These Things are Killing Your Chances of Meeting a Man!
The task of meeting a man can feel overwhelming if you feel like you’ve been there and done that time and time again. If that’s how you feel, I have some good news for you today! Chances are excellent that there’s a good man out there just waiting for you to come into his life, but there are a few things you might want to change first.
Understand That Meeting a Man Takes Time
This is where television, romance novels, and movies don’t do love a service. Your great guy isn’t just going to show up with a glass slipper that fits only you. He’s not going to bump into you at the airport and sweep you off your feet or swoop in to rescue you from your evil mother.
Meeting a man takes time and energy. Women write to me often telling me they can’t find a guy. When I ask them how much time they put into it during an average week, I often get an answer like “Ohh, I go out with my friends on Saturday nights.”
Two or three hours a week isn’t going to help you find a great guy, especially if you’re huddled around your friends the entire time you’re out.
There are opportunities to meet great men everywhere, you just aren’t looking. When you go to church, sit next to a single guy. Join Meetup groups of people with similar interests to yours. Volunteer for causes that are important to you.
If you’re comfortable with it, you can try online dating. I have two great resources to help you with that here and here.
Change Your False Beliefs about Dating
Whether you realize it or not, you have a dating attitude and there’s a chance that if you’re having trouble meeting a man, it might not be the right attitude.
There are No Good Men Left
Women say this all the time and while it might feel like this is the case, the truth is that there are great men everywhere. Sure, the older you get, the smaller the potential pool of great men, but there are great men available.
The problem with this attitude, other than preventing you from seriously looking, is that men can smell it a mile away. When you think this way, what you’re thinking is that all the available men are bad.
This type of belief allows you to limit your belief in the possibilities that exist around you. You have a jaded view of every man you see, suspect of his intentions.
There are other ways women express this attitude:
- All men are jerks
- Men cheat
- All men are liars
- Men act like babies
- Even a good man will let you down eventually
- All the good men are taken
- The men available now are all losers
If you date a guy, you’ll automatically dismiss him as having one of those flaws without really giving yourself time to get to know him.
Often, what’s really at play is a fear of rejection or abandonment. Instead of giving another man time to reject you, you reject him.
He’s Not Perfect, I’ll Pass
When you see a guy you like, you suddenly find his flaws. He’s too tall, too short, his hair is too gray, he’s too fat, too thin, you suddenly don’t like men with mustaches and his choice of music is lacking.
The real problem with these reasons for rejection is that they aren’t fundamental to a great relationship. They’re superficial and you’re using them as excuses to protect your heart.
The next time you’re checking out a potential suitor, look for things that speak to his character and values. This means spending a little time getting to know him instead of immediately rejecting him.
Meeting a Man | Commitment = Abandonment
People control their heartbreak by ending relationships too early. For some, a belief that all relationships will ultimately end forces a decision to break things off, especially if you’re traveling down a road that leads to more commitment.
Most likely, you’ve experienced more than one relationship that ended with your heartbreak. What you want is for just one guy to break through the walls you’ve erected and claim you as his. Of course, he missed this cue and retreats, following your lead and creating the very thing you fear – abandonment and rejection.
Something is Wrong with Me
With this mindset, you believe you’ll never find love because you’re flawed. Your self-talk goes something like this:
- I’m too fat
- I’m unlovable
- My instincts can’t be trusted
- I’m too old
- I’m too successful
- Men don’t find me attractive
- I have nothing to offer a man
- I don’t know what’s wrong with me
- My kids will get in the way
You may use self-deprecating statements to drive a guy away or hide part of your past to create a reason to later bold from the relationship.
Women who believe these types of thoughts often either can’t relax, be real or truthful with a man, or they over-give as a way of gaining his love.
In this case, improving your self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth will help you move past these negative beliefs. You can read more on that here.
You’re Going After the Wrong Type of Guy
You’ve dated the same guy over and over. All the men you date have similar looks, careers, or other traits. You might not even recognize it but it’s probably true.
The best way to determine what type of man is right for you is to tiptoe back through the men you’ve dated and look at their traits.
