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What to do When Your Boyfriend is Controlling

What to do When Your Boyfriend is Controlling

Do you know what to do when your boyfriend is controlling? Are you wondering how you can make this situation better?

People act in a controlling way for several reasons, most of which have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. For today’s purposes, we’re discussing a boyfriend who is controlling on occasion, but not 100% of the time.

Every relationship dynamic has its nuances. What worked for your parents or his might not work for the two of you. Your friends might have a relationship you just can’t figure out, but it’s working for them.

Recognizing whether your relationship is healthy and needs tweaking or is unhealthy is the goal of today’s post.

boyfriend is controlling

Do You Know if Your Boyfriend is Controlling?

First, let’s look at whether the behaviors your boyfriend is exhibiting are truly controlling. It’s human nature to want to control your environment, but someone who wants to control everything all the time might have something going on.

He Seems Paranoid and Insecure

The need to be in control is almost always rooted in insecurity. Most often, these insecurities center around:

  • Physical appearance – yours or his
  • His job security or performance
  • How do others view the two of you
  • Whether you might be getting the attention of other men
  • If he’s getting enough respect

These insecurities were around long before you came on the scene, so none of this is your fault. His emotions and self-image are fragile, and those things built up over many years. You may find out he was bullied at home or in school, or he was always told he was worthless, nothing. It’s sad, but it happens.

What Does it Look Like?

If he’s doing any of these things, this might be the problem:

  • Judgmental of others
  • Jealousy of other men, constantly critiquing them
  • He tests and questions your loyalty to him
  • He’s always looking for validation
  • While he can dish out the criticism, he can’t take it…at all
  • He showers you with gifts, to make up for what he perceives to be his failings
  • He always imagines he’s being disrespected

What Can You Do?

If his insecurity is minimal, like his performance in bed, for example, you can reassure him that he’s doing a great job. Men worry a lot about this, so it’s pretty normal insecurity. He might also feel insecure about his job, especially if he’s bucking for a promotion. Assure him that you love him just as he is, promotion or not.

If he seems to be paranoid, always questioning if you’re cheating on him or if another guy looked at you with too much interest, it’s time to have a heart-to-heart chat. Choose a time when things are going well between you, not a time when tempers are already flaring. Then, sit him down and explain that you aren’t interested in another guy and his paranoia is causing a problem between you. If he can control himself and his emotions, he’ll see the light and try to fix it, but if he denies it or gets angry, this might be the time you say goodbye.

Understand that you can’t fix this. Yes, your words of reassurance might help, but he needs to fix his stuff. Many women try to step in and smother him with reassurance, affection and appeasing actions, but this won’t work. If he’s acting in the extreme, you need to establish boundaries and stick to them.

It’s not okay for him to put trackers on your phone and car. It’s not normal to allow him to read your texts and emails. If you want him to, that’s one thing, but it’s not something he can demand. It’s okay for you to say no and if he can’t accept no, it’s time to leave.

He Feels the Need to Criticize You – All the Time

It’s fine for someone to say, “I’m not sure that shade of blue is the best color for you, babe,” because it’s once in a while and, odd as it might seem coming from a guy, it’s still harmless.

When the criticisms are constant and are intended to cause you to change your behavior, it’s problematic. When someone criticizes you all the time, the goal isn’t to help you better yourself with a new shade of blue, it’s to make you feel small, dumb, incompetent, and helpless. Chances are he feels that way and he doesn’t want to be with someone who feels better about themselves than he does.

What Does it Look Like?

Again, one comment every now and then is fine, but it’s the constant criticisms that are a problem. They might include:

  • Criticizing your physical features – you’re fat, you need a nose job, your boobs are too small, that sort of thing
  • He criticizes the way you pronounce things; we all come from different places and words are pronounced differently, or we learned to pronounce them incorrectly; it’s all good and we learn from hearing others, but his need to constantly correct you is no good
  • Your cooking is a constant bone of contention; of course, it’s not that he wants to cook, but he always has criticisms for yours – too much salt, too bland, too spicy, it won’t matter what you do, it won’t be good enough
  • He forces you to question your decision-making and your intelligence; he’s doing it to himself too so why not make you feel bad as well
  • You can’t do anything right, ever

These types of criticisms are meant to pull your power away from you, but I encourage you not to give anyone power over you and how you feel about yourself. This is all on him.

What Can You Do?

There’s no way everything you do is wrong; don’t allow someone to make you think that about yourself.

When I coach women who’ve experienced a breakup, I know she needs confidence building, and this is why. Breakups bring out the worst in people; often one partner tries to make the other feel small, dumb, and incompetent. Never allow someone to have that kind of power in your life.

Don’t rationalize his bad behavior. There’s no rational explanation for it other than his insecurities. Don’t explain it away or think he’s right. Sure, you might not pronounce a word properly, but who cares? It doesn’t change who you are.

While he might say he’s trying to help you be a better person, it’s a lie. If he were truly being a loving partner, he would provide constructive criticism like, “While I love this dress on you, I think the emerald green one really brings out the color of your eyes. You should wear that one more often!”

“Don’t you ever wear that ugly red dress again. It makes you look fat!” This statement is not helpful or constructive. It’s mean and controlling.

Having an open discussion might help. The best time to discuss something difficult is when you’re both happy and things are going well. Explain that you can’t constantly change every small thing about yourself, and you feel that’s what he’s asking you to do. This discussion will probably contain a breakup discussion, so be prepared to raise that possibility.

Know that you aren’t the one who needs to change. While he might be telling you how inadequate you are, these are his feelings about himself. If you can’t do anything right as far as he’s concerned, you’re not the girl for him. Period.

boyfriend is controlling

He Uses Threats and Ultimatums to Control Your Behavior

You don’t need to be threatened or manipulated. Nobody does, but a controller may use threats and ultimatums to try to control you.

What Does it Look Like?

Often, the threats center around him breaking up with you if you don’t do something his way:

  • If you don’t stop hanging out with your work friends, I’ll break up with you
  • If you don’t agree to marry me, I’ll kill myself – it’s extreme, but I know of someone who got married for just this reason
  • You need to go out with me Saturday night or I’ll post crap about you on social media
  • If you don’t make my dinner on time, I won’t take you to work tomorrow

Some of these sound utterly ridiculous but notice that they’re all ways in which he might feel out of control of a situation. When you’re with your friends, he can’t control you because you aren’t there. If you don’t marry him, how can he keep controlling you? He doesn’t want to lose another relationship.

He wants you to go out with him so you aren’t going out with someone else. If you’re making dinner on time, he knows where you are and what you’re doing. It goes on and on.

What Can You Do?

Dealing with threats and ultimatums can be scary, depending on the thread or ultimatum being issued. Someone threatening your life should be extricated from your life immediately. For some of these other threats, there are things you can try.

First, don’t give in. If you want to hang with your friends from work, do it, and if he breaks up with you over it, see ya later pal. You might think that agreeing with him or giving in will make him stop, but he’ll just find something else since the first time worked well for him. All you’re doing is giving up power. Nothing more.

Next, and this is a hard one to read I know, understand that someone who’s issuing threats and ultimatums doesn’t love you. If he did love you, he would turn himself inside out to show his love for you. These behaviors aren’t loving. Not even a little bit.

Lastly, get out of the relationship. This isn’t a fixable situation. Find a friend, a family member, or, an authority figure who can help you safely remove yourself from this relationship. You deserve someone who truly loves you for the wonderful person you are.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling You with Social Isolation

This is a classic control move. It’s little things at first, and it seems sweet. He’ll say, “Gee Babe, I’d really appreciate it if you’d cancel your plans with Sarah and spend the evening with me.”

The next thing you know, you never have plans with any of your friends or family. He either lies to you about them to make you believe they don’t want to hang with you, or he makes sure you can’t hang out with them.

This is done to avoid other people knowing how controlling he either is now or plans to be. He doesn’t want someone telling you that he’s wrong. He wants you to hear his voice and only his. That way, he can control every single aspect of your life.

Many controllers will also keep you from working an outside job, going to church, or participating in any sort of social group. He doesn’t want anyone to see the vacant look that you have, indicating how much of you he’s already sucked away.

What Does it Look Like?

At first, he’ll just complain about how much time you’re spending away from him. Then, if that doesn’t work, he’ll move on to criticizing your friends and family members. His goal is to get you to distrust the people you should trust the most and those you’ll lean on as he gets worse.

Then, he’ll make you feel guilty if you speak to those people and may even exact punishment. He doesn’t want others to see how he’s treating you. He wants full control.

Finally, he’ll threaten to either physically hurt you or leave you if you continue to contact the people he’s deemed unacceptable. He hopes that he’s made you rely on him enough that the thread of living without him will scare you into submission.

What Can You Do?

Don’t believe what he says about your friends and family. He might say your sister doesn’t want to talk to you anymore, but that’s a lie to distance you from her.

Your only real option, aside from not believing his lies, is to leave the relationship. If he’s trying to distance yourself from the people most important to you, he doesn’t have any great plans for your life together other than for him to demand and for you to obey. Do you want to lose all the important people in your life to live with one controlling individual? No, of course not.

There is no Trust

Trust is at the root of a great relationship. It’s something you earn and then strive to keep between you. While it’s normal not to fully trust someone you just met, you should allow a partner to earn your trust and vice versa.

What happens with a controller, however, is that he can’t trust you or anyone else. If you say you’re going to have ice cream with your bestie and you see him drive by, he doesn’t trust you. Wanting your passwords to your phone and email is another sign of distrust.

The thing is you probably haven’t done anything for him to distrust you. These are his insecurities, not your actions that are driving his behavior. He knows he’s not good enough for a great woman like you. His confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem are very low, and he knows you can do better.

What Does it Look Like?

You say you’re out with your friends for a girls’ night and he calls, constantly, to check up on you. Or, he might have a friend of his happen to show up where you’re supposed to be.

He might drive by to see if you’re where you said you would be or put tracking devices or apps on your car and phone.

You might catch him eavesdropping on your phone conversations or standing over you while you text or compose emails. You may even notice cameras hidden around your home as a way for him to watch you.

What Can You Do?

While you might be able to have a conversation about this with him and get him to stop. It depends on the level of behavior he’s exhibiting.

Again, have this conversation when things are happy and good between you. Explain to him that he’s making you uncomfortable by constantly spying on you and asking him what you’ve done to make him distrust you.

If this isn’t happening often or if this is the only thing he’s doing, he might not even realize the impact it’s having. He gets anxious because he can’t see you. His insecurity about himself tells him you’re out there and other men can see how great you are. In his mind, he’s about to lose you.

He needs to work on things, but pointing out to him that every time he’s checked up on you, you were where you said you’d be might help him realize he’s distrusting you for no reason.

