Long Distance Relationships Can Work
Long distance relationships can work, contrary to what many people believe. Of course they have their challenges, but so do traditional relationships. Proximity in terms of miles is not a precursor for relationship success or failure.
Back in the day, long-distance relationships (LDRs) were more challenging because there was no Internet, no Facetime, no Zoom. There was no easy and inexpensive way to communicate with your loved one.
If you wanted to call, you needed to be prepared to pay the long-distance phone bill that would result. Today, you can call anywhere in the world without it costing more than your monthly phone bill.
We’ve come a long way, baby.
Not only that, but the possibility of meeting great people has opened up with the dozens, if not hundreds of online dating services that are available now. You can meet anyone in the world.
So what challenges are unique to long-distance relationships? Is it true that long-distance relationships can work, or are they destined for failure based on distance alone? How can you ensure that your LDR will withstand the test of distance?
Summary: There are challenges to any relationship, but the challenges to today’s long-distance relationship are different from those twenty years ago. Today, instead of struggling to pay just to communicate, couples must balance busier than ever work schedules, the expense of travel, unrealistic expectations, and building intimacy from a distance. However, when you go into an LDR viewing it as a challenge from the start, are you creating a bigger problem or being realistic?
What are the Challenges of an LDR?
Long Distance Relationships Can Work With the Right Expectations
When you’re able to see and chat with someone on the daily, you share all of the most mundane aspects of your life, as well as the big stuff. It all gets lumped into the daily conversation.
How are you today, babe?
Oh, I’m ok. I have a bit of a headache but I’m sure it’ll go away.
Great. Are we still on for dinner at The Pub later?
Sure! I’m in. Can’t wait!!
But when you only see your partner once a month, you don’t want to waste time on the mundane. Your expectation may be that when you arrive at his condo, he’ll have candles flitting in the dimly lit room, a romantic dinner, and a magical evening planned.
Still, when you arrive, he’s just gotten home himself from a long day at work. He hasn’t even thought about dinner, let alone had time to go to those lengths. He’s exhausted from a long week of work, and you’re exhausted from work, then travel.
All the two of you want to do is flop on the sofa with some Chinese takeout and a Netflix binge. The weekend flies by and before you know it, you’re back home in your own condo, wondering where the magic was.
The truth is that even though your relationship is long-distance, life still marches on to its regular beat. You both still have chores and things to do on those weekends when you’re hosting your significant other. While a magical evening sounds great, it isn’t always practical.
Jealousy and Infidelity
When you’re in an LDR, it’s so easy to allow your imagination to run wild when you’re apart, and even when you’re together.
You’ve come to town for a visit, and he wants to take you to this great new little hole-in-the-wall place he’s discovered, so you go.
Immediately, your jealousy hackles rise up as the hostess is very very friendly towards your beau.
Hey Gregg, it’s so great to see you again. Same table? It’s available.
WTHeck is going on??? She knows his first name? He has a table?
Now, when you’re not together, you wonder what he’s up to. Is he back there? Is she flirting with him again? Clearly she likes him. Anyone can see that!
The truth might be that good old Gregg isn’t that much into cooking and he prefers to eat out. This place has a lot of the same types of foods he ate as a child and it makes him feel at home. It has nothing to do with the pretty girl at the entrance.
It may also be that Gregg is a social being who enjoys the personal touches that this little place brings. He’s new to town and he really enjoys finding these new friends. You can’t be his only friend in life, especially if he is a social type.
Is infidelity a possibility? Sure it is, but that’s true of any relationship, not just an LDR. Just because he likes that the hostess knows his name doesn’t mean he’s willing to share other things with her…like his bed.
Financial Strain
This one is obvious and is true of relationships today and twenty years ago. In fact, with the cost of travel today, it may be even more challenging than it was back then.
It may be that you can’t afford to take three days off of work every other week to go, especially if you work an hourly job or you don’t get the same days off as your partner.
The truth is that you must budget for visits, and this is true regardless of which side of the travel you’re on. As you saw in the part about expectations, you may feel a strong need to make his weekend with you unforgettable.
This might mean going the extra mile for meals, sprucing up your apartment, maybe even getting a new outfit to wow him. None of these things are really necessary, mind you, because he loves you for you, not your stuff or your wardrobe, but still, I get it.
And even just the extra miles of travel, whether by car, train, or plane, can be expensive. Sure, you can get frequent flyer miles for flying but that doesn’t loosen the immediate grip on your wallet.
Long Distance Relationships Can Work With Boundaries
When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’re sort of living two separate lives when you’re apart. He has his work and friends, and you have yours. These lives are happening while you’re apart from one another.
So, when one visits the other, jealousy can erupt. Not so much over potential infidelity, but just the life being lived without the other partner.
You sit at a bar with your beau and he and his friends are all chuckling over something that happened the last time they got together. But you weren’t there, and you feel left out and jealous of his fun times without you.
