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Unveiling the Truth: Are Soul Mates Real?

Unveiling the Truth: Are Soul Mates Real?

The concept of soul mates has been a topic of interest for many psychologists who have proposed several theories. One such theory is the Jungian Theory, named after Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. According to this theory, we all have an ‘anima’ or ‘animus’ (the feminine and masculine aspects within us). Jung said we are naturally drawn to people who embody the traits of our anima or animus. We often interpret this as finding our ‘soul mate’ or ‘other half’.

Attachment Theory

The Attachment Theory is another psychological theory related to soul mates. This theory suggests that our early relationships with our caregivers shape our adult relationships. In this context, a soul mate could be someone who satisfies our attachment needs, providing a sense of security and comfort. This person may not be a ‘perfect match’ in every aspect, but they fulfill our emotional needs.

Romantic Idealism

Then there’s the theory of Romantic Idealism. This theory posits that our belief in soul mates is influenced by our cultural and societal norms. We’re often fed the idea of ‘the one’ through various forms of media, leading us to believe in the existence of a perfect partner. Our relationships and perception of what a soul mate should be are influenced by this belief.

Biological Theory

Another interesting theory is the Biological Theory. This theory suggests that we’re biologically programmed to seek certain traits in a partner that would ensure the survival and success of our offspring. In this context, a soul mate could be someone who possesses these desirable traits.

Constructed Memory

Lastly, the theory of Constructed Memory suggests that our memories are not always accurate and can be influenced by our current feelings and beliefs. This means we might construct the idea of a soul mate based on our current feelings towards a person, rather than actual past experiences. This theory challenges the notion of ‘love at first sight’ often associated with the concept of soul mates.

are soul mates real

Setting the Stage: What Exactly is a Soul Mate?

Think about those moments when you’ve met someone and it felt like you’ve known them forever. This is an inexplicable connection that’s hard to shake off. It feels deeper than physical attraction and focuses on the abstract concept of ‘soul mates’. But what does this really mean? Is a soul mate someone who completes you, like two halves of a perfect whole? Or perhaps, is it about finding someone who helps you grow into your best self?

The concept of soul mates is as complex as the variety of individual perspectives. For some, this is about a romantic partner who fits perfectly into their life, like a key to a lock. For others, it’s a cherished relationship that might not be romantic, but fosters personal growth and harmonic synergy. It’s as if two souls are aligning in a dance of cosmic resonance. The idea of a soul mate is a notion that carries profound depth and the potential for endless interpretations.

This multifaceted interpretation extends back to ancient times. Plato, the Greek philosopher, surmised that humans were originally created with two faces, four arms, and four legs. Following a fear that they would become too powerful, the gods divided them, and hence, each person is always in search of their other half, their soul mate.

However, is all of this a beautiful metaphor or a tangible truth? Are those chills down your spine when you meet someone a sign of a soul mate connection, or a simple physiological reaction? To uncover these answers, it’s important to dig into the power of connection and the science behind soul mates—let’s set off on this exploratory journey together.

Debunking Myths: Common Misconceptions About Soul Mates

Let’s clear up some of these popular misinterpretations about what a soul mate is.

A common myth is that there is only one soul mate for each person. This has been perpetuated by movies and books, but the reality is not so limiting. It’s much more plausible to understand that you can connect deeply with multiple people throughout your life. Each of these connections are unique and meaningful in their own way.

A second frequently touted misconception is that soul mates must be romantic partners. While this is often the case in popular culture, it doesn’t have to be the standard. A soul mate, at its core, is someone with whom you share a deep, mutual connection. In many cases, this could be a friend, a family member, or even a mentor.

Finally, another misleading belief is that when you meet your soul mate, everything will fall perfectly into place. Relationships, even with a soul mate, require effort and work. Encountering challenges and overcoming them together is a key aspect of deepening that essential connection.

It’s crucial to understand these myths about soul mates so you don’t misinterpret what you’re feeling. Instead of searching high and low for the single perfect person who fits an ideal fantasy, perhaps it’s more beneficial to focus on the meaningful connections you can form with the people already in your life and meet along your journey. The harmonious soul connections you develop could be much more rewarding than you could have ever imagined.

are soul mates real

Soul Mate or Life Partner: Understanding the Difference

A soul mate connection is believed to be immensely deep and meaningful, transcending the physical realm. Themes of love that withstand the test of time, destiny, and the idea of ‘two halves of a whole’ are all often associated with the idea of a soul mate.

A life partner, on the other hand, often carries a more pragmatic understanding. Relationships with life partners are marked by mutual respect, shared goals, and a strong commitment to nurturing the relationship. The bond is based more on choice and effort rather than on predestined fate or profound cosmic connection.

Navigating the grey area between soul mates and life partners can be challenging. It’s easy to find yourself tangled in romantic notions of finding ‘the one.’ However, it’s essential to remember that healthy and fulfilling relationships require effort, understanding, and resilience.

Sure, the idea of finding your soul mate is undeniably romantic. It’s a notion that’s been ingrained in our minds and hearts through countless movies, songs, and novels. Yet, the reality is often more complex than such simplistic narratives. While a soul mate can undoubtedly add tremendous value and depth to your life, seeking a life partner – someone who stands by you, supports you, and grows with you – can serve as a more solid foundation for a long-lasting, rewarding relationship.

Whether you believe in soul mates, life partners, or both, it’s crucial to remember that every relationship is unique. What works for one may not work for another. It’s more about creating a bond that aligns with your individual needs, desires, and life goals.

Signs, Signals, and Synchronicities: Recognizing Your Soul Mate

Many imagint meeting a soul mate feels like a rush of emotion, that moment when your eyes meet, and instantly knowing you’ve found ‘the one’. But is it really that simple or is it more subtle and nuanced? Let’s get into the tangible signs that might just lead you to your soul mate.

Recognizing your soul mate doesn’t always happen when you meet. It could take time, patience, and a genuine connection built on mutual respect and shared experiences. You might feel an immediate pull towards him, a sense of familiarity, like your paths were always meant to cross.

Pay attention to how you feel in his presence. Do you feel calm, at ease? If your soul mate is near, there’s a chance you’ll experience a sense of peace and comfort that you can’t quite explain. There still may be disagreements or friction at times – after all, we’re all human – but a sense of harmony should be the norm, not the exception.

Synchronicity, first coined by psychiatrist Carl Jung, refers to the occurrence of events that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality. In layman’s terms, you might consider these to be meaningful coincidences. Perhaps you and your potential soul mate share common interests, dreams, or have had similar life experiences. These compelling similarities can feel like the universe aligning to bring you both together.

Ultimately, the journey to finding your soul mate can be beautiful, exciting, and full of revelations. The key is to stay open to the signs, trust your instincts and, most importantly, believe in the journey, because it’s just as much about self-growth and understanding as it is about finding the other half of your soul.

Intuition and Inner Knowing: The Role of Gut Feelings in Identifying Soul Mates

Sometimes, your intuition is at play – that deep inner knowing that often plays a crucial role in identifying soul mates.

It’s not something you can explain logically or certainly not something that you’ve experienced before. Yet, there’s a certain sense of familiarity – as though you’re reconnecting with a long-lost friend. We’ve all experienced such feelings, in various degrees, and when it comes to soul mates, this feeling is truly profound.

Beyond the realm of scientific proof or logical reasoning, this intuition is strongly rooted in your soul’s wisdom. Some people describe it as an inexplicable magnetism, an undeniable pull towards the other person. Others experience it as a calm assurance, a quiet certainty that this person is meant to be in their life.

Trusting your gut feeling is, therefore, an essential part of the soul mate journey. After all, your soul recognizes its counterpart before your mind comprehends it. While signs, signals, and synchronicities can guide you, it’s your inner knowing that affirms those pointers to be more than mere coincidences – they are, perhaps, cosmic confirmations.

Remember, just as the soul mate connection transcends the ordinary, recognizing your soul mate goes beyond ordinary experiences and emotions. Honour these feelings and trust your intuition, for it’s speaking in ways only your soul can truly understand.

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Psychological Perspective: What Science Says About Soul Mates

Psychologists believe that while there may not be a magical force leading us to ‘the one’, people do tend to seek partners with specific compatible traits. This psychological principle, known as “complementarity”, suggests people are drawn to those who possess characteristics that they, themselves, lack. Could this be the root of the idea of souls “completing” each other?

Increasingly, neuroscience is also weighing in on the topic. Recent studies have explored how deep connections between two people can result in a unique neurological pattern, creating an intense bond. However, this doesn’t necessarily signify a predestined pairing. What it tells us is that our brains adapt and evolve based on our experiences and the relationships that we form.

Finally, there’s the evolutionary perspective. Some evolutionary psychologists theorize that humans might have a natural inclination to pair bond – to keep together long enough to raise offspring. This instinct could contribute to our yearning for a profound, enduring romantic connection, or what we often dub as a “soul mate”.

In essence, the scientific community doesn’t entirely discount the idea of soul mates. However, they urge caution against overly romanticized or unrealistic expectations. They advocate for focusing more on building strong, healthy relationships, which may be a more likely pathway to finding a “soul mate”.

The Verdict: Are Soul Mates Real?

Given the information you’re read, it’s tough to draw a definitive conclusion. It ultimately falls upon your belief system and personal experiences. If you’re a firm believer in divine connection or destiny, the idea of soul mates can seem quite real and unquestionably valid. On the other hand, skeptics might see it as a mere construct of romantic novels and films.

Many psychologists and relationship experts argue that the concept of soul mates, while comforting, can actually put undue pressure on relationships. In their perspective, waiting for or seeking a perfect ‘other half’ may let you bypass opportunities for growth and deep emotional connection with others who aren’t ideal by some standards, but who bring value and enrichment to your life in their unique, imperfect ways.