Also, don’t lie to him about where you are going. That just confirms what he believes. Don’t lie about who you’re going with either. If you’re going out with three of your friends, say so. Don’t say, “I’m going out with Meg” if you’re going out with Meg, Sarah, and Elle. If he’s looking for a reason to distrust you, he’ll see that as a lie.

boyfriend is controlling

Your Boyfriend is Controlling When He Wants You to Feel Indebted to Him

A relationship doesn’t involve currency. What I mean by that is that he can’t buy you flowers and expect sex in return. Just because he bought you new earrings doesn’t mean he gets to tell you what to do.

What Does it Look Like?

Currency in a relationship comes in all shapes and sizes. Usually, however, in a controlling situation, it involves him buying you something that’s either just what you’ve been wanting or uber extravagant.

Now, in his mind, you owe him something in return. This is a nifty way to make someone dependent on you. You won’t feel you can get out of the relationship because you feel too guilty. Look at all the stuff he’s gotten for you or the things he’s done for you.

Poppycock! Those are all control maneuvers meant to make you feel exactly that way!

Things you never owe another person include sex, time, and the ability to express your opinion without fear of retribution.

You control who, when, and where you have sex with him or anyone else. Always. There is never a time when you owe someone sex. Read that statement a few times so it sinks in.

Time is a precious commodity, and in a relationship, you should make time for one another, but not at the expense of your life outside the relationship. Don’t give up your relationships with friends, family, or coworkers in lieu of time with him. You both need to maintain outside relationships to be healthy together.

Finally, you have and are entitled to your own opinion, and you should be able to express it, as long as you’re being calm and reasonable, without fear of being harmed.

What Can You Do?

There isn’t a way to fix this. He’s attempting to take away your freedom and that’s not something you should ever give away to anyone.

He’s Gaslighting You

This term comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight where a man tries to make his wife think she’s going insane so he can steal her fortune.

People do it today and it can really be harmful.

What Does it Look Like?

You won’t see gaslighting coming. Some, but not all who use this tactic are true narcissists and professionals at manipulating people to get their way.

An example of gaslighting might be if your partner agrees to meet you after work at a local hangout. You show up and wait, but he never shows. You call and text and he finally tells you that he never agreed to meet you. You know you made a date, but he’s making you second-guess yourself.

Another example is name-calling. It sounds basic, but this gets you to believe something about yourself that isn’t true. He might call you manic-depressive or crazy because you got a little moody. Since when did he get a license to diagnose?

He might question your decisions, and make you question them as well. Of course, he’ll shoot down any explanations you come up with, so don’t waste your time.

Anything a gaslighter does is meant to get you to question yourself and alter your perception of reality. In the movie, the man dims the lights, but when the woman asks if the lights just dimmed, he says no, making her believe she’s losing her mind.

What Can You Do?

Gaslighting is emotional abuse. Your only true recourse, once you realize what’s happening, is to end the relationship.

This is not a person who is invested in a relationship with you because he loves you. These aren’t loving behaviors.

Once you recognize that someone is doing this to you, and it’s probably been going on for months or even years, you stop sharing your thoughts and feelings with him. Disengage and work on getting out. He’ll continue to try and make you feel like you’re wrong and you’re crazy, but you aren’t. Sanity is beginning to emerge again for you and you’re seeing very clearly now.

He Makes Your Life Miserable when He Doesn’t Get His Way

If you stand up to a boyfriend who is controlling and go out with your girlfriends after he told you not to, expect the silent treatment or worse.

How dare you stand up to him! What on earth were you thinking?

What Does it Look Like?

It looks just like that. You did something that didn’t fit into his model for your life and he’s pouting. Other ways this might show up include:

  • Him flirting with other women if you don’t wear what he told you to on a date
  • Blaming you because he didn’t get the promotion he wanted
  • Any form of physical abuse for something he claims you did wrong

What Can You Do?

This is not a sign of a healthy and happy relationship. You can try to discuss his behavior with him by telling him that his revengeful behavior hurts you and your relationship. If this is the only thing he’s doing or if he’s just starting this behavior, he might recognize his bad behavior and try to stop.

More likely, he’ll refuse to discuss this with you because deep down, he knows he’s wrong. He’ll never admit it and therefore you won’t make any headway in having a discussion.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling When He’ll Love You – Conditionally

If a guy loves you, he loves you for who you are today and who he thinks you have the potential to become. Sometimes, when you meet someone, you can see they’re working toward something, and you can see their potential. That ambition can be sexy and attractive.

If a guy only loves you if you lose weight or if you stop going out with that one friend of yours, he doesn’t truly love you to begin with.

What Does it Look Like?

  • My friends would probably like you more if you were smarter
  • I’d love you more if you’d stop wearing your hair that way
  • I love you so much when you wear that skirt
  • If you took better care of yourself, you might be attractive

This way of trying to mold you into someone else is mean and abusive. Sure, he’s not physically hurting you, but emotional scars last longer. Someone saying this to you all the time makes it sink into your subconscious and you begin to say it to yourself.

What Can You Do?

When he says something like that to you, call him out on it. Make sure he knows that saying those things is hurtful. Be careful how you word things, though, or he’ll just have room to argue with you.

If you say, “I don’t like it when you call me fat”, he’ll just say that he doesn’t call you fat. Of course, he’s using other types of statements to call you fat, but that’s beside the point.

Instead, say, “Josh, when you tell me I look fat, it makes me feel really bad.” It’s harder to argue with a statement when you say it’s your feelings. He can’t tell you how you feel. Oh, he might try to, but it’s harder.

Hurtful statements like those aren’t loving and they aren’t meant to be. This is a direct attempt to make you feel as small and worthless as he does.

Your best option is usually to end the relationship. If you’re just there to help him feel a little bigger by making you feel small, you can do better! You deserve better!

boyfriend is controlling

His Favorite Weapon is Passive Aggressive Behavior

Ahh, an oldie but a goodie, passive-aggressive behavior is yet another way to control someone.

What Does it Look Like?

“This is my girlfriend, Stacy. She talks like a hillbilly but she’s a great gal. Heh heh heh.” Okay, so he just introduced you to his friends and injected a criticism disguised as a cute little joke. That’s passive-aggressive.

“Boy you sure can cook,” said right after you accidentally burned the rice with dinner. Sarcasm is another form of passive-aggressive behavior.

If something is followed by, “Hey, I’m just kidding,” know that he isn’t. It’s a criticism disguised as what he thought was a joke.

While this doesn’t seem to be a controlling behavior, what he’s doing is trying to make you feel badly about yourself, just like he does. He’s trying to control your self-esteem and self-worth and that’s the worst way to control someone.

What Can You Do?

This is another instance where you might be able to call him out on his behavior. “Hey Jim, when you introduced me to your friends and then said I talk like a hillbilly, I felt really embarrassed.” Again, by telling him how you felt, and not using an accusing tone, you change his ability to reply in a snide or hurtful way.

He wasn’t kidding and you both know it, as do his friends, who also probably felt embarrassed. He may come back and tell you to lighten up or learn to take a joke but keep pointing out to him how hurtful his comments are.

If he refuses to stop, he doesn’t respect or love you and it’s time to end things.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling | Why is He Acting This Way?

He’s Narcissistic

Narcissism is not a choice people make but an actual psychological diagnosis. NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder affects many people and hinders their ability to have healthy relationships.

Many narcissists carry a higher-than-average opinion of themselves. They believe they’re more important than everyone else, more powerful, more intelligent, more capable, and so on. To make sure you believe it, they’ll exaggerate their accomplishments and abilities.

This type of person needs to make sure you know how special and unique he is, compared to other men. Of course, since he’s so special and unique, there’s no way you can understand him. He’s too far above you and everyone else for that to happen.

He needs lots of praise and positive attention, to be sure you know how important and special he is. He feels that he deserves special treatment. For example, if you go to a restaurant, he might feel he should always get the best table.

His need for personal gain outweighs everything else, so he takes advantage of people and situations to make sure they benefit him. His goals are the only important goals. He might use tactics like telling lies about someone to make sure they don’t get what he wants, or he may treat someone very badly.

Unable to see your needs or connect with you on an emotional level, he’ll come off as lacking compassion or selfish. He also envisions himself in competition with, well, everyone. He imagines that people envy him for all his great traits and that they’re jealous of him.

Most of those are signs of what professionals call overt narcissism. Covert narcissism is a little harder to detect. Those behaviors include:

  • Anxiety
  • Insecurity
  • Being overly sensitive, unable to handle criticism
  • Feeling defensive
  • Acting withdrawn or depressed

He Has High Anxiety

Anxiety is a symptom of many other disorders, but it’s at the root of controlling behavior. There is a strong need to control their surroundings and maintain some sense of order, however harmful and ineffective their efforts truly are.

Many people experience anxiety every day and there are varying degrees and abilities to cope with it. When hurricane Ian came through Florida, I had a lot of anxiety about being able to get there and check on my mom. I managed my anxiety easily and was able to get down there to help her without issues. That’s normal anxiety. You don’t know what you’re facing, and your mind plays out scenarios.

Often, when we’re otherwise healthy, we recognize what’s happening and put a stop to it.

Still, for some, anxiety is crippling and can force them into undesirable behaviors, like being a controlling boyfriend.

He Has Low Self-Esteem

When your self-esteem is low, you don’t think good thoughts about yourself. You don’t value yourself or even like yourself.

If your boyfriend has low self-esteem, he thinks very little of himself. He believes he’s not worthy of you and is in constant fear that two things will happen.

First, you’ll figure out what a schmuck he is, and second, you’ll leave him because he’s a loser. That fear or insecurity drives him to try extra hard to keep you from discovering he’s the person he believes himself to be and leaving him.

His low self-esteem also makes him sensitive to what he might perceive as attacks. You might say something you don’t think of as mean or harmful, but due to his low self-esteem, he takes it that way. The problem is that he already thinks those things about himself, but hearing someone else verbalize them brings his insecurities to life and confirms his beliefs about himself.

He Has Difficulty Trusting

If your boyfriend is controlling, he probably has difficulty trusting people. Someone in his past broke his trust in all people so much that he finds it difficult to trust anyone now.

It doesn’t matter what you think you’ve done to earn his trust; he can’t give it so it’s never enough.

Trust issues usually stem from something that happened in childhood, although not always. Someone close to him broke his trust and did a good job of it. His trust was shattered to the point where he decided nobody can be trusted, regardless of what they said or did.

This is something he can work on and overcome, with professional guidance, but it’s not something you can fix.

He Has a Fear of Abandonment

Imagine you’re a young child and someone very important to you leaves, either by death or physical separation. A mother dies, a father leaves the home never to be seen again, or something similar.

This creates a fear that everyone important to you leaves and never comes back. It’s not logical, but your young mind can’t yet figure out the logic behind death or separation.

You grow up and your grandparents die. Your dog runs away and never returns. A favorite teacher doesn’t return the following year. These things all shore up your belief that people leave and never come back.

If your boyfriend is controlling, this might be part of the issue. He lost one or more important people or even animals in his life and he’s developed a fear of abandonment. This displays in the same way low self-esteem does. He lives in constant fear that you’ll leave, just like everyone else in his past.