It’s possible you even feel like he spends too much time with his friends when you’re around. Shouldn’t he be spending all of his time with you? You’re there for such a short time after all.
It might feel like there are no boundaries – no limit to how he spends his time when he’s with you. This is just like any other weekend he has when you aren’t there.
Not Recognizing Real Problems or Blowing Problems Up
Real problems occur in long-distance relationships, and they’re handled in one of three ways.
The first is that you recognize the problem and work on fixing it in a healthy way, having calm and honest conversations with one another about a potential solution to the problem.
The second is that you ignore the problem, attributing it to the distance or the stress of being apart. It’ll be no big deal when you’re together.
The third is that you blow it way out of proportion and make it a much bigger deal than it really is, causing friction and unnecessary stress in the relationship.
Questions About Relationship Status
When you can’t really see someone regularly, you may make assumptions about whether he’s as committed to the relationship as you are. It’s difficult to read someone’s body language over Facetime or Zoom, and definitely over texts.
Insecurity can cause all kinds of unfounded problems and make you feel like you’re in a constant state of almost losing him.
The problem is that boosting your insecurities, for him, can be tedious and not worth it. He feels like he’s doing everything he can to show you that he cares, but it’s never enough.
Your perception is that he isn’t showing you enough that he cares and his perception is that he’s doing a fine job of it.
Long Distance Relationships Can Work with Great Communication
Probably the biggest problem relationships can have, close or long-distance is communication. I’d like to say it’s a bigger problem in long-distance relationships, and maybe it really is, but from where I sit as a dating coach, I’d say any relationship is at risk.
Some challenges are different, but many are the same.
Oversharing
For example, communicating by text all day long leaves you nothing to talk about when you either Facetime one another later or see each other face to face. You’ve already dribbled all of the bits and pieces of your day to one another. Messages seen and replied to.
So, what’s left to talk about? A stiff silence rests between you until one of you finds something to fill the void.
Varying Communication Styles
Another challenge is the communication styles of men and women. You already know this exists but maybe not why. Men use few words and use them effectively. Every word is important. Just the facts ma’am.
Women use many words, most of which carry emotion and not a lot of fact. You may write him a twelve-line text about something really important, but all he sees is twelve lines and he imagines that nothing good comes from that much of a text. He ignores it and waits a few hours to reply.
Or worse yet, he simply says, “okay” and this infuriates you.
Our Inability to Listen
Other communication problems come from our inability to listen. Listening is a skill that it seems like most people do not have. Instead of truly listening to someone, we’re already formulating our response, a response that will best whatever it is the other person is saying.
You climbed up the rock wall at the rec? Pfffft I climbed a real rock last summer. And off you go. While he was talking about how he overcame a tremendous fear of heights by doing this, you’re already besting him, not even listening.
Fighting From a Distance
Probably the biggest no-no of a long-distance relationship is picking a fight while you’re apart. It’s too easy to text or email hurtful things because you can’t see the face of the person you’re speaking to. It’s impersonal.
It’s also not a fair fight. You might send a text and he’s in the middle of an important work meeting. He either sees your angry text and he loses focus in the meeting, or he ignores the text, maybe even has his phone silenced, and doesn’t see it for hours.
Now, you’re upset because he didn’t reply as soon as you thought he should have, and you’ve added to your anger.
It’s okay to be upset with someone but fight fair. Hold off the conversation for when you can at least talk on Facetime if not in person. This allows cooler heads to be present for working on the problem. You’ve had time to think about things, and you can be more reasonable in the discussion of the problem.
Long Distance Relationships Can Work, Right? What Does Science Say?
My associate, Kirbie, loves to do research and she did some on this topic for us. Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of science on this topic that is recent enough to account for the newer technology that couples can use to maintain closeness.
Still, some of the research that’s a little older tells us that long-distance relationships have no greater chance of breaking up than relationships of closer proximity. The overall consensus is that a relationship is a relationship, regardless of distance.
The challenges mentioned above are more common challenges of LDR’s but many of those are also challenges of closer relationships too.
Perhaps It’s More About Perspective and Other Factors
I’m a firm believer that we think our way into how situations will play out.
For example, a person who lacks confidence is more likely to anticipate jealousy, not because their partner shows signs of looking for someone else, but because they don’t believe that they’re lovable and can enjoy a happy relationship.
This is something that is true of any relationship.
It’s also possible that your expectations are negative right from the start.
This will never work out.
I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I can’t see him every day.
Long distance relationships are hard.
These are called limiting beliefs, and they can have a serious impact on the outcomes we experience. You might even call them self-fulfilling prophecies. You end up getting what you expected to get.
Long distance relationships can work when the circumstances are right.
Many people in LDRs experience very satisfying relationships, so they can’t be impossible. These people don’t cheat, don’t feel jealousy, and have the right expectations of how their in-person visits will go.
How Close-Proximity Relationships Struggle
Just for fun, let’s take a moment to examine how people in closer proximity relationships can struggle with the same issues.
