HOW TO GET HIM BACK FAST

Table of Contents

Read This First!

What is the No Contact Rule?

• No Contact Exception #1
• No Contact Exception #2

Understanding What You Can and Cannot Control

• What You Can Control
• What You Cannot Control

Assess the Relationship & Breakup

• Relationship Dealbreakers
• Failure to Communicate
• Books to Improve Communication
• Remove Him From His Pedestal
• What He's Thinking Right Now
• He Lied About the Reason for the Breakup
• More Ways to Assess the Relationship & Breakup

Rebuild Your Confidence

• What is Confidence & Why do You Need to Rebuild It?
• Without Change, Nothing Will Be Different

Books and Articles

If You Want to Know How to Get Him Back Fast, Read This First!

Before reading anything else on this page, read this story by Amanda. This is a powerful reason for you to follow the advice you find here!

Dear Gregg,

I understand where you are right now. You may be reading the words on this page with mascara-streaked tears streaming down your face. Or, maybe you're not crying, but you're enraged at what he's done to you. Regardless of what you're feeling, you just want to know how to get him back fast!

Are you to the point of asking yourself questions like Why Did He Leave or what did I do to deserve this? The bottom line is you want to know how to get him back fast.

You’re probably very emotional right now. Your emotions are on a rollercoaster ride you might not even understand. Everything you’re feeling, regardless of what it is, is normal.

Your job is to try to gain control over your emotions so you can clearly read and understand the pathway to success you're about to discover! Once you get him back, you'll be able to keep him for good!

I can almost guarantee you that at some point, he will come back to you. That is what this plan focuses on - getting him back and keeping him.

Learn About the No Contact Rule

Regardless of where your search for information on how to get him back fast began, you've seen countless references to the No Contact Rule. You've probably bypassed it because you don't want to stop contacting him. What if he just forgets about you? How does implementing the No Contact Rule help?

How to Get Him Back Fast | Allow Him to Overcome the Negativity

Your ex broke up with you, which means he has negative feelings about you and/or your relationship. If you keep contacting him with begging and pleading texts, miss you texts and so on, you're only compounding his negative feelings.

Instead, allow him time to process them. You broke up because something was broken. You both need time to step back and assess what that was. By implementing the No Contact Rule, you are allowing both of you time to overcome the highly emotional state you're in and begin to feel less negativity toward one another.

Men don't manage emotions as well as women do and he needs time alone to process his. This is why the No Contact Rule is so important, especially at first.

He Needs to Start Missing You Again

Using the No Contact Rule allows him to miss you. At first,  you're the last person he wants to see, hear or think about. He doesn't want to miss you, but after he's had time to process his negative emotions, he will be able to miss you again, especially if you send the letter, which you'll learn more about soon.

He is far from missing you right now. He's not in a place to recall happy times. He's still hurting or angry over whatever pushed him to the point of breaking up the relationship. This time apart from you allows him to get there sooner.

You Both Have Time to Heal

By maintaining contact with him, you aren't allowing yourself, or him, time to heal the wounds of the breakup. Regardless of whether you get back together or not, there is healing to be done over this breakup. Any reconciliation is a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one. Why would you want to continue a relationship that was broken?

You're Both Forced to Deal With Where You Are

Right now, you want to pretend nothing happened. This was all a misunderstanding and it didn't really happen. He, on the other hand, might want to keep you around as a "Plan B". If his singles life doesn't work out as he thinks it might, he can come back to you. If you break contact, he suddenly has less hope of using you as his option.

It's time for you to embrace being single. This is a powerful time for you to grow and rebuild your confidence, assess what happened and how you can move forward. You can't do that if you're spending all your time begging him back.

If you'd like to learn more about how the No Contact Rule helps get him back, shoot over to We Can Get Your Ex Back, a sister site to this one. There, you will learn how to implement the rule and what to do if he contacts you during no contact.

No Contact Rule Exception #1: The Letter

If you read Amanda's letter above, you read about the impact the letter had on her ex. But what is the letter? Why was it so impactful?