Furthermore, there’s no scientific evidence to substantiate the existence of soul mates as we’ve discussed them in this context. But then again, love, akin to many human emotions, defies hard science’s grasp. It’s fraught with complexities and mystique that science has yet to comprehensively decipher.

So, dependent on your perspective, soul mates either exist in the metaphysical realm, where destiny intertwines two souls, or exist in the human mind, where love and connection take form as the idea of soul mates. Ultimately, the belief in soul mates really comes down to personal conviction influenced by your experiences and outlook on life and love.

In the end, whether you believe in soul mates, one thing rings true: human connection—deep, meaningful, and personal—is undeniably real. And the joy such relationships bring, that’s what truly matters.

What to do When Your Boyfriend is Controlling

What to do When Your Boyfriend is Controlling

Do you know what to do when your boyfriend is controlling? Are you wondering how you can make this situation better?

People act in a controlling way for several reasons, most of which have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. For today’s purposes, we’re discussing a boyfriend who is controlling on occasion, but not 100% of the time.

Every relationship dynamic has its nuances. What worked for your parents or his might not work for the two of you. Your friends might have a relationship you just can’t figure out, but it’s working for them.

Recognizing whether your relationship is healthy and needs tweaking or is unhealthy is the goal of today’s post.

boyfriend is controlling

Do You Know if Your Boyfriend is Controlling?

First, let’s look at whether the behaviors your boyfriend is exhibiting are truly controlling. It’s human nature to want to control your environment, but someone who wants to control everything all the time might have something going on.

He Seems Paranoid and Insecure

The need to be in control is almost always rooted in insecurity. Most often, these insecurities center around:

  • Physical appearance – yours or his
  • His job security or performance
  • How do others view the two of you
  • Whether you might be getting the attention of other men
  • If he’s getting enough respect

These insecurities were around long before you came on the scene, so none of this is your fault. His emotions and self-image are fragile, and those things built up over many years. You may find out he was bullied at home or in school, or he was always told he was worthless, nothing. It’s sad, but it happens.

What Does it Look Like?

If he’s doing any of these things, this might be the problem:

  • Judgmental of others
  • Jealousy of other men, constantly critiquing them
  • He tests and questions your loyalty to him
  • He’s always looking for validation
  • While he can dish out the criticism, he can’t take it…at all
  • He showers you with gifts, to make up for what he perceives to be his failings
  • He always imagines he’s being disrespected

What Can You Do?

If his insecurity is minimal, like his performance in bed, for example, you can reassure him that he’s doing a great job. Men worry a lot about this, so it’s pretty normal insecurity. He might also feel insecure about his job, especially if he’s bucking for a promotion. Assure him that you love him just as he is, promotion or not.

If he seems to be paranoid, always questioning if you’re cheating on him or if another guy looked at you with too much interest, it’s time to have a heart-to-heart chat. Choose a time when things are going well between you, not a time when tempers are already flaring. Then, sit him down and explain that you aren’t interested in another guy and his paranoia is causing a problem between you. If he can control himself and his emotions, he’ll see the light and try to fix it, but if he denies it or gets angry, this might be the time you say goodbye.

Understand that you can’t fix this. Yes, your words of reassurance might help, but he needs to fix his stuff. Many women try to step in and smother him with reassurance, affection and appeasing actions, but this won’t work. If he’s acting in the extreme, you need to establish boundaries and stick to them.

It’s not okay for him to put trackers on your phone and car. It’s not normal to allow him to read your texts and emails. If you want him to, that’s one thing, but it’s not something he can demand. It’s okay for you to say no and if he can’t accept no, it’s time to leave.

He Feels the Need to Criticize You – All the Time

It’s fine for someone to say, “I’m not sure that shade of blue is the best color for you, babe,” because it’s once in a while and, odd as it might seem coming from a guy, it’s still harmless.

When the criticisms are constant and are intended to cause you to change your behavior, it’s problematic. When someone criticizes you all the time, the goal isn’t to help you better yourself with a new shade of blue, it’s to make you feel small, dumb, incompetent, and helpless. Chances are he feels that way and he doesn’t want to be with someone who feels better about themselves than he does.

What Does it Look Like?

Again, one comment every now and then is fine, but it’s the constant criticisms that are a problem. They might include:

  • Criticizing your physical features – you’re fat, you need a nose job, your boobs are too small, that sort of thing
  • He criticizes the way you pronounce things; we all come from different places and words are pronounced differently, or we learned to pronounce them incorrectly; it’s all good and we learn from hearing others, but his need to constantly correct you is no good
  • Your cooking is a constant bone of contention; of course, it’s not that he wants to cook, but he always has criticisms for yours – too much salt, too bland, too spicy, it won’t matter what you do, it won’t be good enough
  • He forces you to question your decision-making and your intelligence; he’s doing it to himself too so why not make you feel bad as well
  • You can’t do anything right, ever

These types of criticisms are meant to pull your power away from you, but I encourage you not to give anyone power over you and how you feel about yourself. This is all on him.

What Can You Do?

There’s no way everything you do is wrong; don’t allow someone to make you think that about yourself.

When I coach women who’ve experienced a breakup, I know she needs confidence building, and this is why. Breakups bring out the worst in people; often one partner tries to make the other feel small, dumb, and incompetent. Never allow someone to have that kind of power in your life.

Don’t rationalize his bad behavior. There’s no rational explanation for it other than his insecurities. Don’t explain it away or think he’s right. Sure, you might not pronounce a word properly, but who cares? It doesn’t change who you are.

While he might say he’s trying to help you be a better person, it’s a lie. If he were truly being a loving partner, he would provide constructive criticism like, “While I love this dress on you, I think the emerald green one really brings out the color of your eyes. You should wear that one more often!”

“Don’t you ever wear that ugly red dress again. It makes you look fat!” This statement is not helpful or constructive. It’s mean and controlling.

Having an open discussion might help. The best time to discuss something difficult is when you’re both happy and things are going well. Explain that you can’t constantly change every small thing about yourself, and you feel that’s what he’s asking you to do. This discussion will probably contain a breakup discussion, so be prepared to raise that possibility.

Know that you aren’t the one who needs to change. While he might be telling you how inadequate you are, these are his feelings about himself. If you can’t do anything right as far as he’s concerned, you’re not the girl for him. Period.

boyfriend is controlling

He Uses Threats and Ultimatums to Control Your Behavior

You don’t need to be threatened or manipulated. Nobody does, but a controller may use threats and ultimatums to try to control you.

What Does it Look Like?

Often, the threats center around him breaking up with you if you don’t do something his way:

  • If you don’t stop hanging out with your work friends, I’ll break up with you
  • If you don’t agree to marry me, I’ll kill myself – it’s extreme, but I know of someone who got married for just this reason
  • You need to go out with me Saturday night or I’ll post crap about you on social media
  • If you don’t make my dinner on time, I won’t take you to work tomorrow

Some of these sound utterly ridiculous but notice that they’re all ways in which he might feel out of control of a situation. When you’re with your friends, he can’t control you because you aren’t there. If you don’t marry him, how can he keep controlling you? He doesn’t want to lose another relationship.

He wants you to go out with him so you aren’t going out with someone else. If you’re making dinner on time, he knows where you are and what you’re doing. It goes on and on.

What Can You Do?

Dealing with threats and ultimatums can be scary, depending on the thread or ultimatum being issued. Someone threatening your life should be extricated from your life immediately. For some of these other threats, there are things you can try.

First, don’t give in. If you want to hang with your friends from work, do it, and if he breaks up with you over it, see ya later pal. You might think that agreeing with him or giving in will make him stop, but he’ll just find something else since the first time worked well for him. All you’re doing is giving up power. Nothing more.

Next, and this is a hard one to read I know, understand that someone who’s issuing threats and ultimatums doesn’t love you. If he did love you, he would turn himself inside out to show his love for you. These behaviors aren’t loving. Not even a little bit.

Lastly, get out of the relationship. This isn’t a fixable situation. Find a friend, a family member, or, an authority figure who can help you safely remove yourself from this relationship. You deserve someone who truly loves you for the wonderful person you are.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling You with Social Isolation

This is a classic control move. It’s little things at first, and it seems sweet. He’ll say, “Gee Babe, I’d really appreciate it if you’d cancel your plans with Sarah and spend the evening with me.”

The next thing you know, you never have plans with any of your friends or family. He either lies to you about them to make you believe they don’t want to hang with you, or he makes sure you can’t hang out with them.

This is done to avoid other people knowing how controlling he either is now or plans to be. He doesn’t want someone telling you that he’s wrong. He wants you to hear his voice and only his. That way, he can control every single aspect of your life.

Many controllers will also keep you from working an outside job, going to church, or participating in any sort of social group. He doesn’t want anyone to see the vacant look that you have, indicating how much of you he’s already sucked away.

What Does it Look Like?

At first, he’ll just complain about how much time you’re spending away from him. Then, if that doesn’t work, he’ll move on to criticizing your friends and family members. His goal is to get you to distrust the people you should trust the most and those you’ll lean on as he gets worse.

Then, he’ll make you feel guilty if you speak to those people and may even exact punishment. He doesn’t want others to see how he’s treating you. He wants full control.

Finally, he’ll threaten to either physically hurt you or leave you if you continue to contact the people he’s deemed unacceptable. He hopes that he’s made you rely on him enough that the thread of living without him will scare you into submission.

What Can You Do?

Don’t believe what he says about your friends and family. He might say your sister doesn’t want to talk to you anymore, but that’s a lie to distance you from her.

Your only real option, aside from not believing his lies, is to leave the relationship. If he’s trying to distance yourself from the people most important to you, he doesn’t have any great plans for your life together other than for him to demand and for you to obey. Do you want to lose all the important people in your life to live with one controlling individual? No, of course not.