Get yourself a few sheets of paper, one for each guy, and make two columns, one for positive traits and one for negative traits. For each guy, write traits in each column. After you’ve gathered this first layer of data, go back through your sheets and make a list of all the positive traits, then all the negative traits.
Rank these traits by how important they are to you. They’re either important to have in a guy or things you want to avoid.
The guy who’s right for you has some positive traits and some negative traits. Be sure to choose men who have the important positive traits and lack the negative traits that you ranked as those to avoid.
If you choose online dating as an option for meeting a man, you can use this as a way to weed out the men who reach out.
True Love Doesn’t Really Exist
A great defense mechanism is to claim you believe true love doesn’t exist. By believing this, you’re creating a cynical and hopeless viewpoint about healthy relationships. It’s a great way to absolve yourself from taking the risk to find love.
This also sometimes comes across like this:
- All men really just want to use women then spit them out and go after another
- Needy people stay in relationships
- Relationships are business deals where everyone gets what they want and then leaves
- Lasting love only exists in the movies
- People who claim they’re happy have really just settled
- Those who claim to be in loving relationships have just compromised for the sake of the kids
- The best I can hope for is a guy who…
Regardless of how much attention and caring a man shows you, you silently wonder what he really wants from you. It can’t be that he loves you for you because you aren’t good enough.
Meeting a Man | Love is Hard
The first thing I’ll say here is that yes, true love takes work, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
Your real fear is getting too close to someone, only to have them hurt you or you fear you’ll hurt them. You might have suffered physical or verbal abuse in your past and the result was the type of pain you’re trying to avoid now.
Other statements that fit the love is hard theme include:
- Love is too painful
- The price you pay to love someone is too high
- I’ll never find or get what I really want
- I’ve seen people who are supposedly happy end up miserable and alone
- Love = suffering
- Breakups cause too much damage and you can’t recover
- People in a relationship bring out the worst in one another
- Relationships can be angry and explosive
This isn’t the Relationship
When you think this way, you believe that the relationship you’re in isn’t the relationship for you. You have a fantasy of what the ideal relationship looks like and this relationship doesn’t fit that fantasy.
You say things like:
- He’s not the perfect guy for me
- This doesn’t match my fantasy
- This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be
- He’s not my soulmate
- He’s not my type
- This guy isn’t good enough
- There isn’t enough chemistry
- We aren’t a good match
- We want different things
- I won’t settle for anything less than perfect
- This isn’t what I expected love to look like
Set aside your fantasy and look at this guy from a different lens. Do your values match? How great is your chemistry? Do you want the same things?
Somewhere deep inside, you know that perfect doesn’t exist, so looking for it is just a way to again protect your heart. We’ve already talked about how there’s no perfect guy, but they’re also no perfect relationship.
Every relationship requires you to compromise and make sacrifices. In a good relationship, you’re equally willing to make those compromises and sacrifices for the good of the relationship.
Someone Has to Give Up Who They Are in a Relationship
When you hold onto this line of belief, you’re really afraid of either being smothered or smothering someone else. You fear creating what is called a co-dependent relationship where one partner completely takes over the needs and wants of the other.
This type of relationship leads you to believe that you can’t express your true wants and needs. You spend less and less time with your friends and slowly become less independent instead of doting on your relationship and your boyfriend.
Codependent relationships never work in the long haul.
You may also say to yourself:
- I can’t be the real me in a relationship
- It’s up to me to do all the work to keep this relationship going
- I’m losing my identity in this relationship
- I’m powerless in the relationship
- He needs to be the man I want him to be
- I need to avoid conflict
- I need to sacrifice my needs instead of his
Adjust Your Mindset Before Meeting a Man
Stop Hating Your Single Life
Being single carries an unfortunate stigma that many people try to avoid. Back before women worked and were able to financially support themselves, a single woman was seen as a burden to society and one who was unworthy of love.
That spinster mentality died with feminism, fortunately, but the stigma of being single still lingers. Your mother, your aunt, and even your friends ask why you can’t find a good man. You hate being single because all your friends are dating great guys and you have nobody to do stuff with.
The problem with this is that you date from a position of desperation. You’ll date any guy just to prove you’re worthy and to stop the comments from friends and family. This is a horrible way to approach meeting a man.
