the same one’. You’ve tried asking your girlfriends for advice, but they aren’t providing anything truly helpful. This is where a mentor can help! My best-selling book, “To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself”, provides you with the tools you need to uncover the reasons why your relationships so far have not been fulfilling for you. The book gives you a pathway into yourself, bringing you out of your old habits and helping you to develop yourself in a way that enables you to attract that ‘right guy’.

The Importance of a Having a Mentor

So many times, ladies come to me with your stories of dating or marrying a guy, then suffering through the heartbreak of a break-up. You are feeling down on yourself, discouraged and hopeless. In one such example, one of my readers contacted me regarding a break-up where she was convinced that she was still ‘in love’ with the guy, but after several emails and coaching, she finally began to take my advice and activate the steps in “Who Holds the Cards Now” to grow her confidence and begin moving on. Ultimately, she began to realize that she actually didn’t want or need the old relationship and also that she needed to take time to explore herself before getting into another serious relationship. She will enter her next relationship a much healthier woman. Had this woman had a mentor, she may have been able to see where she needed to make changes much earlier in the relationship, saving herself great heartbreak and years of time lost on a doomed relationship. A mentor can help you to understand yourself. A mentor is someone you know and trust, someone who provides you with a good example of how to live your life. How many times have you wished that you had someone you could talk to, bounce ideas off of or tap into for really good dating advice? A mentor can be someone from your family, education, workplace, church or other area of your life. It is someone who you look up to, who knows you and understands your life and your challenges. A mentor is someone who has succeeded in the area you are questioning or currently failing at. You can have more than one mentor in your life. In fact, it is a good idea to have a few people in this role. But how many of us ever find a mentor before we get into trouble? Sure we hire shrinks but that is when it is too late. I want you to be pro-active not reactive. Having someone like this in your life helps you guide your decisions, both by being there to listen and provide feedback, and also by living their life in a way that provides you with a good example. A mentor sees your life more objectively than you do and holds you accountable for your decisions.

Book Preview

Follow me into the self-discovery process into learning all about YOU! Join me and learn about the power of mentors, financial independence and how “your story” can change your life and create happiness with yourself and your relationships. Meet Meghan and Jennifer and see how their stories merge with yours. It will be fun!

What’s Next?

In my final post on my new book, I will be sharing with you more information about the book and how it will help you understand yourself more fully.

Tell Me About Your Mentor

Tell me below in the comments about any mentors you have had. If you haven’t had a mentor in the past, tell me about the mentor you would like to have.
Stop Drawing in the Wrong Guy – Understand Yourself and Get the RIGHT Guy

Stop Drawing in the Wrong Guy – Understand Yourself and Get the RIGHT Guy

Your last relationship just ended. It was with the same type of guy you have dated five times before. You’re left wondering why you keep attracting the same type of guy, the guy who ends up being all wrong for you. What’s a girl to do? How do you stop drawing in the wrong kind of guy? It’s time to understand yourself better so you can start attracting the right man! “To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself” is one of my confidence books for women. It helps you dig into yourself to understand why you keep attracting a certain type of guy and what changes you can make to get the RIGHT guy!

Do You Have a Story?

As you look back through your life, can you tell an interesting story? Have you developed several hobbies – maybe cooking, hiking, traveling or dancing? Do you get out and hang with your friends, have adventures or otherwise go out and have a good time? Doing these things helps you to develop an interesting past – a story. Women with a great story are very interesting to men! We love to hear about how you climbed to the top of that mountain! We aren’t interested in women with no story – “I live with my parents and hang out with my friends partying 4 nights a week” is not the story quality men want to hear. In “To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself”, you will learn more about what kind of story men like and how you can develop a great story for yourself!

What is Your Confidence Level?

Often, women – and men – think they are more confident than they really are. Confidence is about not only understanding yourself, but accepting you for who you are. To be confident is to radiate happiness and peace with your life as it is right now. You are you, and you are okay with it. Many times, people think they are confident, but they are really just wishing for that confidence – if you are confident, you don’t need to walk around telling people – they know!

Next…

I’ll be back to you in a couple of days with more information on my new book. We’ll chat about the importance of having a mentor, another way to help understand yourself better.
“You have given me the best advice of anyone in six months including two very expensive therapists.” – Sue

Meanwhile…

Do you have a story? Let’s get a conversation started! Help other women by telling me what you want your story to be in the comments below.

About Me…

I have sold more than 70,000 books, providing dating advice to men and women with several  #1 Best Sellers. If my books aren’t #1 best sellers, it’s because they are #2 or #3 behind my number one! I wrote this book to help women in all stages of dating life, whether you’re currently single, in a relationship, or even married, there is something for you in “To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself”! You will know what to do to before you get into your next relationship, or what to do now to keep your current relationship in a good place.

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