There is no Trust

Trust is at the root of a great relationship. It’s something you earn and then strive to keep between you. While it’s normal not to fully trust someone you just met, you should allow a partner to earn your trust and vice versa.

What happens with a controller, however, is that he can’t trust you or anyone else. If you say you’re going to have ice cream with your bestie and you see him drive by, he doesn’t trust you. Wanting your passwords to your phone and email is another sign of distrust.

The thing is you probably haven’t done anything for him to distrust you. These are his insecurities, not your actions that are driving his behavior. He knows he’s not good enough for a great woman like you. His confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem are very low, and he knows you can do better.

What Does it Look Like?

You say you’re out with your friends for a girls’ night and he calls, constantly, to check up on you. Or, he might have a friend of his happen to show up where you’re supposed to be.

He might drive by to see if you’re where you said you would be or put tracking devices or apps on your car and phone.

You might catch him eavesdropping on your phone conversations or standing over you while you text or compose emails. You may even notice cameras hidden around your home as a way for him to watch you.

What Can You Do?

While you might be able to have a conversation about this with him and get him to stop. It depends on the level of behavior he’s exhibiting.

Again, have this conversation when things are happy and good between you. Explain to him that he’s making you uncomfortable by constantly spying on you and asking him what you’ve done to make him distrust you.

If this isn’t happening often or if this is the only thing he’s doing, he might not even realize the impact it’s having. He gets anxious because he can’t see you. His insecurity about himself tells him you’re out there and other men can see how great you are. In his mind, he’s about to lose you.

He needs to work on things, but pointing out to him that every time he’s checked up on you, you were where you said you’d be might help him realize he’s distrusting you for no reason.

Also, don’t lie to him about where you are going. That just confirms what he believes. Don’t lie about who you’re going with either. If you’re going out with three of your friends, say so. Don’t say, “I’m going out with Meg” if you’re going out with Meg, Sarah, and Elle. If he’s looking for a reason to distrust you, he’ll see that as a lie.

boyfriend is controlling

Your Boyfriend is Controlling When He Wants You to Feel Indebted to Him

A relationship doesn’t involve currency. What I mean by that is that he can’t buy you flowers and expect sex in return. Just because he bought you new earrings doesn’t mean he gets to tell you what to do.

What Does it Look Like?

Currency in a relationship comes in all shapes and sizes. Usually, however, in a controlling situation, it involves him buying you something that’s either just what you’ve been wanting or uber extravagant.

Now, in his mind, you owe him something in return. This is a nifty way to make someone dependent on you. You won’t feel you can get out of the relationship because you feel too guilty. Look at all the stuff he’s gotten for you or the things he’s done for you.

Poppycock! Those are all control maneuvers meant to make you feel exactly that way!

Things you never owe another person include sex, time, and the ability to express your opinion without fear of retribution.

You control who, when, and where you have sex with him or anyone else. Always. There is never a time when you owe someone sex. Read that statement a few times so it sinks in.

Time is a precious commodity, and in a relationship, you should make time for one another, but not at the expense of your life outside the relationship. Don’t give up your relationships with friends, family, or coworkers in lieu of time with him. You both need to maintain outside relationships to be healthy together.

Finally, you have and are entitled to your own opinion, and you should be able to express it, as long as you’re being calm and reasonable, without fear of being harmed.

What Can You Do?

There isn’t a way to fix this. He’s attempting to take away your freedom and that’s not something you should ever give away to anyone.

He’s Gaslighting You

This term comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight where a man tries to make his wife think she’s going insane so he can steal her fortune.

People do it today and it can really be harmful.

What Does it Look Like?

You won’t see gaslighting coming. Some, but not all who use this tactic are true narcissists and professionals at manipulating people to get their way.

An example of gaslighting might be if your partner agrees to meet you after work at a local hangout. You show up and wait, but he never shows. You call and text and he finally tells you that he never agreed to meet you. You know you made a date, but he’s making you second-guess yourself.

Another example is name-calling. It sounds basic, but this gets you to believe something about yourself that isn’t true. He might call you manic-depressive or crazy because you got a little moody. Since when did he get a license to diagnose?

He might question your decisions, and make you question them as well. Of course, he’ll shoot down any explanations you come up with, so don’t waste your time.

Anything a gaslighter does is meant to get you to question yourself and alter your perception of reality. In the movie, the man dims the lights, but when the woman asks if the lights just dimmed, he says no, making her believe she’s losing her mind.

What Can You Do?

Gaslighting is emotional abuse. Your only true recourse, once you realize what’s happening, is to end the relationship.

This is not a person who is invested in a relationship with you because he loves you. These aren’t loving behaviors.

Once you recognize that someone is doing this to you, and it’s probably been going on for months or even years, you stop sharing your thoughts and feelings with him. Disengage and work on getting out. He’ll continue to try and make you feel like you’re wrong and you’re crazy, but you aren’t. Sanity is beginning to emerge again for you and you’re seeing very clearly now.

He Makes Your Life Miserable when He Doesn’t Get His Way

If you stand up to a boyfriend who is controlling and go out with your girlfriends after he told you not to, expect the silent treatment or worse.

How dare you stand up to him! What on earth were you thinking?

What Does it Look Like?

It looks just like that. You did something that didn’t fit into his model for your life and he’s pouting. Other ways this might show up include:

  • Him flirting with other women if you don’t wear what he told you to on a date
  • Blaming you because he didn’t get the promotion he wanted
  • Any form of physical abuse for something he claims you did wrong

What Can You Do?

This is not a sign of a healthy and happy relationship. You can try to discuss his behavior with him by telling him that his revengeful behavior hurts you and your relationship. If this is the only thing he’s doing or if he’s just starting this behavior, he might recognize his bad behavior and try to stop.

More likely, he’ll refuse to discuss this with you because deep down, he knows he’s wrong. He’ll never admit it and therefore you won’t make any headway in having a discussion.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling When He’ll Love You – Conditionally

If a guy loves you, he loves you for who you are today and who he thinks you have the potential to become. Sometimes, when you meet someone, you can see they’re working toward something, and you can see their potential. That ambition can be sexy and attractive.

If a guy only loves you if you lose weight or if you stop going out with that one friend of yours, he doesn’t truly love you to begin with.

What Does it Look Like?

  • My friends would probably like you more if you were smarter
  • I’d love you more if you’d stop wearing your hair that way
  • I love you so much when you wear that skirt
  • If you took better care of yourself, you might be attractive

This way of trying to mold you into someone else is mean and abusive. Sure, he’s not physically hurting you, but emotional scars last longer. Someone saying this to you all the time makes it sink into your subconscious and you begin to say it to yourself.

What Can You Do?

When he says something like that to you, call him out on it. Make sure he knows that saying those things is hurtful. Be careful how you word things, though, or he’ll just have room to argue with you.

If you say, “I don’t like it when you call me fat”, he’ll just say that he doesn’t call you fat. Of course, he’s using other types of statements to call you fat, but that’s beside the point.

Instead, say, “Josh, when you tell me I look fat, it makes me feel really bad.” It’s harder to argue with a statement when you say it’s your feelings. He can’t tell you how you feel. Oh, he might try to, but it’s harder.

Hurtful statements like those aren’t loving and they aren’t meant to be. This is a direct attempt to make you feel as small and worthless as he does.

Your best option is usually to end the relationship. If you’re just there to help him feel a little bigger by making you feel small, you can do better! You deserve better!

boyfriend is controlling

His Favorite Weapon is Passive Aggressive Behavior

Ahh, an oldie but a goodie, passive-aggressive behavior is yet another way to control someone.

What Does it Look Like?

“This is my girlfriend, Stacy. She talks like a hillbilly but she’s a great gal. Heh heh heh.” Okay, so he just introduced you to his friends and injected a criticism disguised as a cute little joke. That’s passive-aggressive.

“Boy you sure can cook,” said right after you accidentally burned the rice with dinner. Sarcasm is another form of passive-aggressive behavior.

If something is followed by, “Hey, I’m just kidding,” know that he isn’t. It’s a criticism disguised as what he thought was a joke.

While this doesn’t seem to be a controlling behavior, what he’s doing is trying to make you feel badly about yourself, just like he does. He’s trying to control your self-esteem and self-worth and that’s the worst way to control someone.

What Can You Do?

This is another instance where you might be able to call him out on his behavior. “Hey Jim, when you introduced me to your friends and then said I talk like a hillbilly, I felt really embarrassed.” Again, by telling him how you felt, and not using an accusing tone, you change his ability to reply in a snide or hurtful way.

He wasn’t kidding and you both know it, as do his friends, who also probably felt embarrassed. He may come back and tell you to lighten up or learn to take a joke but keep pointing out to him how hurtful his comments are.

If he refuses to stop, he doesn’t respect or love you and it’s time to end things.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling | Why is He Acting This Way?

He’s Narcissistic

Narcissism is not a choice people make but an actual psychological diagnosis. NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder affects many people and hinders their ability to have healthy relationships.

Many narcissists carry a higher-than-average opinion of themselves. They believe they’re more important than everyone else, more powerful, more intelligent, more capable, and so on. To make sure you believe it, they’ll exaggerate their accomplishments and abilities.

This type of person needs to make sure you know how special and unique he is, compared to other men. Of course, since he’s so special and unique, there’s no way you can understand him. He’s too far above you and everyone else for that to happen.

He needs lots of praise and positive attention, to be sure you know how important and special he is. He feels that he deserves special treatment. For example, if you go to a restaurant, he might feel he should always get the best table.

His need for personal gain outweighs everything else, so he takes advantage of people and situations to make sure they benefit him. His goals are the only important goals. He might use tactics like telling lies about someone to make sure they don’t get what he wants, or he may treat someone very badly.

Unable to see your needs or connect with you on an emotional level, he’ll come off as lacking compassion or selfish. He also envisions himself in competition with, well, everyone. He imagines that people envy him for all his great traits and that they’re jealous of him.

