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Throw The Stick!

Throw The Stick!

Male Behaviors are Not as Complex as Women Think!

Every day, I answer questions about male behaviors, and yesterday, a reader asked why men want what they can’t have. She wondered why I recommended that she stop pursuing her guy so he would chase her.

To find this answer, we need to dig into male behaviors.

All men live for the chase, whether chasing an expensive car, a new job, or you. If you throw a stick for Fido, he’ll chase it because it’s in his nature to do so. Men are the same way; it’s in their nature to chase.

If we stick with the dog and stick analogy, the stick represents challenge and mystery. You use those two tactics to entice him to chase you, and you can’t do that if you’re constantly chasing him! He gets confused, just as a dog would if you chased the stick instead of him.

When the two of you are apart, he wonders what you’re doing and with whom. He wonders why you’re not spending time with him and thinks you have more important things in your life. He recognizes the need to try harder if he wants to spend time with you.

Mystery and Challenge

By being busy with your life, you’re creating mystery and challenge. You have thrown the stick, and he’s ready to chase after it.

I know it’s the opposite of what you think you should do, but hear me out.

You’re mysterious and exciting when your social life keeps you busy and you have other things going on. He can’t flash his toothy smile and magically make you appear, and now you’re challenging too!

When he calls at the last minute, you have a valid reason to say no, as well you should. Now, he realizes your time is valuable, and he needs to step up his game, or he’ll be toast. Players won’t make an effort, so this naturally weeds them out. They can get the attention they desire from less confident women.

You can visit dating websites for men and better understand male behaviors.

Understanding Male Behaviors

The answer to understanding male behaviors is so simple that it’s almost ridiculous, yet I spend countless hours convincing women to try this.

Resist your instinct to dote on a guy and nurture him. Avoid the urge to say yes to every date request he throws out there. Instead, let him know you’re busy, even if you aren’t, and suggest a different day and time.

Explore new hobbies or get back into old ones. Find something you’re passionate about and get involved. Not only are these activities good for you, but they’re also great ways to meet new people who share those hobbies and passions.

Do you have your Night Moves down? Are you ready to go out and get a guy to fall for you, using science and not trickery? If so, this is the book for you! I've done the research, and you get to benefit. Here are the steps you can take, whether you're headed out on a first date or going out with your friends to look for men. The science behind attraction is just a few clicks away!

Here are just a couple of things you'll learn inside this best-seller:

  • Red lipstick is magical when it comes to attraction...learn why inside
  • Looking at a guy, looking away, and then looking back with the right timing sends a clear signal...but what signal? Learn inside the book
  • You can get a guy to feel like he's falling for you with a few subtle movements. Learn what they are in this book!

Read more about this book or click one of the buttons below to buy it now.

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Final Post: How to Keep a Guy From Getting Bored

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Final Post: How to Keep a Guy From Getting Bored

The last topic in this series on understanding men is how to keep a guy from getting bored. For links to each of the previous articles, scroll to the end of the article.

I embarked on this journey to present the twelve ingredients that go into men because most women don’t know how men tick. Why would you? You’re female. We are also clueless about what makes you tick.

Today’s topic, how to keep a guy from getting bored, is no less important than the previous eleven. One could argue it’s essential. A man who’s bored in a relationship can develop a wandering eye. Not all men, but some.

How do you prevent this from happening? Read on, my beautiful friend. Read on.

It Boils Down to Two Things: Mystery and Challenge

Don’t roll your eyes. Did I just see you roll your eyes? Yes, if you’ve read my books or other articles on this site, mystery and challenge aren’t new topics to you. I understand that, but hopefully, by seeing them repeatedly, their importance will sink in.

If you’re new to the site and my writing, let me give you an overview of each.

How to Keep a Guy from Getting Bored with Challenge

Before I write one more word, let me first say that you don’t do these things every day or they become boring in themselves. Use these once a week or so, as you feel you need to.

Stay One Step Ahead of Him

Staying one step ahead of him is one way to learn how to keep a guy from getting bored. What does it look like?

If he’s planning to go to the gym, you’ve already been there and are back. If he decides to try a new hobby, you have three you love.

When he gets out of the shower before work, you have his clothes lined up, and you’re already gone.

If he announces a golf trip with his buddies, you plan a trip to Vegas with your friends.

When you stay one step ahead, he sees that you’re quick on your feet and you have a life outside your life with him. You love him, but he needs to keep up.

He’s less likely to feel comfortable sitting on the couch playing video games or watching sports if you’re out doing things without him. Can you sit on the couch with him all day? Sure, but not every day.

Be Less Intense

The work environment is sometimes stressful, so when you’re out for an evening of fun, it helps to let your hair down.

It can be challenging to shift from being in charge to enjoying yourself, but the intensity after a full day of stress is just too much.

Let him get to know you slowly, not all at once. Sharing your entire life story over one or two drinks is very intense.

He wants to hear it, but slowly, over several dates. Reveal your story in bits and pieces. This keeps the mystery alive and keeps him intrigued.

how to keep a guy from getting bored

Be Open-Minded

You’ve probably developed a list if you’ve dated for any time. It might go something like this:

  • I’d never ride a rollercoaster
  • No way would I ever touch a snake!
  • I never eat dessert after 7
  • There’s no way on earth I’d try ziplining
  • I would never date a guy who was over six feet tall

This type of list makes you closed-minded. It’s one thing to have fears about rollercoasters, ziplining, and snakes, but it’s another to completely rule out any opportunity to grow. Instead, inject challenge and mystery by being open to new experiences.

If something causes you to break out into a cold sweat, say so, but still keep an open mind about trying. Experiencing something like that with your guy is incredibly bonding, and he’ll wonder what else you’re willing to try!

Mystery!

Learn the 15 tell-tale signs that your guy likes you!

Never Let Him Get Bored

When he zigs, you zag. If he believes you can’t do a push-up, you crank out ten. If he knows your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan, you decide it’s black raspberry this week.

Do you always dress in basically the same way for your dates? Change things up with a new style.

The idea here is not to fall into a rut with your relationship. Keep him on his toes by staying on yours. Surprise him with little tidbits.

If you usually text him daily, skip a day and say you were busy.

Keeping him interested is fun, but it’s also good for you. Doing these things helps you keep from allowing your life to become too mundane.

The bonus is that this guy will never become bored, which is crucial.

Share Your Opinion

Men love to share their opinion, and more than that, they love friendly or competitive banter.

When two men have a conversation, they constantly challenge one another by taking opposite stands on a topic.

These aren’t arguments but discussions where each has an opinion, and they rarely back down. It strengthens their bond, and it can do the same for you.

To share an opinion on a subject, you need to cultivate knowledge. You do this by experiencing life to the fullest. Get out there and check out a political rally. Watch a football game or two. Go to the art museum or arboretum.

Your action makes you interesting and enables you to be challenging. To make this work, find out where his passion lies, and then learn what you can about it.

How to Keep a Guy from Getting Bored with Mystery

When you first meet a new man, you know little about one another. The first date is one big mystery, which is exciting for most men. He’s dying to learn what makes you tick and hear your story.

He’s in chase mode, but as time passes and he learns more about you, the mystery begins to disappear. The faster you tell him your entire life story, the faster the mystery dissipates.

For him, this is part of the fun of dating you, but eventually, regardless of how much you spread out your story, he’ll know most of it. Then what?

I get pushback on this because women feel they don’t need to change who they are to please a man. I agree with this, and I didn’t ask you to change who you are.

Answer this: are you the same person today that you were five years ago? Do you think you’ll be the same person in ten years or twenty?

Of course not. We all change and grow. People develop new skills and interests. You learn new things and engage in new hobbies.

Instead of fighting me on this advice, recognize that change is inevitable. Your guy will change, too; if you don’t both change, someone will be left behind.

how to keep a guy from getting bored

Take a Few Risks

Risk-taking is an excellent way to inject mystery into your relationship. You don’t need to risk your life, but take some risks in safe ways.

For example, if you’re afraid of heights, work on overcoming that fear by working your way to higher and higher places. Come home proud that you stood at the top of the bleachers and looked down!

Every person has fears. Some are rational, some aren’t, but that’s not for me to judge. As humans, we grow when we face those fears. You build confidence by acknowledging and then overcoming a fear.

And you become mysterious. If you come home and announce that you finally reached the top of the rock-climbing wall at the gym, your guy will beam with pride and be thrilled for you. Then, he’ll wonder what’s next with a big smile.

