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The Difference Between Sex and Intimacy

The Difference Between Sex and Intimacy

I was driving the other day, thinking about nothing in particular and somehow, this question came up. Why do people confuse sex and intimacy? I’m guessing something someone said on the radio prompted this thought, but I got so lost in it, I couldn’t tell you who or in what context. It’s Kirbie today with the difference between sex and intimacy.

The Difference Between Sex and Intimacy

We were intimate.” This phrase bugs me. You were not intimate, you had sex. Intimacy is built without sex. Many couples who choose not to have sex before marriage have built a tremendous amount of intimacy. By the same token, many couples who have a lot of sex together have no intimacy. Intimacy is the emotional connection between you – the energy and passion. If you come home at the end of a really bad day, someone with whom you share intimacy will be right there to provide you the emotional support you need. He will pull you close, put his arms around you and make you feel suddenly protected from all of the evil which lurks outside.

How do You Build Intimacy if Not in the Bedroom?

Building intimacy happens in those little moments which almost go unnoticed. The late-night stroll in the park, hand in hand, where maybe you hardly say anything to one another. The support you provided to him when his childhood dog died – you were there, with a hug, to hold him as he grieved the loss. Gregg calls this ‘pennies in the jar’ in some of his books. He talks about collecting great moments together to build up a defense against a break-up. Sitting up all night talking after an old boyfriend announces his engagement, or going out to choose a new puppy from the animal shelter are things which build intimacy. I remember when my ex-husband and I were in high school – we were both 16. His sister had cystic fibrosis, and at 19, she was a case study doctors wrote about. In 1979, people with CF didn’t live as long as she had. After a final battle with her lungs, she asked to go home – she asked to die. He came to my house that evening, in obvious and deep pain. Even though we were only 16, this was a very intimate experience for us. I held him in my arms while he cried and cried over his loss. I’ll never forget it. I think of him to this day. Intimacy also happens in those moments where you know your partner so well, it scares you – and vice versa. He brings you your favorite latte on a Saturday morning, along with your favorite cinnamon raisin bagel, toasted just how you like it. You recognize at lunchtime he’s having a really bad day, so you plan to take him out to dinner at his favorite place, or cook his favorite dinner at home. You go out of your way to play a fun evening for him and his friends when his team makes the playoffs – you get their favorite beer, order up some pizzas and head off with your girlfriends while they watch the game. Another way in which you can build intimacy is to express your love in front of others. If this makes him uncomfortable, this might not be a good idea, but if he’s into public displays of affection, this goes a long way.

How to Kill Intimacy

I’ve also been in relationships where I’ve watched intimacy dwindle away. One sure-fire way to begin killing intimacy is to stop spending time together. If you live together, this could mean sleeping in separate bedrooms – or sleeping at the same time. While having sex won’t necessarily build intimacy, avoiding sex with each other is a sure-fire way to kill it. Becoming a workaholic is another great way to kill intimacy. If all of your energy suddenly goes into your work, you will be too exhausted to devote any time or energy to your partner. You won’t be thinking about stopping on the way home to buy his favorite cut of steak or grabbing the Sunday Times because you know he likes to do the crossword. Allow your confidence to take a nose dive, or watch his confidence tank. This is another intimacy-killer. If your confidence starts to dwindle, maybe because of a setback at work or some other event in your life, it can begin to put a wall between you – especially if you are one who doesn’t share those things well – someone who internalizes everything.

Building a Lasting Relationship

Whether you’re married or dating, you should always be building those intimate moments. It’s not all on you to do it, but it’s something to always keep in mind. When you see your partner start slipping in some of these activities, it’s a signal to you. If he starts sleeping at different times or working a lot, something needs to be addressed. These ‘pennies in the jar’ keep your relationship solid. You can even think of them as one way to avoid the dreaded affair. Never stop accumulating them! You’ll be ‘rich’ beyond your wildest dreams – at least in terms of your relationship.
Let’s Talk about Sex in a Relationship