About a week after your breakup, no longer than two weeks preferably, it's time to write a letter to your ex. This letter is short and sweet and has a few very important criteria:

• It is SHORT - much shorter than you'll want it to be
• It is IMPACTFUL with one great memory the two of you shared, not two or three, ONE
• It is HANDWRITTEN in your script, not typed
• It is SENT THROUGH THE MAIL, not text or email, snail mail - you remember, with stamps and envelopes 🙂
• It is signed "GOODBYE, JOHN" {his name inserted of course}

The Letter goes something like this:

Dear Gregg,

I wanted to send a formal goodbye. I hate that we ended things on such a bad note and I need closure. I will miss going hiking with you on the local trails and will always smile when I pass our tree.

Goodbye Gregg,

Kate

I know you want to write more, but he won't read it if it's any longer. This one memory, which should be one he also carries with fondness, will deliver a punch to his gut, as will "Goodbye" with his name.

All of a sudden, you're dumping him! in three quick sentences, you turned the breakup on it's head. Job well done!

Do you want to get your ex back? 

Check out this proven Five Step Process to Get Him Back! Work your way through these five steps and:

• Feel less emotional
• Figure out what happened to end the relationship
• Rebuild your confidence
• Toy with his psyche
• Plan your meeting with him

As you're reading, many men come back months later. Taking these five steps helps guarantee that your new relationship will be a success!

The Slip In/Slip Out Method of Contact - No Contact Rule Exception #2

This method of breaking the No Contact Rule is fun, but is not for use now. This is for later, when your confidence has increased, but since we're talking about the No Contact Rule, it fits here.

When your confidence is higher, you can use what I like to call Slip In/Slip Out. The way it works is simple. You send your ex a text, something like one of these:

• Hey Gregg, I wanted to wear my red sweater this weekend. Can you box it up and set it on the porch? I'll swing by later to get it.
• Hey there! Do you remember the name of that cute little restaurant in Carmel? We're heading out there next weekend and I wanted to be sure to go there again
• What was the name of that ski instructor at River Valley? I'm going to try skiing again, since we're getting such good snow!

Each of these tells your ex that you're moving on in some way, indirectly. Meanwhile, he's wondering where you want to wear that red sweater, who you're going to Carmel with and why you've decided to take up skiing again. You're changing and moving forward, instead of wallowing in his absence, like he thought you were. This has the same effect as the letter. It turns the breakup on it's head.

The key to this method of contact is that once this short conversation is over, you let it drop. If he replies, fine, stay aloof and don't start talking about how much you miss him or how much you wish you were back together. If he continues, you can end the conversation by saying something like, "Well, I've gotta run. I have Yoga class in fifteen and I don't want to be late!"

How to Get Him Back Fast By Understanding What You Can and Cannot Control

You experience a lot of anxiety and frustration by trying to control things that aren't really in your control.

Anxiety comes when you play out a future conversation or scenario by imagining you can control the actions of someone else, for example.

Frustration shows up when you try to control someone or something that is really beyond your control.

Understanding what you can and cannot control will help you move forward in a healthier, less anxious and less frustrating manner.

What You Can Control

You Can Control You - and ONLY You

What you can control is very simple - you. The only person you can control is you.

In your quest to learn how to get him back fast, you must learn to control the one thing within your power. You. But how? What does this mean?

It means you learn to understand your emotions and how to take control of them.

You are and will continue to experience a myriad of emotions, all relating to the stage of grieving the loss of your relationship that you're currently in.

Regaining control of your emotions is crucial in moving forward. It's nearly impossible to think rationally when you're so emotional. In order to use the best of your mind, you need to have a balance between your emotional mind and your rational mind.

You Can Control Your Behavior

What does it mean to control your behavior? It means being less reactive and more proactive with your actions. Reactive people say things like this:

• I can't believe you made me so angry
• You made me do that
• I'm going to lose my mind if you [insert behavior of someone else]
• I swear if that jerk pulls out in front of me I'll lose my sh#t

You deflect the ownership of your reaction to someone or something else. You're reacting a specific way because someone else forced you to. Actually, you're making a choice, as evidenced by your words, to be honest. I'm going to lose my mind indicates your own ownership, yet you pass it off on someone else, as if it's their fault.