How to Keep a Guy from Losing Interest: Keep Some Secrets to Yourself

People are like onions. We have many layers. Part of dating fun is peeling back those layers to see what lies beneath.

Don’t overshare your life with a new guy. Hold things back for much later. Don’t do this with the important stuff, like whether you have kids or if you live in another city. Instead, hold back that great trip to Europe during college or the time you got up in front of the entire student body to win the spelling bee.

You can also save more intimate things like any sexual fetishes or fantasies you may have. This makes you very mysterious indeed!

Keep Him Guessing – Break His Label

Have you ever seen a stranger and immediately placed a label on them? Of course, you have. We all do it because it’s human nature. It’s a defense mechanism. You assess someone for their threat level, whether you realize it or not.

Well, when your guy first met you, he labeled you too. Maybe he even placed a label on you before you officially met.

Imagine that the first time he saw you was when he was watching a buddy play soccer. He saw you on the field and immediately labeled you as a jock.

Then, the next time he saw you, you were dressed up for a charity event in a beautiful dress with your hair and makeup done.

This is a great way to be mysterious without even intending to be. He labeled you when he first saw you; then you busted it when he saw you again. He doesn’t know what to expect, and he loves it!

How to Keep a Guy from Getting Bored | Break Your Routine

Breaking your routine is more about when you’re in a relationship than when you’re dating early on. You’ve been together for a while, and he knows your daily routine by heart.

But then you turn it upside down. Instead of getting up and going to the gym right away, you get up and make his favorite breakfast. Another day, instead of ordering your favorite coffee on your Saturday morning date, you order something different.

These seem like small things, but they break a routine, and that’s always good.

Routines are fine, but they’re boring. Sometimes we need them to ensure we get things done, but that doesn’t mean every moment should be part of some routine.

Don’t be afraid to shake things up from time to time. It shows that you’re willing to live outside your comfort zone and that you’re a confident woman. There is safety in a routine, so breaking it forces you to step outside that safety net.

Give Him Space

Giving him space comes in two forms: emotional and physical.

To give him physical space, let him have a place that’s all his. When a man is dealing with something emotional or stressful, he needs to be able to retreat and lick his wounds while coping with the emotional stuff.

To give him emotional space, let him go to that physical space and lick his wounds until he’s ready to discuss it.

Men aren’t equipped to manage emotionally difficult situations like women are. Most men are raised to suck it up and deal, not to show emotions because it’s a sign of weakness.

Therefore, they need a retreat so they can figure things out. Don’t trail along behind him, begging him to talk to you. Find something to do, like getting into your hobby or going out with friends.

How to Keep a Guy from Getting Bored

Follow the advice above, and your guy won’t become bored in your relationship. All the things you read about above will also help you write your story and grow as a woman.

Learning how to keep a guy from getting bored is learning how to live your life to the fullest, and there’s nothing wrong with that!

Take Control of Your Relationship by Understanding Men | The Entire Series

The remaining twelve articles in this series are linked below. Each covers a nuance of being male that many women don’t understand. They highlight the differences between men and women and hopefully help you enjoy a successful relationship.

Series Introduction

Winning

Competition

Rejection

Feelings

Money

Status

Challenge

Appreciation

Cheating

Providing

To date a man, you must understand a man. Men and women do almost everything differently, and sometimes for different motivations. To a man, his financial status indicates how well he can take care of you and your family. It's a source of pride for him to be able to do so, even if you make your own money and can support yourself.

It's how he was raised.

Men also love differently. Many relationships breakup for the simple reason that a man is showing a woman how much he loves her, but he isn't saying the words she longs to hear. He's taking her car to get the oil changed, building the shelves she desires in her office and helping with the outside chores. You're probably missing many of these signs that he loves you.

You gain so much insight into the male mind that you'll be amazed at what you suddenly see and understand in the behavior of all men around you. Not just the man you're in a relationship with, but the men you work with and those in your family.

Read more about the book here or click the buttons to buy it today!

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 12: Guys Take Longer to Fall in Love.

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 12: Guys Take Longer to Fall in Love.

I get emails all the time asking me one big question: how long does it take for a man to fall in love?

You’ve probably read this statement before on this website, but if not, you need to read it now. Men date to have fun. Women date to get married.

This is at the crux of many dating issues. You have different goals, at least initially.

My goal today is to help you answer two questions:

  • How long does it take for a man to fall in love?
  • How does a man fall in love?

These aren’t difficult questions to answer, although I will say that not every man fits some standard mold. Some men fall in love faster and slower than you’re about to read.

My Beautiful Russian Friend

Some time ago, I was staying in Delray, Florida, and met a beautiful woman visiting the US from Russia. I was intrigued by her because she was mysterious right off. Learning about someone from another country adds a layer of intrigue to dating.

We had fun together, but it was time for me to return home. She was disappointed, so I asked if she wanted to return with me and stay for the remainder of her vacation.

Easter was approaching, and I always spend holidays with my family. Not wanting to leave her alone, I invited her to join me.

I’m sure you can see where her mind was headed, but I couldn’t. Soon enough, however, I realized we weren’t on the same page. I was enjoying getting to know her, but she was sizing me up as a husband.

She’d made her decision, but I was still having fun getting to know her. As you probably already realize, she noted everything I did and tallied milestones. The time spent in Florida was milestone one. The invitation to Boston was two, and it went from there.

I wasn’t even close to falling in love with her; ultimately, she was disappointed, which made me sad. I hate disappointing people.

How Long Does It Take for a Man to Fall in Love? Longer than Most Women

The problem, of course, is the disconnect between how men and women fall in love. Women often misread the intentions of men, and ultimately, a blowup occurs, and things fall apart.

If we return to my beautiful Russian friend, whom I’ll call Alisa, I can see now that she was using things that fit her marriage narrative and positive proof of my desire to marry her and ignoring anything that didn’t fit the narrative.

The sad truth of the situation is that she was moving too fast, and I never got to know her. While I liked her, I had to cut things off because I didn’t want to let her down anymore. I’ll never know what might have been with Alisa because she misread my intentions.

I was invited to a video shoot with Your Tango a few years ago. There were a total of five people in the videos, but I was the only man. We shot several videos, one of which was on love at first sight. You can watch it here.

The four women on the panel argued with my take on men and falling in love, but they aren’t men, so I held my ground! After the shoot, the male producer came up to me and said, “You’re so right, man!”

I don’t make this stuff up! I’ve spoken to thousands of men and women over the years and asked these questions. What I write for you is the result of my unscientific research.

Men live in the moment while women are more future-oriented. While you’re making a tally mark for each milestone you think we’ve achieved in the relationship; men are clueless about those milestones.

how long does it take for a man to fall in love

When Guys Fall in Love, They Fall Hard

How long does it take for a man to fall in love?

A man knows he’s in love when he realizes he’d rather be with you than his friends.

Until then, men are oblivious. For a man, falling in love happens when everything feels right, rarely at first sight. Meanwhile, you’re already in love and thinking each of these things we do means we want to marry you:

  • Holding your hand
  • Kissing you; not on the cheek
  • Meeting his family
  • Going on a weekend getaway
  • Saying I love you when he’s drunk
  • Gaining approval of his dog

I encourage you to date more as men do. Not because I think we’ve got it right and you don’t, but because you can’t force someone to fall in love with you, so you may as well date to have fun instead.

How Men Fall in Love

Honestly, there isn’t a recipe for how a man or woman falls in love, but I can give you a recipe for successful dating that might lead to love.

Instead of looking for milestones that don’t exist, date to have fun. Dating is about getting to know someone and the best way to do that is by having fun together.

There’s a bonus to this tactic, too, because that’s also how you build intimacy.

Many people confuse intimacy with sex. They are not the same thing. Intimacy is built through sharing experiences together.

If you want to date successfully, try some of these dates on for size:

  • Go rollerblading through the park
  • Attend an outdoor concert with a picnic dinner
  • Visit a nearby quaint town and go window shopping
  • Go bowling, golfing, or enjoy any other sport
  • Attend a sporting event together
  • Visit an apple orchard and pick a bushel, then make pies or applesauce together
  • Take a drive through the country
  • Take a cooking class together
  • Go hiking, kayaking, or snowboarding
  • Face a fear together, like skydiving, bungee jumping, or ziplining

These are just a few suggestions, and nowhere on that list did you see go to a restaurant and stare at one another, wishing for something to say.

Any of these activities will help you develop intimacy and form a bond with one another. They’re all fun, and none have any pressure for conversation. You can even wear comfy clothes instead of getting all dressed up! BONUS!

How Long Does It Take for a Man to Fall in Love?