Again, this is something he can work on and overcome, with professional guidance. And again, it’s not something you can fix.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling | Now What?

The bottom line is that if your boyfriend is controlling, he needs to take a relationship break and work on himself if he’s willing. Some people are and some aren’t. Some controlling individuals grew up in a similar environment to the one they’ve created, and they don’t see their own failings.

Either way, it’s time for you to exit the situation. In many instances, if he does some work with a professional counselor, he can overcome the issues. But this is like alcoholism. He must first be able to see that he has a problem that requires help.

More people than you can imagine grow up believing that mental problems are poppycock and don’t exist, therefore you’ll never get them to seek help. Other people can see that they have an issue if you bring it up during a time when you’re getting along, and things are good.

As you learned above, how you approach a conversation is mostly about the words you use. Discuss how his behavior makes you feel without using accusatory language.

Bob, it makes me feel angry when you call me names” instead of, “Stop calling me names! It’s mean and rude.” It’s hard for someone to argue with how you feel, but he for sure can argue with whether he thinks he was mean and rude.

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Should I Breakup with My Boyfriend?

Should I Breakup with My Boyfriend?

Just by asking the question, should I breakup with my boyfriend, you must already be clued in that something is wrong. Your intuition is pinging.

The obvious reasons for breaking up with someone include drug and alcohol addiction, as well as an addiction to pornography, infidelity, or abuse.

But what are some less obvious answers to the question, should I breakup with my boyfriend? Let’s look at a few.

You Aren’t Growing Together

We grow in maturity and intellectual abilities throughout our lives, but we don’t all do it at the same rate.

As a couple, you can grow by trying new things together. Try new types of ethnic food, working out together or traveling to new places. Choose a hobby to work on together or read books together.

You try together and you learn what works and what doesn’t. Have fun and build deeper intimacy. You’re a team who can take on the world! Building memories together helps your relationship stay fresh and fun.

Grow as an individual by exploring new things on your own. Try a new hairstyle or color. Perhaps you decide your old wardrobe doesn’t reflect who you are any longer. You might explore a new hobby or a passion you have. Reading is a great way to grow and there are millions of self-help books available if that’s what you want.

You’ll know you aren’t growing together in a couple ways. One of you may feel bored. Sex is non-existent, and you find yourselves arguing more than doing things together.

You may feel as if one of you is being left behind. You’re out there trying new things and he’s sitting at home playing video games with his friends all night.

You ask, “Should I breakup with my boyfriend?” The answer depends.

Your gut is already telling you to consider breaking up, but this is also fixable. If you think you can talk to him about it, invite him to explore something new with you and see if he’s agreeable. You might be able to fix it if you can find your way back to growth that supports one another instead of leaves one behind.

You’re Two Very Different People Now

This feels like the last one, but it isn’t the same. Sometimes, people get together, and the chemistry is so hot that you just launch yourselves into a relationship. The sex is great, and that chemistry keeps you together, but not forever. Chemistry only gets you so far. Great sex doesn’t make a relationship and it isn’t the same as intimacy.

Intimacy comes from doing things you both enjoy, together. It’s those afternoons picking apples or painting the living room that pull you closer together. It’s the time when he was sick and you brought him some chicken soup, then stayed to help clean up and maybe watch a little Netflix.

You may discover that he’s not an animal person, but you love your Great Dane and can’t imagine parting with her. He could be very outdoorsy while you prefer to stay in. One of you could be very social while the other prefers to stay at home.

These aren’t things you discover when all you’re working with is hot chemistry. They’re the day-to-day things that start to pile up. It keeps you both from living the life you enjoy because you feel an obligation to do everything together.

None of this makes either of you bad people, it just means you need to work through it or find someone new. You ask me, “Gregg, should I breakup with my boyfriend?”

My answer is this. Have you even discussed what’s bothering you yet? It’s possible he too is feeling the problem but is afraid to approach you.

Talking will solve this one way or the other. You’ll either find a way to work through your differences or you’ll decide it’s better to find someone else.

should I breakup with my boyfriend

Should I Breakup with My Boyfriend if One or Both of Us Has Changed?

Sometimes you go into a relationship thinking you know what you want, only to find out later that you’re wrong. This happens to both men and women, and it doesn’t make either of you wrong or bad. It just means you’ve figured some stuff out about yourself and you aren’t the same person.

Many things happen to cause change in either direction – for the better or for the worse.

One of you may experience the loss of a loved one and you’re having trouble finding your way out of the sadness. You may have decided you want to start a family soon, but he doesn’t want kids. It’s something you discussed peripherally before but now, you’re serious and so is he.

For men, the loss of a job or financial status can be a very hard blow, one women don’t often understand. It can send a guy into a tailspin.

Whatever the cause and whichever of you has changed isn’t the issue. The issue is that you don’t feel compatible any longer and there’s nothing wrong with that. What would be wrong is to continue as if nothing problematic was happening.

Instead of asking, should I breakup with my boyfriend, sit down and discuss your differences. If it seems that a breakup is in order, then do it. There’s nothing wrong with ending a relationship if it isn’t the right one for you.

Are You Ready to End it?

Not all breakups are initiated by a man. If you're ready to end this relationship, go for it. Only you know whether you're happy and if the relationship is fulfilling your needs. It's possible that he feels the same way but you're both afraid to take that step. It's okay. Read some of the other articles on the subject by clicking below. They're here to help.

The Dreaded Mid-Life Crisis

Everyone talks about men wanting convertibles, younger women, and a full head of hair but women have mid-life crises as well.

You feel as if there’s something in your life you can’t fulfill in your current relationship. Your fight or flight has kicked in and flight seems the proper response.

Fight or flight is a result of anxious thinking. You’re worried about something that will or won’t happen in the future and you’re afraid that if you don’t exit the relationship right now, you won’t be able to either make something happen or avoid something else.

You might feel as if you missed out on part of your youth because you started getting into serious relationships at a young age and have stayed in them since. Now, you find yourself wanting to go back and experience those things.

Instead of asking, should I breakup with my boyfriend, the question to ask is if you need to explore and experience alone or can your boyfriend tag along? If you really think you need to do this alone, explain it to him and maybe you can come to some sort of arrangement.

You never know until you try!

What I encourage you not to do is ignore this feeling, while at the same time helping you understand that you can’t recapture your youth and there are some experiences that are better left behind you, whether you got to enjoy them or not.

should I breakup with my boyfriend

Should I Breakup with My Boyfriend over Outside Influences?

In this category you find things like religion and politics. As you age and mature, you might find that you’ve grown apart in an important area of life. You might have shifted your beliefs in one direction or another and he went the other way.

It’s okay to be different in these areas of life. The question is can you live with your boyfriend being a Democrat if you’re a staunch Republican? Can you date someone who doesn’t believe in God if you have strong Christian beliefs? Couples do live together in these circumstances. They agree to disagree and leave those topics of discussion off the table.

Another outside influence can be an ex, especially if shared custody of children, or even animals, is involved. Often when two different families are parenting children, there are vast differences. Children come home from one home to the other and must adjust to different rules and parenting styles.

This can really do a number on any relationship and it’s not good for the kids either. Here, the best path forward, if possible, would be to work with the ex you’re sharing custody with and see if you can work out those parenting issues, for the kids, not for your relationship. Your relationship is a side problem.

Should I Breakup with My Boyfriend?

As you’ve read, there are several different situations which can place a strain on a relationship, but most of them are things you can work through if you can talk to one another.

On the other hand, your gut might be telling you it’s time to get out and you can’t find the reason in any of these situations.

In that case, it’s probably best to sit down and agree to a split. There’s no reason to be ugly or unkind to one another. You’ve just come to a point where your relationship doesn’t work any longer. The mature adult thing to do is end it well and keep a friend, or at least avoid making an enemy.

How to Get Over a Breakup

If you decide to breakup, I recommend He’s Gone, Now What? This a breakup book specifically written to help you overcome the unexpected repercussions of a breakup. You’ll discover the nine stages of grieving a relationship as well as the impact a breakup has on your body and mind. Even if the breakup is your idea, you will experience all these things.

The book also helps you sort things out and prepare yourself for a new relationship! You can read more about it here, or buy it by clicking the buy button below.

Are you living like you're dying, or are you plugging along on autopilot, waiting for something great to happen but not really pursuing it? Is your life as fulfilling as it can be? Do you dream of a different life? Do you sometimes feel as if you're walking through life, half asleep?

If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions, you need to Live Like You're Dying. Learn to embrace life, take chances and life the life you want to live, free of fear and anxiety, full of experiences and exploration! Learn more about the book here or buy it by clicking on one of the buttons below.

The Ideal Alpha Female Relationships with Men

The Ideal Alpha Female Relationships with Men

Successful alpha female relationships can feel elusive, especially if you’ve dated for any length of time.

You’re strong. You know what you want and how to get it. You’re confident, outspoken and people gravitate to you because they want to be on the same ride you’re on. Your power and energy are contagious.

These very traits that make friends and coworkers want to be near you are the same ones that make it difficult for you to find a man who appreciates you for who you are, without trying to change you.

Chances are, you’ve tried dating alpha men because they’re most like you. They’re powerful, confident, outspoken and strong. Likes attract likes, right? Yes, but that doesn’t always indicate that that type of relationship will work out best.

There are essentially two types of men that will work best for alpha female relationships. The first, of course, is an alpha male. I know, I just said that might not work, but there are instances when it can. The other type of man who’s truly perfect for the alpha woman is the beta man.

Often misunderstood, beta men seek alpha female relationships because they want a take-charge type of woman to love. Below are some dating tips that will help you find the right guy who will adore you for who you are.

Alpha Female Relationships | Slow Down

You go one-hundred miles per hour all day and well into the evening, but when you’re out looking for a guy, slow down. Take off that leadership hat and let your hair down, maybe literally.

Slow and take the edge off your speech. You’re now out to have fun, not be in control, so take a kinder, gentler approach. An alpha man will be attracted to an alpha woman if she shows her feminine side and a kinder, gentler you will be more feminine.

Don’t make an attempt to look low confidence, meaning continue making eye contact and walking confidently, but instead of striding with purpose, slow down and glide. Save your strut for the office.

And finally, if an alpha man offers to buy you a drink, accept it gratefully and show your appreciation, “Thank you. It was so kind of you.” This allows more of your feminine energy to shine through and you top it off with a dose of manners. He’s definitely interested.

Challenge Him

 Challenge is important in alpha female relationships – well, all relationships actually. Men need to feel challenged in a relationship to keep from becoming bored, therefore, it’s important for him to feel challenged by you. But what does that mean?

An alpha man doesn’t value something that comes too easily. He’s accustomed to working for what he has. When he calls for a date that day or even the next day, don’t drop your plans to go with him.

Instead, let him know that he’ll need to work harder to get on your calendar, “Gee, Gregg. I’d love to go to dinner with you, but we’ll have to make it Tuesday.” He won’t be put off. He’ll feel challenged! If he’s truly interested in you, he’ll figure out how to become important enough to get on your calendar.