Every reaction you have to something is fully within your control. It isn't someone else's fault that what they said made you angry, it's your own. You chose that as your reaction, whether you realize it or not. It's just easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility.

When you're proactive with your emotions, or controlling them, you take a few seconds to choose the reaction you want. You might still decide to be angry, but own it, don't blame someone else for it.

I feel very angry over our discussion and I need a few moments to calm down before we continue. Now, you own the emotion. You choose it.

Gaining owership over your emotions and reactions is very powerful. It helps you act and feel less like a victim and more like a woman in charge! It also helps you rebuild your confidence.

How to Get Him Back Fast | These Actions are Ruining Your Chances

Now that you know you can control your behaviors and emotions, read through this list of behaviors that are ruining your chances of getting him back. To learm more about these behaviors and how to stop them, read this.

• Freaking out when you discover he's dating someone else
• Calling and texting him all the time
• Begging and using pity to try to get him back
• Showering him with love and affection
• Letting him walk all over you
• Using name-calling and anger
• Using obsessive behavior and misinterpreting his behavior

Control How Others Treat You | Setting Boundaries

What Are Boundaries?

How many times does someone do something that frustrates you, but you feel as if there's nothing you can do about it? If it's more than a couple times, you need boundaries. Boundaries form a line between what behavior you will and will not accept from other people. For example, if your guy is always late for your dates, do you say anything about it, or do you just hop in the car and go, pretending you aren't irritated?

As long as you continue to put up with someone else's bad behavior, they won't change. Now, I know this is a section on what you can control and I just spent a lot of words telling you that you can't control the actions of others, but you can control how they treat you by implementing boundaries. Let's use the late ex as an example.

You: Hey, Bob, what time are you picking me up tonight?
Bob: I'll be there around 7, maybe closer to 7:15 or 7:30. You know me.
You: Well, Bob, I'd like an exact time so I'm ready. Is it 7 or 7:30?
Bob: I will pick you up at 7.
You: Okay, I will be ready at 7.

Of course, we both know Bob isn't showing up at 7. He's showing up at 7:30 or later. So what can you do? There are two scenarios, both of which will establish your boundaries.

Scenario 1:

You: I'll tell you what, if I don't see you by 7, I'll meet you at the restaurant instead
Bob: Oh that's not necessary, just wait for me (i.e. he will be late)
You: No really. I'll leave here at 7 either way - your car or mine
Bob: Please just wait for me and we will go together
You: Really Bob, it's fine; if I don't see you here at 7, I'll see you at the restaurant a little after

At this point, you let the conversation go. A boundary crasher will want a reason and will continue to argue that he'll be there on time, but you have set the boundary and now your job is to uphold it. This example uses something called the rule of three. You restated your boundary three times in different ways, but clearly and consistently. He should have no doubt of what will happen if he's late.

Be prepared, though, that Bob might not show at all, sending a signal that he's acting like a child and probably needs to be let go from your life. He doesn't respect you enough to adhere to your boundary or show up when you bucked him a little bit.

Scenario 2:

When Bob arrives late, decline the date. Tell him you decided since he was so late and didn't have the consideration to call, you decided he wasn't coming and you've moved on with your evening. You could finish the initial conversation with a warning like this, "If you're not here at 7, we'll just cancel the evening." He will argue and want to know why, but you must establish boundaries and hold tight to them. Use the rule of three as described above.

If Bob dumps you because of your boundary, again, he doesn't respect you and he needs to go anyway. A guy who is interested in you will do his best to be on time. Should he call and tell you he's running a few moments late, you can cut him some slack, since he had the courtesy to call. Sometimes things do come up.

How to Set Boundaries

To set boundaries, look at places in your life where you feel used or frustrated with how other people act around you. What bothers you? Is it that everyone expects you to say Yes to everything? Is it how they don't show up on time? Those are where you should start placing boundaries. To learn more about setting boundaries, read this!