Expectations
While you get to see your guy more often, in a close proximity relationship, you still have expectations of special dates. Perhaps these are singled out for special occasions like Valentine’s Day or anniversaries, but there are still expectations.
And these expectations can go unmet just as easily. You think he’ll plan out some elaborate Valentine’s Day experience and the truth is that like many men, he’s standing at the grocery store at lunchtime scavenging for the best card from the well picked over selection.
He stops on his way home and grabs a bouquet of flowers – one of just a few left and runs home to meet you for the date. This is the truth about how many men to holidays and anniversaries.
If you don’t believe me, sit in a grocery store parking lot between five and six o’clock on any given day. You’ll see numerous men, sometimes with kids in tow, coming out with a bouquet of flowers and a couple of grocery bags of goodies.
So, nothing really different here except that the expectations might be a little different.
Jealousy and Infidelity
This is definitely not exclusive to LDR’s. This is more common for people who lack confidence and/or self-esteem.
There is either a belief that you aren’t capable of a great relationship, therefore your guy will ultimately cheat on you and leave. Or there’s a belief that you don’t deserve a great relationship and it’s just a matter of time before this one ends, just like the others.
Distance isn’t the problem here. Confidence and self-esteem are the real issues.
Financial Strain
While it’s true that a closer proximity relationship doesn’t have the challenge of travel expenses, there are other expenses associated with life in general that can still play a role.
This can be especially true of people who are financially irresponsible, spending more than they make, not saving, and so on.
Financial strain is something people should work out before they get into a relationship. A hallmark of a great man is one who is financially solid, and he will shy away from women who exhibit financial irresponsibility.
This means that two financially irresponsible people are more likely to find one another, thus creating a bigger problem.
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Boundaries
Challenges with boundaries exist in close proximity relationships as well. They often just relate to different problems.
A lack of boundaries is often a problem of low confidence also. Are you seeing a theme here that has nothing to do with distance?
People who have no boundaries often do so because they are insecure in their ability to build and maintain relationships.
If I say no, he’ll leave me.
If I tell him I don’t want to have sex on the first date, he won’t call back.
Someone whose standards are that low isn’t worth dating anyway. Any man would most likely love to have sex too early with a woman he finds attractive. The difference is that a great man may want to have sex, but he’ll wait until he realizes he’s earned that place in her life.
A confident woman will have that boundary to keep players out of her bed.
Not Recognizing Problems or Blowing Problems Up
This isn’t unique to LDR’s either. People put blinders on when it comes to problems, often letting them simmer to a boiling point.
For some, it’s a desire to avoid conflict. For others, it’s a fear of losing the other person. And for others still, it might be an inability to deal with problems in an appropriate way.
Sometimes, we just aren’t raised to manage problems, so we don’t know how. Our parents argued and that’s what we know.
And then there’s blowing problems out of proportion. Both men and women are great at this, and distance doesn’t matter here either.
Other factors might. When we’re stressed or anxious, problems feel bigger. Problems that are left unresolved for too long are also bigger, either by imagination or avoidance.
For example, not having enough money to pay the rent might be a small problem you can overcome in the first month, but left unresolved for several months, becomes a bigger problem as you fall further and further behind.
So this one isn’t unique to LDR’s either.
Questions About Relationship Status
This is most definitely not an LDR only problem.
Wait for it…it’s a confidence problem.
People who lack confidence and self-esteem often spend a lot of time questioning their relationship status, for the same reasons they get jealous and suspect infidelity.
You can see your guy every day and still question your relationship status. He might not respond to a text as quickly as you think he should, so you immediately assume he wants to break up with you.
Perhaps he’s been tired from work lately, but you view it as a lack of interest in you and fear he’s about to bolt.
The problem is that every time you question the relationship status, which he thinks, or thought anyway, was fine, you put a little pin prick into the relationship. An annoying little pinch for him that builds over time.
Before you know it, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy – you expect him to want to break up, so you question him all of the time about his dedication to you, and due to the constant pressure, he decides he’s had enough, and he leaves.
Which is what you were expecting him to do all along.
Communication
Ahh communication. There isn’t anything new I can say here. Everything I said above holds for close proximity relationships too.
You don’t need distance to have poor communication in a relationship.
Poor communication is present in many relationships, romantic, business, and personal. People who have ineffective communication styles can be challenging to speak to. Other people, many in fact, have very poor listening skills.
These challenges cause problems no matter where you live or how far apart.
Long Distance Relationships Can Work
Yes, it’s true. Long distance relationships can work, for the same reasons that close proximity relationships can work.
Two people who are confident with high self-esteem will enjoy very happy and satisfying relationship, regardless of where they live.
The challenges of distance are easier to overcome when you have the confidence to avoid some of the common pitfalls.
There are different strategies you can use to build an LDR versus a closer proximity relationship for sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It’s just different.
Be sure to read about Long Distance Relationship Activities here!