Most of those are signs of what professionals call overt narcissism. Covert narcissism is a little harder to detect. Those behaviors include:

  • Anxiety
  • Insecurity
  • Being overly sensitive, unable to handle criticism
  • Feeling defensive
  • Acting withdrawn or depressed

He Has High Anxiety

Anxiety is a symptom of many other disorders, but it’s at the root of controlling behavior. There is a strong need to control their surroundings and maintain some sense of order, however harmful and ineffective their efforts truly are.

Many people experience anxiety every day and there are varying degrees and abilities to cope with it. When hurricane Ian came through Florida, I had a lot of anxiety about being able to get there and check on my mom. I managed my anxiety easily and was able to get down there to help her without issues. That’s normal anxiety. You don’t know what you’re facing, and your mind plays out scenarios.

Often, when we’re otherwise healthy, we recognize what’s happening and put a stop to it.

Still, for some, anxiety is crippling and can force them into undesirable behaviors, like being a controlling boyfriend.

He Has Low Self-Esteem

When your self-esteem is low, you don’t think good thoughts about yourself. You don’t value yourself or even like yourself.

If your boyfriend has low self-esteem, he thinks very little of himself. He believes he’s not worthy of you and is in constant fear that two things will happen.

First, you’ll figure out what a schmuck he is, and second, you’ll leave him because he’s a loser. That fear or insecurity drives him to try extra hard to keep you from discovering he’s the person he believes himself to be and leaving him.

His low self-esteem also makes him sensitive to what he might perceive as attacks. You might say something you don’t think of as mean or harmful, but due to his low self-esteem, he takes it that way. The problem is that he already thinks those things about himself, but hearing someone else verbalize them brings his insecurities to life and confirms his beliefs about himself.

He Has Difficulty Trusting

If your boyfriend is controlling, he probably has difficulty trusting people. Someone in his past broke his trust in all people so much that he finds it difficult to trust anyone now.

It doesn’t matter what you think you’ve done to earn his trust; he can’t give it so it’s never enough.

Trust issues usually stem from something that happened in childhood, although not always. Someone close to him broke his trust and did a good job of it. His trust was shattered to the point where he decided nobody can be trusted, regardless of what they said or did.

This is something he can work on and overcome, with professional guidance, but it’s not something you can fix.

He Has a Fear of Abandonment

Imagine you’re a young child and someone very important to you leaves, either by death or physical separation. A mother dies, a father leaves the home never to be seen again, or something similar.

This creates a fear that everyone important to you leaves and never comes back. It’s not logical, but your young mind can’t yet figure out the logic behind death or separation.

You grow up and your grandparents die. Your dog runs away and never returns. A favorite teacher doesn’t return the following year. These things all shore up your belief that people leave and never come back.

If your boyfriend is controlling, this might be part of the issue. He lost one or more important people or even animals in his life and he’s developed a fear of abandonment. This displays in the same way low self-esteem does. He lives in constant fear that you’ll leave, just like everyone else in his past.

Again, this is something he can work on and overcome, with professional guidance. And again, it’s not something you can fix.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling | Now What?

The bottom line is that if your boyfriend is controlling, he needs to take a relationship break and work on himself if he’s willing. Some people are and some aren’t. Some controlling individuals grew up in a similar environment to the one they’ve created, and they don’t see their own failings.

Either way, it’s time for you to exit the situation. In many instances, if he does some work with a professional counselor, he can overcome the issues. But this is like alcoholism. He must first be able to see that he has a problem that requires help.

More people than you can imagine grow up believing that mental problems are poppycock and don’t exist, therefore you’ll never get them to seek help. Other people can see that they have an issue if you bring it up during a time when you’re getting along, and things are good.

As you learned above, how you approach a conversation is mostly about the words you use. Discuss how his behavior makes you feel without using accusatory language.

Bob, it makes me feel angry when you call me names” instead of, “Stop calling me names! It’s mean and rude.” It’s hard for someone to argue with how you feel, but he for sure can argue with whether he thinks he was mean and rude.

Wouldn't you love to know how to Weed Out the Users, the Couch Potatoes, and the Losers? Well, good news! Help has arrived! You'll learn how to spot the various types of losers roaming the dating scene, and how to recognize the great men. Discover how to dump a loser if you've got one in your life right now and attract great men. Learn more about this book here or click one of the buttons below to get your copy today!

Should I Breakup with My Boyfriend?

Should I Breakup with My Boyfriend?

Just by asking the question, should I breakup with my boyfriend, you must already be clued in that something is wrong. Your intuition is pinging.

The obvious reasons for breaking up with someone include drug and alcohol addiction, as well as an addiction to pornography, infidelity, or abuse.

But what are some less obvious answers to the question, should I breakup with my boyfriend? Let’s look at a few.

You Aren’t Growing Together

We grow in maturity and intellectual abilities throughout our lives, but we don’t all do it at the same rate.

As a couple, you can grow by trying new things together. Try new types of ethnic food, working out together or traveling to new places. Choose a hobby to work on together or read books together.

You try together and you learn what works and what doesn’t. Have fun and build deeper intimacy. You’re a team who can take on the world! Building memories together helps your relationship stay fresh and fun.

Grow as an individual by exploring new things on your own. Try a new hairstyle or color. Perhaps you decide your old wardrobe doesn’t reflect who you are any longer. You might explore a new hobby or a passion you have. Reading is a great way to grow and there are millions of self-help books available if that’s what you want.

You’ll know you aren’t growing together in a couple ways. One of you may feel bored. Sex is non-existent, and you find yourselves arguing more than doing things together.

You may feel as if one of you is being left behind. You’re out there trying new things and he’s sitting at home playing video games with his friends all night.

You ask, “Should I breakup with my boyfriend?” The answer depends.

Your gut is already telling you to consider breaking up, but this is also fixable. If you think you can talk to him about it, invite him to explore something new with you and see if he’s agreeable. You might be able to fix it if you can find your way back to growth that supports one another instead of leaves one behind.

You’re Two Very Different People Now

This feels like the last one, but it isn’t the same. Sometimes, people get together, and the chemistry is so hot that you just launch yourselves into a relationship. The sex is great, and that chemistry keeps you together, but not forever. Chemistry only gets you so far. Great sex doesn’t make a relationship and it isn’t the same as intimacy.

Intimacy comes from doing things you both enjoy, together. It’s those afternoons picking apples or painting the living room that pull you closer together. It’s the time when he was sick and you brought him some chicken soup, then stayed to help clean up and maybe watch a little Netflix.

You may discover that he’s not an animal person, but you love your Great Dane and can’t imagine parting with her. He could be very outdoorsy while you prefer to stay in. One of you could be very social while the other prefers to stay at home.

These aren’t things you discover when all you’re working with is hot chemistry. They’re the day-to-day things that start to pile up. It keeps you both from living the life you enjoy because you feel an obligation to do everything together.

None of this makes either of you bad people, it just means you need to work through it or find someone new. You ask me, “Gregg, should I breakup with my boyfriend?”

My answer is this. Have you even discussed what’s bothering you yet? It’s possible he too is feeling the problem but is afraid to approach you.

Talking will solve this one way or the other. You’ll either find a way to work through your differences or you’ll decide it’s better to find someone else.

should I breakup with my boyfriend

Should I Breakup with My Boyfriend if One or Both of Us Has Changed?

Sometimes you go into a relationship thinking you know what you want, only to find out later that you’re wrong. This happens to both men and women, and it doesn’t make either of you wrong or bad. It just means you’ve figured some stuff out about yourself and you aren’t the same person.

Many things happen to cause change in either direction – for the better or for the worse.

One of you may experience the loss of a loved one and you’re having trouble finding your way out of the sadness. You may have decided you want to start a family soon, but he doesn’t want kids. It’s something you discussed peripherally before but now, you’re serious and so is he.

For men, the loss of a job or financial status can be a very hard blow, one women don’t often understand. It can send a guy into a tailspin.

Whatever the cause and whichever of you has changed isn’t the issue. The issue is that you don’t feel compatible any longer and there’s nothing wrong with that. What would be wrong is to continue as if nothing problematic was happening.

Instead of asking, should I breakup with my boyfriend, sit down and discuss your differences. If it seems that a breakup is in order, then do it. There’s nothing wrong with ending a relationship if it isn’t the right one for you.

Are You Ready to End it?

Not all breakups are initiated by a man. If you're ready to end this relationship, go for it. Only you know whether you're happy and if the relationship is fulfilling your needs. It's possible that he feels the same way but you're both afraid to take that step. It's okay. Read some of the other articles on the subject by clicking below. They're here to help.

The Dreaded Mid-Life Crisis

Everyone talks about men wanting convertibles, younger women, and a full head of hair but women have mid-life crises as well.

You feel as if there’s something in your life you can’t fulfill in your current relationship. Your fight or flight has kicked in and flight seems the proper response.

Fight or flight is a result of anxious thinking. You’re worried about something that will or won’t happen in the future and you’re afraid that if you don’t exit the relationship right now, you won’t be able to either make something happen or avoid something else.

You might feel as if you missed out on part of your youth because you started getting into serious relationships at a young age and have stayed in them since. Now, you find yourself wanting to go back and experience those things.

Instead of asking, should I breakup with my boyfriend, the question to ask is if you need to explore and experience alone or can your boyfriend tag along? If you really think you need to do this alone, explain it to him and maybe you can come to some sort of arrangement.

You never know until you try!

What I encourage you not to do is ignore this feeling, while at the same time helping you understand that you can’t recapture your youth and there are some experiences that are better left behind you, whether you got to enjoy them or not.

should I breakup with my boyfriend

Should I Breakup with My Boyfriend over Outside Influences?