Let’s Talk about Sex in a Relationship

I get a lot of emails from my readers about sex. I answer them all individually but I leave the sex tips to the plethora of books and articles out there. I try to stay above the fray, if you will. Sex in a relationship is huge! Even if you are just hooking up – sex is huge. These things are hard to ignore, and let’s not forget, sex is extremely enjoyable second to – wait for it – nothing! Ok, food, money and good health is up there too but sex is pretty friggin’ awesome when it’s done right (and safely.) I always say men fail in the bedroom and I try to help my readers understand the need to teach their guy how to please them, but I rarely point out how women fall short with men! Oral sex is not just oral sex. Intercourse is not just intercourse! In my stupid, horny years I slept with a lot of women (yeah I know) and to this day I remember a few, not because they were beautiful, but because I remember how spectacular they were in the sack. I mean, one woman made my eyeballs spin around the in back of my brain – spectacular! Click Here for the Sex Book! We can’t ignore the fact that sex is a very important component in all relationships. If you want to keep your guy, you need to feed him filet mignon in the bedroom instead of hamburger helper! Should a relationship be based on sex? Of course not, although many relationships do survive longer than they should because of great sex. If you are going be a complete Jedi woman, as I teach in all my books, you need to be a master Jedi in the bedroom. This will complete your game, increase enjoyment for both of you 10 fold and keep your guy from ever straying. Can you imagine how many times the two of you are going to hop in the sack, do it in an elevator or join the mile high club if the sex is spectacular? Great sex should also keep a man off the porn sites, unless it includes you. Blow-by-BlowI am not going to write articles on oral sex and intercourse here, but we do need to address this subject and I have just the guy to help you. His name is Michael Webb and he is Oprah’s love expert who also happens to be a friend of mine. He has coached over ten thousand couples worldwide and is one of the most respected experts in his field. What he teaches is excellent and he does it in a professional way. I strongly recommend what he has to offer. Here is one great example! I believe this book is a must for any woman who wants to keep her guy and keep him happy! Click Here check it out! You are my motivation, Gregg  
Sex and the new relationship: When is the right time for sex?

Sex and the new relationship: When is the right time for sex?

Gregg today and I have a guest post to share with you. This one comes from someone you’ve heard from before, Amber, who shared her relationship story with us a couple of weeks ago. She has a great topic to share with you today! Amber will help answer this age-old question: When is the right time for sex?

Hey ladies, Amber here! You’ve heard the old adage, “Why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?” Well, maybe there’s some truth to that. Taking it slow can actually be a good thing in a new relationship, even if he is incredibly irresistible.

WebMD and relationship experts, including Gregg, overwhelmingly agree a cautious approach to sex is best when dating. In fact, they believe jumping into the sack too soon can lead to some seriously emotional (and possibly even physical) consequences. It takes time to get to know another person, and it’s especially hard to see what he is really all about when you get lost in the heat of passion. What if he’s not such a good guy? What if he sleeps around? Can you trust him? Is he looking for a committed, monogamous relationship? Or just sex. Have you known him long enough to REALLY know?

The sad truth is, men are wired to want to have sex — to conquer as many women as possible and spread their seed. Yes, even the nice guys…. at first. A woman is wired differently. We want to have the love of just one man and a family to nurture. If you let a guy “conquer” you too quickly, he will move on to the next woman just as quickly. But if you are a challenge, he will pursue you. And when he finally wins you, he will cherish and honor you. You will become his ultimate prize. I know, it all sounds so primitive and primal, but it’s also pretty accurate. Sleeping with a man on the first, or even after the third or fourth date, is probably too soon. Intelligent, confident women should know this, but still, we sometimes fall prey to their wily ways. A player is always going to play, but a good guy may just end up marrying you if you wait until you KNOW he is genuinely in love with you, and is committed to only you.

So let’s say you meet a guy you are really attracted to. You’ve been on a bunch of dates and have great conversations. Time passes, and you both feel a real connection, emotionally and physically. You may even be thinking this guy could possibly be THE ONE. Whenever you’re together your feelings grow even stronger, and you may be wondering when to take your relationship to the next level. When is the right time to get to know him intimately? When the time is right, you’ll both know. You can’t plan it, and you wouldn’t want to.

But remember, in any relationship, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open no matter what. If you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. So if you really are thinking about taking that next step together (to the bedroom) and the time is right, have an honest conversation about what you want out of this relationship and where you two are headed. STDs also need to be discussed (condoms should be used, even in a committed relationship). Be up front now about ALL your concerns and expectations, before it’s too late. If he really cares about you, he won’t mind. You don’t want to get your heart broken, and you certainly don’t want an accidental pregnancy. It can happen, even if it’s just one time, and even if you’re careful. Sex might be fun, but raising a child on your own, or being tied FOREVER to the wrong guy, is probably not so fun.