If he text you but you’re busy and can’t really get into a conversation, give him a time when you can talk to him.

Him: Hi Beautiful. I hope your day was productive!

You: Hey Handsome! So far, so good, but I have more dragons to slay. Let’s talk later – say 8:00?

Him: Sounds great! Talk then.

This tells him you want to talk to him and he now knows when. It takes the anxiety out of the situation for both of you and lets him know when to expect to talk to you.

Challenge is also required for the beta man, whose main goal is to serve you and make sure you’re happy. You can challenge him in the same way you’d challenge an alpha. Don’t always be readily available. Be kind but firm with a beta.

Are You an Alpha Female Who Can't Find a Happy Relationship?

For alpha women, finding a relationship that isn’t challenging or frustrating can be a real problem. You’re drawn to alpha men, but science tells us that alpha men don’t want to marry alpha women, they only want to date them. Then there’s the beta man, often misunderstood by both alpha men and women, but often a great choice for the alpha woman. Learn more about how you can develop a happy relationship with either type of man by checking out The Alpha Female: Who is She? Who Should She Date? How do You Become One?

alpha female relationships

Let Him Be Your Protector

All men, alpha, beta or otherwise, have a need to be your protector. I know you can do this for yourself, but this hero instinct is something you want to cultivate. Men were raised to be your hero and if you don’t allow them to, they feel as if they aren’t doing their job.

Men basically need three things in a relationship:

  • To live a meaningful life and feel appreciated for their efforts
  • To provide for those who are important to them
  • To be respected by those around them

I know you can provide for yourself, and maybe even him, but if you’re with an alpha, don’t make a big deal about this. A beta will care less if you make more money than he does, but an alpha might feel emasculated if you bring it up a lot. Don’t let who earns more money determine the power dynamic in your relationship.

Alpha Female Relationships: Act Like the Prize You Are

When women make bad dating choices, it’s often for one of two reasons. Either they feel desperate to find a guy for some reason, like all their friends have boyfriends and they don’t, or they don’t understand that they have the power to be the choose, and not feel grateful to be chosen.

This puts you in a negative position for relationships. Instead, recognize that you are the prize. When you feel grateful to be chosen or desperate and find a guy, your instinct might be to be over-enthusiastic about the relationship.

You stop going out with your girlfriends, stop pursuing your hobbies and spend too much time doting on him. No guy, whether he’s an alpha, beta or omega, wants this from you. This behavior makes a man feel smothered and you aren’t challenging to him. He will question your value in his life.

Instead, come into a relationship with strong dating confidence. If you don’t feel you have strong dating confidence now, there are many options you can pursue here.

I want to change my life!

Meanwhile, allow a guy to chase you. Yes, even though you’re an alpha woman, let a guy pursue you. Inspire his hero instinct and encourage his masculine side by remaining feminine. Never give up your hobbies for a man and continue to enjoy girls’ night with your friends.

Remember, You Are Not Your Title

Your identity isn’t the title of the job you hold. It’s who you are from the inside out. It’s your kindness and generosity. It’s your desire to help others and your ability to be tough and stern one minute and a kind mentor the next.

Commit to or stay committed to your health and well-being. Get to know yourself and connect with that feminine woman who’s lurking inside. This makes you the feminine counterpart an alpha man desires.

When it comes to a beta man, he needs your strength and direction, but he also wants to see your feminine side and he needs you to know who you are from the inside out. Your strength is what attracted him to you, but some of that strength is your inner strength.

alpha female relationships

Alpha Female Relationships: Communication is Key

Regardless of what type of man you date, communication is everything. With the beta, you will have many conversations around control – who is in control of what. He wants you to take control, probably more than you know. Talking through it helps you both realize your roles in the relationship. Just because he’s a beta doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings, ambitions, and thoughts about your relationship.

Communication in any relationship is one of the most important things and a lack of communication is what ends many relationships. Regardless of whether your guy is an alpha or a beta, opening up the lines of communication may be the strongest asst in your alpha female relationships.

It allows you each to voice your wants, needs and desires. It allows you to feel safe exposing your vulnerabilities, something a beta will do much faster than an alpha. Without communication, any relationship will eventually wither and die.

And Finally, You’re a Team

Whether alpha female relationships are with beta men or alpha men, you’re a team. Learn how to work together and know when your teammate needs you to rally and be a little more supportive than usual.

Situations like job loss or loss of income, health issues, the loss of a loved one and similar events are difficult for men. Most men require time to retreat, lick their wounds and find a solution. As natural problem solvers, this is key for him. While you’re there to support him, you’re not overbearing or over-nurturing.

Let him know he has your support and allow him time to deal with the emotions of what happened. If your relationship is strong and you’ve established great communication, he will come to you when he’s ready.

How to Not be Nervous for a Date

How to Not be Nervous for a Date

We’ve all been there and it’s very nerve-wracking, but today I’d like to share with you 12 tips to show you how to not be nervous for a date.

Your gut is seizing and nausea is roiling and you’re thinking about shooting him a text with an excuse to postpone the date, but did you know he might be feeling the same way? Date nervousness isn’t exclusive to women. Men experience it too!

Still, dates can be great experiences with the right mindset. Instead of worrying about what to wear, how to fix your hair and makeup and whether he’ll like you, focus on the twelve tips below. They’ll help you know how to not be nervous for a date.

Right now, you’re placing too much importance on this date. You’re making it seem as if your entire future hinges on this one date, but it doesn’t. Dating isn’t about getting married or even making a commitment, not the first few dates anyway. It’s about seeing how well you might fit. Can you have fun together? Is he someone you enjoy spending time with? Is he an interesting guy?

This is how men look at dating. They don’t look at dating as taking steps toward the alter. They have fun. They enjoy the challenge of getting to know you and the mystery behind who you are.

how to not be nervous for a date

How to Not be Nervous for a Date: Treat it as a Meeting

The best way to ease your nervousness over a first date is to treat it as a meeting, which is what it is. You and this new guy are meeting to see if there is any spark or chemistry. If you know one another before, you’ve probably never dated until now so this is still a first date or meeting to consider becoming a couple.

Even the next few dates can be looked at in this way because that’s what you’re doing. You’re meeting up with a new friend to see if you can become a couple in the future.

Have some talking points

If you met him online or through friends, you might already know something about him. Use this to your advantage and have a few things you can talk about. If his pride and joy is his ’67 corvette, study up a little on them and show interest. If you love something he loves, he will transfer his love of that thing to you over time.

Men love to talk about themselves, so the more homework you do before your meeting, the more prepared you’ll be to feed him questions.

Understand that He’s a Hot Mess of Nerves Too

Any great guy worth having is probably a bundle of nerves before your first few dates too. If he isn’t, there’s a better than even chance that he’s a player who goes on a lot of dates and has his own system in place.

Assuming your guy is a great guy, he’s just as worried about saying the wrong thing or looking dumb in front of you. How you both survive one of you making some sort of goof will determine how your relationship will go, moving forward. If someone goofs, poke a little fun, in a nice way, maybe with a tad of humorous self-deprecation.

If you trip over your own feet or accidentally spill a little coffee, it’s fine. He’ll love it and it’ll make him feel better about anything that happened to him.

how to not be nervous for a date

How to Not Be Nervous for a Date | Don’t ‘Clear Your Day’

You’ve got a date with a great guy and you’re so nervous about getting ready that you take the day off and clear the schedule for the entire day so you have plenty of time to get ready.

I’ve done this myself. If I had a hot date planned for that evening, I’d clear the day to wash my car, plan my route and prepare myself for the date. The problem is that when it was time for the date, I was so nervous because I’d focused my entire day on it, that I could barely function.

Instead, stay busy with other plans. Go on with your day as normal and prepare yourself as you would for a girls’ night out. Slip on something comfortable, do your hair and makeup as you would for any other occasion and be yourself.

Stop With the Worst-Case Scenarios

Your anxiety is ratcheting up and the what-if’s are starting. Recognize this for what it is – date anxiety. It’s normal, but that doesn’t mean you need to feed it. When those what-if’s start showing up, stomp them down. What if he doesn’t show up? His loss! What if he hates you? His loss! What if he’s an axe murderer? What are the odds, really?

Anxiety creeps in and we don’t often recognize it for what it is. Take some deep breaths and gain control of your thoughts. Instead of allowing this anxious train of thought to continue, find something to watch on Netflix or turn on some music and start singing along. Do anything to change your train of thought.

Desensitize Yourself to Dating

The real issue with dating anxiety is fear. You’re doing something new and you’re afraid of the outcome. There are two things to do to eliminate this fear. One is to realize that just because this guy isn’t into you, or vice versa, doesn’t mean no guy will be into you. He simply isn’t the right one.

The second thing to realize is that the best way to eliminate a fear of something is to desensitize yourself to it. This means exposing yourself to more of what you’re afraid of until the fear dissipates.

What does all that mean? Go on more dates! Yes! The very thing that is striking fear in you now – dating – is the one thing you need to do more of.

But I hear you – “Gregg, there aren’t that many great guys out there.” And my response to you is “Oh, but there are, you just don’t know where to look!”

How to find the man of your dreams

Date a few guys who rank in the so-so category if you must, just to get the exposure. At the least, maybe you come out of it with a new friend. Just make sure he understands that it’s just a friendship so there are no hurt feelings.

How to Not Be Nervous for a Date | Keep it Short

Don’t plan a date that will last for hours. Instead, plan a coffee date where you can meet someplace casual and relax into the comfy chairs. If things go well, you can certainly plan a longer date, but make any first meetings short.

If you’re looking for how to not be nervous for a date, this is a great one because a coffee date is, by nature, a more casual, laid-back experience.

Be Involved with Planning the Meeting

Get involved in planning your meeting so you have some say in what you do and where the meeting will happen. If you allow him to do it, he may be more inclined to either bail on the date or plan it someplace where he’s more comfortable, but you aren’t.

Give him a few suggestions and make them closer to your comfort zone. This not only feels more comfortable to you but it’s safer and will keep your anxiety at bay.

Relax  

One great tip for how to not be nervous for a date is to chill. Relax and remember not to place so much importance on this two hours of your life. Think about it – it’s two hours, if that, of your entire life and, as you recall, if he doesn’t like you, it’s his loss!

Use anxiety-busting tools like playing music or taking a short walk. Splash some cold water on your face before you do your makeup or take a few deep breaths. When you consider what to wear, go with something comfortable, rather than something new or something that makes you squirm because it’s too tight or doesn’t fit properly.

Keep It to Yourself

It isn’t necessary to share this meeting with your entire Facebook friends group or blast it on Instagram. In fact, I suggest you tell one close friend so someone knows where you are, but otherwise, keep it to yourself. Other people will try to be helpful, but they’ll only provide advice you don’t need to hear. Friends will push their own anxiety on you with stressors over what to wear and so on.

Make it Fun!