In this category you find things like religion and politics. As you age and mature, you might find that you’ve grown apart in an important area of life. You might have shifted your beliefs in one direction or another and he went the other way.

It’s okay to be different in these areas of life. The question is can you live with your boyfriend being a Democrat if you’re a staunch Republican? Can you date someone who doesn’t believe in God if you have strong Christian beliefs? Couples do live together in these circumstances. They agree to disagree and leave those topics of discussion off the table.

Another outside influence can be an ex, especially if shared custody of children, or even animals, is involved. Often when two different families are parenting children, there are vast differences. Children come home from one home to the other and must adjust to different rules and parenting styles.

This can really do a number on any relationship and it’s not good for the kids either. Here, the best path forward, if possible, would be to work with the ex you’re sharing custody with and see if you can work out those parenting issues, for the kids, not for your relationship. Your relationship is a side problem.

Should I Breakup with My Boyfriend?

As you’ve read, there are several different situations which can place a strain on a relationship, but most of them are things you can work through if you can talk to one another.

On the other hand, your gut might be telling you it’s time to get out and you can’t find the reason in any of these situations.

In that case, it’s probably best to sit down and agree to a split. There’s no reason to be ugly or unkind to one another. You’ve just come to a point where your relationship doesn’t work any longer. The mature adult thing to do is end it well and keep a friend, or at least avoid making an enemy.

How to Get Over a Breakup

If you decide to breakup, I recommend He’s Gone, Now What? This a breakup book specifically written to help you overcome the unexpected repercussions of a breakup. You’ll discover the nine stages of grieving a relationship as well as the impact a breakup has on your body and mind. Even if the breakup is your idea, you will experience all these things.

The book also helps you sort things out and prepare yourself for a new relationship! You can read more about it here, or buy it by clicking the buy button below.

Are you living like you're dying, or are you plugging along on autopilot, waiting for something great to happen but not really pursuing it? Is your life as fulfilling as it can be? Do you dream of a different life? Do you sometimes feel as if you're walking through life, half asleep?

If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions, you need to Live Like You're Dying. Learn to embrace life, take chances and life the life you want to live, free of fear and anxiety, full of experiences and exploration! Learn more about the book here or buy it by clicking on one of the buttons below.

What True Love Is

What True Love Is

Do you know what true love is? Is true love what you see in the movies, or is it defined by what you witnessed growing up?

If you can’t define what true love is, you’ll probably have a hard time finding it.

Many define true love by the stuff – white picket fence, fancy car, dog and so on. But that’s a load of crap!

Instead, I like this one:

“True love is not how you forgive, but how you forget, not what you see but what you feel, not how you listen but how you understand, and not how you let go but how you hold on.” – Anonymous

True love, to me, is an imperfect relationship where both partners are trying their very best to stay to together, forgive and forget, and grow together.

It’s when each person takes a turn being there for the other in times of need. There is no “I”, there is just us. There is no scorekeeping. When one of you needs something, the other is just there. Period.

And yes, it can be nasty at times.  But, in the end, respect for the other is always king and problems are easily resolved.

What True Love is: Acting as a Team

In the past, I’ve seen the difference between true love and what I thought was true love. That difference can be summed up by an us against the world mentality.

True love is teamwork in grocery shopping, cleaning, child rearing and love making. It’s a give and take where love balances out. You discuss major decisions and power might vary but balances out in the end.

When you work as a team, there’s a feeling of unity and security. You know he has your back and he knows you have his. You’re a we, not two me’s. Your identity includes each other. While you remain an individual, you still identify as part of a couple.

The Good Times Outweigh the Bad

All relationships experience bad times. When there are more bad times than great times, you’re not experiencing what true love is.

True love is about building great memories together. It’s being there for one another when times are tough and being supportive when it matters. During the tough times, there is no question that you’re there for one another. During the good times, you appreciate what you have and enjoy your time together. You build intimacy through shared experiences and use that intimacy to carry you through the bad.

You Know One Another’s Flaws and Choose One Other Anyway

The key word here is choose. He snores, his eye for fashion sucks, and he can’t even hang a picture on a wall. But he tries and that’s what you love about him.

Nobody is perfect, so discovering those flaws and loving them shows that you know what true love is! If you’ve already found someone, great, but if you’re still looking, recognize that you don’t need to find a perfect man, you need to find a man who’s perfect for you, flaws and all.

What True Love Is: There’s No Justice Trap

I dated someone once who looked at the relationship like an exchange of services. If she rubbed my feet, I owed her a foot massage. If I spent time with my friends, I owed her something in return. And, if she cooked, I had to clean up and take her out the next time.

I’ve heard couples with kids talk about whose turn it is to babysit the kids while the other does something away from home. If you feel you’re babysitting your own kids, I’m not sure why you had them to begin with.

When a relationship feels more like a scorecard or tally sheet, you don’t have love. In the case of my relationship, it reached a point when I didn’t want to accept anything from her because I knew I’d owe her something in return.

This takes any special meaning out of any gesture I wanted to make and any gesture she made wasn’t special, but her chance to make me owe her something.

True love balances out. If I do five nice things for my girlfriend, then I did five nice things! I wanted to. She’s worth it. She’ll do nice things back and I don’t want or need to keep score.

True Love Gets Better Later

You don’t hear this definition much, but I find it to be true. True love comes after the early relationship butterflies have flown away and after you’re over wanting to have sex multiple times a day. It comes when you settle into a life where you accept one another for who you are.

You enjoy your time spent together and don’t feel nervous or like you need sex every five minutes. You want to do things together like going hiking in the woods or spending an afternoon at the beach.

True love brings security and protection to the relationship. You can be yourself. There is nothing to hide and only great times to be had. You can plan your future together because there is a future.

You Feel Free to Share Your Vulnerabilities

It is very difficult to share your vulnerabilities. This requires a high level of trust for both of you and the first time you share a vulnerability will be the hardest. How you each respond is crucial to whether there will be more sharing in the future.

The first time your guy shares something that makes him feel vulnerable, respond with caring and acceptance. He needs to know that you still accept him, now that you have seen his weak underbelly. If he shares first, it’s important that you reciprocate, but not immediately. It will seem fake. Do it soon, though because he will be waiting.

What True Love Is: Summary

While these are my definitions of what true love is, the truth is that you won’t tick your way down some list. You’ll know because there’s a feeling that is unmistakable. It isn’t about the things like a house or car. It’s about feeling you get. True love is when he walks into a room and you feel happy. It’s when you read a text from him, you smile, inside and out. True love is when he remembers that you like rosemary garlic bread and he brings you a loaf for dinner.

The important thing to remember, early on in a relationship, is that love isn’t chemistry. Chemistry is essential, but lust isn’t love. Don’t be confused by lust but wait for these other signs to develop. It takes time to build it but it’s worth the wait.

Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you’ll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They’re added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

The Ideal Alpha Female Relationships with Men

The Ideal Alpha Female Relationships with Men

Successful alpha female relationships can feel elusive, especially if you’ve dated for any length of time.

You’re strong. You know what you want and how to get it. You’re confident, outspoken and people gravitate to you because they want to be on the same ride you’re on. Your power and energy are contagious.

These very traits that make friends and coworkers want to be near you are the same ones that make it difficult for you to find a man who appreciates you for who you are, without trying to change you.

Chances are, you’ve tried dating alpha men because they’re most like you. They’re powerful, confident, outspoken and strong. Likes attract likes, right? Yes, but that doesn’t always indicate that that type of relationship will work out best.

There are essentially two types of men that will work best for alpha female relationships. The first, of course, is an alpha male. I know, I just said that might not work, but there are instances when it can. The other type of man who’s truly perfect for the alpha woman is the beta man.

Often misunderstood, beta men seek alpha female relationships because they want a take-charge type of woman to love. Below are some dating tips that will help you find the right guy who will adore you for who you are.

Alpha Female Relationships | Slow Down

You go one-hundred miles per hour all day and well into the evening, but when you’re out looking for a guy, slow down. Take off that leadership hat and let your hair down, maybe literally.

Slow and take the edge off your speech. You’re now out to have fun, not be in control, so take a kinder, gentler approach. An alpha man will be attracted to an alpha woman if she shows her feminine side and a kinder, gentler you will be more feminine.

Don’t make an attempt to look low confidence, meaning continue making eye contact and walking confidently, but instead of striding with purpose, slow down and glide. Save your strut for the office.

And finally, if an alpha man offers to buy you a drink, accept it gratefully and show your appreciation, “Thank you. It was so kind of you.” This allows more of your feminine energy to shine through and you top it off with a dose of manners. He’s definitely interested.

Challenge Him

 Challenge is important in alpha female relationships – well, all relationships actually. Men need to feel challenged in a relationship to keep from becoming bored, therefore, it’s important for him to feel challenged by you. But what does that mean?

An alpha man doesn’t value something that comes too easily. He’s accustomed to working for what he has. When he calls for a date that day or even the next day, don’t drop your plans to go with him.

Instead, let him know that he’ll need to work harder to get on your calendar, “Gee, Gregg. I’d love to go to dinner with you, but we’ll have to make it Tuesday.” He won’t be put off. He’ll feel challenged! If he’s truly interested in you, he’ll figure out how to become important enough to get on your calendar.

If he text you but you’re busy and can’t really get into a conversation, give him a time when you can talk to him.

Him: Hi Beautiful. I hope your day was productive!

You: Hey Handsome! So far, so good, but I have more dragons to slay. Let’s talk later – say 8:00?

Him: Sounds great! Talk then.

This tells him you want to talk to him and he now knows when. It takes the anxiety out of the situation for both of you and lets him know when to expect to talk to you.

Challenge is also required for the beta man, whose main goal is to serve you and make sure you’re happy. You can challenge him in the same way you’d challenge an alpha. Don’t always be readily available. Be kind but firm with a beta.