Dating can be difficult. Even though your brain tells you to wait as long as you can with a guy, sometimes the heat of the moment takes over, and “as long as you can” becomes RIGHT NOW! If you decide a one-night stand is fine by you, be up front with the guy and make your intentions clear. You should treat him the same way you would want to be treated. Guys can get their hearts broken too, you know.

On the other hand, if you are looking for a committed relationship that will go the distance, make sure you have an emotional connection, not just a physical one, and it will be worth the wait. Making love is way better than just sex. And sex changes everything…. Hopefully in a good way!

My new eBook, Manimals: Understanding Different Types of Men and How To Date Them, is all about the different types of men, their traits, their likes and dislikes, the pros and cons of dating them, and whether or not they’re even datable at all (hint: some aren’t). And it isn’t your typical book. Manimals is interactive, including infographics and videos that help bring the information to life — plus you’ll have the chance to tell YOUR story! Women who purchase this book will have the option of sharing how they successfully, or not so successfully, dealt with a Manimal, and be part of the story! Each month, I will update the book with new submissions. There’s no telling how big this book could become! Instructions will be included in the book on how to update your purchase each month so you can see won’t miss a thing.

9 Bedroom Mistakes You May be Making Without Knowing It

9 Bedroom Mistakes You May be Making Without Knowing It

As women, we think about sex differently than men. For us, sex is an emotional experience, while for men, it’s purely physical. We think about sex less often than men do, we take longer to reach orgasm, and we are stimulated in different ways. None of those things are good or bad, they just are. It’s biology and there isn’t much we can do about it. What we can do, though, is fix some things that might be a little bit off.

We Fake Orgasms

This is something most women have done, but that doesn’t mean it is right. Women report having an orgasm about 26% of the time while men report their partner reaching orgasm roughly 45% of the time. Does anyone see an old movie clip here? (think Meg Ryan). When a woman fakes an orgasm, she is denying herself pleasure. That’s not a good thing, and most men do want to please us, so in addition, we are denying him the information he needs to truly please us. If we fake it, he thinks he’s hitting a homerun.

We Get Comfy

While the cami and sweats may be comfy to wear to bed it’s also kind of a buzz-kill. Men are visual, so unless this is the look that turns him on, we’re probably not inspiring him sexually with this outfit. I’m not saying you need to have a drawer full of sexy lingerie, but now and then, heat things up with something that cost more than $4 at Old Navy. We Engage in Passive Participation Sex is give and take, a two-person activity. We can’t expect to hop into bed and lie there like robots. We need to be active participants. In order for both people to enjoy sex, both need to gain pleasure out of the activity. If the problem is not being in the mood, we should tell our guy and ask for another time. A high value man will understand.

We’re using the bedroom as a storage unit

Again, men are visual creatures (have you picked up a theme here?). Having a bedroom that looks like a storage unit, with stacks of clothing (clean or dirty), toys heading off to consignment, magazines, books, shoes and purses lying all around does not create the mood conducive to sex. It also isn’t a very relaxing space for sleeping, which can ultimately lead to fatigue and not being in the mood for sex as well. Hop on Pinterest® and find some organization tips and put that mess away.

Assuming that if He Turns You Down for Sex He’s Got Someone on the Side

We should NOT listen to our girlfriends when they tell us this – they’re wrong! Women haven’t got the market cornered on being ‘in’ or ‘out of’ the mood for sex. Men can say they’re ‘not in the mood’, just like we can. It doesn’t mean they have a girlfriend on the side. It doesn’t mean that those pesky 3 pounds have finally turned him off. It means he’s not in the mood. He had a bad day, he’s tired, he doesn’t feel well – it doesn’t matter. He’s not in the mood. Try finding something relaxing to do with him – who knows what will happen – and even if nothing happens, he will appreciate the attentiveness to how he felt.

Hoping that Telling Him EVERYTHING He’s Doing Wrong in Bed will Fix Things

When was the last time you thanked someone for spelling out all of your faults? I’m guessing somewhere between now and never. Men don’t like it either, especially as it relates to sex. Men want to please women sexually – really they do! Rather than giving a guy a list of flaws, try commending the things he does right, and give him some ‘gentle’ guidance when he’s a bit off. Having said this, another mistake is to go the other way and give too many instructions. This can be overload, and ultimately sends the same message. Gentle guidance and not a 20 point list is the way to go.