Just how long does it take for a man to fall in love? On average, it takes weeks, if not months. Your guy is living in the moment, oblivious to your milestones, but suddenly, he’ll realize he’s in love with you if you aren’t pressuring him before he’s ready!

A man falls in love when he suddenly realizes he’s dating a great woman and wants to be with her instead of his friends.

Take Control of Your Relationship by Understanding Men | The Entire Series

The remaining twelve articles in this series are linked below. Each covers a nuance of being male that many women don’t understand. They highlight the differences between men and women and hopefully help you enjoy a successful relationship.

Series Introduction

Winning

Competition

Rejection

Feelings

Money

Status

Challenge

Appreciation

Cheating

Providing

To date a man, you must understand a man. Men and women do almost everything differently, and sometimes for different motivations. To a man, his financial status indicates how well he can take care of you and your family. It's a source of pride for him to be able to do so, even if you make your own money and can support yourself.

It's how he was raised.

Men also love differently. Many relationships breakup for the simple reason that a man is showing a woman how much he loves her, but he isn't saying the words she longs to hear. He's taking her car to get the oil changed, building the shelves she desires in her office and helping with the outside chores. You're probably missing many of these signs that he loves you.

You gain so much insight into the male mind that you'll be amazed at what you suddenly see and understand in the behavior of all men around you. Not just the man you're in a relationship with, but the men you work with and those in your family.

Read more about the book here or click the buttons to buy it today!

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 11:  Men Need to Feel That They Can Provide

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 11: Men Need to Feel That They Can Provide

Today’s women may have difficulty understanding a man’s need to provide. You can provide for yourself and don’t need a stinkin’ man to do that for you. I get it!

But here’s the thing. Just because you don’t need him to provide for you doesn’t mean he doesn’t still have that need, deeply rooted inside.

Men are raised to be providers. Society views a man who cannot provide for his family as a slacker, a loser, and a waste. While there are certainly men who don’t care how society views them, the expectation is still there.

Man’s need to provide for his family is at the core of every great man. He wants to be that person for you, even though he knows you don’t need him to be.

In relationships with two alphas, this becomes a natural bone of contention. As an alpha female, a woman wants to be her own person and support system. She’s worked hard to get there.

Instead of feeling that a man’s need to provide is taking something away from you, perhaps I can encourage you to look at it from his perspective.

A Man’s Need to Provide Means…

He Feels Proud

Kevin was the youngest of seven children, and his next-oldest sibling was a sister who was ill her entire life with Cystic Fibrosis and diabetes. His parents focused most of their attention on her care and his other siblings were much older.

Kevin is a real go-getter who had a paper route at age ten. He rode his bike around the neighborhood for years, delivering the paper and earning bonuses from the kinder neighbors. He used his money to develop a habit of creating and caring for aquariums.

When he was old enough, he got a job at McDonald’s, where he worked until college. It wasn’t until Kevin graduated from college with a BS in Engineering that he heard words he’d longed to hear from his father, “I’m proud of you, son!”

Men need to feel proud and while Kevin was proud of his accomplishments, knowing his father was proud of him was an even bigger deal.

A man’s need to provide is tied to his pride. When he can accomplish the goal of providing a lovely home and vehicle for his family, he feels great accomplishment.

man's need to provide

He Can Be Your Hero

A man’s need to provide isn’t just about providing the money to live a good life. Allow a man’s hero instinct to kick in sometimes. Most boys had heroes when they were growing up, and now, they want to be your hero.

Ask him for help from time to time. Let him fix your leaky sink, even if you can do it yourself. Let him build those office shelves for you or change the oil in your car.

He’s providing for you differently; this is also how he shows that he loves you, a signal many women miss.

A Man’s Need to Provide | He Has a Purpose

There’s nothing worse than feeling rudderless, especially for an otherwise confident man. While a man has high confidence, that doesn’t mean life doesn’t kick him in the butt from time to time. A man’s need to provide is threatened when the economy is terrible and job loss is a real threat or even a reality.

A man finds purpose in providing for his loved ones. He has a reason to seek a new job or a better job. Men with low confidence don’t share this need to provide. They’re more likely to give up sooner and plop themselves on the sofa, allowing you to carry the burden.

Strike a Balance

Regardless of who makes more money, strike a balance in your relationship between your independence and a man’s need to provide.

Shelve your pride now and then, and let him be your hero. Let him pay for dinner, hold the door for you and pull out your chair so you can sit. This is how he was raised. He will be more attracted to you if you allow him to shine.

Here are some other ways in which you can tweak a man’s need to provide:

  • Allow him to do the “manly chores” around the house
  • Compliment him when he does well – even if he screws up a little
  • Seek his advice for a problem you may have
  • Never compare salaries if you know he makes less than you
  • Tell him how much you enjoy his company
  • Text him and ask his opinion

While these things seem small to you, they’re huge to a great guy, and you’ve done your part to help him provide.

To date a man, you must understand a man. Men and women do almost everything differently, and sometimes for different motivations. To a man, his financial status indicates how well he can take care of you and your family. It's a source of pride for him to be able to do so, even if you make your own money and can support yourself.

It's how he was raised.

Men also love differently. Many relationships breakup for the simple reason that a man is showing a woman how much he loves her, but he isn't saying the words she longs to hear. He's taking her car to get the oil changed, building the shelves she desires in her office and helping with the outside chores. You're probably missing many of these signs that he loves you.

You gain so much insight into the male mind that you'll be amazed at what you suddenly see and understand in the behavior of all men around you. Not just the man you're in a relationship with, but the men you work with and those in your family.

Read more about the book here or click the buttons to buy it today!

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 10: Why Do Men Cheat and How to Stop This From Ever Happening!

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 10: Why Do Men Cheat and How to Stop This From Ever Happening!

Why Do Men Cheat?

The age-old question, why do men cheat, has some clear answers, and while answers might be what you think you’re looking for, it’s only part of what will help you heal.

While researching this article, I came upon a few other pieces that proved interesting, including this one, which takes an interesting spin on it.

I also conducted more scientific research and landed on the same things I think you’ll find enlightening.

Multiple studies I discovered said that while roughly eleven percent of women cheat, the number is closer to twenty-two percent for men. These studies also indicate that men are more likely to cheat from age forty on for men and between ages forty to fifty for women.

First, let’s look at the anatomy of an affair, then we’ll uncover the answer to the question of why do men cheat, and finally, we’ll look at some things you can do to avoid cheating or deal with its aftermath.

In This Article:

The Anatomy of an Affair

Why Do Men Cheat?

What’s the Aftermath of Cheating & How Can You Deal With It?

What Can You Do?

why do men cheat

The Anatomy of an Affair

Affairs last different lengths and have different depths of feeling, depending on the reason for the affair.

When an affair is due to anger, feeling unloved, or needing variety, the affair is more likely to last longer than an affair of opportunity.

When a man feels a lower connection to his partner, he often feels a deeper connection to the woman he’s having an affair with. Still, only around ten percent of affairs use the “L” word.

Interestingly, more affairs involve kissing and cuddling than intercourse, bolstering the argument that some people seek affairs due to feeling less of an emotional attachment to their partner.

While most cheaters don’t want to get caught, those cheating out of anger want to get caught to punish the partner they’re angry with. Additionally, cheaters who feel neglected or who lack self-esteem are less likely to care if they’re seen on a date with someone else because it boosts their self-esteem. The final group who may want to get caught are those who want out of their current entanglement.

I bet you’re wondering how often cheaters confess. When the cheating is due to neglect or anger, the cheater is more likely to confess. Those who confess are more likely to form a committed relationship with the affair partner.

Why Do Men Cheat?

They Don’t Believe It’s Wrong

If a man grew up in an environment where one or both of his parents cheated on the other, he might not see anything wrong with cheating. It was the normal state of things in his own family.

While research indicates that nearly 80% of men believe infidelity is always or almost always wrong, twenty percent still think otherwise. The percentages are the same for women, by the way.

Some are Emotionally Immature

Boys, and then men, are encouraged to be stoic and not to be afraid or vulnerable. Men should be autonomous, independent, in charge, successful, competitive, and strong.

As boys grow up, they identify more with being action-oriented problem solvers than individuals who understand their emotions.

To further the problem, since men aren’t allowed to be in touch with their emotions, there are very few emotions that are more difficult for them to process: anger, fear, sadness, and shame.

Rather than deal with these difficult emotions, they seek a distraction, sometimes in the form of an affair.