The worst date is sitting down to dinner with someone in some high-end, or even middle grade restaurant. All you have to entertain yourselves is one another. The stress of carrying on a conversation can become overwhelming, especially if one or both of you are introverts.

Instead, make your first dates and meetings fun. Go bowling or go prowl a farmer’s market. Go watch a sport you both enjoy together or go somewhere that relates to a hobby one or both of you have, like antiques or cars or photography. Even a museum or an art gallery is better than a dinner date because there are conversation starters all over the place.

Workout Prior to Your Date

When you workout, two things happen. One is that it alleviates any anxiety chemicals that are coursing through your veins. The other is that it produces endorphins, or happy hormones as some call them, and you get a lift.

This will help your confidence shine through, instead of your anxiety.

How to Not Be Nervous for a Date

Most long-lasting relationships start out as great friendships. Remember this as you head into your next date or first meeting with a guy. Work on building a great friendship and don’t worry about how long it will be before he buys you a ring.

Date to have fun and learn more about him, not to find milestones that you think show he wants to marry you. I guarantee you he’s oblivious to such milestones so don’t bother with them. Guys date to have fun and you should too! Use this time to determine not only if he’s a great guy, but also if he’s the right guy for you. Take your time and enjoy the process! Take the pressure off by not worrying about getting married after the first date!

Remember the tips you’ve read here and go have yourself a great time!

Do you have your Night Moves down? Are you ready to go out and get a guy to fall for you, using science and not trickery? If so, this is the book for you! I've done the research, and you get to benefit. Here are the steps you can take, whether you're headed out on a first date or going out with your friends to look for men. The science behind attraction is just a few clicks away!

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Read more about this book or click one of the buttons below to buy it now.

How to Get Rid of an Ex

How to Get Rid of an Ex

So you’re interested in learning how to get rid of an ex. There are two easy steps that will help you rid yourself of him for good!

It’s the same old story. You spend months, or even years in a crappy relationship until you finally summon the courage to get out. You dump him and enjoy your newfound freedom, but he just won’t go away.

He’s lonely and he wants you back. It’s an interesting twist of fate for most men who are usually the ones to break up. Still, there he is looking all pitiful and you actually give some consideration to taking him back.

Wait!

Before you cave in and add a few more months or years of misery to your life, read these tips on how to get rid of an ex.

What Made Him Want You Back?

Most likely, your ex saw you re-engaging with life. You may be working out, changing your hair or wardrobe, and generally making positive changes in your life. He’s intrigued and even challenged by this new you.

Without realizing it, you took the steps I often recommend for women who want their ex back. I’m not saying what you did was wrong, because it wasn’t. It was exactly right, but it had a positive impact on your ex. So now, what can you do?

How to Get Rid of an Ex: Make a List

Sit down and review your relationship with this guy. What was it that made you want to break up with him in the first place? What are the chances that he’s changed and those reasons would no longer exist?

People break up because something, or most often, someone is broken, usually both people. Your confidence has dipped. He’s a misogynist or a narcissist. Your communication was poor. One of you gained more confidence while the other stayed stuck with low confidence. The list is miles long.

Do you see any evidence of positive change? Sure, you’ve changed, but has he? A misogynist or a narcissist isn’t likely to change so you can forget it if that’s your ex.

Now, review the men you’ve dated and make a list of their positive traits. You can include your most recent ex in your evaluation. When you review these positive traits, how many does your ex have right now? Not when you started dating but when you broke up. Be honest.

Knowing how to get rid of an ex requires honesty with yourself about him and your relationship with him. Just because he came back and stirred some old chemistry doesn’t mean the two of you will work this time.

how to get rid of an ex

Talk to Your Friends and Family

These folks were with you during the difficult time you and your ex experienced. They helped you think through your decision to break up with him. While you may be feeling that chemistry and focusing on only the good memories, they recall the tears and anguish he put you through before you finally decided to get out.

When you want to know how to get rid of an ex, you need to be prepared for your friends and family to take a tough stance. They don’t want to see you get hurt and they’ll be there to support you now as you try to stand strong with your decision.

How to Get Rid of an Ex | Stay Away From Mutual Friends

The friends you shared are usually the ones who are telling your ex how great you look and all the details of your new, confident life. They don’t intend harm, it’s just casual conversation. In fact, he may overhear it and not directly be part of the conversation.

If some of those friends were your friends to begin with, you can kindly remind them that you’re looking into how to get rid of an ex, not how to bring him back. They probably don’t even realize what they’re doing.

If those friends were his friends, it’s time to extricate yourself from the group. They might think they’re helping when they aren’t. They see how miserable he is and they don’t realize you don’t want him back, so they share news of your new life with him.

Block Him from Your New Life

Depending on how involved the two of you were, you may now share some aspects of your life, like bank accounts or other memberships.

It’s time to separate those accounts. If he added any money to the account, ask for a cashier’s check and mail it to him. Remove his name from the account or close it all together and open a new one.

For any other memberships, your best move is probably the same, close the account you share and open one that’s just yours. Let him know things are closed and if he wants to rejoin, he’ll need to do so on his own.

While you’re removing him from your life, block him on your social media and other accounts. If he’s bugging you by text or phone calls, you can block him. While he can still find out what you’re doing through friends, at least you’re making it more of a challenge for him to do so.

Are You Ready to End it?

Not all breakups are initiated by a man. If you're ready to end this relationship, go for it. Only you know whether you're happy and if the relationship is fulfilling your needs. It's possible that he feels the same way but you're both afraid to take that step. It's okay. Read some of the other articles on the subject by clicking below. They're here to help.

how to get rid of an ex

How to Get Rid of an Ex | Be Blunt

I know you don’t want to hurt him, even if he’s being a pain right now, but you’ve probably heard the saying, nice guys, or in your case, nice gals finish last.

Unfortunately, this isn’t a time for being nice. If all other attempts have failed, it’s time to be direct. This is the language he understands best. “I’m sorry Bill, but I really am not interested in getting back together. Please stop trying to win me back.”

Shake Things Up

He knows your routines, so it’s time to change them. I know this is an annoying thing to do, but it reduces your chances of running into him. For example, if you both went to the same gym before, start a new membership somewhere else. Get your coffee somewhere else. Drive a different route to work. Shop for groceries someplace else. Move to a new home.

All these things help make you more difficult to find.

Of course, if you have a stalker on your hands, you need to take even more drastic measures, like moving to a new town, not just a new home, changing your phone number and other information he knows.

The Nuclear Option: Contacting His Family

In your quest for knowledge on how to get rid of an ex, you probably didn’t consider this one and the success of it will depend on not only his relationship with his family, but yours too.

If you had a good relationship with them, you might be able to go to them now and ask them to intervene on your behalf. Mothers are especially effective in these efforts, although if he’s closer to his father and you’re comfortable speaking with him, start there.

Without accusation or speaking anything negative about their son or loved one, share with them that you’ve been trying to get your ex to leave you alone. Ask them if they can help you by speaking with him and asking him to stop.

It’s possible they will be more effective than you’ve been.

How to Get Rid of an Ex

Exes have a way of noticing the positive changes you’re making in your life and it intrigues them, whether you want it to or not. They suddenly feel challenged by this new you. You’re mysterious to them again and their interest is piqued, especially if they’ve had little luck in moving forward themselves.

Try the steps above on how to get rid of an ex and hopefully, he will see the light and go away. Be kind and encourage him to move on without you.

Stay positive, but stand firm in your resolution to keep him out of your life and don’t offer up being friends as an alternative. He will only view this as another way to win you back. Tell him instead that if he can stop pursuing you for a relationship, maybe some day the two of you can be friends again.

If you're ready to move on from this relationship, you're ready for He's Gone, Now What? This book walks you through the many aspects of dealing with a breakup, even if you're the one who initiated the breakup. Regardless of who started it, as they say, your body becomes addicted to the chemicals associated with being in love. The withdrawal process is as daunting as the withdrawal from cocaine.

You'll also learn about the stages of grieving a relationship and how to begin moving forward. You'll walk through the steps of preparing yourself for dating again and gain an understanding of how you can do so in a healthy, happy relationship.

You can learn more about the book here or you can purchase it by clicking one of the buttons below.

How to Not Date a Jerk

Have you ever wondered how to not date a jerk? They seem to be everywhere. No matter how hard you try to avoid them, they seem to ooze out of the woodwork like roaches waiting to pounce.

To be clear, today, we’re talking about lazy, unmotivated, broke, selfish guys who put on a heck of a show for the first few dates and then show their true colors.

Slow Your Roll

Take the time to get to know the man you’re dating, especially if he’s pushing you. Screen him with a phone or zoom call. If he checks out, schedule a daytime date in public.

Daytime dates offer him little chance to have sex with you and help reveal his true character. Don’t have sex with him or you’ll be blinded by your emotions. Hold off until he has proven himself to be worthy of you.

how to not date a jerk

How to Not Date a Jerk: Watch for Patterns to Emerge

Dating is like a marketing exercise. You both want to show your best side to the other person, so you try to hide any baggage and stay on your best behavior.

You won’t hear about the rash around his balls or his drinking problem, and you won’t have a clue that his ex is poking a look-alike voodoo doll of his face with sewing needles.

His true colors usually arrive near the three-month mark of your relationship. The curtain falls and the real man steps forward. He begins to feel comfortable with you and you haven’t dumped him yet, so he feels a little safer showing more of his true colors.

Until you reach this milestone, keep your emotions in check and try not to sleep with him yet. If he respects you, he’ll wait and so far, he hasn’t yet fully proven himself worthy of you. If he’s pushing for sex and trying to crash your boundaries, it might be time to let him go.

Don’t let this guy meet your kids until you’re sure he’s not just another jerk. This keeps them safe from harm and keeps them from falling for him, only to suffer disappointment later…again.

Date Multiple Men

Before you protest, know that he’s dating other women while you’re still in this early phase of getting to know one another. I recommend you do the same. This keeps you from falling too hard for him and allows you to keep your options open.

If you only date one guy at a time, you believe you can mold him into the guy you want. You don’t see that you have other options, and you fall too hard, too fast. You also don’t get a chance to compare different types of men with clarity.

You will never change this guy! Knowing how to not date a jerk means dating more than one guy!

how to not date a jerk

How to Not Date a Jerk | Know What You Want in a Man

Write down what it is you want from a good man. Think back to other men you’ve dated. What did you like about them? What did you dislike? Form a list of those criteria and look for men who have some of them. You’ll never find the perfect guy. All you need is the guy who’s perfect for you.

Know what your dealbreakers are. For example, do you want to date someone who drinks to excess? Would you rather not date someone in a dangerous job? This is a good exercise, as long as you don’t make the list so strict that no guy will ever qualify. Then, you’re just avoiding a commitment.

Embrace Being Single

After you exit a relationship, remain single for at least four months, preferably longer. I know you might feel lonely and all your friends are dating, blah blah blah. Knowing how to not date a jerk means taking time to reestablish yourself as an independent single woman first.

Doing this gives you time to get to know yourself again, rebuild your confidence, get a handle on the current dating scene and reconnect with friends, hobbies and passions that may have been set aside during that last relationship.