Additionally, you come across as needy and confident men will avoid women who put off this vibe.
In this situation, you go all in and don’t give your guy a chance to chase you or be your hero. This makes the relationship boring for him and you.
End the Belief that a Man Will Make You Happy
Happiness doesn’t come and go with the men in your life. Oh, I know you’re sad when a guy leaves and you feel a higher level of happiness when you’re in a relationship, but that’s a false correlation.
We often get this one backward. People believe that to be happy, they must be in a relationship when in reality, to be in a fulfilling relationship, you must be happy first with the life you already have.
Looking for happiness in a relationship as the only source will always disappoint you in the long run because a relationship isn’t the fix for unhappiness.
When you’re happy with your life as a single woman, men are drawn to you and want to be part of your world. It’s like a big magnet for men.
Your Biological Clock is Ticking or Wanting Parental Support
Okay, so on some level, this might be true, but using this as a reason to seek a man is going about it in the wrong way. While you may be getting older, using this mindset puts you back into the position of desperation.
Do you know who seeks out desperate women? Players and losers, that’s who. Great men steer clear of desperate women.
The other part of this equation is if you have kids and you think they need a father figure. Again, you’re coming at this from a position of desperation. You can argue otherwise, but wanting someone to co-parent with you is not a good reason to find a guy. Meeting a man should be about finding someone to build a mutually supportive relationship with.
No guy wants to be in a relationship with you strictly to parent your kids. Looking for men who will make good fathers might be one thing to consider, but it shouldn’t be the only thing you look at.
Instead of wanting to find a father for your current or future children, step back and look for a guy who’s right for you. The rest will come. Be patient. By forcing the biological clock thing, you’re delaying things, not speeding them up and if you do find a guy with this mindset, the odds of long-term success aren’t in your favor.
You speed up the process of getting to the discussion about kids.
The process of getting to know one another takes time. Forcing the timeline will scare many men off.
Meeting a Man When You’re Too Independent
There’s a difference between being independent and being bossy. Men are attracted to independent women, but not when they use that independence to ramrod your agenda down his throat.
An independent woman often falls into the alpha woman category and those dating challenges are somewhat different.
You can learn more about successful alpha woman relationships here.
You Make a Man Your Hobby
This is another common relationship mistake, and it causes the demise of many otherwise great relationships.
This happens when you give up your hobbies and friendships to spend more time with your guy. Suddenly, he’s your only priority.
The best thing you can do for your relationship is to maintain all your hobbies and friendships. Continue going to Yoga class. Don’t stop those art lessons. Keep going out on girls’ night with your friends.
You’ll still have plenty of time to spend with your guy, so don’t worry about that. Even in a marriage, you don’t need to be with one another one hundred percent of the time. It’s unhealthy and unrealistic.
Personal growth occurs when you pursue those activities you love so much and friendships help keep you grounded and connected.
You’re the One Who’s Chasing
For men, dating is fun. Men enjoy the chase and uncovering the mystery that is you. If you chase him, you take that away from him.
Allow a man to chase you by being patient. He’s not going to answer your texts immediately so chill and find that hobby to work on.
Let him plan some of your dates and don’t overshare when you’re together. Let him learn about you slowly but steadily. If you plan fun dates, you’ll get to know one another naturally, not by force.
Learn how to keep a man interested.
Meeting a Man | You Slept with Him Too Soon
This is a big problem in relationships because it’s a signal of low confidence and possibly a sign that you’ve found yourself a player.
When your confidence is high, you don’t feel the need to sleep with a guy to keep him around. You understand that you have value and worth that goes beyond any sexual relationship. You make him earn his way into your bed by proving that he is worthy of you.
I see this same woman every time I go out with my friends. Not the exact same woman, but the type of woman. She’s dressed in clothes that are too revealing and she works too hard at flirting to make it look natural.
When you dress in clothing that’s too revealing, you send the signal that you don’t believe you have anything to offer a man other than your body. Additionally, you leave a guy no mystery. Men like to wonder what’s beneath your blouse, and their imaginations do a good enough job until they get to know you.
The Secret to Meeting A Man | Date Like a Man
Okay so maybe it doesn’t make sense that the secret to meeting a man is to date like a man, but allow me to explain.