In the case of some men, emotional immaturity comes from a lack of experience in romantic relationships. His past experiences haven’t taught him that his actions have consequences, especially if he didn’t learn it as a child.

Monogamy might be something he puts on and takes off like a favorite sports jersey.

They’re Experiencing Other Issues

Suppose a man is struggling with his emotions or has an addictive personality. In that case, he may be battling a drug or alcohol addiction, which lowers inhibitions and distorts his decision-making ability.

Drug and alcohol addiction is a relationship deal-breaker. Someone battling addiction must first acknowledge the addiction and spend months, if not a year or more, overcoming that addiction. There’s no room for a relationship in recovery.

If his issue is sexual addiction, his desire for sex is a compulsion he uses to numb the pains of his life and avoid dealing with them.

Why Do Men Cheat? They Have Low Self-Esteem

Even if your guy was a confident man when you first met him, things come along to chip away at that confidence and self-esteem. A job loss or loss of income is one prime example of how this can happen.

He might feel he’s getting too old or losing his looks. If he’s lost income, he may fear he isn’t financially stable or smart enough anymore.

To pull himself out of his doldrums, he might seek affairs with women so he can begin to feel wanted or important again.

why do men cheat

They Want Out

Sometimes, a man wants out of a relationship but cheats rather than asking for a breakup, separation, or divorce.

Cheating accomplishes either getting the female to initiate the breakup or finding someone else to be in a relationship with before the old relationship ends so he isn’t alone.

Either way, it’s the cheap way out. Rather than owning that he’s done with the current relationship, he cheats and forces the issue.

Why Do Men Cheat? They Lack Male Companionship

It is healthy and arguably necessary to have friends of the same sex. Men should have male friends, and women should have female friends. These friendships form bonds you can’t have with a spouse or mate.

They also help you have an active social life outside your love relationships. For a man, having male friends helps him socially and sometimes with his emotional struggles. Another guy understands what he’s going through better than you. Sorry.

If he doesn’t have those male friendships, he relies on his female counterpart to meet the emotional needs she probably can’t because she isn’t a guy and doesn’t fully understand. Inevitably, she’ll let him down, and he’ll seek another woman, thinking she will understand.

They Don’t Understand the Difference Between Lust and Commitment

At the beginning of a relationship, there is a chemical heat that can also be called romantic intensity. That initial heat, or lust, can be confused with love. While there are certainly instances where that chemistry and heat lead to long-term commitment, that intensity transitions into a less intense but more meaningful connection.

If he’s always seeking the heat, not waiting for the next stage of a relationship, or not understanding that he’s transitioned to that next stage, he’ll continue seeking the heat.

They Have Attachment Issues

There are traumas in childhood that cause both men and women to have attachment and intimacy issues. If someone has suffered abuse, for example, he may be unwilling or unable to commit to just one person fully.

Additionally, rather than dealing with those wounds, sexual excitement might serve as a distraction from the emotional pain of his youth.

Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Change?

why do men cheat

They’re Selfish or Narcissistic

If your guy cheated, you might have snagged a guy who’s too selfish or narcissistic to be in a committed relationship.

In this case, a guy cheating has little to no regard for how his actions impact you. All he cares about is how his actions are affecting him. This type of guy sees monogamy as something he does not want.

His selfishness might also lead him to believe he deserves a life different from that of other men. The usual rules don’t apply to someone as special as him.

Why Do Men Cheat? Opportunity Knocked

In several studies I read, men were more likely to cheat on someone from work if the workplace had many women to create the possibility. If the workplace only had a few women, the odds of cheating were lower.

A man might never consider cheating until that opportunity arises, and then he finds it irresistible.

They Have Unrealistic Expectations

This might sound like the selfish or narcissistic guy above, but that doesn’t always fit. If a man grew up in a home where his mother took care of his or his father’s every need, twenty-four-seven, he might have unrealistic expectations of a real relationship.

Someone doting on him from day one of his life sets him up for the belief that that’s how his life should always be.

He doesn’t understand that you have a life of your own. Your life should only involve doting on him and meeting his every need.

They Weren’t Committed to The Relationship

A man may claim that he was never very committed to the relationship, thus justifying his infidelity. This occurs more often in a dating scenario than in a marriage. He may argue that while you thought you were a couple, he wasn’t there yet, and maybe he wasn’t.

How to Tell if a Guy Likes You

Why Do Men Cheat? They Feel Neglected

Women often think that men don’t have feelings because they don’t express them. Nothing could be further from the truth.

If a man feels neglected in his relationship, he’ll cheat. He will seek out the emotional attachment and sense of belonging he misses with his wife or partner.

While it’s essential to have a life outside your relationship, it’s also important to nurture your partner and your relationship.

The challenge is in finding the right balance. Encourage him to develop and maintain friendships with other men, and you establish and maintain female friendships. Spend time together, but don’t be disappointed when your partner wants to spend time with his friends.

The Sex Isn’t What It Once Was

There are stages in a relationship when sex becomes hotter or cooler. When couples are young, and there are young children, sleeplessness might diminish sexual desire. If you’re experiencing challenges at work or with your children, the stress might make sex less desirable.

Still, taking time for that special aspect of your relationship is essential. Sex isn’t just about having an orgasm; it’s about spending quality time with your partner and sharing a physical closeness. It’s the heat and the chemistry, but it’s also the time after when you’re snuggling or talking or even drifting off to sleep.

If a man feels your relationship is lacking sexually, he’ll look elsewhere. The best way to combat this is to keep things exciting between the sheets. Be sure to set aside time for one another. Find some sex games to play or read sexual fantasy books together. Don’t allow your sex life to become mundane, for your own sake, as much as his.

Why Do Men Cheat? They’re Angry

Yes. Cheating may be the result of your guy being angry with you. Whatever has occurred between you, he’s decided that cheating on you is his best way to seek revenge. In this case, he’s unlikely to hide his cheating. He wants you to know he’s cheating so you can hurt as much as he does.

why do men cheat

What’s the Aftermath of Cheating and How Can You Deal with It?

The Affair Partner

The affair’s impact on the partner who is part of the cheating relationship depends on the reason for the cheating. In cheating due to anger or neglect, there is a greater likelihood that the relationship will last longer.

However, if the affair is opportunity-based or due to a lack of sexual variety at home, the affair is less likely to continue.

In only one in ten affairs, the relationship transitioned into a long-term committed relationship. In nearly sixty percent of the affairs, there was either occasional contact or a residual friends-only relationship. Roughly one-fourth of affair partners are entirely shut out with no contact whatsoever.

The Primary Partner

I was surprised to learn that only twenty percent of all relationships that suffer through an affair end in divorce. Another twenty percent remained together despite knowing about the affair, and almost thirty percent of the relationships stayed together because the primary partner never discovered the affair.

Of course, as you’ve read, an affair based on anger or neglect will be more likely to continue than the other types. An affair out of opportunity lasted the least amount of time and was less often discovered.

The Conversation

After you discover that your guy has cheated, you can do a few things to determine your next steps.

Involve a Counselor or Unbiased Friend

The first thing to uncover is what caused the cheating to occur in the first place. Knowing why he cheated will help you understand what steps to take next. Involving a counselor is recommended if you both decide to repair the relationship.

A counselor can help you work through the issues that caused the cheating, rebuild trust and develop a deeper understanding of one another.

Do Either of You Want to Continue This Relationship?

Ask your partner what he wants to do. Is he committed to his new relationship, or does he regret his mistake and want to return?

At the same time, however, you must examine your feelings. Can you trust him again, with time? Rebuilding trust takes time, and if he’s genuinely remorseful, he understands he has a lot of work ahead of him. However, if you feel you can’t trust him, it’s time to end things.

Do You Still Want the Relationship?

Another difficult question is whether you still want a relationship with this man. Are there underlying issues that you’re willing to work on? Is he willing to work on them? Is this relationship worth fixing, or would you rather start with someone new?

why do men cheat

Why Do Men Cheat? What Can You Do?

While everyone automatically assumes that the answer to why do men cheat is that they do it for sex, the truth is in the numbers. In the anatomy of a cheater section above, you read that many affair relationships involve cuddling and kissing, but not necessarily sex.

When anger and neglect aren’t an issue, men cheat because they’re missing an emotional connection in the relationship.

While I’ll never go as far as to say an affair is your fault, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you can do to help prevent an affair in your relationship. Let’s look at a few.

Encourage Date Nights

One great way to avoid an affair is to set aside one evening a week for a date night. This gives you and your partner a chance to reconnect and discuss anything that might be going on.