The Consequences of Crashing Boundaries

As described above, there are consequences for crashing boundaries and this can be the most difficult part of setting boundaries, especially if your confidence is low. As your confidence grows, you will be better able to manage the consequences.

There are two types of consequences, logical and natural. The example above is a logical consequence. You're setting the consequence, not allowing events to take a natural course.

A natural consequence may occur when your guy comes home, freakishly drunk and asks you, again, to call him off work in the morning so he can stay in bed. Before he left to go watch Monday Night Football, however, you established a boundary:

You: I am not going to call you off work any more because you're too drunk to go in. Either come home earlier or don't drink so much. If you get fired, so be it.
Him: Come on, baby, I just want to have a little fun with my friends
You: And yet they all manage to control themselves so they can go to work the next day. No, I'm not calling you off work any longer.
Him: Please sweetie?
You: Nope, if you want to go out and get hammered, call yourself off

Again, you see the rule of three. Three times, you stated you weren't calling him off if he repeats his bad behavior. Your job now is to allow the natural consequence to happen, as hard as it will be. If he gets fired or reprimanded, it is his choice and not your fault. HE knows the consequences of his actions. He's just been using you to deflect them.

Your Anxiety

One of the instances when you feel least in control is when you're experiencing anxiety, and yet, you can control this too! That's great news right? Of course, the challenge is to recognize that what you're experiencing is truly anxiety.

Anxiety is an intense feeling of worry over something that hasn't happened yet. Rumination occurs when you worry about something from your past. Neither are healthy, but your focus right now is on anxiety, which sometimes hops on a stress sidecar. Right now, you're probably feeling stressed, so anxiety is a normal feeling. You have no idea how your future with your ex will shape out and your mind plays out various scenarios, over and over, none of them good.

What can you do?

First, understand that the gloom and doom you're predicting is not certain. It's your mind playing tricks with you. Remember, you cannot control the behaviors of others, only yourself, and you cannot control how someone else will react to what you say or do, no matter how many times you replay it in your mind. You must stop replaying the scene, over and over.

Self-talk is the best way to start the process. Right now, your self-talk is all negative. "When I reach out to him, he's going to blow up and then I'll never get him back." Instead, focus your energy in a healthier manner. "I'm going to do my best to regain control over myself and my emotions, rebuild my confidence and move forward. If I take him back, he'll be one lucky guy!"

I know this doesn't sound anything like what you're thinking right now, but you do have control over your thoughts so you can tell yourself these positive things and then work toward making them real.

There is much more to understanding anxiety and how to control it here.

What You Cannot Control

He's Dating Someone Else

When you first learn your ex is dating someone else, don't freak out. There are reasons for what he's doing and they aren't what you think!

First, understand that he's probably dating someone else to deflect the emotions of losing you. He can't handle the pain of the breakup any better than you, so he chooses to date as a way to avoid his feelings.

When you freak out about it, you validate the negative feelings he has toward the relationship and you don't want to do that! Instead, consider this new woman a sister. She will likely get dumped, just like you did and she deserves your respect. She probably doesn't know he's fresh out of a breakup.

Even though he might look happy in his social media posts, he isn't. He's putting on a happy face because that's what society expects of a man. Men don't show when they're upset. It's not manly, or so many believe. 

His dating will bring up many questions for you like:

• Are his friends and family comparing me to her?
• Why do I love/hate her?
• How can I avoid getting angry all over again?

Find the answers to these questions here.

His Actions and Emotions

As much as you'd like to, you cannot control the actions and emotions of your ex. The things you're learning here are designed to get him back indirectly, which means by doing things that impact you and will intrigue and entice him. You aren't using trickery or games, just working on rebuilding your confidence and getting your emotions under control.

Setting boundaries is one way in which you may feel as if you're controlling him, or anyone else, but you aren't really. You're merely establishing guidelines for how you will accept the treatment of others. It's still within their control to either acknowledge and respect your boundaries or find themselves out of your life. Those who want to be with you will respect your boundaries and those who don't will not be welcome. Period. They're still in control of themselves.

His actions and emotions aren't what you think they are either. You see him dating and think he's moving on, but he isn't. He also isn't showing his true emotions, and trying to guess what they are is pointless.