I just eluded to the fact that men date for fun. Men love mystery and challenge in their relationships, and not just early in the relationship but throughout, but that’s for another conversation.
Right now, I want to explain what it means to date like a man.
The standard first date is high pressure for a few reasons:
- It’s usually a formal dinner date
- Your expectations are too high
- You’re hinging too much of yourself on the outcome
Let’s take them one at a time.
Plan Fun Dates
Dinner dates are fine for date nights with your partner after you’ve gotten to know one another, but they make for horrible first dates.
The pressure to hold a conversation together is too great and the environment is intimidating.
Instead of dinner, plan an adventure, or at least a date where you’re doing something other than staring at one another across water glasses.
- Go hiking in a public place
- Try a local rock-climbing wall
- Go bowling or putt-putt golfing
- Visit a zoo or other local venue
- Take a cooking class together
These ideas are just starters or examples of the fun things you can do. On these dates, you get to see how you each react to different situations. The pressure to hold a conversation is lower because you’re too busy having fun.
The trick is not to be afraid of embarrassing yourself. So you throw a gutter ball or three. Who cares? He’ll be studying how you handle that, rather than judging you for it. Laugh it off and try again.
If you learn you share a common interest, go on a date where you can explore that commonality.
The point is not to put too much pressure on those first dates. You’re not exclusive and shouldn’t be until you know him better. You’re just trying each other on for size to see whether you want to keep dating.
If you don’t, no sweat! Move on and try again.
Try to Focus Less on the Result
When you go on a first date, you’re already sizing him up to see if you want to marry him. That’s way too much to put on a first, second, or even fifth date. You’re focusing on the result of the relationship, rather than focusing on building a lasting relationship.
It takes time to get to know someone and forcing that doesn’t do anyone any good. Additionally, you start taking note of all the things he does to validate your opinion that he’s just the guy for you.
I call these milestones:
- He held my hand
- He kissed me
- We had sex
- He invited me to meet his family
- I got to meet his best friend
- We took a trip together
For a guy, these are just ways to have fun with you. He’s not kissing you for the first time because he wants to marry you. He acted out of impulse because he felt attracted to you, but that doesn’t mean he wants to marry you.
Men are clueless about these milestones so you keeping track of them is fruitless. Instead, focus on getting to know him. Experience different things together and learn about him that way. Take the marriage pressure off and just enjoy dating.
Act Like a Guy
There’s this thing I like to call man mode. Man mode is your ultimate tool in finding and keeping a great guy. It goes something like this.
When you think a guy is about to do something, you do it first. For example, if your guy wants to go hang out with his friends…again, you go first, looking extra hot and making sure he sees you. You’re effectively diminishing his odds of having fun because he’ll be worried about what men you might see while you’re out and whether you’ll find them more interesting than him.
Another example is managing an argument. While your instinct is to stay and fight it out, a man would rather retreat and figure things out first, so that’s what you do…first. You say something like, “Ya’ know Gregg, I think I’m going to head to the gym for a while. I’ll be back later.” He was thinking the same thing, but he didn’t know how to approach it without making you angrier. You beat him to it and now, he’s scratching his head wondering what just happened.
In both those instances, you’ve turned the tables on your guy without playing games or tricks on him. He can respond to these actions because it’s how he and his guy friends interact.
Meeting a Man
Meeting a man is more than going out on a Saturday night with your friends. It’s about having fun, adopting the right mindset, and dispelling the many myths about finding great men.
But the best key to meeting a man is building your confidence. Great men are attracted to confident women. When you’re confident, you give yourself the best chance of meeting a confident man who will treat you well.
I encourage you to take what you’ve learned here and determine which of the roadblocks might be standing in your way. Then, kick that roadblock down, once and for all, and get out there. Have fun meeting a man who will treat you like a queen!
Knowing how to not date a jerk includes embracing your single life and taking the time to become a confident, independent woman. Riding Solo, a book written specifically for women who want to do just that, walks you through overcoming the stigma of being single on to becoming that independent, confident woman. This places you in the best possible position to find and date wonderful, great men who are not jerks.