We Want to Talk About Our Day

Probably one of the biggest differences between men and women comes in the form of talking, either before or after sex. Men definitely don’t want to have a nice little chit-chat about the day after sex. They’re done, wasted, no energy. Before sex, they need those visual cues, not to rehash your day. In addition, if it’s during the week, both people may have had long work days, followed by having dinner, cleaning it up, putting kids to bed or any number of other routine activities. Talking about the day may take up the last energy both have, leaving everybody too tired to even bother.

We Don’t Keep Our Fingernails to Ourselves

I was surprised to read how often men have actual scratch marks and/or scars from women running their salon-manufactured nails down their man’s back. Unless he’s into this, don’t do this. Avoid any type of sexual ‘marks’ as much as possible. If you just can’t control yourself in the heat of the moment, then get rid of the daggers.

We Ignore Good Hygiene

Nobody wants to go to bed with the smelly girl. It only takes a few minutes to hop in the shower and brush your teeth. If you have time to spritz on his favorite cologne, BONUS! By the same token, don’t go to bed with rough stubble or sandpaper for feet. I know, I hear you – all of that takes time, but it’s worth it to please your man. Besides, you and I both know that you feel better when all of that is right in your world anyway!

Final Thoughts

I realize that there are things men do that drive us nuts too, but that’s for a different post. The point here can be boiled down to a couple of things really. An intimate relationship between two people works best when both of them communicate, are considerate of one another and take good care of themselves.
Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone

Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone

It’s frustrating to be in a relationship and wonder why he won’t commit but won’t leave you alone. You want to either advance your relationship or get out of it, but there he is, constantly drawing you back in.

Why won’t he commit? Why is he so stuck on you? What the heck can you do about it?

Keep reading!

why he won't commit but won't leave you alone

Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone | He Fears Rejection

Women don’t own the market for being rejected in relationships. Men get rejected too and it hurts us just as badly. When a guy has been rejected, it makes it much more difficult for him to commit again.

Oh, he wants to commit. He might even know he loves you, but that fear is eating away at his insides. He’s been here before and it ended with what felt like a kick to the gonads. This is a big reason why he won’t commit but won’t leave you alone.

Because of this, he doesn’t like conflict either, so when the natural disagreements of a relationship occur, he tucks his tail and runs, rather than try to settle things with a discussion. His history is that it doesn’t work.

He might talk to you about the issue over text or email, but not face-to-face. He can’t handle it. So, he withdraws and cools his heels. Depending on how bad the disagreement was, he’ll either come back slowly or continue to retreat until he’s fully gone if you haven’t already broken up with him by then.

Men often have a problem with conflict because they weren’t raised to know how to deal with negative emotions like stress and anxiety. They have a harder time soothing and calming themselves after a disagreement, so they’ll pull back to calm down.

If your guy fears rejection, he might show it by avoiding arguments. He pulls away before you can.

Oh the Mysterious Ways of Men!

There's no way for a woman to know intuitively what to expect from a man. That's why I'm here! There are many differences between men and women and this article shows you a few. But there are others. Click the button below to read those articles too!

He Doesn’t Want to Feel Smothered

Many young boys start life with a strong attachment to their mothers. It’s natural. In many instances, she’s the one nurturing him through infancy and his toddler years. But when he starts striking out on his own, the attachment should begin to dissolve. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen.

Mom stays ever-present, even though junior is an independent young man. The more she smothers, the less he wants to be smothered as an adult.

And you shouldn’t be smothering him anyway. That’s not a healthy relationship. Your need to smother stems from your own insecurity in the relationship and a lack of other things to do to occupy your mind and time.

Some men don’t have the mother issue, but that doesn’t mean they want to be smothered. No healthy person does.

While you might not think you’re smothering him, it might be a good idea to learn what his mother may have done that made him feel smothered. You might be doing something that you don’t think is a problem, but it is to him.

A guy who fears being smothered can feel love, but when it comes to making a commitment, he feels like he can’t be himself. He can’t spend time with his buddies or go off on a fishing weekend for fear of retaliation.

If your guy seems to be harboring this fear, pull back and find your own things to do. Forge new friendships. Develop new hobbies. Join a gym or take a cooking class. Anything to occupy your mind and time and let him have his time.