Instead of focusing so much energy on him, focus that energy on yourself and moving forward.

How to Get Him Back Fast | Assess the Relationship & Breakup

Relationship Deal Breakers

There are many relationship dealbreakers, but here, you'll learn of the top three:

• He abused you
• One or both of you are abusing drugs and/or alcohol
• You don't have enough history together

He Abused You

Neither you nor anyone else deserves to be abused. Never. Whether you suffered from physical, sexual or emotional abuse, or God forbid, all three, you should not take him back under any circumstances at this time.

A person, man or woman, who feels it's okay to treat another human being in this way has serious emotional control issues and needs intensive psychotherapy before they can be in a relationship again. I don't care how much he claims to love you, he's lying. He doesn't love you, he likes having someone to take out his anger and frustration on. Period.

Any form of abuse is uancceptable and there is also no acceptable excuse for it. No, you didn't do anything to make him choose to hit or abuse you. No, you don't deserve it. No, there isn't one blessed thing you can do to make him stop except leave.

I cannot and will not ever condone returning to an abuser. Instead, seek your own therapy and learn how to love and respect yourself again. Allow a professional to teach you how to rebuild your confidence, self-esteem and self-worth again. Do what you must to protect yourself from an abuser. I know it's easy to say all this and much more difficult to really leave. He might be threatening to harm you or your children or even himself. He may stalk you and do everything he can to make you feel as if your only recourse is to return to him.

There are people who can help you. First, find a safe place to go, maybe in a new town. At the very least, find a shelter for abused women. They are equipped to help you. I know that if you're in this situation, you feel hopeless but please know that people want to help you. Once you're safe, seek that professional help. Learn how to defend yourself, see a therapist and begin to understand and build your self-worth. Go to law enforement and discuss him with them.

If, and only if he seeks his own therapy and can prove to you, over a very extended period of time, that he has infact regained control, you can think about a new relationship, but don't pin your hopes on this. It's a big IF and it would take quite a long time, perhaps a year or more.

One or Both of You are Abusing Drugs and/or Alcohol

When one or both of you are abusing drugs and/or alcohol, you're in a fully co-dependent relationship. One is using and one is enabling. Both need help dealing witht their end of the problem. Substance abuse, or any other addiction like food, sex, porn or gambling, requires intense therapy and reflection. It is a solo activity and must be dealt with through professional intervention.

I know a woman who is now forty years old. Eight to ten years ago, she had a successful career as a flight attendant and she loved it. Then, she slipped in the shower and broke her neck. She ended up on painkillers and became addicted. Since that time, she has entered and exited rehab multiple times, always relapsing. Most recently, however, she has been in rehab for almost six months with support of her father, who is supporting her efforts by providing her a home and a car to drive back and forth every day to her meetings and classes.

Despite wanting to rehabilitate the other times, something wasn't quite right yet, but this time, she seems to be on the road to recovery. Removing an addiction from your life is not a short-term endeavor. It takes strength and motivation every waking moment of every day. It also takes dealing with the issues that caused you to turn to substance abuse in the first place. Usually depression plays a role and the continued depression makes it harder to overcome the addiction unless you treat it as well.

Take time out and heal yourself, whether you're the addict or the enabler. Find meetings or a rehab facility and face the treatment with strength and resolve. Don't even think about getting into a relationship until you can take care of yourself again. If he's the addict, allow him months, if not a year or more, to recover and become whole again.

If, and only if, you both seek treatment, there is a chance for a new relationship between you, but know that it's months, if not a year or more away.

You Don't Have Enough Memories Together

As you learned above, one of the ways you can entice him back is by sending him the letter and using the slip in/slip out method of contact. However, if you haven't been together very long, you might not have enough memories or experiences between you to make this work. If you've only done one great thing together, it's not enough to give him that sucker punch to the gut. 

What the letter does is to stir his memories of your time together. Just because you only mention one doesn't mean his mind doesn't wander to the many other times you did things together and built intimacy.