Make your date nights technology-free times, except for needing your phone for a babysitter or in the event of one of you being on call for work.

While I don’t encourage you to discuss complex issues on date night, discussing them while you’re both in a good mood is always better than discussing something while you’re angry.

Why You Should Never Stop Dating Your Husband

Learn How He Loves

Men Love in Different Ways

I wish I could tell you how many women reach out to me because they think their guy doesn’t love them. There is a massive disconnect between how men express love and how women want it to be expressed.

There is every likelihood that your guy is showing you his love every day in the little things he does for you, yet because you’re waiting for three words, you miss the cues.

The next thing you know, you’re angry because you think he doesn’t love you, and he’s feeling neglected because you shut off the sex tap out of that anger.

Pay attention to those little things he does, like:

  • Fixing something for you
  • Doing chores to help you
  • Getting you your favorite cookie or cup of coffee
  • Sending you to the mall with his credit card to get that dress for your sister’s wedding

Those are just a few. Your guy may show it by appreciating that you cooked his favorite meal. He might give you a back rub or massage your feet after a long day. Men are action-oriented, and they show their love in actions.

Spice Things Up

Get a little risqué in the bedroom from time to time. Don’t always have sex in the same way. Try new positions or places. Read up on different ways to spice up your relationship. Find sex games to play if you feel stuck.

A man with sexual variety at home is much less likely to seek it outside the home, but this is as much for you as it is for him.

It isn’t just men who become bored with sex. Spice things up for your own sake too!

Twenty Turn-ons That Will Drive Him Crazy

Bring Back the Sexual Tension in Your Relationship

Five Ways to Spice Up Your Soon-to-Become-Boring Relationship

Let Him Chase You

Just because you’re in a committed relationship doesn’t mean he can’t chase you from time to time. Men love to chase after things – promotions, better cars, women. If he’s chasing you, he won’t try chasing another woman.

To get him to chase you, try some of these:

  • Maintain a healthy social life outside of your relationship
  • Be happy, playful, and receptive to his advances
  • Make him think about you when you aren’t together by giving him a good long kiss before you leave or sticking a note in his briefcase
  • Be mysterious; stop trying to prove to him that you’re the right one – let him figure it out on his own
  • Do activities together; develop a mutual hobby or combine a hobby you each have into a new hobby to share
  • Send him a flirty text
  • Let him be the one to reach out after a date
  • Be the first one to…; find out something he’s fantasized about or has always wanted to do and be the first one to do that with him
  • Don’t force the relationship; let it develop naturally
why do men cheat

Trigger His Hero Instinct

Four Ways to Trigger His Hero Instinct

All men want to be your hero. Even though you don’t need a hero, he still needs to be your hero.

Ask him for help sometimes, even if you don’t need it. Don’t just ask for the sake of asking, and don’t be fake because while he’s a male, he’s not stupid.

Give him the chance to help and then appreciate his effort.

Also, don’t always be available when he asks. If you have other plans, keep them and suggest a different time to spend together. This makes him work for the relationship, which makes it that much more precious to him.

And finally, challenge him. Superheroes don’t show up for every problem, just the major emergencies, so challenge him with a competition of some sort. Split the grocery list and see who can get their items the fastest. Challenge him to a game of tennis or see who can take the furthest run.

Why Do Men Cheat?

While most men will cite lame excuses for cheating, a few reasons resonate, as you’ve seen above. Answering the question why do men cheat provides insight and knowledge on how to avoid the problem.

Working to avoid cheating isn’t just something you do for him; it’s something you do for yourself and your relationship. While I would never blame you for having a man cheat on you, I can suggest ways in which you can hope to avoid cheating altogether.

Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you'll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They're added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 9: Men Need to Feel Appreciated!

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 9: Men Need to Feel Appreciated!

Excellent relationship communication is at the root of all great relationships and poor communication is the cause of many breakups. Today, I want to share some of the best keys to great relationship communication.

Relationship Communication and Appreciation

One of the most powerful tools you can use in your relationship shouldn’t even need a mention – appreciation.

It’s cliché to say that women want appreciation. Comedians have joked about it for years, but men want to be appreciated too and it’s often overlooked.

It’s crazy if you think about it. Why wouldn’t a man want to be appreciated for something he does? He’s human, just like you.

And I’m not talking about the fluffy meaningless appreciation that seems to be big in our culture today. I’m talking about genuine appreciation. Let’s look at a couple of examples.

Your families are coming over for a meet and greet. Now that you and your guy are serious about one another, you want your families to get to know one another. Without being asked, your guy brings home a beautiful bouquet for the table and offers to help get your home ready.

It’s easy to take these actions for granted, but instead, be sure to let him know how much you appreciate the flowers and his help. While a simple thank you might suffice, go a step further and spell it out, “Gregg I appreciate your help tonight, and the flowers are beautiful! Thank you.”

See? How hard was that? Here’s another quick one.

To avoid painting fees, you need to repaint your apartment before moving in with your boyfriend. While you thought you had a full day of painting alone ahead of you, your boyfriend surprises you by showing up with his paint supplies in hand, ready to help.

Be sure to tell him you appreciate his help! He could be off watching football with his friends, but he chose to help you instead.

relationship communication

Why is Appreciation Awkward?

“Surely he knows I appreciate what he does.” I bet you’ve said this to yourself a few times before, right? It’s an excuse for not showing your appreciation or gratitude for something your guy does for you.

In a 2018 University of Chicago study, researchers evaluated why we’re all so reluctant to show our appreciation.

The researchers cited what they called egocentric bias. The best way to describe it is with their examples:

  • You think you’re happier when you spend money on yourself, but you’re happier when you spend it on others
  • You think talking to a stranger will be unpleasant, but most people report those exchanges are positive
  • When introverts are instructed to pretend they’re extroverted in a social situation, they later report that they enjoyed the experience more than those who remained introverted during the same experience

What Does it Mean?

The egocentric bias means we underestimate the positive value of social interactions. When it comes to appreciation, the bias is two-fold.

First, since our gratitude is obvious to us, we assume everyone knows we’re grateful and therefore don’t need to express it. Psychologists call this the curse of knowledge. If we know something, we assume others know it as well.

Expressing gratitude is also challenging because it can be an uncomfortable emotion and one we might not be familiar with. You may struggle to find the right words to express exactly what you’re feeling. Because you’re uncomfortable, you assume the other person is as well.

What this really boils down to is that you’re afraid you’ll say the wrong thing or upset the other person, so you avoid saying anything.

The Experiment

In the University of Chicago experiment, participants were asked to write a letter of gratitude to someone who’d made an impact in their lives.

Immediately after they wrote the letters, they were asked questions about their mood, how they felt after writing the letter, and how they expected the person receiving the letter to feel when they got it.

Then, the researchers contacted the recipients of the letters.

The Results

After writing and sending the letter, the participants indicated that their mood was improved and that expressing gratitude had been a positive experience. However, they underestimated how surprised the recipients would be.

When asked, the recipients of the letters were pleasantly surprised and happy to have received the letters and by the content of the letters. They didn’t realize the impact of their actions on the person who wrote the letter and were pleasantly surprised to discover it.

While the letter writers felt uncomfortable writing the letters, the letter recipients were deeply touched by the expression of gratitude.

What’s in it For You?

The lesson you can draw from this study is not to assume that just because you might feel a little uncomfortable in expressing your gratitude doesn’t mean the person receiving it will feel the same way. What the recipient of your gratitude appreciates isn’t the words you use but the warmth and genuine appreciation you express.

Don’t get stuck in wanting to use the perfect words. Just go for it!

These same lessons apply to other uncomfortable areas of your life like asking a guy out on a date or expressing your condolences. People remember your emotions and warmth more than they remember whether you used exactly the right words.

relationship communication

Relationship Communication | Taking Things for Granted

It’s so easy to take things in your life for granted. You just expect your mother to call and check on you once a week or so, your sister to step in when you need help, and your boyfriend to pitch in with the chores.

We don’t often see the value of something until it’s taken away. We take great health for granted until we experience a serious illness, and we take mom calling once a week to check on us for granted until she passes and leaves a gaping hole in our lives. Doing the dishes by yourself after a breakup makes you not only miss your ex but appreciate the time you spent together.

If health improves or your ex decides to return, you temporarily experience a period of appreciation, but soon, it’s gone again.

While desensitization helps you overcome fears, it also makes you oblivious to things you take for granted. You become accustomed to having your ex around to help and it isn’t unique anymore. The newness of something becomes the ordinary.