Are You an Alpha Female Who Can't Find a Happy Relationship?

For alpha women, finding a relationship that isn’t challenging or frustrating can be a real problem. You’re drawn to alpha men, but science tells us that alpha men don’t want to marry alpha women, they only want to date them. Then there’s the beta man, often misunderstood by both alpha men and women, but often a great choice for the alpha woman. Learn more about how you can develop a happy relationship with either type of man by checking out The Alpha Female: Who is She? Who Should She Date? How do You Become One?

alpha female relationships

Let Him Be Your Protector

All men, alpha, beta or otherwise, have a need to be your protector. I know you can do this for yourself, but this hero instinct is something you want to cultivate. Men were raised to be your hero and if you don’t allow them to, they feel as if they aren’t doing their job.

Men basically need three things in a relationship:

  • To live a meaningful life and feel appreciated for their efforts
  • To provide for those who are important to them
  • To be respected by those around them

I know you can provide for yourself, and maybe even him, but if you’re with an alpha, don’t make a big deal about this. A beta will care less if you make more money than he does, but an alpha might feel emasculated if you bring it up a lot. Don’t let who earns more money determine the power dynamic in your relationship.

Alpha Female Relationships: Act Like the Prize You Are

When women make bad dating choices, it’s often for one of two reasons. Either they feel desperate to find a guy for some reason, like all their friends have boyfriends and they don’t, or they don’t understand that they have the power to be the choose, and not feel grateful to be chosen.

This puts you in a negative position for relationships. Instead, recognize that you are the prize. When you feel grateful to be chosen or desperate and find a guy, your instinct might be to be over-enthusiastic about the relationship.

You stop going out with your girlfriends, stop pursuing your hobbies and spend too much time doting on him. No guy, whether he’s an alpha, beta or omega, wants this from you. This behavior makes a man feel smothered and you aren’t challenging to him. He will question your value in his life.

Instead, come into a relationship with strong dating confidence. If you don’t feel you have strong dating confidence now, there are many options you can pursue here.

I want to change my life!

Meanwhile, allow a guy to chase you. Yes, even though you’re an alpha woman, let a guy pursue you. Inspire his hero instinct and encourage his masculine side by remaining feminine. Never give up your hobbies for a man and continue to enjoy girls’ night with your friends.

Remember, You Are Not Your Title

Your identity isn’t the title of the job you hold. It’s who you are from the inside out. It’s your kindness and generosity. It’s your desire to help others and your ability to be tough and stern one minute and a kind mentor the next.

Commit to or stay committed to your health and well-being. Get to know yourself and connect with that feminine woman who’s lurking inside. This makes you the feminine counterpart an alpha man desires.

When it comes to a beta man, he needs your strength and direction, but he also wants to see your feminine side and he needs you to know who you are from the inside out. Your strength is what attracted him to you, but some of that strength is your inner strength.

alpha female relationships

Alpha Female Relationships: Communication is Key

Regardless of what type of man you date, communication is everything. With the beta, you will have many conversations around control – who is in control of what. He wants you to take control, probably more than you know. Talking through it helps you both realize your roles in the relationship. Just because he’s a beta doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings, ambitions, and thoughts about your relationship.

Communication in any relationship is one of the most important things and a lack of communication is what ends many relationships. Regardless of whether your guy is an alpha or a beta, opening up the lines of communication may be the strongest asst in your alpha female relationships.

It allows you each to voice your wants, needs and desires. It allows you to feel safe exposing your vulnerabilities, something a beta will do much faster than an alpha. Without communication, any relationship will eventually wither and die.

And Finally, You’re a Team

Whether alpha female relationships are with beta men or alpha men, you’re a team. Learn how to work together and know when your teammate needs you to rally and be a little more supportive than usual.

Situations like job loss or loss of income, health issues, the loss of a loved one and similar events are difficult for men. Most men require time to retreat, lick their wounds and find a solution. As natural problem solvers, this is key for him. While you’re there to support him, you’re not overbearing or over-nurturing.

Let him know he has your support and allow him time to deal with the emotions of what happened. If your relationship is strong and you’ve established great communication, he will come to you when he’s ready.

Finding the Man of Your Dreams

Finding the Man of Your Dreams

Like some of my coaching clients, have you given up on finding the man of your dreams? I hope not, but in case you have, keep reading because I have some good news!

There is a way to find Mr. Wonderful. You’ve just been doing it wrong.

While it might seem as if swiping left or right on a dating app will land you a great guy, there are better ways. The longer dating apps run, the more likely it is you’ll find a loser or someone who’s catfishing. Instead, try some of these ideas!

Know What You Want

Take a few sheets of paper and write the name of each man you’ve dated at the top of each piece. Each guy gets his own sheet of paper.

Next, write his positive qualities on one side and his negative qualities on the other. After you’ve done this for all the men of your past, start looking for patterns. If a positive quality repeats a few times, write it on a new piece of paper, starting a list of positive traits.

Do the same with the negative traits. Those that repeat need to go on a negative trait list.

Next, look at the positive traits. These are the most appealing to you because they show up most in the men you date. Find two or three that are requirements and make the rest possible, but not necessary.

Do the same with the negative traits. You’re gravitating to a certain type of guy who carries some negative traits too but it’s time to stop. Take the top three or so and make them non-negotiable. These traits can’t exist in your new guy. The rest of the negative traits are negotiable but not dealbreakers.

You’re now one step closer to finding the man of your dreams. You now know what your Mr. Wonderful looks like, kind of, and you can seek out men with these traits who lack the negative dealbreakers.

finding the man of your dreams

Finding the Man of Your Dreams: Deal with Any Baggage

We all have baggage. Some of it can be put on a cart and rolled out of your life. Baggage includes guilt, regret, fear, criticism, trust issues, being defensive, and trauma from past events. These things hold you back from having an honest, open, and healthy relationship.

When you bring that into a new relationship, it’s almost a guarantee that your effort at finding the man of your dreams will fail. Instead, change your outlook on life from one of gloom and doom to more of a glass half-full outlook.

You can also practice self-care. I have a great book on self-care that might help you get started.

Today you start taking care of you. If you don’t begin to take care of yourself, you won’t be 100% there to take care of those other important people in your life! Self-care isn’t the same as selfish. Self-care is essential for every single person, male or female, parent or not, laborer or white collar. None of that matters.

This self-love kit for women takes you through six types of self-care, providing you with essential steps toward including each type of self-care into your life.

Each type of self-care has specific steps and benefits to your overall well-being. You’ll gradually ease in to including each type of self-care in your life.

Inside the book is a link to download a free workbook and journal, featuring helpful worksheets to help you proceed through the self-care journey, as well as journal pages like yearly, monthly, weekly and daily calendars, trackers and other helpful pages. Your journey to feeling less overwhelm and more power in your life begins today!

Another way to move past baggage is to get back out there and hang out with your friends, or make new ones. Just make sure that either way, they’re positive people, not negative.

The final way to deal with emotional baggage is to seek professional help. Sometimes the baggage is bigger than being happy and doing some self-care.

Convey the Image of a Confident Woman

Even if you don’t feel confident, start acting like a confident woman. Dress as if you care about your appearance. Fix your hair or get a fresh cut. Wear a little make up and take pride in your appearance. This sends a clear message to people who see you that you have self-esteem and self-worth.

When you put this kind of work into finding the man of your dreams, you’re sure to have success! Men can sniff out confident women without much effort. They look and act differently than low confidence women. So that means it’s time to get to work on that confidence and there are some great tools and resources for you here.

finding the man of your dreams

Finding the Man of Your Dreams by Re-Engaging with Life

Sometimes when confidence is down, you disengage with life, but it’s time to get back out there now. Make a list of fifty things you’d like to do. These can be daily activities like running or working out, team activities like volleyball or soccer, or even trips you’d like to take or occasional activities like scuba diving or hiking.

After you’ve made your list, set to work on accomplishing some of them. Join a team and play rec league soccer. Join a local group that shares an interest in the same things you’ve written down. You can often find them on Meetup.com.

When you get involved in groups and activities like this, finding the man of your dreams gets a whole lot easier. He’s doing those activities too so you’ll instantly have something in common!  This makes for a great start to a relationship.

Begin to Believe

If you’re walking around with a negative attitude about finding a great guy, you never will. Instead, start to believe that you can find him. We tend to gravitate toward what we believe, so if your belief is that you won’t find a great guy, that’s what will happen.

Stay Positive

Living a life full of positivity instead of negativity sets you on a better course for success. Positivity stretches into all aspects of your life, not just dating. If your friends are negative, it’s time for new friends, which you can find in those activities you’re engaging in.

One thing you can do to focus on the positives is to start a gratitude journal. Find things every day to be grateful for and commit to finding new things every day. You can’t be grateful for your best friend every day. Be grateful for finding everything on your grocery list or for a warm sunny day.

Finding the Man of Your Dreams is a Mindset

Finding the man of your dreams is a lot, but not totally about your mindset, as you’ve read, but it’s also about getting out there in the right places.

Bars are great, but that’s not where many of the great guys hang out. You’re more likely to find them when you’re volunteering somewhere or engaging in an activity you enjoy.

The great men aren’t hiding, you just didn’t know where to look!

Do you have your Night Moves down? Are you ready to go out and get a guy to fall for you, using science and not trickery? If so, this is the book for you! I've done the research, and you get to benefit. Here are the steps you can take, whether you're headed out on a first date or going out with your friends to look for men. The science behind attraction is just a few clicks away!

Here are just a couple of things you'll learn inside this best-seller:

  • Red lipstick is magical when it comes to attraction...learn why inside
  • Looking at a guy, looking away, and then looking back with the right timing sends a clear signal...but what signal? Learn inside the book
  • You can get a guy to feel like he's falling for you with a few subtle movements. Learn what they are in this book!

Read more about this book or click one of the buttons below to buy it now.