Once he sees that you aren’t going to smother him any longer, things should improve.

why he won't commit but won't leave you alone

Why He Won’t Commit | You Have Different Priorities

Everyone grows at a different pace. When you’re young and either in college or just out, your priorities are different from someone who’s been working for several years and may feel like their chance to have a family is slowly declining.

As we grow and mature, we do so at different paces. When you met your guy, you were both on a career track. Fresh out of college, the two of you both wanted to get great jobs and move out on your own. That feeling of renting your first apartment or buying your first car is powerful and motivating.

Then you both get into your careers, and he decides he wants to settle down and have a family, but you’ve decided to go for an advanced degree. Now your priorities are different, and a commitment might not make sense.

Things can get sticky if your expectations don’t meet his priorities or vice versa. Sometimes, you can talk this out or come to a resolution, but not always.

You need an open and honest discussion where you each lay out your priorities and expectations to see if there’s a way to line it all up. Sometimes you can find a way; sometimes you can’t.

He May Feel He’s Unlovable

When someone grows up undervalued or not being validated as a child, they come to believe they aren’t lovable. It’s simple – their history is all the proof they need. A man who grew up like this feels unlovable, as if he’s never going to be good enough for you. He’s insecure and has low self-esteem and low self-worth.

He asks for your approval or validation frequently, “Did you enjoy that restaurant tonight?” How he feels is determined by how you feel. This is a classic codependent relationship.

Because he feels unworthy of you, he’ll pull back as soon as commitment becomes an issue. The “L” word strikes fear into his heart in a big way. In the quest to understand why he won’t commit but won’t leave you alone, consider this a strong possibility.

If you flirt with another guy, he’ll be devastated. The same goes for talking to your ex or, heaven forbid, cheating. He won’t fight to win you back if you cheat on him. He’ll just withdraw into a ball of self-hate and believe even less in his ability to be worthy of a good woman.

This type of guy is more comfortable doing solitary things, like playing computer games or solitary sports like golf. He’s probably quiet or shy and seeks approval by appearing to be helpful. He’s unable to talk about his wants or needs because he’s afraid of scaring you.

Why He Won’t Commit | He Doesn’t Believe He’s Good Enough for You

This is a little different from feeling he isn’t lovable. A few of the ingredients that go into men rely on a man’s ability to earn a good living and provide for his family.

If a guy feels he’s falling short of being able to provide, he’ll also feel he isn’t good enough for you. While men are usually okay with having a girlfriend or wife who works, what’s sometimes hard to swallow is when she earns more than he does.

Many men grow up believing that they need to succeed at everything they do. It’s not a man thing, but I think it’s probably more prominent in men. If a man falls short in school, sports, gaming, relationships, as a lover, parent, or breadwinner, he’ll feel less than worthy of you or any other woman.

Another way this happens is if a boy is raised by a single mom who constantly tells him he’s the man of the house before he’s physically and emotionally prepared to be that person. The spoken and unspoken expectations are too high, and he’ll always feel like it’s failing. This leaves him feeling unworthy of being the man he thinks he should be before he’s even had a chance to truly be a man.

The more he’s into you, the worse his fear of not being good enough for you. You’ll see signs of his insecurity:

  • Bragging and exaggerating about his accomplishments, often to the point of lying
  • Making sure you know about his wins
  • Shrinking away from you if he experiences a setback
  • Finding another woman who makes him feel good about himself
why he won't commit but won't leave you alone

He’s Ashamed of Something from His Past

When a person has something in their past that they either feel ashamed of now or were made to feel ashamed of then, they feel vulnerable. Many men don’t handle vulnerability well. It’s not how they were raised. It seems to be getting better now, but men of my generation were raised to suck it up and deal. Don’t show emotions. Never let them see you sweat. That sort of thing.

Consequently, if he has something in his background that he’s ashamed of, he might shy away from a commitment over a fear of being discovered.

The thing he’s ashamed of might not even be that big of a deal to you, but somewhere in his past, it was made a big deal, so it’s a big deal to him.

The other way in which a man might feel shame is if he perceives he has a flaw of some sort. It might be his height or lack of hair, or something else like a scar or other physical defect.

He may feel like he’s always falling short of other men. He doesn’t get the big promotion, but he gets a smaller one. Instead of earning valedictorian for his graduating class, he came in second. These things don’t matter to you as much as they matter to him, so you might not understand why it’s such a big deal, but it is.

Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone | He Can’t Trust Women

Divorce can be ugly for many couples. The disdain they feel for one another filters in and everything blows up. I have a friend who went through this very thing.

Jerry was happily married for ten years. He and his wife Maggie have three children, now all adults, but at the time of their divorce, their two younger kids were still in elementary school. Maggie decided she wanted a divorce when the goals she and Jerry had seemed to be at odds.

Their divorce was epic. They went to court every six months because Maggie refused to be compliant with court orders that enabled Jerry to see and spend time with his kids. Jerry fully supported his kids with child support, even though they slowly gravitated to living with him. He also offered her more alimony than was required because he wanted her to be able to go back to college and get a degree.

Meanwhile, Maggie falsely accused him of things like abusing their kids and other similar behaviors, all of which were found to be untrue.

None of it mattered and Jerry is now in a position where he loves a woman but is terrified of making a commitment. He doesn’t trust this girlfriend because of everything Maggie put him through.

Often it is a divorce that causes a man to distrust women, but this can also come from a childhood where his mother or another important female figure wasn’t there for him when he needed her. Often the answer to the question of why he won’t commit but won’t leave you alone involves this problem.

When a man suffers from a lack of trust in women, he’ll often speak negatively about his mother or his exes. He’ll claim to be a victim of things women have done to him and might even say he doesn’t believe in marriage.

You’re Locked in a Power Struggle

When an alpha woman and an alpha man date, a power struggle is as certain as the sun setting in the evening and rising in the morning. Two alphas can be in a relationship, but a lot of negotiating is often required.

The attraction between two alphas is mesmerizing, but the power struggle that results can be polarizing.

Two people in charge rarely works because of the personalities behind each of them. An alpha man will rarely concede control to a woman. It’s not in his nature to do so. If you’re an alpha woman and you’re dating an alpha man, you’ll probably need to give up leadership in the relationship if you want it to survive.

When two alphas meet, there is a natural fight for position. For animals, this fight is physical, but for alpha humans, it’s often a mental fight.

The problem is that alphas, male and female, know what they want and they aren’t afraid to go for it. The high level of intelligence and drive that attracts you to him is what also causes strife.

Alpha men will date alpha women, but they’ll often marry women who aren’t alphas because they don’t want the fight. They need to be in control and the only way to do that is to date a woman who isn’t an alpha.

If you’re an alpha woman, the best man for you might be a beta.

10 Advantages of Dating a Beta Man

why he won't commit but won't leave you alone

Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone | He Fears He Can’t Make the Right Decision

Many people have problems making what they perceive to be the right decision. He’s never sure about which car to buy, which neighborhood is the best to live in, whether he really likes where he works, and so on.

As soon as he makes one choice, he thinks of all the reasons to regret it. It can take a man with this issue years to decide on what car to buy, which, of course, is problematic because cars are always changing.

The same applies to deciding on what woman to choose for the rest of his life. As soon as he thinks about committing to you, his mind becomes anxious over whether there are other women out there who are better for him.

People going through this often face analysis paralysis – they analyze something so much that a decision becomes impossible.

This type of guy is usually very intelligent and intellectual. It’s that intelligence that is his worst enemy. He overthinks things and obsesses over decisions. He’ll spend hours on Google® researching possibilities and will think he’s decided numerous times before he does. He spends a lot of time second-guessing himself.

The best way to get this type of guy to realize you’re the woman for him is to allow him to miss you in his life. Yep – leave. You aren’t getting anywhere with him as things are anyway, so your best plan is to move on without him.

Sometimes a guy will wake up and realize what he’s lost, and he’ll come back to you. Other times, he’ll continue in the same destructive relationship pattern.

How to Overcome His Fear of Commitment

The first step in overcoming his fear of commitment is to find out why he carries this fear inside. It could be one or more of the things you’ve read above, but how can you find out?

Have an Open and Honest Discussion

I know this strikes fear right away. You’re thinking, “But Gregg, if I ask him about this, it’ll push him away!!” He’s already pushing away from you, so you can either try to pull him back in or shove him out the door.

Either way, a discussion is a great step. He probably realizes he’s carrying some anxiety over the commitment, but he might not be sure why. Sometimes just talking to someone can push that why to the forefront. He has an ah-ha moment and recognizes what he needs to do next.

He may say he thinks you’re moving too fast. In that instance, you can establish a timeline you can both agree upon and stick to it. Regardless of what his reason is, talking about it helps you both understand what you’re dealing with.