A relationship that's weeks or even just a few months old might not be one you can resurrect. That's the timeframe under which you're still getting to know one another and chances are, he decided he wasn't that into you and got out before things got too deep.

If your relationship was young, look back on it for yourself. Did your gut say he was the one, really or did you still have doubts? Be honest with yourself and don't allow chemistry to alter your answer. It's possible to have great chemistry but still be incompatible. 

I know it's hard to hear that there's not a great chance of reconciliation, but wouldn't you rather know now than after you've spent weeks or months still hoping something can happen? A relationship this young came to its natural end and as much as that sucks, the best you can do is work on regaining control of your emotions, assessing what went wrong so you don't experience the same mistakes again, and rebuild your confidence so you can find a new great guy who's a better fit.

How to Get Him Back Fast - Improve Communication Skills

Perhaps the number one reason most relationships fail is due to communication issues. It's no surprise since men and women communicate very differently, something that probably frustrates you and was the cause of more than one disagreement between you.

How Men Say "I Love You"

You're waiting for the words, and perhaps he says them sometimes, but not first and not as often as you'd like to hear them. The thing you're missing is that he's showing you his love with his actions.

I coached a woman once who believed her man didn't love her and she was so frustrated. When she began sharing all the things he was doing for her, I could clearly see that he did love her and he was showing her all the time. She still didn't believe me though because it wasn't what she wanted to hear. She wanted me to tell her it was him, not her who was in the wrong. 

When he takes your car to get the oil changed, he's showing he loves you. When he mows the lawn, he's showing he loves you. When he fixes your leaky sink he's showing he loves you.

Tasha and Kenny recently moved into a new condo and got engaged. To help defray the costs of the wedding, Tasha started her own Etsy shop, initially creating digital products, then sliding into physical products. Her shop, now just three months old, has reached nearly 100 sales, mostly of her physical product. What was once their workout room has become her craft room as she fills order after order. Originally, Tasha set her sewing machine up on a dresser and stood to sew the garlands everyone was ordering from her but Ken saw a problem and set out to fix it.

Within three weeks of her shop taking off, Ken bought her a large craft table, moved their workout equipment to the edges of the room and tried to learn how to help her with her shop. Tasha's mother's heart warmed because she knew Ken was truly in love with her daughter, not that she needed proof. For her birthday, Ken realized Tasha wasn't happy with the photos she was taking with her phone and bought her a professional camera. He's always doing things to show her he lovesher and lucky for Ken, Tasha can read his love actions for what they are.

Women Use More Words Than Men

From the first words you utter until your dying days, you will use more words to express yourself than the majority of men out there. Most men just aren't conversational. This is why he'll show you love with actions, not words.

When you text him, how many lines of text do you use? If it's more than two, you're using way too many words and he won't read your text. If he does read it, he won't reply, at least right away.

After your ten lines of text, he'll finally reply with, "Okay" or something similar. You're now upset because you wanted ten lines back and you got one word.

This is how men communicate. Watch a group of men sometime. They spend more time grunting and slapping one another on the back than they do using long sentences to speak. "How about those Bengals?" or "That's cool, man". Meanwhile, you and your girlfriends are using dozens of words to say the same thing. "I can't believe the Bengals got into the Superbowl this year. They've sucked for so long and them bam!" or "Yes, I saw that sweater in the catalog and then, last week, I actually saw a woman at work wearing it. Well, of course I can't buy it now..."

If you'd like to learn more about men and communication, check out the books below.

Neither of You Knows How to Fight the Right Way

Of course, when one of you angers the other, a fight ensues, but this isn't the time to try and rationally solve anything. Remember,  you read previoiusly that you can't use your rational mind when you're in a highly emotional state. That goes for him too. Instead of duking it out right then, resolve to take some time apart so you can both calm down.

Then and only then can you begin to have a rational discussion about what is bothering you. Once you are able to discuss, here are a few rules to follow:

• Stick to the issue at hand, don't bring up ten old infractions you've already argued over a million times
• Inject humor to keep things from becoming too intense
• Don't sweep things under the rug - fact them, but with a cool head
• Learn how to forgive - forgiving is for you, not for the person being foriven; it allows youto move past the problem
• Recognize that small infractions aren't worth an argument; how many times have you stopped fighting, only to be unable to recall what started it to begin with?