This break from dating also allows you to get over your last relationship fully so you aren’t carrying old relationship baggage into a new, potentially great relationship.

Are You Ready to End it?

Not all breakups are initiated by a man. If you're ready to end this relationship, go for it. Only you know whether you're happy and if the relationship is fulfilling your needs. It's possible that he feels the same way but you're both afraid to take that step. It's okay. Read some of the other articles on the subject by clicking below. They're here to help.

How to Not Date a Jerk | Meet His Friends

Spend an evening hanging out with his friends and watch how they treat him. Do they show him respect? Does anyone pull you aside and warn you about him? How does he treat them and any other women in the room?

Meeting his friends helps you know more about what he’s really like. What type of guys are they? Are they players? If so, so is he. Guaranteed. If they seem like upstanding guys who have steady girlfriends and jobs, then he’s an upstanding guy too.

Does he get drunk? If so, how does he act then? Does he become someone else entirely? Is he rude, discourteous, angry, jealous, and so on? This isn’t normal behavior for someone who’s drunk, so don’t let him tell you it was the alcohol. Many people can get drunk and be perfectly nice, funny people who never verbally or physically assault anyone.

Conversely, let him meet your friends. They will be bulldogs for you. They can ask him questions you either can’t or won’t. They can dig into his past and are better able to ask him embarrassing questions that might draw out those true colors of his.

The only caveat is that if they give you an opinion you don’t like or even a warning, you should resolve to listen. They aren’t wearing your rose-colored glasses and they have your best interest at heart. If they’re seeing a problem, there is one and you’re choosing to close your eyes to it.

Use Your Intuition

Your intuition is a very powerful tool and yet, you probably ignore it sometimes. We all do if our intuition is telling us something we don’t want to hear. Your gut may be telling you something with this guy is off. Listen to that gut instinct.

Take some time to honestly look at what’s giving you that gut feeling. Is it his behavior or something he said? Did someone else say something to you that’s niggling at the back of your mind?

How to Not Date a Jerk | Look at Your Patterns

Humans are creatures of habit and tend to repeat failures, rather than stop and examine them for potential lessons.

Take some time to look at the past men you’ve dated, especially the ones who squarely fall into the jerk category. What is it about these guys that attracts you? Do you like the feeling of rescuing someone? Is it that you somehow are afraid you aren’t worthy of great guys or you don’t feel as if you can attract men other than these guys?

Take that exercise from above and look at the bad qualities in the men you’ve dated. What about those qualities seems to keep drawing you in? The excitement of dating a bad boy? Are you trying to prove something to someone? Really take the time to examine the why behind finding these guys datable.

Form a list of those negative qualities and immediately dismiss any man who shows even one of them.

Last week, I sat down with a woman named Jennifer who also wondered how not to date a jerk. As we talked, she discovered that she chose broken men ever time. She sought them out. Even if a better guy was sitting right in front of her, she chose the fixer-upper guy instead.

This is a low-confidence, low self-esteem, and low self-worth move. This need to fix others is a way of avoiding fixing yourself. It places you squarely in a co-dependent relationship and those never work long-term.

What Jennifer needs to do is embrace being single, learn to become a confident, independent woman and then seek out a great guy who deserves her. She needs a dating time-out to find herself again and rebuild from the damage of her dating past.

This is called a co-dependent relationship and it will always fail. Her fix? Embrace being single and take my confidence courses along with understanding men. The result? Now she is killing it!

Wrapping it Up

Knowing how to not date a jerk is easy, once you know what to do:

  • Slow your roll
  • Look for patterns
  • Date multiple men
  • Know what you want
  • Embrace being single
  • Meet his friends
  • Look at your dating patterns
  • Trust your intuition

How to Save a Relationship That’s on the Edge

How to Save a Relationship That’s on the Edge

You once had a great relationship, but now it’s flittering on the edge and you want to know how to save a relationship that’s about to fall apart.

Gone are the days when he would call and you’d talk into the wee hours of the morning. Also gone are the moments when you see him and you get that fluttery feeling in your stomach.

He feels distant now and you’re afraid you’re losing him. What can you do? Before we dive into that, let’s first determine if your relationship is worth saving.

Is This Relationship Worth Saving?

Not every relationship has what it takes to succeed. Some are just too unhealthy to be rescued. How do you know which you have?

When Not to Save a Relationship | There is Abuse

I don’t care what someone tells you, you never deserve to be physically, sexually, or emotionally abused. Not ever. Period.

If you’re in a relationship where you’re being hurt in one of those ways, you need to find a safe and sure way to extract yourself.

One or Both of You Are Addicts

If one or both of you are battling an addiction, that should be your focus, not rescuing your relationship. Right now, you’re not good for each other. You might be again someday, but recovery is a long and difficult road, often taking a year or more.

All your time and attention should go toward being well. Even if you aren’t the one battling an addiction, you’re being negatively impacted and you should seek professional assistance to work on being whole again.

You Probably Can’t Save a Relationship if It’s too Young

A young relationship that feels like it’s in trouble probably can’t be rescued. Since you’re the one researching the topic, I’ll assume he’s the one pulling away.

Why do Men Pull Away?

The reason a young relationship can’t often be rescued is that you probably don’t have enough history and wonderful moments together to bond you. You haven’t had time to build enough intimacy to make the glue you need.

He’s Not There for You

In the times when you needed him most, was he there for you? And by there I mean emotionally there. Your childhood dog died and he went off to play soccer with his friends instead of staying with you.

The company you’ve worked at for ten years is shutting its doors and you’re suddenly unemployed. Is he there with encouraging words or does he ignore your texts and calls?

Sometimes there is a bigger load to carry and you want your partner to help shoulder that load. At times, he may need the support, but when it’s you, is he there?

Don’t Save a Relationship Where He’s the King of Poor Hygiene

I’m sorry but if someone doesn’t value themselves enough to do basic things like brush their teeth and take a shower, they aren’t going to value you much either.

You’re in their life for a different reason and it has nothing to do with love or mutual respect. It’s more likely that you’re cooking for him and cleaning up his Cheeto crumbs while he plays video games.

Is Your Relationship Over?

Do you think your relationship is teetering on the edge of disaster? Has he aleady left? This is a great article for sure, but there are others! Just click the button to read them.

He’s High Maintenance

We all hear about high-maintenance women, but men can be high-maintenance too.

Kim and Reggie had a good relationship until Reggie’s dad came to visit. His dad was a sweet man whose wife of forty years had just passed away after a long battle with cancer. Joe needed a distraction and Kim was happy to play hostess.

Instead, what she got was a clear view of what her future resembled. Joe’s wife had done everything for him. And I mean everything. While he was as sweet as he could be, he was also very high-maintenance. Reggie had exhibited behaviors that got on her nerves but she couldn’t put a label on them until Joe came to visit.

Reggie was every bit as high-maintenance as his dad, perhaps more so and Kim didn’t do high maintenance.

Unfortunately, after that, it was all downhill and Kim got out of the relationship.

The problem with some high-maintenance people is that they put a high value on things that often don’t matter. In that instance, you’re providing him with something that makes him feel better about himself. You’re beautiful or you make a lot of money are usually the two biggies.

For others who are high maintenance, they’re looking for a mommy. Not a mother, a mommy. Someone who will do everything for them. Cook, clean, do laundry, and so on. This guy didn’t learn how to take care of himself for one reason or another and now he’s on a quest to find that woman.

Neither relationship is based on love but on need.

A Relationship Isn’t Worth Saving if You Want or Believe in Different Things

When you first get into a relationship, you don’t discuss things like whether you want children or if you want to travel the world, live on a boat, or become the video game champion of the world.

Then, you get closer, and the relationship continues. Now, you discover that he never wants to have kids or he wants a Housefull while your desires are the opposite.

Sometimes, people change their minds, but it’s not a good idea to gamble on that happening.

If you want different things, you probably need different partners who want those things.

Values present a similar problem. You might not share all the same values, but you need to agree on the big ones, like finances, lifestyles, and family.

You’re Financially Incompatible

When one of you is a spendthrift and the other is financially responsible, things can become frustrating for both of you in a hurry.

Of course, it pays to be financially responsible, but not everyone was brought up that way. Some folks just don’t know how to do it.

You might be able to come together on this one, but it will take patience and a willingness to make big changes.

Never Save a Relationship When You’re a Secret

When a guy is in love, he wants his friends and family to meet you. Not right away, but eventually. He’s sometimes willing to share your relationship on social media.

When he keeps you a secret from those people after you’ve been together for a while, he’s most likely hiding a bigger secret, like he’s married or embarrassed by you in some way.

It’s also possible he has commitment issues, but the first is most often the case.

Your Gut Says So

You didn’t search for how to save a relationship today for no reason. Your gut is telling you something’s up.

What you’re hoping for is what you’ll find in the latter half of this article – how to save a relationship.

Meanwhile, you’ve read some of the dealbreakers above and you almost feel nauseated. That’s your sign, your gut telling you what your heart doesn’t want to hear.

Your intuition is very nearly always right, so don’t ignore it.

Do Not Save a Relationship Like This

If you experience any of these feelings, do not save a relationship:

  • You’re not being the best person you can be in the relationship
  • You don’t do things together, but instead of owning it to friends and family, you make excuses for why he’s not there
  • One or both of you don’t feel good enough or worthy of the other
  • You don’t like who you are when you’re together
  • You feel as if you’ve lost who you are in the relationship
  • The two of you no longer do things that you once enjoyed
  • You’d rather stick a needle in your eye than spend time with him
  • You give up who you are to keep him happy and avoid conflict
  • One or both of you no longer spend time with friends – they might see what’s wrong and ask questions
save a relationship

Save a Relationship by Pulling Back a Little

Yes, sometimes to get something, you must give something up. Your guy might be feeling a little smothered. Men tend to get a little spooked if the relationship is too constricting or if they feel like it’s moving too fast.

Instead, busy yourself by spending time with your friends or pursuing a hobby. I feel like a broken record when I say that because I feel like I say it all the time. Maybe I do, but it’s a true gem in the save a relationship toolbox.

Too often, people overcommit to a relationship. Attraction is exciting and you both feel this pull to one another that seems inescapable.

He’s having fun learning about you and you’re head-over-heels for him too.

The problem is that it can become smothering, especially for a guy. Guys fear losing their friendships when they’re in a relationship. It’s a cliché I suppose, but men are always afraid that once they commit to a woman, she’ll want to spend all her time with him.

This isn’t a healthy relationship. Healthy is when you both spend time with your outside interests as well as with one another. Even when you’re married, you should maintain outside friendships and hobbies that pull you away from one another. It helps you appreciate your time together that much more.

Focus on the Positive

It’s easy to get bogged down in the negatives of any situation, and negativity breeds, so once you find one negative thing, others seem to stand out. The next thing you know, your whole life is full of negativity, and you can’t see the positive.