If you make a conscious effort to appreciate those things you’ve taken for granted in the past, you’ll not only find your relationship communication is improved and you’re happier.

The Value of Appreciation

When you show appreciation, you’re telling someone they have value in your life. Whether you’re thanking your best friend for bringing you soup when you were ill or your boyfriend for mowing the lawn, you’re saying not only thank you but that you value their contribution to your life.

This is huge in relationship communication because it’s something so simple but meaningful. Nobody wants to be taken for granted and everyone wants to feel special.

A man often shows his love through the things he does for you, rather than with words. Therefore, when you take the time to acknowledge his effort, you’re receiving his gift of love.

Science tells us that when you express your appreciation to your partner, your relationship is stronger and more likely to last. It indicates a higher level of commitment to one another. It also makes you both more likely to share your vulnerabilities and concerns.

Relationship Communication | Making Appreciation Easier

Since we’ve previously established that showing appreciation can be difficult for some, there are some steps you can take to make it easier. There’s a formula of sorts you can try.

First, name the thing or strength you appreciate, “I love how creative you are in the kitchen.”

You’re identifying a strength this person has, something they’re good at.

Next, justify or clarify your statement. It helps give heft to your statement and goes something like this, “Your unique spin on Paella the other night and the way you add flavor to your meals helps me enjoy eating.”

Lastly, you can express your appreciation, like this, “I really value your cooking ability and your willingness to help with meals. It takes a huge load off and it’s fun to cook with you.”

Sometimes, you can express your appreciation in other ways, like baking his favorite cookies or preparing his favorite meal. You can bring home his favorite beer or get him tickets to a favorite sporting event.

Relationship communication doesn’t always need to be verbal. Sometimes non-verbal communication has just as much, if not more power, depending on what you do and how you deliver it.

But…Be Careful

Now you’ve read this whole article on relationship communication and appreciation and you’re gung-ho. You want to show your guy all kinds of appreciation.

Slow down.

Just like anything else, too much of a good thing can become a bad thing. There are two important things to remember.

The first is not to use appreciation too often. If it happens every day or multiple times a day, it loses its meaning.

The second is to be genuine. Don’t say you appreciate him for something if you don’t. When he does something that you truly appreciate, let him know. It’s fine to say thank you for the things he does when he does them, but it’s also a great step from time to time to go the extra mile and show true appreciation.

Take Control of Your Relationship by Understanding Men | The Entire Series

The remaining twelve articles in this series are linked below. Each covers a nuance of being male that many women don’t understand. They highlight the differences between men and women and hopefully help you enjoy a successful relationship.

Series Introduction

Winning

Competition

Rejection

Feelings

Money

Status

Challenge

Appreciation

Cheating

Providing

Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you'll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They're added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

These Things are Killing Your Chances of Meeting a Man!

These Things are Killing Your Chances of Meeting a Man!

The task of meeting a man can feel overwhelming if you feel like you’ve been there and done that time and time again. If that’s how you feel, I have some good news for you today! Chances are excellent that there’s a good man out there just waiting for you to come into his life, but there are a few things you might want to change first.

Understand That Meeting a Man Takes Time

This is where television, romance novels, and movies don’t do love a service. Your great guy isn’t just going to show up with a glass slipper that fits only you. He’s not going to bump into you at the airport and sweep you off your feet or swoop in to rescue you from your evil mother.

Meeting a man takes time and energy. Women write to me often telling me they can’t find a guy. When I ask them how much time they put into it during an average week, I often get an answer like “Ohh, I go out with my friends on Saturday nights.”

Two or three hours a week isn’t going to help you find a great guy, especially if you’re huddled around your friends the entire time you’re out.

There are opportunities to meet great men everywhere, you just aren’t looking. When you go to church, sit next to a single guy. Join Meetup groups of people with similar interests to yours. Volunteer for causes that are important to you.

If you’re comfortable with it, you can try online dating. I have two great resources to help you with that here and here.

Change Your False Beliefs about Dating

Whether you realize it or not, you have a dating attitude and there’s a chance that if you’re having trouble meeting a man, it might not be the right attitude.

There are No Good Men Left

Women say this all the time and while it might feel like this is the case, the truth is that there are great men everywhere. Sure, the older you get, the smaller the potential pool of great men, but there are great men available.

The problem with this attitude, other than preventing you from seriously looking, is that men can smell it a mile away. When you think this way, what you’re thinking is that all the available men are bad.

This type of belief allows you to limit your belief in the possibilities that exist around you. You have a jaded view of every man you see, suspect of his intentions.

There are other ways women express this attitude:

  • All men are jerks
  • Men cheat
  • All men are liars
  • Men act like babies
  • Even a good man will let you down eventually
  • All the good men are taken
  • The men available now are all losers

If you date a guy, you’ll automatically dismiss him as having one of those flaws without really giving yourself time to get to know him.

Often, what’s really at play is a fear of rejection or abandonment. Instead of giving another man time to reject you, you reject him.

meeting a man

He’s Not Perfect, I’ll Pass

When you see a guy you like, you suddenly find his flaws. He’s too tall, too short, his hair is too gray, he’s too fat, too thin, you suddenly don’t like men with mustaches and his choice of music is lacking.

The real problem with these reasons for rejection is that they aren’t fundamental to a great relationship. They’re superficial and you’re using them as excuses to protect your heart.

The next time you’re checking out a potential suitor, look for things that speak to his character and values. This means spending a little time getting to know him instead of immediately rejecting him.

Meeting a Man | Commitment = Abandonment

People control their heartbreak by ending relationships too early. For some, a belief that all relationships will ultimately end forces a decision to break things off, especially if you’re traveling down a road that leads to more commitment.

Most likely, you’ve experienced more than one relationship that ended with your heartbreak. What you want is for just one guy to break through the walls you’ve erected and claim you as his. Of course, he missed this cue and retreats, following your lead and creating the very thing you fear – abandonment and rejection.

Something is Wrong with Me

With this mindset, you believe you’ll never find love because you’re flawed. Your self-talk goes something like this:

  • I’m too fat
  • I’m unlovable
  • My instincts can’t be trusted
  • I’m too old
  • I’m too successful
  • Men don’t find me attractive
  • I have nothing to offer a man
  • I don’t know what’s wrong with me
  • My kids will get in the way

You may use self-deprecating statements to drive a guy away or hide part of your past to create a reason to later bold from the relationship.

Women who believe these types of thoughts often either can’t relax, be real or truthful with a man, or they over-give as a way of gaining his love.

In this case, improving your self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth will help you move past these negative beliefs. You can read more on that here.

You’re Going After the Wrong Type of Guy

You’ve dated the same guy over and over. All the men you date have similar looks, careers, or other traits. You might not even recognize it but it’s probably true.

The best way to determine what type of man is right for you is to tiptoe back through the men you’ve dated and look at their traits.

Get yourself a few sheets of paper, one for each guy, and make two columns, one for positive traits and one for negative traits. For each guy, write traits in each column. After you’ve gathered this first layer of data, go back through your sheets and make a list of all the positive traits, then all the negative traits.

Rank these traits by how important they are to you. They’re either important to have in a guy or things you want to avoid.

The guy who’s right for you has some positive traits and some negative traits. Be sure to choose men who have the important positive traits and lack the negative traits that you ranked as those to avoid.

If you choose online dating as an option for meeting a man, you can use this as a way to weed out the men who reach out.

True Love Doesn’t Really Exist

A great defense mechanism is to claim you believe true love doesn’t exist. By believing this, you’re creating a cynical and hopeless viewpoint about healthy relationships. It’s a great way to absolve yourself from taking the risk to find love.

This also sometimes comes across like this:

  • All men really just want to use women then spit them out and go after another
  • Needy people stay in relationships
  • Relationships are business deals where everyone gets what they want and then leaves
  • Lasting love only exists in the movies
  • People who claim they’re happy have really just settled
  • Those who claim to be in loving relationships have just compromised for the sake of the kids
  • The best I can hope for is a guy who…

Regardless of how much attention and caring a man shows you, you silently wonder what he really wants from you. It can’t be that he loves you for you because you aren’t good enough.

meeting a man

Meeting a Man | Love is Hard

The first thing I’ll say here is that yes, true love takes work, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

Your real fear is getting too close to someone, only to have them hurt you or you fear you’ll hurt them. You might have suffered physical or verbal abuse in your past and the result was the type of pain you’re trying to avoid now.