Work Together to Fix Problems

If the problem is different priorities or that he feels smothered, you can work on those things. Compromise is necessary in any relationship, but you first need to know where those compromises need to be.

Both of you need to be great listeners so you can truly hear what the other person is saying. Don’t try to inject your own stuff into whatever he’s saying. Hear him out and think about what he’s said before you reply. Hopefully, he will do the same, and if he doesn’t, kindly ask him to hear you out.

Fixing problems starts by recognizing what the problems are. If you can do that, you can often come to some sort of agreement on how to move forward in a way that supports you both.

Determine What Your Limits Are

You should have a limit – a timeframe by which things need to change, and so should he. For example, if the issue is that he has issues with trust or feels unworthy, he probably needs to seek professional counseling to help him overcome it. You need to allow him time. Time to get the nerve to make the appointment, then time to work with that professional to overcome his issues.

Additionally, if he needs some sort of therapy, he may ask you to participate. His bottom line might be your participation or lack thereof. Yours might be that he participates in counseling for some period.

Either way, you need limits. If he puts off seeking professional help for three months, you’re out. If he makes the appointment but doesn’t go, you’re out. Decide what your limits are and be generous enough to allow him time to do what he needs to do.

Once the limit is passed, you should follow through, unless you can see some slow progress and you’re willing to wait. Don’t wait forever for a man who won’t put in the effort to be with you. You deserve a man who will work hard for your relationship.

why he won't commit but won't leave you alone

Why He Won’t Commit But Won’t Leave You Alone | What the Risks are for You

You wonder why he won’t commit but won’t leave you alone, but have you considered the risks for yourself? 

You Develop an Unrealistic Acceptance of the Situation

You’re having fun with him. The sex is great and you have fun together. Eventually, he’ll commit, right?

Wrong. Your delusions are keeping you from seeing how dysfunctional the relationship really is. You only see the actions he performs that seem to indicate he’s into you and you ignore all the signs that he’ll never commit.

That leads to the next risk.

Your Self-Esteem Decreases

As he strings you along, not committing but not setting you free, you begin to feel as if you’re unworthy of love. He never sends you a card or brings you flowers. He never surprises you in the spur of the moment.

Those little things are signs of caring, so if you aren’t seeing them from him, you may begin to believe you’re unworthy or unlovable, just like he does.

You Lose Time

The more time you spend on a man who won’t commit, the less time you’re spending on finding a man who will.

If you’re young, you might not care much right now, but as you get older, time becomes more precious to you. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, so it’s important to Live Like You’re Dying.

Of course, you have two options. You can stay with him, considering him to be good enough, or you can ditch this effort and find a man who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

You’re Risking Heartbreak

At some point, if he doesn’t work out his issues, he’ll break your heart, then you’ll come to me wanting to get him back. This is assuming you don’t settle for whatever minimal attention he gives to you and your relationship.

Sticking with a man who won’t commit and won’t work through the issues that are preventing him from committing is setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone | Conclusion

Ultimately, the decision is yours. You can continue to date a man who won’t make a commitment to you, or you can move on and find a loving man who will make a commitment to you.

Many of the reasons why he won’t commit aren’t his fault. They’re the result of how other people have treated him in the past. Regardless of how much you think you’ve proven yourself to be different, those scars still remain.

Remember, it’s not your job to fix him, but that doesn’t mean you can’t discuss the problem with him and provide him the support he needs to fix it on his own.

For some men, this means retreating from the relationship entirely. That’s what many guys do when they need to deal with their emotions. If so, be patient, and if you say you’ll wait, then wait. Don’t become part of the problem by breaking a promise to him.

Set limits for how long you’re willing to wait so he has the motivation to work hard and not poke around. This way, you both have a hard deadline or rule for when you’ve waited long enough.

Just because he can’t commit to you now doesn’t mean he won’t be able to if he works things out.

Are you living like you're dying, or are you plugging along on autopilot, waiting for something great to happen but not really pursuing it? Is your life as fulfilling as it can be? Do you dream of a different life? Do you sometimes feel as if you're walking through life, half asleep?

If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions, you need to Live Like You're Dying. Learn to embrace life, take chances and life the life you want to live, free of fear and anxiety, full of experiences and exploration! Learn more about the book here or buy it by clicking on one of the buttons below.

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