You've heard the cliche, choose your battles, and it's true. Not everything he does to annoy you deserves a large argument. Choose a time when both of you are happy or when it's more opportune to bring up something that's bothering you. For example, imagine you and your guy are getting ready to go out for dinner. You're both in the bedroom getting ready and he tosses his clothes down, inches from the hamper. Instead of blowing up and ruining date night, you can calmly, and perhaps with a bit of humor, say something like, "You know, Joe, those clothes aren't just going to crawl into the hamper for themselves...and if they do, I'm surely not sleeping in here [insert laugh]"

This is your way of saying you're sick of picking up his clothing and inserting humor. Chances are, he'll try harder. There was no argument, no demeaning words, just a mention of something and a laugh.

How to Improve Communication

There are many ways in which you can improve your communication, but probably the best two, aside from what you've already read, are to learn how to listen and learn how to get someone to help you.

First, learning to listen. When someone is speaking to you, what are you doing? Are you formulating your reply, which, of course, you want to be better than whatever this person is saying? Or, are you listening without judgment or a desire to one-up the other person? Many times, we want to one-up the other person with our own story that shows us in at least as good, if not a better light.

Instead, clear your head quickly before starting a conversation, then resolve to just listen. Don't worry about formulating your reply until you've heard everything the other person has to say. Why? Because while your mind is busy creating a response, it's not hearing the other person. All of a sudden, they ask you a question and you have no clue as to how to respond. You weren't listening and it's sooooo embarrassing to be in that spot. It becomes obvious and is hurtful to the other person when this happens.

Once the other person has finished speaking, wait a few seconds to make sure they're done and then, and only then, do you reply. Don't worry, your mind is quick and you will find the right response, which should be appropriate to what the other person said and show the proper emotion over what is being discussed.

Second is knowing how to get someone to do what you want. This seems selfish, and sometimes it may be, but you're going to take an unselfish approach to it so that it isn't as selfish as it sounds.

Let's imagine you want your boyfriend to help you install a new shower head and fix your leaky faucet this weekend. You know he usually takes his car for maintenance or does other chores on the weekend. The best way to approach your request is by acknowledging his plans, asking how you can take something off his schedule for him, provide a compliment and maybe even offer to shop for supplies. It goes something like this:

Hey Ken, I know you were planning to take your car for an oil change this weekend, but I could really use your expertise! I bought a new shower head and my bathroom sink faucet is leaking. If you leave your car with me tomorrow, I'll get the oil changed on my lunch hour for you and I can stop on my way home from work to get whatever you tell me you need to fix the sink. Do you think you could work on it for me then? 

Do you see how this way is much better than something like this:

Ken! I really wish you'd get off your a$$ and fix that sink faucet. I've been asking you for weeks now and it still isn't done.

I surely wouldn't be fixing a sink any time soon, and I'd probably also be headed out the door to hang with my friends before I said something I would regret.

Books to Improve Your Communciation Skills

How to Get Him Back Fast | Remove Him From His Pedestal

Your guy can do no wrong, even now when he's broken up with you, you're choosing to remember him fondly and only recall his good traits.

That's all well and good, but it doesn't help you assess the relationship and breakup so you can figure out where things went wrong.

It's time to remove him from his pedestal. This is the moment where you stop accepting all resposibility for the breakup and look at what he may have done to contribute.

When you fail to see the flaws of someone close to you, it does more harm than good. Removing him from his pedestal enables you to see his true colors, for better or worse. Then you can see what roles you each played in the demise of your relationship.

This doesn't mean you must turn it into a man-bashing session. Just start to recognize that he isn't perfect, any more than you are. He has flaws and you are ready to open your eyes to them.