Other statements that fit the love is hard theme include:

  • Love is too painful
  • The price you pay to love someone is too high
  • I’ll never find or get what I really want
  • I’ve seen people who are supposedly happy end up miserable and alone
  • Love = suffering
  • Breakups cause too much damage and you can’t recover
  • People in a relationship bring out the worst in one another
  • Relationships can be angry and explosive

This isn’t the Relationship

When you think this way, you believe that the relationship you’re in isn’t the relationship for you. You have a fantasy of what the ideal relationship looks like and this relationship doesn’t fit that fantasy.

You say things like:

  • He’s not the perfect guy for me
  • This doesn’t match my fantasy
  • This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be
  • He’s not my soulmate
  • He’s not my type
  • This guy isn’t good enough
  • There isn’t enough chemistry
  • We aren’t a good match
  • We want different things
  • I won’t settle for anything less than perfect
  • This isn’t what I expected love to look like

Set aside your fantasy and look at this guy from a different lens. Do your values match? How great is your chemistry? Do you want the same things?

Somewhere deep inside, you know that perfect doesn’t exist, so looking for it is just a way to again protect your heart. We’ve already talked about how there’s no perfect guy, but they’re also no perfect relationship.

Every relationship requires you to compromise and make sacrifices. In a good relationship, you’re equally willing to make those compromises and sacrifices for the good of the relationship.

Someone Has to Give Up Who They Are in a Relationship

When you hold onto this line of belief, you’re really afraid of either being smothered or smothering someone else. You fear creating what is called a co-dependent relationship where one partner completely takes over the needs and wants of the other.

This type of relationship leads you to believe that you can’t express your true wants and needs. You spend less and less time with your friends and slowly become less independent instead of doting on your relationship and your boyfriend.

Codependent relationships never work in the long haul.

You may also say to yourself:

  • I can’t be the real me in a relationship
  • It’s up to me to do all the work to keep this relationship going
  • I’m losing my identity in this relationship
  • I’m powerless in the relationship
  • He needs to be the man I want him to be
  • I need to avoid conflict
  • I need to sacrifice my needs instead of his

Adjust Your Mindset Before Meeting a Man

Stop Hating Your Single Life

Being single carries an unfortunate stigma that many people try to avoid. Back before women worked and were able to financially support themselves, a single woman was seen as a burden to society and one who was unworthy of love.

That spinster mentality died with feminism, fortunately, but the stigma of being single still lingers. Your mother, your aunt, and even your friends ask why you can’t find a good man. You hate being single because all your friends are dating great guys and you have nobody to do stuff with.

The problem with this is that you date from a position of desperation. You’ll date any guy just to prove you’re worthy and to stop the comments from friends and family. This is a horrible way to approach meeting a man.

Additionally, you come across as needy and confident men will avoid women who put off this vibe.

In this situation, you go all in and don’t give your guy a chance to chase you or be your hero. This makes the relationship boring for him and you.

meeting a man

End the Belief that a Man Will Make You Happy

Happiness doesn’t come and go with the men in your life. Oh, I know you’re sad when a guy leaves and you feel a higher level of happiness when you’re in a relationship, but that’s a false correlation.

We often get this one backward. People believe that to be happy, they must be in a relationship when in reality, to be in a fulfilling relationship, you must be happy first with the life you already have.

Looking for happiness in a relationship as the only source will always disappoint you in the long run because a relationship isn’t the fix for unhappiness.

When you’re happy with your life as a single woman, men are drawn to you and want to be part of your world. It’s like a big magnet for men.

Your Biological Clock is Ticking or Wanting Parental Support

Okay, so on some level, this might be true, but using this as a reason to seek a man is going about it in the wrong way. While you may be getting older, using this mindset puts you back into the position of desperation.

Do you know who seeks out desperate women? Players and losers, that’s who. Great men steer clear of desperate women.

The other part of this equation is if you have kids and you think they need a father figure. Again, you’re coming at this from a position of desperation. You can argue otherwise, but wanting someone to co-parent with you is not a good reason to find a guy. Meeting a man should be about finding someone to build a mutually supportive relationship with.

No guy wants to be in a relationship with you strictly to parent your kids. Looking for men who will make good fathers might be one thing to consider, but it shouldn’t be the only thing you look at.

Instead of wanting to find a father for your current or future children, step back and look for a guy who’s right for you. The rest will come. Be patient. By forcing the biological clock thing, you’re delaying things, not speeding them up and if you do find a guy with this mindset, the odds of long-term success aren’t in your favor.

You speed up the process of getting to the discussion about kids.

The process of getting to know one another takes time. Forcing the timeline will scare many men off.

Meeting a Man When You’re Too Independent

There’s a difference between being independent and being bossy. Men are attracted to independent women, but not when they use that independence to ramrod your agenda down his throat.

An independent woman often falls into the alpha woman category and those dating challenges are somewhat different.

You can learn more about successful alpha woman relationships here.

You Make a Man Your Hobby

This is another common relationship mistake, and it causes the demise of many otherwise great relationships.

This happens when you give up your hobbies and friendships to spend more time with your guy. Suddenly, he’s your only priority.

The best thing you can do for your relationship is to maintain all your hobbies and friendships. Continue going to Yoga class. Don’t stop those art lessons. Keep going out on girls’ night with your friends.

You’ll still have plenty of time to spend with your guy, so don’t worry about that. Even in a marriage, you don’t need to be with one another one hundred percent of the time. It’s unhealthy and unrealistic.

Personal growth occurs when you pursue those activities you love so much and friendships help keep you grounded and connected.

You’re the One Who’s Chasing

For men, dating is fun. Men enjoy the chase and uncovering the mystery that is you. If you chase him, you take that away from him.

Allow a man to chase you by being patient. He’s not going to answer your texts immediately so chill and find that hobby to work on.

Let him plan some of your dates and don’t overshare when you’re together. Let him learn about you slowly but steadily. If you plan fun dates, you’ll get to know one another naturally, not by force.

Learn how to keep a man interested.

Meeting a Man | You Slept with Him Too Soon

This is a big problem in relationships because it’s a signal of low confidence and possibly a sign that you’ve found yourself a player.

When your confidence is high, you don’t feel the need to sleep with a guy to keep him around. You understand that you have value and worth that goes beyond any sexual relationship. You make him earn his way into your bed by proving that he is worthy of you.

I see this same woman every time I go out with my friends. Not the exact same woman, but the type of woman. She’s dressed in clothes that are too revealing and she works too hard at flirting to make it look natural.

When you dress in clothing that’s too revealing, you send the signal that you don’t believe you have anything to offer a man other than your body. Additionally, you leave a guy no mystery. Men like to wonder what’s beneath your blouse, and their imaginations do a good enough job until they get to know you.

What can you do if you sleep with a guy you like too soon?

meeting a man

The Secret to Meeting A Man | Date Like a Man

Okay so maybe it doesn’t make sense that the secret to meeting a man is to date like a man, but allow me to explain.

I just eluded to the fact that men date for fun. Men love mystery and challenge in their relationships, and not just early in the relationship but throughout, but that’s for another conversation.

Right now, I want to explain what it means to date like a man.

The standard first date is high pressure for a few reasons:

  • It’s usually a formal dinner date
  • Your expectations are too high
  • You’re hinging too much of yourself on the outcome

Let’s take them one at a time.

Plan Fun Dates

Dinner dates are fine for date nights with your partner after you’ve gotten to know one another, but they make for horrible first dates.

The pressure to hold a conversation together is too great and the environment is intimidating.

Instead of dinner, plan an adventure, or at least a date where you’re doing something other than staring at one another across water glasses.

  • Go hiking in a public place
  • Try a local rock-climbing wall
  • Go bowling or putt-putt golfing
  • Visit a zoo or other local venue
  • Take a cooking class together

These ideas are just starters or examples of the fun things you can do. On these dates, you get to see how you each react to different situations. The pressure to hold a conversation is lower because you’re too busy having fun.

The trick is not to be afraid of embarrassing yourself. So you throw a gutter ball or three. Who cares? He’ll be studying how you handle that, rather than judging you for it. Laugh it off and try again.

If you learn you share a common interest, go on a date where you can explore that commonality.

The point is not to put too much pressure on those first dates. You’re not exclusive and shouldn’t be until you know him better. You’re just trying each other on for size to see whether you want to keep dating.

If you don’t, no sweat! Move on and try again.

Try to Focus Less on the Result

When you go on a first date, you’re already sizing him up to see if you want to marry him. That’s way too much to put on a first, second, or even fifth date. You’re focusing on the result of the relationship, rather than focusing on building a lasting relationship.