How to Not Date a Jerk

Have you ever wondered how to not date a jerk? They seem to be everywhere. No matter how hard you try to avoid them, they seem to ooze out of the woodwork like roaches waiting to pounce.

To be clear, today, we’re talking about lazy, unmotivated, broke, selfish guys who put on a heck of a show for the first few dates and then show their true colors.

Slow Your Roll

Take the time to get to know the man you’re dating, especially if he’s pushing you. Screen him with a phone or zoom call. If he checks out, schedule a daytime date in public.

Daytime dates offer him little chance to have sex with you and help reveal his true character. Don’t have sex with him or you’ll be blinded by your emotions. Hold off until he has proven himself to be worthy of you.

how to not date a jerk

How to Not Date a Jerk: Watch for Patterns to Emerge

Dating is like a marketing exercise. You both want to show your best side to the other person, so you try to hide any baggage and stay on your best behavior.

You won’t hear about the rash around his balls or his drinking problem, and you won’t have a clue that his ex is poking a look-alike voodoo doll of his face with sewing needles.

His true colors usually arrive near the three-month mark of your relationship. The curtain falls and the real man steps forward. He begins to feel comfortable with you and you haven’t dumped him yet, so he feels a little safer showing more of his true colors.

Until you reach this milestone, keep your emotions in check and try not to sleep with him yet. If he respects you, he’ll wait and so far, he hasn’t yet fully proven himself worthy of you. If he’s pushing for sex and trying to crash your boundaries, it might be time to let him go.

Don’t let this guy meet your kids until you’re sure he’s not just another jerk. This keeps them safe from harm and keeps them from falling for him, only to suffer disappointment later…again.

Date Multiple Men

Before you protest, know that he’s dating other women while you’re still in this early phase of getting to know one another. I recommend you do the same. This keeps you from falling too hard for him and allows you to keep your options open.

If you only date one guy at a time, you believe you can mold him into the guy you want. You don’t see that you have other options, and you fall too hard, too fast. You also don’t get a chance to compare different types of men with clarity.

You will never change this guy! Knowing how to not date a jerk means dating more than one guy!

how to not date a jerk

How to Not Date a Jerk | Know What You Want in a Man

Write down what it is you want from a good man. Think back to other men you’ve dated. What did you like about them? What did you dislike? Form a list of those criteria and look for men who have some of them. You’ll never find the perfect guy. All you need is the guy who’s perfect for you.

Know what your dealbreakers are. For example, do you want to date someone who drinks to excess? Would you rather not date someone in a dangerous job? This is a good exercise, as long as you don’t make the list so strict that no guy will ever qualify. Then, you’re just avoiding a commitment.

Embrace Being Single

After you exit a relationship, remain single for at least four months, preferably longer. I know you might feel lonely and all your friends are dating, blah blah blah. Knowing how to not date a jerk means taking time to reestablish yourself as an independent single woman first.

Doing this gives you time to get to know yourself again, rebuild your confidence, get a handle on the current dating scene and reconnect with friends, hobbies and passions that may have been set aside during that last relationship.

This break from dating also allows you to get over your last relationship fully so you aren’t carrying old relationship baggage into a new, potentially great relationship.

Are You Ready to End it?

Not all breakups are initiated by a man. If you're ready to end this relationship, go for it. Only you know whether you're happy and if the relationship is fulfilling your needs. It's possible that he feels the same way but you're both afraid to take that step. It's okay. Read some of the other articles on the subject by clicking below. They're here to help.

How to Not Date a Jerk | Meet His Friends

Spend an evening hanging out with his friends and watch how they treat him. Do they show him respect? Does anyone pull you aside and warn you about him? How does he treat them and any other women in the room?

Meeting his friends helps you know more about what he’s really like. What type of guys are they? Are they players? If so, so is he. Guaranteed. If they seem like upstanding guys who have steady girlfriends and jobs, then he’s an upstanding guy too.

Does he get drunk? If so, how does he act then? Does he become someone else entirely? Is he rude, discourteous, angry, jealous, and so on? This isn’t normal behavior for someone who’s drunk, so don’t let him tell you it was the alcohol. Many people can get drunk and be perfectly nice, funny people who never verbally or physically assault anyone.

Conversely, let him meet your friends. They will be bulldogs for you. They can ask him questions you either can’t or won’t. They can dig into his past and are better able to ask him embarrassing questions that might draw out those true colors of his.

The only caveat is that if they give you an opinion you don’t like or even a warning, you should resolve to listen. They aren’t wearing your rose-colored glasses and they have your best interest at heart. If they’re seeing a problem, there is one and you’re choosing to close your eyes to it.

Use Your Intuition

Your intuition is a very powerful tool and yet, you probably ignore it sometimes. We all do if our intuition is telling us something we don’t want to hear. Your gut may be telling you something with this guy is off. Listen to that gut instinct.

Take some time to honestly look at what’s giving you that gut feeling. Is it his behavior or something he said? Did someone else say something to you that’s niggling at the back of your mind?

How to Not Date a Jerk | Look at Your Patterns

Humans are creatures of habit and tend to repeat failures, rather than stop and examine them for potential lessons.

Take some time to look at the past men you’ve dated, especially the ones who squarely fall into the jerk category. What is it about these guys that attracts you? Do you like the feeling of rescuing someone? Is it that you somehow are afraid you aren’t worthy of great guys or you don’t feel as if you can attract men other than these guys?

Take that exercise from above and look at the bad qualities in the men you’ve dated. What about those qualities seems to keep drawing you in? The excitement of dating a bad boy? Are you trying to prove something to someone? Really take the time to examine the why behind finding these guys datable.

Form a list of those negative qualities and immediately dismiss any man who shows even one of them.

Last week, I sat down with a woman named Jennifer who also wondered how not to date a jerk. As we talked, she discovered that she chose broken men ever time. She sought them out. Even if a better guy was sitting right in front of her, she chose the fixer-upper guy instead.

This is a low-confidence, low self-esteem, and low self-worth move. This need to fix others is a way of avoiding fixing yourself. It places you squarely in a co-dependent relationship and those never work long-term.

What Jennifer needs to do is embrace being single, learn to become a confident, independent woman and then seek out a great guy who deserves her. She needs a dating time-out to find herself again and rebuild from the damage of her dating past.

This is called a co-dependent relationship and it will always fail. Her fix? Embrace being single and take my confidence courses along with understanding men. The result? Now she is killing it!

Wrapping it Up

Knowing how to not date a jerk is easy, once you know what to do:

  • Slow your roll
  • Look for patterns
  • Date multiple men
  • Know what you want
  • Embrace being single
  • Meet his friends
  • Look at your dating patterns
  • Trust your intuition

Why Can’t I Find Love? Eleven Changes That Might Help You

Why Can’t I Find Love? Eleven Changes That Might Help You

Love. We all want it. So Why Can’t I Find Love you ask!

Sure, many say they’ve given up, but deep down they’re just frustrated because everything they’ve tried so far hasn’t worked.

I get it. I hear the frustration. I even have readers who get angry at me!

“All men suck.”

“I’m happy just being alone.”

“I’ve given up.”

“Every time I get close to a man, I get dumped.”

But what if you’re simply going about it the wrong way?

What if you opened yourself up to a totally new way of finding love?

Why Cant I Find Love

Why Can’t I Find Love? Eleven Changes to Consider

End the Misery – or at Least the Miserable Feeling

Is this you?

Heck, through the pandemic I was miserable at times too. Our worlds were upside down and nothing made sense. Nothing was normal.

Attempted relationships failed. This led to low self-esteem, potential weight gain and frustration. Ice cream put me in my happy place.

Everything sucked!

So why not accept this and decide to change your attitude starting right now?

Forget men and start working on you!

You’ll be amazed at how your world and relationships will begin to turn around.

How do you do it?

Start with plenty of self-care and self-love. Pamper yourself for a couple of weeks. Then, continue once or twice per week – a regular schedule.

You’re worth it. You might feel guilty at first and that’s okay but keep doing it.

The Little Self-Care Handbook is a great self-care resource to help you get your self-care routine started.

How to stop liking someone

Why Can’t I Find Love? Decide to Do the Work

Many women say they want to find love but they don’t want to put in the work required.

When I ask where they’ve gone and what they’ve tried, I get crickets.

It’s like they expect a man to knock on their front door.

He won’t.

Instead of wallowing in self-pity and complaining about nothing working out how you wish it would, brainstorm 50 ideas for hobbies and adventures. Narrow your list to your top 10 and then, pick 1 or 2, sign up and go.

Get exposure to new people and join groups where you’re likely to have something in common with the members. This takes the pressure off meeting a man while you are having fun!

Work? What work?

Commit to the Work of Finding Love

This leads to my next change. If finding love is work, you’re doing it wrong! Get out there and do the things you love.

Take your list and modify it to include coed pursuits. You probably won’t find many men doing yoga or horseback riding, but you might find them in other places like cooking classes or a ski club. Kick boxing and hiking are also great choices if you like those activities or are willing to try something new.

New choices get you out of your comfort zone which builds confidence. This is a win-win.

Expand Your Search Zone

I have spoken with readers who live in small towns with few choices. Everyone knows everyone else’s business. This forces them to pursue long distance relationships. LDR’s make finding love difficult. This leads to more frustration.

Others live in big cities and look for men in all the wrong places.

If you live in a small town, maybe it’s time to consider moving. Online jobs are abundant today. The kids might be all grown-up or might even enjoy a new adventure.

Big cities can be overwhelming. I have readers in NYC that feel alone. In that instance, maybe it’s time for a change of scenery or a change of venues.

City dwellers do better when they join groups of mutual interest so they can make friends and network to meet more people. Hitting a bar in NYC probably isn’t the best bet. But hitting a new micro-brewery with friends can be a welcome change.