What He's Thinking Right Now

You've spent countless hours with anxiety-laced thoughts about what he's thinking but I bet you're wrong. Here are just a few of his possible thoughts:

• Why did I break up with her?
• Why did she do that to me?
• Why did I do that to her?
• Why can't I find someone to love?
• Why can't I love?
• Boy! It's great to be single again!
• Is she going to date that guy from the gym now that I'm out of the picture?
• What is she thinking/feeling right now?
• Should I get a dog?

He's as uncertain as you about what happened and what to do about it, right now. This is why you are implementing the no contact rule, so both of you can figure this stuff out.

He Lied About the Reason for the Breakup

I don't care what reason he gave you for the breakup, I can almost guarantee he lied.

Why did he lie? Probably to protect your feelings or because he honstly doesn't know the real reason.

Here are some of the lies he may have used:

• I just can't be in a relationship right now
• I need some time on my own
• We need a break
• Things have changed; you're not the same person
• I have stuff to work out; aka it's not you, it's me

These reasons confuse you and make you take on more of the blame than is yours to bear. If he told you one of these lies, there's something else going on in his mind and he might not yet know what it is either. For now, know he lied and don't take his words to heart.

More Ways to Assess

There are several other activities you should do to assess your realtionship and break up.  You can read more about them here.

How to Get Him Back Fast | Rebuild Your Confidence

What is Confidence and Why do You Need to Rebuild?

Confidence is your belief in your ability to do something, in its most basic definition. You believe you can walk, ski, ice skate or play a sport, or you don't believe you can do those things. You believe you can find a great guy or you don't, based on past dating experiences.

A breakup really hits your confidence hard. You take on more blame than is yours to bear. Your ex may also place blame on you, making you feel badly as well. You begin to doubt your own ability to form and enjoy a loving relationship.

This is the why. The how is actually better written here, so rather than repeat myself, I encourage you to visit I want to change my life and take the steps outlined there.

The steps, as well as the books, will all help you rebuild your confidence.

The Second Why

The second reason for rebuilding your confidence is because it will help you get him back indirectly.

Actually, everything you're learning here is helping you get him back indirectly. You're not approaching him, begging and pleading. That's direct.

You're working on yourself and toying with his psyche a little bit...sometimes a lot. The tools you're developing show him:

• You aren't sitting idly by, waiting for his return with tear-streaked cheeks
• Your letter indicates you might be moving on; whether you are or not doesn't matter
• Slip in/slip out also sends a signal that you're moving forward with your life
• You're slowly improving yourself in ways he likes and he knows, whether you're speaking to him or blocking him on social media
• You're not his Plan B

His thinking, when he decided to break up with you, was that he would test the waters and see what else he could find. Someone better perhaps, or maybe a few hookups. Once he had sewn his wild oats, he would have you to return to.

Well, you're showing him that his best laid plan isn't so well thought out after all. While he assumed you'd be ready, willing and able to come back to him, now he's wondering if you've started dating again. Why else would you be working out, wearing new clothes or changing your hairstyle?

These things work indirectly on him and they are much more powerful than any begging, crying or complaining you can do. 

Without Change, Nothing Will Be Different

This might not be the first time the two of you have broken up. Some couples do this every now and then, always running back to one another, but with no change on anyone's part. Both just get lonely and want to return to how things were, however bad that was.

Here's the question you must answer though, did it ever get better? You're broken up again so breaking up and making up isn't getting anything accomplished. As you learned previously, you can only control you. You can't force him to change, but you can make changes in your own life and that might be enough to make him want to change too.

You are at a crossroads and you're about to face a very important decision. You aren't ready to make that decision until you've rebuild your confidence though. The decision is do you want him back or have you decided he's not good enough for the new and improved you?

The decision seems unimaginable right now, but reread Amanda's letter. She reaches a point where she knows that even if she doesn't get him back, she'll be okay. You'll get there too!

But as you proceed through the Five Steps to Get Him Back, on the Who Holds the Cards Now sister site, We Can Get Your Ex Back, you'll come to discover that you might not want him back.

What you've read here is a synopsis of what is contained on that site. To get the best information, read here and click the links that lead you there too. It is in taking those first three steps that you will discover whether he's still worthy of you. You'd be surprised at how any women decide to move on instead of continuing to learn how to get him back fast.

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