Instead, try focusing on the positive things. Appreciate one another. If he does something nice, instead of finding the one tiny thing wrong with what he did, find something nice to say, “Wow, Bob! The lawn looks great and I appreciate how you trimmed up to the flower gardens without ruining the flowers.” Don’t mention the 1” wide, 6” strip of the lawn he missed. It won’t be noticeable in a couple of days.

Everyone likes to feel appreciated. Both positivity and negativity breed themselves, so if you switch from negative to positive, it will help shift the general mood of your relationship.

If you struggle to find the positive, try keeping a gratitude journal. Find things to be grateful for. During COVID, maybe it was toilet paper. Now, I’m grateful if I find gasoline that’s under $3.50 a gallon!

Save a Relationship by Working on Yourselves Individually

To be great partners, you must maintain your individuality and be strong as individuals. To do so, spend some time getting back in touch with who you are. We’re constantly changing as individuals, but sometimes, we don’t take the time to note those changes and how they might impact our lives.

You don’t need to separate to do this, but you do need to be honest with one another. When you’re both happy, or at least not arguing and throwing things at one another, sit down and talk about your relationship and your need to reconnect with yourself.

Let him know you want to spend some time on yourself and ask him if he’d like to do so as well. Things to do during this time might include:

  • Evaluating your core values and evaluating whether you’re living by them
  • Reviewing your boundaries and establishing new ones where necessary
  • Examining how much time you spend on self-care and perhaps adding more
  • Looking at how your friendships outside your relationship are faring and where you might find new friends
  • Excavating old hobbies or finding new ones to keep you busy; perhaps finding a hobby you can blend in with one of his
save a relationship

Save a Relationship by Learning How to Disagree

There’s fighting and there’s bickering. The difference is in how dirty you play.

When you fight, you play dirty. You’re name-calling and pulling out the most hurtful criticisms you can find. You’re intentionally trying to hurt the other person.

Bickering is different. Bickering means you don’t agree with something and you go back and forth on it, but you don’t allow the disagreement to dissolve into petty old hurts.

The challenge with a disagreement isn’t in the disagreement itself but in whether you resolve it. Leaving issues unresolved means they’ll come up again, and each time they rear their ugly heads, it’s a little worse because it’s like a festering wound. It just sits there and goes from bad to worse without any attention.

A little bickering is healthy. You aren’t always going to agree on everything, and if you are, someone isn’t being genuine.

Once you realize you have a disagreement brewing, stop. It might be helpful to create a funny sound or establish a funny word you use when you find yourself bickering.

This helps to quickly diffuse the situation. From there, sit down and listen to one another. Allow him to speak without forming your own statement until he’s done. Once he’s done, you state your position. Speak without malice or meanness. Your goal is to resolve the issue, not make things worse.

Most of the time, people just want to be heard. You want him to know where you’re coming from and he wants the same. It’s in the calm of the discussion that you find a resolution, and that’s the important thing.

Plan a Regular Date Night

This is one of the best things you can do for your relationship. Life gets crazy and you may find yourselves being pulled in different directions. If you have a weekly date night already penciled in on your calendar, you automatically have time for one another.

Many people put this on their calendar and it’s an immovable object. Nothing can supersede date night, except possibly a medical emergency.

When you’re enjoying date night, you have a few goals:

  • Avoid technology as much as possible unless one of you is on call or there are babysitters involved
  • No discussion of hot-point topics is allowed
  • Try to stay away from heavy-duty work stuff as much as possible
  • You each choose where you go or what you do on alternating weeks
  • Your focus is on your relationship and one another

Date night is a chance to check in and make sure things are bumping along as smoothly as possible. If you have something serious or heavy to discuss, maybe save it for when your “date” is over. This can be a time to address potential problems and deal with them before they get worse.

Save a Relationship by Celebrating the Wins

Your guy got a promotion. That’s worth at least his favorite cookies, if not his favorite meal or dinner out at his favorite place. There are plenty of opportunities to celebrate one another and any accomplishments you might enjoy.

If it’s been a dull week, celebrate not turning anything pink while doing the laundry or the fact that the dog did all her business outside.

Make this something fun you do together. It’s not a daily thing, or it becomes routine or boring, but maybe once a week or at the least, once every couple of weeks.

This goes along with focusing on the positives. Sometimes, there are just crappy weeks, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something you can celebrate.

This helps both partners feel heard and validated instead of ignored and dismissed. Stay tuned in to what’s going on in his life so you can plan for these little celebratory moments. Not every celebration needs a special meal, but they all require acknowledgment and a tiny celebration dance if nothing else.

save a relationship

Learn One Another’s Love Languages

Gary Chapman did the world of love a big favor when he wrote The Five Love Languages. Essentially, what he defined are five ways in which we all best receive love.

If you each take a few moments to take the quiz on his website, you can discover your love languages.

This enables you to speak to your partner and show love to one another in the way you best receive it. For example, if your partner’s love language is touch, you can show your love for him by holding his hand or providing a gentle touch on his arm. They’re small things that mean so much.

Knowing how you each best receive love helps you show one another in meaningful ways just how much you care.

Save a Relationship by Keeping the Attraction Alive

When was the last time you just gave your guy a peck on the cheek for no reason? When did you last hold hands?

Affection is something that’s all hot and heavy in the early stages of a relationship but tends to fall off as the relationship ages.

But it doesn’t need to. Let him know you’re still attracted to him. Sometimes I hear from women who think they have the market cornered on not feeling as if their partner is still attracted to them.

Men feel this too. Smack him gently on the behind from time to time. Whisper something sexy in his ear when you’re out with his friends. Wear that sexy black number that he loves so much.

He needs to feel that you’re as attracted to him as he is to you.

Dig Up Something Fun You Did Together Previously

Dating is all about finding out more about one another. The more you date, the more you discover. There are some activities you did together that were tons of fun and you still remember them months or years later.

Dig up one of those activities. Go hiking in the woods or rock climbing. Rent a canoe and spend an afternoon on the water. Go watch a cheesy horror flick or revisit that milkshake shop you both loved.

These activities help you focus on one another and your relationship, if only for a little while. They also conjure up fond memories of something you shared previously. Those memories are valuable. I like to call them pennies in the jar. The more of them you have, the better your relationship.

Those types of moments build intimacy. Many believe, and even say someone was intimate as another word for sex but think about it. Hookups aren’t intimate. Moments you share with your guy where you both end up laughing hard, or tender moments shared doing something together are intimacy.

Save a Relationship by Trying Something New Together

While resurrecting an old activity is a great way to build intimacy, so is trying something new. Exploring something new or trying something one or both of you are fearful of is another way to bring you closer.

These activities put you in a similar place of feeling adventurous and sometimes a little nervous. You share those feelings and you overcome them together.

You can extend this into trying a new hobby together or combining one of your hobbies with one of his. One of you cooks and the other likes to blog and voila, you have a cooking blog. He might love old cars and you love photography so now you can go to antique car shows and museums and take photos.

These activities also put pennies in that jar for you and are great for relationship-building.

Take Mini-Vacations – Separately

You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. In this instance, absence gives you both time to move past whatever is bothering you. One or both of you are harboring negative feelings about your relationship right now and the distance will help you in a few ways.

First, it gives you time to assess the situation without living through it 24/7. With distance, you often gain clarity. You can see how your own actions and his are negatively impacting the situation.

Next, it allows you both to cool off. Don’t leave out of anger or leave abruptly. Agree to take a short break from one another with the understanding that you want to work on yourselves. During that time, whatever anger was lingering is likely to fade and a clearer head can prevail.

Additionally, once you cool off, your rational mind can kick in, which is an impossibility if you’re both angry, or otherwise emotional. Your mind can’t function rationally when you’re feeling overly emotional, so this gives you a chance to gain that clarity.

And finally, once you’ve both cooled off, assessed the situation, and done some thinking about one another, you’ll likely miss each other again. That’s when you know you’re ready to rediscover one another.

Save a Relationship by Seeing a Counselor or Therapist

Not everyone is open to seeing someone, but if you’ve tried the steps above and nothing good has come of it, and you both are invested in saving the relationship, then your next bet is professional help.

Professionals are objective. They’re not friends and family who have an emotional investment in one or both of you. Counselors also have experience and a whole lot of college under their belts. They’ve seen this before and they know just how to help.

If your guy refuses to seek professional help, you can go by yourself. We can always benefit from the advice of someone in the know. They can help point out things that we don’t see in ourselves and that our friends are too afraid to point out.

How Can You Save a Relationship?

Just like it takes two of you to make a great relationship, it will take both of you to save a relationship.

Never try to discuss something while one or both of you are angry. No good will come from that. Ever. Instead, give one another distance to cool down. Go for a run or head out for a window-shopping excursion with a friend. When you come back together, calmly discuss the problem.

I never suggest sitting down to discuss something when emotions are high. As I just said above, your mind can’t work with rational thought processes if you’re too emotional. The emotions overrun those logical thoughts.

You both must want to save the relationship and if one of you doesn’t, it’s time to consider splitting up, at least for a while.

You can’t force him to want to be with you. All you can do is show him how much you care. If he leaves, it’s time to change gears and work through the Five Step Process to Get Him Back, assuming you want him back that is.

*Note* There are a couple of books linked below. Pennies in the Jar is the first and is for couples who want to stay together. It provides strategies to strengthen your relationship and make it withstand the test of time.

He’s Gone Now What is the book for you if you’ve decided to end it and you want to move forward in a healthy way.

If you're ready to move on from this relationship, you're ready for He's Gone, Now What? This book walks you through the many aspects of dealing with a breakup, even if you're the one who initiated the breakup. Regardless of who started it, as they say, your body becomes addicted to the chemicals associated with being in love. The withdrawal process is as daunting as the withdrawal from cocaine.

You'll also learn about the stages of grieving a relationship and how to begin moving forward. You'll walk through the steps of preparing yourself for dating again and gain an understanding of how you can do so in a healthy, happy relationship.

You can learn more about the book here or you can purchase it by clicking one of the buttons below.

Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you'll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They're added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

Dry Texting-What is He Really Saying with His One-Word Texts?

Dry Texting-What is He Really Saying with His One-Word Texts?

What the heck is dry texting? It’s when you put together the perfect text, check it twice, and hit send. Two days later you get – “lol.”

I know how much that irritates you because I’m the one who gets the emails asking what the heck is going on!

The sad (for you) truth is that guys do not like to text paragraphs, but if you are getting one word answers while waiting two days, it’s time to dump him for good.

I’m serious. There is no excuse for dry texting. It means one thing – he doesn’t care about you.

But you’ll probably make excuses for him, won’t you? He was at work. We had a great first date…blah, blah. Let’s see if you’re right.

Dry Texting Exceptions

You were Texting Back and Forth, and He Just Quit Replying

This happens. In my best seller Text Him This Not That, you learn how men text their male friends – in short bursts that are to-the-point. Never paragraphs.

Guys get sick of reading paragraphs of texts. They just won’t do it. If I were to text my buddy John a 100 word novel, he would dry text back, “WTF!?”