Don’t just stay in your hometown or city because it feels comfortable. You can always visit. Change can be empowering!

Why Can’t I Find Love? Expand Your Friend Zone

Finding love rarely works when your social network is all married women.

It also doesn’t work when family members are breathing down your neck to find love.

Communicate to these groups. Ask them to help, not hurt your effort. Tell them you may be spending a few less hours with them in pursuit of new opportunities and new friendships.

They might get angry and that’s okay. It’s time you set new boundaries.

This will be empowering.

Why Can’t I Find Love? – Try Setting Firm Boundaries

That’s leads us to our next change to finding love. Setting boundaries.

You’re done with guys who don’t text back or text back days later. If they delay, they’re not interested. Period.

Get my best seller – Weed Out The Users, the Couch Potatoes and the Losers for less than a cup of coffee and fix the problem!

Boundaries mean you’re done hooking up with guys on the first date because that’s what they want. You now date with your head and not your heart. That means no sex until a man proves his worth.

Boundaries empower! They attract guys because boundaries are a sure sign of confidence, and guys love confident women because they are a challenge. Nothing worth having comes without a fight.

Try it. Make a list of boundaries that will not get crossed again. Do this not only with men, but also with your friends and family.

Stick to your boundaries and you’ll feel like you have new super-powers.

Get Over Your Ex

This can be a big problem! If you’re still daydreaming about your ex, you’ll waste a lot of time comparing your new guy to him and the new guy won’t stack up.

Ever.

This puts your new relationship in jeopardy right from the start.

One way to get over your ex is to write a letter to him telling him all the things you don’t like about him and your past relationship. Then read it and burn it, safely of course!

It works. It sends a message to your brain that says, “I will no longer let this guy control my future.”

If you need more help, check out this great book, He’s Gone Now What.

Stop Trying to Find the Perfect Guy

Your list may read something like this: I want a guy who is tall, dark and handsome, preferably a doctor earning over $200K a year and living in San Diego.

The truth is that those types of lists prevent you from exploring a new type of guy who might not fit that mold but might be the perfect fit for you.

So far, you’ve sought that type of guy and maybe even dated a few men who fit at least some of that criteria, but how’s that working for you?

Instead, throw out that superficial list and get real! Women have this guy in mind from watching some rom-com movie full of idealistic relationships that aren’t real.

The perfect man doesn’t exist. He’s part of your imagination and truth be told, using tight criteria is a way of protecting your heart and avoiding dating anyone who might challenge you.

Look for the type of man you never thought you would want to date.

Try the shy, geeky guy sitting with a group of rowdy men. He’s probably had his eye on you since you walked in but he’s a little wary of approaching. Give him a couple of smiles and hold his attention with a couple of quick glances now and then. This sends him a message that if he approaches, he won’t get shot down.

If you can’t find the geeky guy, go for the guy who looks like he just crawled off his Harley. He just might be a doctor or lawyer and he’s likely to be more down to earth than the tall, dark and handsome guy with skinny dress pants and six-inch points on the ends of his shoes.

By limiting the type of man think you want to date, you’re limiting your possibilities.

Once you get to know the geeky guy and determine he’s not your speed, move on to another type of guy. Keep your options open.

A couple years back, I wrote a book that will help you understand different types of men.It’s called Manimals, Understanding the Different Types of Men and How to Date Them. I let my readers at that time choose the title and it was a perfect fit!

Why Can’t I Find Love? Shake off Your Past

My parents divorced when I was 16. My nights were interrupted by breaking dishes. This affected my view of relationships in a very negative way. I didn’t see love as a good thing, so I avoided it.

I dated and dated and dated. I was looking for someone who would accept me.

Or so I thought.

In fact, I was the problem. I couldn’t accept love, so I didn’t accept them. This hurt them and me. I was an expert in short-term relationships.

Little did I know I was sabotaging my own quest for love.

I took a step back and dug into my childhood for answers.

Seek help from a qualified therapist if you know you’ve been hurt from events in your past. Maybe it’s abandonment issues or something like my experience. Either way, recognize it and get help before you attempt to find love again.

Figure Out Who You Are

You can’t find the right man if you don’t know your true self. You will seek the wrong type of man.

Ask yourself, what is your vision in life? What do you want tomorrow? Next year? In 5 years?

What morals guide you? Do you live by them?

Answer these questions and you’ll start to live the life you create instead of a life that others create for you.

Women love my best-seller, To Date a Man You Must Understand Yourself because it helps you see the mistakes you might be making without realizing it. It’s a compare and contrast story of two young women who make different life choices that guide their relationship outcomes.

Learn How Men Think

Ahh, now we’re in my wheelhouse!

I saved the best for last. This is my flagship operation.

The best and most entertaining way to build confidence is to discover how men think.

This prevents you from blaming yourself when things go wrong and it gives you powerful insight into how to best communicate with a man and get him to do what you want.

Learn not only what he is thinking but how to react based on his actions.

You zig when he zags. This keeps him hooked on you through his desire for challenge and mystery.

Understanding how men think is the missing link to finding true love. They don’t teach this stuff in school!

Get the book that changed dating forever! To Date a Man You Must Understand a Man  

Why Can’t I Find Love – Wrapping Up

Change happens in seconds if you allow it too.

Look over these 11 items and address each one. Spend some time evaluating:

  • Who are you and what you do you truly want from life
  • Your past and how it affects you and your opinions about relationships
  • Whether you have boundaries and how to set some that will positively impact your relationships
  • If your relationship with your ex is affecting you
  • If you’re searching in the wrong places
  • Whether people close to you are helping or holding you back
  • If you know how men think
  • Your own mindset and how to shake the feeling of being miserable

If you begin making these eleven changes, you will begin to see a positive turnaround in the quality of your relationships, and not just your relationships with men.

So ask yourself again. Why can’t I find love? Now you can!

Knowing how to not date a jerk includes embracing your single life and taking the time to become a confident, independent woman. Riding Solo, a book written specifically for women who want to do just that, walks you through overcoming the stigma of being single on to becoming that independent, confident woman. This places you in the best possible position to find and date wonderful, great men who are not jerks.

Is He Right For Me?

Is He Right For Me?

Ming Asked, Is He Right For Me?

Gregg, I have a great 2 ½ year relationship going but I am worried, and I am hoping you can guide me and help me decide if he is right for me.  I am 33 years old and he the same. My guy is awesome in many ways – he treats me well, he showers me with love and he has the same family goals and timing as I do. The sex is great and my family loves him too.

So what’s wrong, you ask?

I just don’t feel that he is my soulmate. We don’t “click” quite as well as I think we should. I have dated crappy men that were more compatible with me it seems. Our highs were higher, if you will, then they are with my current guy. Of course, our lows were terrible.

Am I making any sense? Is he right for me? Am I just getting cold feet? Is there a way that I can get him to work on this and “get me” more?

Your avid follower,
Ming

Hi Ming, thanks for your question. It’s a dandy!

As a dating coach who concentrates on women and their dealings with men, I have come to learn one thing: A woman needs to trust her intuition!

How to Know if you Found the Right Guy?

If he takes care of you when you are sick – he is the right guy!

If you are asking me this question, then something is wrong. Granted you told me very little in those 150 words but they screamed that this is the wrong guy to spend the rest of your life with. If you are worried now, then how will you feel after 2 more years?

Probably not the answer you wanted to hear but I must be honest. Compatibility is super important. Chemistry arrives on day one, and a woman should know that her guy is the right man to spend the rest of her life with soon thereafter.

How to Know if you Found the Right Guy?

I find many women just don’t want to let a guy go because they feel their man is such a great catch and they might not be able to find a better man. They don’t want some other woman to have him.

That’s not good enough.

That leads to a divorce and misery in, say, three years. Chemistry comes naturally and can’t be “fixed.” Sure, he could grow on you, but don’t you think he should have by now?

I would prefer that the sex be just fair – that is something that can be improved upon, compatibility less so.

Dig deep Ming. Really think things through and ask yourself, “Is he right for me?” before you walk down the aisle. There is no rush. I would highly recommend that you take some time out from this relationship and seek clarity from the outside looking in. If you do, I bet your situation will become clearer.

Is He Right for Me? Ask Yourself these 4 Questions:

Do You Share Core Beliefs?

Opposites do attract – but not too opposite. A guy is right for you if the important stuff aligns. If you believe that giving back to society is important and you spend hours per week doing it, then volunteering is something you strongly believe in.

Just met him and you think he could be the one? Learn How to Ask a Guy Out HERE!

I highly doubt you would consider dating a man who thinks your volunteer time is money, that could be spent on the two of you purchasing material items.

Are You a Team?

A team is synchronized. For example, you say something, and he finishes your statement. Or you may say the same things or do similar actions at the exact same time.

My girlfriend and I camp a lot. We both love it and you can see it from the moment we start to pack. She handles the food and all the sleeping stuff. I handle the gear and loading the truck. We are a fine-tuned machine.

We are a team.

No communication is necessary while we get ready. Yes, we laugh and have fun while packing but there is never any arguing over what needs to be done.

Are Disagreements Handled with Respect?

Is He Right For Me?

He is not right for you if this is how you argue!

You know he is right for you by how you handle disagreements. Each side listens to the other and realizes that they could be wrong. They want to hear the other’s opinion and come to a compromise.

Do You Call Each Other Out in Public?

I remember being out with my buddy Glen and his wife. Glen was a bit upset at our waiter for delivering our food cold. Glen’s wife ripped Glen in front of everyone. Even other patrons heard her.

Although Glen could have handled the situation better, Glen’s wife was totally out of line for shaming him in front of everyone. That should have been handled privately.

They are divorced today.

Is He Right for Me? Wrapping Up

Hopefully, Ming’s letter, my answer, and the 4 questions I asked you will answer your question, Is He Right for Me?

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