It takes time to get to know someone and forcing that doesn’t do anyone any good. Additionally, you start taking note of all the things he does to validate your opinion that he’s just the guy for you.

I call these milestones:

  • He held my hand
  • He kissed me
  • We had sex
  • He invited me to meet his family
  • I got to meet his best friend
  • We took a trip together

For a guy, these are just ways to have fun with you. He’s not kissing you for the first time because he wants to marry you. He acted out of impulse because he felt attracted to you, but that doesn’t mean he wants to marry you.

Men are clueless about these milestones so you keeping track of them is fruitless. Instead, focus on getting to know him. Experience different things together and learn about him that way. Take the marriage pressure off and just enjoy dating.

Act Like a Guy

There’s this thing I like to call man mode. Man mode is your ultimate tool in finding and keeping a great guy. It goes something like this.

When you think a guy is about to do something, you do it first. For example, if your guy wants to go hang out with his friends…again, you go first, looking extra hot and making sure he sees you. You’re effectively diminishing his odds of having fun because he’ll be worried about what men you might see while you’re out and whether you’ll find them more interesting than him.

Another example is managing an argument. While your instinct is to stay and fight it out, a man would rather retreat and figure things out first, so that’s what you do…first. You say something like, “Ya’ know Gregg, I think I’m going to head to the gym for a while. I’ll be back later.” He was thinking the same thing, but he didn’t know how to approach it without making you angrier. You beat him to it and now, he’s scratching his head wondering what just happened.

In both those instances, you’ve turned the tables on your guy without playing games or tricks on him. He can respond to these actions because it’s how he and his guy friends interact.

Meeting a Man

Meeting a man is more than going out on a Saturday night with your friends. It’s about having fun, adopting the right mindset, and dispelling the many myths about finding great men.

But the best key to meeting a man is building your confidence. Great men are attracted to confident women. When you’re confident, you give yourself the best chance of meeting a confident man who will treat you well.

I encourage you to take what you’ve learned here and determine which of the roadblocks might be standing in your way. Then, kick that roadblock down, once and for all, and get out there. Have fun meeting a man who will treat you like a queen!

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 8: Men Love Challenge

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 8: Men Love Challenge

How to Challenge Your Man

How to keep a man chasing you involves understanding the male mind. I have been answering your emails, every day, and the subject of “understanding men” from a man’s perspective has become very popular.

Let’s get to it!

On February 24th I blogged about the 12 ingredients that go into men. Can you name all 12?

Today I want to talk about the 7th ingredient – How to Challenge Your Man and why it is so important to guys and why it’s important for you to execute.

I’m currently coaching an incredible girl, Hana. She is married but the sex has fallen off. Everything else is fine. Her guy, Jack, is a decent man but was spending more time with friends and less time with Hana.

She contacted me and asked what she can do to get Jack to want her more, both sexually, and in general.

Hana told me, “I miss him chasing me.”

The very first tool I pull out of my kit is challenge! Hana described their routine in my questionnaire. I knew exactly what was going on. They were home all the time, in fact, Hana worked from home.

I explained that Jack is bored, but we can fix it.

Then, I coached Hana to resurrect her social life. I had her sign up for two local networking/social events through Meetup.com. Now, she has a vibrant and expanding social life outside of Jack’s to run too…and she does!

How to Keep a Man Chasing You

Hana changed her look too. She cut her hair and went blonde from brunette. She even shocked me! This wasn’t necessary but she had always wanted to do it, so she went for it. This just added more shock value and doubled down on the whole strategy.

How to Keep a Man Chasing You

How to Keep a Man Chasing You

What happened? Jack’s interest was piqued. He began asking Hana why she was acting strange. She told him she was bored, and decided to take on some new hobbies – things she has always been interested in. She also told Jack she missed her friends. All these things got Jack to thinking that he might be losing her!

How to Make a Guy Chase You Using Male Psychology

Like a bear to honey, Jack took the bait because challenge is a strong pull for all men. Yep, we are using male psychology to lure him in.

Internally, Jack’s adrenaline started kicking in. His wife was acting odd and he believed that she was getting bored with him. He thought he might lose her.

He realized he had to do something about it (fix the problem, another DNA trait) so he stepped up his game and started chasing his wife all over again.

Hana and Jack started doing new things together and racking up more memories. The sex returned!

She kept her vibrant social life alive to keep Jack on his toes so he would not “fade on her” again. I taught her to gauge Jack’s responses going forward so she could implicate this powerful tool when necessary.

Jack got trained and he didn’t even know it…sit boy, sit!!

Do you see what happened?

Hana learned how to challenge her man.

She did not get upset and start bitching at Jack’s poor attitude like most women would do. Heck, she had every right to. Instead, she picked from the DNA tree, matched it up to her situation, realized what she had to do, and executed!!

Hana did to Jack exactly what he was doing to her (started caring less about him and more about her needs) and it worked. Man Mode strikes again! Jack accepted this challenge and started trying harder. Jack’s change of behavior was fixed in days – not weeks or months!

Remember the movie Fried Green Tomatoes? Evelyn Couch’s (Kathy Bates) husband barely acknowledges her when he gets home. Evelyn goes full on crazy on him when she gains inspiratiion from Ninny Threadgoode (Jessica Tandy), a colorful elderly woman in a nursing home who brightens Evelyn’s outlook by sharing tales from her past.

what do men want

Watch Kathy Bates fix her relationship!

Her husband witnessed the change (her increase in confidence) and suddenly becomes much more interested. This is the concept I am trying to convey!

Learning how to challenge a man is easy with the proper tools!

I can take ANY scenario, pick from the DNA tree (or the conveyor belt to manhood as I like to call it), and solve the problems you have with men, and now you can too!!

Next week, I will discuss DNA Imprint #8 – Men Need to Feel Appreciated!

 

To execute tactics like the ones above, you need confidence. One great place to get it is in my book, Live Like You’re Dying. To buy your copy, click the title text or the cover to the left.

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 7: The Importance of Status in Our Lives!

Take Control of Your Relationship By Understanding Men! Part 7: The Importance of Status in Our Lives!

Why is Social Status so Important to Men?

I have been answering your emails, every day, and the subject of “understanding men” from a man’s perspective has become a very popular subject, so let’s continue!

On February 24th I blogged about the 12 ingredients that go into men. Do you know them? You need to.

Today I want to talk about the 6th ingredient – Why is Social Status so Important to Men? And why it’s important for you to know.

We’ve covered winning and competition so status fits right in. Looking back as early as elementary school, I can remember battling for social status with my friends. I didn’t know, obviously, what was happening but I remember that school was a battle and I embraced it.

It was a fight to be liked. I needed to be appreciated and respected. It was a fight for the girls!

I wanted my voice to be heard and wanted to be seen and be the one setting the trends.

But I had Steven to contend with!

Steve was my arch rival. He was as good as or better than me in some areas and it pissed me off! Some days I would even punch things when I got home. Social status was that important to me.

There were followers too. Peter was a close friend of mine and he followed guys like me. He was a beta male. Peter, and many others, were submissive so we got along. We held different levels of status and they were constantly in flux.

Steven on the other hand ?

Looking back we were all fighting for social status. We wanted to be picked first on any team and we wanted the girls to only like us and no one else.

The Conveyor Belt to Manhood was being powered up and we were on it!

The boys who thrived had the upper hand in life. They had the confidence and the self-esteem to take on new challenges. Sure, some still failed later on in life but they had better odds because they carried status wherever they went thanks to their positive upbringing.

So where do you fit into this silly little boy social status stuff?

Women need to pick the guys that have status. If they don’t, they will be forever trying to fix a man and that never works.

4 Signs a Man has Social Status:

  • His friends respect him. They rarely break plans and they talk highly of him to others.
  • His family loves to talk about him. When Mom can’t stop telling stories of her son, then you know he carries status in the family too.
  • Strangers act quickly when he asks for things. Yes, even strangers can tell when a guy of status is around because of his voice and body language. Look back when you were on a date at a restaurant and the guy orders exactly what he wants and he requests the perfect accompanying wine for the two of you.
  • He has a good paying job and he makes enough money to provide, and then some.

Look for this in a man. If you do, you will be picking from the Lion Den and avoiding the wet kittens! This sounds simple enough but I can guarantee that many times you have ignored a man’s status and the role it plays in his (and your) life.

Why is Social Status so Important to Men? Summary

I can take ANY scenario, pick from the DNA tree (or the conveyor belt to manhood as I like to call it), and solve your problems that you have with men and now you can too!!

Next up, I will discuss DNA Imprint #7 – Men Love Challenge!

 

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