Texting is just the new way of talking and men are not great communicators for the most part. They communicate best in person, with actions and body language!

So, if he is engaging in long texting conversations, and suddenly dry texts, his male DNA (I just realized I hate communicating with women) might have kicked in! Consider yourself lucky and back off your texting.

Your Guy is Old

Let’s face it, some old guys never got the memo that texting is cool! Yes, they’re out there. I have 65+ readers that are dating men that refuse to have smart phones. There are older guys that have smart phones but have no idea how to use them let alone text properly.

Therefore, women might be getting one word answers because that’s all these guys can muster without throwing the phone into the swimming pool!

He’s Busy

If I’m driving or I’m at work, I rarely reply to texts unless I see they’re really important (someone is ill, injured, etc.) But, I will still text back later, if I care. People do have lives and texting can be an annoyance during the day. In fact, I have a no texting policy for the guys who work for my construction company.

Dry Texting as a Test

For confident women, dry texting is a godsend! It shows you immediately through his actions if he likes you. Use it to your advantage.

Once he gives you a few one-word texts, stop texting completely. You could even give him some shit back before you dump him by texting, “YTSFO” and see what he says, if anything.

When he dry texts back, “?”, you say “Your texting sucks, f**k off!”

It may just put a smile on your face!

But Don’t Shy Guys Dry Text?

In my experience working with shy guys, no. In fact, many shy guys are good texters. Texting becomes a good conduit for them to get around their shyness.

In fact, shy guys are the type that will read an endless text. So if can not help yourself and you are determined to text novels, you might consider putting a shy guy at the top of your dating list.

Dry Texting Summary

I can’t think of a better test at the beginning of a relationship to judge how much a man likes you than dry texting. If you send him, “I have some great news to tell you,” and he responds the next day with a question mark, he doesn’t care to be in a relationship with you.

The reason doesn’t matter because he doesn’t even know you. Therefore, it is not about you, it’s about him so why waste your time?

The key is to date several men, even more than one at a time, so you have choices and options. If you are dating one guy, you may tend to go all in too quickly and allow him to get away with this crap. But if you are able to date multiple men (not sleep with but date), you don’t care as much if one of them dry texts you.

Without knowing it, you're making big texting mistakes when you text men. Lucky for you, I have the solution! Text Him This, Not That takes care of all these blunders and helps you text a guy in a way that makes him want to text you back sooner!

You'll learn the importance of less is more, how to invite a guy to hang out without really inviting him and tons more! Read more about this great book here or buy it today by clicking one of the links below!

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Dating an Older Man – The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Dating an Older Man – The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Dating an older man comes with a stigma, but that doesn’t make it wrong. Science has studied this phenomenon and has come up with some interesting conclusions.

While an age gap in dating isn’t uncommon, it’s more unusual for a woman to be older than a man. The more common age-gap relationship is for a man to be the more senior party. Then, you see terms like cradle robber and gold-digger, neither of which is favorable, both of which are judgmental.

Are Negative Stereotypes True or False

Thank heaven for scientific research to help us uncover fact versus fiction regarding a woman dating an older man!

Cradle-Robbing

When an older man dates a younger woman, it’s said he’s robbing the cradle. This stereotype falsely and automatically places the man in control of the relationship through the eyes of naysayers.

While older men seek out younger women, it isn’t to make a power play. Generally speaking, younger women have more energy, are more attractive, and have less baggage than women closer to them in age.

For these men, dating a younger woman makes them feel more alive and vibrant.

Gold-Digging

While the man is a cradle robber, the woman is a gold digger. This stereotype, of course, assumes that the only reason a woman would date an older man is for his money. Some dating sites even promote the idea of women finding a sugar daddy.

In other instances, it’s assumed that the man has some currency to offer the woman, if not money. It may be social status or professional assistance.

The truth is that younger women aren’t dating older men because they have more money or status. So why do women date older men?

Why Should You Consider Dating an Older Man?

He’s Moved Past the Crap

Let’s face it, if you’re a woman in your twenties or even young thirties, more than a few men in your age group still live at home or have a roommate. They want to come home after work and play video games or go out drinking with their friends.

They’re either immature or too wrapped up in themselves to be the man you want them to be.

An older man, one in his fifties or beyond, has moved past the crap. He understands the value of working to earn things and is self-sufficient. If he isn’t, he’s not your guy!

Many, but not all, men in this age group have been married before, perhaps profoundly in love, and want to experience that again. They’re serious about a relationship and want to find someone fun and vibrant to spend time with.

He’s Mastered Romance

When you’re dating an older man, you’re dating someone who’s figured out romance. He knows just how to woo you and says all the right things.

I know this is starting to sound like a player, but there’s a difference. A player wants something from you, often sex or money.

Dating an older man provides you with the opportunity to be in a grown-up relationship. He isn’t in this for sex or money. He’s interested in you because something about you piques his interest.

Dating an Older Man | He’s Patient

An older man isn’t in a hurry to advance your relationship. He wants to get to know you and spend time with you. Sure, he’s getting older, but we all believe we will live forever! This guy knows how to date you the right way.

He’s dating you because he finds you interesting, and he’s willing to take his time getting to know you. You should exercise patience as well and match his pace. This is true in any relationship.

An Older Man is Familiar

Some women in a 2016 study have familiarity with the older man. While many argue that women seeking out older men have daddy issues, the study proves this incorrect. Many of the women in the study had great relationships with their fathers, and the maturity of their chosen partner is familiar because of that relationship.

He’s More Stable and Secure

Just because a man is older doesn’t mean he’s wealthy, but it should mean he’s stable and secure, financially and otherwise.

By the time he hits his forties or fifties, he’s made most of the big life mistakes and found his stride. This makes the relationship less stressful and younger women feel more secure.

Dating an Older Man for Reproductive Reasons

Many reasons above indicate that an older man is better father material than a younger man.

Of course, in this case, you need to have a heart-to-heart conversation about whether he wants children this late in his life. Some men will, and some won’t. Be sure your guy doesn’t have a been there, done that attitude about children if you want a family.

Most Older Men Have Higher Confidence

There are exceptions to every rule, but older men generally have higher confidence. It goes back to making many of life’s big mistakes and learning from them.

His confidence helps you feel more confident as you explore life from the opposite side. You still have mistakes to make but having a seasoned veteran by your side enables you to get through.

He Wants Companionship and Conversation, Not Just Sex

An older man is less likely to want in your pants on a first date. He will enjoy the companionship of having you with him just as much as he’ll ultimately enjoy sex with you. Sex isn’t his number one goal. Again, there are exceptions to the rule.

When you’re dating an older man, you’re dating someone who enjoys the process of getting to know you and bonding with you just as much as sex.

dating an older man

The Cons of Dating an Older Man

While there are pros to dating an older man, there are also cons.

He Has Lots of Baggage

Living a longer life means more baggage. There are pretty good odds that he’s been in at least one long-term relationship, and those usually have their own baggage. He may have older children who are opposed to dad dating someone close to their age.

Kids may also be concerned that you’re out to steal their inheritance. The only way to soothe these worries is with time. Once they realize you aren’t in it for the money, they’ll settle down.

He Might Fear You’ll be Unfaithful

Everyone has their moments of insecurity in a relationship. An older man might fear that you’ll leave him for someone younger with more vitality.

This is especially true if you’re still hanging out with your younger friends at bars and clubs. Trust in any relationship comes with time, so prove your trustworthiness, and he’ll probably settle down. It may be time to find a new relationship if he doesn’t.

Dating an Older Man | You May Have Less in Common

While his age and experience are appealing, the chances of the two of you having a lot in common are slim. He’s probably into movies made before you were born and isn’t into the latest hip hop or whatever new-age music is popular.

This doesn’t mean an older man is out of the question. Be open to watching his 80’s movies and listening to his jazz or classic rock. You may find you enjoy it too. Also, introduce him to your likes; he may surprise you and come to enjoy them too.

His Partying Days are Probably Over

While you may enjoy hanging with your friends at a club or bar once in a while, he’s probably going to take a pass. He’s been there and done that and prefers a classic movie to headbanger music.

A compromise might work in your favor. He might not want to go clubbing, but he will appreciate it if you’ll join him for a quiet dinner somewhere special. He might even join you and your friends for a little while.

You’re Likely to Grow Apart

As you both age, you may grow apart. After a couple dozen years, many women report feeling duped or tricked. The shine has come off the superhero her older husband once was. Now, he’s just an ordinary man, an older man.

Sex Probably Isn’t What It Once Was

Women peak sexually in their late thirties to early forties, while men peak much younger. Therefore, dating an older man means he’s already past his peak by the time you meet him.

Dating an Older Man | He’s Not as Much Fun

While dating an older man was fun, a few years down the road, he’s less interested in doing anything too risqué and more into a quiet, settled life.

The problem is that you might not yet be ready for that settled feeling. Your same-age friends and their partners are still having fun together while you’re sitting at home watching reruns of Law and Order.

How to Succeed at Dating an Older Man

If you want to pursue dating an older man, you can do a few things to ensure your success.

The first is to ensure you align on the important things. You might not like the same genre of movies or music, but do you share the same goals? Do you both want to travel? Do you both enjoy weekend vacations in the mountains?

The next is to be yourself, but this advice goes for any relationship, regardless of the age gap. It’s never a good plan to try to be who you think a man might want you to be rather than just being yourself. Let him fall in love with the real you!

While you might not share some of the same interests, it will help if you take an interest in his likes, hobbies, and passions. He will most likely reciprocate, so it’s a win-win. As a bonus, you learn new things and maybe find a new hobby or passion too.

Next, avoid jealousy and insecurity. He has a past, and you weren’t part of it. He may have children or female friends who have been in his life for years. Jealousy won’t get you anywhere except dumped, so don’t bother.

Get to know the people in his world. Just because he’s older doesn’t mean all his friends and coworkers are older. These people are important to him. By getting to know them, you’re showing him that you’re serious about getting to know him.

Is Dating an Older Man for You?

Ultimately, only you can decide, but I encourage all women to try it at least once. I encourage women to date many different types of men. That’s how you discover what you like and don’t like.

Dating an older man can have many rewards, but there are pitfalls, so try to avoid them. Meanwhile, have fun!

To date a man, you must understand a man. Men and women do almost everything differently, and sometimes for different motivations. To a man, his financial status indicates how well he can take care of you and your family. It's a source of pride for him to be able to do so, even if you make your own money and can support yourself.

It's how he was raised.

Men also love differently. Many relationships breakup for the simple reason that a man is showing a woman how much he loves her, but he isn't saying the words she longs to hear. He's taking her car to get the oil changed, building the shelves she desires in her office and helping with the outside chores. You're probably missing many of these signs that he loves you.

You gain so much insight into the male mind that you'll be amazed at what you suddenly see and understand in the behavior of all men around you. Not just the man you're in a relationship with, but the men you work with and those in your family.

Read more about the book here or click the buttons to buy it today!

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